Perfectionism is an excessive and often unnecessary desire for perfection. People prone to perfectionism try to do everything “perfectly” and show increased attention to detail.
Here are some examples of perfectionism:
- A housewife spends an hour cutting vegetables for salad into equal cubes. The salad will be eaten by the household in 10 minutes.
- Before sending an article to the editor, a journalist spends half an hour adjusting fonts and indents in a text file. The appearance of the article in the journal itself does not depend on it.
- An aspiring entrepreneur spends a week selecting a suitable design for his business card. He turns to freelancers and agencies, but all the options they offer do not suit him.
Perfectionists think that if the work is not done “perfectly,” then it has no right to exist. That’s why they constantly doubt its quality and look for flaws in it.
Sometimes a person directs his perfectionism not at himself, but at those around him: employees, colleagues, loved ones. He demands the same “perfection” from them and this causes them a lot of trouble.
What psychologists consider normal and what pathology
Normally, healthy perfectionism is necessarily present in people who are leaders. Such people usually have not only high intelligence, the ability to plan their work and set priorities correctly, but also excellent performance.
Pathological manifestations clearly appear in people who are unable to see the good in themselves. The pursuit of ideality becomes an obsession for them throughout their lives.
The danger of perfectionism lies in the fact that people set themselves obviously unattainable goals. Subsequently, this brings them disappointment and suffering, both mental and physical. Developing into some kind of disease, against the backdrop of constant stress.
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Reasons for development
Psychologists call the authoritarian type of upbringing the root cause of perfectionism. Some parents have very high demands on their children. Everything must be perfect. Appearance, studies, behavior and even thoughts are strictly controlled by domineering and pretentious parents. Children, trying to meet all the above criteria, ultimately still fall short of the super ideal. And even in adulthood, many people are perfectionists and are under complete control of their parents. All this entails self-doubt and mood swings, which, by adulthood, can develop into depression.
Another reason for the emergence of perfectionism, scientists call genetic predisposition. Scientists from Michigan, who conducted a series of experiments, identified some signs of the genetic series that influence the formation of perfection traits in a person. However, expert opinions on the emergence of perfectionism vary. Therefore, it makes no sense to talk about how much this or that factor influenced in this particular case.
Perfectionism, in its pathological manifestation, is a destructive destructive force that can ruin the life and health of any person. People feel helpless and unable to cope with problems. Being a perfectionist is not a compliment, but a serious problem.
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Is perfectionism always bad?
The term “perfectionism” itself is derived from the word perfection, which means “perfection” in English and French. Initially, this concept did not contain negative connotations. For example, in philosophy, perfectionists are those who see the meaning of life in self-improvement.
However, in psychology, too, everything is not so simple. Some modern psychologists divide perfectionism into “healthy” and “unhealthy”. The first refers to the completely natural human desire for high results and high-quality work. There is, of course, nothing wrong with such perfectionism.
In contrast, unhealthy perfectionism is an irrational and unreasonable desire for perfection that causes serious damage to a person's plans. For example, he plans to take up running, but instead of just starting running, he spends months choosing sneakers, a tracksuit, and a training program.
Complete disappointment
Women who are perfectionists never skip diets, don’t skip fitness classes, and aren’t lazy about putting on makeup every morning. This requires a colossal amount of energy and mental strength. Not all diets are beneficial for the body, and the stress resulting from the desire to be the best can quickly lead to insomnia and nervous exhaustion.
The situation is aggravated by the fact that individuals obsessed with the idea of doing everything “perfectly” are irreconcilable with both their own and others’ mistakes and shortcomings. They are constantly disappointed in people, and then in life. All this ultimately leads to problems in interpersonal relationships, constant dissatisfaction with oneself, and sometimes to neuroses.
And finally, the perfectionist is firmly convinced that success or failure depends solely on himself. He rejects offers of help, denies the role of chance or the influence of other people. If it happens that, despite all efforts, our hero does not achieve success, depression, loss of interest in life and a nervous breakdown are possible.
How to deal with perfectionism
The following recommendations are most often given regarding the fight against perfectionism:
- If you are prone to perfectionism, admit it. If you constantly remember this problem, it will be easier for you to prevent “attacks of perfectionism” and stop in time if they suddenly start.
- Highlight things on your list that you don’t need to do “at a high level.” Many tasks do not require “sanding” and “polishing”: they just need to be done and that’s it. For example: dust the table, answer an email, buy groceries. And some things are not so important that you need to pay much attention to them.
- Before you start a task, think: what do you need to do for it to be considered completed? Try not to go beyond the intended criteria.
