How to get rid of addiction to a man? Psychology of relationships between men and women

• October 10, 2019
• Psychology of relationships
• Angelica Braldi

Is attachment to a person a bad thing? Why fight her? Does everyone need the notorious independence? Why shouldn't a woman adore her partner? After all, love implies a partial dissolution of one’s own “I” in the one on whom “the white light converges like a wedge.”

Indeed, strong feelings, passion, devotion, adoration are good. But dependence on another person does not manifest itself in them at all and only brings harm to a woman and destroys her personality. The basis of addiction is not love at all, but fears, complexes, obsessive states, negative experiences, thinking stereotypes and other similar phenomena. Accordingly, dependence on a partner can be attributed to mental or emotional disorders. That is, in fact, this condition is a disease that needs treatment.

What is addiction?

In psychology, the term “addiction syndrome” is used. This condition is a pathology that requires specific treatment. Psychologists call the emotional need for another person a separate term - “codependency.”

According to the definition, this is a special state characterized by a specific combination of mental, emotional and physiological phenomena that determine the need for something or someone, elevating this object to first place in the system of life values.

Dependence can be both physiological, psychological and emotional. Both subtypes of this pathology have three stages of development:

• initial;
• average;
• final

Of course, the easiest way to deal with this syndrome is in its initial stage. However, the question of how to get rid of dependence on a man usually arises only when the pathology becomes obvious and noticeable to both the woman herself and those around her. And this is precisely what makes the process of getting rid of the syndrome very long and difficult.

Cheerfulness

How to get rid of attachment to a man? There is one effective remedy in psychology: you need to tune in to a positive mood. Always look to the future with hope for the best, but be prepared for different scenarios. You should not be afraid of failures and difficulties. Every victory over life's circumstances brings experience that will make you stronger and wiser. Be sure to find joyful feelings within yourself and release them more often. Psychologists say: you can learn to enjoy everything, even good weather. If life doesn’t spoil you with pleasant events, organize them yourself! Fill your every day with miracles and happy moments, laugh more, entertain yourself. Over time, you will definitely get used to smiling.

What are the features of this emotional state?

Many women associate dependence in a relationship with submission to a man, “serving” his interests and the loss of their own personality. Without a doubt this is true. However, these conditions are only a small part of the overall picture. A woman can be completely dependent, but at the same time not submit, but dominate.

Psychologists identify the following roles that a woman dependent on them can play in a relationship:

• savior;
• pursuer, huntress;
• victim.

There are three main types called the Karpman triangle. Such socio-psychological roles are characteristic of any relationship between people, but with addiction they take on exaggerated forms.

Accordingly, how to get rid of psychological dependence on a man should begin with awareness of the problem and with defining your type and role.

The Key to Reprogramming Your Attachment Pattern

Attachment patterns are fairly stable, and research suggests that about 70-80% of people do not experience significant changes in their attachment style over time. This is great news if you're a secure type, but what if you're one of those whose attachment patterns get in the way of healthy, happy relationships?

Alas, it is not possible to switch from one style to another in one day, but the situation is by no means hopeless. However, before we give you tips on what to do, let's talk about the tool you'll be using. Namely, about the brain.

FAQs A professional chess player revealed 3 ways to build self-confidence. Take note, this will definitely come in handy.

Have you ever heard that we only use 10% of our brain? Well, that's an obvious lie. Most of the time we use it entirely. What this statement actually means is that a relatively small part of our brain is directly involved in what we think of as conscious information processing.

Most processes in the brain are automated and take place outside of our consciousness. For example, if someone throws a ball at your head, your hand will automatically rise in an attempt to catch or avoid it without having to consciously plan the movement.

Physiological components of emotional systems also operate outside of awareness. Human emotions are, for the most part, governed by an area of ​​the brain called the limbic system.

However, let's not go into anatomy - let's just say that our emotional systems react to incoming data, but do not care about where they come from - from reality or imagination.

Because of this, emotional experiences can be intentionally changed through mental images and your own inner voice from negative to positive. New memories and emotions literally rewire the brain—fortunately, it adapts very easily.

Those connections that you often use are strengthened, and those that are not in demand are cut off and weakened. So, if you're stuck in a cycle of memories of a painful relationship in the past or fantasies of an unhappy love, these circuits will be activated when you try to communicate with a pretty girl, preventing you from getting closer to her.

It's time to reverse this trend by strengthening the positive pathways and weakening the negative, anxiety-producing ones. Repeated positive imaginary experiences combined with positive emotions will create new memories and activate the pleasure centers in your brain.

So, we've sorted out the theory, now let's move on to practice.

What is the most common role?

As a rule, female “victims” turn to psychologists for help. They often do this under the influence of public opinion. “Chasers”, as a rule, do not notice any special problems, and other people usually envy them. If these are financially secure, socially independent women, then throughout their lives they do not realize that they are dependent.

