Feelings of guilt before a deceased loved one: how to sort it out?

Photo from answers.com The death of a loved one is associated not only with a feeling of grief, but also with the experience of guilt.

When a loved one passes away, it seems that you are to blame: you are tired of the difficult care and painful last days, you didn’t give something, you didn’t take him to another hospital, you didn’t buy another medicine, you stayed alive when he died.

Why does it occur and how justified? Answered by psychologist, director of the Christian psychological service “Candle”, Doctor of Biological Sciences Alexandra Imasheva .

Feelings of guilt for the death of a loved one. How to stop blaming yourself?

2021-06-04

The content of the article:

What is guilt Why do I feel guilty after the death of a loved one How to admit my mistakes How to correct mistakes in front of a person who is no longer around False or imposed guilt Create a Memories Diary or get a free consultation

Any person who has buried a relative, in addition to intense grief and pain of loss, also experiences a feeling of guilt for the death of a loved one. The first thing that comes to mind is that it’s my fault, I didn’t deliver enough, didn’t look after it, didn’t have time, upset me, insulted me, etc.

If trouble happened recently, this is a natural reaction. And if the feeling of guilt, accompanied by painful experiences, gnaws for a long time, it is important to know how to get rid of it.

Help from specialists

If you have an obsessive feeling of guilt, you should consult a psychologist. The standard period for mourning is up to 1 year. But it is impossible to accurately determine the length of time when the pain will subside. If a person feels unwell, it is better not to hesitate and make an appointment with a specialist.

When a bereaved person needs psychological help:

• Prolonged depression, attempts to commit suicide;
• Problems sleeping, frequent nightmares;
• Poor performance, reluctance to interact with society;
• Decreased immunity, exacerbation of chronic diseases;
• Nervous breakdown, observation of symptoms of psychological illnesses;
• Migraine, epilepsy, seizures, tremor;
• Taking alcohol and drugs (futile attempts to escape reality);
• The occurrence of phobias, unreasonable fears, panic attacks.

If these signs are not eliminated in time, this can lead to serious problems. In some cases, a one-time consultation with a specialist is sufficient, while in others, serious long-term work and medication are required.

What is wine

Guilt, firstly, is a feeling that hits a person with great force after a loss has befallen him. Essentially, this is remorse due to a certain act, which seems to him to be the cause of bad consequences for the deceased and for other people.

Secondly, this is a pattern of behavior that we recognize as wrong, but despite this, we allow it again and again.

Finally, thirdly, guilt is also an admission of one’s mistakes. Let's take the word "apology." It comes from the word “wine”. A person begins to look at everything that he lived with the deceased with different eyes. And he admits that he did a lot of things wrong, so guilt gnaws at his soul.

What can be done?

Admit your mistakes first on an internal level, to yourself, and begin to correct yourself. It is also useful to admit mistakes to someone. That's why people go to church and apologize publicly. After all, it’s one thing when you yourself accepted the guilt, another thing when someone heard it.

Why do I feel guilty after the death of a loved one?

Where does this feeling come from, which can sometimes drive anyone to despair? It will not bypass anyone. After all, we don’t always call and check on our loved ones, we don’t often confess our love and good feelings to them, we don’t do what the deceased expected from us during their lifetime, etc.

Therefore, in different situations we begin to blame ourselves in different ways:

• the mother
  reproaches herself because she did not protect her child, and now he is gone, but she lives;
• the child
  grieves that he was rude to the parent, did not pay attention, did not come to visit, did not fulfill requests, upset him;
• spouses
  reproach themselves because they were not attentive, were rude, cheated, or soon after the death of their husband or wife found their other half;
• the family of the suicide
  cannot forgive themselves for not noticing his strange behavior, not paying attention to his suffering and not helping when he so needed support;
• The relatives of a loved one with an incurable disease
  also blame themselves greatly, because they were reluctant to look after him, were irritated by his requests, tried to evade this responsibility and felt relief after the sufferer left.

