In the life of every parent, sooner or later there comes a time when he is faced with hysterics in a child. For some parents, this becomes a real problem: they do not understand what is the root cause of this child’s behavior and how to deal with it.
In this article we will try to understand the possible causes of children's tantrums, their symptoms, and also consider options for parental behavior in which the risk of children's hysterics can be reduced or even eliminated.
What is "hysteria"
Hysteria is a very vivid emotional reaction, which is accompanied by loud screaming, tears, and demonstrative behavior; a condition in which it is difficult for a child to calm down.
The reasons for this behavior can be completely different. They depend on the age of the child, the characteristics of the nervous system, the type of upbringing in the family, etc.
A child’s hysteria can occur in response to an insult, a parental demand that the child has no desire to fulfill, or in situations of unpleasant news.
It is very important that parents can distinguish hysteria from another state of the child, very similar to hysteria - whim.
Caprice is the desire of young children (mostly preschoolers) to achieve something forbidden, but very desirable, at this very moment in time.
Whims occur in almost all growing children and are not a cause for concern. They are safe for the child’s psyche. If the parent behaves correctly, they help the child understand and accept the boundaries of what is acceptable.
Doctor Komarovsky's opinion
A well-known doctor believes that a “spectator” is important for a child during a hysteria. This is a must. There is no spectator, no hysteria. The person who is most sensitive to the child’s behavior will definitely be chosen to play the role of spectator.
Komarovsky’s opinion somewhat contradicts the generally accepted opinion that when in a state of hysteria, a child cannot control himself. Evgeniy Olegovich claims that the child assesses the situation very well and everything he does during a hysteria is quite conscious.
The doctor advises the whole family to choose a single behavioral strategy - “not to pay attention and not to succumb to manipulation”, then the child will understand that hysteria is not an option and will stop using it in his behavior.
About how to wean a child from hysterics, Komarovsky E.O. says in this video:
How to get out of a crisis
It is important for parents to understand that the changes occurring in the child’s behavior are a natural process that nothing can influence. During a baby's crisis:
- speech, will and independence, creative abilities develop;
- imitation of elders is observed;
- socialization develops;
- the basic concept of a sense of security is formed.
At three years old, the baby opens the boundaries between himself and the world around him, he learns to distinguish between what is permitted and what is prohibited.
At this time, it is important for parents to explain to the child that he must respect others and be able to sympathize
If a three-year-old child is sent to kindergarten, his socialization occurs much faster. If there are problems communicating with other children, parents should explain to the child why it is necessary to share with others, and when to refuse.
If your child wants to do something on his own, don’t forbid him. Thus, he learns to evaluate his capabilities and get used to independence.
Also at this time it is important to instill hygiene skills: eat carefully, wash hands, brush teeth, dress
Causes
When examining the causes of children's tantrums, most psychologists agree that the most common are the following:
"Pay attention to me!"
In the modern world, mothers make high demands on themselves and place too much responsibility on themselves: every day they need to complete a number of household chores, have time to work as a freelancer, pay attention to their husbands, take time for themselves... In such a series of events, mothers quite often try to find an independent activity for a child.
Sooner or later, the child realizes that he is “standing in line” for his mother’s attention. Of course, this state of affairs does not suit him and then he unleashes a series of unreasonable, from the mother’s point of view, hysterics. In the manifestation of such hysterics, one can read his words: “Remember me! I'm here! I want your love, care and attention!”
"What if…"
Often, with his hysterics, a child tests the boundaries of what is permitted. Through trial and error, he understands: what is possible and what is not, where is good and where is evil. Through probing the boundaries, knowledge of the world occurs. This is fine. This process is a natural component of the interaction between parent and child.
“I can’t, no way!”
The inability to restrain negative emotions and cope with them independently in the process of acquiring new skills is one of the main reasons for children's tantrums. The child wants to get the final, final result of his actions of some nature as quickly as possible (sculpting a certain figure, cutting out a circle, drawing a tree) and if there is no such result, be hysterical! You must understand that at such moments he is really very upset and this problem covers all the thoughts and feelings of the little person.
“Today you can, tomorrow not!”
In cases where parental behavior is inconsistent, when there is no clear and understandable system of restrictions, the child is at a loss and does not understand how to behave. He cannot choose the right landmark. In such situations, hysteria becomes the child’s ally and helps him.
"I'm tired"
If a child is planning a difficult and eventful day (lots of outdoor games, holidays and birthdays, long trips), the risk of hysterics at the end of such a day is very high.
