A child throws tantrums: what should parents do?

In the life of every parent, sooner or later there comes a time when he is faced with hysterics in a child. For some parents, this becomes a real problem: they do not understand what is the root cause of this child’s behavior and how to deal with it.

In this article we will try to understand the possible causes of children's tantrums, their symptoms, and also consider options for parental behavior in which the risk of children's hysterics can be reduced or even eliminated.

What is "hysteria"

Hysteria is a very vivid emotional reaction, which is accompanied by loud screaming, tears, and demonstrative behavior; a condition in which it is difficult for a child to calm down.

The reasons for this behavior can be completely different. They depend on the age of the child, the characteristics of the nervous system, the type of upbringing in the family, etc.

A child’s hysteria can occur in response to an insult, a parental demand that the child has no desire to fulfill, or in situations of unpleasant news.

It is very important that parents can distinguish hysteria from another state of the child, very similar to hysteria - whim.

Caprice is the desire of young children (mostly preschoolers) to achieve something forbidden, but very desirable, at this very moment in time.

Whims occur in almost all growing children and are not a cause for concern. They are safe for the child’s psyche. If the parent behaves correctly, they help the child understand and accept the boundaries of what is acceptable.

Doctor Komarovsky's opinion

A well-known doctor believes that a “spectator” is important for a child during a hysteria. This is a must. There is no spectator, no hysteria. The person who is most sensitive to the child’s behavior will definitely be chosen to play the role of spectator.

Komarovsky’s opinion somewhat contradicts the generally accepted opinion that when in a state of hysteria, a child cannot control himself. Evgeniy Olegovich claims that the child assesses the situation very well and everything he does during a hysteria is quite conscious.

The doctor advises the whole family to choose a single behavioral strategy - “not to pay attention and not to succumb to manipulation”, then the child will understand that hysteria is not an option and will stop using it in his behavior.

About how to wean a child from hysterics, Komarovsky E.O. says in this video:

Who has seizures more often?

According to psychologists, not all children experience hysterical seizures. The frequency and strength of an emotional outburst depends on the type of temperament and the type of higher nervous activity:

1. Melancholic people. These children have a weak nervous system, increased anxiety, and often change their mood. Hysterics occur frequently, but due to the weakness of the central nervous system they return to normal more quickly.
2. Sanguines. Children with this type of nervous activity usually have a good mood. Hysterics can occur under severe stress. But this rarely happens.
3. Cholerics. These children have an unbalanced character and show strong emotional outbursts. Hysterical attacks are sudden, but manifest themselves with aggression.
4. Phlegmatic people. At 4 years old, these children have calm behavior and reasonableness. Inhibition prevails over excitement, so there are practically no hysterics.

This behavior usually appears in melancholic and choleric people. But if you know the psychological subtleties, you can quickly restore a normal state.

Causes

When examining the causes of children's tantrums, most psychologists agree that the most common are the following:

"Pay attention to me!"

In the modern world, mothers make high demands on themselves and place too much responsibility on themselves: every day they need to complete a number of household chores, have time to work as a freelancer, pay attention to their husbands, take time for themselves... In such a series of events, mothers quite often try to find an independent activity for a child.

Sooner or later, the child realizes that he is “standing in line” for his mother’s attention. Of course, this state of affairs does not suit him and then he unleashes a series of unreasonable, from the mother’s point of view, hysterics. In the manifestation of such hysterics, one can read his words: “Remember me! I'm here! I want your love, care and attention!”

"What if…"

Often, with his hysterics, a child tests the boundaries of what is permitted. Through trial and error, he understands: what is possible and what is not, where is good and where is evil. Through probing the boundaries, knowledge of the world occurs. This is fine. This process is a natural component of the interaction between parent and child.

“I can’t, no way!”

The inability to restrain negative emotions and cope with them independently in the process of acquiring new skills is one of the main reasons for children's tantrums. The child wants to get the final, final result of his actions of some nature as quickly as possible (sculpting a certain figure, cutting out a circle, drawing a tree) and if there is no such result, be hysterical! You must understand that at such moments he is really very upset and this problem covers all the thoughts and feelings of the little person.

“Today you can, tomorrow not!”

In cases where parental behavior is inconsistent, when there is no clear and understandable system of restrictions, the child is at a loss and does not understand how to behave. He cannot choose the right landmark. In such situations, hysteria becomes the child’s ally and helps him.

"I'm tired"

If a child is planning a difficult and eventful day (lots of outdoor games, holidays and birthdays, long trips), the risk of hysterics at the end of such a day is very high.

“It hurts me! And give me something to drink!”

