10 important tips for teenage boys. Psychology of a teenage boy. Advice for parents of teenagers 9-15 years old

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A couple of years ago, your friends were jealous of your happiness - to have such a calm, smart, obedient child. But then I turned 12, 13 years old... and my son or daughter became unrecognizable. You don’t know how to communicate with a teenager - the child has been replaced and in front of you is a completely different person: cold, aggressive, and sometimes even cruel.

Psychologist Victoria Melikhova tells what is happening to the child and how to talk to him now.

But then I turned 12, 13 years old... and my son or daughter became unrecognizable.

“He became completely different. Previously, we could talk about anything, we went to the park and to the river together. I knew about all his friends and all the beautiful girls in his class. Now it’s as if he’s been replaced. If it were possible, I would put a lock on the room. He gets angry when I come in without knocking, he answers all questions with “none of your business,” he contacted some strange people. He comes home from school, immediately locks himself in his room and blasts his incomprehensible music at full blast.”

“I have grown up, but my mother still sees me as a little child. She demands that I report to her for every minute of my life. It's like she has nothing better to do! She always gets into my life, into my room, into my affairs. When she understands, I’m an adult, I can have my own friends, my own room, my own life. Only mine..."

This is how two close people see the same situation differently. Adults seemed to have forgotten that twenty, thirty years ago they themselves were teenagers, complained about their parents, sought freedom, defended their personal space and their interests. And hatred has nothing to do with it.

How to talk to teenagers so that they hear their parents? What should mom and dad pay attention to? First we need to talk about adolescence in general.

Raising a 9-year-old boy: advice from a psychologist

You need to try to sort out the problems. That is, do not shift responsibility onto your child’s shoulders, but also do not deprive him of choice. Give your child more independence than before. You cannot leave a child without control, because he can make a lot of mistakes, but try to make this control unnoticeable. Do not lie and tell your child the truth, even if it is quite harsh and unpleasant.

Raising a 9-year-old boy, advice from a psychologist:

Be sure to get advice about spending family money. Monitor your child’s health and, if necessary, consult a dermatologist to solve problems with oily skin, acne and pimples.
Be sure to praise your child, even if the achievements are minor.
Do not reprimand your child in front of peers, as this may undermine his or her authority. Listen to his opinion and express yours, but don’t force him to do it his way.
Be sure to be interested in successes and listen to what the child says. Trust him and be sure to love him.
Boys aged 9 years have not yet reached the culmination of adolescence, so there may be subtle changes in behavior. However, at this age there is a need for personal space and greater freedom.
Therefore, parents should be prepared that after the age of 9 the child will gradually become distant. Remember that at this age sons are very vulnerable, interests, some questions and doubts appear. Be sure to communicate with your child and try to support him. Very often, sweet children turn into unbearable ones and may behave badly.

Communication

Psychology of a 10-11 year old boy: advice

The transitional age can begin at 11 years old and last until 17. This is a fairly wide range, during which significant changes in appearance occur. The genital organs mature, hair growth increases, the voice changes, and significant changes occur in the boy’s height and weight. In general, from 14 to 16 years of age, there may be a peak in weight gain, as well as in height. It is during this period that a young man is able to grow by several tens of centimeters. Of course, such a significant jump in growth and changes in appearance is due to the high content of various hormones in the blood. They can affect the child’s mental state, causing anxiety, apathy, excessive emotionality, or, conversely, isolation. Therefore, parents should be prepared for this. It is best to prepare your child for such a period in advance by discussing important aspects.

Psychology of a 10-11 year old boy, tips:

First of all, it is necessary to talk about nocturnal emissions that occur in adolescents. Indeed, according to the opinion of a large number of experts, they are the ones who cause a lot of anxiety in children. If you are embarrassed to talk about such intimate topics, you can offer him a relevant book. In this case, the teenager will independently choose a convenient time to read useful information.
It is necessary for the child to understand that nothing bad is happening to his body. Be sure to pay attention to the teenager’s appearance. At the age of 10-16 years, boys and girls are characterized by youthful maximalism; they are very scrupulous about their appearance. It may not change for the better. Previously beautiful, smooth, thin skin becomes oily, covered with pimples and comedones.
Even if these problems are minor, you need to pay attention to them. Never yell at your child or ignore his problems, even if they seem insignificant to you. Help your child take care of his skin. Take him to an appointment with a dermatologist, talk and discuss all the intricacies of caring for oily teenage skin. Usually, dermatologists prescribe special products, talkers, and masks that help remove pimples and blackheads.

In company

Psychology of a 12 year old boy: advice

During this period, personal boundaries are built, so do not be upset if a teenager moves away from you. For the first time he begins to feel like a person, a person and an individual, as well as a member of society. He wants his opinion to be taken into account.

Psychology of a 12 year old boy, advice:

If there is misunderstanding on the part of adults, the child may withdraw into himself. Therefore, under no circumstances treat a teenager as a child. Try to communicate with him as an adult, but do not forget that he is not smart or experienced enough to make serious decisions. Please note that now very low self-esteem and complexes may form.
The child often becomes overly anxious during this period. There may be difficulties communicating with peers. Therefore, take a closer look at your friends and surroundings. Teenagers aged 11-12 years may act rashly. This is one of the most dangerous periods, when there is a surge of hormones, and boys want to be better than their peers, often getting into “weak” fights.
The main task is to assert yourself, prove to yourself that you are worth something, and also gain authority among your peers. It is necessary to tell the child that he is worthy, thereby increasing his self-esteem. It is necessary that the child learns to perceive his emotions and control them. In adolescence, this is quite difficult; the emotional component predominates rather than the rational one. Therefore, teach your child to control his emotions and manage aggression.

At this stage, boundaries are changed and new ones are created. An independent person with his own views and emotions is formed. Therefore, it is quite natural that the guy wants to separate from his parents. That is why at the moment there may be a denial of family values, authority and norms of behavior. The child may become too aggressive. Try to smooth out such conflicts gently. Very often, children want to do everything the other way around in order to annoy adults and contrast their values. Often a restructuring of emotions occurs, and feelings become more vivid.