But there are other situations when we feel guilty after the death of a loved one. Including when:

1. We give harmful advice, for example, suggesting abortion, unnecessary surgery, committing harmful acts and crimes, advising divorce;
2. we fire an employee who has nothing to support his family;
3. we scold a subordinate, after which he could not survive a heart attack;
4. we condemn someone, we reproach them publicly, without monitoring our rhetoric;
5. We do not give loans for treatment, accommodation or other needs.

A person can also experience a strong emotional crisis and mental breakdown because he was not with his loved one in the last minutes of his life, did not call a priest for confession, was greedy in giving him money for treatment, and so on.

Requests for help Write your story It seems to me that I don’t deserve to live, because I didn’t go to my mother in the evening when she asked me to tell her something and sit opposite. I’m the youngest in the family, maybe I’m spoiled and weak, since this thing gets into my head and hasn’t gone away for a month. The next day she died and I was with her from 6 a.m. to 12. But I’ve been blaming myself for this for a week now, it’s very hard, sometimes it’s even unbearable to feel it. She loved me very much and I loved and love her very much. She had cancer and I probably just refused to believe that she would die soon, I was afraid to hear it from her. In general, she did so much for me, and here I am. Now there is only a grave and no mother, no one to go to and talk to. I suffer very much from the fact that she thought there that she would die, and I.. was afraid of this and my pain and began to deny.. there were so many dying conversations.. I just wanted to believe.. I didn’t want to cry and see her tears.. Probably being with her was somehow more important for me than for her, I hope even for this... but now nothing can be changed, this is the first time I have encountered death in this form, this is what I have been most afraid of since childhood. It’s probably also a shame that I thought that I would be with her until the end, next to her, like in childhood, when she or I felt bad, and then I forgot to bring a second cup of tea, I thought when I went to bed that my dad was bringing her something... someone was in the kitchen was fiddling around.. =( and this is how it happened. She looked at me like that when I forced woolen socks on her in the hospital the next day, like you still don’t understand? And her eyes immediately turned to me with attentiveness and pity. And I and she didn’t understand and understood... a bunch of different thoughts, but it wasn’t true, she was shivering... the day before she almost died in my arms, they turned off the lights and waited for the ambulance together, at work an employee told me how she was sick, but didn’t she said that these were dying symptoms .. I could only look into her eyes .. I feel very sorry for her and it’s difficult to care for life, I don’t have the same desire for life as she does, she died stronger and wiser than me, although defenseless, like a child, tormented by illness and struggle for our sake. We were the only thing she rejoiced with with all her heart. But I can’t do anything more for her and didn’t even help in the smallest way. Even sometimes the question arises whether I betrayed her, whether she could have thought such a thing.. I didn’t want her to be in more pain from my tears, she didn’t want that.. Only joy to come to the grave and bring, as before she could what a gift for her, but she won’t see it. =( And the meaning of life was lost, before I lived more for her love, I knew that she loved me and was worried, but now it’s like this. The latest pictures and her eyes are constantly spinning.. voice.. I seem to be Orthodox, but about death I have the ambiguity of the idea, sometimes in my mind I see her in the grave, sometimes I think that suddenly she is going through an ordeal, there is no certainty. But she believed.. From her eyes I realized that she had not been with me much, but then she somehow resigned herself.. She even told me. . I told you... but I didn’t seem to believe it. =( ruined her last evening.. she could have looked at me instead of the wall, she’s been sitting there for so long.. =(((maybe giving instructions... it would have been easier for her somehow =( but I didn’t want it.. I started denying it.. in short, it’s constantly spinning in my head, although I came to see her specifically, but couldn’t go in, just a few phrases about her health and closed the door with my head down, thinking maybe she’ll live ... only in the morning, when there was no time for warm conversations, but only quick ones and fear in the eyes, and powerlessness, an attempt to say something at the last moment to please.. and the last words in the ward already, without painkillers, after 3 hours of torment and screams that I love her =( she died in her sister’s arms, and I ran in and started screaming that I love her, after my sister said it was late... and she was still warm and opened her eye. =( In short, I don’t know, what should I do now and how to live on without her and with a feeling of guilt. Although you remember that 23 years out of 25 were happy with her, the last 2 years were less... I'm afraid that she died thinking that she was unhappy =( Although on the last day she called everyone and saw everyone, it seemed like everyone was with her. What also worries me is that I tried to call the priest, as she asked, but he didn’t come because of the service, we agreed on an evening and at the hospital, when she was already feeling bad, my sister didn’t think of it, there was a priest there. And now they say that this will make it harder for her. Sister She blamed me for this, although she later apologized. And I called his cell phone, but he didn’t pick up... and I don’t think he had time... her eyes and her pain are always with me now, it’s very hard to bear it, especially the realization that what I didn’t finish it, she didn’t let me leave work during the day, and now I don’t even have a job, they fired me right away because I was away for a long time after the funeral and then I was sick with a sore throat for a week, and the direction wasn’t mine, they hired their own man.. and my mother probably didn’t let her in because of work or simply didn’t want to see that she was suffering, she kept driving her somewhere, saying that she still couldn’t help.. The main thing is that I was with her almost the whole week and they didn’t let me sleep, Now I also haven’t been able to sleep peacefully for 3 weeks, and during the day the same thing is constantly spinning.

