Crises of family life by year: brief description and advice from psychologists

All couples standing on the threshold of the registry office hope for a long and happy marriage and are confident that betrayal, quarrels, and especially divorce will not affect them. However, the cruel statistics are inexorable: in Russia in 2017, 1 million marriages were officially registered, and more than 600 thousand broke up. Psychologists carefully study these figures. Since the middle of the 20th century, they have been collecting and summarizing them, highlighting the most turning points - the so-called crises of family life, when the likelihood of a divorce process is maximum.

Today, family psychology has extensive data on this issue. This allows spouses to be warned about upcoming difficulties at one stage or another and to prepare for them. In the future, this should reduce the number of divorces. If you feel that something has changed in your relationship with your significant other, you may simply be in the state of one of these crises.

What it is

According to psychology, a family crisis is a state in a couple when homeostasis (self-regulation aimed at maintaining internal constancy and dynamic balance within the system) is disrupted, and this leads to frustration (dissatisfaction). Usually the impetus is some new situation that cannot be resolved using the usual model of behavior.

Example. The crisis of the first year of family life is most often associated with the birth of a child, which is the very impetus. Spouses can no longer maintain homeostasis (as before, visiting guests, traveling, just watching TV in the evenings), i.e., internal balance is disturbed. The wife is in a state of frustration because her husband is not helping her. He, in turn, is dissatisfied due to the lack of attention on her part. Habitual models of behavior no longer work: if previously the negativity of a quarrel could be extinguished by conversation, reconciliatory sex, or a conversation with a friend, now the problem has to be solved in other ways.

Over the years, experts have collected information about exactly what stage of the life cycle family crises occur at, and this allowed them to create several classifications.

How to live further?

Even in a situation where there is no way out in sight, there are many ways to solve the crisis. If you are still wondering what to do, answer yourself honestly a few questions. Do I want to stay in this relationship out of love, out of comfort, out of guilt?

Do they make me stronger? Are they creative? If you still want to continue this relationship, then you need to go through this crisis together and be ready to work hard. The process of change is long and exhausting.

How to overcome the crisis:

Remember, mutual understanding in marriage is the most important thing;
Try to create a cozy and warm environment in your home so that you always want to return there;
Despite the fact that time passes, try to remain the same as he met and loved you;
Don't be jealous of his friends and hobbies;
Spend time separately;
Never turn children against their father;
Be compliant when it comes to minor things. Let him decide for himself;
Remember, the happiest couples are those who talk a lot;
Do not think that he can read your thoughts, understands your gestures and knows in advance all your desires;
In case of a quarrel, if you are wrong, accept criticism and admit your mistakes;
Never humiliate your husband and do not belittle his importance in your life;
Take courage and change your life 180 degrees, appreciate what you have;
Consciously avoid the language of reproaches and misunderstandings, do not immerse yourself in insults and accusations, behave with dignity and respect your man;
Find a common hobby or business;
Travel and spend more time alone.

And if you have already decided to change the system, remember that this is your joint decision and accept the changes into your life. You can make titanic efforts, but you will never be able to change someone else. Take a relationship crisis as a signal that it’s time for change. As in the song: “Change, change is what our hearts demand...” It is impossible to plan the result, but action is better than inaction, be patient. Learn to love and be happy!

Classifications

Regulatory crises

The main current classification of family crises is named after the famous American psychotherapist Virginia Satir. She calls them normative and identifies 10 main problematic issues that every couple faces:

Birth of the first child.
A child's acquisition of speech.
His admission to school.
His teenage period, which overlaps with his parents' midlife crisis.
“Empty nest” syndrome – children leaving the family.
Children creating their own families.
My wife's menopause.
Decreased libido in husband.
Mastering new roles - grandparents.
Death of one of the spouses.

It is easy to see that the first normative crises are based on growing up and raising a child. The viability of this classification is proven by statistics: couples who do not have children either divorce in the first 3 years, or continue to live and never break up (after 3 years of marriage, divorce in such families is only 5%). This suggests that they do not have to live through most of the difficulties highlighted by Virginia Satir and associated specifically with children.

Non-normative crises

Psychologists Eidemiller and Justitskis identify other crises in family life that are associated with unfavorable living conditions and problems that arise at different stages. These include:

illness of one of the spouses;
socio-economic processes (financial crisis, war);
adultery;
conflicts with other people;
housing problems;
change in the social status of one of the spouses;
excessive load;
state of divorce;
domestic violence;
adoption, guardianship.

