How to talk to children about death: a great guide from psychologist Ekaterina Sigitova

How can I explain to you: Finding the right words to talk to children

Ekaterina Sigitova

Your children, no matter what age they are, have already encountered death, even if no one in their immediate circle has died. For example, they saw dead insects, or maybe they themselves swatted a fly or a mosquito; they heard from other children or adults that somewhere someone’s dog, hamster, parrot died; they came into contact with the idea of death in fairy tales, cartoons and movies. In short, even before they realize the complexity of this topic, they already have a serious knowledge base. And it will be replenished, because we are not able to protect them from everything.

It is also important that from a psychological point of view, this conversation is not only about a very specific death, but also about something much more. About loss. About the finiteness of the existence of living beings, some objects, processes and periods of time. About unfulfilled dreams, parting, farewell and grief. All this is an integral part of ordinary life, and every person experiences it many times, starting from a very tender age.

Therefore, I personally think that talking is important. If only to teach little people what loss is, how to deal with it and how it generally works. And they will figure out how and when to apply this knowledge.

Necessary introductory notes

It is difficult for us to discuss death and everything that concerns it. This is fine . First, we try to avoid things that upset us. Secondly, we have a hard time having conversations in which we do not have answers to possible questions (and we certainly won’t have them, because we have not yet clarified everything for ourselves). And thirdly, in the modern world, death is increasingly becoming a taboo topic due to universal human fears and anxieties, emotional charge, globalization, rethinking of traditions, departure from religion, etc. All this may bother you and confuse you, but you you can handle it.
Children are very different and can react to conversations in completely different ways - not just because of their age. Don’t be surprised by this and don’t scold your children for reactions that you think are inappropriate (for example, indifference to the idea of the death of loved ones, inappropriate curiosity, laughter, strange questions, refusal to discuss anything). Each child will have their own way of processing this topic and wrapping their heads around new knowledge, and that's okay too.
It is not at all necessary to first thoroughly understand your attitude towards death. As a psychotherapist, I know for sure that this task (to figure it out ourselves) sometimes takes months and years. And many simply do not have the opportunity right now to drop everything, roll up their sleeves and start figuring it out. Yes, your children may sense your fear and tension. But this is not a drama either. There are no ideal parents, everyone has problems, all children feel and adopt some of them. That's life.

Talk or hide?

Many adults, asking this question, choose the option of hiding a sad fact from the child, arguing that they care about the baby’s psyche or that he still “doesn’t understand yet.” In fact, behind such a decision is largely the adult’s own fear of confronting this topic, the need to somehow deal with the child’s unpredictable reaction, and general confusion.

In fact, even a small child, who is not yet able to fully understand what the word “death” means, is acutely aware of the changes taking place around him on an emotional level. At the same time, the general position of psychologists is that any grief requires time to live, and only after experiencing this emotion can a person return to a full life. Often, immediately after a tragedy, loved ones do not dare to tell the child the truth, hiding behind legends about long business trips or illnesses, but at some point it becomes obvious that the truth will have to be told. Such a “delayed” truth often traumatizes the child even more.

Thus, it is important to convey the painful truth to the child at the earliest possible opportunity . And be there to help the baby survive the loss. Depending on the age, awareness may not come to the child immediately. Gradually growing up, he will return to what he experienced and endow the death of a loved one with ever new meanings, realizing it more and more deeply.

When to speak

The general opinion of child psychologists regarding the topic of death is as follows: it is not worth forcing a child to be brought up to date for pedagogical purposes (“Well, today you and I will talk about death...”). Certain situations can be used if the child has an interest. If not, carefully ask a leading question and evaluate the reaction, do not insist in case of refusal.

You can also expand on this topic by answering natural children’s questions, but it is advisable not to go too far beyond what was given and not to immediately dump everything you know. However, this is true for any other important conversations.

Suitable moments to start a conversation and signals that it’s time:

attending a funeral;
the child found out that one of his friends died (including a pet);
a famous person has died, and there is a lot of talk about it;
dead animal on the road;
the child, offended, said something like “But I’ll die, and you’ll all regret it!”;
any signs that the child is romanticizing death (especially important for a teenager, more on this later);
in principle, any statements by a child on the topic of death and loss, if they are clearly strange.

