Why does my husband constantly find fault with what to do in this case? A psychologist often encounters such questions when counseling women. All husbands are different, they all have positive and negative character traits.
Some people have bad habits. But there are also less noticeable, but such unpleasant character traits - constant pickiness, dissatisfaction, grumpiness. If your husband finds fault with everything, what should you do in this case, why does this happen? These questions need to be addressed in more detail.
Stop being a victim
Weak women, unable to defend themselves and fight back, attract powerful men. Spouses use such wives to take out their own complexes on them. They humiliate a woman, stoop in their accusations to direct insults and get personal. The purpose of reproaches is the same - to make the spouse feel guilty, inferior and grateful that the man still remains with her, so imperfect. No woman deserves to be treated like this. If your husband’s comments are constantly negative, you should think about whether the man is nearby. There are exceptions when a girl voluntarily takes on the role of a victim, apologizing for every wrong step.
Fatal mistake
Not every woman thinks about how to teach her husband a lesson for disrespect. The fact is that representatives of the fairer sex are accustomed to adapting to different situations. To adversity in life as well. In addition, our women, due to the peculiarities of their mentality, are much more patient than elsewhere. It is not surprising that they are so simply and easily ready to accept humiliation and insults from a man, slowly getting used to them. And this, of course, is their fatal mistake.
By insulting and humiliating his wife, throwing nasty things at her, the husband deals a painful blow to her psyche. Even if she endures all this, it will not bring anything good. But the worst thing is that each time these attacks “take an upward course.” If initially this was the only rude word, then over time there will be a dozen of them. And then blows may follow. As a result, a woman cannot realize herself in life, hobbies, work, or feel joy and love. She can only expect further attacks every day.
Increase self-esteem
Sometimes a wife, by her behavior and attitude towards herself, allows a man to criticize and reproach. Women with low self-esteem tend to talk about the imperfection of their figure, their inability to cook, and choose outfits. Constantly asserting: “How fat I’ve gained!”, “I’m such a fool!”, you may not receive a reaction of disagreement and a storm of compliments in response. A man does not always understand such hints; most often, self-criticism leads to criticism from the husband. Therefore, you need to respect yourself and work on self-esteem. The husband may not be aware of the shortcomings that the wife attributes to herself.
What is the main value for a man when choosing a woman?
Constructive…
There is a category of people who are unable to accept any criticism. Even objective.
For example, your man angrily told you that the new gold mini with sequins and ruffles does not suit you, and suggested buying a new one.
You pouted, got upset and threw a tantrum. But he wanted the best. And the wording, you agree, was correct?
Adjust your way of thinking, otherwise your relationship will soon come to a justified ending.
What distinguishes constructive criticism from inappropriate criticism? There is no value or accusatory judgment or claim in it. She offers solutions to the problem, rather than finding someone to blame.
There is no point in being offended by such criticism. It will bring you nothing but benefit.
Learn to see the difference. This will help you in life.
Separate types of criticism
An offended woman confuses adequate remarks with groundless nagging. It is important to distinguish between types of criticism: constructive criticism has no accusatory overtones. Sometimes the purpose of a man’s statement is the desire to change something for the better. Perhaps the husband chose the wrong form and tone of the remark. If you don’t get offended and don’t withdraw into yourself, but look at the situation from the outside, then there will be no reason for concern.
If a man reproaches without reason and his criticism is destructive, then the meaning of the statements is to lower his wife’s self-esteem and to rise at her expense.
How a caring husband turns into an evil tyrant
During the romantic period, sweet manifestations of his attention take such forms that you cease to recognize your chosen one. You loved it so much when he suddenly squeezed you tightly - on the verge of the pain threshold! In this you felt so much strength and reliability, the strength of his feelings, attraction, your chosenness. Now... it will never come to real violence, but sometimes you feel a strange aggression behind it, a desire to cause pain. If you ask to let go, he may hesitate, as if receiving a strange pleasure from it. His jokes on the verge of a foul made you laugh a lot on your honeymoon: “Are you sure you can go out in this?”, “Be quiet, woman!”, “You’ll know who’s boss!” But now they look like cruel mockery, while for your partner it is normal.
At the same time, nit-picking about order, criticism for poor performance of household duties, and unfair reproaches, taken, as it seems to you, out of thin air, have increased. He is looking for opportunities to slightly belittle you, level out your merits, say something unpleasant, for example: “I cleaned up well, but forgot to put my slippers back in place.” And then immediately make up for the negative impression: “Well, come to me, I’m joking, you know.” And these endless “buts”, endless “under-”. In the end, you feel deep hidden grievances against you, while you would definitely pass the qualifying round of the “Best Wife of Russia” competition.
React correctly
If you take all your husband’s reproaches to heart, family life will turn into hell. You need to fight back against a man. Do not make excuses, do not criticize in response and do not become hysterical. Act gently, with feminine wisdom. Each man requires a special approach. With one thing, humor helps (“yes, Your Highness” or “How difficult it is for you to live with me”), with the other - ignoring: letting minor remarks pass deaf ears until they cross the border. If the reproaches are offensive, tell your spouse directly about it. It is important to prevent offensive statements from your husband, stop name-calling and direct his criticism in a constructive direction. Unexpressed grievances gradually exhaust the psyche and lead to major conflicts.
