7 Worthwhile Advice from a Psychologist on How to Survive the Death of a Mother

Many people at a certain stage of life are faced with a difficult question: “How to survive the death of your mother?” It’s hard at any age, and it always seems to us that we didn’t prove something, didn’t show it, didn’t have time. The death of a mother is always a shock, even if we do not immediately realize it. It seems to us that if this happens, it won’t be soon, but life often makes unexpected adjustments.

When should you seek help?

In an article for the non-profit organization HelpGuide, they name signs when you need to seek help:

You feel that life is not worth living.
I would like to die with my mother.
Blame yourself for your mother's death.
For several weeks now you have not felt connected to others, as if you were separated from them.
You don't trust anyone after your mother's death.
You cannot carry out your daily activities.

You can also ask for help, even if you are coping: just to make yourself easier and more comfortable.

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Olga Shaveko The loss of a loved one in itself is a reason to seek help. A psychologist or psychotherapist creates a safe space for emotions to live. I would definitely advise starting work in the following cases: 1. If mom left a long time ago, and the amplitude of emotions does not decrease. 2. If when talking about mom, tears appear, breathing becomes difficult, and it’s difficult to speak. 3. If the grieving process is not so long, but it takes you out of life completely, you cannot work or do household chores. You can find a specialist on websites and social networks in communities of psychologists: the Gestalt approach, the cognitive approach, systemic family therapy are suitable. If you don’t have the money for an expensive specialist, you can turn to master’s students. These are people at the last stage of education, they also go to personal therapy and supervision and can provide qualified assistance.

Psychological support is one of the foundations on which help for a grieving person rests.

When a person understands that he cannot get out of a difficult situation on his own, he should look for support outside: from relatives, girlfriends, friends, “comrades in misfortune.” It is important to find those who were in the same situation, who know how difficult life became when my mother left. Such people are not always among your loved ones: they empathize, sympathize, but experience different feelings due to a different degree of relationship with your mother. If there is no friend who would understand this condition, it is better to go where you can find true help - to a support group, if there is one in the city.

What to do when your mother dies?

It’s clear that you don’t want anything during such a period. Although right now you need to do everything to make her feel how much you love her. If your mother dies, then while she is alive, shower her with tenderness. Try to spend more time together during this period. When your mother dies, you should think only about her, and not about yourself. She needs support during this difficult period. What to do when mom dies? It is necessary to fill her last months, weeks and days with joyful moments so that she understands how much you care about her. It is possible that this will help her spend more time in this world.

When a mother dies, it is useful to pray for her and light candles for her health. So it is possible that you will be able to extend her days with you. You can also invite a priest to advise your mother.

Psychologists' opinion

In order for the pain to truly subside, it is important to go through all the stages of “grieving”:

State of shock (1-3 days). The message about the death of the mother initially leads to a stupor. The person denies reality. It seems that this is a mistake, a bad dream, etc. He has to confirm the fact of death again and again. Some people do not get out of this state for many years, or even their entire lives. For example, a daughter leaves all her things to her mother, hoping that someday they will be useful to her again.
Sobbing (1-9 days of death). During this period, a person is overcome by the most powerful emotions, he feels pain, despair, and cries a lot and heavily. At times, sobbing is replaced by complete physical and emotional exhaustion. This is especially common immediately after a funeral.
Depression (up to 40 days). Relatives and loved ones return to their former lives. There is less and less support. There is an acute feeling of emptiness, strong melancholy and anger.
Mourning (up to a year). Emotions subside. Acute pain appears only occasionally. A person realizes his loss, spends a lot of time with memories, carefully sorts them out, and tries to talk to someone. When sadness sets in, she cries.
Anniversary. An important moment when all relatives gather again. It is customary to celebrate this day with remembrance, wakes, prayer, and a trip to the cemetery. Such a ritual should help to finally say goodbye and let the mother go. Not necessarily on the same day. Mourning can last up to 1.5 years. Then, unless stuck, the daughter or son returns to everyday life. At times they feel the same emotions, but the general condition remains satisfactory.

Important. Nature has a natural mechanism for dealing with grief

Interfering with it or neglecting it is fraught with consequences. A person can get stuck at a certain stage, which means falling into a long-term depression. It’s not for nothing that our ancestors invited professional mourners to funerals. They helped me get in the right frame of mind. Therefore, at first you need to step back from all important matters, take a vacation, send your children to visit you so that you can cry enough. At the same time, it is strictly not recommended to suppress feelings with alcohol, sleeping pills or sedatives.

What to do if everything around you reminds you of omame?

It happens that it is difficult to come across constant reminders of your mother. And if you lived together, her things would be everywhere: a toothbrush in the bathroom, laundry in the laundry, a mug in the kitchen. But throwing things away or putting them away can be even more difficult than looking at them.

