- How does manipulation differ from ordinary social influence?
- Who are manipulators?
- How to detect a manipulator?
- Why do we fall for the bait of a manipulator?
- How to resist a manipulator?
It can be difficult to understand that you are being manipulated - that is, they are secretly managing you in their own interests, without regard for yours.
.
However, even if you have discovered the manipulator's intentions, resisting him may not be easy. Why does this happen and how can you prevent other people’s problems from being solved at your expense? In this article we will talk about how to recognize a manipulator and his techniques, as well as how to resist him .
How does manipulation differ from ordinary social influence?
The term "manipulation" in psychology has a broad interpretation depending on the field in question. For the purposes of this article, we mean by this word the veiled, deceptive influence of one person on another
;
the desire to force someone to do something in a hidden way, regardless of the needs, feelings, interests, and rights of another person. In fact, in any relationship, people influence each other. Unlike manipulation, healthy influence has a more positive connotation because it leaves room for your wants and needs
.
For example, you were asked for something - you agreed, or refused, or came to a compromise. In addition, close people influence each other because they want to see family and friends healthy emotionally and physically and act for their benefit. An example is friends encouraging you to give up bad habits. Let us leave aside how legitimate and necessary such an action is. The goal itself is important - formally positive, aimed specifically at you. This is the qualitative difference between influence and manipulation: the manipulator acts for the benefit only of himself
.
Manipulation differs from healthy influence by the intention to take without giving in return.
Tips for refusal
How to communicate with a manipulative woman at work? It is believed that the professional sphere is precisely the environment in which you can most often meet people of this type. Let's look at some tips that work great when you need to fight back:
- Don't hide your dissatisfaction or irritation with a request or demand. Don’t be afraid to seem outraged or extremely dissatisfied with the state of affairs. By showing your real feelings, you make it clear to your interlocutor that you are unpleasant about his invasion of your territory. You can openly express your emotions with phrases: “this makes me angry,” “I shouldn’t do this,” and so on.
- Say “no” clearly and give a brief explanation for your answer.
- Offer the manipulator your solution to his problem. And preferably without your help.
- Listen calmly to your opponent's demands, and then take a long pause. Let him express himself fully.
- Repeat your refusal again. And then say the action that you are not going to do. In this case, there is a high probability that this information will reach the interlocutor.
How to communicate with a manipulator - man or woman - is quite clear. Unfortunately, most people are so open that they are not always able to fight back. In this case, it is worth working on yourself in order to understand that you are obliged to do only those things that benefit you.
Who are manipulators?
The attractiveness of manipulative techniques is obvious - when used correctly, they allow you to get your way from someone who does not really want to fulfill your wishes.
Consciously or not,
many of us resort to such means from time to time
. The simplest example is “If you don’t do this, then you don’t love me at all!” Or, for example, you can put a person in such a position that it will be inconvenient for him to refuse your request, although he has absolutely no time to deal with your affairs.
On the other hand, there are people for whom manipulation is one of the main patterns of behavior
. Even where one could simply ask, they use various techniques to achieve the goal in a hidden way. As a rule, such behavior speaks of deep internal problems of the individual, but this does not make dealing with her any more pleasant.
One example of a “chronic” manipulator is a person with victim syndrome. In fact, such a person does not want to change anything in life (even if he declares the opposite), but uses his position to force others
do what she needs.
Manipulators use different techniques, have different characteristics and behave differently. They can be both men and women; both young people and older people. It is known that children understand very early how to manipulate their parents. In this article we will not touch upon issues of childhood and upbringing and will focus on how to resist manipulation by adults. But first, a little more information about manipulators: how to recognize them and why we fall for their tricks.
"I need…"
Say directly what you want from the manipulator: “I need you to stop insulting me,” “I need you to talk to me calmly,” “I need you to take care of this yourself.”
When you start by telling the manipulator “I need it,” this is a strong counter to their tactics. You are simultaneously saying no to what the manipulator wants and replacing it with what you want instead.
“It’s better for me now...” is another way of saying what you need and refusing the manipulator’s requests. When dealing with such a person, it is best to focus on your own needs. You give up what the manipulator needs and replace it with your own needs.
How to detect a manipulator?
If you suspect someone of being a chronic manipulator, take a closer look at their behavior and communication style. Pay attention to how this person behaves with different people and in different situations. As a rule, our behavior in society varies only slightly depending on the circumstances: with friends we are more relaxed, with strangers we are more formal, but we still remain ourselves. Many manipulators are often less balanced
: They can yell at the cleaning lady and five minutes later have an impeccably polite conversation with the boss.
The action plan of the classic “gray eminence” boils down to the following:
- He gets close to you to discover your weaknesses
. The most common victims are people who doubt themselves and are emotionally vulnerable. - This person's main goal is to use your weaknesses against you in order to provoke a strong emotional reaction
. When overwhelming emotion overshadows common sense, the victim becomes easy to control. - When the manipulator understands how to put pressure on you, make you feel sorry for you, etc., he begins to regularly use appropriate techniques
.
