- Narcissistic behavior includes complacency, deception in relationships, and taking advantage of other people.
- We've compiled a list of 19 common behaviors of narcissists, based on research and expert opinions.
- This list is not intended to be diagnostic, but it can give you a good idea of whether you or someone you know is a narcissist.
Narcissistic personality disorder, according to modern psychology, is characterized by “grandiosity, a lack of empathy for other people, and a need for admiration.”
The personality traits that make narcissists so difficult to socialize or date—a willingness to control people and a ruthlessness in getting their needs met—are what make them effective at climbing the corporate ladder.
To help you figure out whether you (or perhaps your boss) is a narcissist, we combed the psychological literature looking for patterns of narcissistic behavior. We also spoke with Joseph Burgo, Ph.D., psychologist and author of The Narcissist You Know.
Here are 19 common signs of narcissism and how to spot them.
If you are not grandiose, then you are introverted, hypersensitive, defensive and anxious
Psychologists talk about “the two faces of narcissism.” On the one hand, he is a hyper-aggressive, super-loud type. But there is also a milder form of narcissism. This is called “covert narcissism,” which is referred to as introversion, hypersensitivity, defensiveness, and anxiety. “Both shades of narcissism shared a core of vanity, arrogance, and a tendency to give in to one’s own needs and neglect others,” Scientific American reports.
You are self-confident
Narcissists often believe that their views are inherently superior to those of other people. But what they really value is the attention they receive for holding these views. For example, as Burgo argues, a person with narcissism may believe that he has a stronger connection with God, but it is more important to him that other people recognize this connection and admire his deep sense of spirituality.
Vanity Fair
The most characteristic traits of a narcissist, which those who like to make diagnoses based on their avatar usually focus on, are vanity and narcissism. Other characteristic but lesser-known symptoms are a lack of empathy, envy, a tendency to exploit others and a desire for power, as well as a sense of being special and requiring special treatment. All these features can manifest themselves in varying degrees - from mild personality specificity to a noticeable pathology - the actual narcissistic personality disorder.
Given that narcissists are often truly successful and well-liked, their expansion in society can create a sense of injustice in more meek, modest and underappreciated people. It may seem that these narcissistic egoists get too much completely undeservedly. But at the same time, the inner world of a narcissist cannot be called harmonious. It’s difficult to feel stable when your sense of self-esteem is always “outsourced” and depends on other people’s assessments.
You are probably young and male, and perhaps an artist
“The narcissist-monk is a bit of a combination, but being a narcissist while being Kanye West is fantastic,” says Western Sydney University psychologist Peter Jonason, an expert in social psychology. After 34,653 face-to-face interviews, psychologist Frederick Stinson found that men tend to be more narcissistic than women over the course of their lives.
Narcissism is thought to peak during adolescence and decline with age.
You hate feeling emotions
“The very fact of having feelings in the presence of another person suggests that you can be moved emotionally by friends, family, partners, and even the occasional tragedy or misfortune,” says Harvard Medical School psychologist Craig Malkin. This is why narcissists hate them.
The emotions “challenge their sense of complete autonomy,” he continues. “Admitting feelings of any kind assumes that they can be affected by someone or something from the outside.”
As a result, narcissists tend to change the subject when feelings are brought up, especially their own.
You're More Attractive Than Other People - Or At Least You Think So
Narcissists are typically rated as more stylish and physically attractive, according to a study conducted by University of Washington psychologist Seemin Wazir. However, this is not always the case. According to a 2008 study, narcissists rated themselves highly in both appearance and intelligence, but when they took IQ tests, they scored average. When their peers were asked to rate their narcissistic friends based on their appearance, they scored lower than the narcissists themselves.
Are you a serial romantic?
Burgo also identifies a group of narcissists whom he calls “seducers.” These people with narcissistic traits fall in love quickly and easily, often with people they don't know at all. They think that their partner is absolutely perfect - a complement to their own perfection - until reality sets in when they realize that their partner is imperfect, and then they end the relationship.
What do we mean when we say “narcissist”, “narcissism”?