Alone

Secrets of communicating with a teenager; article on psychology on the topic

Secrets of communicating with a teenager

(conversation with parents)

As our children grow, so do the problems associated with their upbringing. Until recently, the main problem was how and what to feed this eternal “unwanted” person. Just yesterday, the main thing was to clearly explain why you can’t take other people’s toys... But today the child himself teaches us, parents, how to live and often baffles others with his behavior.

Every age is good in its own way. Each age has its own characteristics, has its own difficulties...

Adolescence is no exception. Of course, there are no “easy” ages, but adolescence is perhaps the most acute and painful for both the child and the whole family. This is the longest crisis period, which is characterized not only by a number of physiological changes. At this time, intensive development of the child’s personality occurs, its rebirth.

The behavior of a teenager during this period is characterized by throwing from one extreme to another. Either he thinks and behaves like a completely mature, experienced person, then suddenly, for no apparent reason, he turns into an infantile, capricious child. Either he is ready to make decisions and responsibility on very serious issues (and demands that he be allowed to do this), then he turns out to be absolutely irresponsible in things that have long been discussed (washing his socks and taking out the trash). And at the same time, arrogance and categoricalness, sentimentality - and amazing callousness towards loved ones, shyness - and swagger (mostly ostentatious, “in public”), the appearance of idols - and the struggle with authorities, and the classic dilemma of “being like everyone else” - stand out from the crowd."

Adolescent difficulties include unexpected and sudden mood swings without sufficient reasons, increased attention to one’s appearance, and to other people’s assessment of one’s personality. Suddenly habits begin to change, behavior becomes completely different, the manner of speaking, facial expressions, gestures - everything changes. New interests appear, all at once and simultaneously. The social circle is changing, the company is becoming strictly selective.

The teenager’s state can be compared to the state of excited, full of energy racehorses, nervously tapping their hooves and impatiently waiting for the gates to finally open in front of them. They are full of inspiration and certainly want to achieve victory at the races.

Adolescence is one of the most difficult periods not only for a teenager, but also for his parents. Changes in the body, changes in the psyche are uneven and frightening for the child himself, requiring special attention from adults.

For almost all parents, the teenage world is a sealed secret. And although all adults have gone through this stage in their lives, it can be very difficult for them to understand their own children.

Parents, most often, turn out to be unprepared for the changes taking place in their children, not ready to take their growing child seriously as a person with his own views and opinions and, most importantly, not ready to change their behavior and attitude towards them. As a result, during this period there is a huge number of child-parent conflicts.

How to avoid this? How to improve relationships with your growing child? How can you understand whether the changes occurring in your child are within the normal range, or whether there is really something wrong with him? What behavior of teenagers is an inevitable attribute of normal growing up, and what should alert you and encourage you to take action to change the situation? And most importantly - how to do all this, how to cope with all this? Let's try to answer these questions.

Let's start with the fact that the most important thing that parents, and with them all adults, need to understand is that teenagers are not monsters or villains at all, they are ordinary people trying to learn to live in the world of adults and not entirely confident in their abilities.

The teenage developmental crisis forces a teenager to solve two contradictory tasks: to understand who he is, what he is like in general, on his own, separated from the environment, and, at the same time, to understand who he is and what he is like among people, definitely belonging to some group .

And a teenager cannot do without parental support when solving these problems. But at this time, a teenager does not need a parent-moralist, but a parent-friend, a parent-teacher, a person who can understand the experiences of a young soul and not judge, but help figure it out.

Adults need to create conditions for the development of adolescents and this must be done with the same care as in childhood, when sharp objects that posed a danger to him were removed from the baby’s path. Only unconditional love and acceptance of a teenager will help him and his parents get through this difficult period for both parties without much loss.

To understand how to act correctly, how to communicate correctly with growing children, let’s consider what teenagers need most during this crisis period.

Firstly, teenagers want to be able to decide for themselves what to wear and how to look, what and when to eat, how much and when to sleep, who to be friends with, what hobbies and what to do. At the same time, they do not have life experience in order to foresee the possible results of their decisions. And it would be nice to build relationships so that parents can help predict the consequences. But the choice and responsibility for the results of the choice still remain with the teenager himself. For example, a decision not to go to school on Saturday can lead to complications in a relationship with a physics teacher who cannot stand absences, and if a teenager decides not to go to school, then let him resolve the conflict with the teacher himself.

Secondly, a teenager needs to have a reliable back at home - that is, a place where you can relax and where you are accepted and loved with all your imperfections and mistakes. It can be difficult for parents to separate the feelings caused by the teenager’s wrong actions from the attitude towards him. Yes, our wonderful children sometimes do terrible things, but this does not make them terrible themselves. When a teenager understands that he has the right to make mistakes, he surprisingly makes fewer mistakes and draws conclusions from mistakes much more effectively.

Thirdly, and not surprisingly, it is important for a teenager that the requirements from the parents remain clear and definite - this, on the one hand, also increases the feeling of security, and on the other, allows the teenager to learn to build their own clear boundaries in relationships. An example would be this requirement, which is regularly observed: you can clean your room when you see fit, but we clean the common area together on Saturdays, and you vacuum and wash the floor.

Fourthly, it is vital for a teenager to be able to remain in undisturbed solitude. And here it can be difficult for parents to cope with their anxiety and not torment their teenager with questions: why are you sitting there alone all evening, why do you have such a strange face, and what kind of depressing music are you playing.

It can be very difficult for parents to understand and accept the needs of a child at this age: it is easier to follow the beaten path, to act according to the usual pattern “Who is older is right.” But by acting in this way, or more precisely, by inaction, misunderstandings and quarrels cannot be avoided.

On a social level, one of the basic needs of a teenager is a sense of adulthood. Therefore, the main responsibility of parents is to show the child that he is perceived as an adult and at the same time help him become an adult.