- Set deadlines. When starting a task, write down a deadline for completing it and try to meet it. Deadlines force us to monitor the speed of our work and prevent us from getting bogged down in details.
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Fear of failure
Atychiphobia is an intense fear of failure. For people with phobias and high levels of anxiety, just the thought of failure causes nausea and dizziness. They sweat, their heart rate increases; they stop thinking clearly and speaking coherently, lose control of themselves and even suffer from real panic attacks. They strive to avoid failure by any means necessary. However, they often understand that their uncontrollable fear has little basis, since the cause of the phobia rarely poses a real threat.
Perfectionists often think that they are moving towards their goal, when in reality they are doing everything to avoid facing their greatest fear.
Even if not all symptoms of mental deviation appear, most perfectionists are still susceptible to atychiphobia to one degree or another. Perfectionists (and many people with perfectionistic tendencies) equate failure with a catastrophe, a natural disaster that must be avoided at all costs. In fact, mistakes can be the road to discovery.
Perfectionists often think they are working towards their goals, when in reality they are doing everything to avoid facing their greatest fear: messing up and letting others watch them “fail.” However, what was considered a failure can turn into a great victory. Have you watched the cartoon "Toy Story"? This Oscar-winning film and many others like it would not have appeared if not for one failure. After his high-profile dismissal from Apple, the company he created, Steve Jobs bought the animation studio and turned it into the famous Pixar Animation Studios. Since then, Pixar has produced 40 feature films, won 27 Oscars and earned more than eight billion dollars, including $1 billion for Toy Story 3.
The best - or none
Actually, there is one plus: perfectionism forces a person to study, work, train “through not wanting” - in general, not to stand still. Most of the outstanding athletes, artists, and scientists possessed this quality, and it was this that allowed them to achieve success in their activities. Alexander the Great dreamed of conquering the whole world - and who knows, if not for his death at 32, what would the political map look like now?
The prototype of the main character of the film “The Devil Wears Prada” is Anna Wintour, editor-in-chief of the American edition of Vogue magazine, who is recognized as one of the most influential figures in the world of modern fashion. Striving to achieve perfection in everything, she also became famous for her extremely tough leadership style. Ulyana Lopatkina, a famous ballerina, on the day of her performance, always dances her part from start to finish at rehearsal, without giving herself any concessions.
But you have to pay for everything: Lopatkina more than once lay on the operating table, treating injured legs and back, and Anna Wintour just can’t improve her personal life.
Problems and consequences
- Perfectionists constantly suffer from internal conflicts and anxiety. They do not forgive themselves for minor mistakes.
- Obsessed with approval. Having received an excellent assessment from society, a perfectionist will strive for it by any means necessary.
- A person does not enjoy life, does not notice pleasant little things. Good relationships with loved ones and friendly connections fade into the background.
- Mistakes cause stress. A perfectionist lives in tension and does not allow himself to relax.
- He overworks, so he gets sick easily. May suffer from cardiovascular disease due to exhaustion.
Perfectionists often raise their children in the same way. They lay the groundwork for complexes, fears and neuroticism at an early age.
Overcome stress
Have you ever noticed that when you're stressed, you can't think as clearly as usual? This happens because chronic stress literally shrinks our hippocampus, the part of the brain that is responsible for processing certain information. What's the result? I don't remember (just kidding). Seriously, high levels of stress can reduce your ability to solve problems, concentrate, and feel motivated. That's not all! Stress can lead to weight gain. Stress hormones contribute to an increase in fat in the abdominal area. Let's face it: when we're stressed, we don't make the best nutritional choices. How many of you reach for fresh lettuce leaves when you're worried about an upcoming important exam or a threatening deadline? Most people prefer chips or cookies, and not just one or two, but a lot. Suddenly the whole pack turns out to be empty. Stress is bad for relationships. I don't know about you, but I tend to be less than kind and understanding when I'm feeling overly busy. Sometimes I don't want to be around myself. I can imagine how my family feels!
One of the fastest ways to reduce stress is to breathe deeply , connecting the diaphragm
On the opposite side are passion-based stress responses. It is correct to call this eustress. Eustress is positive energy that makes you want to change for the better. Instead of frightening you about what might happen, eustress evokes the ability to withstand difficulties, joyful excitement, a feeling of motivation, encouragement, and enthusiasm. Eustress helps you solve problems, think and act innovatively, and overcome obstacles despite any kind of opposition or skepticism from others. Eustress manifests itself in determination, perseverance and courage. Examples of eustress include learning something new and interesting, becoming romantically involved with someone you really like, starting a business that you are passionate about, overcoming a challenge that means a lot to you, watching a scary movie (for some), sports, preparing for an exciting event, developing new abilities and talents, helping other people.