If mom's room remains untouched for many years after her death, it may maintain the illusion that nothing happened. This is bad because a person can remain in denial that his mother died.

Olga Shaveko

Co-founders of the grief portal What's your grief? They advise you to sort things out like this:

Call friends or family members for help. Ask them to collect and throw away things that are definitely not valuable (uneaten food, personal hygiene items, laundry). You can also ask them to help you collect and sort the rest of your things. For example, you can put things in different boxes:

save for yourself;
leave for others;
sell;
donate, give;
throw away;
things that you can't decide yet.

When sorting, it can be difficult to decide what to do with things. It is important to take breaks; there is no need to sort everything out at once.

You can ask yourself questions:

Do I have room for this item?
Do I need to save all items? For example, if your mother collected porcelain figurines, the collection may take up a lot of space. Then you can keep a few figures for yourself and give the rest to relatives and friends.
Can I take a photo of this item? Sometimes it is difficult to part with an item, even if it is necessary. In this case, you can take high-quality photos of the item and keep them as a souvenir.
Can I make something valuable out of these things? For example, you can make a bedspread from prints of old T-shirts.

Important things for you, photographs, letters can be put in a special “memory box”. Find a suitable storage space and schedule times when you remember Mom and look through the items in the box, such as on death anniversaries and birthdays.

After a loss, especially in the first weeks, it can be difficult to return to activities that involve mom. For example, going to your cafe, mom’s favorite dish, cycling along your route. It is important to gradually regain the opportunity to visit your favorite places and do your favorite things in a new reality where there is no mother.

Here's a way to gradually confront situations that trigger memories:

Make a list of places and activities that remind you of your mother. Rank the situations from the simplest to the most complex, causing a lot of feelings.
Make a plan for how and when you will begin to face the situations you have been avoiding. To make it easier, ask a friend or close family member to go with you.
Be gentle with yourself, it's best to start with small steps because it may be difficult to face the reminders again.
If you notice difficult emotions arising, try to slow down and describe these emotions, feel where exactly in the body they are felt most strongly. This will help you get in touch with your emotions.

Kaisar Dauletbek

This summer, my close friend, with whom we grew up, passed away.

She died suddenly. Doctors said it was lupus. When trying to determine the cause, one of the possible factors was a sudden change in climate. Two years ago they moved to Spain. When a person who cyclically exposes himself to forty-degree frosts moves into daily twenty-degree heat, this affects his health.

She was often taken to doctors; she always had health problems. Everyone is used to it, and so is she. But the doctors said that it was lupus only after she died.

Lately we have stopped communicating closely, and I scold myself for it. When she was admitted to the hospital, I didn't think about the seriousness of the whole situation. I thought maybe it was another check.

When her organs began to fail on the third day, I realized that I had to go to the hospital and at least find out how her parents were doing. Her dad was always looking for the necessary medicine. Over the course of two days, he flew to Moscow several times: the medications were always not suitable.

On the fifth day, my mother called me and said that Tomiris had died. This is the kind of knockdown after which you need time to understand what’s going on.

When you learn about the death of a loved one, you don’t have time to think about anything. You just feel empty. And tears are a reaction that allows you to fill that very emptiness. I was raised in a family where it was unusual for men to show tears. But you are crying and there is no way to stop it. The most comfortable solution for me is to go somewhere and sit in isolation. I think that most people raised like me, which is the majority of men in Kazakhstan, need isolation. You need to think, collect your thoughts, and only then can you discuss the situation with someone.

It’s hard when you realize what’s happening, when you realize that this person is no longer there. It’s hard to see parents who have lost a child: I looked into their eyes, and they looked through me.

I didn't say a word to them, not even once. I just couldn't. He gave napkins and brought some medicine, but didn’t say a word. I think just being there at that moment means a lot.

The worst thing you can say to a person experiencing grief is: “If anything happens, get in touch.” The best thing you can do is to give him some thoughts.

We are distracted from our emotions when we start thinking about something. If, let’s say, I’m sitting and crying, then it would make me feel better if I asked: “What were your best memories? What made this man different from the rest? It's something that can make you think, rack your brain, remember something. While your brain is doing this, it will not be able to give meaning to emotions.

I sometimes remember Tomiris. I remember what a wonderful person she was, but I don’t think about her death. I have a picture hanging in my dorm that she painted. Every day I wake up and look at this picture - now it is part of my routine, I do not attach much importance to death.

How to cope with the death of your mother

«Feeling relieved after the death of a loved one

“It’s scary to even admit this to yourself. After all, saying this is the same as admitting your own heartlessness. But there are many situations when recognizing such feelings is possible and even necessary.