Conflicts are inevitable if adults do not change their attitude towards a teenager. Orders, reproaches, demands for obedience, threats - none of this will work. A teenager may comply due to threats, but will either withdraw into himself or go into open rebellion. And then trust and intimacy will be lost and it will be very difficult to restore them.

If parents sincerely want to help a teenager go through this difficult period without defeat, but with good results, then there is only one way out - to understand him and become his friend. And you need to treat your son or daughter the same way you treat your best friend. You wouldn’t shout to your friend who came to visit you: “Why did you throw your jacket on the chair, can’t you see the hanger?!” or “Eat what they give you, you won’t get anything else!”, or “I had a fight with Ninka again, stupid!”... You won’t say that to your friend. What about my son and daughter?

It is necessary to talk to a teenager CALMLY, EVENTLY and CONFIDENTLY. Do you like being shouted at or ordered around? Or do they command? Why should a teenager take this for granted?

If a teenager does not obey, your scream and your complaints are unlikely to help make him obedient. At this age you need to learn to negotiate. After you learn to calmly negotiate with your “difficult” teenager, you will become a truly talented diplomat who will be able to negotiate with anyone about anything.

Rules for “concluding” contracts with a teenager

1. You need to negotiate “on the shore” - before the child goes for a walk, to visit friends, etc. If you do not have time to agree on time, the train has left. It makes no sense to demand from a child something that was not agreed upon in advance.

2. Immediately determine what is the “fine” for non-compliance with the agreement. It is best to choose a fine to reduce the hours for meetings and walks with friends or spend time on the Internet, or a punishment in the form of non-attendance to your favorite club or sports section. Remember - by limiting a child, you increase the importance of what you are denying him.

3. In case of non-compliance with the agreement, you firmly (not cruelly, but firmly and confidently) remind the child of the terms of the agreement and again calmly speak out loud the terms of your agreement (“Calm, only calm,” as Carlson said). After this, you set a day on which the pre-agreed “fine” comes into effect: without emotions, without triumph, without regret, without vindictive notes in your voice (why emotions - you are an adult, experienced person who has already passed adolescence and knows how to behave hold back).

Response Rules

on teenager’s irritation and conflict

1. Let him express his objections before his grumbling and words turn into screaming, tears and hysterics. If it comes to hysteria, let him shout and throw out his emotions to the maximum. Leave your grievances - you are not a small child, but an adult, do not take to heart everything your child says - constantly remember the changes in his body, do not feel sorry for him, do not scold him, set an example of calm and prudence with all your appearance. Teach him to be an adult by your own example and then you will become an authority for him. So, now catch the moment when the child calms down and takes an expectant pause. At this moment you need to take the next step.

2. Calmly ask what exactly the child is dissatisfied with, why he does not agree and what solution he sees. Emphasize that the solution to the problem should be beneficial to both you and him - you are now adults and must take into account each other’s rights.

3. Listen to him without interrupting (this is very important!) and begin to explain your position with the words - “I understand you, but then what should I do....?” and explain the “disadvantage” of your position, but keep in mind that it must truly be disadvantageous to the position of your child.

4. Listen to your teenager CAREFULLY if he has something to say, if not, summarize: “I propose to do this and that”... and voice the position that is most beneficial for both of you. Repeat this technique until complete agreement is reached exactly according to the instructions, without breaking down, without pretending, but listening carefully, sincerely perceiving the teenager as equal to you in the rights of an adult.

When communicating with a teenager, building relationships with him, parents often, without noticing it, make mistakes, the consequences of which can harm not only the relationship, but also affect his entire future life.

First of all, these are phrases, certain clichés that all parents tend to use with varying degrees of frequency, and with which, without meaning to, we humiliate, reject, and push away our children, thereby thickening the wall of misunderstanding. Such statements influence the formation of the significance and importance of a teenager, his self-esteem and confidence in his abilities and achieving what he wants.

Here are some of these phrases:

“When I was your age...” By saying these words, the adult emphasizes his maturity and success already in those distant times, while underestimating the teenager’s abilities.
“You just don’t understand!” This emphasizes the immaturity of the teenager’s personality and the adult’s own “smartness”.
“You just think you have some problems. All this is nonsense! Minimizing a child’s problems, which seem insignificant to parents from the height of their years, can cause not only severe suffering, but also push them to suicide.
"I don't have time to listen to you now." Trying to show the importance of their affairs, parents leave the child alone with problems and push them to look for help elsewhere.
“Do as I say, not as I do” This means that the parent can break the rules, but the child cannot.
“Because I ordered you!” The parent emphasizes what is unacceptable for a half-teen: you are completely in my power, I control your life!
“Why can’t you be like...” This means that the teenager does not “reach” the ideal model, that he is worse than others.
“One day you will remember this day...” Sounds like a negative attitude: you will regret it. It is emphasized that the child is not yet mature enough to act at his own discretion, to have his own opinion, because the parents know better how to do it, the parents have more experience.

In addition to the previous “messages,” adults also have communication barriers in their educational arsenal that make a teenager less smart, less strong, less knowledgeable, and thereby slow down the process of the teenager growing up, infantilize him, and prevent him from gaining his own experience.

Such communication barriers include:

Commands, directiveness: “You must do...”, “Stop complaining...”. Parents are trying to control the situation and give their child quick solutions. The child perceives this as: “You do not have the right to choose the way of your actions and decisions.”