Any physical discomfort such as hunger, thirst, pain can cause a child to become hysterical.

"When there is too much love!"

When parents do not see boundaries in their care for the child, and smother the child with their love and care, children begin to resist this. And the main weapon in this battle for the child becomes hysteria. This is especially evident during crisis periods of age.

Respect your child's personal boundaries! With the “Where are my children” application, you will always know where your child is and what is happening with him, without unnecessary calls and SMS.

Help your child express feelings

Name feelings. This is probably the basis for all other options. Hysteria is when you can't control your feelings. Therefore, by naming the child’s feelings, we make them smaller, give them a “name,” and therefore set boundaries. "You're angry. You offended. You’re sad,” and now the child already feels supported.

“Is this a small problem, a medium problem, or a big problem?” Just one question really helped me show my daughter that there are things that are easy to fix and not worth worrying too much about. There are things that require help or patience, and there are things that are sometimes impossible to cope with, but they can be overcome. The child's psyche is very plastic, and sometimes it is much easier for children to cope with disappointment than for adults.

“How angry are you?” This question gives the child the opportunity to express his feelings in physical form, and therefore release them.

“If I had a magic wand...” Sometimes it is important for children to feel that their desires are valuable and important for their mother and that it all depends on external circumstances. “If I could conjure soup right now, you and I would walk again and again, but I don’t have a magic wand, I’ll have to go home and cook it. Who do you think has magic wands? The kid gets distracted and goes home. Although not always, of course!

“What does your anger feel like?” Another variation of expressing your “huge” feelings on a human scale. “Is your anger like a hurricane? Noooo? Maybe a small bird that squeaks? Also no-no? Or maybe on a draco-o-she?! Three-headed!”

Tell about yourself. A good way for older children is to tell them how you were little and how hurt you were too when this happened. For example, “you know, when I was also three years old, my mother always took me away from the playground, but I wanted so much, I wanted so much to play more. And I also sat down and cried. It’s a shame, isn’t it?”

We, firstly, show the child his emotions, secondly, we say that we understand them, and, thirdly, we divide all this emotional burden into two.

Record complaints. In fact, the biggest challenge is dealing with a child's tantrum. Many people know about containment - a mother’s ability to “contain” children’s emotions. So, if the container is full and you feel that you are starting to get wound up, there is a way: bring a piece of paper with a pen and tell yourself that you will not absorb the child’s feelings now, but put them on the sheet.

- Why are you crying? It's a shame?

- Yeees…

- Okay, let’s write it down: it’s offensive.

Talk honestly. There are many ways to calm young children, but it is worth recognizing that older ones have tantrums too. And then, of course, it is important to honestly find out the reasons for the hysteria. And not reasons, but reasons. For example, the fact that a child does not want to get up early for school can only be a reason, and the reason will be that classmates are calling them names. Or vice versa.

Symptoms

The most common symptoms of hysteria in children are loud crying and screaming, which is accompanied by tension in muscle tone throughout the body.

Then, impulsive and chaotic movements take place, palms clenched tightly into fists (knocking on walls, tables, floors).

If an adult tries to physically influence a child at this moment, he receives blows, bites, and scratches in response.

After this, sudden movements subside. The baby is crying. There are a lot of tears. The muscles relax. Signs of fatigue appear.

Manifestations of hysteria also include: teeth biting (for example, furniture upholstery), hitting the head against the wall and floor, falling and “stomping” feet. Severe tantrums can lead to convulsions and respiratory arrest.

After this, children often complain of headaches, pain from bruises, and nausea.

Diagnostics

Parents should understand that tantrums are just one of the signs of crisis stages in a child’s development.

Often, the parent independently (intuitively) selects the most harmonious way to help the child with hysterics.

When should you seek help from specialists:

• during or after a hysteria, the child stops or holds his breath for a long time,
• he loses consciousness, is subject to sudden mood swings,
• harms others and/or oneself,
• experiencing pain and nausea,
• experiences fears and nightmares.

In addition, if hysterics end with the child’s extreme fatigue or severe lethargy, then the parent should not ignore this and should consult with specialists (psychologists, neurologists, psychotherapists, etc.).

Stages

Hysteria in children usually follows a similar scenario and consists of several stages. Each of them exhibits its own symptoms, which you need to know, as this will allow you to quickly eliminate the attack:

1. Harbingers. First, the child expresses displeasure. For example, he whines, sniffles, is silent for a long time, or clenches his fists. At this time, hysterical behavior can be prevented.
2. Voice. Children usually start screaming, and loudly. Demands to stop doing this will be futile.
3. Motor. Active actions occur - throwing things, stomping, rolling on the ground or floor. This phase is especially dangerous, as it can lead to injury, and the child does not feel anything.
4. Final. After “discharge”, children seek consolation from their parents. They get tired because the emotional shock takes a lot of energy.