How not to alarm your child

I am not sure that it is possible to talk about death in a way that does not alarm the child at all, and that this should be the goal. This is such a disturbing topic. Children really want their parents and those they care about to always be close, and any encounter with loss - even in the form of a discussion of the theoretical options and essence of death - is very sensitive for them. In the end, we, adults, are very worried about death, so why do we think that it will be any different with children, who are less mature and mentally weaker?

Your task is not to completely protect children from anxiety or fear, but, on the contrary, to recognize emotions and help them experience them in the least traumatic and most natural way.

As for the actual content of conversations and your behavior, Benjamin Spock wrote that any specific impression received by a child depends to a large extent on the attitude of the parents themselves to the subject. And it is true. Children feel the emotional background of significant adults long before they can understand anything on a rational level. Therefore, there is no need to do or say anything that contradicts your personal picture of the world and your personal ideas about the essence of things.

In fact, this means this: if it works, don’t touch it. If you feel bad next to a dead body, you shouldn’t take your child to the funeral just because a smart guy on the Internet wrote: “children should be given the opportunity to say goodbye.” If, on the contrary, you are calm about any physiology, including post-mortem, you should not specifically protect your child from this spectacle, worrying whether he will be injured (with the exception of a damaged body). And so on. Trust yourself.

The psychological mechanism here is very simple: it is important for the child to feel that the parent is confident and has his own point of view. If a parent, guided by good intentions, gets confused or behaves atypically, which makes him feel bad, the child perceives this “bad thing” first of all, and comes into contact with it first, and reacts first of all to it. The greater your heroic horror or rejection, the stronger the reaction. In this case, things may not reach the goals for which everything was started.

Children's understanding of mortality

Depending on their age, children understand the meaning of death differently:

Until the age of 3, children do not understand the meaning of the word “death.” They are not upset if someone close to them leaves this world forever. But they are conveyed the emotional state of the mother or father, their despair, anger and despondency.
By the age of 5, most children develop an understanding of this phenomenon. But they do not yet perceive death as something irreversible. They remember that in fairy tales the heroes could come to life, not die, but fall asleep for a long time.
At primary school age (6-11 years), the child already understands that death is an irreversible phenomenon. He begins to worry that the people closest to him may leave him and he will never see them again. Also, children at this age have a strong opinion that all the dead go to heaven.
Children over 11 years of age perceive death as an inevitable phenomenon and clearly understand that everyone they know will die someday. The only thing teenagers cannot come to terms with is their own vulnerability. Life at this age seems endless.

What children of different ages know about death

Toddlers and younger preschoolers. They present death mainly as something temporary, reversible and not personally related to them and their family. This is partly due to fairy tales and children's stories in general - where characters often come to life, turn into someone after death, etc. At this age, it is quite normal to misunderstand the difference between fantasy and reality and think this way.
Senior preschoolers, junior school. They begin to understand that living beings tend to die at some point and death is something final. A personal “library” of images and associations related to the theme of death appears.
Teenagers. As a rule, they finally understand that death cannot be canceled and that they themselves and their loved ones will die someday. Sometimes they begin to romanticize death.

How to explain the concept of death

Children love to ask thousands of questions to adults - this is how they learn about the world. What should you tell your baby about death? After all, this phenomenon is very difficult for mature individuals to understand. So:

Explain the reasons for what happened. Children feel safer if they know the specific cause of death.
Stick to what you believe in yourself. In religious families, children are taught about the afterlife after death. In families of atheists, attention is concentrated on the physiological side of the issue.
Explain to your child the feelings that accompany loss. After all, they are an integral part of the death of loved ones. If a child knows that it is normal to experience grief, pain and sadness, then in the future it will be much easier for him to bear the loss and express his emotions.
Give examples from the outside world. From the age of three, the child perceives everything he can see. In nature, processes of dying and rebirth are constantly happening around us. For example, leaves fall every fall, but grow again in the spring. They are not the same as the old ones, but have the same shape and composition. After the child realizes this, you can move on to living forms of life. Insects and birds also die if they are overtaken by illness or old age. Fish “fall asleep” if left without water. If a child sees this natural course of things, in the future it will be easier for him to come to terms with the departure of loved ones.