Advice: “Why don’t you...”, “I figured out how...”. Parents try to influence the child with arguments or thoughts. The child perceives this as: “You are not smart enough to find your own solution.”
Consolations: “It’s not that bad...”, “Everything will be fine.” Parents try to reduce the child's experiences so that he feels better. Child’s perception: “You have no right to your feelings, you cannot overcome discomfort.”
Interrogations: “What did you do to him?” The parents’ motives are very understandable; there is a desire to find the root of the problem, to find out what the child did wrong. He perceives it as: “You did something somewhere...”.
Psychological analysis: “Do you know why you said that?” The parents intend to prevent future problems by analyzing the problem, and the child perceives this as “I know more about you than you do, I already foresee the consequences.”
Sarcasm: “You should have thought of something like that...”, “You should have done it like that.” The child perceives this remark as “You are stupid,” and the parents just want to show him how wrong his behavior was.
Moralizing: “It should have been done this way...”. Parents want to show their child the “right” way to deal with a problem, but he perceives this as someone else’s decisions being imposed on him: “...And don’t try to choose your own values.”
Emphasizing the importance of parents: “I-know-everything.” When parents explain to a child that “the solution is actually very simple,” the child feels that he knows little or nothing, and the parents give the “hidden” message that he has his parents to overcome any problems.

Compliance with the following general rules can help build constructive communication between parents and teenagers:

always remember the child’s individuality;
keep in mind that each new situation requires a new solution;
try to understand the child’s requirements;
perceive contradictions as factors of normal development;
be consistent with your child;
remember that change takes time;
approve different options for constructive behavior;
jointly look for a way out by changing the situation;
offer a choice from several alternatives;
use punishments in a limited manner, while respecting their fairness and necessity;
explain the possibility of negative consequences;
expand the range of moral rather than material incentives;
use the positive example of others, but very carefully, without comparing or drawing parallels;
give the child the opportunity to feel the inevitability of the negative consequences of his misdeeds;
Give your child more independence, don’t suppress initiative.

As you know, adolescence is fraught with many dangers, because... This is the age of experimentation, the age of testing your capabilities. Risky behavior can sometimes lead to irreversible consequences. In order not to torment themselves and not to offend their teenager with unfounded suspicions, to eliminate surveillance and “interrogations,” parents need to know certain symptoms that indicate that not everything is in order in the child’s behavior.

1. If suddenly a child tells you an unpleasant story that happened to his friend, this is a sign that you need to pay attention to. Perhaps this is a hidden request for help.

2. If a child’s performance suddenly increases or, conversely, decreases, this is also an indirect symptom; it is worth urgently finding out the reason.

3. If a child suddenly loses his appetite or, conversely, constantly feels hungry, you need to pay attention to the child.

4. Sleep disturbance in a child: he cannot fall asleep, he has nightmares, or, on the contrary, he sleeps all the time.

5. The child suddenly becomes anxious, aggressive or withdrawn, and stops communicating with peers.

6. In a conversation, the child raises questions about the meaning of life, about death, and says that if it did not exist, it would be better.

7. If you suddenly notice drawings of genitals and human organs on your child. You need to find out: is this just an interest in this topic or an expression of your fears through a drawing.

8. If suddenly the child has a persistent desire to please the opposite sex.

9. The child began to have a disdainful, destructive attitude towards his life, he developed cuts at the site of veins, burns, puncture wounds, increased interest in extreme sports, and unjustified risks.

10. The child has developed obsessive states, movements or actions, for example, the frequency of showering has increased.

11. When touched, the child suddenly begins to shudder.

12. If a child, when dressing, tries to cover everything up, be unnoticed or, conversely, strive to look provocative.

If these symptoms are detected, it is necessary to immediately, but at the same time extremely carefully, find out the reason for this behavior yourself or seek help from a psychologist.

And in conclusion, we offer some practical tips and rules that will help solve the most common problems that arise when communicating with a teenager.

Problem 1.

"My child can't hear me"

Rule 1. When addressing a child, say less, not more. In this case, you increase the likelihood of being understood and heard. Why? But because children need more time to comprehend what they hear before answering something (they have a completely different speed of processing information than adults).

Thus, if you ask your child a question or ask for something, wait at least five seconds - the child will absorb more information and, quite possibly, give an adequate answer. Try to speak briefly and precisely, avoid lengthy monologues. At this age, the child becomes more receptive if he knows that he will not have to listen to a whole lecture. For example: “Please clean up the closet before you go for a walk”, “Now you need to learn physics”, etc. Sometimes one reminder word is enough: “Cleaning!”, “Literature!”

Rule 2. Speak kindly, politely - as you would like to be spoken to - and... quietly. A lowered, muffled voice usually takes a person by surprise, and the child will definitely stop to listen to you. It’s not for nothing that teachers use this technique so successfully to attract the attention of a raging class.

Rule 3. Be an attentive listener, do not be distracted by extraneous matters when your child is telling you something. Listen to him twice as much as you talk. Your growing child simply will not be able to become an attentive listener if he has no one to learn this from. Make sure that you yourself can serve as an example of what you require from your child (pay attention to how you listen to your husband, friends, family and, of course, the child himself).

Rule 4. If you are very irritated, you should not start a conversation. Your irritation and aggression will be instantly transmitted to your child, and he will no longer hear you. This is due to the fact that one of the psychological characteristics of this age is emotional instability, largely due to hormonal changes occurring in the child’s body.

Rule 5: Make eye contact with your child before you say anything. First, make sure he is looking at you and not away (if not, then ask him to look at you - this technique also works with adults, such as husbands). When you look into each other's eyes - the child is at your disposal, you can formulate your request or question. Doing this all the time when you need your child's attention will teach him to listen to you.

Rule 6. It is often difficult for teenagers to immediately switch their attention to your question, especially if they are busy doing something they really like. Moreover, the child may indeed not hear you (this is a feature of attention at this age). In this case, give warnings - set a time limit: “I want to talk to you in a minute, please take a break” or “I will need your help in two minutes.” In this case, the established time interval should not exceed five minutes, otherwise the teenager will simply forget.

Problem 2.

“My child is irritated all the time,

is rude and disrespectful to elders"

The psychological reason for this behavior: the need to feel like adults. There is a desire to feel like an adult, but there is no true adulthood yet. A teenage child cannot yet enjoy the privileges that the status of an adult gives a person, but has already lost the advantages that he had in childhood. So the teenager doesn’t know how to show his “maturity”, and finds the easiest way - rudeness, impudent phrases that he could not afford before. And here it is very important for parents to behave correctly, so as not to just yell and “crush” with authority, but to correct the situation.

