Navigation through the article “Manipulation in relationships and emotions. Part 1: Manipulation and emotions - what’s the connection?”:
- Preamble
- Why are manipulations possible?
- Manipulation or simply expressing feelings: what is the difference between manipulation in a relationship and an emotional message?
One of my friends lived with her grandmother as a teenager. Every time she came home later than she should have, the house smelled strongly of Corvalol. Now she is already an adult woman, but all the same, if a tart herbal smell is heard somewhere, she begins to feel guilty.
Move away, the manipulator is working
Nature has decreed that any person has a set of feelings that can resonate strongly when targeted against them.
Each of us has our own set of defense mechanisms against attempts at manipulation, but everyone has a weak spot - if you pick it with special phrases and techniques, then stress is inevitable, and, as you know, when you are stressed, you are weak and you can be controlled. As you might guess, many women very effectively use manipulating men for their own purposes. Why, not only women, but also our friends and parents do this to us, some deliberately pursue personal interests, and others try to manipulate on a whim, because everyone does it. Of course, no one wants to be driven and dependent, so you need to know these tools. Below we provide a list of phrases, if you hear them, know that there is a manipulator next to you. Forewarned is forearmed.
From euphoria to depression
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In this novel, she went through all the circles of hell and eventually lost herself - this is how Tatyana, a Minsk resident, described her five-year marriage in a conversation with a psychologist.
A classic of the genre of manipulative relationships: love and euphoria at the stage of acquaintance and dating, expensive gifts, compliments, plans for the future - Vadim did not skimp on anything: “I behaved like a child who hopes for a miracle and finally gets it,
” recalls Tatyana events of long ago.
— I was 30 years old then, had an unsuccessful marriage behind me, and was a single mother.
Like any woman, I wanted love, care, understanding, trust, warmth. With Vadim I felt like a goddess. Now, of course, it’s funny, but then I literally hovered above the ground, my gait even changed, it became so light and graceful. I remembered this feeling of euphoria, and all subsequent years, when not a trace of it remained, I was delirious with the hope of returning that time, that outburst of emotions, that look that my beloved man gave me. Then, more than five years ago, Tatyana enthusiastically shared her happiness with the whole world: her pages on social networks were full of joint photos, she introduced Vadim to her son and parents (the man managed to charm everyone!). However, already three months after the start of the affair, something went wrong: rare letters, messages were ignored. Vadim began to cancel planned meetings more often, he was irritated and angry.
“But I was already “stuck” on him, so I believed that these were temporary difficulties. After all, he proposed to me! True, we were unable to submit documents to the registry office the first time: Vadim did not come. Then he said that he had some urgent work to do. Of course I forgave. Because I could no longer imagine my existence without him.
Family life did not begin at all as Tatyana had hoped. Vadim no longer occasionally, but almost every other day, threw her hysterics and scandals, constantly manipulated her with feelings of guilt, and was offended if his wife tried to insist on her own. The stepfather's relationship with his stepson did not work out. Upset Tatyana blamed herself for everything:
“I fell asleep and woke up with one thought: I hope he will be in a good mood today!” And if the morning began with Vadim’s smile, I was ready to dance with joy. This is a terrible period of life: I’m constantly on my nerves, trying to fix something, satisfy my husband’s whims, reshaping my worldview to suit his needs - as long as he is satisfied, if only he gives me a kind word and a look. I was exhausted then, racking my brains over how to return to the fairy tale in which we lived in the first months after we met. Relatives said: “Be patient, marriage is not a holiday, but daily work on yourself!” But the problem is that I was the only one who worked on myself. Vadim all this time behaved like a capricious spoiled child. In fact, the family now had two children, and my son Kirill in many respects seemed older and more intelligent.
Well, then what happened most often happens in “manipulator-victim” relationships: making sure that his wife was firmly on the hook, Vadim left Tatyana. No explanation. He turned off his phone and spent a whole week, which seemed like an eternity to his wife, living with a friend at his dacha.