Non-normative crises can overtake a family at any period of life and even overlap one another, which aggravates an already precarious situation.

Relationship crisis 8 years of marriage

Married couples who did not suffer the seven-year crisis or those who drew the wrong conclusions from it, and family life did not change, are faced with an 8-year relationship crisis. Because in essence, the reasons and problems of this stage are similar to the previous one:

routine;
household goods;
lack of romance;
irregular sex or its complete absence.

Accordingly, the advice of psychologists is similar to the crisis of seven years in marriage:

more romance and newness in relationships;
attention and care for your soulmate;
do not provoke your partner into conflicts by constant nagging and dissatisfaction on every occasion and without it;
solve problems and omissions immediately, do not accumulate negativity and understatement for years;
Find a new joint hobby that you both enjoy.

Forewarned is forearmed. It is this knowledge that will help you find the right way out of the crisis, avoiding false illusory directions.

Periodization

Based on V. Satir’s classification and many years of research into the causes of divorce proceedings in psychology, periods of crisis in family relationships were identified by year. It’s worth mentioning right away that the time frames are set arbitrarily, and for each individual pair they can occur either a little earlier or a little later.

Main periods of crisis:

1-2 years - birth of a child;
3-6 years - the child masters speech;
7-9 years old - entry to school;
10-14 years - adolescence + midlife crisis;
15-19 years old - empty nest syndrome;
20-24 years old - children getting married, mastering the roles of grandparents, aging;
25-30 years - menopause in the wife, decreased libido in the husband.

In each period, the psychology of family crises identifies a peak that accounts for the maximum number of divorces:

1 year;
3 years;
7 years;
10 years;
15 years;
20 years;
25 years.

Each crisis is characterized by its own problems and, accordingly, ways to solve them. What will help you get out of an impasse in the first year of married life will no longer work after 10 years.

It is difficult to say how long each period lasts. It depends on the character and behavior patterns of both halves. Someone may wait patiently for the situation to be resolved for months, dragging it out. Others, due to their temper, cut the Gordian knot right away. As practice shows, on average, a conflict matures within 6-12 months.

Duration

The crisis period has different durations :

For some couples, the adjustment stage goes through quickly - in a couple of weeks.
Other spouses suffer for months without understanding what exactly is going wrong.

The duration of a crisis, first of all, depends on a person’s sensitivity, his ability to listen to his partner’s position, understand and accept his opinion. How quickly disagreements will be resolved depends on the reasons that caused them.

If the provocateur is a serious contradiction in worldview, neither side has psychological wisdom, life in crisis mode can last for years.

General points

Psychologists identify three symptoms that indicate the onset of a crisis:

Stopping confidential conversations when spouses stop sharing their own experiences with each other.
Decline in sexual activity.
Irritability towards your significant other.

There are only 2 ways out of every crisis:

Constructive when the marriage survives.
Destructive when a couple files for divorce.

If earlier in family psychology it was believed that a constructive way out of a crisis is always positive, and a destructive way out is always negative, now such a gradation of assessment has been abolished. It often happens that a husband and wife decide to stay together because of the child, so as not to traumatize him. However, both are unhappy, can barely tolerate each other and take it out on the one for whom they saved the family. The result is psychological trauma for everyone. And sometimes, freed from oppressive relationships, people gain peace of mind, peace and a new value consciousness, which contributes to their further personal growth.

Signs and symptoms

Typical harbingers of an upcoming crisis are negative emotions, negative feelings that take over the mental world of the spouses.

You can suspect an approaching discord by the presence in the partners’ thinking of obsessive, depressing ideas regarding marriage. Filling the internal space with negativity naturally affects how spouses communicate with each other and how they act.

Characteristic symptoms of a crisis:

Personal relationships are fueled only by strong destructive emotions.
Partners are overwhelmed by painful experiences. Negative feelings displace the foundation of a marriage; the indicator of happiness is love.
In women, the place of deep sympathy is filled with hatred. Men become indifferent to passion.
Read also: What are the causes and dangers of interethnic conflicts?
During a crisis, dispute becomes the main element of interaction in the family. Spouses cannot connect with each other; they use constructive forms of communication.
Daily contacts are based on showdowns, petty quibbles, and mutual reproaches. Partners cannot quietly exist together, for example, enjoy outdoor recreation or laugh at a funny comedy.
In a crisis, attention to tiny details becomes sharper. At the same time, the whole picture of life is perceived biasedly. The wife begins to evaluate her husband not by his actual contributions to the family, but by his “unfulfilled responsibilities.”
At the same time, the woman significantly exaggerates the size of the “defects.” She notices only defects in her husband: the inability to hammer a nail straight, the trash being taken out an hour late. The spouse also shifts attention from strengths to weaknesses. A man fixes his attention on what was previously insignificant. Unsalted soup can become, in his understanding, a sign indicating a wife’s lack of housekeeping.
In a crisis, toxic habits begin to worsen. Moreover, some actions are purposefully performed to annoy or anger a partner.
For example, a woman tries to attract her husband's attention by decorating her face with cucumber slices. Thus, she wants to show that, firstly, she takes care of herself, and secondly, that her husband is a complete scoundrel, since he does not provide the funds to visit a cosmetologist.
The man also flaunts the right to “be himself.” For example, he will drink beer, scattering fish scales, knowing that such sloppiness is disgusting to an ideal housewife.
Communication becomes minimal and occurs strictly “on the merits,” for example, on the issue of the amount of funds to purchase groceries. Spouses spend less time together. The man has urgent work tasks. A woman has an urgent need to spend her free time with a suddenly ill friend.
As a rule, it is the woman who points out problems in the relationship. She often makes attempts to clarify the situation. The husband is more likely to bury his head in the sand.
A man often avoids conversation. Attempts to sort things out lead to resentment rather than conflict resolution. During scandals, a woman uses a lady's weapon - crying.
A man, trying to defend his dignity, prefers attack - insults or physical evidence of being right.

1-2 years

Peak - 1 year (calico wedding).

a brief description of

The first year of married life for most couples is the honeymoon and the continuation of the bouquet and candy period. They establish a common way of life, they like to be independent and not depend on anyone, so arranging a nest is accompanied by increased enthusiasm.

However, after 1 year, the first, and quite serious, problems begin to appear. The fact is that by this time the spouses get used to each other, elementary embarrassment disappears, and then it turns out that the prince on a white horse can walk around the house in torn socks, and the miss beauty can wear curlers and a greasy robe. It’s exaggerated, but the fact remains: the chemistry of love ends, the household boat rocks more and more, and to this is added the birth of a child (most often).

Causes:

discrepancy between the ideal of the beloved and his everyday image;
uneven distribution of responsibilities around the house;
mother-in-law/mother-in-law syndrome, which often causes discord in a young family;
mismatch of biorhythms (husband is a lark, wife is an owl or vice versa);
financial problems (especially if both spouses are too young, do not work, depend on their parents);
living together with parents.

Most often, the crisis of the first year of family life is associated with the birth of the first child, when a young and inexperienced mother gets tired of the burden of everyday problems that fall on her shoulders. A newborn may have difficulty sleeping, eating, walking, and visiting a doctor regularly. Added to this are problems with lactation and postpartum depression. And what “finishes off” her is the need to keep up with everything around the house: cleaning, washing, ironing, cooking, eating. She is guaranteed to be in a state of stress. She begins to get angry with her husband, who disappears all the time at work and does not help her.

The young father is also in a state of shock at this time. The child does not allow you to get enough sleep at night, and in the morning you have to get up for work. There is not enough money for anything, as expenses have increased sharply, either on diapers or on formula. The wife turned from a well-groomed phyto-nurse into an eternally dissatisfied aunt with blurred forms after childbirth and dark circles under her eyes. And no sex either, because she has no time for that.

Psychologist's advice

To overcome a crisis, it is necessary to find out its root cause. After all, not every couple immediately has a child, however, they also have to face the difficulties of everyday life and relationships with new relatives. Starting from a pressing problem, you need to look for a way out. What psychologists advise:

Each spouse must first decide for himself whether it is possible to continue to preserve the marriage with minimal losses for everyone.
Discover new facets of personality in your spouse, look for positive aspects, turn a blind eye to shortcomings.
Schedule housework duties down to the smallest detail so that they are distributed evenly.
Establish relationships with mother-in-law / mother-in-law as much as possible.
Together, try to find sources of additional income to improve your financial situation.

If the crisis of 1 year is ripe, the spouses need to sit down and talk openly about all the problems and ways to solve them. A wife should not forget to take care of herself. The husband should not disappear all the time at work.

If the cause of the crisis is the birth of a child, all problems can also be solved. It is imperative to involve grandparents to help with the baby. In case of postpartum depression, a mother needs to undergo a recovery course. Dad should, to the best of his ability, take on some of the responsibilities around the house. And most importantly, they must pay enough attention to each other and in no case refuse intimacy.