Rule 1: If your child is rude, point it out to him right away so that he always knows that he has crossed the line. Direct your comments at the child's behavior, not at the child's personality. For example: “When I talk to you, you roll your eyes. This is a sign of disrespect. You don’t have to do that anymore,” “Telling me to “leave you alone” when I’m talking to you is unacceptable. Try to make sure I don’t repeat this again.”

Rule 2. Learn to speak with your child as an equal, do not coo and suppress - let him feel your importance so that he does not look for other ways to get this feeling. Consult with him more often on various family issues - it is possible that he will offer some fresh solution, and there is no need to be rude in such a situation, moreover, rudeness here will look childish.

Rule 3. Explain to your child what is right and what is wrong, what is possible and what is not. Do not think that the child himself knows how to behave correctly. He still really needs your authority. Just try to do this not in the form of a moral lesson, but during a friendly conversation, or even better, using the example of your own experience.

Rule 4. Try not to get into arguments. There is no need to sigh demonstratively, shrug your shoulders, show that you are angry, persuade, swear - such tactics only aggravate such behavior. Practice shows that teenage children stop being rude and insolent when they see that this is ineffective in attracting the attention of adults. So stay neutral and don't respond. For example, look at something distantly, and if that doesn’t help, lock yourself in another room. Just refuse to continue the conversation while the child is being rude, and do so always.

Rule 5. Even if a teenager behaves incorrectly and rudely, reprimand him only face to face, and not in the presence of other adults or teenagers. Teenagers are very sensitive to any criticism addressed to them, and this can lead to pronounced oppositional behavior and will only increase rudeness.

Problem 3.

“My child lies all the time”

Cause. Unfortunately, in adolescence, lying, especially if it happened before, becomes more habitual for the child, he lies more often. In communication with adults, this manifests itself because there are more and more secrets from parents, and, consequently, reasons to deceive.

In communication with peers - to embellish your qualities, capabilities and abilities. It’s very bad when this becomes a habit, and the statement “It will go away on its own” is clearly inappropriate here. You need to try to gently, delicately, but decisively wean your child from lying.

Rule 1: Assume honesty and demand truthfulness. Constantly explain your attitude towards honesty: “Everyone in our family should be honest with each other.” But before that, analyze what example of honesty you yourself set. Do you use “white” lies yourself? Have you asked your child to answer the phone that you are not at home when you are, etc.

Rule 2. Try to identify possible reasons for deception. As a rule, a teenager begins to lie primarily in order to attract the attention of parents, adults, and friends. In second place is envy, despair, resentment or anger. And on the third – fear of punishment or fear of letting parents down. Moreover, a direct question on this topic does not work: he, as a rule, himself does not know exactly the real reasons. Analyze for yourself: when did the lying begin, to whom is he lying - to everyone or only to some?

Rule 3. Even though your child is no longer a toddler, continue to explain to him why lying is bad. Give compelling arguments, accompanying them with clear examples close to the child’s age: lying can lead to trouble, often very big; your reputation also suffers, your peer group stops trusting you (in adolescence this has a very big impact); deception offends, especially those closest to you, etc. Ask questions that will help the child understand for himself what such behavior can lead to, and wait for an answer. For example: “If you don’t keep your word, how can I trust you?” etc.

Rule 4. Remember that teenagers most often lie to get attention. Based on this, try not to react too harshly to exaggeration or distortion of the truth. If your child did exactly this, try to remain calm - your screaming and lamentation will only make him want to run away, but not become honest.

Rule 5. Enter a “penalty” for lying. Moreover, choose a method so that your child, as a result of using it, will no longer want to cheat. For example, let him, every time he cheated, write an apology to the “victim” - mother, father, etc. (It will be useful for you to read what is written in order to understand your child).

Problem 4.

"The constant desire for power"

Psychological reason. The desire to dominate in adolescence is most often caused by an increased need for approval, low self-esteem (a very common companion of puberty) and simply a lack of communication skills. “If I manage to achieve my goal, it means it’s good, it means my friends respect me,” the teenager reasons. Of course, you are not able to radically change the child’s domineering spirit, but you can teach him to take into account the opinions of others.

Rule 1. Carefully understand the teenager's behavior. Whatever the reason for his domineering behavior, the main thing is that he is aware of it.

Rule 2. Seize the moment when a child behaves correctly and praise him (don’t be surprised, this method is equally effective for primary schoolchildren and teenagers) - encouragement always encourages them to behave this way more often.

Rule 3: Commanders must be made to understand that their behavior is disrespectful and often hurtful. Therefore, invite your child to “change the role”: “Imagine that you are..., to whom a friend constantly dictates what to do, what not to do, what is possible and what is not. What do you think she's thinking about right now? what does he feel?

Rule 4. Explain that you need to take turns. It’s good to always be first, but you shouldn’t harshly suppress and infringe on those around you. After all, although in his small circle he is a commander, it is possible that in the new one he will be considered an upstart. Explain to him that in many cases, in order to be recognized first, you must first be able to “get in line”; it is much more important to be able to control mood swings, be able to wait and respect the queue.

Rule 5: Explain to your child that “commanding” also means taking responsibility for your commands. The “leader” must understand and even feel what actions of the group are best suited for its members. He must care about the group as a whole and about each person in particular. Even if this sometimes in a particular case goes against the personal desires of the leader. Only then can the “commander” become a real Leader, the Leader of a successful group that respects its leader.

Problem 5.

“He has completely stopped studying, he doesn’t need anything, nothing is interesting!”

Adolescence often brings surprises such as loss of interest in studies, sports and hobbies that were previously enjoyable and a significant part of a teenager’s life. How to react to this?