“I hate to talk about how I behaved then.” She blamed herself for the breakup, wrote him endless text messages begging him to come back, and stood guard at the checkpoint at work. One day he knelt down, and his colleagues saw it. Such a shame! It was a terrible addiction. It seemed to me that if only he agreed to be together, I would do everything for him. And the worst thing is that this is what happened. Vadim “thawed out” and said that he was ready to start all over again, but only if my son moved to live with his grandmother. And I went for it. Do you think something has changed? Two months of paradise, and then - for no apparent reason, ignorance, new whims, discontent. The reason is my pregnancy. At some point I realized: everything is repeating itself, only on a steeper section of the spiral. My husband had already deprived me of a child from my first marriage, and now he insisted that I have an abortion from him. This operation completely sobered me up. I fell into a black depression. What will happen next? Am I going to spend the rest of my life as an “emotional slave”? Or is there still a way out? It was then that I found articles on the Internet about manipulative behavior. And for the first time I realized that all this time I had been used, pulled strings to achieve what I wanted. I went to a psychologist, filed for divorce a month later, forced Vadim to leave my apartment and began to mend my damaged relationship with my son.
Age discrimination
Zuckerberg earned his first yard at your age - sound familiar?
We agree that respect for elders is good. Grandmothers need to give in, children listen to their parents, schoolchildren listen to their teachers. But some people try to use their age to control other people. We hear the following phrases all the time:
“It’s time to grow up”, “You’re like a child” - a typical manipulation based on age. A priori, in the eyes of the manipulator, an adult is necessarily successful, educated and smart. The abundance of elderly slackers does not bother anyone; their years are an achievement and merit. The range of such methods also includes “Why are you arguing, I’m older,” or, for example, “Napoleon commanded a regiment at your age” - which, in the opinion of the manipulator, should smash your authority against the rock of some character’s achievements.
The most interesting thing is that similar practices also occur in the opposite direction, when you are charged with your advanced age if you are a man.
How to identify a manipulator
To convict such a person, it is necessary to know by heart the qualities of his character. We already know that such types often prey on timid and gullible girls. So, as soon as the acquaintance begins, he will immediately begin to pour oil into his ears and ask questions that will make the woman ready to immediately go down the aisle with him. He inspires trust, his words speak of participation and kindness. And what ladies usually do is melt and immediately begin to share their most intimate things, which is her main mistake. After all, detailed information about her and her loved ones is exactly what is needed.
He is especially interested in stories about her failures and unsightly situations. And if he is an experienced and talented manipulator, he will be able to extract this from a gullible lady. Further worse - he uses negativity to his advantage. No, we are not talking about open blackmail. It’s just that as time goes on, he will now and then reproach her for past misdeeds. Thus, he awakens in her a feeling of shame, guilt, duty, femininity, etc. And it comes to the point that a woman feels insignificant, worthless, sinful, unscrupulous. In short, the worst in the world. To understand how negatively such a man’s attitude towards a woman can affect, we offer an illustrative example. We would like to point out right away that the story is difficult.
“Veronica met Kirill at the bus stop. Circumstances so happened that she had her car repaired and was forced to get to work by bus. As it turned out, approximately the same story happened to Kirill. Only he didn’t send it for repairs, but sold his car and was now going to a car dealership to purchase a brand new foreign car.
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Veronica is the true embodiment of feminine beauty and tenderness. A lot of men were running after her, but she took a liking to this young man and that’s it. In addition, she was captivated by the following simple situation. She did not have a ticket, and the conductor became indignant about this. Here Kirill came to the rescue. They started dating, then she moved in with him.
We lived for about two months. And then she began to notice that he stopped having feelings for her. And on you, pregnancy. She informed Kira, but he flatly demanded to get rid of the baby. Vera obeyed and made a fatal mistake. When she was recovering from anesthesia, he came into the clinic with a huge bouquet of flowers. It felt like congratulations on getting rid of the child. She was in great pain, she was destroyed, humiliated. Further - worse. Still, she forgave Kira for his cruelty and selfishness. And he realized that she could be manipulated in any way, because she forgave the unforgivable. This means she is head over heels in love and will agree to anything.