Universal advice. Romantic dates at least once a week will help save a marriage after 1 year of family life. You can ask someone to sit with your baby for a couple of hours. And constantly change the place: it could be a cozy cafe, an interesting movie, a Ferris wheel, just a trip out of town, admiring the sunset - there are many options. The main thing is to change the environment and enjoy each other’s company.

Crisis of two years in a relationship

A crisis of 2 years in a relationship can be triggered by two reasons:

household routine;
cooling in intimate relationships.

After a series of conflicts, arguments and attempts to build a soul mate for themselves, the spouses come to a measured pace of life, where everyday life and routine begin to reign. If at the beginning of the relationship one of the spouses took on all the responsibilities in one area or another only in order to protect their partner, then gradually this burden begins to weigh down, dissatisfaction increases, and the atmosphere becomes tense. This is especially true for household chores. The best way out of this situation is an agreement on the division of affairs, especially if both spouses work.

Another trigger for a crisis in a relationship with a husband over the years at this stage is cooling in sex. The passion has already passed, everything has become boring and seems ordinary, and more and more often you can hear a refusal of intimacy. This factor greatly affects relationships, and in order to avoid worsening the situation, two main conditions must be met:

regularity;
diversity.

Most families are faced with a new role as parents during this year of marriage. Getting used to new responsibilities, forming a different way of life and new rules is not painless. The husband feels the crisis especially acutely, since part of the attention that was previously paid only to him is now switched to the baby. There is a feeling of fear that I am not loved, a feeling of uselessness.

To overcome this stage with the least losses:

the husband needs to remember that sometimes mommy also needs to be alone, and therefore it is advisable to take on the responsibility of caring for the child completely himself, at least a few hours a week;
a wife should not forget that she is a woman, and that her beloved man also needs her, and not just a tiny miracle who snorts sweetly in the crib.

3-6 years

Peak - 3 years (leather wedding).

a brief description of

If the first crisis of family relations has been successfully overcome, there is usually a lull for a year: the child grows, becomes more independent and interesting, parental responsibilities become a habit. However, this respite will not last long. According to statistics, most divorces occur after 3 years of marriage.

Psychologists call the crisis of three years the most dangerous of all. The couple recovers from the shock of becoming parents, and many begin to look at their partner with completely new eyes. Love transforms into a habit; not a trace remains of the former passion. Everything seems too gray, everyday and ordinary. If the spouses managed to maintain friendly relations and respect for each other, they will easily overcome this period. Otherwise, they will face divorce.

Moreover, this crisis may be quite long. It covers a period from 3 to 6 years, and the peak can fall on any of the intermediate periods. Some psychologists separately single out 5 years (wooden wedding) as the most problematic moment, since by this time the child becomes old enough, does not require special care - and the couple finally makes the decision to separate, which has been long overdue.

Causes:

lack of common interests;
fading feelings for each other and increasing irritability;
against the background of the previous two factors - adultery;
the problem of living space: if in the 1st year of family life living together with parents had its advantages, then over time this worsens the situation;
lack of finances: the family is becoming more and more independent, you can no longer ask your parents for money, but you want to go on vacation and buy a new TV;
the appearance of a second child;
career growth of one of the spouses.

Virginia Satir saw the growing up of a child at the heart of this crisis. He is growing and requires more and more effort and time: to educate, develop, arrange and take him to kindergarten every day. And then it turns out that dad has no time to do all this, he shifts the responsibility to mom (in some families it happens the other way around). Or it suddenly turns out that spouses have different models of raising children. The husband grabs the belt to punish his son for his prank, and the wife rushes to the defense - a conflict is inevitable.

How to behave

Avoid open conflicts and quarrels.
Don't allow yourself to get irritated. Review your photos together more often, remember the moment you met, the wedding and the feelings that once connected you. This will help revive the extinguished flame of love.
Take care of yourself (dress well, exercise) so as not to give reasons for betrayal.
Try together to solve financial and housing problems.
Don't rush into having your second child.

This is the only crisis when psychologists do not recommend constructive and trusting dialogue as a way to overcome the difficulties that have arisen. As practice shows, at the moment each spouse has little secrets from each other that they will hide, and conversation will only aggravate the situation and kill mutual trust. Most often, this is an affair on the side, which it is better not for the other half to know about. In 90% of cases it turns out to be insignificant and starts only to take a break from everyday life. So you shouldn’t open a meaningless scratch so deeply.