Rule 1. Take it for granted that a teenager is reassessing his values. In elementary school, the boy liked music, and in the sixth grade he realized that there was still a lot of interesting things in the world: history, geography, physics and chemistry... And the career of a pianist no longer attracted him - to the horror of his mother. At the age of 10, the girl liked to go to art school, and at 13-14 she understands that in the “big” life she will not be an artist, and drawing will remain only as a hobby - hence the desire to “quit and not do useless things.”

Rule 2. Discuss with the teenager how he sees his future, who he would like to become and why, what exactly he needs to achieve his goal (what objects, what efforts) - both you and him will understand more clearly what is worth spending energy on and time.

Rule 3. Be understanding of the fact that a teenager needs some time to be “lazy.” Let's not forget that growing up is an energy-intensive process. Just yesterday, a child’s body, a teenager’s, undergoes colossal changes at the physiological level in a short period (a couple of years), so it is not surprising that he gets tired – both physically and mentally. He needs time to “master”, “digest” the entire amount of information that has fallen on him - so he dreams, fantasizes, makes plans, develops his own philosophical concepts - that is, he does everything that we, parents, succinctly fit into the phrase: “ He’s lying on the sofa and spitting at the ceiling.”

When raising a child, we need to remember that not only do we react to the actions of our children, but our children also react sensitively to the actions of their parents. Therefore, it is necessary to say about the following “If...”.

If a child is constantly criticized, he learns to hate.
If a child lives in hostility, he learns aggressiveness.
If a child is ridiculed, he becomes withdrawn.
If a child grows up reproached, he learns to live with guilt.
If a child grows up in tolerance, he learns to accept others.
If a child is encouraged, he learns to believe in himself.
If a child is praised, he learns to be grateful.
If a child grows up in honesty, he learns to be fair.
If a child lives in safety, he learns to trust in people.
If a child is supported, he learns to value himself.
If a child lives in understanding and friendliness, he learns to find love in this world.

The teenage period can be considered successfully completed only if the teenager can, when necessary, show independence, feel a sense of community with other people, have a developed sense of self-esteem and have a good idea of what the right thing to do in a given case.

Adolescence has been successful if a person enters the world of adults with a sense of self-worth, having the ability to establish close relationships with people, and the ability to be responsible for their actions. After all, the end of adolescence is the beginning of adulthood!

I would like every parent raising a teenage child to understand that being a teenager is very difficult. A teenager goes through the most difficult trials in search of his own path in a new world for him. No matter how hard it is for you, do not leave him alone on this part of his life’s path, become his “guide.” The difficult life period will pass, and the child will never forget your help.

I would like parents to be able to sensitively and wisely guide their teenage children and help them become full-fledged people capable of creating a world in which a person’s life will be joyful, rich and happy.

“Do not patronize me, do not follow me, do not bind my every step, do not wrap me in swaddling clothes of supervision and mistrust, do not remind me with a word about my cradle. I am an independent person. I don't want to be led by the hand. There is a high mountain in front of me. This is the purpose of my life. I see it, I think about it, I want to achieve it, but I want to climb this peak on my own. I'm already getting up, taking my first steps. And the higher my foot steps, the wider the horizon opens up to me, the more people I see, the more I get to know them, the more people see me. The magnitude and limitlessness of what is revealed to me makes me scared. I need the support of an older friend. I will reach my peak if I lean on the shoulder of a strong and wise person. But I am ashamed and afraid to say about it. I want everyone to believe that I will get to the top on my own, on my own.”

(V. A. Sukhomlinsky)

Psychology of a 13 year old boy

Parents should gently encourage them to make the right choice. You must try to make sure that he does not understand that you are the initiator of a useful acquaintance. A child at this age may ignore those he does not like and does not feel trust.

Psychology of a 13 year old boy:

Male education is very important during this period. That is why it is necessary for his father to communicate with him. Not only the mother is able to discuss sensitive issues, but also the father. It is necessary that trust arises from early childhood.
Only in such conditions will the child discuss masculine topics with his father. If in childhood and adolescence there is no trust between parents and child, then in adulthood such an individual will constantly shift responsibility to someone else. Often such guys become childish and not independent. The father and mother must allow the child to make his own decisions, even if he makes mistakes.
First of all, in adolescence, the father should communicate with the child not as with his son, keeping him under constant control, pointing out mistakes, but forming friendly relations. It is worth noting that at the age of 14, children in a military family are more disciplined and resilient than their peers. However, in such families a huge problem arises. This is due to the rather strict treatment of children, which often provokes a breakdown.

Restrictions

Advice for parents of a 13 year old teenager

Starting from the age of 13, teenage boys can actively engage in various sports. Accordingly, they want to be better, shape their figure, so it is necessary to adjust the amount of load.

Advice for parents of a 13-year-old teenager:

Anabolic steroids and steroids are often taken. This negatively affects the child’s health, muscle formation, and physique. During this period, active growth of muscles and bones occurs, while internal organs do not have time to grow so quickly.
Therefore, if you exercise too much, you may experience health problems. Therefore, under no circumstances should a child be dissuaded from playing sports, but it is necessary to encourage them to adjust physical activity and not take dangerous medications.
An example of parental misbehavior is punishing a child. Try to talk to him more and understand. After all, the child behaves badly for a reason; perhaps he is worried about something, he does not know how to behave.

In adolescence, a boy may be completely confused, not understanding what awaits next. Remember that punishment can make the situation worse. It is necessary to form trusting relationships and comfortable living conditions so that the child goes home, not like to hard labor, but to a place where you can share your problems. Try to be an example for your son.

Communication

Consequences

If a teenager who is deeply experiencing the vivid manifestations of the crisis at the age of 13 is not helped, this can negatively affect his health and personal development. The most common complications:

emotional and behavioral disorders;
neuroses (diagnosed most often in girls);
the formation of accentuations, psychopathy and pathological desires (usually observed in boys);
depression;
isolation to the point of autism;
obsessive-compulsive disorder;
development of stable suspicious, hysterical character traits;
participation in informal groups, which leads to teenage crime and vagrancy;
suicide.

