What to do if your wife wants to divorce (how to save your marriage)

In Russia, the divorce rate reaches 50-55%, and, according to research, women file for divorce an order of magnitude more oftenthan men.

Not all husbands who are faced with their wife's desire to divorce agree that this is a good decision.

If a wife has filed for divorce or is about to file, she can usually still be convinced, but to do this her husband needs to be ready to change.

I want to divorce my wife: how to inform her about this? Advice from psychologists will help you!

Why did this happen?

As a rule, a man whose wife decided to leave him knows very well why she made this decision.

If the reasons are not clear enough, he should politely and without the slightest aggression, even veiled, ask his wife to clearly list them verbally or, if she is uncomfortable discussing this in a real conversation, in writing (in a social network chat, on a piece of paper).

Main reasons for divorce:

1. Violence by husband. It is widespread in Russian families, and often they even try to present it as something normal, especially women and men who belong to the traditional family structure.
   But in fact, violence is unacceptable, and every woman who decides to get married should be protected from it.
2. Pathological addictions. This is another common reason for divorce. Pathological addictions usually mean alcoholism and drug addiction. However, there may be other pathological addictions, for example, gambling addiction.
3. Unfavorable social and living conditions. Rare couples are truly capable of being happy if they chronically lack money and do not have their own home. For developed countries this problem is less relevant, but for Russia and the countries closest to it, more so.
4. Treason. A spouse can cheat for various reasons. One of them is the desire to “get” what is missing in other respects. Typically, such betrayals occur if there are already noticeable problems in official relations. The second type of betrayal has nothing to do with how the relationship between the spouses develops; it’s just that the husband either unexpectedly fell in love or decided to have a good time.
5. Inability to get along together due to character traits, dissatisfaction with negative traits. This often happens if a man and woman were in a hurry to get married. During the period of falling in love, people overly idealize their partner (this is how hormones work), but then the passion fades, and it turns out that everything is not at all as rosy as it seemed.
6. Unequal distribution of responsibilities.
   If a wife works and carries out life with children alone, and a man declares that taking on part of the household responsibilities is not a man’s business, there is a high probability that sooner or later she will get tired of this and file for divorce.
7. Frivolity of one or both spouses. Young people who grew up on fairy tales about love are not always ready to take on duties and responsibilities, are not able to withstand difficulties and often do not realize that problems are solved not with the help of hysterics, but with the help of constructive and polite dialogues. Such couples often break up.
8. Lack of attention from the spouse. If a husband has hobbies, his wife may not like them because he devotes less time to her because of them. Also, women often feel a lack of attention in cases where men have very long working hours or their work involves frequent and long trips.

In most cases, wives file for divorce if there are several reasons or one compelling reason. At the same time, women are much less likely to leave men if they become disabled or deteriorate in appearance. Among men there are many more who consider such reasons significant enough for divorce.

Factors that increase the likelihood of divorce are:

• severe somatic illnesses of one or both spouses that arose before or after marriage,
• mental illness of one or both spouses (depression, neurosis, anxiety disorders, schizophrenia, bipolar disorder and others) that arose before or after marriage.
• birth of a child,
• middle age crisis.

Who will the children stay with?

Such a delicate moment as “dividing a child” should happen as smoothly and confidentially as possible. Parents in this situation must decide for themselves who the child will stay with. It is also necessary to take into account the child’s opinion so as not to infringe on his rights.

However, there are situations in which parents cannot adequately approach this issue. In the event of a conflict situation, a decision on this issue is made by the court. The court tries to resolve the situation as independently as possible and understand with whom the child will be better off.

Both magistrates and federal judges deal with issues of divorce in the presence of common minor children. This hearing is in the nature of a civil trial. The parents in it occupy the following position: the plaintiff is the one who filed the application for divorce, and the defendant is the one to whom this application is addressed.

With the help of civil proceedings, the court adequately evaluates both parents and decides with whom the child will be better off. Most often, the decision is made in favor of the mother. A decision in favor of the father is made in very extreme situations, for example: alcoholism, drug addiction of the mother, gambling addiction.

If the spouses do not have any disagreements about who the child will live with, then the divorce is made through a magistrate. In this case, the judge is convinced that there is no conflict and makes a verdict that there is no violation of the rights and freedoms of minor children.