One of these situations

— years of life spent next to his mother, who was dying from a serious illness. The daughter cared for her elderly mother, who suffered from dementia, for five years. She cooked, cleaned, bathed and treated her mother, for which at first she thanked her and felt sorry for the fact that so much had fallen on her. It was painful for the daughter to see her mother lying and helpless, but it was important for her that she was next to her and loved her as before. Then the mother became worse and she often began to take offense at her daughter, accusing her of stealing money and poorly caring for her. And soon the daughter heard her mother complaining to her sister that she didn’t feed her well, didn’t wash her, and scolded her.

Of course, none of this was true

, but it was no longer possible to convince my mother otherwise and force myself to respect her. Every time the daughter brought food and offered to take a bath, the mother pretended to be offended: she remained silent and did not touch the food, did not wash for weeks and accused her daughter of trying to poison her.

Relationship between mother

and their daughter became unbearable, both suffered and could not do anything. The daughter tried with all her might to improve relations with her mother, to convince her that she loved her, but all her efforts were in vain. Mom’s baseless accusations and antics destroyed her from the inside, preventing her from living and communicating with people.

After a while, the daughter honestly admitted that she wanted

so that death comes to the mother as quickly as possible. “I stopped understanding what was real in my mother’s attitude towards me,” she said. If she loved me, she would hardly hate me so much now. And if I really loved her, I would hardly wish her death now.” In fact, there is nothing surprising in such relationships between people who are never dear to each other. The suffering of a loved one on an instinctive level causes the daughter to quickly get rid of this pain, as if it were her own.

Psychotherapists call the relationship with loved ones whose death is already inevitable the phenomenon of pre-grief

. Relatives experience loss before death occurs, since it becomes clear to them that their loved one is no longer the same person they used to be and will soon die. There is nothing shameful in this; these are completely natural experiences of people who have suffered for a long time and cared for a sick relative, trying in every possible way to alleviate his fate.

Death after long suffering

brings relief. It is useless to argue with this statement and there is no point in blaming yourself for the fact that in the depths of your soul you wished the death of a loved one. If you provided him with decent care and attention, did everything to help him and save him from suffering, then you have nothing to reproach yourself with.

Psychoanalyst Virginie Meggle

advise anyone who has cared for a sick mother, father, spouse or other close relative for a long time not to analyze their feelings in the first week after the loss, but simply accept death as an inevitability. This is necessary so that, along with grief, your life is not overshadowed by the thought that you felt not only love, but also hatred for the deceased person.

Otherwise, already at the time when you will mourn

deceased, you suddenly remember how much grief and pain he caused you during the years of his illness. And this risks the fact that tears will be replaced by anger and you will be “stuck” at this stage of grief for many years. You can only free yourself from the oppression of painful contradictions in relation to a deceased person when you do not allow gloomy thoughts after death to devalue the connection that you had with the one who died.

Only when her mother died did her daughter feel and understand why, despite the fact that she loved

her, was demanding and domineering towards her all her life. She was 18 years old when her mother, who had raised six children in the village in monstrous conditions, suddenly asked her, then a student, to take her to her eldest son. Even then, she helped my mother leave home, free herself from an unbearable life with her alcoholic husband and try to start a new life. Even then, she considered her, the youngest daughter in the family, to be a reliable child and chose her as “a support in her old age.” She was counting on her and understood that her daughter would not leave her, even if she became helpless due to a serious illness.

Mother

She didn’t know how to express her feelings and couldn’t really caress her, but she was an absolutely honest and straightforward person. She was ready to do anything for others, carrying the burden of other people's destinies and lives, trying to help in every way she could. After her daughter got married, her mother helped her raise the children, but then, when they were already grown up and the mother became seriously ill, the daughter decided to take her in, look after her and take care of her.

However, several years before his mother's death

the daughter shed more tears than she had shed in all the previous years of her life. And now, when her mother was no longer there, she suddenly realized that her mother could not hate her, but behaved this way because of a serious illness. As a result, she came to her grave and asked her mother for forgiveness for her misunderstanding, so that her feelings of guilt would be released. And now, she practically does not remember those years when her mother behaved inappropriately before her death. She was able to let go of the past and start living life to the fullest.

"Psychology of Relationships"

Analysis of the mourner's behavior

Psychologists note that in the first two weeks after the tragedy, virtually any reaction of orphaned children to grief is considered normal, be it a state of disbelief and apparent peace or aggression unusual for the target.
Any feature of behavior these days is a consequence of the process of restructuring attachments in that part of a person’s life that the mother has so far occupied. A sudden feeling of emptiness in nature does not always mean death; it also serves as a signal to us about a sudden loss. This explains the unstable behavior of people who, after the death of their mother, either fall into a “waiting mode” or begin to blame others for injustice. The image of a loved one appears to them in the crowd, his voice is heard from the telephone receiver; sometimes it seems to them that the sad news was wrong, and everything remains the same, they just need to wait or get the truth from outsiders.