So, serious dangers to health and personal development still exist, and the task of parents is to avoid them by all means. Those for whom overcoming the crisis of 13 years is not easy should often remember the words of the American writer Mignon McLaughlin: “The child who is most difficult to cope with is the one of whom we are later most proud.”

Psychology of a 14 year old boy

The most difficult relationships with a teenager are observed at the age of 13-14 years. It must be remembered that a child is a separate person, so there is no need to invest your values in him.

Psychology of a 14 year old boy:

There is also no need to force someone to do something or follow in your footsteps. The main task of an adult is to provide freedom so that the child can choose for himself what he wants to do, who he wants to become in the future.
The task of adults is to observe, guide, but at the same time smooth out rough edges, and also minimize the risk of dangerous situations. Pay attention to how a teenager behaves in company.
Is he a victim of bullying or an outcast? The main difficulty is getting the boy to talk. Often at this age, guys are very secretive and are in no hurry to share their emotions.

Communication

Teenage boy 14 years old: advice from a psychologist

The main difficulty is that now the main authority for the child is not the parents, but classmates, grown-up guys. A teenager may feel disappointed in life and not see future prospects while watching his parents.

Teenage boy 14 years old, advice from a psychologist:

Very often guys at this age lose their incentive. They feel frustrated and threatened. Only in the company of your friends and peers can you show what you are capable of, throw out heroism, as well as aggression.
Teenagers' problems arise due to misunderstandings in family and school. If earlier he listened to the opinions of teachers and parents, now he questions absolutely everything they tell him. The main task is to convey to the teenager that he is the culprit of the incidents and is responsible for them.
Therefore, the choice lies solely with him. At the age of 14, a search for authority usually occurs. The boy finds himself a certain role model. Usually boys want to be like their idol, so their appearance, clothing style, and behavior change.

Alcohol

Psychology of a teenager 15 years old boy: advice to parents

If the boy is embarrassed by the appearance of dark hair above the lip, suggest removal. If the guy is not yet ready to use a razor, you can recommend waxing or sugaring.

Psychology of a teenager 15 years old boy, advice to parents:

As a result of such manipulations, hair will grow much slower, and coarse stubble will not appear, which will force you to shave constantly. Also listen to the teenager’s opinion, and be sure to make an appointment with the hairdresser. At this age, all guys want to stand out from the crowd and seem cooler than their peers. Recommend a good hairdresser and offer to show the guy the haircut he wants.
A stylish appearance significantly increases self-confidence and improves the relationship between parents and child. It is because of appearance that a large number of complexes arise. Guys often suffer from excessive hair growth.
It is worth understanding that not everyone develops in the same way, so some of their peers will experience noticeable changes; for some, maturation occurs much later. A teenager should not feel like everyone else, special, or be criticized by their peers.
During this period, there is a significant change in the child's behavior. This is due to a change in psychology due to a surge in hormones. The boy begins to feel like a separate person who needs to be listened to. Your main task is to establish a trusting relationship with him and listen to his opinion. You cannot talk about the fact that you are currently the breadwinner in the family, so the teenager must do what you say. This does not work and can cause aggression and separation of the child from adults.
During this period, the boy chooses a leader for himself, as well as people whom he imitates. Most often these are not parents. He often compares himself with his peers, trying on different roles. Don’t be opposed if your child starts to dress creatively or gets piercings or strange hairstyles. This is just a search for yourself, and a way to understand your position in society. Allow the child to do what he wants, as long as it does not harm his health or life.

Communication

Main signs of growing up

Significant changes occurring in the boy’s body are reflected in his appearance and behavior. Active production of hormones affects frequent irritability, rapid growth, sudden mood swings and other behavioral characteristics characteristic of this age.

Signs of physiological changes are increased hair growth, including fuzz above the upper lip, a roughened voice, pigmentation of the scrotum and a change in the size of the penis, as well as the appearance of acne (on the face, shoulders, back), emissions (nighttime spontaneous ejaculations). All changes normally occur sequentially, and the transformation of a boy first into a young man and then into a man is inevitable.

The temperament of a teenager also undergoes significant transformations, so excessive aggressiveness and nervousness should be under the control of parents and specialists. The vulnerability of teenagers is extremely high; any criticism addressed to them can cause a storm of negative emotions and reckless actions.

Boys, having realized the changes taking place in them, strive to become independent, assert themselves and prove to the whole world their courage, independence and other “cool” traits, which are called “maximalism” among adults.

Advice from a psychologist to parents of teenagers

It is necessary to listen to your son and accept his desire to grow up. It is worth listening to the child and making it clear that you seriously evaluate his emotions and experiences. At the age of 13, it is necessary to discuss with the boy certain problems that are considered to be adults.

Advice from a psychologist to parents of teenagers:

It is necessary to gradually wean yourself from perceiving your son as a child. It is worth creating an atmosphere of trust in the house. That is, the father and mother must treat their child with patience and trust.
All guys at that age should have their own space. This does not mean that it is necessary to let everything take its course and give your son complete freedom. However, it is worth remembering that the child may get tired of his surroundings.
It's best if he has his own room and time to be alone. Teach your child to say “no.” Many guys have problems with this in their teens. They want to be like their peers, go to abandoned buildings, unfinished construction sites, or engage in dangerous pastimes at train stations.
Often such teenagers cling to trains. Accordingly, it is necessary to convince the child that this is quite dangerous and it is not worth sacrificing your health, as well as your life, in order to seem the coolest among your peers.

Teenager

Honesty comes first

Be sincere and friendly. If you do not share your child’s hobbies (punk music, for example), there is no need to scold what is dear to your child. It’s better to just ask him to tell you what exactly attracted him to this subculture. And then invite him to listen to what you like.

Another mistake parents of teenagers make is trying to pass themselves off as “one of their own.” That is, suddenly, out of the blue, start using youth slang in your speech, putting on teenage clothes, or going to a rock concert with your child and his group (when this music annoys you). After all, you won’t be able to pretend for long - and the “wolf in sheep’s clothing” will definitely figure out that the child will end up disappointed in the parent.

