According to Agatha Christie,
Mutual affection between a man and a woman always begins with the stunning illusion that you think the same about everything in the world.
Swimming in the ocean of happiness, you are probably confident that this is definitely your soulmate. But as soon as people get used to each other, the degree of delight decreases and... hello, first doubts! How to distinguish love from affection?
Is this really your person?
Are you really right for each other?
Let's figure it out together!
Looking for the main differences
Love and affection are different things, but sometimes these concepts are confused. You can philosophize a lot about the difference between them; in fact, a person experiences both at the same time. They follow each other: attachment is the natural basis of love as a habit of intimacy.
What's wrong with this, you ask?
Let's look at situations from the point of view of fear of changes in usual life and emotions.
This habit causes addiction, which in turn leads to the fear of losing a loved one and a feeling of constant discomfort. In most cases, the actions of an addict will differ little from the actions of a loving person. And he will listen to his partner, do everything so that they do not move away from him and do not get angry.
The main sign of attachment is pain.
From the stress that you might lose your loved one, from the loss itself, from painful thoughts about whether he is cheating. Sometimes a person himself suffers from these experiences, and sometimes he receives pleasure.
Love is not limited by time
Love lasts forever. Even if a person disappears from your life, goes to another continent, even if your memory erases memories of him... Bright feelings will still remain in you. Not because “it’s necessary,” not for image, not for appearance. Once born, love will settle in the heart forever.
In attachment, the thirst for “love” can be quenched. We spent some time together and got tired of it. We had a rest at the sea - and we want solitude. The transience of feelings most likely indicates attachment.
Team Growth Phase, Growth Phase
What types of nodes are there?
Of course, it is possible and reasonable to become attached to what supports and inspires you. However, at the same time, a person will easily “get rid of” if necessary and will not cause problems or worries for either himself or his partner.
Why is the fear of losing a loved one a sign of “bad” attachment, and not true love?
Therefore, love does not require sacrificing oneself. Life with any fear is an incomplete life. Note: more often than not, those who agree to a relationship with a person with whom they are uncomfortable just to avoid being alone are rarely truly happy. They do everything to prevent the other one from leaving the couple, thereby allowing disrespect for themselves, rudeness, assault, etc. Fear turns off the mind. And this is not at all a manifestation of love and affection, but only affection.
If you love, then you are not confined to the world consisting of you and your partner.
Once you lose him, you will retain the pleasant memories associated with him and move on with your life. Not the past. And for yourself and the people around you.
“Love is measured by the measure of forgiveness, affection by the pain of farewell”...
Pros and cons of relationships without true love
Quite often you can hear the phrase: “It’s better that they love me than I love someone.” There are many advantages in such relationships, but only if it is a matter of sympathy, and not habit or addiction. The lack of true love leads to suffering and a feeling of loneliness. Advantages:
- freedom of action, since there are no remorse;
- there is no jealousy, which has a very good effect on the psychological state, peace is not disturbed;
- increased attention to one’s own person in exchange for little;
- you can have an affair on the side, change sexual partners, which initially seems tempting.
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Causes, types and consequences of attachment
Flaws:
- spiritual emptiness, loneliness;
- feeling of a wasted life;
- decreased self-esteem;
- lack of feeling of real happiness;
- periodic irritability towards a partner;
- involuntary focusing on the shortcomings of the chosen one.
However, relationships without true love that are based on healthy attachments last longer. There is trust between partners, mutual assistance, and care. To the spouse’s question, “Why don’t you leave me?” You can often hear the answer: “I’m used to you, where should I go to someone else’s aunt?” In such a marriage, a man perceives his wife more as a mother. He stays with her because he feels comfortable. At home they will always feed you, clothe you, and take care of you when necessary.
The woman, in turn, gets used to a certain rhythm of life, her husband’s shortcomings, and does not want to start a new process of building a relationship with another man. She does not want to experience new emotional upheavals.
What are you experiencing
How to understand whether you are dependent on a person and whether there are too many restrictions in your life?
Attachment turns love into a bad habit when people lose the ability to exist without each other even for some time. Let's look at how it can arise and how to determine what your relationship is built on.
- If a couple has a common home/business, etc., or one of the partners is more comfortable, then for the second he is the personification of material comfort. Parting with him is associated with the loss of the usual standard of living.
- Often immature individuals or people who have received psychological trauma as a result of past negative experiences are afraid of loneliness.
People in a couple can drive each other crazy, but they will not break the union.
They will call it love, but there is attachment out of fear of being alone and unwillingness to leave the comfort zone. Comfort here simply means the usual way of life. They may not like what happens in their lives every day, but they will prefer such a routine to the uncertainty that follows a breakup.
- Unhealthy relationships can arise due to excessive selfishness of one of the partners. If the other one accepts the rules of a one-sided game, then after a while he will begin to feel needed, only realizing the needs of his “half” to the detriment of himself.
Letting go of attachments: stop taking your condition from outside
Outwardly people can be very rich, but internally they are very empty ! I'm not saying to throw away everything external, let it be - it doesn't bother anyone.
Just stop boosting your mood with external objects and paraphernalia.
For example, the idea of a guy having a girlfriend makes him feel better every day. He needs to stop thinking about the fact that he has a girlfriend from the very beginning of the day. as much as possible from the idea that you have something in this world . Find a small moment in your head that allows you to enjoy and discard it. You just stop thinking about him. You just stop enjoying it.
Do it all little by little, not all at once. It's like a diet.
You will feel worse at first . But it is necessary. Throw away attachments from your life, no matter how hard it may be at first.
Live by the idea that you are already okay . You keep throwing away and removing attachments from your life.
You have a loved one, but you should not extract emotions from him in order to improve your fortune.
