The “good girl” syndrome in psychology is understood as an unhealthy form of perfectionism , formed in a person in childhood under the influence of parental education. During our school years, each of us had a classmate who only got straight A's, didn't go to the disco, and devoted all her free time to homework and helping her mother around the house. Psychologists are convinced that it is precisely such quiet people who are capable of suffering from a similar painful syndrome in the future.
The basis of the “good girl” behavior model is the need for approval and praise from adults , which over time develops into a priority task for the entire existence of the individual. But how happy are such people? As a rule, they feel like very unhappy individuals who seem to live someone else’s life for the sake of their immediate environment. The article will discuss the causes of the syndrome, give its characteristic signs, and also propose psychological methods for getting rid of this problem.
“Good girl” syndrome: what is it?
CONTENT:
As is known, most psychological disorders have their origins in early childhood . Intense stress, fears and experiences can be forgotten by the individual, because memory tries to protect us from their harmful influence. However, they do not disappear anywhere, they simply “sleep” in the depths of the psyche, waiting for the right time to manifest themselves in full force in the form of increased anxiety, various phobias and difficulties in establishing trusting contacts. One of these “psychological” anchors that pulls a person to the bottom of depression and poor health is the “good girl” syndrome.
Its essence lies in the fact that a person lives in an atmosphere of constant readiness to help others , even against his own interests. Psychologists are convinced that the syndrome is largely formed under the influence of the life attitudes of the individual’s parents. It is they who give him a life guideline in the form of “do everything well and you will become good yourself,” to which he unsuccessfully strives throughout his life. In childhood, correct behavior is reinforced with praise and affection, which makes the situation even worse. It is from here that a person’s conviction comes that if he tries to behave differently, his mom and dad will turn away from him.
“The essence of the syndrome is that a person lives in an atmosphere of constant readiness to help others, even against his own interests.”
So, we found out that the “good girl” syndrome consists of two components - the parental “life guide” and the fear of being rejected by loved ones. What are the characteristic signs of such a psychological disorder? Let's figure it out.
Causes of the syndrome
The complex is purchased in childhood. Then the child receives attitudes that contribute to the formation of the image of a good girl:
- be modest;
- do not contradict your elders;
- be obedient, polite, etc.
In most cases, the mother is to blame for the formation of this complex. In order to earn her mother’s love and attract her attention, a girl must bring good grades from school, wash the dishes, clean, and only after all this could she hear words of praise addressed to her. The girl has a firmly rooted belief: in order to be loved, you need to be good, give people what they expect from you, forgetting about your feelings and needs. The girl takes this childhood model of behavior with her into adulthood: she strives to please everyone, in return to receive care and attention, and the approval of others. Your own choices, values, and desires fade into the background.
The need to do something to be loved is one of the signs of the syndrome
Signs of the complex
Psychologists have determined that the characteristic features of a person suffering from the “good girl” syndrome include:
- Imbalance of emotional manifestations and “floating” self-esteem . As a rule, such a person simply does not know how to accept and love himself just like that; he definitely needs some reason for this, usually in the form of gratitude from other people.
- Pathological desire to “ live by the rules ” and reluctance to make independent choices. The person does not play around in kindergarten, diligently attends school, enters the university that her parents recommended to her, and even marries the one whom her mother and father recommended to her.
- The desire to receive approval from every member of the environment . The desire to please everyone around can reach the point of absurdity, because such a person is ready to do anything so that nothing bad is said about him.
- A positive reaction to any actions of significant people and sincere joy for their successes.
- Absolute inability to say “no” in response to requests from friends and family. A person is ready to give up his own plans for the evening or a long-awaited vacation, just so that a friend or work colleague does not regard her behavior as selfish. As a result, everyone around is relaxing and enjoying life, and the “good girl” sits with other people’s children or works in a stuffy office, driving herself into a whirlwind of depressive thoughts and incessant stress.
- Fear of criticism from others. As a result, such individuals are very conservative; it is difficult for them to change established habits and behavioral patterns, even if they are ineffective and make them unhappy people.
- Hiding your own irritability and anger. You will never hear a “good girl” complain about anyone from the team, since she is afraid to openly demonstrate her hostility towards a person, preferring to skillfully disguise it as goodwill. This leads to the accumulation of aggression within the individual, which provokes the development of psychosomatic disorders and other health problems.
- " It's all my fault ." Another characteristic feature of the syndrome is that people suffering from it blame only themselves for any failures. Did a major deal with a foreign investor fall through at work? The “good girl” will come up with a dozen reasons to torture only herself for this. Are any of your relatives sick? She will say that she did not pay him enough attention. And so on ad infinitum.
- Oddly enough, “good girls” do not know how to accept sincere praise and compliments, although they always strive for them. Why is this happening? They are simply confident that people evaluate them positively in advance, although in reality they have not done anything yet. That is, such signs of attention for them are just empty, meaningless chatter, because they know how far they are from the ideal of a good worker, mother or wife.
Above we have listed the most striking symptoms of a person having the “good girl” syndrome. If you recognize yourself in at least a couple of points, then you should think about starting to change your own behavior. The next section of the article can help with this.
Why know your leading myth?
The guiding myth, changeable or constant, must be understood in order to identify the self-destructive pattern in your life and correct course. The year I finished the book draft, I was physically and emotionally exhausted, struggling to juggle the podcast, the book, and coaching. I refused to take breaks and tried to squeeze more things into my schedule instead of going to lunch.
After a few weeks of living in this mode, the body began to give alarm signals: the eyes were closed all day, weakness, headaches and digestive problems appeared. I fell (once again) under the influence of my main myth - perfection.