“It hurts me! And give me something to drink!”
Any physical discomfort such as hunger, thirst, pain can cause a child to become hysterical.
"When there is too much love!"
When parents do not see boundaries in their care for the child, and smother the child with their love and care, children begin to resist this. And the main weapon in this battle for the child becomes hysteria. This is especially evident during crisis periods of age.
Respect your child's personal boundaries! With the “Where are my children” application, you will always know where your child is and what is happening with him, without unnecessary calls and SMS.
Difficulties of parenting
Parents are often shocked by changes with their baby. His taste begins to change; previously favorite games become annoying. A child can argue with adults and act out of spite. It often happens that a child wants to do something, but does not do it. More often than not, tantrums appear on display.
Surely each of us has seen how a child begins to cry a lot and stamp his feet in a public place, demanding that his desire be satisfied. This situation is aggravated by the judgmental words of others. As a result, mom/dad has to fulfill the baby’s whim. If no measures are taken, the child will manipulate adults at every opportunity.
But you also need to be extremely careful with severity. Parents should not “block” any natural manifestation of the baby with their screams. If you constantly yell at your child, he will stop wanting to do anything and decide that it is best to be calm and sit still. If he does not feel parental love, he will become accustomed to learned helplessness.
Studying the psychological characteristics of children aged 3-4 years, psychologists came to the conclusion that the combination of a strict mother and a kind father has a negative impact on the child. The baby begins to take the side that is convenient for him at a certain moment.
Some parents consider it quite normal to drag their child into a marital quarrel and force them to take the side of one of the parents. In order not to lose loved ones, the toddler can choose 2 behavior models:
- Tries to be good and obedient, experiencing constant anxiety.
- He indulges himself on purpose so that his loved ones will rally around him.
Divorce of parents has an extremely negative impact on the psychology of children 4–5 years old. If he sees that there is no love between his parents and they live together for his sake, the child begins to suffer from an unconscious, deep sense of guilt
It is important for parents to understand that children of this age understand more than adults think
Symptoms
The most common symptoms of hysteria in children are loud crying and screaming, which is accompanied by tension in muscle tone throughout the body.
Then, impulsive and chaotic movements take place, palms clenched tightly into fists (knocking on walls, tables, floors).
If an adult tries to physically influence a child at this moment, he receives blows, bites, and scratches in response.
After this, sudden movements subside. The baby is crying. There are a lot of tears. The muscles relax. Signs of fatigue appear.
Manifestations of hysteria also include: teeth biting (for example, furniture upholstery), hitting the head against the wall and floor, falling and “stomping” feet. Severe tantrums can lead to convulsions and respiratory arrest.
After this, children often complain of headaches, pain from bruises, and nausea.
Diagnostics
Parents should understand that tantrums are just one of the signs of crisis stages in a child’s development.
Often, the parent independently (intuitively) selects the most harmonious way to help the child with hysterics.
When should you seek help from specialists:
- during or after a hysteria, the child stops or holds his breath for a long time,
- he loses consciousness, is subject to sudden mood swings,
- harms others and/or oneself,
- experiencing pain and nausea,
- experiences fears and nightmares.
In addition, if hysterics end with the child’s extreme fatigue or severe lethargy, then the parent should not ignore this and should consult with specialists (psychologists, neurologists, psychotherapists, etc.).
Don't compare your child to other children
By comparing their child with other children, parents create unnecessary anxiety in him. The baby stops liking himself and becomes insecure and shy. Perhaps your friends’ child actually achieves great heights in school and sports. But the mother’s phrase “your classmate got an A on the test, and you got a C” will definitely not encourage the child to study more diligently.
Give advice, praise, criticize wisely. But in your “moral teaching”, avoid any comparisons that would belittle the efforts of an already shy child.
Elena Vladimirovna gives important recommendations: “It is very important for parents not to focus on the problem of the child’s shyness. There is no need to talk about this in front of the baby at all! Do not force him to meet and play with other children unless the child himself shows a desire to establish communication with peers
As a rule, by the age of 7 the problem of shyness disappears, as if it never existed at all. Believe me, your baby will grow up and will easily communicate with others and will certainly make friends.”
Experts:
Inna Aleksandrovna Maltseva
Lyubov Bykova
Elena Vladimirovna Ushachyova
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Hysteria of children at different age periods
Some children may experience tantrums even at the age of nine months, but most often the onset of children's hysterics occurs when the child is one and a half years old. Due to his age, the baby is unable to control his emotions. His speech is not yet developed at the proper level in order to express and explain his thoughts, feelings, and desires.
