The phrase “I’m fine” is a standard reaction in our society to emotional turmoil. It is important to show others as soon as possible that you are normal, even if you are not.
When supporting someone, we say: “Stop crying”, “Stop being upset”, showing the person that his feelings are wrong and need to get rid of them as soon as possible. But there is only one way to cope with an emotion - to live it, and not to push it away. Let's figure out why it's harmful to suppress your feelings and how to stop doing it.
Fight, flight, freeze, or why suppressing emotions is harmful
Adherents of various spiritual practices believe that emotions are energy. If we do not let it pass through ourselves, but ignore it, it accumulates in the body and begins to poison the body: most often this is expressed in the form of psychosomatic diseases.
Doctor of psychology Emily Nagoski in her book “As a Woman Wants” explains that stress is an evolutionary adaptive mechanism that allows a person to adequately respond to threats. When a primitive man encountered a lion, his brain received a danger signal: the level of adrenaline and cortisol in the blood increased sharply, the heartbeat and breathing increased, blood pressure increased, and the immune and digestive systems were suppressed.
Our stress response can be described as a fight/flight/freeze cycle. Depending on the type of threat, the person decided what would help him escape - running away from the lion or fighting him. In the most extreme case, when the predator is already too close, the freezing reaction is activated - the body practically ceases to function, this is also called “feigned death.”
According to Nagoski, the key to effectively managing stress is to end the stress cycle: kill a predator, escape from it, or get out of a state of inhibition. But in the modern world we are faced with other threats: not so intense, but longer lasting. With chronic stress, when we do not make conscious efforts to end the cycle, negative emotions accumulate, leading to illness, chronic fatigue and depression.
Types of suppression
Moral Suppression
It is aimed at belittling human dignity. For example, the offender talks about the victim’s complexes, appearance, and tries to evoke a feeling of guilt. Sun Tzu wrote: “To subjugate the enemy to your will, hit the weak points.”
Psychological suppression
This type of influence is accompanied by physical torture. First, the victim is beaten, pushed, and then psychological violence is applied. It is often associated with the following words: “If you don’t want it good, it will be bad,” after which intimidation begins.
How to understand that you are suppressing emotions
We live in a culture of suppression of emotions, where from childhood we are taught that crying, expressing dissatisfaction, throwing a tantrum is bad, and such a desire must be fought. It is not surprising that many people do not even notice that they live in a constantly unfinished stress cycle. Here are just a few manifestations of suppressed emotions:
- say “I’m fine” even when you feel bad;
- you wake up in a bad mood for no apparent reason;
- you often feel hatred and disappointment;
- you may suddenly lash out at a loved one;
- you cannot tell a person how you really feel for fear that you will be judged or ridiculed;
- constantly making excuses for people who hurt you;
- you have addictions that you resort to when you don’t feel well - food, alcohol, shopaholism.
What are the dangers of suppressed emotions and how to express them correctly?
In today’s article we will talk about what suppressing your emotions leads to, how to express them correctly and why this is even necessary. And how suppressed negative emotions affect health. First, I will show you one interesting picture, then I will tell you what conclusions follow from it. Plus, I’ll tell you about my example of expressing emotions.
Go…
Video version of this article, for those who prefer to watch
First take a look at this picture:
You can expand the picture. Right-click on the image and select “Open image in new tab.”
This picture is from the book “From Here to Great Happiness or How to Improve Your Life Forever” by Champion Kurt Teutsch and Joel Marie Teutsch. You can buy the book in the most correct translation from one of my mentors, Boris Sorin, here >>
And in this article I will share with you my interpretation of the understanding from this book.
For example, some situation arises when we get irritated. And instead of expressing these emotions, we suppress them. We do not express it for a number of reasons – I will talk about them below.
And when we suppress them, they become even bigger. It's like a boiler with steam. If all the holes are blocked, it will explode.
And these suppressed emotions of ours (anger, resentment, fear, etc.) find indirect expression. They can have a direct impact on our health, this can manifest itself in depression, alcoholism, various abuses, illnesses, crime and even death.
In other words, if you don’t express emotions right in the moment, or at least later, but constantly carry them within yourself, then be prepared for indirect expression: illness, etc. Why don't people express emotions?
The first reason is imitation. Based on the example of your parents or through a genetically inherited model of behavior (from grandparents).
Our parents grew up in a country where you couldn’t stick your head out, you couldn’t be dissident, you couldn’t stand out, you couldn’t think differently. We absorbed this behavior pattern with our mother's milk.
The second reason is conditioning.
When you were constantly told as a child - don’t cry, don’t play, don’t do this, don’t touch, don’t get angry, don’t offend, don’t shout, you can’t contradict your elders, children should be seen but not heard, etc. - all this was the plug for our boiler.
And so the person absorbed these attitudes: the expression of negative emotions is impermissible, the interests of other people are more important than yours, if you don’t express your emotions, you won’t be punished, etc.
Well, the third reason is that when you speak out, you traumatize others, which is actually very far from the truth.
Because when you don’t express your feelings, you give others the right to violate your boundaries (after all, how will he know about them if you don’t speak out), and also, with this behavior, you steal the opportunity for personal growth from yourself and your opponent.
By practicing to express how you feel, you will get rid of old thinking patterns that interfere with your self-expression and self-realization. After all, how can you be fulfilled (do what you love, find your purpose) if you cannot even realize (express into the world) your emotions?
The same applies to money . We receive money through the value that we give into the world. Those. value must be produced and given into the world – i.e. express yourself. By suppressing ourselves, we suppress the production of value and, as a result, block the flow of money.
By expressing your emotions to your opponent, you will help him grow as well. At least he will think, what am I doing wrong and how can I change it?
It was a great insight for me that when you remain silent in situations that are unpleasant for yourself, you are robbing yourself and your opponent of life progress.
All these scandals in the family, showdowns with partners, all sorts of conflicts - they expose our destructive patterns of behavior and, through the pain of this situation, motivate us to correct them.
It turns out that by suppressing our feelings we do not bring benefit to others (without offending them), but on the contrary, we do them harm! We don’t let them see their destructive patterns and get the motivation to correct them.
And we steal from ourselves the opportunity to express ourselves. What does it mean to express yourself? Do what you love, put your interests first, achieve your goals, realize your desires, etc. This is in addition to what I described above: depression, illness, crime, etc.
In short, living and expressing your emotions is not harmful, but beneficial for everyone.
And here's another thing. Toichey has such a concept as the D-complex. It deserves a separate article, but here it is briefly.
Other people can express our suppressed feelings. For example, if your wife yells at you, you need to be grateful to her - she saves you from the consequences of suppression
