A manipulative person: signs, typical phrases, ways to deal with him

In 1990, the totalitarian religious sect “White Brotherhood” was formed in Kyiv. Its founders are Yuri Krivonogov and Maria Tsvigun. They convinced their followers to take over their houses, rob and deceive loved ones, and even went as far as murders and suicides. Surprisingly, they were able to captivate thousands of people in just 2-3 years. Their activities were recognized as extremist, and they were sentenced to prison. Psychotherapists worked with those members of the sect who were declassified for more than 2 years to rid them of personality disorders acquired under pressure from manipulators.

Krivonogov and Tsvigun are one of the brightest manipulators of our time. At the same time, history is full of other examples. Grigory Potemkin (favorite of Catherine II), V.I. Lenin, Mahatma Gandhi, Fidel Castro masterfully knew how to influence the minds and opinions of others - most political leaders are able to force the crowd to unconditionally believe them and follow them.

But they are all public figures, their activities are visible, and in this they are vulnerable. Much more dangerous is a manipulator with evil intentions who may be hiding in your environment, and you will not even know about it. Their impact is extremely rarely positive (parents force a child to study well, a doctor convinces a patient to give up drugs, a wife pushes her husband to grow his career). Most often, manipulation leads to destruction from within the individual who is in the zone of their influence - the so-called victim.

Who is a manipulator

Psychology gives the following definition: a manipulator is a person who seeks to change the behavior and consciousness of others in his own interests, using hidden, sometimes violent tactics. They are also called emotional-energy vampires, psychopaths, perverted narcissists. Let's look at a couple of examples.

A positive manipulator is a mother who wants to succeed as a parent and boast about her son’s successes at school, forcing him to study. She can use threats for this (swearing, raising her voice), blackmail (you won’t sit at the computer until you do your homework) and even assault (a belt is still an acceptable punishment in some families). The methods she uses are condemned in pedagogy, but initially she is guided by good goals.

A negative manipulator is a shopaholic wife whose goal is to extract as much money as possible from her husband for a new purchase. Her methods: hysterics, blackmail (if there is no fur coat, there will be no sex / I will divorce / I will take the children), flattery. Such women ruin a man financially and exhaust him mentally.

But the most terrible manipulators, which are found all the time, pursue only one goal - to assert themselves at the expense of a loved one. They cling to him like parasites, drain him morally to the very bottom, and then disappear in order to find a new victim. Therefore, it is so important to recognize such people in your environment and be able to repel them.

Energetic vampire

Often, manipulators not only receive the desired services from their victims, but also feed off their energy. When a person realizes that he is under the influence and cannot get out, he begins to try to fight. There is a sharp release of energy, which is what the “vampire” needs. And situations like this happen much more often than you might think. How to recognize a manipulative vampire?

Firstly, this person often causes irritation. At certain moments he is so infuriating that you want to kill him. After a while, he is loved and dear again. A manipulative vampire often plays on the feelings of his victim. For example, a husband says to his wife: “Look at you, who needs you like that.” These words cut to the core. On the one hand, the girl feels worthless and is unlikely to try to leave her husband, because she believes his words. On the other hand, her husband struck a chord with her, which means that energy has already begun to flow out.

More ways to recognize a manipulative vampire:

You feel confused.
After talking with a person, you have no strength.
You can't prove anything to him.
You feel inner emptiness after communicating with him.

Why do people become manipulators?

In psychology there is no consensus on this matter: researchers name different reasons, and they all have a place to be, because each individual case is unique.

Reason 1. Mistrust

This refers to distrust of yourself and everyone else. The manipulator is in constant conflict with himself, because he does not know what to expect from himself in the next minute. He transfers suspicions to others. As soon as a person important to him appears in his circle, his influence seems to tie him to himself, not giving him freedom. Full control provides him with at least some temporary peace of mind. This is Frederick Perls's point of view.

Reason 2. Power

The manipulator wants to gain unlimited power over others: it doesn’t matter whether it’s one person or a whole crowd. Through his actions, he forces them to do, feel and think only what HE wants and can control. This is Erich Fromm's point of view.

Reason 3. Powerlessness

A passive manipulator, admitting his own powerlessness, evokes pity for himself, and people, due to their gentle nature, fulfill his wishes. An active person, on the contrary, uses the helplessness of others in order to subjugate them to his will.

Reason 4. Approval of others

For this reason, a person with low self-esteem becomes a manipulator. His task is to gain the approval of everyone around him. Moreover, he often hates them, but he always smiles flatteringly, gives gifts, says compliments and by hook or by crook pretends to be the sweetest person. Ellis's point of view.

