Very bad mothers. “Bad mom” syndrome - what kind of syndrome is this? Why many mothers are tormented by guilt towards their children and how to deal with this illness, we will find out in this article.
Almost every mother sooner or later experiences a moment when the joy of parenthood is mixed with a gnawing sense of guilt in front of her own child.
This feeling of dissatisfaction with oneself as a parent, awareness of one’s own imperfection, the “bad mother” complex visits almost all mothers who work or stay at home with children. How to apply the rule of 10,000 hours on maternity leave or the time of a dream come true
What is the root of evil?
A working woman gnaws at herself because, for the sake of money, career or other reasons, she left her children in the care of a nanny, kindergarten or grandmother. It seems to her that she, like a cuckoo, gave birth and abandoned her child to the mercy of fate. Thinking this way, she tries to calm her own conscience by giving her children toys, sweets and other joys of children’s life that can be bought with money.
However, this technique does not always work, and conscience persistently does not want to leave her alone. Many grandparents love their grandchildren so madly and spoil them at every opportunity precisely because they feel guilty for having once neglected their children.
With working mothers everything is clear. But why does this nasty feeling of guilt not leave those parents who raise their children themselves? The fact is that many women who have the opportunity to give their children a family education at an early age or at an older age suffer from excessive perfectionism. Negative energy of unfinished business
This is due to the fact that in our society there is an unsightly stereotype of a housewife. It is believed that if a woman works only as a mother and wife, she must turn into a narrow-minded slob in curlers and a mended robe, interested exclusively in TV series and gatherings on women’s forums on cooking and home economics.
Afraid of living up to this stereotype, mothers put a lot of effort into looking good. They study modern methods of early development, rush with their kids to developmental centers, swimming pools, dances, etc., study with them at home, take them for walks twice a day.
At the same time, such women try to prepare three to five dishes every day in order to please the tastes of all family members, and also keep the house in perfect order. However, with such a shock work regime, the nervous system often cannot withstand it. A woman forgets about her own needs, lashes out at her children, and does not pay enough attention to her husband. After another breakdown, she feels guilty again and again.
Why did our grandmothers, for example, not feel guilty before their own children for sending them to a nursery from the age of two months, since that was how long maternity leave lasted at that time? The most beautiful mother: why take care of yourself while on maternity leave
And the generation of our parents sent us to a nursery from the age of one or two and also did not feel guilty about anything towards us. The whole difference is that then the information field surrounding the woman consisted of a maximum of two neighbors and an old grandmother. Plus some other work colleagues who have the same limited range of information sources.
Now, thanks to the media (television, specialized magazines, the Internet), the information field of women is enormous. Naturally, faced willy-nilly with such a volume of information, comparing herself with thousands of other mothers who have succeeded in some areas of life, a woman realizes that her capabilities are limited.
She does the first, second and third with her child, and other mothers, it turns out, manage to do the fourth, fifth and tenth. A woman has an ideal picture of a “good mother.” And when this picture collides with her real possibilities, a spark flares up, igniting dissatisfaction with herself. Dissatisfaction with oneself gradually increases, and along with it a feeling of guilt is cultivated, and the “bad mother” syndrome arises. Practicing minimalism with children: simplifying life
Why do I feel guilty?
Last year, when I was thinking about a post about maternal self-blame, I decided to write down everything I felt guilty about. Here is my list, which has grown greatly over the years:
- I didn't take folic acid for the first seven weeks of pregnancy because I didn't know I was pregnant.
- I should have bought premium prenatal vitamins instead of sticking with budget ones.
- In the third trimester, I worked my ass off at work and probably caused irreparable damage to baby Henry.
- I had to give birth without anesthesia. I drugged my child.
- I stopped breastfeeding too early and did not protect Henry from illness.
- I was angry with Henry when he cried all the time in the first months. What kind of mother would scream at a crying baby?
- I was in a hurry to go to work. Is it possible to voluntarily choose a career over your baby?
- I don't do much with him when I'm at home. He's bored with me.
- I myself am bored when I sit at home with the children. I'm a terrible person.
- I scream too much. I don't have enough patience.
- I feel like I “betrayed” Henry by having my second child. Now he has ceased to be the Whole World for me.
- During my second pregnancy, I completely forgot about vitamins.
- She also periodically allowed herself a glass of wine, although pregnant women are advised to abstain from alcohol. Of course, I didn’t drink myself into oblivion, but if something was wrong with my child, everyone would immediately understand why.
- I dreamed of a girl, which is why the second birth was so difficult. I deserve it.
- I didn't take Jude to any enrichment classes. Henry got massages and band the first year. I didn't bother with Jude.
- I spend too much time on the Internet.
- I rarely cook healthy food. We eat too many processed foods.
- Henry eats too many sweets and his teeth get damaged.
- We don't have a beautiful garden. I deprived the boys of their childhood by placing them in the urban jungle.