If the mother's relationship with her children was contradictory and ambivalent, or showed strong dependence on both sides, the experience of grief may be pathological and expressed in an exaggerated reaction or delayed emotions. It is also bad if, in addition to the process of natural loss, anguish of a social nature is added: what will relatives think, how will they perceive the mourning of an employee in the work team?

Experts insist that no difficulties in understanding the situation by others should affect a person’s psychological need to go through all stages of grief at a measured pace. If the mourner has an urgent need after the death of his mother to complete some things that were important to her and spend time solving her lifetime problems, then this must be done. If he wants to live a little more according to the rules she once established, he cannot be prevented from doing so.

Over time, understanding the importance of leading your own full life and competently placing emphasis in favor of pressing problems will transfer the attitude towards the image of the deceased mother to a deeper, spiritual level. As a rule, this occurs a year after a family tragedy and is the natural end of the mourning period

And I wanted a little - just for him to be near

My dad is an angel. And there can be no other explanations.

And everything seems to be as it was before. We need to move on with our lives. But my children will never have a grandfather... Appreciate fathers while they are alive! We will definitely meet again, dad. And even if it won’t be here. I can't believe that you're gone forever. No matter how anyone proves it... And yet there is something worse than separation. And this is called death. Anyway, thank you to the world for giving me such a father! I hope you have a good time there. You come to me at least in my dreams. When loved ones pass away, it’s more than just pain. Sometimes you really don't want to live! You will be in my heart as long as I live. And no other way! You taught me really important things. I love you dad. It pains me to see your grave. I would like to see you instead... Real fathers today are still a rarity. That’s why it’s so unbearable when they leave! When your dad leaves, you have no one to help you with your pain. There is simply no one! A good dad should be appreciated. To appreciate while he is alive, no matter how scary it may sound... I always lived to make my dad proud. Even now, when he is no longer alive... Thank you, Lord, for such a caring dad. Tell me, for what sins did you take him away from me? My dad was real. He loved to teach life lessons. What can I say, he often got angry. And I would give a lot if only we could be together again!

With a bright memory, escape from depression after the death of loved ones

We, people with the anal vector, remember all the good things done to us. We want to avoid being left in debt. We want to return exactly as much as they once gave us. But after the death of a loved one, we understand that we were late, we didn’t have time. This feels like a state of depression. They could, but they did not provide love, understanding, care, and participation to their parents.

We reproach ourselves for the fact that a hundred times we wanted to take our mother to the sea, take our father to his favorite fishing trip, and simply spend weekends with them more often, sometimes call them in the evening, but we got wrapped up and got stuck. And now there is no one, no one to go to. And depression after the death of my mother paralyzes the ability to do anything.

Feelings of guilt can painfully and for a long time drag a person back with shackles, to a place where nothing can be changed. But this property of the anal vector can not destroy, but have a constructive effect and help get out of depression after the death of mother, father, grandmother, grandfather - those to whom, it seemed, there would still be a moment to say thank you.

After all, in the past you can unearth not only reasons for reproaching yourself, but concentrate on what you are grateful for to your parents, dear ones and loved ones.

Remember how your mother’s caring hands cooked pies for you and always cut off the most ruddy piece, how your father’s inept hands braided your hair, afraid to awkwardly pull a strand, how your grandparents cried and were proud when you received your diploma, how at any of your calls and even without him, these hearts were ready to take all your adversities upon themselves.

How much happiness you gave each other! Although it is not possible now to kiss your beloved cheeks and say thank you, you can take this feeling of gratitude to other people and, with the name of your parents, give into the world the same warmth that your parents gave you.

What did your parents always want most? So that everything goes well for you, so that the work is to your liking, so that comfort and understanding reign in your home. To make you happy. You can give this to them now. Then gradually the stupor and depression after the death of your mother will no longer hang like a chain on your life in the present. Only bright sadness and gratitude will remain in the heart.

New story

This story began with the death of my mother. Can we say that it is over? Grief cannot be ordered, presented as a segment with a beginning, middle and end. The essence of grief is that, even after looking the pain in the face, you cannot ease it - you can only come to terms with it and learn to live with it. For twenty-five years my most beloved person was my mother. Now a new love story has begun for me. Maybe this is my happy ending? Hope. Although for me it's rather bittersweet.

I stood next to a friend at a wedding, where I was also invited as a pastry chef - this happens often lately. The newlyweds cut the cake that I had baked.

“Aren’t you sad to watch your beautiful cake being cut into pieces and eaten?” - asked my friend.

- Of course not! - I was horrified. - This is the most pleasant thing.