Reason 5. Fear of difficulties

There are people who are afraid to make responsible decisions and change their own lives. Their task is to avoid them, and this can be done through someone who is nearby and can provide them with the necessary comfort. Burn's point of view.

Among other reasons, psychologists identify:

market relations, when a person must manipulate others in order to save his business and remain competitive;
family relationships that the manipulator saw in childhood, for example, when the father forced the mother to fulfill his every whim;
the desire to play with the feelings of others, to make sure of one’s own worth.

In fact, psychological manipulation is a complex mechanism that most often cannot be explained by a single cause. They all go in one ball, sometimes turning a person into a real monster.

An example from life. One of the schools was reputed to be the best in the city: competent teachers, excellent education, high percentage of admission to universities. Everything was fine until the head teacher ended up in a psychiatric clinic. The conduct of her case revealed the reason for the school’s success: its director manipulated his deputy for 5 years. She was initially passive, driven and controlled (+ single mother), which he took advantage of: he put pressure on her through blackmail (I would fire her, deprive her of her salary and bonus, ruin her work record, expel her son). As it turned out, she did all the work at school both for him and for herself, and was convinced that everything she had achieved over the years was his merit.

The woman had to undergo a long rehabilitation course. Both psychologically, in order to get rid of the influence, and physically, since all these 5 years she worked without vacation and practically without days off, bringing herself to exhaustion and exhaustion.

The director also failed to avoid forced observation by psychologists. It was found that he did this for several reasons: comfort at the expense of another, submission of the powerless, a great desire to gain the approval of others. And most importantly, a serious personality disorder (hysterical along with passive-aggressive).

Who am I

People often worry that they themselves may be manipulators. And this is quite understandable. Probably every person at least once in his life tried to control another. But in reality, only a certain percentage do this intentionally and often enough. You should not define yourself in terms of just one action. Study all kinds of situations and draw a conclusion. For example, if you have ever eaten the last candy in the house without thinking about the wishes of others, it does not mean that you are selfish. But if this manifests itself in a variety of situations, and the wishes of your loved ones don’t bother you much – in general, yes. You think only about yourself and are selfish.

Signs

In order to promptly recognize a manipulator in your environment, you need to know his psychological portrait, typical phrases, characteristic gestures and what he looks like (this even affects his appearance).

Signs of a manipulative person:

speeds up relationships: in a matter of days, instills trust and fills the entire space;
is satisfied with total control: he chooses films, dishes, hobbies, even his partner’s underwear;
isolates: narrows the victim’s social circle to 1 person - himself;
plays: attacks of total control and uncontrollable jealousy are replaced by periods of tenderness and care in order to lull the victim’s vigilance;
uses: voice, gaze, physical strength, gestures;
condemns: always makes evil jokes and ridicules;
cultivates a feeling of guilt, due to which the victim is constantly in a state of stress;
neglects the victim’s condition: he does not care what she feels and thinks;
punishes: physically, lack of attention or sex, boycott, silent insult, tears, hysterics;
keeps him in constant tension: a meaningless little thing can make him angry and provoke a scandal;
does not enter into open conflicts, preferring that the victim starts a quarrel (he deliberately infuriates her for this).

This is a brief psychological description of the manipulator, which can be supplemented with various details. External signs by which it can be recognized:

first impression: it seems perfect;
looks good, well-groomed;
knows how to speak beautifully, does not skimp on compliments;
always makes eye contact;
prefers a classic style of clothing;
does not stand out from the crowd;
tries to violate personal space, to conquer it: he touches, touches his shoulder, takes his hand, while he lets him in rather reluctantly.

Typical phrases:

You are the same as everyone else.
Don't beat yourself up.
You got it all wrong.
I am who I am. I won't change.
I thought you loved me / ... you trust me / ... we are friends.
I already apologized - what else do you want from me?
All problems are because of men (because of women).
Let's avoid hysterics and drama.
What will people think of you?
It's impossible to talk to you.

However, most often the presence of a manipulator in life can be recognized not by his appearance, phrases or psychological portrait, but by the state of the victim. Unfortunately, dictators most often become those close to them, who so capture the will of the other that he cannot see them as an enemy. This could be parents (mom constantly calls and presses for pity that you should definitely come to her and help), older children (they extract money from mom and dad), a friend (regularly asks to do something for him, although he himself does not give anything in return), a loved one (forces you to stay at home because he is jealous of every pillar).