Over time, you will learn not to think that you have it. At the same time, you will not be afraid of losing it. Ultimately, you will be able to get rid of love addiction. You no longer need to suck out fortunes from somewhere, because your condition is already better . Thanks to self-development, you find the reasons why you depend on something, throw them away - this increases your inner state, your inner self-esteem. You begin to love yourself more and be more independent.
Tearing off the masks
Do you think that everything is ok in your couple, but still wonder how to distinguish love from affection for a person? Well, let's pay attention to how each feeling is expressed.
- Your partner is an angel. In any case, you perceive him this way (or vice versa: he perceives you), which means that you are attached to some specific quality of his (intelligence, appearance, originality, etc.).
What is the difference between love and affection in this case?
The fact that loving partners see in each other not only the positive, but also the negative, and accept it.
- How else can you tell if you love your boyfriend/girlfriend or are attached to him/her? If this is normal at the initial stage of a relationship, then later, when the usual environment ceases to exist for one or both partners, we can safely talk about attachment. Such an obsession with a partner will ultimately lead to irritation of the object of passion and a desire to literally “get rid of it.”
Loving people give each other the right to personal space and social life.
- Someone in your couple uses the pronoun “I” too often, almost always puts their interests to the fore, without thinking about what is important for the other.
Love or affection?
Of course, the second one. While true love is manifested in mutual consideration of interests and care for each other.
- Actually, any “preserved” state is a sign of attachment. Have you stopped reading, developing, attending your favorite trainings? Do you like to draw, but after starting a relationship, you decided to move your easel to the attic? Previously, you used to let your soul go by playing the “Moonlight Sonata”, but now the instrument is covered with a centimeter layer of dust? Has handicraft moved to the far corner?
Love and creativity
Love encourages a person to create, create, and realize creative potential. If everything is the other way around for you, think about whether you are in a healthy relationship.
How to understand what leads to frequent quarrels?
How to distinguish between love and affection, even if you are both ardent and passionate natures? Of course, in the case of love, most likely, both will care about compromises. There is something else that distinguishes these two concepts. This is gratitude.
When we love, we usually feel gratitude in principle for life, and for the person who is next to us.
We are simply happy to have him there. And here's another thing. Love between you or affection on the Internet suggests determining various tests for girls. Before you turn to them, think about whether you should let tests that begin with a question determine your destiny.
“Does your boyfriend often call you by a different name?”
Test
It is necessary to conduct the psychological test “Love and affection in relationships” if you doubt your partner’s feelings and yours. Answer questions as honestly as possible.
The test consists of 8 points, select the desired letter, then calculate the total points and read the results:
- How do you feel when you meet your loved one on the street, at university, or see that he is online on social networks? A) My heart beats quickly, I’m embarrassed - 3 B) I’m very worried, but I calm down quickly - 1 C) I don’t notice it right away, sometimes I can pass by - 0.
- How quickly did your romance develop? A) They fell in love at first sight - 1. B) They got to know each other for several weeks - 2. C) The romance developed carefully, slowly, the first kiss happened a month later - 3.
- What attracts you most in a partner? A) Appearance - 1. B) Internal content - 3. C) Wealth (money, career) - 0.
- When you break up for a long time, how do you feel? A) I’m very worried, I miss you - 3. B) I don’t notice the separation - 0. C) I’m jealous, I think that she (he) is cheating on me - 1.
- How does your partner influence you and your personal development? A) I do strange things, I’m disorganized - 1. B) I’m developing, trying to be more educated, well-read - 3. C) I don’t notice any changes - 0.
- Does your partner have flaws? A) Yes, but they touch me, we are trying to get rid of them together, adapt to each other - 3. B) No, he (she) is ideal - 1. C) Yes, and this really infuriates me, irritates me - 0.
- How do you feel about your relationships? A) We have little in common, probably they are not destined to last long - 0. B) I want my partner to devote his entire time to me, to be constantly nearby - 1. C) We both believe that we are made for each other , we are thinking about a future together - 3.
- If your partner falls in love with another person and leaves, how will you feel? A) Hatred, rejection, resentment. I’ll definitely find a way to take revenge - 1. B) Pain, but I can overcome it, because it will be better for him (her) than living with an unloved person - 3. C) Nothing, it’s high time to end this relationship - 0.
Test results: 1-6 points You definitely do not have serious feelings for your partner. This is a temporary shelter, you are probably waiting for someone else. It's better for you to break up now and start looking for true love. 7-10 points Your sympathy for each other is like a habit or a strong attachment. Most likely, this is a selfish feeling. Each of you thinks first of all about yourself, strives to fulfill your desires. The passion will soon pass and the feelings will cool down. 11-24 points You are in a wonderful state of true and deep love. Appreciate your partner and his reverent attitude towards you.
Changing the line of behavior
Having figured out what the difference is between love and affection, and having come to the conclusion that you have become a hostage to the latter, it is logical to ask yourself what to do about it all. We will give advice with several options:
Feeling like a creator
If you are the one tying the knots, then you definitely have an ace in your hands. Observe yourself and start adjusting your attitude. Try to be sincerely interested in what is important to your partner. For example, if he is a football fan, go to a match together. If contemporary art inspires her, buy two tickets to the exhibition. It is important to first obtain a little information - about the rules of the game and the teams, about the representatives of this movement and the artist whose exhibition you intend to admire on Friday evening.
This will provide you with topics for conversation, during which you will be sure to look at your partner in a new light.
Yes, but... how do you know if it's love or affection? Believe me, everything will happen by itself. By looking at your “other half” differently, you will either fall in love with him in a new way, or you yourself will decide to let him go. Having experienced in practice the difference between these two feelings, it will become easier for you to give an adequate reaction and manage your behavior.