Based on materials from the book “I Can Handle It, Mom”

Cover from here

Take a break

Try to get back to school as quickly as possible, no matter how difficult it may be. As a last resort, if you don’t want to part with your remaining parents, allow yourself unscheduled vacations. At school and at home your wishes will be treated with understanding.

Try to finish your parenting work. For example, if mom grew flowers and did not have time to plant a garden. Or maybe dad never cleaned up the garage. Firstly, the activity will distract you, and secondly, the result will remind you of a loved one.

If you are offered to take part in an event, a new school or student project, agree. This will distract you from sad thoughts. Nobody wants you to forget about your parent. But he definitely didn’t want you to be alone.

How to survive the death of your beloved mother, how to find the strength to live on

My mother, my dearest, most beloved, dearest person, recently passed away. She was 60 years old, looked at most 50. even taking into account her illness.. She was both my mother and friend, we called each other every day, shared all our secrets, our whole life, consulted on any matter, came to see her every weekend from another city, helped, etc.. She gave all of herself so that my sister and I were healthy and happy.

She struggled with stage 4 intestinal cancer for 6.5 years (of course, thanks to the Lord God for these 6.5 years), there were periods of remission for a year or two, everything was done in a timely manner, treatment was done, there were many operations, and chemotherapy beyond counting. Despite everything, she also constantly charged me with optimism. During these 6 years we went to the seaside, my sister took her to Christmas Europe, we celebrated many anniversaries, birthdays, and went to different places.

Somewhere subconsciously we understand and thank God that we practically did not suffer, not like some people for six months, a year, with the gradual failure of all organs. Here, even 2 hours before her death, my mother was fully conscious, she understood everything, she just didn’t know that at that moment everything was already too bad... the blood pressure was 40/20 (the doctors told us), but we didn’t tell her until the last seconds we supported her and told her how much we loved her.

My little sister put in so much effort, she was a golden daughter, she was mainly engaged in treatment in her city (surgeries, radiation), and at home she looked after her mother during chemotherapy, her sister did not sleep for the last 3 months, she was next to her, and my mother herself did the same fought bravely. There were still so many joint plans, ideas, trips, etc.

What a shame that she never got to see her grandchildren, and her sister has been married for 3 years and, unfortunately, they were unable to get pregnant without problems and God did not give children and grandchildren to their mother. And my mother was so young and beautiful, she wanted to live so much longer. I'm not even talking about my wedding and children, because... I’m still single at 30 years old, somewhere I blame myself, it’s my fault.

And that’s why it’s especially difficult for me now to find the strength to live on, since I’m alone. and she was everything to me, I loved her so much... Of course, I have my own beloved sister, even if she lives 300 km away, I will communicate with her even more closely, but. how to reconcile, how to move on. I’m looking for a psychologist, a psychotherapist... for now I’ll be with my family for a week, and then I’ll go to my city, where I’ll be alone. I’ll go to my mom’s grave every week..

Sorry, maybe for some I’m too glamorous like a woman, but believe me, for me this is just a hard blow and loss... and I don’t intend to hold back my feelings, pain, tears.

Peak of Pain: How I Get Through Days of Sorrowful Memories

The birthday or death of your mother, as well as any other date associated with a deceased loved one, is the most difficult to get over. Weekends were no less difficult for me, when there is more time to reflect on memories. Simple recommendations will help you cope with your worries: 1

1 YOU NEED TO SHARE: if you keep the pain inside, it will find a way out, but not in the most acceptable way (through aggression, hatred, etc.), so you need to talk about feelings with loved ones;

2 IMPORTANT to experience negative emotions, not to turn a blind eye to them, not to deny the possibility of such feelings;

3 YOU NEED TO AVOID SITUATIONS, things, objects that will cause sad memories, you should understand the difference: if you remember your mother, keep the memory of her, you need to avoid triggers (factors that provoke a new wave of grief);

4 YOU CAN’T LOCK YOURSELF AT HOME, spend time in bed, you need to get up, put yourself in order in order to feel movement, then consciousness will switch to the environment, and not to experiences;

5 IT IS IMPORTANT TO DO WHAT COULD Bring pleasure, joy; you should not try to force yourself to do something that causes negative emotions on this day;

6 YOU CAN CREATE NEW TRADITIONS IN THE FAMILY, which will allow you to replace the old ones, and if the old foundations cause pleasant nostalgia, then there is no need to break them, on especially difficult days you can devote yourself to a business, an activity that will be done in honor of your beloved mother (make a charitable contribution on her behalf, to help the poor, etc.).