Harmonious family relationships: 8 tips
A New Approach to Conflict Resolution
The men described above belong to the type of people with an anal vector. The training “System-vector psychology” by Yuri Burlan describes eight vectors, eight types of innate psychological properties inherent in humans. This is a complete, systemic knowledge about the human psyche, which allows you to recognize his innate mental properties and desires, see the reasons for his behavior, and deeply understand the roots of one or another of your conflicts with this person.
Knowledge of the properties and manifestations of each vector, the criteria for their development and implementation in an individual person allows you to quickly and accurately determine what state a person is in and understand him from the inside. This is a fundamentally different approach to a person, since we apply all advice and knowledge through our understanding, our feelings, which deprives us of the opportunity to understand the nature of the conflict and, as a result, resolve it.
Determine the reason for the reproaches
Often the reason for constant critical comments does not lie at all in the mistakes of the wives. Sometimes it's the men themselves. If you watch your husband and listen to him carefully, something new suddenly opens up. Why does the spouse constantly reproach:
- Upbringing. Some grow up in strictness from childhood; in the family, reproaches prevail over praise. Such husbands in adulthood adopt communication with constant complaints. The wife’s task is to surround her husband with love, care and affection, to let him understand what is more important.
- Character. There is a category of men who are grumblers in life. They are unhappy with everything and love to mutter. It is better to treat them condescendingly and not take criticism personally.
- Vampirism. An energy vampire feeds on the emotions of others. The more violent reactions he receives, the more pleasant it is for him. Therefore, it is better to ignore reproaches or turn them into jokes, without succumbing to provocations.
- Voltage. The wife falls under the “hot hand” because the husband does not know how to relieve accumulated tension and aggression. They most often take it out on loved ones. If you cannot prevent your husband’s reproaches by talking about his problems, then you need to try to be patient with your tired and embittered loved one.
- Low self-esteem. People who lack self-confidence tend to criticize and reproach. The husband needs support and high appreciation of his merits and achievements. They need to be admired and praised, even if there is nothing special to praise for. A man treated kindly and surrounded by compliments will respond with gentleness and attention.
- Dissatisfaction. A spouse who criticizes over trifles (things are in the wrong place, the soup was cooked incorrectly) experiences discomfort in other ways. He is offended or dissatisfied with the attitude towards himself; perhaps his beloved pays little attention to him. Having discussed the situation with the husband, they also solve the problem of reproaches.
- Projection. Often people criticize what they don’t like about themselves. Anyone who often talks about his wife’s excess weight may himself be far from ideal.
How to praise and not intercept a man: 5 rules
If a spouse constantly criticizes, then he is either a domestic tyrant, or he has psychological problems: poor self-esteem, dissatisfaction with work, dissatisfaction with his personal life. To cope with daily nagging, you need to find out their cause, and also change your attitude towards comments and yourself. Stop blaming yourself, making excuses and reacting violently, being offended and angry. If we are not talking about emotional violence in the family, then patience and frank conversations with your husband will help you fight reproaches.
If you only hear insults from your husband, will it be better later?
When a man constantly calls his woman offensive words and finds fault with her for any reason, this does not mean that she is bad and he is trying to correct her.
The reason may not be immediately noticeable, and the woman will never change the way he wants. The couple has been married for several days, but the wife has not gotten any worse, she has children and she takes care of them. In such a situation, the reason lies in the husband himself.
He may be dissatisfied with himself, his own career, salary, and the team may not like him. But he doesn’t want to look for the reason in himself, change himself, correct the situation; it’s much easier to have a blast at home with his wife. A wife can point out to her husband his own mistakes and failures, but there is no way out, you can only aggravate the situation, make him angrier.
There are two steps you can take:
- Pack up and leave it
. - Wait until he realizes the reason on his own
. But in this case, you can waste many years to no avail.
If your husband abuses alcohol and becomes cheeky and aggressive after drinking, you don’t need to console yourself that he only does this when he’s drunk.
In the future, cases of drunken rudeness will become more frequent and last longer. As a result, they can turn into physical violence, since each time the husband will go further and further in his obscenities. And the reason here is not at all alcohol, it’s just that in a sober state a man can quite keep his emotions and feelings under control. If he has reached the point where he can humiliate his wife in front of strangers, in front of the children, then the situation will not get better. It is convenient for him to solve his own psychological problems in this way. You will have to either endure it or take radical measures, that is, leave him.
A man wants to feel superior to the victim; if you don’t stop this, you may no longer remember your own name in the future, and he will call you whatever you want, and it’s always offensive. If, when trying to change the situation in this case, the husband does not draw conclusions, there is no need to call him names in response, he will not change.
false mirror
Are you annoyed by your friend's way of speaking or her habit of wearing short skirts? Don't you like untidy people? Stingy men?
Let me tell you a secret: what irritates us in others is what we dislike most about ourselves. What we hide in the very depths.
Likewise, your man can criticize you for being overweight, although he himself has tens of extra pounds.
Or he compares you with others in the style of “here’s Tolik’s wife...”, but doesn’t remember that Tolik provides his woman with everything to make her happy.
To deal with this problem, you definitely shouldn’t scream and throw tantrums. First, think about whether you give him the opportunity to express himself as a man. Are you a woman who destroys or creates?
If the latter, explain to him softly, confidently and in a calm voice that you will not accept criticism in this form. Choose your words carefully.
You also need to be able to talk about your boundaries or refuse a man.