Food can also have a significant impact on stress levels. Too much sugar or caffeine can make it worse, as can dehydration. Convenience foods are high in fat, sugar and salt, which increase levels of the stress hormone cortisol. So choose fresh, whole foods that are rich in nutrients: protein, carbohydrates and healthy fats.
One of the fastest ways to reduce stress is to breathe deeply, engaging your diaphragm. It may seem too easy to be true, but it's not. Deep breathing activates the hypothalamus, which slows down stress hormones and relaxes the body. So the next time you feel stressed, take five deep breaths from your diaphragm.
Passion instead of fear
What drives you more - fear or passion? In other words, what motivates you more: the desire to reduce a fearful outcome or the desire to increase a favorable outcome? If you were asked to speak in front of a couple of hundred people, what would probably come to mind: “I need to try not to mess anything up so I don’t look like a failure” or “What a wonderful opportunity to share what is important to me with so many people.”
The first answer is based on fear, and the second is based on passion. These two very different motivators impact our lives in very different ways. Just as we choose the “fuel” for our body, we must choose the “fuel” for life: fear or passion. It is fear, especially the fear of failure, that drives the desire for “perfection” in perfectionists. And they do everything they can to avoid making a mistake or giving others a reason to think that they are not good enough. And since they measure their importance by certain, often unattainable, goals, they constantly feel that they are “falling short.” Agree, a difficult way to live your life!
When you are filled with fear, you focus on what you don't want. Your task is to do everything possible to reduce the risk of an undesirable outcome. You worry about what might happen and act in ways to reduce or prevent negative consequences. Fear is on the same energetic spectrum as anger, judgment, worry, irritation, shame, guilt, jealousy, hatred and panic. Not the most pleasant feeling! To feel more motivated, engaged, positive, and optimistic, all you have to do is switch from fear to passion, which is focused on the desired outcome rather than escaping the unwanted. Passion is expressed in enthusiasm and enjoyment of life and represents the opposite side of the energy spectrum along with romantic infatuation, joy, fun, determination, resilience, love, gratitude and determination.
The principle of "under-over"
This principle involves a rational assessment of someone else's behavior that we condemn. Instead of focusing on how “bad” the other person is behaving, we remind ourselves that their underlying motivation is almost always positive.
Think about how to use the under-over principle in your relationships with your loved ones. For example, suppose your husband has good intentions: when he says something that upsets you, how else can you interpret what is happening behind the scenes? Maybe he had a very hard day? Or does he need support? Or does he just want your attention? When your child does something they know is wrong, how can this principle help you understand the reasons behind those actions? Perhaps he wanted to look attractive in front of his friends? Or was he just having fun? This principle does not at all excuse the behavior of others. But it helps to better understand the hidden motivation so that you can move on together.
Signs of a perfectionist
- The desire to close all business processes on oneself. Not because it’s convenient or there’s nothing better to do—it’s just that perfectionists don’t trust employees.
- Slipping on parts where it is not required.
- Inability to take risks and improvise.
- The handwriting is like that of a high school student (no joke).
- Constant exaggeration: a small problem is turned into a disaster.
- Lack of time.
Don't seem perfect
Perfectionists believe that they have to cope with everything, and on their own. They often strive to psychologically isolate themselves from others, thereby dooming themselves to a feeling of loneliness and isolation from others. Whatever one may say, we are social creatures. And one of our innate needs is communication: it is important for us to feel included, loved; It's important to be accepted. Trying to cope with all difficulties alone can lead to depression and loneliness. In addition, it makes moving towards the goal much more difficult.
In the past, I myself was extremely reluctant to let people in on the difficulties of my life. I was sure that I should always remain cheerful outwardly so that my friends would feel better around me. I also didn’t want to look like a whiner. (Notice how these two beliefs correspond to extreme thinking.) I believed that it was easier to keep troubles to myself than to seek emotional or physical support from others. Moreover, I did not want to show my vulnerability to others for fear that I would be harmed. I was ready to show people only my best side.
Later I realized that we are all imperfect. We are better than perfection. We can be vulnerable without going to the extreme and without constantly being weak. We can receive support from loved ones by helping in return. We can be honest about how we are doing, while remaining a source of positivity and encouragement to those around us.
The book is provided by the publishing house "Mann, Ivanov and Ferber"