Don't say anything at all
Manipulators love to use drama. If they can make you anxious and angry, afraid or sad, they think they have won. Stay calm, control your breathing and focus on your body. Feel a feeling of tightness in your chest, shoulders, neck and abdomen. Try to relax these muscles when you look into your manipulator's eyes.
Some may find this difficult. Your calmness can infuriate the manipulator. Resist the urge to respond in kind. Your manipulator will quickly realize that he is unable to change your emotions and will move on to another, easier target.
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Why do we fall for the bait of a manipulator?
As mentioned above, manipulative techniques are built on our weaknesses, which evoke strong emotions.
(positive or negative). Good manipulators subtly notice such weaknesses and use them against us.
One of the effective levers is guilt.
Parents especially often put pressure on him in relation to children.
Another technique is related to the fact that we do not want to offend other people, we try to meet them halfway, or we worry about what others will think of us. The fact that all people instinctively seek approval and encouragement from society
, even if they don’t admit it to themselves. This desire is inherent in nature - it was more difficult for isolated subjects to survive, and our ancestors felt safer being part of a group. Now we also feel secure when we know that we can rely on someone from our family, school or work group, religious movement, or hobby club. And this makes us a target for manipulation. For example, we feel uncomfortable refusing a colleague or someone who sang our praises, after which we subconsciously want to earn even more approval.
People who are insecure often fall under the influence of manipulators. In such cases, adequate self-esteem will be the best weapon
Reject his assessment of your emotional state
The manipulator is usually trying to tell you how you feel. Don't let him dictate your emotions. You control your own emotional response. The manipulator uses tactics of talking about how you feel to make you defensive by showing anger, fear, or sadness. You always have the choice to be positive, happy and joyful, even when you are dealing with such a person.
How to communicate with manipulators and avoid their influence?
Here are some tips on how to behave with those who are trying to use manipulative techniques on you.
Don't forget your rights
Remember that you, like other people, have rights
:
- getting what you paid for;
- have a different opinion from others and express it openly;
- receive respectful treatment;
- express your feelings;
- protect yourself from physical and emotional abuse;
- set your own priorities.
It is important not only to remember this in words, but also to firmly believe in these rights and defend them.
Keep your distance
If you are not connected to the manipulator by work relationship or other obligations, then you should not maintain communication with him
– it drains you, harms your self-esteem and mood. The reasons why people become chronic manipulators are often complex and can be related to a range of issues. You are unlikely to be able to influence the subject's behavior or change anything about him without his consent, so you shouldn't try.
Healthy skepticism won't hurt
The manipulator’s favorite technique is to provide you with an unnecessary or insignificant service and demand much more in return.
. Therefore, it is important to learn to recognize attempts to gain their trust in the early stages. Such attempts vary from person to person, so the best recipe is not to take the word for everything you are told and maintain a healthy skepticism.
Manipulators also like to shower the potential victim with a lot of compliments.
. If you hear excessive flattery directed at you, you can respond: “That’s very nice of you, but I don’t feel like I’ve done anything to deserve such wonderful words.”
Avoid self-blame
Feeling guilty is a very convenient trick to get you to do what they want you to do. Don't let remorse cloud your critical thinking
, and ideally,
don’t take words personally at all and don’t be tormented by guilt or shame
. Remember, the problem is not you: it’s up to the manipulator to make you feel bad, because this way it’s easier to control you.
Manipulators try to make their problem your problem.
Analyze relationships
Consider your relationship with a potential manipulator and ask yourself:
- Do I feel good interacting with this person?
- Do they treat me with respect or just pretend?
- In this relationship, am I receiving something or am I just giving?
- Are this person's requests logical from a common sense point of view?
Questions like this will help you analyze your relationship
and understand how healthy they are and whether there is room for manipulation.
Don't let yourself go beyond
Establish for yourself a clear algorithm of action in case of violations of personal boundaries
. When someone raises their voice at you, you have every right to say: “If our conversation continues in a raised voice, I will have to leave. Unfortunately, I can't talk to you when you're screaming." Or offer a peaceful way to end the conversation: “If we both calm down, we can continue the conversation in a calm tone, and this day will not be overshadowed by negative emotions.”
Change your focus
When a manipulator imposes an unreasonable request on you, it is sometimes useful to focus on your opponent and ask him a few questions
. This, on the one hand, will show the interlocutor that you saw manipulation in the request, on the other hand, it will allow you to understand whether the person has enough self-awareness to assess the failure of the scheme. Eg:
- “Does this seem reasonable to you?”
- “Does my opinion on this matter mean anything?”
- "What will I get in exchange?"