- I buy shoes in regular stores and thereby condemn my sons to flat feet and other foot problems.
- I left a crying Henry in the manger, and now he knows that his mother is a big liar, because I promised never to leave him.
- I often wish that the time from five in the evening until I went to bed would simply disappear from my life. Sometimes I want it to happen as early as eleven in the morning. I don't value time spent with children.
- I am never a Fun Mom. I don't bake, sculpt or paint a lot. I'm boring and sad.
When I started re-reading my list, it, of course, shocked me. Some points seem ridiculously stupid, and this makes it completely sad.
Is there a way out?
In healthy doses, guilt, like everything else in life, can be very beneficial. It is a kind of engine that pushes a woman forward, does not allow her to stop developing, and stimulates interest in new areas of life, in self-realization. The main thing is to find that middle ground that will allow you to stay afloat and not slide into the abyss of depression or, even worse, psychosis. Then you will need qualified help from a psychologist and psychiatrist.
Of course, there is no clear algorithm for how to avoid feeling guilty in front of a child. Children are all different. The character, mental and physical characteristics, living conditions, age of the child - all this has a significant impact on how the mother should behave with him, how to raise him and how much time to devote to him.
A little about working mothers with children under 3 years old
Well, based on the comments on Instagram, I will say: I am against nurseries and full-time nannies for children under 3 years old. Only if the family is dying of hunger and only the mother can work. Here, yes, when you have nothing to pay the utilities, the task is simply to survive. Stage 1-2 of Maslow's pyramid. I personally welcome part-time work as a mother. It's up to your discretion.
Don’t even write about upbringing in Europe (I’m talking about nurseries from 3 months old)… As a psychologist, I cannot support this. The same goes for working mothers with babies. Situations are different, and if you are raising a child without a husband and working, this is one thing. But if you have a husband... Pardon me, what does he do? Are you a keeper of the hearth, a wife, a mother, cleaning a cave, and in the evening you will also go to see a mammoth? Why do you need so much responsibility in life, girls? What do you think?
About the fear of “being bad”
Mothers' feelings of guilt are the most common reason for turning to a psychologist, especially mothers of preschoolers. After the child goes to school, in the minds of mothers, the responsibility for upbringing is slightly shared with teachers.
The main fear that torments mothers is that they are doing something wrong. For example, they develop the child too little, or, conversely, too much. They are tormented by questions about whether to send their baby to kindergarten or not. In a word, they are afraid of becoming a “bad mother” for their child. And it is this fear that lies behind the feeling of guilt. It is most often found in those mothers who believe that their mothers raised them incorrectly.
When popular psychology became very fashionable, the idea began to circulate among people - all the problems from childhood. So who is to blame? Mother! Everyone really likes this theory and it works well as long as you don't have children. But when children appear, the world seems to tell you - come on, go, show your class.
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Freeing your child from frequent self-recrimination
Parents should know what to do if their child feels guilty. To raise a harmonious personality in a child, do not instill feelings of guilt. Avoid public accusations - correct mistakes only at home, one-on-one.
Avoid evaluative statements: “You are a slob, you are bad.” It’s better to replace it with “I feel embarrassed, I should have acted differently here, showed responsibility.”
Do not force the child to formally ask for forgiveness, focus on how to resolve the situation.
And avoid feelings of guilt yourself - leave only responsibility.
About fear of mistakes
Another huge fear for parents is to cause psychological trauma to their child. But let's think - any development comes through difficulties. It turns out that if we don’t give a child any difficulties, we don’t develop him at all. It is necessary to give such difficulties that will be surmountable for him. But they must be! Lev Vygotsky spoke about this , and Julia Gippenreiter .
It's like learning to ride a bike. If you want to teach someone to ride, you should be there. It’s wrong to sit on the sidelines and shout: “Don’t you know how to ride a bike?!” You need to support the steering wheel, explain how to turn the pedals, hold it and slowly release it. But it is also wrong to climb on this bike and ride it yourself. This is not studying.
The feeling of guilt among modern mothers is not accidental, because they are asking to be aware. Don’t blindly use one piece of advice, but delve into each situation and understand it. All this is possible. In the end, children will still grow up whether you make mistakes or not. And, as they say, every child will find something to complain about to the psychoanalyst about his mother. Not because there is any fault, but there is a cause-and-effect relationship for everything. When a child comes to a psychologist, he will still complain about something. So don't be afraid to make mistakes.
I understand all this, but sometimes I still scream. What to do?
Remember that the child is a person, and your cry is very unpleasant for him. Remember when you felt okay after someone yelled at you? Probably never? Why then is it generally accepted that a child “will forget everything very quickly and continue to live as if nothing had happened”? Even if he is easy-going or simply too small, this does not mean that he was not scared, hurt and offended because you yelled at him.