Lena, age: 25 / 12/25/2011

Responses:

Helen, baby, in a similar situation, only confession saved me. I also loved and love my mother very much, and I was just as faint-hearted before her death, tired of bearing her pain. And then my soul also languished from a feeling of guilt, I could not forgive myself. After some time, I had the opportunity to go to a religious procession at one of the Mother of God monasteries. It was there that I received liberation by the grace of the Mother of God. Try, Lenochka, turn to some monastery confessor. The secret of confession cannot be revealed, but I will still say a little. That time, the priest who accepted confession did not say anything to me, not a single word, but apparently he prayed for me with all his heart. What I mean is that you don’t expect conversations and consolations, that’s not the point. We must be extremely honest and uncompromisingly call things by their proper names, without self-pity or justification. You already have repentance, now you need confession without a shadow of guile. You will definitely get relief, I can testify to you from my own experience. God help you, Lenochka.

Maria, age: 48 / 12/26/2011

Thank you Maria for your response. We have already fasted as a family and confessed. I even went to the monastery that she loved to go to in the summer in Zvenigorod and talked with the monk, went to churches, gave money for her. Does not help. =( I visited her grave, it seemed to feel better, but then again. Everything doesn’t help for long. And conversations with relatives and friends too. Prayer helps a little for her, but I can’t force the psalter to be read for her - I pray with my own words and prayers that I know. I even have dreams that I’m wrong and that I’m torturing her. Many people tell me that for the sake of her memory, we at least need to calm down and we’re fixated on the last moments. But it’s somehow hard for me and this is the first time this has happened to me, which can’t be corrected , what happened. Somehow that evening I didn’t think about the other side, apparently more about myself. About her I just thought that it would be hard for her to see my tears and didn’t want to disturb me, I wanted to come in the morning, which I did. =( And she always forgave us.. But it’s still hard and doesn’t help to forget this feeling, apparently I just have to live with it now.

Lena, age: 25/12/26/2011

Lena, you talk about your mother as if she died in every sense. But what about her soul? She loved you very much and will love you. All she needed was for you to be happy, and your mother would not need this grief not under any pretext. Perhaps, when a person is just preparing for death, he can be both tragic and thirst for communication. But after this trait, only the brightest remains. Therefore, your mother - she will always be with you. And you can always be with her to talk, it is not at all necessary to go to the cemetery. Trust me! She is nearby.

Svetkoko, age: 25/12/26/2011

You know, I really think that I was faint-hearted and tired of bearing her pain, it was no longer bearable. I also realized that for the first 3 weeks after death, even despite what had happened, I definitely would not have been able to go in again, I felt that it would be very painful there, more painful than always, and there would be no improvement, and most importantly, she would definitely she told me that she would die and I would have believed it. And the rest was apparently invented at that moment in order to justify oneself, so a lot of diverse thoughts in one second. I tried to come in a second time, but she didn’t pay attention to the open door and that’s why I ran off to bed, there’s no other way to put it. And the third attempt was when I remembered about the cup, but again I couldn’t and didn’t want to, because it was scary. In general, if you look at it, I had at least 4 attempts, if you also take into account the past day when I could have missed work and come earlier, despite her protest, or 5. In general, thanks for the advice. It’s a pity, of course, that she did more for us, a lot more, despite her illness, and that’s what I did. After all, the truth was faint-hearted. My mother is a martyr, there’s no other way to put it, even with a daughter like me. She had previously talked about how much it hurt her and about life, when she almost died, I just couldn’t stand it anymore. The funny thing is that most likely everything would have been calm there, but she was in her mind until the last moment and also knew that I was in pain. But now I don't know. The next day I tried to tell her and make her happy, these were my last words to her. “Mom,... I think I’m now crying for my pain and her pain, and the fact that I couldn’t take at least part of the pain away from her, me.” it wasn't enough anymore. =( this really hurts.