Signs that you have become a victim of a manipulator:

constant feeling of guilt;
frequent quarrels;
fear of angering or offending him;
state of stress and constant tension;
break in relationships with once close people, lack of friends;
lack of initiative, passivity in decision making;
complete trust only in him;
lack of career and personal growth;
he becomes the center of the universe.

And, according to psychologists, victims of manipulators often wear wide dark glasses and walk with their heads down.

Gender difference

Women and men are different not only externally, but also internally. And their methods of manipulation are also different. How to recognize a manipulative man? He is charming and funny. Most likely, he knows how to give compliments and look after you beautifully. He is self-confident, but at the same time gentle and affectionate.

Things change when you reciprocate his feelings. The fish is trapped in a cage and is unlikely to be able to jump out. Now she is a permanent victim. Often a man accuses a woman of stupidity, naivety, calls her names and insults her. Cases of physical violence are also common. And the male manipulator twists everything so successfully that after all this the girl also considers herself guilty.

It is not uncommon for a man to be a manipulator in a relationship. How to recognize it? If you often do things for him that you don't really want, that's probably true. Set clear boundaries in your relationship. Do not allow yourself to be insulted and offended. If you have children in your family, it is likely that when they grow up, they will also take on the role of victim.

How to recognize a manipulative woman? They are more cunning and resourceful. They have a lot of tricks in stock that will make an obedient boy out of any man. Some scientists believe that there are many more manipulative girls, and this model of behavior has been ingrained in them since childhood. It manifests itself in five different ways:

tears and hysteria;
through sex;
jealousy;
feeling of shame;
women's reproaches.

As a rule, women's manipulations are less noticeable and more successful. The main thing is that the man does not realize that he has been under his thumb for a long time.

Manipulation methods

Manipulative people use different methods to control others.

According to Breaker:

According to Simon:

aggressive anger;
declassing;
selective inattention;
false guilt, scare tactics;
lying or deception by omission;
minimization (denial of one’s own guilt + excuses);
victim blaming;
distraction (going away from the topic);
excuses;
negation;
shaming;
projection of guilt (blaming others);
rationalization (justification);
the roles of victim or servant;
feigning innocence or confusion;
hidden intimidation, threats;
seduction

Types

Everett Shostrom (American psychologist and psychotherapist) in his book “Anti-Carnegie, or the Manipulative Man” in 1992 presented a capacious description of this type of personality. Since then, the classification he proposed has been actively used in psychology.

Dictator/abbot/boss/superior

Dominants of behavior - controls, orders, subordinates. Does not recognize authorities other than himself. Makes you unquestioningly bow to him. He tends to exaggerate his own importance and strength. These are people with high self-esteem. Examples from history: Benito Mussolini, Joseph Stalin, Adolf Hitler.

Wimp / weakling / chameleon / fool / conformist

The opposite of a Dictator. His main weapon is excessive sensitivity, pleasing, flattery, passive silence. But all this is only external. Those around him underestimate him, pity him and fall for the bait, fulfilling all his desires, because they consider him weak and are trying to protect him. In fact, he simply knows how to use situations to his advantage.

Calculator / swindler / blackmailer / gambler / businessman

His methods are deception, lies, cunning. He scams people out of money, robs people like nothing, and disappears. Likes to keep the entire manipulation process under control, calculates everything in advance. Without benefit, he does not make contacts. Independent, lone wolf, does not have a permanent place of residence. Often he has problems with the Law. Examples from history: Victor Lustig (sold the Eiffel Tower), Frank Abagnale (robber and swindler), Mary Baker (impostor princess).

Clingy / parasite / dependent / whiner / hypochondriac / eternal child

The opposite of Calculator. He shows off his addiction too much. A driven personality who forces the victim to do everything for him, explaining that he is supposedly incapable of independence.

Bully / saw / hater / insulter

Manipulates with aggression and cruelty. He often uses physical force, since he does not know other methods of self-affirmation. He sees only the bad in those around him.

Nice guy/moralist/well-wisher

The opposite of a Bully. His task is to first disarm everyone with his kindness, care and love, and then they will not refuse him anything, because he is so nice. However, his goals are always selfish and he rarely thinks about others.

Judge / accuser / appraiser / avenger

His weapons are criticism, distrust, doubt. He is constantly dissatisfied, indignant, angry, because those around him break the rules (not necessarily public ones, he often sets them himself). It is he who will rummage through the victim’s pockets and phone, trying to prove that he was deceived. He clings to every little thing and doesn’t listen to excuses at all. He forgives rarely and with great difficulty.