“Savior” is the most common socio-psychological role. Women “love” losers, guys “with a sea of ​​melancholy in their eyes”, suffering from alcoholism or drug addiction, terminally ill people, “unrecognized geniuses” and everyone else who needs help, pity, care, guardianship. This type of dependence grows out of maternal instinct, and it is very terrible for the female psyche.

A woman with such dependence completely devotes herself to caring for a man, to the point of forgetting about her own appearance, not to mention hobbies, interests, hobbies, and tastes. At the same time, the whole family is “subordinate” to the man; if a woman has children, they are in second place, and she also requires them to take care of the man.

The woman herself is absolutely convinced that “without her, her beloved will be lost.” She needs to constantly “save” the man, protect, protect, “stand guard over his interests.” Such women are convinced that only they “understand” their chosen one.

This form of addiction is scary not only for women. It cripples the psyche of children and completely destroys the already weak personality of a man. A self-sufficient, accomplished, successful husband does not need saving; accordingly, insecure individuals become partners of such women. Over the years, from such a “clogged life” a real tyrant, a domestic despot, grows. This happens because the man is trying to psychologically resist the “savior.”

How to get rid of love addiction and find peace of mind - examples

Addiction is the inability to see objective reality, to look the problem in the eye. I will give a vivid example from my psychological practice of how this can manifest itself in relationships.

• Elena is dating a married man – Vasily. Vasily promises her every week that he is about to leave his wife, and he and Elena will be happy together. Rose-colored glasses protect Elena from cruel reality: she does not notice that Vasily is doing his best to hide the fact of Elena’s existence from his wife. She doesn't pay attention to the fact that she has no right to call him herself. She also does not notice that only he can set the time and place of the meeting. She does not see that she is tied hand and foot in this relationship.

And even if Elena notices all this and gets angry, her brain still finds excuses for Vasily: “Apparently, this is necessary. He said that he didn’t want to hurt her. He'll tell you right after her birthday. He can’t delete her photo from his desktop, but she might suspect something. And we definitely need to wait for rain on Thursday so as not to hit her.”

The brain comes up with all these excuses in order not to traumatize Elena’s psyche. This is how the instinct of self-preservation works: in order to preserve the psyche, the brain adapts to the situation and creates the most comfortable conditions (thoughts) in order to leave everything as it is. This basic brain function was present in the very first people on earth. In those days, she saved a person from imminent death. The brain protected us from danger: “Don’t change anything, sit in this cave, don’t go far, there’s the unknown, you’ll freeze there, get stuck in a swamp, won’t find food, or you’ll be killed.”

At that time, this was really relevant, because death awaited at every turn. The brain did everything to leave a person in the so-called “comfort zone,” which essentially means “a place where one can survive, a place where it is safe.” And even if a person feels bad here, he is at least alive, and in the unknown there is a threat to his life.

Since those ancient times, the reality around us has changed a lot, but the firmware of the brain has remained the same. A person no longer lives in a cave and does not need a partner as much as air or water. But his brain still tightly protects him from any serious changes.

We can't do anything about the instinct of self-preservation, but we can learn to consciously live without addictions. After all, instinct is an unconscious thing. So how to get rid of love addiction and find peace of mind? How can you outwit your brain and learn to perceive reality consciously?

I present to you five specific steps, following which you will be able to get rid of love addiction and become a full-fledged, mature, psychologically healthy person.

Do dependence on a partner have characteristic common features?

Before you try to get rid of your addiction to a man, you need to make sure that it really exists. Of course, each case is individual and has its own characterizing nuances. However, psychologists identify a number of common signs, the presence of which in a relationship should cause caution.

Common signs of dependence on a partner include the following:

• self-deception, denial of reality, cultivation of one’s delusions;
• compulsions - rituals observed regularly and thoroughly, this can be any “household tradition”; in the presence of pathology, an error in the order of “conducting the ritual” or neglect of it becomes a real tragedy;
• feelings of guilt or self-hatred;
• belittling one's own importance, falling self-esteem;
• aggression that is difficult to control, anger, rage;
• control, constant provision of assistance without requests for it;
• pressure and decision-making “for two”;
• anticipating needs, thoughts, actions, words or desires;
• pity, anxiety;
• ignoring one's own needs;
• fixation on the interests of the partner;
• problems in the intimate sphere, for example, the inability to relax and “disconnect” from thoughts during intercourse;
• justifying any actions of the partner;
• isolation;
• the habit of “putting in order” the thoughts and feelings of another person.

Of course, not all of these signs are inherent in a specific addiction. For example, a “savior” will make decisions for a man during the day, and at night in bed she will think about whether he is comfortable. The “victim” will become depressed, withdraw into himself, and suffer from feelings of guilt.

Varieties of the condition

Psychological attachment can be healthy and sick. The first type is a conditional emotional intimacy that ends if the relationship becomes irrelevant. This can include a feeling of warmth and tenderness between a guy and a girl, and the cessation of communication after breaking up. Love passes, the couple ends the relationship, starting a new life. When attachment makes a person unfree, brings pain and suffering, the feeling turns into a neurotic disease that needs to be fought. In this case, even the very thought of the absence of the object of attachment causes pain, its real absence causes fear, suffering, and mental breakdown. Attachment gradually turns into an unhealthy dependence that is difficult to get rid of.