The article describes the characteristics of individuals with a narcissistic character structure. With its help, you will be able to better understand yourself or understand the character traits of people close to you.
Nowadays, the words “narcissist” or “narcissism” are often used in everyday life, which are used in relation to some people, in attempts to give them a “psychological diagnosis” at the everyday level; sometimes it is used as a nasty label.
“Narcissism” should not be considered a “bad” word. Healthy narcissism is adequate and appropriate self-love; the ability to maintain self-esteem even if a person does not receive “feeding” or “recharging” from the outside; healthy ambition; a person's ability to achieve their goals; strive to make something more perfect and beautiful.
Now let's try to understand who can be classified as a narcissistic personality type? Perhaps, with the help of this article, someone will be interested in understanding themselves or understanding loved ones more deeply.
Of course, this description may seem somewhat caricatured - after all, any living person has a unique set of qualities and personality traits that manifest themselves in varying degrees of severity.
The narcissistic personality is characterized by a lack of interest in other people, combined with preoccupation and fixation on oneself. In relation to others and close people, an individual with a narcissistic personality organization lacks (sincere, not ostentatious!) attention, warmth, interest, and has no ability for empathy (the ability to put oneself in the place of another in order to understand his state and feelings). One patient with whom she underwent psychotherapeutic work frankly admitted: “I don’t care about anyone. Everyone else doesn’t interest me.” Such, unfortunately, unpleasant characteristics are inherent in narcissistic individuals due to the fact that all their energy is directed towards themselves and is spent on maintaining their painfully unstable self-esteem and self-esteem. It overshadows all other tasks in life.
There is one type of narcissistic personality who outwardly appears very confident and arrogant - they demonstrate their superiority, privilege; trying to achieve admiration by demonstrating their success, power, uniqueness, chosenness; Thus, they suppress others with their demeanor. This type of narcissistic personality, which some authors call grandiose-exhibitionist . Those. they have a desire for exhibitionism (demonstration) of their grandiose part.
If the desire for superiority and greatness is supported by the objective qualities of the individual - abilities, talents, education; then such people function very successfully, achieve a lot, and actually receive recognition and admiration. They make prominent political figures, leaders, artists, and often idols of the masses. They are not aware of their other part, which hides under the mask of grandiosity (wounded and traumatized). Such individuals never seek psychotherapeutic help.
When an individual’s idea of himself diverges from the level of his real capabilities and achievements, and his need to mirror his magnificence is not satisfied, then severe internal conflicts arise. Often such people ask for help.
One of the signs that you are close to an individual with a narcissistic disposition can be your emotional response to this person. This type of person can be very difficult to be around. Initially there may be admiration for them; more often - a feeling of humiliation; the desire to compete and prove that you also mean something; the feeling of being used - of not being noticed by the true and real you - you are needed only to express admiration.
“Grandiose defenses” were described above (as psychologists say) This implies that the narcissist inflates his self to enormous proportions to compensate for his feelings of inadequacy. Internally it sounds something like this: “I am great and unique.” People need such defenses in order to hide, first of all, from themselves the feeling of their low value, worthlessness, and even the internal feeling of defectiveness. This feeling of self has been consolidated since childhood, due to dysfunctional and traumatic childhood development. One can imagine how painful, humiliating and excruciating such a sense of self can be, which, in this case, has to be constantly hidden under the mask of greatness. Thus, it is important to understand that in every “grandiose” narcissist there is a pole of insignificance, which, as a rule, he is not aware of, and which is masked with the help of various psychological defenses. Another defense with which the narcissistic personality tries to get rid of the painful confrontation with an insignificant part of himself is to attribute this part of himself to other people. And then the narcissist finds weaknesses and shortcomings in other people and despises them - he strives to belittle, ridicule and devalue others. This method allows you to support your deeply hidden, but nevertheless painfully vulnerable part.
Such people are terribly lonely, because... they are afraid of real contacts. Trying to be perfect and magnificent, they keep their distance from people, afraid that those around them will see their imperfections (or their commonness) up close, and then turn away from them.