Protector/comforter/student/helper/mother hen

The opposite of Judge. At first meeting, he seems to be an extremely positive person: supportive, comforting, protective. However, all this is nothing more than a weapon of psychological manipulation. In these ways, he convinces the victim that everyone around is unfair and offends her, only he understands and feels sorry. Sympathy beyond measure deprives one of independence, and this gives complete control over a person.

In psychotherapy, advanced cases of manipulators are serious diagnoses that require long-term work. The most commonly diagnosed personality disorders are:

narcissistic;
borderline;
anxious;
dependent;
hysterical;
passive-aggressive;
dissocial.

As well as Machiavellianism, nervousness and psychological addiction.

Altruism

How to recognize a manipulator? Believe me, there are incredibly few people who are ready to selflessly act for the benefit of others. And the chances that this is an altruist in front of you are very low. Most likely, this is a manipulator. It is he who is trying to show that he is an altruist. He can do things that he is not asked to do: give gifts, provide a variety of assistance.

The point is that such a cunning method puts a person under his subordination (especially a respectable one). One gets the impression that the manipulator has the kindest soul and helped you so much. Is it possible to refuse him anything now? This is what everything is designed for. A sense of duty prevents a decent person from saying a firm “no.”

Another trick of manipulators is lending money. Yes, he will happily do it, but sooner or later he will ask you for a small favor in return, and then another, and another. This will continue even after you repay the debt. But he helped you in difficult times? So you should too.

How to resist

To fight a manipulator, you need to at least see him in your environment, and at most, determine the type. Then you can develop the right strategy of behavior and get out of control. However, be prepared for the inevitable separation: as soon as he realizes that you have declassified him, he will go in search of another victim.

In terms of work, there is a risk of dismissal, but most often the boss-dictator simply switches to one of the other subordinates. But in personal life and family, everything is much more complicated: in 90% of cases, the war ends in separation, traveling to different apartments, if we are talking about parents and grown-up children, or divorce of spouses.

Here are some tips from psychologists on how to resist a manipulator, depending on its type:

The dictator needs to show that you are a full-fledged person who can fight back: argue with him, defend your point of view and do not show dependence on him.
The rag needs to be forced to act on his own, stop patronizing him, and ignore his touchiness and flattery.
It is better not to contact the Calculator at all, and if his actions indicate a violation of the Law, hand him over to the police.
Prilipal needs to be deprived of his help and support, forced to study on his own, live separately, and earn money on his own.
You need to leave the Bully if you cannot counter his strength with your own. Aggression can only break under the pressure of other aggression.
The nice guy cannot be trusted; his selfish goals must be exposed.
In response to claims against him, a judge can be accused of all mortal sins. This is the most effective tactic for dealing with him.
It is better to free yourself from the tutelage of the Protector as early as possible, so as not to become a lack of initiative plant, incapable of independence.

To resist a manipulator, you need to find the strength within yourself to do so. If a person has been in the role of a victim for more than one year, this becomes impossible due to psychological dependence and lack of independence of judgment. After all, they all obey only him alone.

Analysis of specific situations

A Rag colleague complains that today she will have to sit with documents until night again. How to react correctly: sympathize and advise drinking coffee to recharge your energy. What not to do: stay and help.

Note. In this case, we are talking specifically about a manipulative colleague. Because a normal person will openly ask for help.

The Nice Guy Friend has already repeatedly helped you in some (most often insignificant) matters: he gave you a ride home, bought you a pack of salt on the way to your place, gave advice in a difficult situation. And then one fine day he demanded to return the “favor” - to write a project at work or a diploma at the institute instead. After all, he helped you so often. How to react correctly: say that you have no time and are incompetent in these matters, and treat him with ice cream as payment of the “debt”. What not to do: put his problems on your shoulders.

Feelings of inferiority

The tricks of manipulators are not as simple as they might initially seem. In order to subjugate another person, you must initially “break” him. But more often than not, the manipulator finds a victim who already suffers from feelings of inferiority and self-doubt. If he meets a strong and strong-willed person, he will do everything to prevent her from being such. This is explained by the fact that it is difficult to force a person to do something. But if you press on his sore spot, everything will work out. Manipulators, like scanners, look for vulnerable spots and hit right to the point.

As a rule, they act quite unnoticed. The person does not have time to look back, and is already under his control. How to recognize a liar and manipulator and what to do next? If this situation happens to you, then you should act according to a specific plan:

Find out exactly how the manipulator exerts its influence.
Recognize it in your environment.
Learn to abstract yourself and protect yourself from it.