READ

How to get out of the friend zone: algorithm of actions, correct behavior

Reliable

A stable emotional connection between people was first described by John Bowlby. The essence of the theory is that a person becomes attached to someone who shows care, warmth, and love towards him. A reliable type is formed from childhood, when the child calmly plays with children and toys, but periodically checks where his mother is. In adulthood, this type of relationship turns into attachment to a loved one. A man values ​​a woman, has deep feelings for her, but allows her temporary absence. When the relationship deteriorates and the couple separates, everyone begins to live their own lives.

Remote

When close people are separated, a feeling of emptiness, loneliness, and boredom appears. It is normal for loved ones to miss you and look forward to meeting you. The problem arises when a person, deprived of an object of affection, begins to panic, shows helplessness, obsession, and cannot live normally and fulfill the responsibilities assigned to him.

Alarming

There are 2 types of attachment: anxious-stable and anxious-avoidant. In the first case, a person experiences discomfort when the object of adoration is lost from sight, in the second, he shows emotional lability and does not react in any way to the absence or long-awaited meeting. A person demonstratively ignores, although in fact he feels a need for an object of affection. This type of behavior is present in children who were abandoned by their mother and then returned, and in adults when the chosen one or chosen one makes mistakes and then tries to make peace.

Neurotic

Considered as a pathological mental disorder. The child cannot let go of his mother, he does not leave her one step. The lover is “on a short leash”; the girl cannot communicate with other men due to the excessive jealousy of the chosen one. Signs of neurotic attachment:

1. Denial of other relationship options: “Without him there is no life,” “Without her, life will lose meaning.”
2. Constantly together. The girl does not let the guy go to his friends, the man does not allow the woman to go shopping on her own.
3. Uncontrollable jealousy out of the blue without the slightest reason.
4. Obsessive desires: “I need to be loved more than life itself.”
5. Greed. The neurotic type of love is characterized by insatiability. I want more of everything.
6. Fear of being rejected. A sick person cannot be refused. An unanswered call or refusal of a planned meeting turns into a real tragedy. The thought of ending a relationship brings unrealistic mental suffering, and if this actually happens, threats of suicide will follow.
7. Self-deception. A person invents an object of love for himself and does not even suspect that he does not know how to truly love. A neurotic lives in an illusion and cannot accept the true state of things.
8. Attempts to evoke pity. A dependent person suffers humiliation, but cannot dot all the i's. He does everything to be pitied, because he suffers and is in pain.

How can you tell if addiction is developing in a relationship?

The main signs can be noticed at the very beginning of the development of this pathology. In the early stages, coping with it is quite simple, and it is not at all necessary to separate from your partner.

What are these “alarm bells”? Psychologists recommend thinking about the nature of a relationship with a man if it contains the following:

• a sharp loss of interest in what is happening around, a change in one’s own habits and tastes;
• panic fear of separation, the thought of such a possibility terrifies;
• aggression towards people who criticize a partner or consider the relationship not particularly successful;
• idealization of a man, forgiveness and justification of any of his actions;
• severe mood swings;
• the desire not to be separated for a second.

Of course, these signs are also characteristic of intense love. Accordingly, having discovered their presence in your relationship, you do not need to get upset and resort to any drastic measures. And of course, we must not forget that before you get rid of your addiction to a man, you need to make sure that it exists. Otherwise, you can lose true love and become lonely and unhappy.

Addiction Recognition

Attachment is pathological in nature when a person cannot imagine life without a lover and tries to constantly make contact with the person, even if he is busy with other things. In the absence of a loved one, the dependent partner feels devastated, and with prolonged separation, he becomes depressed.

Do not confuse the concepts of “love” and “dependence”:

1. When truly loving, a person values ​​his partner’s personal space and tries to please him even to the detriment of his own interests.
2. The addict acts solely to satisfy his own needs; he is not interested in the feelings of his partner.

There is also a difference in the emotional perception of relationships. When you fall in love, you feel freedom, joy of being together, vigor and strength. People live their own lives, support each other, but do not lose their identity.

With addiction, a person experiences jealousy, dissatisfaction and other negative emotions. He strives to make his partner his property, to tie him down. The desire to possess has little to do with true love.

READ How to break up with a guy if you love him, but there is no future: advice from a psychologist

How to make sure that you are dependent on your partner?

How to understand what prevails in a relationship - love or dependence? In the virtual space you can find many different tests, and in glossy magazines you can find articles devoted to this issue.

But should you blindly trust them? The nature of every relationship is unique. What becomes a pathology in one couple, in another indicates love and respect. It is impossible to measure specific feelings with generalized concepts. Attachment to a person, participation in his life, passion for his interests, manifestations of care and respect - this is not a pathology.