To begin with, he invited her to break up, she cried. Kirill led her to the bathroom - pointed to the mop and rags, then to the kitchen - and pointed with his finger to the stove, pots, pans. In short, he made her a housekeeper, a slave who did not have to pay anything. Moreover, he could use her intimate services at any time and she, no matter how terrible it may be, was happy. It was enough for her to have him nearby. And how he treats her doesn’t matter.
After about 2 weeks, he brought a new passion into the house with him and, without shame in front of Vera, retired with her in the bedroom. It is not known how long this situation would have lasted and what our heroine would have become if not for the sudden visit of her father. He was shocked by what he saw, his daughter turned into a silent and timid creature, a lamb, ready to do anything for the sake of her loved one. Fortunately, the man managed to put the insolent manipulator in his place, but Vera also heard a lot of unflattering expressions about herself. He took his daughter, treated him for a long time with psychologists, even went to a psychiatrist, and she seemed to come to her senses, and Kirya spent six months recovering from the beatings.”
What do you think of this real-life example? Agree - the story is terrible. In a matter of weeks, you can turn a beauty into a free cleaning lady and destroy her essence, humiliate her in any way you like. And how beautifully it all started, he protected her from the usher, giving her his ticket, in the first days he arranged surprises, gave flowers, etc. and so on. Is it worth being exposed to such influence and or does it still make sense to preserve your human face? No, we do not want to claim that such examples are common in life. Typically, manipulations are intended to strengthen family relationships, obtain benefits, and even as a game to stimulate intimate “appetite.”
Are you a good dancer?
Questions about being male accompany us throughout our lives. The “If you are a man” method is used everywhere and for any reason. A man is something sacred that should make you tremble and want to prove to everyone that you are him. At the other end of the manipulative whip there is the phrase “Why are you like a girl,” which should motivate you to the action desired by the manipulator even more than before.
In rare moments of your despair, you can hear “You’re falling apart, get yourself together,” which translates as “stop showing your emotions, they’re not interesting to me.” There are also more radical forms - “Why are you whining like a woman,” but the manipulator can snatch away such interpretations.
How to avoid manipulation
Use the following tips to resist manipulation in any relationship:
- Know your basic rights When dealing with a manipulator, the most important thing is to know your rights and understand when they are being violated. As long as you don't harm other people, you have the right to stand up for yourself and protect yourself from anyone. On the other hand, if you harm other people, you may lose these rights.
- Focus on changing yourself, not the manipulator. It is useless to try to out-manipulate a skilled player; you will simply leave yourself vulnerable to further manipulation. You won't change a manipulator, so you need to focus on his shortcomings and try to achieve understanding. You might think it would be helpful to share with the manipulator how you feel and how their behavior affects you, but this is usually not helpful since most manipulators lack empathy and can use this information. The only effective method of changing manipulative behavior is to remove it by changing yourself. This will change the dynamics of a manipulative relationship. If you stop playing along with his every whim, you will automatically change the nature of your relationship. If manipulators have to work hard to maintain control in a relationship, they usually give up, leaving the relationship and finding someone else who is more controllable.
- Find out the value of this relationship for yourself Depending on the severity of the manipulation and the damage it has done to your sense of happiness and integrity, you may need to consider whether this relationship is worth pursuing. Of course, there are many situations (for example, parent - child) when you cannot simply cut this person out of your life. Therefore, it is useful to clarify for yourself what you want to achieve and evaluate how this relationship can lead to your personal goals.
- Use Confidence-Boosting Techniques to Change the Nature of Your Relationship You may be so used to obeying a manipulator's tactics that you automatically follow his orders without even thinking about it. You need to stop automatically fulfilling requirements. Pause, take time to think about each situation that arises. “We’ll come back to this conversation after I’ve thought it over.” At this stage you will be in control of the situation. The manipulator will insist on an immediate response in order to regain control. Just repeat the same thing over and over without explanation. "I need more time to think about this." "I will think about it". These words have special power. They can be used between a seller and a buyer, during romantic communication with an impatient pursuer, in family and everyday relationships, and in your work environment. Take the time to evaluate the pros and cons of the situation and consider whether you want to negotiate a fairer agreement or whether you're better off saying no.
