How long does adolescence last?
Conventionally, adolescence begins at 10–13 years of age and lasts until 21 years of age.
It is divided into three stages. Early is “the most unbearable,” according to the psychotherapist. Children have new needs, they are already “big”, but they don’t understand how to deal with it. Boys become like Neanderthals, awkward, clumsy. They are rude and want to be left alone. Girls, in turn, begin to be afraid and ashamed of everything, including themselves. The second stage begins at the age of 16 and proceeds more easily. The teenager already senses reality, but tries to adapt it to himself. The third stage, aka youth. According to Loktionova, only during this period does a teenager come to terms with real life and begin to take responsibility for his actions.
Let go of the pain
You can become depressed, scream in heartache, cry all your tears, but this period of despair should last no more than three days. Otherwise, you will get used to this oppressive feeling of emptiness and soon you will begin to like it.
Oddly enough, it’s normal to feel like the waste of life. You don't have to be strong all the time. There is no room for positivity in your life right now. You need to let out all the sadness, anger, pain and disappointment. Get rid of it. Now you have a new life. Even though you still look like a nonentity.
What goes on in the minds of teenagers?
The key to understanding a teenager lies in the changes that occur in his head. Biologically, the brain consists of the lower part and the outer part - the cerebral cortex. For a younger student they are in balance. During adolescence, a “volcanic eruption” begins in the subcortical layers. There was a flat landscape, and then “magma” rises, new structures. The subcortical centers begin to attract all the attention because they begin to serve the maturing hormonal system.
“The difficulty of adolescence is that the cerebral hemispheres are being rebuilt; they seem to be closed for repairs. Logic, arguments, beliefs, cause-and-effect relationships - all this is not clear to teenagers. They live on an emotional level,” said the psychotherapist.
Decide what to do next
Discuss how important love is to your couple in general. Perhaps you have been married for a long time, raising children, you are connected by common interests, obligations and goals. Your relationship is based on loyalty, respect and affection. And all this can be preserved, even when feelings have cooled, if you both understand and accept it.
It’s a completely different matter if being unloved is painful for you or if your partner wants to be with someone else. Then you will have to admit that the relationship has come to an end and talk about it openly.
Why do teenagers react so strongly to criticism?
Due to the changes that occur in the head of adolescents, emotional pain centers are exposed. Loktionova gave the example of a comparison that was picked up by Françoise Dolto. According to a French psychoanalyst, the teenager is like a lobster during molting: he has just lost his shell and needs to grow a new one. At this moment, all sorts of dangers await him.
“Teenagers must survive this difficult period like lobsters. Therefore, the family should become a safe place where he can survive this time without fear of “predators” and build up this new “chitinous cover,” that is, wait for the formation of the cerebral hemispheres,” the psychotherapist advised.
Continuing the theme of comparing teenagers and lobsters, she said that pain awaits any teenager, he will definitely get “burned.” The psychotherapist remembered that there used to be an initiation rite for teenagers.
“The boys had to deal with pain, but there was always a mentor who knew how this process should happen and what its benefits were for the teenager,” Loktionova said.
It is important to understand why you, as a parent, cause pain. For example, why do you ask your child to put down his cell phone? If you want to have a traditional dinner at this time with the whole family, then this is a good idea.
No one wants to communicate with me, what to do: advice from psychologists
First of all, you need to tidy up your appearance. When a person is collected and smart, neatly dressed, he is perceived better.
It is much easier for a self-confident person with a positive attitude towards life and people to make friends; many want to know his opinion and see him around.
It is necessary to ensure that during the conversation the dialogue does not turn into a monologue. This means that communication with other participants is lost.
An unhappy person who constantly complains about life's troubles cannot find friends. And not everyone wants to talk to someone like that. You need to change your mind. Talk to others in a positive, life-affirming manner, avoid sighs and sobs.
A friendly attitude towards others will certainly yield results.
And the once lonely person will become sociable, cheerful, and begin to share his ideas and energy with the people around him. He will forget that he used to complain to everyone, saying: “no one wants to communicate with me.” If you change yourself, the attitude of others will improve.
How can parents communicate with teenagers without giving advice?
During the child's adolescence, the parent must become a submissive listener if the child makes contact. A teenager needs to be shown compassion and empathy. There is no need to explain anything right away, no need to tell how everything happened in adolescence with the parent himself.
“You can say: “I understand you approximately.” Maybe this is similar to (name an incident from your youth)?” If the child agrees, then you can remember the incident and say: “I felt so bad, but such and such helped me. Is the same thing happening to you now?”, the psychotherapist gave an example.
Be prepared for resistance
Even if the feelings really are over, the partner may not admit it right away. Firstly, he himself needs time to realize and accept everything. Secondly, he may be afraid of hurting you, so he will begin to deny everything: “No, you don’t understand everything correctly, I love you very much!” A person can explain coldness, closedness and detachment by fatigue or other reasons.
It is extremely important here not to argue or turn the conversation into a battle. You cannot look into another person's heart and head and know what is really going on there. Therefore, now your main task is to convey to your partner that you are very concerned.
How to help a teenager who doesn't ask for help?