Exhausted children quickly fall asleep, and their sleep will be deep. If you know how to stop a child’s hysterics, you can prevent all of these stages.

Hysteria of children at different age periods

Some children may experience tantrums even at the age of nine months, but most often the onset of children's hysterics occurs when the child is one and a half years old. Due to his age, the baby is unable to control his emotions. His speech is not yet developed at the proper level in order to express and explain his thoughts, feelings, and desires.

At 2 years old, a child often resorts to tantrums to attract the attention of adults. In doing so, he uses:

• screams;
• lying and rolling on the floor (especially in crowded places);
• stubbornness.

This behavior is quite natural, since the emotional system of a child of this age has not yet matured.

We can observe especially vivid attacks of hysterics in three-year-olds. During this special, crisis period, hysterics are expressed in completely different ways, but they are united by strong stubbornness, negativism and strong self-will.

At this age, the child does not have the ability to compromise. The method of manipulation is mastered. If a three-year-old managed to manipulate his parents with hysteria once, then in the future he will actively use this tactic.

As the child grows up, his knowledge of the world around him expands, and he no longer feels the urgent need to resort to hysterics. By the age of four, communication skills are quite well developed, and the child increasingly chooses the “eco-friendly” - verbal way to tell the parent about his feelings and desires.

If hysterics continue after four years, this is a serious reason to reconsider the education system and seek help from specialists.

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Raising children, by definition, is not an easy task. Parents understand this literally from the first days of their baby’s life. But when faced with a child’s hysteria for the first time, they may feel their complete “pedagogical” powerlessness.

And only a few know (or understand intuitively) that their behavior at such moments determines how the child’s personality will develop further. Will he adopt this “method” as an effective means of manipulation and achieve what he wants, or will he learn to conduct a meaningful and calm dialogue.

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When are tantrums good?

It’s hard to believe, but tantrums also have a positive component, both for the child and the parent:

1. With the help of hysterics, including tears, the child gets rid of tension and stress.
2. The release of suppressed emotions during a hysteria helps to normalize the emotional state and sleep.
3. If a child shows you his feelings openly (through a tantrum), this indicates some kind of trust between you.
4. Through hysterics, a child learns to probe the boundaries of what is permitted.
5. After the hysteria ends (if the adult does not try to stop it), the child “reads” the parent’s unconditional acceptance and subsequently begins to feel more trust in him.

Further actions

It should be understood that work with the child begins after the hysteria ends. It must be dealt with consistently if you do not want to repeat this behavior. It is important to teach your child socially established ways of expressing feelings. It is advisable to do this with the help of role-playing games or reading special literature - fairy tales and poems.

It is also necessary to explain to children that they cannot always get what they want. They must understand that what they want cannot be achieved by screaming, crying, or kicking their legs. Parents must show that they are upset by this behavior.

Children's tantrums often become a habit. Therefore, it will not be possible to quickly get rid of the problem. In addition, the duration of retraining depends on the child’s temperament. It will be most difficult for choleric people.

What should parents do?

How to calm a child during a tantrum

1. Try to prevent the onset of hysteria. Especially if you already have experience with your child’s tantrum, you can “calculate” the risks and prevent its occurrence in advance.
2. You should not try to stop a hysteria with severity, shouting or using physical violence. If your child does not harm himself or others during a tantrum, you can say that you are waiting until he calms down so you can talk. You should speak calmly, not loudly, but confidently.
3. If you haven’t had time to understand what exactly led to the hysteria, try asking leading questions: “Are you scared?!”, “Are you hurt?!”, “Do you want...?!”
4. Hug your child. He will feel safe, understand that he is not alone and that they will help him.

Treatment of hysterics

If all your efforts to prevent tantrums do not work and the child’s condition only worsens from time to time, you should seek help from specialists.

At the very beginning of your journey, it is better to consult a psychologist. If working with a psychologist does not bring results, then the psychologist himself can recommend other specialists, or you can make this decision yourself. A neurologist and psychotherapist, if indicated, can prescribe medication. But in the conditions of modern medicine, before starting treatment, try to consult with different specialists, listen to different points of view, and only after that make an informed decision regarding medications.

Why do they appear?

To determine how to stop a child's tantrum, you should know why it appears. The solution to the problem depends on what is the provoking factor of this behavior. This usually arises from conflicts in parent-child relationships. It is important to take into account the age characteristics of children.