Universal advice. To save the family at this stage, you need to fall in love with each other again. Arrange a supposedly accidental acquaintance and start everything from scratch: bouquets, dates, lace lingerie, sex in unusual places. Psychologists advise the two of you to go on a romantic trip for 2-3 weeks. Such a reboot of relationships benefits everyone - including the child, who is always happy to see happy parents together.

Reasons and factors

Some families are susceptible to the development of a crisis. Others are less likely to experience the hardships of a turning point.

This
depends on a number of factors, including :

psychological maturity of partners;
character traits, the presence of goodwill and sympathy in the personal portrait;
existing style of responding to difficulties, level of stress resistance;
the assessment model present – optimistic, realistic, pessimistic;
state of physical and mental health;
“richness” of life – active, exciting or bland, monotonous activity;
the presence of bad habits, addictions, such as alcohol consumption, gambling addiction;
communication skills – the ability to listen and express thoughts clearly;
way of processing emotions - constructive expression of experiences or a tendency to suppress feelings;
desire and ability to compromise;
having common hobbies and goals.

Let's look at typical reasons for turning on crisis mode.

Inconsistency of financial aspects

Options for income and expenditure of the family budget are a typical source of contention. Many couples in the 5th year of their relationship have small children who require material costs for development, recovery, and creation of normal living conditions. If there are financial difficulties in the family, the wife, who is more busy raising the child, often reproaches her husband for not earning enough.

Particular financial problems arise for families who, wanting to improve their living conditions , become hostage to loan obligations.

Working exhaustively in several positions, lack of sufficient rest, and fear of being unable to repay loans have a negative impact on the psycho-emotional state of people. This, in turn, makes a negative contribution to the couple’s relationship, causing a crisis.

Awareness of the wrong choice

Boys and girls often get married without getting to know the person with whom they are forming an alliance for the future. The decision to marry, made hastily, often leads to disappointment, resentment, and claims. A person who has been burned blames his partner for all his sins, not wanting to admit that the culprit is his psychological blindness.

There is a common stupid belief that time will fix everything, a stamp in a passport will improve relationships, a person will change. The illusion that a partner can be forcibly “reshaped” is the main cause of the crisis.

Marriage is not a magic wand that can eliminate your spouse's annoying habits. A great example is the rage that arose after 5 years of marriage because the husband spent too much time hanging out with friends. Although the young lady married a guy who spent all his evenings in a nightclub.

Unequal investment in family

Some women, having gotten married, devote themselves entirely to creating a family home.
They invest time and effort into pleasing their husband and putting things in perfect order. At the same time, they continue to work two jobs.

In turn, their husbands see personal relationships as one of the components of life . They live for their own pleasure, enjoying an established life, but do not make an equal contribution to the family.

When a woman realizes that she has significantly more responsibilities than her husband, she is overcome by resentment due to “injustice.” This leads to a crisis.

Problems with family

Overbearing and selfish relatives who strive to give advice and demand the constant attention of the “unfortunate” son or daughter are a real burden for the family. Often in the first years of marriage, one partner consoles himself with the hope that this state of affairs will change.

However, after 5 years the reality of life opens up. For example, a wife understands that her husband’s priority is the relationship with his parents , that he does not put the interests of the family first, but the satisfaction of his ancestors. When this happens every day, a crisis arises.

Moving away from each other

Anything from caring for children to diligently building a career can lead to spouses transferring from the same boat to different ships sailing on different courses. When the family stops working to achieve a common goal, everyone begins to live according to their own plan, and the partners become separated.

Often, after 5 years of marriage, spouses discover that they have different views, needs, and desires. They are “overwhelmed” by the thought that the chosen one is hindering their development and is not capable of making them happy. Emotional and physical distance is the leading cause of the crisis.

7-9 years

Peak - 7 years (copper wedding).

a brief description of

According to statistics, a surge in divorces occurs after 7 years of marriage. By this point, life usually improves and gets back on track: the financial situation is more or less stabilized, the problem with living space has already been at least somehow resolved. And the spouses certainly don’t argue over who should take out the trash can. So what happens to people who have walked this path hand in hand?

This is where physiology comes into play and there is no escape. By this time, the spouses are usually 30 years old, during which there is a surge in sexual activity, and it does not find a way out. Many people no longer see their partner as an object to satisfy their desires and fantasies. They thoroughly know not only each other’s habits, but also every mole on the body. The novelty is lost, sex becomes a mechanical fulfillment of a marital obligation.