- You need to confront the fear, anxiety, or guilt that in the past caused you to submit to the demands of the manipulator. This requires a deep understanding of yourself. Explore your personal feelings, why you react the way you do, and how to use alternative responses. This process requires a lot of effort and time, but it is worth it. This could save your relationship in the long run, or at least prepare you for another, healthier relationship.
- Identify the manipulation as it is “When you threaten to leave me, I become scared and anxious. You can just tell me what you want, it will be fair to me. I am able to calmly listen to you and understand you.” Say it without unnecessary emotion and with direct eye contact. Announce that the era of manipulation is over, it’s time to move on to trusting relationships. “We both understand that you have a habit of playing on my fears, and now you know how I feel about that. Your way of intimidating me won’t work anymore.” By making such clear statements, you define your boundaries. No need to threaten. Just state that you will no longer participate in manipulation. Let her know that by setting limits you are trying to improve your relationship.
- Focus on your relationship with the manipulator, asking him and yourself probing questions. Psychological manipulation in relationships inevitably comes down to requests or demands. A manipulator will make you bend over backwards to satisfy his needs. When you hear unreasonable requests, don't immediately comply. Focus all your attention on the manipulator. Ask him a few test questions to see if he is aware of his words and actions. Does he consider his request fair and justified? When you ask such questions, you put up a mirror so that the manipulator can see his trick from the outside. If the manipulator has a certain degree of self-awareness, he is likely to give up his demand and back down. On the other hand, pathological manipulators (such as narcissists) will brush off your questions and insist on their own. If this happens, use the following tips to maintain your power and stop the manipulation.
- Learn to say “No” not rudely, but firmly. Learning to say “No” not rudely, but firmly means practicing the art of communication. An effective refusal will allow you to defend your position while maintaining a workable relationship. Remember that your basic human rights include the right to set your own priorities, the right to refuse others without guilt, and the right to choose your own happy and healthy life.
- Safely resist aggressive manipulators Blackmail and manipulation in relationships do not pose any threat in themselves, as long as they do not turn into the threat of real violence. A psychological manipulator can become very aggressive, intimidating and harmful to another person. The most important thing to remember about bullies is that they choose a weak victim, so as long as you remain passive and compliant, you make yourself a target. Remember that many aggressors are very cowardly by nature. When their victims begin to show firmness and defend their rights, the aggressor gradually retreats. This rule applies to schoolyards as well as home and office spaces. On the other hand, research shows that many aggressors themselves become victims of violence. This in no way excuses their aggressive behavior, but it will help you look at the aggressive manipulator in a calmer light. When people don't like themselves, they have to compensate. The classic aggressor was actually once the first victim. Aggressive manipulation in love relationships most often occurs between those people who experienced violence in childhood and witnessed abuse between parents.
When faced with a classic aggressor, be sure to put yourself in a position where you can safely defend yourself. You have to consider the fact whether you are alone or whether there are other people nearby who can help you. If physical, verbal, or emotional abuse occurs, consult with legal, law enforcement, or administrative professionals. It is very important to stand up to the bully, and you should not do it alone. - Outline the consequences When a psychological manipulator insists on violating your personal boundaries and does not accept a firm refusal as an answer, tell him the consequences of his request. What will the manipulator get as a result, and what will it cost you? The ability to see and clearly articulate the consequences of your actions is one of the most important skills you can use to stop a manipulator. A person who knows how to sensibly assess a situation, see the upcoming consequences and not follow the manipulator’s lead deserves respect and no longer acts as a victim.
The execution will take place in the square
Once upon a time, the concept of private life was unknown; everyone worked at the same factory, collected wheat on the same collective farm, and all lived together in communal apartments. Therefore, the age categories 45+ are characterized by the “What will people say” manipulative method. The idea is that you should care what they think of you, so be like everyone else, don’t stand out, don’t stick your head out.
These same people may use the phrase “you’re selfish,” believing that this is an insult, after which you will do as they want. In fact, an egoist is a person who wants comfort for himself, and not for others. And attempts to accuse you of selfishness are nothing more than forcing you to act in the interests of others.