But since this wasn’t the first time this happened, I quickly realized that I needed to slow down. I made a difficult decision: I emailed all of my coaching clients and told them that I was taking December and January off to recover. It was important for me to show that I am an imperfect person, vulnerable and not running from the truth. I suggested that clients stop coaching or continue it next year.
I also canceled all planned trips and meetings and explained why: I was on the verge of burnout due to my insatiable desire to succeed (yes, I did!). And people appreciated my sincerity.
You can talk openly with people about your myth. By slowing down, I recovered and looked at my ministry to women with fresh eyes and found inspiration. Knowing ourselves makes it easier to track self-destructive patterns, catch ourselves in old habits and choose a different path.
1Increase your self-esteem
As a rule, every “good girl” suffers from low self-esteem, which stems from her reverent attitude towards other people’s opinions. You can fix this by doing it yourself. How to become an independent person in our time? Everything is very simple. Do what you want . Have you always dreamed of doing sports, for example, morning jogging? Go ahead, get busy. Are you tired of work and want something new? Quit your job and find something you like. The main thing is, before you take a decisive step, do not ask anyone for advice except yourself.
What myths were hidden under the letters?
- Rules = A
- Perfection = B
- Logic = B
- Harmony = G
- Victim = D
Count how many times you circled each letter. Write down the results, as well as your observations and thoughts.
| Letter | Myth | Grade | A comment |
| A | Rules | ||
| B | Perfection | ||
| IN | Logics | ||
| G | Harmony | ||
| D | Victim | ||
| Total |
So, you've assessed the impact of good girl myths on your life. What do you think? Were you surprised by the results? Or vice versa? Maybe they confused you? Upset? Confirmed what you already suspected?
If you were unable to identify one myth and two or three myths scored approximately the same number of points, do not worry. The leading myth will certainly emerge as you read the chapter on each myth individually.
If you suddenly feel uneasy, the thought appears that you are some kind of flawed person, then, firstly, such behavior is not your fault. Secondly, you are not alone: thousands of women experience the same problems. This is our common problem.
And thirdly, do not forget that you are a strong woman, and I will help you become even stronger. Once you realize that you yourself are destroying your life, you will be able to take responsibility and stop attributing everything to external circumstances.
3Don’t hold back negative emotions
This strategy will only lead you to depression and various diseases. Therefore, learn to throw out aggression, and not accumulate it inside yourself, putting your mental and physical health at risk. How to do it? Get creative, where you can express your anger in artistic form, or go out into nature more often, because there you can scream at trees and stones to your heart’s content, and no one will ever know about it.
But the best solution is to learn to express your negativity directly. Has a person upset you? Tell him about it directly, but in a calm tone and without falling into hysterics. You will immediately feel relief, and the offender will avoid provoking your patience in the future.
5Accept yourself
Each of us has certain shortcomings and flaws. People are not perfect, but they strive for the ideal. However, it is not feasible. So is it worth spending your whole life searching for impossible dreams? It is much better to live “here and now”, enjoy a sunny day, birdsong, favorite music or mint tea. And most importantly, enjoy your own company . In addition, by accepting yourself, you will quickly gain confidence in your own abilities, and this will help you cope with the “good girl” syndrome and give you peace of mind.
Risk group
This complex is more pronounced in women, but it does not bypass men either. A “good boy” often grows up thanks to the upbringing of an authoritarian mother. In adult life, such a man constantly seeks the approval of women; he strives to do the right thing, to be good for everyone, even if this contradicts his principles. The good boy complex is a problem that can significantly ruin a man’s life.
A man loses his temperament, he is uncomfortable in male company, he will prefer to communicate in female society. These are men who allow the woman to take over in the relationship, abdicating all responsibility for making any decisions. They are afraid of quarrels and conflict situations, because this will cause them to lose their dignity in the eyes of others.
6Differentiate your own “I” from the rest of the world
You should understand that personal goals, aspirations, tasks are much more important than everything else put together. So stop living for someone else (parents, husband, children, work), and start living for yourself. This does not mean that you should become a selfish lady who puts your own interests above all others, just pamper yourself more often with delicious delicacies, regularly update your wardrobe, and go to visit your friends. The world won't fall apart if you devote a few hours of free time to yourself. But you will become much happier.
Excellence complex. Good Girl Syndrome. How to get rid of the good girl complex?
Finally, I would like to say that the “good girl” syndrome is an ineffective behavioral model that leads an individual to an awareness of the meaninglessness of existence, apathy and depression. If you notice signs of such a problem, then don’t waste your time and start solving it. After the first successes, you will immediately feel mental relief, it will become easier for you to accept the sympathy of others and give your love in return. This way you will find your own path in life and become a happy person.
What is it worth to want to please everyone?
The price for this behavior is high:
- You're exhausting yourself
Giphy
You're not doing anything that would give you energy or joy. The result can be burnout and depression.
- Are you stressed?
If you are constantly trying to please others, you will waste a lot of energy in the process. You always have to maintain the façade: you have to pretend to like things that you don’t like at all. All this leads to the release of stress hormones into the blood.
- You're unhappy
If you are constantly trying to please everyone, you forget one person: yourself! Plus: you rarely get a “thank you” from them. This doesn't suit you in your heart.
- You have a negative image of yourself
How does it feel to know that your needs are not important? How does it feel to always say “yes” when you want to scream “no”? Every time you lose a little self-respect.
- They don't respect you
People around you will soon get used to the fact that they can treat you without respect. Because you allow it, while continuing to do everything to achieve love and respect.