Thus, one patient undergoing individual psychotherapy had mild narcissistic traits. It seemed to her that she could only be accepted by being perfect and ideal. At the cost of great effort, she managed to shine at corporate meetings, causing a sea of admiration (according to her assumptions) with her intelligence, creativity, and speed of reaction. But, during breaks, when all the employees drank tea and talked, she ran away alone to distant places, afraid of exposure - that up close she would not be so magnificent. She could not accept herself as a real person with advantages and limitations and be herself next to others. When I asked her what feelings, in her opinion, a person who “overshadows others with his splendor” could evoke, she wanted to believe that it was love. But it didn’t occur to her that such a person could cause envy, irritation, that she would want to stay away from him. In the process of working, she felt that her desire for grandiosity would not make her sweeter and more loved by those close to her.
There is another type of narcissistic personality called “vulnerably sensitive.” These people have another pole on the surface - a feeling of inferiority and inferiority. They have a chronic feeling that something is wrong with them. These people are easily vulnerable and have low self-esteem. The main feeling inherent in them is shame: “There is something wrong with me, and it may be discovered by someone.” Although, it often happens that shame is so unbearable that in a defensive way, it is not recognized - the person tries not to feel it. Narcissistic individuals of this type also have an opposite pole, which may not be fully conscious and may only be present in fantasy—the hidden grandiose part. Usually, it is possible to “get to know” this part of yourself better in psychotherapeutic work, with the empathic support of the therapist. It may not be confirmed by any real achievements, but deep down a person considers himself special, extraordinary, even an unrecognized genius. This “grandiosity” protects a person experiencing painfully wounding experiences of his inferiority.
In order to maintain a shaky sense of their importance, narcissistic individuals choose people in their circle of friends whom they begin to idealize - endow them with exceptional abilities, talents (or exaggerate the actual merits of a person). There is a constant search for an ideal - for example, which psychotherapist is the best? Real advantages and disadvantages are not taken into account - the main thing is prestige, status, external signs of splendor. By choosing such idols for themselves and trying to stay close to them, narcissistic individuals, as psychologists say, merge with them - they begin to feel themselves the same, blurring the difference between themselves and others. People with a narcissistic personality organization choose and love those who have qualities that they themselves lack to achieve their ideal. But no person can be perfect; therefore, narcissists, disappointed in their idol, devalue him; find another; and the cycle repeats all over again.
A patient undergoing therapy said that she chose a man who positioned himself as excellent, successful, significant, and simply seemed cool. Even though the man was rude to the girl and acted disdainfully towards her, she stuck to the relationship. Only in the process of therapy did she manage to understand that she endured all the humiliation because in this man she saw that grandiose part that she herself wanted to have, and which, according to her feelings, she lacked. It seemed to her that if such a(!) man chooses me, then that means I am also extraordinary.
Vulnerable-sensitive narcissists also defend themselves through contempt and devaluation of others in order to cope with the experience of their humiliated and wounded part. When a narcissistic individual manages to find those who are even less successful than him; he directs all his strength to contempt for them; Thus, he manages to “numb” the feeling of his inferiority.
Narcissistic personalities are very disadvantaged because... they turn out to be incapable of mature love. They do not love other people for their unique qualities. A person with a narcissistic personality organization has a consumerist attitude towards close and surrounding people. The purpose of the other person is to feed the narcissist's sense of self-esteem - with admiration, approval, attention, to mirror his magnificence. Unfortunately, other aspects of human relationships (mutual support, reciprocity, the need to give warmth and care to another) pale in comparison to this goal or may not appear at all. The fact is that narcissists have a great need to constantly receive admiration from others to maintain their unstable self-esteem; so there are simply no internal resources left for other forms of relationships. But narcissistic individuals find it difficult to admit their dependence on others. They feel that needing someone is a shame. Their need for others is so strong that a protective sense of self-sufficiency is triggered.