An important factor for a child to understand the fact of death is a close emotional connection with the mother. Only in this case will the baby be able to cope with strong emotions.

General terms of conversation

Try to conduct these conversations in close physical contact: hug, stroke, touch, hold your hand, sit on your lap. The younger the child, the more important this point is. In your arms, the child will feel quite “grounded” and there will be less fear.
If you don’t know the answer to a question, just say: “I don’t know.”
Don’t lie or fuss, it’s better to say that you’re not exactly sure how to explain it yet, and you need to think some more.
Like all other conversations, it is also advisable to conduct this one not on the run, but in a calm environment, so that children can ask questions and so that they have time to react.
Like all other conversations, this one can last for months, with interest periodically fading and awakening again.

How to help your child cope with the loss of a loved one

It all depends on who died, under what circumstances and at what age the child is. But in any case, the emotional state of the parents is an important factor that largely influences the child’s reaction. Hug him, caress him, tell him why you are upset.

You have the right to express sadness and mourn your loss. This will help the child understand that he too can show his emotions.

If you're feeling down, take care of yourself first. This will also become the right example for the child and allow him to realize: if you feel bad, you should be attentive to yourself. In addition, this will teach him to ask for help in difficult times.

Mothers, even more than fathers, tend to believe that they have to carry this emotional burden on their own, manage everything and always look good. But this is impossible. If you are worried too much, you can and should accept help. Ask your spouse, friends, relatives about it.

Moreover, at such moments the child sometimes asks questions that can cause you even more pain. He does this not out of sadistic motives, but because he instantly grasps the parent’s mood. This can be very difficult, so such questions should be answered by a person who is less susceptible to anxiety.

You don't have to follow the rules that you think exist in society. Some say that the child needs to be told and shown everything. It really should be left up to the parents' discretion. You must be confident in what you are doing and trust your intuition.

Sometimes, on the contrary, hiding certain things from a child may be the wrong step. If you lie about the reason for your bad mood, he will not be able to understand why you are experiencing these emotions and will begin to fantasize about things that would never have occurred to you. He may, for example, feel guilty for your upset or begin to fear that there is a conflict between his parents and they are going to get a divorce.

Death is always an emotionally intense event. It should not be hidden from the child, but try to protect him from severe shocks.

What should I say

Below I give a general outline of the conversation. Remember - not all at once! This is just an indicative structure for understanding how to answer the questions! The plan will be enough for several conversations, maybe even several dozen conversations. You can adapt the story to suit the age of your children, making it more difficult or easier. If you are religious, then you need to add the position of your religion to this story, replacing passages that contradict it.

Death only happens to living beings. All living beings die. Usually, at first they live a long time, grow, learn, have children, and then they grow old, their body begins to work worse. This is called old age. Most die in old age because a poorly functioning body eventually stops working altogether. Sometimes people die young, but very rarely, mostly in old age, having lived for many years and managed to do a lot of things. Some people get sick and die from the disease. But most diseases do not lead to death; usually we recover and can move on with our lives. I think that you and I will live for a very long time.

When a person dies, he stops breathing. Their internal organs refuse to work, they can no longer be repaired or started (for example, the heart no longer beats or blood flows through the vessels, food is not digested). The one who has died does not move, does not feel anything, he is no longer in pain or afraid, neither warm nor cold. You can no longer communicate with him. All this will not change, his body will not become alive again.

The body of someone who has died is not simply left in an apartment or hospital. Different countries have different ways of what to do next. In our country, dead people are buried, that is, they put the body in a special wooden box called a coffin. Then they dig a hole in the cemetery, lower the coffin there, bury it and put a piece of stone with a photograph, all this is called a grave. In other countries (and sometimes here too), the bodies of deceased people are burned in a special oven, and the ashes are poured into a special beautiful vase called an urn. The vase is usually not buried in the ground, but placed in a special cell in the cemetery - a columbarium, or kept at home.

A cemetery is a place where many different people are buried. Their families and friends come there, place flowers on the grave and remember the one who died. It's important for people to do this because we all miss those we can no longer spend time with and communicate with.