Yulia Rubleva, psychologist, about how things are with the experience of grief in our society:

“I hear the same thing from clients all the time - “I was forbidden to cry.” They tell how “dad died, but I didn’t cry.” Why? “I had to hold on and support my mother.” All these stories have the same consequences: as a rule, this is depression of varying degrees of severity and a lack of resources for the present, since they, like treasures in a chest, are buried in the past. In our culture, valor is not noticing very strong feelings. Undoubtedly, this is due to the country's wild, violent history in the last century. But now is peacetime, and the survival strategies are still the same, military ones. It is customary to experience the death of loved ones courageously, calm faces at funerals are considered correct, crying is shameful, and howling loudly (which is the most healing and correct thing for a loss of such magnitude) is impossible.”

I found out that I was actually in grief 1.5 years later. I got into a hot air balloon accident, survived, and when they brought me, lying down, home to Moscow, I needed the help of a psychotherapist - I could not sleep, all the time “remembering with my body” the moment I hit the ground.

When we dealt with post-traumatic syndrome, question number two arose. I said: “I don’t have a bright memory of my mother, I want to correct this situation.”

After that session, I started crying and cried for many hours every day for a week. Dad was surprised: they turned to a psychologist for help to make things easier, but his daughter was hysterical.

Then it seemed that what was hidden under drugs, alcohol, phenazepam, adrenaline, sex and the “celebration of life” sobbingly came out of me.

Yulia Rubleva, psychologist:

“The most important thing, the most difficult thing is to admit that you need time and a break. That you fell, but you can’t get up. That you are hurting so much that you can no longer pretend that nothing is happening. And here it is important and necessary to allow yourself not to be great, not to hold on. You need to allow yourself to cry. Lie with your nose to the wall. Hit your fist on the table.

To say “I’m alive, I devoted years to his illness, and now I want to live.”

Saying “I’m angry that you died and left us alone.”

Say “I miss you so much, I miss you so much, I’m crying for you”.

Where do problems with clear memory come from and what are “bad and good mothers”?

My mother drank - it was such a semi-bohemian lifestyle that led to illness, addiction - this topic also worries me very much, and I am preparing material on it.

The scale of the addiction became clear only when, after 40 days, I came to sort out her things, and empty vodka bottles fell from the closet and from the blouses onto the floor.

A year before her death, she was diagnosed with liver disease and was banned from everything. She didn't last long and told her beloved man that she didn't want to live with such restrictions. And eventually she reached the stage when, when I came to visit her, I saw her in delirium tremens.

My most beautiful, gentle, smartest, most talented mother.

Children should not see their mothers in this state.

To realize and accept that it was her choice, her fate, her illness, and that you are not to blame for anything, and she is also not to blame for anything, it almost happened only now, at my 42 years old.

And then, all my life, I had complaints and resentments towards her, and a lack of answers to a sea of children’s, women’s, and various questions, and accusations, and a feeling of guilt - for the fact that all this comes out, and not a bright memory.

Because after my uncle, my mother’s younger brother, also died, my grandparents and their parents, who lost both children, became very bad. And no one was particularly interested in how I felt there. I had to stop being a granddaughter, change roles with them, and day after day, for five years, carry their black hole with me.

Thank you for your support, dad, but my resource then ran out, and then, after they left, I recovered – physically and mentally – for another five years.

By the way, a feeling of relief when loved ones pass away, who had a difficult time leaving or with whom it was difficult during life - this also happens and is also normal. Another feeling that simply exists, and you don’t need to forbid yourself and scold yourself for being “callous.”

We are living people, and we contain the whole spectrum of emotions.

And I don’t go to funerals anymore - there were 10 of them in 12 years, two of which I arranged myself. Since then I say goodbye to people mentally, but I don’t want and can’t be close to death.

"Compromises (self-torture)" and "Depression"

The third stage is a time of contradictions and unjustified hopes, deep soul-searching and even greater isolation from society. For different people, this period proceeds differently - someone turns to religion, trying to negotiate with God about the return of a loved one, someone punishes themselves with a feeling of guilt, scrolling through their heads scenarios of what could have been, but never happened .

The following signs indicate the onset of the third stage of grief:

frequent thoughts about Higher powers, Divine guidance (among esotericists - about fate and karma);
visiting houses of worship, temples, and other energetically strong places;
a state of half-asleep-half-awake - a person keeps getting caught up in memories, replaying scenes of both fictional and real nature from the past in his head;
often the prevailing feeling is one’s own guilt towards the deceased (“mom died, but I don’t cry”, “I didn’t love her enough”).

During this period, if it drags on, there is a high risk of losing most of your friendly and family ties. It is difficult for people to observe the semi-mystical picture of this mixture of repentance with almost enthusiasm, and they gradually begin to move away.

From a psychological point of view, the fourth stage is the most difficult. Bitterness, hope, anger and resentment - all the feelings that have previously kept a person “in good shape” go away, leaving only emptiness and a deep understanding of one’s grief. During depression, a person is visited by philosophical thoughts about life and death, the sleep schedule is disrupted, and the feeling of hunger is lost (the mourner refuses to eat or eats in excessive portions). Signs of mental and physical decline are clearly expressed.