Hysterical behavior occurs for the following reasons:

1. If the child is still small, he has a small vocabulary. Therefore, he will react to a conflict reaction with hysterics. How to stop tantrums in a 1 year old child? Usually at this age, mothers can eliminate this condition themselves by telling the baby something interesting or getting him interested in a toy.
2. An undesirable reaction occurs when parents refuse to comply with the child’s request. This often appears when a child begs to buy a toy.
3. Negative behavior occurs after the appearance of younger sisters or brothers in the family. In this way, children want to attract the attention of their parents, which indicates jealousy.
4. A hysterical state appears due to overwork, for example, during the day the child had a lot of things to do and was simply tired. How to stop a 1.5 year old child from hysterics? It is necessary to calm him down and let him rest.
5. Hysteria can occur when you do not want to be distracted from your favorite activity. For example, a child is playing in the yard, and his mother calls him home.
6. These attacks are associated with malaise. If a child still speaks poorly, it is difficult for him to say how he is feeling.

It turns out that any hysteria has its own reasons. A 3-year-old child does not want to anger his parents; he himself may be frightened by an attack. Therefore, the correct reaction to children's behavior is necessary.

Duration

The crisis does not begin exactly when the child turns seven. Its onset cannot be attributed to the first day of school. In reality, everything is much more complicated.

Preparation for school begins early, and by the end of kindergarten, classes become more difficult and teachers become more demanding. The child feels changes and increasing pressure, so the first mental preconditions may arise at the age of five or six years. However, there is another category of children who begin to realize the severity of the new burden after school begins.

Everyone comes to a state of crisis when the psyche gives an adequate response to the difficulties that have arisen. Symptoms develop slowly, and the child copes with the new responsibility also gradually. Psychologists say that this age crisis lasts about 6-9 months. But the duration of the transitional stage in growing up depends on the individual characteristics of the baby.

Content

• Essence and features
• Causes
• Symptoms of crisis in a 7 year old child
• Duration
• How to cope: advice to parents from psychologists
• Consequences

Each leap in physical and psychological growth in children is accompanied by a special transition period - a crisis.
At seven years old, the child reaches the next stage of development. A preschooler becomes a schoolchild, and his social status changes. New responsibilities appear, adults begin to make other demands, and the daily routine becomes different. The psyche experiences a shock, which is accompanied by worries, a change in habitual behavior, and difficulties with communication. Therefore, in developmental psychology, children have a crisis of 7 years. When games change to active learning, the social circle changes and a different social role is formed, the child becomes disobedient, stubborn, and irritable. Signs of a mental crisis can appear between the ages of five and eight years. To help correctly overcome this difficult stage and take a new social position, parents must recognize the crisis in time and respond to it correctly.

How to stop a child's tantrum

If the moment is missed and the hysteria has already begun, it is important to remain calm and firm. Do not yell at the child, do not use force under any circumstances - this will not calm the baby, but will only inflame him even more, and will also add a fair amount of negativity and difficulties to your relationship with him. A shout or a slap in the face has never had a calming effect on anyone.

If objective reasons (hunger, thirst, fatigue, etc.) have been eliminated or are not relevant to the situation, you have talked with the child, but he is pushing himself, demanding something specific, trying to manipulate and press for pity, do not let him achieve his. Don’t react, go about your business, leave the child alone with his emotions. From the outside it may seem that this is too cruel, but remember - hysterics always require spectators. Of course, you should not ignore the child’s condition; keep an eye on him and do not allow him to harm himself. But in a situation where your presence adds fuel to the fire, and the child is able to control himself enough not to get hurt, sometimes it makes sense to leave him alone and let him calm down.

When the baby came to his senses, you should not blame him for the way he behaved. Be calm and neutral. If you think it necessary, you can discuss with your child what led to such a violent reaction, but do not scold or punish for an emotional breakdown. On the other hand, even if you are upset about how bad it was for your child and feel guilty about it, do not give in to this feeling, do not make up for your imaginary shortcomings with gifts and entertainment. This way you will create a dangerous logical connection “hysteria - reward” in the baby’s mind, which will lead to problems in the future.

If tantrums occur regularly, continue after 3-4 years, are too violent and exhausting, with consequences in the form of problems with appetite, sleep, long periods of bad mood, then it probably makes sense to consult with specialists, primarily a neurologist and psychologist.

Remember that tantrums are a temporary phenomenon; the first years of a child’s life rarely pass without them. It is important that you are close, that your relationship is built on deep trust. Teach your child to express his feelings and emotions, inspire him that you will always love and accept him. Communicate, spend time together and be sensitive to your child’s condition, this will help you overcome any difficulties together.