At 2 years old, a child often resorts to tantrums to attract the attention of adults. In doing so, he uses:
- screams;
- lying and rolling on the floor (especially in crowded places);
- stubbornness.
This behavior is quite natural, since the emotional system of a child of this age has not yet matured.
We can observe especially vivid attacks of hysterics in three-year-olds. During this special, crisis period, hysterics are expressed in completely different ways, but they are united by strong stubbornness, negativism and strong self-will.
At this age, the child does not have the ability to compromise. The method of manipulation is mastered. If a three-year-old managed to manipulate his parents with hysteria once, then in the future he will actively use this tactic.
As the child grows up, his knowledge of the world around him expands, and he no longer feels the urgent need to resort to hysterics. By the age of four, communication skills are quite well developed, and the child increasingly chooses the “eco-friendly” - verbal way to tell the parent about his feelings and desires.
If hysterics continue after four years, this is a serious reason to reconsider the education system and seek help from specialists.
Nuances of a child’s physical and psychological adaptation in kindergarten - tips for parents
In the first year of attending kindergarten, children can get sick a lot and often - this is facilitated not only by an expanded circle of friends. The immune system can be weakened by stress and emotional tension, and therefore it is important for parents to take care to minimize the degree of anxiety of the baby and set him up in a positive way.
More often than others, boys and girls who are exposed to excessive care of their parents or grandmothers get sick. If from the first days of life they are bundled up and dressed inappropriately for the weather, the risk of colds increases. The same thing happens if the baby is not dressed in accordance with the temperature in the group. This increases the period of adaptation to the garden.
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From a psychological point of view, the main stress for a child is separation from his mother. Children demonstrate their attitude to this in different ways. Some cry loudly, others become apathetic and lacking initiative. And still others show nervous agitation and even aggression.
This happens because the baby cannot yet correctly assess the need and time of stay in kindergarten. It may seem to him that his mother will leave and leave him forever, which causes such a violent reaction. If a baby shows aggression, not only the children around, but even the mother herself can become its target. The baby will take revenge on her for his experiences when she returns and takes him home.
Fortunately, this does not always happen. The mother's attentive attitude solves this problem and most children, who initially saw their parents off with tears, gradually become involved in the life of the group. After some time, they actively play with their peers.
When are tantrums good?
It’s hard to believe, but tantrums also have a positive component, both for the child and the parent:
- With the help of hysterics, including tears, the child gets rid of tension and stress.
- The release of suppressed emotions during a hysteria helps to normalize the emotional state and sleep.
- If a child shows you his feelings openly (through a tantrum), this indicates some kind of trust between you.
- Through hysterics, a child learns to probe the boundaries of what is permitted.
- After the hysteria ends (if the adult does not try to stop it), the child “reads” the parent’s unconditional acceptance and subsequently begins to feel more trust in him.
Let's sum it up
When raising a child, parents must be vigilant and attentive in order to be able to distinguish the reasons for their children’s disobedience and respond to them in a timely manner. The relationship between parents and children is a continuous daily process. If there are two or more children in a family, then a situation often arises that the parents managed to build a trusting relationship with some on an intuitive level, but not with others. If you determine the type of temperament in your children, then communication and educational moments will be much easier and more correct, which means you will be able to raise a harmonious personality.
What should parents do?
How to calm a child during a tantrum
- Try to prevent the onset of hysteria. Especially if you already have experience with your child’s tantrum, you can “calculate” the risks and prevent its occurrence in advance.
- You should not try to stop a hysteria with severity, shouting or using physical violence. If your child does not harm himself or others during a tantrum, you can say that you are waiting until he calms down so you can talk. You should speak calmly, not loudly, but confidently.
- If you haven’t had time to understand what exactly led to the hysteria, try asking leading questions: “Are you scared?!”, “Are you hurt?!”, “Do you want...?!”
- Hug your child. He will feel safe, understand that he is not alone and that they will help him.
Treatment of hysterics
If all your efforts to prevent tantrums do not work and the child’s condition only worsens from time to time, you should seek help from specialists.
At the very beginning of your journey, it is better to consult a psychologist. If working with a psychologist does not bring results, then the psychologist himself can recommend other specialists, or you can make this decision yourself. A neurologist and psychotherapist, if indicated, can prescribe medication. But in the conditions of modern medicine, before starting treatment, try to consult with different specialists, listen to different points of view, and only after that make an informed decision regarding medications.