Return to a new life

The funeral stage is over. Life is gradually returning to normal. Need to get back to work/school/everyday.

Again, special attention should be paid to the question: do you have children? If the answer is yes, it is important, at this moment, to remember that you are also a mother. You can, of course, delegate taking care of them to your husband or relatives, but, first of all, they need you. You need to become a support and support for each other.

If the answer is no, it is important for you to have someone nearby who can share your pain with you. He doesn’t necessarily have to say anything or look for words of reassurance. When a person sincerely sympathizes with you, it is enough that he simply listens.

You need to talk it out, cry. You can't suppress emotions. Otherwise, you risk driving them far into the subconscious. And this is fraught with the most unexpected and unpleasant consequences.

If it so happens that you are left alone and there are no people who can support you, it doesn’t matter. You can find them on the Internet. Contact a specialized psychological forum and describe all the pain of loss. Be sure to respond to those who have had the same thing. These people will understand you best. You will be able to feel their warmth and support.

Briefly about the main thing

At this stage, it is important to gradually begin to return to normal life. Yes, it is different, but still it is your life, it is the most valuable thing that can be. It is important to give free rein to your emotions. Don't hold them back. Cry, even scream. Alternatively, you can go to the gym and hit a punching bag. That is, through the body, to release inner pain.

Don't forget the tears. Now they will be your main assistants.
Tears are emotional - they “wash away” pain. Crying is considered the most effective way to express emotions.

Again, consider the following:

You may be surrounded by people who will not fully understand your pain of loss. They will start telling you general phrases like: “You shouldn’t grieve! Get a hold of yourself! You can’t cry so much!!” They, as it were, give you a ban on the outburst of emotions. They impose beliefs on how you should feel and behave.

This may be due to the fact that, first of all, your severe pain is transmitted to them. And they are not ready to share it with you. They become uncomfortable and uncomfortable. Therefore, they begin to instill in you this pattern of response. Try to avoid the company of such people.

Don't forget about physiology. The relationship between the influence of emotions on the development of somatic diseases has already been proven.

A person who is in a state of grief cannot relax due to muscle tension and tension. This condition leads to pressure surges, insomnia, and heart disease.

Start with relaxation. It would be ideal if you started going for a massage for a while. It relieves muscle tension. If this is not possible, try self-massage.

It is important not to forget nutrition - even if there is no appetite at all, then you need to eat at least a little. You need to maintain your body's strength. But you shouldn’t go to the other extreme - overeating, thus eating away your pain.

Don't forget about your sleep schedule. If you cannot cope with insomnia on your own, seek help from a specialist.

It is important to record and work through basic feelings

You may feel guilty. It will seem that you didn’t put in enough effort, or paid little time, attention, care, or, in general, didn’t give something to your mother. And now I wish I could go back there and fix everything. And this thought, like a whip, will hit intensely and painfully.

It is very important to work through this feeling. If you realize that you can’t do it on your own, it’s better not to delay and contact a specialist.

Remember!

There is the following classification of grief (it will be presented in free form):

Shock - duration 1-3 days
Cry - 1-9 days after death
Depression - 40 days
Mourning - up to a year
Anniversary

Giphy
The state of mourning can last up to one and a half years. Then the intensity of feelings decreases significantly. There is a complete recovery and return to everyday life.

"Negation"

The countdown of the stages of experiencing grief begins from the moment a person learns about the misfortune that has befallen him, and the first wave of reaction occurs on his part. Otherwise, the stage of denial is called shock, which best characterizes the onset of the following symptoms:

mistrust;
irritation towards the one who brought the news;
numbness;
an attempt to refute the obvious fact of death;
inappropriate behavior towards the deceased mother (attempts to call her, waiting for her for dinner, etc.)

As a rule, the first stage lasts until the funeral, when the person can no longer deny what happened. Relatives are advised to protect the mourners from preparing for the funeral ceremony and allow them to speak out and throw out all their emotions, which primarily express bewilderment and resentment. It is useless to console a person who is at the stage of denial - information of this kind will not be perceived by him.

Pay attention to your physical condition

If my mother died, what should I do? You need to pay attention to your physical condition. Since grief is exhausting, plus the hassle associated with funerals and inheritance, negatively affects health. Watch your sleep, regardless of the circumstances, go to bed on time. Also, you should not be critical of your appearance during this period. It is better at such a time to take care of a balanced diet and cleanliness of the body.

If you are still crying for your mother, then carry a bottle of water with you. This way you will replenish lost fluid. In addition, thanks to the reflex mechanism, you will calm down a little. If we talk about alcohol, then you shouldn’t drink it. Since the effect will be short-term, the consequences can be serious.