But it is still necessary to become a little more “advanced”, otherwise it will really be difficult for the child to find a common language with the “old people”. Therefore, it is important to be able to use a tablet and create pages on social networks where the child is. Virtual communication is more common for modern children - this will make it easier to find contact.

Article on the topic

I'm still small. Why don't teenagers want to grow up?

How to raise a boy without a father: advice from psychologists

Particular attention must be paid to adolescents who grow up in the company of only one mother, without a father. Very often in such families there are two extremes. The mother constantly controls the child, becomes fixated on him, and tries to take out her anger because of personal failures. Often, excessive guardianship makes a child dependent. Usually such children become objects of ridicule and bullying by their peers. They are very helpless and do not know how to stand up for themselves.

How to raise a boy without a father, advice from psychologists:

Remember, under no circumstances should you openly express your dissatisfaction and take it out on your child. In this case, he will feel like a burden, guilty of all his mother’s problems. Typically, such teenagers withdraw and are subject to the bad influence of their peers.
If a mother is offended by her father, she should under no circumstances turn the child against him. It is necessary to communicate with the child on equal terms, not to be a mother and father at the same time. In this case, it will be difficult for a teenager to understand what a real woman and man should be like.
In a family where there is no father, it is necessary to find appropriate authority for the child. This could be a family friend, a cousin or uncle, or one of the relatives who often visits the family.

Communication

Psychological diagnostic methods

Before a psychologist works with a teenager, a comprehensive diagnosis of the patient’s personality is carried out, an analysis of his “I” is carried out, and communication and other problems are identified.

Many techniques are used for this:

filling out questionnaires authored by R.B. Cattell, K. Leonhard;
research through tests on the level of aspirations and self-esteem;
diagnostics of a typical response to crisis and conflict situations according to K. Thomas, Dembo-Rubinstein or Budassi;
testing the level of anxiety by Ch. Spielberg or J. Taylor;
diagnostics of interpersonal relationships in the family and team according to T. Cleary’s method;
determining the type of personality, the degree of its maturation;
determining the patient's position on the depression scale.

A psychologist reveals a complete understanding of the mechanism of formation of a teenager’s personal “I” through the use of methods: “Repertory grids”, sociometry, sociability questionnaires, the prevalence of impulsive or inert decisions, drawing up an individual map of interests according to the method of E. A. Klimov.

Based on the data obtained, the psychologist will be able to understand what exactly the problem of deviation of the teenager’s behavior is, what “wounds” he is trying to protect through non-acceptance or active aggression, auto-aggression.

Next comes a long process of correcting self-perception, establishing communications with others, and building personal protection characteristic of a healthy personality.

Advice for a teenage boy

Children themselves suffer from the changes that happen to them, painfully experiencing growing up.

Advice for a teenage boy:

In order not to refuse your peers, shift the blame to your parents. Accordingly, if you are afraid to say “no”, or do not want to feel like an outcast, say what your parents forbade. This will prevent you from getting into an unpleasant situation.
Always count to 10 if you want to say something offensive or do something unexpected.
For facts and explanations, turn to your parents.
Your parents were teenagers too, so don't be afraid to ask them for help.
Choose the right and understandable words for conversations with adults. Sometimes parents don't understand youth slang.
Maintain hygiene and cleanliness. During this period, sweating increases and acne may occur.
Don't ignore communication with your peers. But if you don't support their hobbies, or consider their activities dangerous, go home.
Don't shirk your homework and physical labor. This strengthens and prepares for adult life.
Take care of your health. How you feel directly affects your appearance. At first it may seem that there is enough health for children and grandchildren, but this is not so.
Listen to the opinions of your parents and friends, but do as you see fit.

Online correspondence

Advice from a psychologist on how to help a teenager

At the age of 11-13 years there may be first attempts to try tobacco and alcohol. It is necessary to give the child freedom, but still control his circle of friends. If one of them drinks or smokes, try to gently explain to the child that this is not the best way to spend time. It is very difficult at this age to control their pastime, since they spend most of the day at school. Accordingly, at this time they can communicate with friends.

Advice from a psychologist on how to help a teenager:

Starting from the age of nine, it is best to come up with additional activities for the child to minimize the amount of free time. It has been proven that teenagers whose time is not controlled by their parents are unoccupied and often find themselves in unpleasant situations and bad company. Conversely, children who spend almost all their free time playing sports and attending clubs are less susceptible to peer influence, since they do not have time to think about bad things.
It is necessary for a teenager to have a hobby that calms him down and helps him achieve a state of balance. These can be mental and physical activities. Perhaps this is running your own blog or website on YouTube.
You cannot insist and force a teenager to do something specific. He must make his own choice. Remember that the child is not a copy of you, so he is not obliged to follow the instructions. It is necessary to assign certain household responsibilities to the teenager. This could be washing the floor, cleaning rooms.

Relationships
Here you can also read advice on various topics, for example :

How to win people over?
How to love a man correctly?
How to deal with stress and depression?
Why is it important to be able to forgive people?
My husband beats me, what should I do in this situation?

You cannot exploit a child and shift your work to him. However, a teenager must understand that he is a member of the family and has certain responsibilities. He is responsible for his actions, so he can choose what he will do.

Live life to the fullest

Remember that parenting is only one area of your life. You probably have friends with whom you are interested, places you have long wanted to visit, hobbies that you used to constantly put off, unread books. Channel some of your energy into self-care. Remain a well-rounded person that your teen will enjoy being around.

Often, communication between parents and students resembles interrogation and instruction. Avoid detailed questions about your studies and friends, talk about neutral topics, tell stories from your life, and joke. Involve your teenager in discussing family plans: where to go on the weekend, how to make repairs on a budget, how to fix an old car or buy a new one, what to give grandma for her anniversary.