Believe, fear, ask
There is a whole scattering of phrases that call your personality, your own self into question. When you, as a human unit, mean nothing. You can be attacked directly, head-on - “no offense, but...” or “criticism must be treated with dignity” - the manipulator is trying to protect himself in advance before subjecting the target to criticism.
In addition, hiding behind an imaginary concern for ourselves, the manipulator often says the following: “this is for your own good” or “you’ll thank me later.” This very “later”, however, never happens. Such methods work better on very young people.
Which side of the scale are you on?
Very often in family disputes, women use the comparison method - “Look, your neighbor invested in Bitcoin, but you haven’t done anything.” Such practices greatly undermine the self-esteem of a person unprepared for such attacks. Often, after their mistakes, women repeat “you are constantly offended”, which together “that you are like a woman” produces a strong effect on a man.
It's not a problem at all
When you are looking for advice, approval or praise for your actions, then your interlocutor, be he decent, gives it to you. If you tell a manipulator about your problems, then be prepared to hear “You’re still complaining, look at yourself” and “People have problems, me too”... - you understand, your problems are insignificant and there is no point in talking about them.
Why is manipulation in relationships possible?
Humans are social creatures. Throughout human history, society has been the key to the survival of the individual. In order for society to exist as an integral entity, mechanisms of influence on its individual members had to appear.
Therefore, every (normal!) person is equipped with such a mechanism that makes him susceptible to the state of another person and social messages. This in itself is neither good nor bad - it is what makes other people taken into account, and generally allows humanity to be whole.
Emotions are one of the tools for people to influence each other.
Find out how to cope with your emotions at the webinar “ How to control your emotions ”
Expressing feelings is, among other things, a message to others about your condition. For example, an expression of anger suggests that it is better not to touch the one who is angry - he is ready to defend himself and fight.
In addition, the expression of feelings in others evokes our own emotions, prompting us to take certain actions. Comfort a child who is crying. Or run away from danger, succumbing to general fear. If we learn to distinguish within ourselves the response that the feelings of others find in us, this can become the basis for the development of empathy, the ability to empathize, and a better understanding of people.
But if the emotion is unpleasant, the person often does not want to remain in this state, and acts immediately, without having time to realize either himself or the situation. If he finds an action that relieves him of his worries, when similar feelings arise again, he simply repeats it.
In an effort to get rid of negative experiences, some people get used to acting reactively, and this becomes like a reflex. A developed stereotype is formed: situation - emotion - reaction. And this is bad because a person deprives himself of the opportunity to rethink the situation and act differently. People who are close to such a person also get used to the fact that he can be forced to act through a certain feeling.
For example, a mother who cannot bear her child’s tears prefers to appease him (with gifts, quick fulfillment of his wishes), just so that he calms down. At first, the child cries not in order to get something, but because he is sad, scared or offended, but then he gets used to the fact that in response to his tears there is a certain reaction from the parent, and then he begins to cry for a specific purpose.
But the mother does not try to figure out what is happening to her child, she cannot just be with him, comfort him. The child may receive some benefit from his tears, but at the same time he feels lonely and misunderstood. He gets used to the fact that his tears can be a tool to achieve a goal, but he cannot understand his experiences and learn to cope with them, because... Mom is doing everything to make them stop as soon as possible.
The child learns that people can be tools in achieving a goal, but not that they can simply be there and support. And besides, he does not gain the experience of experiencing feelings, searching for independent actions that could help him.
Why do men manipulate?
The purpose of manipulation in a relationship is to tie a person to you. But everyone has their own reasons for such behavior. Why does a man manipulate:
- he is used to always being in charge;
- he is afraid of losing you;
- He has low self-esteem and he asserts himself so much.
Before you begin to combat this behavior, you have to figure out its roots. In the first case, an attempt to suppress may already be a consequence of your behavior.
Look at the problem from the outside. You may be taking on a man's responsibilities and questioning his masculinity through your actions. In this case, you need to work on your femininity, upgrade your feminine wisdom and learn to be an affectionate cat alone with your loved one, and not a household general.
To do this, I invite you to my online training “Rose of Love, Femininity and Marriage.” Here you will learn secret techniques for communicating with men, gain inner confidence and be able to build strong, harmonious relationships.