When a person dies, those who love him become upset and often cry. They regret that they will no longer see this person and will not be able to do together what they used to love - after all, he lies in a coffin, in the ground, and his body is no longer alive. So the family and friends of the deceased person often feel lonely and sad. It’s normal to miss, be sad and cry because the people we love are no longer with us, and we can’t be with them, and we feel sorry.

It is not known for sure whether there is something after death or not. So far no one has returned from there to tell. Different people think different things about this. There are those who think that a person is then born again and lives another life, like another living being. There are those who believe that a person then goes to a special good place called heaven. There are those who think that then the person simply does not exist, just as he did not exist before birth, and he remains in the memory of those who knew him. When you don't know something for sure, you can choose what to believe. You too can choose or come up with your own theory.

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Does a child need to attend a funeral?

First of all, it depends on age. A very small child should not attend a burial or cremation - this is a difficult process even for an adult. After 7 years, you can ask the child himself if he wants to go to the funeral, be sure to ask again a little later. If the answer is yes, then you need to decide which of your loved ones will take on the responsibility of being with the child all the time, without being distracted by their own emotions.

If the child himself wants to attend the funeral, do not dissuade him, but explain in advance that some pictures at the funeral may shock him and seem scary (a grave, lowering the coffin into the ground or into the crematorium oven), but this is a natural process, and now there is no need to worry about the deceased. He will not be dark, cold, hot, scared or lonely there, because his soul has left his body. An invisible ghost flies somewhere nearby, waiting for us to say goodbye and release it to heaven.

After the funeral, try to quickly return to the normal rhythm of life, but do not expect your child to quickly come to terms with the absence of a beloved family member. According to psychologists, the pain of loss subsides after 8 weeks. If after this the child cannot return to normal life (he is tormented by nightmares, nocturnal enuresis, the theme of death can be seen in his games and drawings), it is worth contacting a child psychologist.

What to avoid

Drawing analogies with sleep: “fell asleep forever,” “it’s like a dream.” Most children, especially younger ones, do not yet know how to think abstractly; they may think that one can die in a dream or that sleep is death. There may be problems with falling asleep, fear of the dark, fear of being alone, etc. On the contrary, explain to the child how sleep differs from death: in a dream, our body continues to work, the heart continues to beat, blood continues to flow through the vessels, normal body temperature remains and flows absolutely all physiological processes.
Use of stereotypical expressions: “passed away to another world,” “set off on his last journey.” Initially, these expressions are just a way for us not to come into contact with naked emotions regarding death, but children do not yet understand their meaning, so they can interpret them very directly - for example, he went on vacation and died there. They may begin to be afraid to travel somewhere. It is better to use ordinary words - died, death, coffin, funeral, grave.
Lies. Everything is simple here. Don’t teach children something that they are guaranteed to forget later, don’t tell them something that you plan to “re-tell” later with other content when you know how. All temporary and not entirely honest statements to children are in one way or another connected with the anxiety or helplessness of the adults themselves, and not with the need to lie and not with the mental fragility of children. Children are often told that a pet has “gone to the village” instead of being told about its death, as if to protect them from unpleasant experiences. Those who have experienced this can confirm that it only made things worse. So the best option for the child is to adapt the truth and ask for help if this doesn’t work out very well.
Lots of fussy words to fill awkward pauses and hide embarrassment. Yes, children can be sad and unpleasant, and parents instinctively rush to calm them down. But if you always try to protect a child from everything, how will he develop his own defense mechanisms? It is important to give space for this, children are strong enough to cope with discomfort. So, if there are pauses in the conversation, or you find it difficult to answer, or find something uncomfortable, do not rush to throw a blanket of words, just sit together silently. This is such a difficult conversation, it's normal.

Religion in conversations about death

Religion is an important source of strength and support for many people, including when facing death. Religious explanations really help children if they are given adjusted to their children's perceptions and with an understanding of why this is being done.

A common route that many non-religious parents take when trying to explain death to a child is to add words and concepts from the religious paradigm into the story, such as heaven, angels, etc.

On the one hand, it’s easier, and parents can understand. On the other hand, if the child was not raised in this paradigm initially, he may become anxious and afraid.