If the family adheres to Christian or simply traditional moral principles, it will endure this. But as soon as one of the spouses gives in, betrayal and divorce cannot be avoided.

Causes:

sexual dissatisfaction;
adultery;
a change in the social status of one of the spouses or rapid career growth (it is inconvenient for a diplomat husband to have a wife who is a dishwasher);
rupture of physical and emotional connection between spouses;
life, routine, monotony.

Virginia Satir connects this crisis with the fact that the child needs to be sent to school. Parents need to make a joint decision about which institution he will study at, who will drop him off and pick him up, what clubs to choose for him, and who will go to meetings. When there is no mutual understanding, all these questions only make things worse. Quarrels are inevitable.

At the same time, the child is already developing as a person, understands a lot and begins to ask questions to which parents do not always have answers: why they don’t sleep in the same bedroom, why dad stays late at work, why they don’t go anywhere together. And such “whys” are heard every day. Such psychological direct pressure from children only widens the gap in the couple.

Parents often divorce when the child turns 8: they finished first grade together, put up with each other, and that’s enough. Unfortunately, few people are interested in developmental psychology, which strongly advises against doing this during this period. A student experiencing a divorce may have problems with social adaptation and academic performance.

How to get out of a family crisis 7 years

Seek help from a family psychologist.
Actively involve your spouse in raising the child.
Diversify intimate relationships, try to establish a sexual connection.
Find a balance between work and home.
Try to balance your educational level and learn a new profession.
Do not hold grudges and irritation within yourself, express everything in a constructive dialogue and try to find joint solutions.
In case of betrayal, either forgive or divorce.

Universal advice. This is the very crisis that needs to be solved through the satisfaction of sexual needs. It's time to add variety to your intimate life. Go to specialized stores together, buy something new, try, experiment. If you want to save your relationship, the two of you make an appointment with a sexologist.

Relationship crisis 5 years

Relationship crisis 5 years of marriage is the period of the first summing up of life together. According to statistics, the number of divorces at this stage is quite large. Expectations after 5 years of marriage that the husband will figure it out and the woman will notice are not justified, a miracle does not happen, nothing changes. But growing discontent is expressed in irritation towards each other, often in aggression. It is during this period that quarrels can end in assault and fights.

The reasons may be due to changed circumstances, for example, the wife has returned from maternity leave, she has to get used to the new rhythm of life, along with the remaining household chores. In a man, aggression can be provoked by the coldness of his beloved woman in intimate relationships, which results from the above changes.

One of the reasons for the crisis in a relationship after 5 years together can be habit. Partners take each other for granted, care, attention, and are no longer filled with a feeling of gratitude. And in general, during this period spouses often stop paying attention to each other, taking an interest in each other’s lives, desires, dreams, and problems as well. To avoid such a situation, you need to talk more often, and even better, listen and hear each other, strive to develop together, set common goals and achieve them together too.

10-14 years

Peak - 10 years (tin wedding).

a brief description of

Psychologists call this crisis of family relationships the second most difficult after the three-year one. Several problematic situations overlap here.

First, both spouses are experiencing a midlife crisis. It is characterized by a depressive state associated with the fact that the dreams of youth have not been achieved, opportunities to achieve something have been missed, and old age is already on the threshold. Overestimating your own experience can result not only in antidepressants and a job change, but also in divorce. After all, the first person who prevented you from achieving your goals is your significant other, who has been dragging you down all this time.

Secondly, the child begins adolescence (12-13 years old), in most cases it goes beyond the control of adults and becomes difficult to manage. Against the backdrop of conflicts with him, the parents enter into confrontation with each other. Phrases are heard more and more often: “You raised him this way,” “No, he is like this because you didn’t raise him,” etc.

Causes:

prolonged depression, emptiness, emotional burnout;
loss of interest in family, work, hobbies;
change of environment, new connections;
job change;
the onset of aging (excess weight, wrinkles, gray hair);
comparison with other, more successful people of this age.

All this is aggravated by the child’s adolescence, which requires increased attention to itself and does not receive it because the parents are going through their own problems. A situation develops in the family when everyone sits in their room with the doors locked and minds their own business. No dinners together, no going to the movies, no talking. In the end, one of the spouses cannot stand it and files for divorce.