How can you test your relationship without harming it? Psychologists recommend spending some time apart. We are not talking about a weekend, but about a much longer period of time. Moreover, you should refrain from constant phone calls or communications via the network. From a distance, things become apparent that cannot be seen up close.

If a woman is sad and strives to send photos of the surrounding landscapes, tell a man about the interesting place she is in - this indicates love. But if your hand automatically reaches for your smartphone to find out what shirt a man is wearing, whether he ironed it, what he took with him for lunch, what time he returned from work, these are symptoms of addiction.

What is attachment

Attachment and love are often confused and put on the same level, but this is wrong, since the first is a feeling that is somewhat akin to a habit, and the second is much broader and higher. We get used to our favorite things, so we can’t part with old sneakers or a cracked cup; familiar people seem nice to us, familiar places seem loved.

Attachment, like love, has many faces - these are interpersonal relationships between parents and children, friends, spouses. It gives us good emotions, gives us pleasure, a feeling of reliability and we want it to always be like this. But attachment is fraught with hidden danger if it develops too quickly or takes the form of dependence.

Each person experiences the need for intimacy and love differently and manifests it differently in relationships. Psychologists distinguish 4 types of attachment, which are formed in early childhood based on the child’s relationship with his mother or parents:

• The reliable type is expressed in confidence in oneself, in one's partner and in the environment. People with this type do not need confirmation of their own importance; they tend to be emotionally open and form strong, equal relationships.
• The anxious type is expressed in a negative perception of oneself, devaluation of one’s personality against the background of the environment. Such people are always tormented by jealousy; it seems to them that they are not good enough for their partner, while they really need constant approval and support.
• The anxious-avoidant type is characterized by self-doubt. Such people suffer greatly from contradiction - they are looking for a relationship and are afraid of it, they distrust their partner, fearing to be abandoned.
• The avoidant-rejecting type is expressed in excessive independence. People with this type of attachment play a “game of anticipation”, trying to be the first to break the connection, so as not to receive a painful blow to their pride in the event of separation.

Now it becomes clear that to create a strong and happy couple, both need to experience a secure type of attachment.

How to cope?

How to get rid of addiction to a man? Is it possible to solve this problem on your own? Do you need the help of a psychotherapist? These and many other questions interest every woman who believes that she is dependent on her partner.

Psychologists advise approaching this problem step by step and rationally. This is very difficult; not every woman can “turn off” her emotions. For this reason, you may need help from other people. When talking with someone, it is much easier to abstract yourself from your experiences and look at the problem from the outside.

First you need to understand your socio-psychological role. They are rarely pure; as a rule, all three types of behavior are present, but one dominates, the second complements, and the third appears rarely, in exceptional situations. You can understand which role is the main one by analyzing an ordinary weekday; you should not think about reactions that arise in extreme situations.

After this stage, you need to begin analyzing characteristic sensations. For example, if a woman is a “victim,” what does she experience? Horror at the thought of separation? Fear of not ironing your shirt well enough? Is she afraid of the prospect of being abandoned or physically beaten? Is she unable to make decisions? Doesn't she want to be responsible herself? Does she consider herself unworthy of this particular man? Does it seem to her that her inner world is boring, but his is beautiful?

The list of questions is endless. Each woman has her own feelings and there are a lot of them. In order not to get confused in them, an initial definition of the social role is required. Based on the general enumeration of characteristics, we can identify the main, basic pathological emotions, for example, fear of loneliness.

After this, you need to understand when and how these sensations appeared. As a rule, they are not caused by a man. He acted as an “alarm clock”, which raised already existing complexes, fears and inclinations from the depths of the subconscious. In other words, you should fight precisely with these psychological problems, and not with your partner.

Of course, further actions depend on what emotions the woman experiences. One needs to get rid of fears, another needs to get rid of the addiction to manic control, and the third needs to get rid of feelings of self-doubt.

This is a complete plan on how to get rid of emotional dependence on a man and not find yourself in it again. After all, as a rule, women make the same mistakes in their relationships with different men. Having experienced the pangs of parting with one person and having managed to meet a new love, ladies often fall into addiction again. The reason for this cyclicality is that they fought not with the causes of the phenomenon, but with its symptoms.

Strong attachment to a person: how to change a minus to a plus

Below are tips from Hal Shorey, Ph.D., who is a professor of clinical psychology at Widener University.

Write positive affirmations on cards.

An affirmation is a short positive statement, such as “I am attractive to girls” or “There are a lot of good people around me.” In the beginning, it doesn't matter whether you believe it or not.

If you're like many people, you've had a constant stream of negative thoughts running through your head for years. These pessimistic “tunes” play in the background like annoying chatter: “I’m a loser,” “All girls are the same,” “Love is suffering.”

• M+F 5 Misconceptions About Love Men Have to Get Rid of Some of them are toxic and unhealthy.

Often when you read cards with positive statements, you simply rewrite this “background music.”

If you don't believe this works, try to remember a time when you had a song from a stupid commercial playing in your head all day, even though you really didn't want to remember it. Has this ever happened? There is only one reason: repetition. Well, it's time to record a new jingle!