Therefore, if you decide to use some of these ideas, but they are relatively new to the child, be especially careful with this.

If you use expressions like “God took away”, “he is now with God in heaven” - remember that children tend to interpret everything literally, so they may decide that God suddenly takes away whoever he wants, which means he will take them too.
Introduce the concept of “death is God's will” carefully: the child may think that God is evil and wants people to die, that God may want someone else in the child's family to die, or even himself.
You shouldn’t get carried away with depictions of paradise as a wonderful place where everyone feels good and where everyone dreams of going. Children, with their literal understanding, may themselves want to go there, especially if, according to this theory, someone very dear to them is already there. There are cases where children tried to harm themselves in order to die and finally go to heaven.
If you talk about how the dead “look at us from the sky”, “are invisibly present everywhere”, “remain in our hearts”, clarify that this does not mean the physical presence of the dead in the child’s room and that the corpse will not follow him .
If you are promoting the idea that the deceased is better off there (in heaven, in paradise), that he is happy there, make sure that this does not sound like “all is for the best.” This can happen because of your experiences, because you yourself do not really believe in heaven and eternal life, and because of the child’s own difficult emotions. Regardless of how reassuring the religious explanation is, death is in any case the loss of someone who lived and was dear, it is a time of grief and sadness. It is important not to prevent the child from understanding this and not to confuse him, also so that he can share his feelings and receive support.

All these recommendations are not for deeply religious people (it would never have occurred to me that I could teach them anything), but for those parents who turned to religious images precisely in the context of a conversation about death, out of confusion and anxiety.

If a pet dies

Children become very attached to pets that grow up with them. Therefore, the death of a beloved dog, cat or even a hamster is the loss of a childhood friend. If the family's furry pet has died, there is no need to hide it from the child or say that he went for a walk and did not return. When an animal runs away, there is always hope that it will return home. The baby will look for him with his eyes, listen to every rustle and wait in vain for the pet.

If you value the memory of an animal that was part of the family, you should never simply get rid of it. Show your animal off with dignity. You can call a special service, a person will come to you and take the body. In some cities there are organizations that take animals for cremation, and owners can post a photo and a few kind words about the pet in an electronic cemetery. In this case, leave a note with your child, let him express his feelings - how he will miss him, how he will miss the affection of his pet. Let him understand that mourning the dead, even animals, and yearning for them is absolutely normal, there is no need to be ashamed of these tears.

You can bury the animal yourself. Perform the ritual with your child, let him say goodbye to the pet, and help bury the grave with earth. You can put a bouquet of wildflowers on the mound. Funerals provide an opportunity to recognize the transition of a being from one state to another. Here the beloved pet was part of the family and was nearby, and now the house was empty. He remained there, in the ground, and this cannot be changed in any way.

What to do with fears

Death is not the easiest or most serene topic to discuss, so talking about it can agitate a child. It is worth understanding which reactions are normal, and which are a reason for reflection and, perhaps, seeking help.

The most common reaction of children is anxiety and fear. In psychology, there is a separate theory that some children's fears are actually a fear of death: for example, fear of the dark and monsters under the bed, war and natural disasters, fire.

What can happen New fears may appear or old ones may temporarily become actualized. The child may have nightmares, have trouble falling asleep or wake up at night. He can psychologically return to a younger age (regress), for example, wee the bed, lisp, play with old toys. He may become more anxious.

What is normal The very appearance of fears and regression as a reaction to the topic of death is normal, if they last no more than 6-8 weeks, can be spoken out and their intensity gradually decreases.

When to go to a child psychologist When fears last longer than two to three months, when they are too harsh in content (like bloody guts), when they prevent the child from being happy and doing normal things, when the child’s reaction to a trigger is very violent, even leading to physical symptoms: vomiting, urination or bowel movements, abdominal pain. This rarely happens solely from conversations about death; rather, other stressors should also be suspected. We need to find out which ones and what is going on.

What to do and what not to do Avoid fear triggers and scary places whenever possible. Talk about the cause of fears. Believe the child, do not devalue fear. Teach different ways to cope with fear, show what can be done to make it easier. Constantly assure that you are with him and will help him in any way. Drawing fears or playing with them - they, as you know, cannot stand this and disappear. Hang a dream catcher in the room. Under no circumstances should you encourage your child to “face fear.”

