“Big sister syndrome”: why it occurs and how it affects our future

• Description
• Manifestations of the problem
• Family complexes
• Useful tips

Every family with two or more children has faced the problem of rivalry. This is due to the perception of oneself and one’s position in the family and society. As research shows, our behavior in society depends on what kind of person we were: senior, average, junior or only. Depending on this factor, our character and worldview change.

Rivalry between children is almost inevitable

Description

Based on the name, it can be noted that this complex occurs among the youngest in the family. Little brother syndrome or little sister complex is primarily the influence of upbringing. With the birth of the second baby, changes occur in the family; all the love and care of the parents is transferred to the newborn.

Often parents are sure that the baby born later should receive all the attention, he is small. With the advent of such thoughts in parents, children begin to develop a younger child complex. The kid sees that he gets all the best, compared to the worst, and gets used to this state of affairs.

There is another side to the syndrome. Parents who have experienced the experience of raising an older child transfer it entirely to the younger one. As a result, he is constantly compared with the elder, the choice of additional activities is obvious - the younger one will be enrolled in the same circle as the older one. The younger one does not spend time with his peers, because he walks surrounded by his older daughter or son and his friends. The most ill-considered things are constant comparisons of one thing with another, against the background of which numerous complexes can develop.

The first damn thing is lumpy

When two sisters grow up in a house, one of them usually turns out to be sweet and very sociable, and the other is a shy, shy one. And the eldest is usually the shy one. It was her parents who raised her as best they could. They took her to all kinds of clubs, developmental sections and sports competitions. The child had no time to rest or play. The girl spent her free time reading books, which her parents stuffed her with. Having practiced with the first child, the parents raised the second in freer conditions.

Manifestations of the problem

In order to understand whether your child has such a complex, you need to familiarize yourself with its inherent features. Not all of them are noticeable in childhood; most appear when it is too late to educate.

1. People with this complex tend to be selfish. Children quickly get used to being pampered and attention revolves around them. They expect the same from adulthood.
2. Self-discipline and organization are difficult for kids. He is used to others doing everything for him.
3. The younger ones are manipulators. Everyone knows how to get what they want. But second-born children are born manipulators. They have all the levers of pressure on their family, relatives and others.
4. Irresponsibility. Almost everything is forgiven to the younger ones, because they are considered still small. No matter what they do, they can get away with it. And this is a very bad trend; every person, even the smallest, must be responsible for their actions.
5. Rebellious beginning. In families where children are compared with each other, rebels are born. Children try to do everything in spite of their parents in order to prove that they are better.
6. Fights between children. In every family there is an unspoken competition for the attention of parents. Sometimes such competition develops into real fights.

Spoiled children are used to getting everything

Motivate correctly

Image from pageuppeople.com
Salaries in the nonprofit sector are low—several times lower than comparable positions in the for-profit sector. This is compensated by a powerful feeling of fullness in life and the meaning of work.

“Working at Nochlezhka gives me a great sense of satisfaction and understanding of why I work, the joy of working with wonderful people and great professionals,” says Daria Baibakova. – For me, the opportunity to change something for the better in the system of helping homeless people is a great challenge to myself. It was for the sake of such tasks that I joined an NGO. I have never been so interested in working. Although it has never been this difficult.”

There are other benefits too. “Our foundation’s employees, who came from large Russian and foreign companies, say that they have never seen such a degree of freedom—the absence of bureaucracy, the ability to come up with and implement their own ideas and projects—in business,” says Alena Meshkova. “Here you don’t have to wait until your proposal goes through twenty approvals, there’s no time to wait at all: you came up with an idea, assessed the risks, defended it, and went to do it.” For proactive people who feel the strength to be a “one-man band”, quickly switch between tasks and at the same time remain an effective specialist with a cool head, working in charity can seem very comfortable.”

Family complexes

A younger brother complex or a younger sister complex are not the only problems that are possible in families. The older brother or older sister complex manifests itself in a sense of responsibility for the younger brother or sister. It is wrong when parents shift responsibility for their younger children to their older children. Therefore, firstborns mature faster, become perfectionists and strive for leadership. Also, an older sister complex can play a role in marriage. Women with big sister syndrome protect their husbands and do not allow themselves too much under any circumstances.

The brother/sister complex or sister complex manifests itself in increased concern not only for brothers and sisters, but also for the other half, friends. Such people are very gentle and caring, and often become doctors.

The brother complex is characteristic of people who are accustomed to excessive care. They are irresponsible and expect help from others.