So, first of all, make it a rule not to pretend that nothing happened. Don’t come from a position of strength - it’s obvious that the one who lost his temper was so weak that he couldn’t come up with anything better.
There are no perfect parents - sometimes we all yell at our children!
Of course, a screaming fit can happen to any parent, even the calmest one. The main thing is that in such situations the parent understands that the situation is out of control, and screaming itself cannot and should not be considered a method of education - there are studies that suggest that raising your voice on a child has about the same effect as spanking : This is humiliating and can provoke the development of psychological problems on both sides of the conflict.
Screaming causes fear in a child and forces him to turn on defensive reactions - fight, run or freeze. For example, when you yell at a child who normally behaves calmly and reasonably, you may suddenly see him attacking you, which he never does in a calm state. This release of aggression is directed at you in order to stop a situation that is undesirable for the child. Any strong reaction is stress. And repeated stress caused by verbal punishment leads to the development of anxiety, increases the risk of depression in youth and increases the likelihood of aggression and violence.
About actions “in goodness”
So what to do? There is an exit. Vedic psychology is in fashion now. I will use her terminology. There are actions - “in ignorance”, “in passion”, “in goodness”.
When there was no information at all on how to raise children, parents raised them “in ignorance,” intuitively. Then, when some information began to reach the mothers, they began to passionately follow it. For example, they took the idea from Spock - “don’t spoil it.” Although there are actually a lot of modern ideas and very good ones. But for some reason, Soviet mothers took exactly this. The following ones were inspired by the idea - we need to “love” the child so that, God forbid, he does not feel offended. And the way out, in my opinion, is in the third option - in actions “in goodness”, in order to use knowledge and apply it here and now. Observe and think whether they are relevant at this moment or not. Because there is no answer to the question: “Should I punish my child or not?” No general advice. You must always consider specific situations. Approach wisely, test reality. If a child is hungry, something hurts, or he didn’t get enough sleep and is hysterical, then what’s the point in raising him? You feed him, or give him the opportunity to sleep, cure him. His hysteria is not due to bad manners or spoiling, but due to objective reasons.
And if the child is clearly full, nothing hurts, he got enough sleep, but he throws a tantrum out of nowhere? For example, in a store with a demand to buy him something. Here you need to define the boundary - what you should do and what you shouldn’t do. Apply a system of rewards and punishments. But it is also possible that some qualities are already inherent in his character. Therefore, the time has come for parents to take off their crown and stop believing that everything depends solely on them. You need to act according to the situation, use knowledge, but do not expect that 100% it will turn out to be the product you dreamed of.
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How to get rid of the feeling of guilt towards your child forever?
In fact, there are many ways to ensure that your child constantly feels your love and care without you feeling guilty. Below are very simple examples of how you can get rid of guilt without much effort.
Observe your child's interests and hobbies
If your child loves to draw, buy him new paints, markers, and an album. If you like to sculpt, use fresh plasticine, and if you are interested in dinosaurs, go to an exhibition or buy a magazine with stickers. This way the child will feel that you do not forget about him.
When you're together, make it a game
For example, cook breakfast together. For you this may be a common occurrence, but for the child it will be like a game and a pleasant time with you. Entrust your child with a job he can do: mix the dough for pancakes or beat eggs with a blender for an omelet. You can also put things in order together, do exercises, water flowers and go shopping.
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All this is also a game for a child. The main thing is to do it with pleasure.
But I can't help it!
Actually you can! Usually we scream in a situation of danger (there is a version that such a scream is acceptable, for example, when you want to stop a child running towards the roadway), when we lose patience or experience discomfort.
For many of us, screaming is the first, unconscious reaction to a child’s unwanted behavior, simply because it is a behavioral pattern to which we are accustomed, it is easier for us to use it, because the solution lies on the surface, we do not need to look for it and specifically think about it . Of course, it is difficult to fight a habit, but it is possible - armed with knowledge and the desire to begin to analyze ourselves and our behavior, we can gradually learn to react differently to situations that cause us rejection. Some advise adding the following life hack to the desire to work on yourself: raising your voice at the child, imagine that a person has entered the room whose opinion about yourself and your behavior you greatly respect, the one to whom you would like to show your best side (just let it it won’t be your mother!), then you will see that “I can’t control myself” is most often self-deception, and you are simply taking advantage of the fact that the child is smaller, weaker and more defenseless than you. It's an unpleasant discovery, but if you make it, it will be easier for you to keep moving forward.
Also, as you monitor your reactions (at first this may happen after the fact), think about what exactly made you want to raise your voice. In very, very many cases, you will begin to notice that the child was not the real cause - often the cry is the result of extreme emotional exhaustion, fatigue, headache, physical illness, troubles at work, or simply a bad day. This is why it is so important for parents to restore their resources - you yourself know that the better you feel physically and psychologically, the higher the likelihood that you will be able to solve even difficult situations with your child without raising your voice.