Deep down, narcissistic individuals are very afraid that they will not be needed or interesting to other people. (They don’t believe that they can be interesting and accepted without being ideal at all.) Then they show anticipatory rejection. That is, they reject others first, without waiting for rejection towards themselves. They say that they don’t need anyone and devalue relationships . But this is also a psychological defense, and deep down, these people are extremely lonely and unhappy. In the words of a famous psychotherapist, the narcissist is doubly alienated - from his real self (in an attempt to be grandiose) and from people.
Narcissistic individuals have strong feelings of envy . From a traumatic and wounding feeling of one’s own inferiority, envy arises towards those who are considered to have some merits. Envy is often not recognized, because in society it is considered an “ugly” or “wrong” feeling, and the individual hides it even from himself. But then envy is expressed in the desire to “destroy” the good in others - it manifests itself in the desire to criticize, ridicule, and devalue.
One of the patients with whom psychotherapeutic work was carried out constantly felt the tension constraining her in communicating with her more successful friends, which made it very difficult for her to communicate. In the second or third year of therapy, she began to realize more and more that it was envy of her friends that was literally destroying relationships. Awareness of this painful feeling, the ability to acknowledge and live it in a therapeutic relationship, helps over time to cope with it more easily, making it less “toxic” and destructive.
The image of a person centered on himself, envious and despising others, from the outside probably evokes little sympathy. But, if you think about what is associated with such behavioral features of narcissistic patients, you can understand that behind the external arrogance and self-confidence lies a very vulnerable and vulnerable part, traumatized by dysfunctional childhood development. The narcissist painfully experiences his (as it seems to him) “defect”, his insufficiency. Fleeing from these insanely hurtful and painful experiences, he develops the defenses described above.
In therapeutic work, it is possible to realize and experience the pain of the apparent feeling of one’s insignificance, to discover and accept one’s real self (and not grandiose); to believe that this way you can be accepted by other people. In psychotherapy, it is important to help the patient find his warm and loving part (even if, at first, deeply hidden) and, relying on it, help the person build healthy relationships with people.
Also, the objectives of psychotherapeutic work with narcissistic patients are:
· Help the patient notice and accept his true self, according to the principle: “I am who I am and I agree with it.”
· Help the patient achieve self-acceptance without “inflating” his own Self and without belittling others. Accept people without judging or using. To love without idealizing. Express genuine feelings without shame.
· Achieve the acceptance that needing others is not a shame.
· See the value of small steps, not just grandiose projects.
In conclusion, it is worth adding that the narcissistic defenses described above - grandiosity, idealization, devaluation - are not yet an indicator of a narcissistic character structure . They can be the result of narcissistic injury - a traumatic situation in which dignity and self-esteem suffer. Narcissistic injury is characterized by situations of humiliation, shame, and devaluation. In such cases, many people, without a narcissistic personality structure, may resort to such defenses.
Psychologist-psychotherapist Ezhek Natalia.
You put some people on a pedestal
Malkin says the logic here is: “If I find someone perfect to be with me, perhaps some of their perfection will rub off on me, and I will become perfect by association.”
With this ideal in mind, narcissists suck up to people they perceive as perfect—whether it's a coworker or a romantic partner—and then are truly disappointed when that person isn't as flawless as they imagined. For a narcissist, everything has to be perfect.
How to live with a narcissist
There is no universal answer to this question - the options will depend both on the degree of narcissism of the hero, and on the type of relationship and your own personality. In any case, it is important to recognize the problem and accept the fact that this is a person with a very specific view of the world, for whom arguments that are obvious or convincing in your opinion may not work. If the pathology is strong, it is better to avoid close contacts; if the traits are moderate, you can try to persuade the person to undergo therapy. Which, most likely, you both will need, because, as already mentioned, people with other neurotic disorders are often drawn to narcissists, and understanding your psychological “bugs” is no less important here than improving relationships with a relative or partner.
You enjoy humiliating other people
Narcissistic people intentionally suppress others in order to maintain a high, positive image of themselves. “Admiration seeking is like a drug for narcissists,” says Mithja D. Back, a psychologist at Johannes Gutenberg University in Mainz, Germany. “Eventually, things become very difficult because not everyone is ready to applaud them, so they always have to find new acquaintances from whom they get their next fix.”