“I often encounter parental confusion. It seems they don’t ask for help; on the contrary, they even say: “Go away, don’t touch me,” the psychotherapist said.
Tatyana Lazareva confirmed this. According to her, each of the three children in adolescence often said: “Mom, that’s enough!” Loktionova explained the meaning of this phrase from the lips of a teenager.
“Everything that happens outside directly, without processing by the cerebral hemispheres, affects the emotional pain center of the teenager. Any sidelong glance, any condemnation hits this center. If a teenager hears a piece of morality in your phrase, the child will identify this as alienation. Then the child says: “Mom, that’s enough.” But he says this not to his mother, but to the pain that he is currently experiencing,” said the psychotherapist.
Give your loved one more space
After the conversation, you will have to wait a while: both you and your partner will need to sort out your feelings.
Often a person who notices the distance of a loved one tries to shorten the distance: asks for a meeting, calls, writes, tries to be close. This is very natural, but, unfortunately, it does not help. The best tactic, according to psychologists, would be to step back for at least a couple of weeks and allow your partner to be alone with their thoughts and experiences.
Illustration: Anna Guridova / Lifehacker
Teenagers stay up late and have a hard time getting up. Why?
Adolescence is a difficult time not only for the brain, but also for the whole body. Therefore, a teenager can often feel like a squeezed lemon at the end of the day.
“The body changes, it shakes. Such earthquakes occur inside. The bones grow, the vessels cannot keep up with them, and the nerve pathways cannot keep up with the vessels. Therefore, the daily routine and physical activity regimen are very important,” the psychotherapist noted.
No teenager likes to go to bed early. Moreover, closer to night, when homework is done, the most active communication on social networks begins. In this matter, parents need to set boundaries and ask the child to go to bed at a specific time.
“You can say, ‘You still have five minutes. Write the most important words. Finish communicating with the most important people.” In this way, we give a guideline and ask them to go to bed on time,” explained Loktionova.
It turns out that it is from 22.00 to 1.00 that the process of myelination occurs in the body of a teenager. This is the formation of a sheath around the processes of nerve cells.
“Teenagers’ sleep patterns are really disrupted. They don't want to sleep at all. But this is not so because their social networks excite them. The reason is that the brain is not yet myelinated, there is no need to form these membranes. Therefore, our task is to help the child form the habit of going to bed early,” said the psychotherapist.
Ideally, a teenager should sleep 10–11 hours. Obviously, on school days this is not always possible: children do homework late into the night, and you need to get up early to get to class without traffic jams. In this case, at least on weekends, the teenager should sleep as much as he wants, Loktionova noted.
Analyze the situation
Try to separate your feelings and fears from the facts. What really happened? What in your partner’s behavior indicates that he has cooled off towards you? Are there any real signs?
Let's say he objectively spends less time with you: you used to talk every evening after work and watch TV series together on Fridays, but now this has faded away. Or your partner has stopped hugging you and showing sexual interest. Or he became irritated and rude, which was not the case before. Or he often disappears somewhere without explaining the reasons, hiding his phone when you enter the room.
Such an analysis will help you figure out whether there really are alarm bells or whether you just imagined it. In addition, specific facts will be useful to you when talking with your partner.
How to get your child away from gadgets?
The only way to get a teenager to put down the gadget is to offer him a more exciting activity. It is important to realize that children constantly see phones in their parents’ hands and do not understand when adults ask them to put them away. For what?
“I can take away gadgets from children only if I am able to offer something in return. Just say to Antonina: “Tosya, put down the phone, get out of Instagram?” I said, of course, but it doesn't work. You can talk as much as you like. It's the same as you taking his life. It doesn’t matter if she says: “Mom, jump off the balcony now.” How's that? This is his life, and you are taking it away,” Lazareva said about how she tried to resolve the issue with gadgets with her 13-year-old daughter.
But if a child breaks some family traditions (for example, does not go to dinner with the whole family), but instead sits on the phone, you need to be tough. It is important to explain that there are unshakable rules, just like the fact that the sun rises and sets every day, the psychotherapist explained. In the same way, at exactly 18.00, the whole family sits down to dinner and, without phones, discusses the past day, for example. Norms that are repeated day after day are important, as they provide support, Loktionova noted.
The psychotherapist recalled that teenagers always react with hostility to parental demands. She explained exactly how to ask a teenager for something to increase the chances of consent.
“Do you know how to distinguish whether you are asking or demanding? Very simple! If you demand inside and only pretend to ask, then when the child refuses, you will get angry and say: “Well, you can’t ask for anything.” And if you ask, then you admit the possibility of refusal. Then you will think: “Refused? Well, okay, next time, maybe he’ll agree,” said the psychotherapist.
Take a break
Yes, it's very difficult. But if you emotionally express your suspicions to your partner, then it will not be good for you or him. What if your intuition lets you down and the person has other reasons for detachment: problems at work, fatigue, bad mood? There may simply not be enough strength to show love and care.
In these cases, complaints will definitely not strengthen the relationship. So it’s better to breathe out and do nothing for at least a couple of days. Keep yourself busy with work or, conversely, with relaxation: meet with friends, take a walk, go on a short trip. Let your emotions cool down a little, this will help you look at what is happening more soberly.
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