Lena, age: 25/12/26/2011

And I was also afraid that she would fight for her life and cry, feel more pain, she used to be very afraid of death.. And I would disturb her and it would start.. Although before, when she died, she seemed to always be calm, but here are such thoughts. This is truly cowardice, I couldn’t stand it. =( I even knew what she could tell me when she died, so the next day she told me briefly. In general, I know that I’m wrong. But somehow I didn’t know what to do and time was limited in order to It took me a night to get ready and enter the room. I’m just scared that she didn’t tell me something that she wanted. Although, probably, her eyes say more. And we somehow didn’t say in words that we love... her... I guess I was afraid of breaking and scream, and she too. In short, I offended my mother with my cowardice. I always had more or less fortitude, but not here. And there’s nothing to tell here... when my mother dies. Only I didn’t fully think about her that she needed it. instead she deceived herself that she would live.

Lena, age: 25/12/26/2011

Helen, my condolences, baby. Go to the website: https://www.memoriam.ru/ Read the materials for those grieving there. Especially this one: https://www.memoriam.ru/main/vina If you want, you can copy your post and move it here: https://www.memoriam.ru/forum/viewforum.php?f=24&sid=433114ee1d4c629f70d8c9c8c79c8543 And, baby, why can’t you do anything for her? After all, your mother’s beautiful soul is alive and is waiting for help from you - prayers, acts of mercy. And also, honey, do you think your mother would like to see you, immersed in guilt? Or is all her love aimed at making her daughters happy? Cry, dear, grieve, but let your tears be bright tears, tears of temporary parting. After all, your mother’s love is always with you, dear Lenochka. And your love is with her forever. God's help.

Elena, age: 54 / 12/26/2011

Hello, Lena! Don’t blame yourself and don’t punish yourself, you gave everything you could give to your mother, the rest was beyond your strength. Very often the Lord uses the last minutes of a person’s life so that he has time to reconsider his life again, forgive someone, and repent before the Lord. So it’s quite possible that that’s why you didn’t go there. In any case, only the Lord knows. And you let go of this pain and forgive yourself, leave your mother alone and don’t bother her. After all, it is very painful for her now to see your suffering, especially since she is a believer, which means she is with the Lord in heaven. She is much better there than on this earth. Read what the Bible says about heaven and you will feel much calmer, be happy for your mother, that she is now very happy. And never blame yourself, and if you did something wrong, then through your repentance the Lord will forgive you. May God bless you!