Become your own motivational coach

Many of us spend years uncontrollably criticizing ourselves or thinking negatively about others. When you do this, you reinforce negative, anxiety-producing pathways in your brain. Therefore, try to begin to be aware of these moments and stop the negative statements of your inner voice.

Practice telling yourself things like, “I can do this and everything will work out just fine,” “Happiness is just around the corner,” and “Tomorrow will be a great day.” Researchers have found that people who are optimistic about the future use positive self-talk when tackling challenging tasks.

• FAQs How to become an optimist: 10 tips to help you start enjoying life. Useful recommendations on how to change your way of thinking and tune in to the positive.

Learning to talk to yourself as a friend, rather than a subordinate who always gets everything wrong, will help not only change your attachment patterns, but also improve your overall psychological well-being.

Work with the mirror

Be warned, the next task from Dr. Shorey may sound a little strange. He suggests staying alone in a room, looking at yourself in the mirror, straight into your eyes, and saying as sincerely as possible: “I love you.”

As the psychologist recalls, when he did this for the first time, he could not keep a serious face or stop laughing. However, after some time, I began to say this with genuine sincerity and feel completely natural. Try it too!

Remember that your emotional system only accepts incoming data. She doesn't care where they come from. The main thing is that at this moment she recognizes that someone is looking at you and saying: “I love you.”

• Lifestyle How to accept and love yourself: a guide to caring for a cool guy named “you” Why lack of self-love is harmful and advice from psychologists to help you accept and value yourself.

People have a wide range of reactions to this task, and some of Shorey's clients have told him they could never bring themselves to do it. But he suggests looking at the situation this way: if it's pointless and stupid, then why is it so hard for you to do it? We promise we won't tell anyone.

How to understand that a woman is dependent on her partner and needs help?

The psychology of relationships between a man and a woman is full of ambiguities, the absence of common patterns and unified approaches to emerging problems. For example, how to distinguish a woman in love, who is at the very beginning of a relationship, from an addict? How do you understand where the line ends between the desire to get to know your partner and the loss of your own self?

Of course, women themselves almost never notice how their feelings for a man develop into dependence on him. However, the people around her, friends, and relatives may well see an emerging problem and help the woman understand and overcome it at the earliest stages.

Although each situation is unique, all women prone to addiction show a number of the same signs at the beginning of its formation. Psychologists list the following among them:

• inadequate reaction to criticism of a man, no matter what it concerns;
• quick and absolute falling in love, after a couple of weeks of dating the woman is ready to run down the aisle;
• the predominance in conversations of stories about how perfect and ideal a man is, delight in his every action or word;
• complete loss of objectivity, the girl seems to be “under the first impression”;
• increased attention to a man’s appearance, to his neatness - blowing off specks of dust, adjusting his collar, tie, cuffs, hair;
• the manner of staying slightly behind a partner, even if people are holding hands.

In other words, although the motives for typical manifestations of addiction are different, all women demonstrate these signs. Therefore, looking from the outside, it is not so difficult to understand that a lady is prone to pathology.

Why do we get attached and can’t get rid of it?

A person feels comfortable only when he has good relationships with other people. His mood depends on emotional connections with others. It `s naturally. But the lack of attachments and the inability to empathize is a mental disorder. Attachments are the basis of our lives, but we want to control them: choose the right people, calmly leave those with whom things don’t work out.

Sometimes you can't get rid of it. There are no irreplaceable people, but sometimes we become so attached to a person that it seems that without him life has no meaning. It's better to die than to be alone. And we forget about hundreds of other interesting people with whom we can also communicate with pleasure. And fear also arises: what if nothing works out again? After all, he was so ideal and beautiful, soul and body, there is no other like him. No one else is needed now.

Many people, when they become attached to a person, have the feeling that he is special. Then they get untied and don’t understand what they found in him. It is our imagination, as in fairy tales, that makes a knight out of a shepherd, and a princess out of a washerwoman. There is nothing wrong with painting a beautiful image of the object of affection in your head. But when a person cannot direct his imagination to anything or anyone other than the object of his affection, he becomes emotionally fixated.

You need to realize that it is your emotions that make attachment special. And then what really happened between you may not seem so significant if you look from the outside.

What can cause addiction to form?

Advice from psychologists on how to free yourself from love addiction to a man, as a rule, begins with an explanation of the need to identify the causes of the pathology that has arisen. It can, of course, only be determined individually.

The most common, main reasons for the tendency to depend on a partner, psychologists include the following:

• difficult childhood - difficulties in the family, authoritarian mother, father's alcoholism or something similar;
• parental divorce;
• inability to define the boundaries of personal space - this is caused by growing up in cramped conditions, in a common room;
• categoricalness and severity, a penchant for patterns - this is the legacy of a specific upbringing;
• presence of psychological trauma.

Mental trauma can occur in childhood, adolescence or adulthood. As a rule, it is associated with severe disappointment, betrayal or death.