This also explains why narcissists usually only maintain weak relationships.
How to get rid of narcissism
Narcissistic disorder is often demonized, narcissism is easily attributed to abusers and manipulators, and it is indeed part of the so-called “dark triad” - a typical list of personality traits for people prone to malicious behavior. But this does not mean that every narcissist is a cruel tyrant, and his behavior cannot be corrected. If a person realizes that the specifics of his personality create difficulties for himself and bring pain to loved ones, he can successfully undergo psychotherapy. Drug treatment is not used in this case unless there are other comorbid disorders (for example, anxiety or depression).
Olga Gumanova:
“With experience, I am increasingly convinced that the popular “narcissophobia” today has no real basis. Any personality disorders and neurotic types of personality organization are not corrected only if a person denies his pain, depression, and tries to pretend that everything is fine with him. Narcissists actually have more reasons to deny problems because, as a rule, everything is fine with their careers and personal lives. Why do I need a psychologist if I have a prestigious position, a high salary and a crowd of fans?
Now 60 percent of psychologists’ clients are narcissists. People come because they are in pain, they have a very disassembled, fragmented self, they no longer want to endure it and want to change. And they can change if they want.”
Your parents ignored and adored you
Research shows that the combination of parental rejection and excessive admiration is more strongly associated with narcissism in adults than if one childhood experience always existed without the other. Inconsistency and harshness in the way parents treat their children will eventually create a "deep craving for admiration" and cause the narcissist to lead a life of seeking fleeting selfish incentives, Psychology Today reports.
Causes of Narcissistic Disorder
So, all people have a narcissistic trait, but not everyone becomes a narcissist in the full sense of the word - vain egoists who think only about themselves.
The totality of the causes of this disorder can be divided into two groups:
- Genetic factor - a child is already born with a brain structure in which the ability for empathy and emotional regulation is absent.
In this case, the part of the brain responsible for the functions described above is poorly developed (lack of gray matter in the anterior insula). And if parents do not correct this feature with their upbringing, then their offspring will grow up to be a narcissist. - Features of education:
- excessive admiration for the baby (not a scrawl, but a masterpiece, no less!), overprotection, permissiveness, suggestion of his uniqueness. In such conditions, the child grows up as the “navel of the earth”, he is not taught normal communication - to think about others, sympathize, support, and the limits of his capabilities are not indicated.
He really believes in his exclusivity, his specialness, and gets used to being worshiped as a deity. With this worldview, he enters the adult world, where he then begins to have problems in communication; - lack of parental love , coldness, unavailability of adults.
The child suffers from a lack of love, attention, physical contact, and respect. He begins to fantasize about how he could win their favor: he imagines himself strong, brave, omnipotent. “If I become like this, mom and dad will definitely love me” is a protective idealization. Such a kid usually studies well, earns a lot in the future, dresses himself in the best outfits, and his hairstyle is hair to hair. And all this in order to achieve the recognition that he was deprived of as a child.
Ideally, a child should feel needed and significant, feel the love and care of adults. But at the same time, it is important to convey to him that there are other people - with their own needs and desires.
The examples of upbringing presented above represent two opposite extremes, guided by which parents disfigure their offspring on a mental level, dooming them to mental suffering in adulthood.
It is important to note that there is no cure for narcissistic disorder. The maximum that such a person can do for himself is to undergo psychological therapy in order to learn to manage his behavior and experience mood swings easier and more comfortably.
You must always be in control
Just as narcissists hate talking about their feelings, “they can't remain at the mercy of other people's preferences,” Malkin says. “It reminds them that they are not invulnerable or completely independent—that, in fact, they may have to ask for what they want—and worse, people may not be willing to grant that request.”
This is why they can control themselves without getting angry. In romantic relationships, narcissists control people with disapproving glances, calls to change plans, and chronic tardiness. This allows narcissists to undermine other people's ability to make choices. By doing this, narcissists maintain their sense of complete autonomy, which they so desperately need.