Once convinced of the legality and non-conflict, the court divorces the spouses on their terms.

How to avoid divorce?

How to convince your wife not to get a divorce? Tips for men who want to prevent family breakdown:

1. No violence. And this applies to physical, psychological, and sexual. Consider your spouse’s wishes, do not put pressure on her, do not insult her, or force her to have sex. And there’s nothing to say about beatings, even rare ones.
2. Be polite, friendly, accustom yourself and your spouse to the idea that all problems should be resolved constructively in joint discussions. Hysterics and aggression do not solve problems, but only create additional ones. So it won't be possible to dissuade her from leaving.
3. Learn to accept criticism and work on yourself. If the criticism is truly constructive, of course, and was expressed during a comfortable dialogue, and not in a fit of anger.
   It is important to distinguish criticism from insult. If an indignant woman said various unpleasant things during a scandal, it is important to let her calm down and discuss everything again later, making it clear that you are ready to listen and are not going to show aggression.
4. Help with housework. Even if a woman doesn’t work and basically copes with everything, do it anyway: this is your home too. There is nothing shameful in washing the dishes, vacuuming the room, wiping up a spilled drink, preparing dinner or helping with organizing a holiday, especially since your wife is still your wife, and not a free cleaner and cook. And if a woman works or takes care of a small child, it is even more necessary to take a constructive approach to the distribution of responsibilities.
5. Trust. Trust is the basis of a healthy and strong family. At the same time, it is necessary to distinguish trust from intrusion into personal areas under the pretext that one needs to trust. Every person should be able to have something personal, even if they have a spouse. Trust assumes that you will be ready to share your thoughts, experiences, ideas with your spouse, just like her, and each of you in the dialogue will receive support, and not aggression or indifference.

It is also extremely important to accept and support your spouse, to realize that time and illness can change her externally and internally, and to be ready to accept her later.

Stages of relationship restoration

After the crisis has passed and the decision to divorce has been postponed, it is necessary to prevent the situation from repeating. To do this, you need to restore your relationship with your wife step by step:

1. Establishing mutual understanding. Voice problems and experiences. Don't repeat the mistakes your wife points out.
2. Regaining trust. Convince your wife that the person she lives next to deserves to believe his words. If you make a promise, keep your word.
3. Improved romance. A necessary stage when spouses again feel tenderness and original passion for each other. To surprise and delight, you need imagination.
4. Sex . It is necessary in marriage. It will take less time for a man to feel passion for his wife again, so be patient. A period of abstinence may be required.

What to do if the wife filed documents in court?

How to keep your wife from getting a divorce? In most cases, men have known for a long time that their woman has decided to leave, and her action does not become news .

However, if a man does not want to separate, he still has some time to try to rectify the situation, especially if the decision to divorce was spontaneous rather than deliberate: the laws of most countries provide for a time period between filing an application and the actual divorce so that the spouses We discussed everything again and perhaps changed our minds.

During the trial, you should communicate that you do not want to get a divorce and ask for time for reconciliation.

The duration of this period varies and depends on the presence or absence of children of the couple, the reasons for the divorce and other factors. It is also important to find a lawyer.

In some cases, trying to change a wife’s decision is extremely difficult , in fact impossible. This usually happens in the following cases:

• one of the main reasons, systematic violence,
• the family was already on the verge of divorce, you promised to change, but did little,
• You suffer from a pathological addiction that is destroying your family, and attempts to recover have repeatedly failed.

What to tell your wife so she doesn't get a divorce? If you do not want your wife to leave, and you managed to get time for reconciliation, it is important :

1. Try to come to an agreement, find compromises on every pressing problem. Before the conversation, try to let your spouse understand that you are not going to resort to aggression. Throughout the dialogue, remain calm, be extremely polite and attentive.
   Your task: ask your wife about the problems she sees in the relationship and find out what non-divorce solutions she can offer.

   Also try to gently offer your own options and offer to discuss them too. If you cannot implement something in principle or in the short term, report it and provide constructive arguments.