- "Do you really want me to do this?" In this matter, it is worth
reformulating the requirement to expose the absurdity of the request. For example, a colleague asks you to make small changes to a report in order to present your own work to your superiors in a more favorable light and receive a bonus. In this case, it would be appropriate to ask: “Do you really want me to provide false information and risk being fired?”
When you ask such questions, you are practically saying in plain text that you see right through a person’s techniques. For many, this is a clear signal that their schemes will not work.
, and they retreat.
However, some manipulators - including sociopaths, narcissists, etc. - they can still insist on their own. The fact is that they may not actually be aware of the flaws in the proposed plan
due to existing mental problems (for example, in the case of sociopaths and narcissists, this may be a pathological inability to understand the feelings, emotions and needs of other people). The best advice in this case is to minimize communication.
Become a leader, not a follower
Manipulators like to rush and demand answers/results as quickly as possible.
. Instead of agreeing/complying with the request right now, just say what you'll think about. This way you will kill two birds with one stone: you will not only gain time, but also gain control over the situation. This will mess things up for the person who was deliberately creating a power imbalance to take advantage of you.
If, after deliberation, you come to the conclusion that it is not profitable for you to comply with someone else’s request, proceed to the next step.
Resist demands
Psychological manipulators make certain demands that the victim meet their needs. If the demand is unreasonable, ask the manipulator a few questions:
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- Does the demand seem reasonable and fair to him?
- Do you have a say in this situation?
- Are you asked or given instructions?
- What do you get out of it?
What can be done about this?
So, what to do if a manipulative girl crosses your path in life? Based on a number of signs, it is quite easy to recognize such a person. And I will say more: there is a type of man who is completely satisfied with this attitude. Then there is no need to change anything. We all sometimes enjoy something to which we are addicted. But if you don’t like this kind of antics, you need to correct it. What can be done:
- Have a conversation. Do not experience or show unnecessary emotions. You will have to openly discuss and show your dissatisfaction to your partner. It is imperative to provide examples from your relationships, as well as solutions to the identified problem that suit you. I do not rule out that it will turn out that she does this unconsciously, not on purpose.
You recognize this when communicating. Then it will be even easier for her to change her mind. - Stop reacting. Ignore. And cultivate will and patience. Without finding a response, the woman will simply get tired of playing these kinds of games with you, and she will automatically begin to look for more convenient ways to interact with you.
- Give what you want. Sometimes whims begin because of your mistakes. Constantly being ignored can also cause negative reactions. You yourself understand and realize whether she has enough attention, affection, love. If it's your fault, maybe you should give her what she wants.
Introvert's reaction
It is believed that extroverts are mainly guilty of manipulation. And the hardest thing for them is to conduct a dialogue with introverts. It is difficult for them to be in the same room with them, and communication sometimes becomes unbearable. This is your weapon! You can remain silent for a long time before responding to the manipulator. Make a mysterious appearance and smile slightly, then pause for a longer time. Also remain silent for the next phrase. The manipulator must see that you are listening to him; there is no need to look around while talking to him. Concentrate on the conversation. After some time, state that you completely agree with the opinion of your interlocutor, but such a complex topic requires time to think about. Sooner or later, the manipulator will lose patience with communicating with the introvert and will find a victim with whom it will be easier to negotiate.
You are afraid of both distance and closeness
The fear of abandonment works very simply. He appears in the Next phase. When a person moves away from you, you are afraid, and you realize this fear.
Important! In many ways, your inability to forget about him now is precisely the manifestation of this fear, although sometimes it may seem to you that this is the personification of some kind of great warm feelings for this person. But this is fear.
The subconscious fear of intimacy, in turn, is a more insidious and subtle thing.
It manifests itself in the early stages of the Closer phase, and this is how it works.
It should be noted that many people would be very uncomfortable with the attention of their romantic partner falling on them at the very beginning of a relationship. Moreover, even if a person has healthy self-esteem.
If he has just met someone, and the new acquaintance immediately begins to pour a whole tub of attention onto his head, this causes a feeling of discomfort, and perhaps even mixed with skepticism.
How can it be that at the very beginning of a relationship, a newly made boyfriend provides so much attention? Why on earth? It's either he has such low self-esteem that he feels forced to provide so much attention, or it's a manipulative tactic.
This suffocates many, but not you
Regardless of whether it is manipulation or just stuffiness and clinginess, for most people this behavior is a no-no, and it will cause discomfort, and very quickly. They will be inclined not to continue such a relationship.
Attention! But you, since you have a subconscious fear of intimacy, will be able to continue only such relationships in which such attention will be poured on you.
The usual amount of attention is not enough for you. You need to receive confirmation over and over again that you are desired, and only then will you allow yourself to start getting closer to the person. And if someone approaches you without so much attention, because of your fear of intimacy, you won’t even be able to... get closer to this person!
So it turns out that the people you get close to are either insecure or manipulators.