Baborab on his knees for sex
Let’s look at a situation that happened to one man, and which he described in this way: “Probably, many women dream that their husband would somehow come home from work early and bring her a bouquet of flowers. Just like that, a bouquet, without any reason, and for no such reason, and not in honor of a memorable date. He just came and handed it over. And then she would clearly understand that this is love! It has not withered, but is still burning like many years ago; I would understand that my husband is still the same romantic as before...
And he suddenly comes early and brings a bouquet! And she greets him with the words: “Oh-oh-oh! Admit it, what did you do that made you decide to appease me with flowers?” And he doesn’t admit to anything, because he brought the bouquet absolutely just to please his wife. But grave suspicions will creep into her soul, giving her no peace. The thought will work to its fullest until it comes to the only correct decision that can rationally explain what happened - the husband had an unsuccessful date. Yes Yes! Naturally, he expected that after it he would come home at the usual time and left work earlier, and bought a bouquet for his mistress. But she didn’t come, or she came, but not to him, and he had to return home with nothing but this damn bouquet, and to hell with him..."
In this case, the woman instinctively used the situation to put her husband in the position of making excuses. The woman’s goal is local psychological victory at any cost. Firstly, the person making excuses is in a humiliated position. Secondly, he develops a guilt complex. The psychological link between guilt and justification works and is consolidated in his subconscious. It doesn’t matter to a woman’s instinct that she destroys her emotional attachment with a man. She is in dominance mode, and love is a long-past stage for her. Now the main thing is managing a man, his subordination. Her goal is power. Of course, if a man gives flowers regularly, he will be accused as soon as he arrives without flowers.
The main tactics of a woman are as many local psychological victories as possible, which together create overwhelming pressure, and instilling guilt and inferiority complexes in a man. This makes a man completely controllable. Standard generally accepted manipulative technology. For some women, this works at a subconscious level, but most do it all consciously, calculating and planning the impact on the male psyche, consulting with other women and studying literature.
The natural tendency of women to blame a man in many modern matriarchal countries has not only led to massive defamation of the image of a man in the media, but has entered de facto and de jure into judicial practice. When dealing with conflicts between men and women, a man is essentially deprived of the presumption of innocence.
Women very often cultivate a guilt complex in their children (not only sons, but also daughters) in order to manipulate them. After all, it is much simpler and more convenient than full-fledged education. By the way, those who understand this use it. Once a young singer came to our city and in a sweetly sobbing voice sang songs about a son’s guilt before his mother. Elderly women flocked to the concert. They really liked this topic.
Sometimes a woman, who has reflexively put her beloved man in the position of making excuses, can come to her senses and, not wanting to see him in this pitiful and shameful position, say: “You don’t have to make excuses.”
In addition to accusations and complaints, this method can take the form of insults, boycotts, pouting, ostentatious depression, tears and other simple products of female manipulative creativity.
It is very easy to deal with this method. You can, for example, whenever you try to reduce the matter to your fault, say: “I’m not to blame.” This completely confuses and disarms the woman. Of course, she will certainly try to say something like: “I made some stupid phrase, I’m tired of it, stop it.” But don’t give in, be firm and mocking. This spell works effectively, and has already been tested on more than one household witch.
Signs of unintentional manipulation
Subtle manipulative behavior implies “good” intentions and “harmless” gestures that actually create additional obstacles. In other words, a person strives to do the best, but causes damage without even realizing it. For example, one of the early signs of such manipulation is to hide your real feelings and thoughts. In this case, a person may be guided by such motives as the desire to be polite or the desire to avoid confrontation. But this behavior leads to deeper problems.
The reason is that subtle manipulations are usually veiled attempts to get what you want, be it love, approval, or avoiding conflict. Such intentions do not always lead to the desired result, since they are a form of deception. When you hide your true feelings and pretend to be okay with everything, it is essentially just a form of dishonesty. Moreover, this type of manipulation is much more common than intentionally causing harm for the purpose of profit. Despite the apparent innocence and harmlessness, unconscious manipulative behavior creates distance between partners, since any form of pretense leads to a weakening of the connection between people.