How not to get attached to a guy in a relationship

To avoid a negative scenario and not become attached to a man, you should reconsider your perception of your partner. If the formula looks like “I am you, you are me,” then it becomes clear that both individuals are subject to pressure from each other. Personal space for everyone is an inviolable territory.

Love yourself a little more than your partner, try to find and develop the best qualities in yourself. Take breaks in relationships: forced separations are beneficial. Do not throw yourself on the neck of the first person you meet - after the “fateful” meeting, enough time should pass to understand the person.

What is the point of keeping a diary?

This question arises for most Russian women. Women in the West are accustomed to keeping a diary; it is an integral part of their childhood and youth. In Russia there is no such mass tradition.

Meanwhile, keeping a diary is extremely useful. Describing events, thoughts, and sensations that have occurred, a person experiences them again, but this time meaningfully. That is, a woman, taking notes, is aware of her feelings and reactions. In addition, the diary allows you to compare emotions in relationships at different time periods.

Become an ideal partner

So how to learn to behave correctly? What to do to ensure peace and harmony reign in relationships? Here are some tips:

• Be financially independent. You must have your own source of income. Even if you live happily ever after and die on the same day, and this source is not useful for independent survival, it will always remind you of freedom of choice. Your man will always know that you stay with him because you yourself want it, and not because otherwise you will die of hunger.
• You should not only have work, hobbies and friends in common. And what will be left for you in the event of a breakup? Donut hole?
• Always learn. No, I don’t encourage you to get three higher education degrees and a doctorate (although that’s probably not bad either). But it is simply necessary to develop, to learn something new in various industries, from cooking and interior design to the latest developments in nuclear physics and genetic engineering, so as not to turn into a whore, whose whole world comes down to TV series, manicure, knitting blouses, cooking borscht and meeting my husband from work in a starched apron.

How to define boundaries? What do we mean by this?

Many people are familiar with the concept of an office in the house. The presence of such a room is known from films, books, and someone has encountered a similar room in life. What is its essence? The fact that a person is left alone there is his space.

You need to create something like an office for yourself. Select a corner or room in the apartment that no one will enter. There is no need to combine your space with the kitchen or bathroom. It should strengthen self-esteem, and not be something “incidental”.

The interior in this space should be filled with objects related to the woman’s hobbies and interests. These could be books, porcelain dolls, photographic equipment, drawing supplies - anything. And as soon as a feeling of panic, misunderstanding, fear or other negativity arises, you need to start tidying up your space.

This is a very old and effective way to combat addiction to a man, practiced in East Asia.

As for personal boundaries, this is the definition of your zone of responsibility and comfort, into which a man should not be allowed. For example, you can decide for yourself what breakfast or lunch will be like. You can arrange a mini-garden on your balcony on your own and not consult a man when determining plant varieties. However, you need to understand that making independent decisions is not synonymous with selfishness.

To become free – and therefore needed

In Lewis Carroll’s brilliant book “Alice Through the Looking Glass,” the Queen tells Alice: “... you have to run as fast as you can just to stay in the same place! If you want to get to another place, then you need to run at least twice as fast!”

So, in order to simply remain an interesting woman, and not just an addition to your husband and the stove, you need to constantly “pump up” yourself physically, mentally, spiritually, and socially. This will help you avoid becoming a vague and uninteresting gray biomass. To not just stay, but to become better, you need to put in a lot more effort.

Take care of your body, go to exhibitions and the theater, read books, both fiction and specialized literature. If you can't learn from books, take courses in person or virtually. For example, the Universarium project offers a huge number of free courses and open lectures - from astronomy and chemistry to philology and cooking.

And only by becoming free, independent and interesting to yourself and those around you, do you have a chance to be close to the man of your dreams. Precisely because he wants to be with you, and you don’t hang on him and don’t let him take a step.

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How to find time for yourself?

This is not about visiting a cosmetologist or going to the gym. Time for yourself – a few tens of minutes a day, spent completely alone.

At these moments, you can try to meditate, do breathing exercises, paint a watercolor landscape, think about the book you read. In other words, this time should be devoted to self-development and peace and harmony.

It's important to find a gap in your daily routine that you can stick to consistently.

Analysis and self-exploration

By looking carefully inside yourself, you can see the source and the place that allows you to receive pleasure .

Ask these questions right now in relation to your loved one, car or apartment.

Imagine this object or person and ask yourself:

1. What will happen if this person is not there? Will I worry, suffer and be afraid of this?
2. Why will I worry? Why am I afraid of losing this in my life?

The answer is the fear of losing comfort, pleasure, fear of not feeling loved and becoming lonely . This is the fear of stopping receiving the pleasures that we now receive with this person.

This happens because if we are deprived of all this externality, we will not feel so good. Our mood will fall because we are internally looking for sources of pleasure.

This happens because our society does not take care of itself. Our society has other trends, other fashions. People live by money, live by the idea of ​​fame, popularity, security, but all this does not bring happiness, does not bring independence and peace. This does not give anything most important to a person. And at the level of feelings, all this results in inner emptiness, depression, addiction, worries, fears of losing. A hasty search begins for a way to help get rid of attachment to a person or object.