How to overcome

Don't focus on your inner state. Try to help your other half.
Pay more attention to the teenager, talk to him, take part in his life, support healthy hobbies and interests (for both parents).
Expand your circle of mutual acquaintances.
Do not get involved in social networks and computer games.
Do not hush up problems, solve them as they arise.
Make an appointment with a family psychologist.
Have another child.

Universal advice. To save your marriage at this stage, find a common hobby for the whole family. New impressions, acquaintances, and a change of scenery will help you overcome your midlife crisis and improve your relationship with your teenager. This could be river rafting, cycling, hiking, dancing and much more.

How to understand that this is the path to separation?

Signs indicating the advisability of divorce:

Extramarital affair . When one partner indulges in outside sexual activity, it indicates a lack of interest in the partner. Cheating kills trust. If a person feels betrayed, he experiences mental pain. Suffering will sooner or later lead to mental or physical illness. Therefore, an affair on the side is a signal of the need to dissolve the marriage.
Financial difficulties . If spouses do not understand what the family budget is, this leads to devastating consequences. A sign that it’s time to end the relationship is a person’s gambling addiction, his reluctance to overcome the craving for gambling. You should not try to establish relationships with an individual who is prone to senseless spending and constantly takes out loans and borrowings.
Lack of full communication . Failure to communicate kindly leads to resentment, resentment, and disappointment. If a person ignores the chosen one, does not consider it necessary to discuss family issues, does not want to understand the other, does not strive to satisfy moral needs, this is a sign of the need to separate.
Constant conflicts . Inextinguishable disputes are not evidence of a crisis. This is a signal that hostile people with different worldviews live under the same roof. Continuous scandals indicate that people are not able to hear and understand another person.
Unrealistic expectations . After 5 years of marriage, a person recognizes the true face of his partner. If the nature of your chosen one does not correspond to your idea of the qualities of your life partner, you must admit that it is impossible to change a person. Expectations of a miraculous transformation strain both partners. The best solution is not to waste time, not torment the other with nagging, but to file for divorce.
Lack of intimacy. When sexual interest in the chosen one disappears, marriage loses all meaning. On this basis, romances arise on the side. A person dissatisfied with sex life becomes irritable.
He distances himself from his husband, trying to find inspiration on the side. If you constantly treat your chosen one coldly, know that over time this will become a reason for divorce.
Physical and mental violence . A clear indication of the need to end the relationship - insults, threats, humiliation, beatings. A cruel person, accustomed to proving what is right with his fists, is not worthy of respect. You cannot create a full-fledged family with a rapist and feel happy. The tendency to aggression is a personality trait, not a sign of crisis

15-19 years old

Peak - 15 years (crystal wedding).

a brief description of

This crisis has a specific name - empty nest syndrome. By this age, children go to school, join the army, start their own families, and get a job. In a word, they begin to build their own lives and become independent. The couple, who may have been held together by children all these years, feels abandoned and lonely. It may turn out that they no longer have common interests. Such a discovery often leads to divorce even at this age.

Causes:

children leaving the family;
emptiness in the house and emptiness in the soul;
lack of common interests;
loss of attraction to each other;
Each spouse lives a separate life.

How to improve relationships

Talk to each other.
Find new common ground.
Joint efforts to help children arrange their new lives.
Go on a long trip abroad together.
Let's start realizing the dreams of our youth together.
Do not stoop to mutual reproaches.
Have another child.

Universal advice. As a rule, by this time people achieve a certain financial independence. Take advantage of this. Make your spouse's dream come true. Buy him an expensive watch that he has always dreamed of, or a ticket to travel around the world. This will allow both to understand that life is not over: on the contrary, it’s time to start living for yourself.

Decision-making

If the decision to overcome the crisis is mutual and neither wants to part, then we need to act. It is worth having a joint conversation with your spouse. Some people who have been together for a long time play a game of “Hot Chair” every few years. True, such a game was created for large companies, but it is openness and honesty that allow people to get to know each other better, which is the key to long-term relationships.

Hot seat game

Before the game starts, the players discuss the conditions. Everyone must promise that they will not change their attitude towards another person. One of the spouses sits down on a chair, at this time the second begins to talk about his bad character traits , bad habits and express everything that he does not like about this person.

After all the negativity has been thrown out, it’s worth telling your interlocutor about his positive qualities . After the game, participants can calmly discuss their bad sides and discuss ways to eliminate them, find compromises. This game provides an opportunity for spouses to get to know themselves better in order to remove the mask of idealism and see their own shortcomings. The main thing is not to turn this into a quarrel, but to reach the end and look for ways out of the situation. People are able to change their habits in order to maintain love in their own home.