2. After discussion, begin to change the situation so that your wife sees that you are ready to work on the problem and take responsibility. Nobody needs empty promises. If you really want to save your family, you need to change, depending on what compromises you and your wife came to during the dialogue: change your job to a better paying one, be more polite and restrained, pay attention more often, look for common interests.
3. Make an appointment with a family psychologist and invite your wife to visit him. It is advisable to do this after a relative understanding with her has already been established, since otherwise you may receive a negative reaction. If your wife is distrustful of such specialists, you can try to tell her about the positive experiences of other people, preferably those she knows personally. A psychologist will help you find problems in the family and find a solution.
4. Contact a psychotherapist if you feel that you cannot cope with everything that is happening or think that some mental illness may affect your behavior.
   If you have noticed that in recent months or years you have been feeling excessive irritability, apathy, melancholy, you find it difficult to control yourself, and you get tired quickly, going to a psychotherapist may be a good idea.

Alimony

Alimony is paid by the spouse who does not live with the child, directly to the child or to his legal representative (former spouse). They can be established either voluntarily by mutual consent of the parents or directly through the court.

If the father of the child does not want or cannot pay alimony of his own free will, then the mother is obliged to go to court. For the mother of a child who demands child support, the father's employer is required to provide a certificate of his income. The mother should only demand the original of the writ of execution; if she receives a copy, she has the right to demand the original. After receiving the writ of execution, it is necessary to calculate and withhold alimony. This is usually done by the court. For one child, one-fourth of the father’s income is withheld; for two children, one-third is withheld.

From what payments is alimony withheld?

Alimony may be deducted from an employee's wages, bonuses, vacation pay, rent received, and dividends.

What payments cannot be withheld from alimony?

Alimony cannot be withheld only from money paid as compensation.

How to behave?

Advice from psychologists:

1. Discuss with your wife the details of how you will interact after the divorce. During all dialogues, remain calm and polite. Possible topics for discussion: financial assistance to children born in marriage, communication and frequency of meetings with them, relationships after divorce (opportunities for friendship, friendship), the issue of division of property and other issues that a man and woman might have. Of course, if a woman is very angry with her almost ex-husband, such a dialogue is hardly possible.
2. See a therapist if you feel like you can't cope. Increased irritability, mood swings, prolonged depression, emptiness, a feeling that life is meaningless, excessive fatigue, increased cravings for alcohol and other stimulants, difficulties with concentration, all these are reasons to visit a specialist.
3. Take care of yourself. Try not to let thoughts about the impending divorce significantly worsen your mental state. Do what you like more often, to distract yourself, communicate with friends.
4. Analyze the reasons that led to what happened : perhaps it makes sense to change something in yourself to make it easier to establish relationships with someone in the future.

If possible, it is important not to offend your wife and those around her during this period and in the future: you should keep your face in any situation.

Communication with children

The procedure for communication between a child and a parent who does not live with him is established on a strictly individual basis. In an ideal situation, the mother does not prohibit communication with the child and the father spending weekends with him. However, there are situations when the mother prevents the child from communicating with the father.

What to do in this difficult situation?

In this case, it is better for the father to go to court to defend his right to communicate with the child. The court considers this situation individually and makes an individual decision.

A special schedule must be drawn up, which will spell out:

1. Allow the father to call the child via video and audio in his free time.

2. Give the father the opportunity to pick up the child from school, sections, and individual lessons.

3. Allow the father to spend weekends and holidays with the child.

Deadline for reconciliation

If one of the spouses does not strive to maintain the relationship, the law will not be able to prevent this. The defendant will only gain time, which the judge will have to think about the decision. The main thing is to convince the judge that family relationships can still be saved. The maximum period for reconciliation set by the court is up to three months. During this period, you can try to improve your family life. Although in most cases, a temporary delay only delays the divorce process. The couple will still be divorced if one party insists on it.

Common mistakes men make during divorce.

The most common mistakes after divorce:

• Hasty entry into new relationships or chaotic, numerous connections. In this case, the wedge cannot be knocked out with a wedge. A man very often after a divorce strives to start a new relationship, thereby proving to himself, his ex and society that he is in demand, stroking his pride, drowning out the feeling of melancholy. As practice shows, new relationships against the backdrop of old wounds and grievances will not be successful and will also fail.
• Conflicts with your spouse, showdowns, and disputes will only lead to increased stress on both sides.
• Self-isolation. Cutting off ties with society, friends, relatives, the desire to sever all social ties, self-flagellation, searching for a problem, soul-searching, endless analysis of the situation, isolation will only worsen your well-being and situation.
• Alcohol, drug abuse and other types of psychological and chemical addictions.