Set your boundaries

No one knows you better than you, so decide what you need to avoid attachment. See each other no more than once a week? Distract yourself with work and hobbies? Prevent frank conversations or physical intimacy? Set boundaries that will help you maintain your independence from the very beginning of your interactions, before you begin to experience more difficult feelings.

It is important not only to define the rules of your relationship yourself, but also to strictly observe them. This way you will save yourself from unnecessary disappointments.

Don't follow him on social media

In order not to get used to the guy ahead of time, you will have to overcome the biggest temptation - Internet stalking. A page on social networks can tell a lot about a person, but if you spend several hours on it, studying every photo and all the friends on his list, you will begin to become attached to the guy as quickly as during personal meetings.

Manifestation of emotional dependence

If a woman is under the influence of emotions, then being with the chosen man, she finds peace and emotional stability. If the object of adoration cannot be nearby, the state of dependence is accompanied by anxiety and suffering. By becoming dependent on men on an emotional level, women hope for understanding and support from them.

But often this is not appreciated by a man, but, on the contrary, causes disrespect and complete ignorance on his part. Emotional attachment is more common in girls with a weak background of emotions. They are able to take everything to heart, without taking into account the male point of view in the current situation.

Falling into the trap of addiction, women commit rash acts, they are ready to fulfill any wishes of men, do not have their own point of view and are sure that if this man leaves, they will not be able to live further. Pathological attachment of the emotional type is dangerous for a person’s mental state. Dependence manifests itself in a complete rejection of the joys of life and an extremely high perception of another person, which is not true for relationships and one’s own psychological instability.

Emotional attachment manifests itself both in complete denial of oneself and in extremely high idealization of the chosen object. Another person completely occupies all personal space, and one’s own personality comes in last place, which is fundamentally wrong. Under the influence of addiction and emotions, girls are constantly in an anxious and apathetic state, with the inability to think about anything other than their object of adoration.

Psychological attachment of a man to a woman

Watch the video “Neurotic relationships, overcoming addiction, dependence on relationships - the solution.”
Emotional attachment is a state when a man singles out one woman among many others, shares his most secret things with her. To understand the true attitude, you should pay more attention not to words, but to actions . There are certain signs by which you can recognize whether a man has an emotional attachment to a woman.

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Signs

1. The desire to spend all your free time with her. Even when there are alternative options: communication with friends, hobbies, personal matters.

2. Calls and correspondence. They may also indicate emotional dependence. A man focuses on what is most important, and if he feels the need to always be in touch, it means that the woman is important to him, and he thinks about her.

3. Trying to impress, doing more for her than for others.

4. Getting to know your social circle. If a man decides to introduce a woman to his family and friends, then she is an important part of his life.

5. Shares your weaknesses. You can only tell about this to a really close person whom you trust infinitely.

6. He admires and is proud of his woman and does not hesitate to appear with her in the circle of people who are significant to him.

7. Does not shy away from small quarrels and showdowns. It is really important for him to understand and solve the problem.

8. He is interested in a woman’s opinion in resolving any of his issues.

9. Tries to please the woman’s social circle, realizing that these are people who are important to her.

10. Talking about the future does not make a man uncomfortable, and he does not avoid it.

11. Feels comfortable and relaxed around a woman.

12. Reveals his secrets and is not afraid to trust, tells details about himself that few know about.

13. He tries and works to make the woman happy.

14. Can make small sacrifices and concessions.

Causes

A person lives in society and constantly interacts with someone. Sympathy, love and other strong emotions cause attachment. It’s impossible to imagine a relationship without her, but sometimes she hurts. There are two types of attachment:

• household
• psychological.

The first arises against the background of living together or spending time together and is due to convenience. People get used to each other, do not want to change their way of life and adapt again.

For psychological attachment to appear, a positive or negative attitude towards a person is necessary. It does not arise against a background of indifference.

Emotional attachment is formed in the first year of life . If at this age a child does not receive love and care from his parents, then he will look for these feelings for the rest of his life. Lack of affection in childhood leads to the fact that a person begins to project the role of parents onto his partner and experiences a feeling of childish dependence towards him.

Healthy attachment inevitably arises in relation to loved ones . It does not carry destructive emotions and does not cause discomfort. Painful attachment, on the contrary, causes negative feelings. It resembles addiction to drugs or alcohol.

Psychological attachment is formed as a habit . People spend a lot of time together, have common interests and enjoy communication. Usually this is a long process, but there are times when affection arises spontaneously and is similar to love at first sight. This is facilitated by a special emotional state, hormonal levels and psychological mood.

Strong attachment is normal for the candy-bouquet period of a relationship . Partners produce dopamine and endorphin, which makes them want to spend as much time as possible together. Gradually, emotions cool down, and each person continues to lead an independent life while in a couple.