Results

How to tell a three-year-old child about the death of a grandparent? Be patient, honest and ready to answer all questions. Death is a natural course of life, it surrounds us and is visible in every natural process. After realizing the loss, a child may experience completely different feelings: anger, resentment, sadness, loneliness. The adult’s task is to support and help him survive this experience. In this case, he will form a correct idea of death, which will allow him to more easily cope with losses in the future.

Good Metaphors to Explain Death

Death is the rule for living beings. Someday there comes a time when life ends and it cannot be undone. This is the rule.
Death is like the final breakdown of a car that has stopped and can no longer be started. She was completely broken.
Living things die and this makes room for new living things. New living beings constantly come to replace the dead.
When the sun sets, the day dies and night comes, and then the sun rises and another day is born.

The main thing I would like to say is: next to death there is always life. Death and life are connected in such a way that it is impossible to separate them (and it is not necessary). Everything is born, lives and dies. This is a necessary cycle that makes our world what it is. There would be no new things if things, people and processes did not end. You will notice this yourself when you start talking about death with your child or even thinking about it with yourself.

After something dark and dead, you always want something bright, active, warm and alive. And this is normal - death and life go hand in hand, and as soon as you can understand this with your heart, it becomes very easy and calm.

How can I explain to you: Finding the right words to talk to children

Ekaterina Sigitova

There has been grief in the family: what to do?

If a tragedy has occurred in the family and you need to tell the child about the death of the mother, father or other close relative, this should be done by someone with whom the child has a trusting relationship.

Don't pretend that nothing happened , even with good intentions. Children feel emotions without words, and if the baby feels tension and is not told anything, it scares him: what if he did something bad?
Don't come up with explanations why all family members look confused or cry sobbing. Everything in the house has changed: no one laughs, for some reason they covered the mirrors in the apartment with towels, one of the family members is constantly crying into the phone. Tell the truth. Dad didn't go on a long business trip, or grandma isn't at home, not because she went on a trip around the world. If you cannot tell it like it is now, you will deprive your child of memories to cope with the loss later. Even if he is still small, in years to come he will still realize what happened and will be able to grieve.
Establish contact with the child, catch his eye. Be calm and look him in the eyes, hold his hand. Perhaps he will remember this moment many more times, and he should feel trust and support.
Don't take your child by surprise. Choose a convenient moment to talk when the baby is well-fed, sleepy, and in a good mood, but do not talk to him in his room. He doesn’t need to hear things like that in his nursery. Control yourself. Do not fall into hysterics and sobs, surrendering to your grief, think about the child: you are an adult, and in front of you is a defenseless child who is left without a person close to him. The child does not know what kind of life awaits him. Which one of you has it harder?
Speak clearly and understandably. There is no need to complicate the conversation with phrases like: “You see, trouble happened, your grandfather passed away untimely.” Speak clearly: “There has been grief in the family. Grandfather died." Pause and then repeat: “Your beloved grandfather has died.”
You must support and reassure your baby. His reaction is unpredictable: he may ask again, run away, cry, start screaming or get scared. If the child wants to be alone, let him, come to him later. Maybe he won’t react at all, or suddenly invites you to play - this is normal, he’s in a state of shock. Even some adults in a shock situation behave strangely or as if nothing happened. The body tries to protect itself from stress.
Do not put your child in a “vacuum”, protecting him from any information that reminds him of death. On the contrary, talk to him if he asks. It will be unnecessary to overload the child’s brain with details about heaven and hell, about God’s will, otherwise the child may hate God for taking away his loved one. An explanation is enough for him that dad (mom, grandmother, grandfather) has turned into an invisible angel, will now watch him from the clouds, and sometimes can come in a dream.
Give confidence in the future , that everything will continue to happen the same as before. Follow the regime, attend classes if the child goes somewhere. Continue to take him to kindergarten - he does not need to watch the sobs and groans of family members around the clock. If your child begins to be afraid of the dark or falls asleep alone, stay with him until he falls asleep. If things are really bad, then take him to your place for the night, but only as an exception, otherwise he will get used to sleeping with you.