Crisis in the family - the norm or an alarming signal

a crisis may have an absolutely objective reason

adaptation to living together;
grinding of characters;
recognition and rejection of habits;
birth of children;
the need to take responsibility for the family;
age-related and physiological changes, etc.

At the same time, such causes of the crisis are more understandable and predictable. A couple can more easily cope with all the problems that naturally arise along the way of the birth and development of their family. Such crises pass more quickly and often lead to a deeper rapprochement between partners, strengthening their mutual understanding and emotional attachment.

there are other – non-normative reasons that lead to more serious crises in relationships and family

different views on life priorities and goals;
differences in religion and culture;
cheating on one of the partners;
presence of serious financial problems;
lack of living space or the need to live under the same roof with parents;
serious illness in family members;
interference in the life of a young family by third parties, etc.

In such cases, it is imperative to look for the cause of dissatisfaction and crisis, and together try to change the relationship for the better. The ideal option would be the help of a psychologist, especially if there is love and, therefore, there is something to fight for.

Psychologists' opinions on family crises

Just as an individual person goes through different stages during his development and maturation, family relationships reflect internal processes in a single union. A person may experience his own age-related or career (creative) crises. Therefore, it is quite natural that crises affect family life. It is more problematic when they coincide with the personal crises of the partners in a couple. At the same time , psychologists quite reasonably believe that it is impossible to do without crises in family life. In their opinion, this stage cannot be prevented in any way. But it is quite possible to notice its beginning in time and take appropriate measures. And it is precisely this approach that will allow you to go through family difficulties together as painlessly as possible and begin a new stage of relationships, taking them to a qualitatively new level.

Signs of a family crisis

A classic crisis in family relationships can be recognized by a number of symptoms:

lack of common topics for conversation , partners are silent more than discussing their life problems and goals. All dialogues are in the nature of pure solutions to everyday problems around the house;
cooling of love and the emotional component of marriage. Lack of desire to share intimate things and delve into the mental state of your chosen one;
more frequent occurrence of conflicts that do not have a serious basis. Such quarrels are more like nagging and a partner’s desire to start a scandal over any reason;
lack of sexual desire and decreased quality of intimate life. Emotionally and mentally moving away, partners do not see the need and have no desire for intimacy with their once loved one;
the emergence of mutual reproaches and claims. At the same time, they can be either loudly expressed or hang in the air, creating a heavy and painful atmosphere with a partner who is dissatisfied with life;
excessive distance from the partner : husbands are immersed in making money for the family, and women frantically devote their time to comfort and raising children. At the same time, they do not have enough time or energy to develop personal relationships;
lack of mutual understanding even in minor everyday issues, when the purpose of the conflict is not to find an optimal solution, but to prove one’s superiority and humiliate the other half, etc.

Loving people can immediately spot a crack in a relationship. And if there is a mutual desire to cope with the problem, this is quite possible. The main thing is not to turn a blind eye to the “first signs”, not to look for self-inflicted excuses for them, but rather to boldly look the crisis in the eye, talk frankly with your partner and together come to a common opinion on how to quickly overcome the current situation and return love and love to the marriage. respect.

Advice from psychologists for overcoming the crisis

To reduce the intensity of crisis periods, it is very important to follow the following recommendations:

respect the personal space of your chosen one, give him the opportunity to do any business, develop and grow as an individual;
know how to talk about all problematic issues, try to look at them through the eyes of your partner, look for a solution, and don’t get hung up on proving that you’re right;
work together to build ideal family relationships, create your own family rules and traditions;
always be interested in the life of your partner, do not lose emotional and spiritual closeness - this will help you control the relationship and address the threat of crisis in time;
in difficult situations, seek help from specialists. At the same time, if your partner refuses to go to a psychologist, you can get an individual consultation, talking about your problems and desires to save your family.

Each crisis experienced makes your couple stronger and stronger. You get to know your partner and yourself from other sides, discover new facets in relationships, reach a new level - better and more harmonious. The main thing you need to understand is that for a constructive resolution of the crisis, you need the mutual desire of the partners to save the family and continue your personal love story. Communicate more, trust each other, be honest and open, try to please your partner, surprise and don’t be afraid to experiment, create romance and fill your relationship with warmth and harmony - and then no crises can destroy your love, adding more and more embers of respect to its fire , passion and emotional intimacy.