In relationships where positive emotions are replaced by negative ones, attachment arises faster. The longer the contact, the stronger the dependence on the person. In people with a developed will, painful attachment takes longer to form or does not form at all.

The following general causes of addiction can be identified:

1. Early death of parents. There is a desire to find a replacement for them in other people, to surround yourself with care. The qualities of a close relative are projected onto any person who shows interest and provides help.
2. Childhood trauma and the desire to feel protected with the help of a partner.
3. Low self-esteem. A person does not imagine himself as an independent unit of society and considers life only possible in a pair with a stronger and brighter personality.
4. Infantilism. Reluctance to take responsibility for actions pushes you to look for someone who can take on this function.
5. Inexperience. The feeling of attachment is clearly manifested in the first serious relationship. A person who does not have much experience communicating with the opposite sex begins to experience emotional dependence on his partner.

Between lovers, affection arises for natural reasons and does not cause discomfort. Addiction appears against the background of psychological problems and brings only negative emotions. It does not help strengthen relationships and can destroy a person’s life.

How to get rid of attachment

Emotional attachment is not a bad thing, but there are situations when this attachment is inappropriate and a man needs to break it off. What to do in this situation?

First, you need to subconsciously determine for yourself that you are two different people, not one whole, and can easily exist on your own.

You can imagine your connection, visualize it and clearly see and realize how it broke. Set a final point for yourself, knowing that it will be bad, but you just have to get through it.

It is important to start perceiving yourself , not you . Understand that you, as an individual, have gone through a certain lesson and learned the most useful things from it.

It is necessary to minimize meetings, calls, correspondence. Start paying more attention to yourself, your friends and your family. Surely you had a lot of things to do while you were passionate and attached to a woman.

Take up a career, set yourself a goal, and go towards it, realizing that life is not limited to the interests of another person to whom you are emotionally attached.

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You can go in for sports. This will be useful for physical health, for raising self-esteem and for improving emotional well-being.

Find something to do that will give you new impressions and emotions.

You should not try to immediately find a replacement in the form of another woman; as a rule, this does not lead to anything good, and you do not perceive her as a separate person, but are simply trying to fill her emptiness.

In a relationship, you always need to adequately assess the situation, look at things soberly and, above all, respect yourself, your interests and desires. Don't forget about yourself as an individual when you start to get attached to someone.

Signs of addiction

A girl’s attachment to her chosen one often finds its explanation in early childhood. It has been proven that infants between the ages of birth and one and a half years, who did not receive enough attention and love from their mother and father during this period, are most often subject to pathological attachment to their partners. Such girls, on a subconscious level, have a desire to be loved and needed by someone at any cost, even to the detriment of themselves.

Pathological attachment of the emotional type is manifested by the following signs:

• depression, emptiness, apathy;
• inability to soberly assess the situation;
• idealization of a loved one;
• simultaneous love and hatred for your partner;
• constant thoughts about the object of adoration;
• loss of connections and interest in friends and relatives.

The development of dependence against a background of emotions occurs when a man is unable to reciprocate a woman’s feelings or is unable to satisfy her needs. A lack of resources and emotions from a man leads a woman into a state of neurotic character with a persistent emotional attachment, due to which she is fixated on only one object and problem.

Being under the influence of negative emotions and being in an excited mental state, the girl becomes unresponsive to the man’s requests and completely loses control over what is happening. During such a period, a woman can easily be confused, which is what philanderers and swindlers take advantage of. While in a state of dependence, you should not delay and take the relationship to the second level, partially satisfying your needs, then the woman will not consider herself dependent on the man and over time will be completely freed from this state.

Getting rid of addiction to a man

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How to get out of an addictive relationship with a man? First of all, the initiative should come from the girl herself. Without her desire it is almost impossible to do this. The following treatment methods are available:

• The realization that such a relationship will have no future. After the euphoria passes, only everyday quarrels and problems will remain between the partners;
• To overcome abnormal feelings, you need to try to find another person who evokes sympathy and direct energy towards him;
• Less romanticism, more realism. Communication with people who are not subject to love passions helps to find peace of mind;
• Look soberly at your partner’s shortcomings, understand that he is not an ideal being, but an ordinary person;
• You can free yourself from addiction by throwing yourself into work and physical training;
• Direct your energy in a different direction, stop constantly thinking about him. Hobbies and constant practice of self-development help to overcome attachment.

What is emotional slavery

Emotional slavery in relationships arises quite simply. At first, a woman feels admiration from her partner - he looks after her beautifully, gives flowers, and gives compliments.

After the relationship has taken root and the main passion has passed, the woman feels uncomfortable that the compliments and attentions have ended. The girl tries to do something, but does not receive approval. This leads to even greater despondency and complexes.

More and more often, questions arise in a girl’s head: “What if he doesn’t love me?” "What if he has another one." This relationship can be saved and preserved if the woman stops focusing on the approval of her chosen one.

Important! A man can also relieve a woman of her cravings. You can't always encourage your partner like a little child. However, one should not ridicule failures; this will lead to even greater complexes.