Older children can also receive a complex based on the guardianship of younger ones

It won't work right away

The personnel crisis in NPOs is a sign of the rapidly growing professionalization of the sector.
It is developing at a breakneck pace in Russia, and charismatic people with valuable business experience and flexible thinking are flocking here. First of all, NPOs are interested in professional managers, lawyers, financiers, communications and IT specialists coming from business; their universal competencies and experience are in great demand by funds. The difficulty is that most funds cannot make an objective decision about whether this “person from business” is right for them, says Anton Stepanenko , head of the social change platform Todogood. There are two reasons for this. “The first is that since the candidate has different experience and different competencies, it is not possible, looking at a resume, diplomas, experience, to guess how useful these skills and knowledge will be,” says the expert. “The second is that the fund usually does not have enough experience to select and integrate such an employee.”

“When I came to the foundation four years ago from the media field, I knew almost nothing about NGOs,” says Oksana Razumova , Chairman of the Board of the Friends Foundation. – Now I can say with confidence that it doesn’t matter at all where a person comes from – from one industry to another or from business to the non-profit sector. The adaptation mechanisms are similar. The main thing, in my opinion, is to understand that attracting a new employee is a long-term project.” If the head of a fund hires a person with no experience working in an NPO and expects him to immediately establish key processes and “put out the fire,” most likely nothing will work out. An employee with business competencies is certainly very valuable, but you also need to invest a lot in him.

Useful tips

As you know, all our problems come from childhood, so we need to fight them back then, and ideally prevent them from appearing. To prevent the complex from appearing, you must:

• Give your children equal attention: no one should feel deprived or unworthy of love - spend an equal amount of time with both;
• do not expect that the second baby will be a copy of the first: despite the fact that children are born in the same family, they can be completely different - do not force the youngest to follow in the footsteps of the first-born if he does not want to;
• make friends with the children: it would seem that they should make friends themselves from the very beginning, but this is not so - often children are hostile towards each other, because they are going to fight for the attention of their parents.

Some parents are sure that the development of certain complexes is inevitable. But with proper upbringing and proper relationship building, any problems can be avoided. The main thing is not to let things take their course.

Basic strategies for rivalry between siblings:

1. The strategy of behavior that occurs in case of jealousy is aggression : angry statements towards the baby, cruelty towards the baby or mother. How should parents react correctly to this situation? For example, if a child bites a mother while she is feeding the baby, her frequent reaction is coaxing and then anger. It is important to let your feelings react, to tell the child: “I see that you are angry. But it hurts me. Show how angry you are on a blanket or toy.” The child receives the attention of his mother, hears that his mother understands him and does not judge him. You can tell your child: “The next time you get angry or offended, tell me about it and we’ll figure something out.”

2. Actively attracting attention , demonstrative behavior from a one-time hysteria to the development of an anxiety disorder in an older child. A child can do something on the sly: set something on fire at home, cut curtains with scissors, cut his hair. If a child exhibits demonstrative behavior, it means he lacks attention. Then we talk with the parent and find out what is happening with the attention to the child, in what situations he shows demonstrative behavior, what can be done to give him this attention.

Parents can give attention not only in games, but also in everyday situations: for example, a mother put the youngest to bed, went to cook and asked the elder to help.

3. Regression is a form of psychological defense in a situation of stress, when a child unconsciously resorts to earlier, less mature and less adequate reactions. This behavior is based on an objective fact: the baby is protected, everything is allowed to him. And regression guarantees the same attitude towards the older child. Regression can manifest itself in refusal to eat, the child demands something special, many children ask to be fed from a spoon or want to drink from a baby bottle. Regression manifests itself in relation to sleep: the older child may wake up, cry, demand rocking, and ask to go to his parents’ bed. Regression in relation to self-service skills: the child refuses to do what he already knows how to do, or does it very slowly. A common manifestation of regression is distortion of the language, failure of speech skills. The child may begin to lisp and distort words, and the parent may become irritated by this. The main goal of regression is to get love and attention from parents.”

Parenting mistakes

• Compare one child to another. If you don't want to give your daughters a complex, never compare them to anyone else. Every child is unique and parents must understand this.
• Expecting from one child what another could not achieve. If you wanted your older daughter to go to dance, but she chose drawing, you don’t need to focus on your younger child. If a little girl has a passion for music, she will have to accept that neither the eldest nor the youngest daughter will dance.
• Get a pet. If you decide to show tenderness, then show it to two children equally. There is no need to think that the eldest daughter needs less tenderness than the younger one.

Who's happier?

If you look at how differently the two sisters grew up, the question inevitably arises: which of the girls is happier? It is impossible to answer this unequivocally. If the parents are not deprived of intelligence, then both girls are happy. They had to have the same conditions for development. If the parents were permissive in their position as educators, then two children in the family would be unhappy. But for some reason there is an opinion that the second child is the darling of fate. Maybe it happens like this, up to 10 years, but over time it can come back to haunt the girl many times over.