Brief recommendations

Your mother has left this life. But she left bright memories. There is one wonderful poem:

You are a fool, death: you threaten people with Your bottomless emptiness, And we agreed that we will live beyond your line.

His message is that as long as we are alive, the memory of those who were dear to us is alive.

The following recommendations will help you process the pain of loss on your own.

Exercise “Letter Healing”

You can write your mother a short letter. In it, tell her how your affairs are going, what is happening in your life after her death. Write about what you learned about death. Tell your mom all your unspoken feelings. Tell her what she meant to you and how you dealt with her death.

Feelings of guilt - justified or not

The mother died, but her child remained and cultivated a feeling of guilt. It seems to him that during the life of the parent the child did not show due care and respect. Somewhere, an orphan could offend his mother with a harsh word, forgetting to call or visit once again - this eternal lack of time. In general, he lived his own life, and my mother remained on the sidelines. A person, thinking about this, gnaws at himself, his sense of guilt grows every day.

Stop! If you continue like this, you can go crazy, in the literal sense of the word. All adult children, sooner or later, are separated from their parents. This is natural; a person creates his own family, which requires attention. And this does not mean that the parents are deprived of the attention of their son or daughter, it’s just that the child has become an adult.

As for harsh and rude phrases, there is no person who has never been insolent to their parents. Even the most well-mannered child, growing up, begins to defend his point of view and is capable of hurting his mother’s feelings with a careless statement. No wonder there is an expression - a conflict of generations. It is inevitable, especially in the child’s adolescence. But what can I say when adult children sometimes say harsh words out of resentment or in a fit of anger.

Everyone goes through this. Cultivating a sense of guilt in oneself is a thankless task: after all, the mother no longer cares, and the orphaned person only becomes more upset, which can lead to health problems.

Do what you love

If sad thoughts appear in your head, you miss your mom, then you need to switch to something. A good option would be to do what you love. On the contrary, you can try something new. If you like to draw, then start creating for your own pleasure. Another good option is to start writing poetry (if, of course, you have the desire for this). The topics for creating them can be different. You can write poems about your dead mother, about how you let her go, that you love her.

If you were previously an active person, then you should not forget about such activities. Sign up for some training, for example, dancing. Swimming is a great activity for relaxing, improving physical health and freeing yourself from sad thoughts. If you do this with a close friend, the effect will be double.

Allow yourself to be sad sometimes

So, let's imagine that a year and a half has passed since your mother died. You miss her a lot, especially when you go to visit your father. You're holding up pretty well. You can laugh and smile when you tell your children what your mother told you as a child. You can also play her favorite songs and sing as loud as she sang. You can even say that you are doing well.

But some days are harder than others. One day you may wake up and want to hear your mother's voice. You'll want to call her right away and hear her laugh. You want to laugh together. Your mother probably had the best sense of humor of anyone you've ever known, and you really need it.

Track your emotional state

If your mother died, how to live on? The following recommendations from specialists, which we will give below, will help you. Learn to monitor your emotional state to determine when feelings of sadness increase. Of course, this skill will not eliminate worries, but it will help make these moments less painful. For example, if you started crying in a hypermarket when you remembered that you went there with your mother, then next time go to the shopping floor with someone close so that he can support you.

Note that against the backdrop of emotional outbursts, a person may feel that his career is unpromising and his marriage is terrible. Be sure to write down all hasty conclusions in a notebook, and then check them over time for consistency, without neglecting the support of loved ones.

Stages of Grief

Some of the five stages you will have to go through:

Disbelief. When a mother leaves the world, her child, regardless of age, does not believe what happened. It seems that all this is a dream, my mother just left the house and will return soon. Even on the day of the funeral, standing in front of an unearthed grave, a person refuses to believe what happened. It feels like everything that’s happening is a bad dream.
Addiction. Time passes after my mother's death. The one who lost her begins to slowly get used to his mother’s absence. But the awareness of death never appeared; out of habit, my hand reaches for the phone to call my mother. I want to share something with her, talk, come visit (if living separately). And then, the person remembers that there is no one else to go to, no one to talk to, since his mother is no longer there.
Humility. Gradually, the orphan begins to come to terms with the death of his mother and realize the loss. And then, along with pain and bitterness, a feeling of guilt comes.

One of the most difficult periods is self-reproach, guilt before the deceased mother.

The desire to gain immortality

On the one hand, it is clear that every person would like to live an eternal life and have time to do everything that he wanted, but for which there is always not enough time. However, there are also those individuals who literally become obsessed with immortality. They begin to read literature, study books on how exactly they can achieve what they want. And even if such people do not perform strange rituals or try to summon someone from the other world, they still waste a huge amount of time on such searches. As a result, in the pursuit of immortality, they miss precious minutes of life. Therefore, this position is considered fundamentally wrong.

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