Aleana, age: 41 / 12/26/2011

Lena! There was a similar situation in my life! My best friend died, with whom I could not talk before her death, I did not find time... Two days before my death, I spoke with her on the phone and said that I would definitely come as soon as I sorted out my (very important) affairs, on that she told me: “Of course you’ll come, where will you go!”, and two days later she was gone... But the worst thing for me was when I found out that before her death she asked one of our mutual acquaintances to do something for her after her death -what requests... I was torn by pain that I betrayed her and did not come on time, jealousy and resentment towards her, “why didn’t she tell all this to me, to her best friend, but to practically a stranger, not to her husband or son...” It took a lot of time before I was able to forgive her and, first of all, myself. To do this, I needed to understand how important it was for her to talk to me about her death, and I stopped all these conversations with a strong-willed decision, and said, stop, I don’t want to hear this, you won’t die... All this happened because of my selfishness and self-pity...And not for one second did I think about how IMPORTANT it is for a dying person that someone, at least one person, accepted the inevitability of the situation the way he accepted it (after all, he has no other choice) and listened to everything requests, worldly ones, what to wear, what to write on the grave, you know what I mean... You yourself know that it would be more difficult to do it alone... This woman listened to everything and fulfilled all these requests that were so IMPORTANT for her. Everything in this world, Lena, EVERYTHING, is done according to the will of God, and the fact that you could not come to your mother that day is also God’s providence, nothing depends on you, in this life, understand and accept it. This means it is necessary It was so that you passed these tests and they taught you...probably humility. And no matter what you try to do now in this regard, nothing will change either. Your mother is in a better world now. Everything she could do for herself, she did on earth. The kingdom of heaven to her! Deal with it and move on with your life. And most importantly, FORGIVE YOURSELF. Whether we live, we live for the Lord, or whether we die, we die for the Lord! And remember that only the body is temporary, but the soul lives forever... You can always talk to your mother whenever you want. Time will heal everything, believe me, but living in constant despondency is not according to God! Not by any of your actions, rituals, self-torture, insomnia, you can’t change anything with tears. You can’t make your mother better, much less worse, no matter what anyone tells you. Everything you do on earth, you do in the name of the Lord, but only for yourself and you can’t influence anything !None of the people know or can know how it is THERE! (I’m talking about the fact that you didn’t bring a priest). I hope that my experience will ease your pain at least a little... All the best to you!

Tatiana, age: 40 / 12/26/2011

Forgive yourself. Yes, you are a weak person, but we are all not gods. Your mother loved you and you loved her too. It's enough. Saying goodbye doesn't mean anything, what matters is what you experienced together. And this is your whole life. You can't even imagine how much joy you brought her. Do you think she would want you to kill yourself like that because of her? Enjoy the life your mother gave you. My mother is happier when she sees the smile on my face when she feels that I am happy. She didn’t want you to remember her suffering, that’s why she didn’t want to see you. She didn't want to cause you or herself unnecessary pain. And don’t listen to others - no one knows and will not know what awaits us THERE. No one is allowed to know this. Why it’s worse for her THERE, why it’s better, it’s not up to the living to decide. And it’s normal to worry like that at first. You just haven't recovered. You just have a “didn’t have time” complex. Time cures.

Daniil, age: 27/12/27/2011

Thank you everyone for your support, it really does get easier every day.

Lena, age: 25 / 12/27/2011

Hello. I already wrote here, my mother died a month ago, then they fired me from work, saying that this was not a charity organization, I immediately fell ill with a sore throat after her death and I was gone for a week more.. now for the first time I have severe depression, in general it’s very difficult . I suffer from a feeling of guilt in front of my mother that I was afraid of her death, was cowardly and did not come in in the evening when she allowed me to tell something or sit with her. I convinced myself that she would live... more than once she was near death and lived. In general, stress.. shock... selfishness.. before that she almost died in my arms, when no one was there.. and it was just scary.. it hurt.. In general, this is killing me, I can’t forgive myself.. she’s very it's a pity. But it was beyond my strength at that moment.. and I probably wasn’t thinking about that.. I came in later to see if everything was okay.. in general, it’s been in my head in an acute form for a month now.. Now I’m missing her words on how to live further and that she doesn’t want us to worry like she did after her mother’s death. I was with her in the morning... and in general for 23 of my 25 years without parting. I didn’t even have friends, guys... I’m the youngest child. And everything seems to be normal for me, like everyone else on this site. After all, life hits you from different sides, but something good always remains. As for work... it’s still not my thing... I want to work where I have to communicate with people, and not with an accountant. Or with children. In general, I want to change direction. Therefore, this seems to be the norm... you’ll just have to look for the norm to be paid. Health seems to be there, of course it’s not ideal and there are concerns... but there it is. I have a husband, if he doesn’t break down from my depression. And in general, it was my mother’s happiness for the last month... that she was at the wedding... And also my brother, sister, dad, niece. There is somewhere to live. There is little money, but there is. In general, it is important for all my loved ones that I live. But several times a day I think that I want to die. I see her eyes, her pain. She wanted to see my children, if I had them, she dreamed about it. She gave a lot of affection, love and warmth. I loved her more than myself. I might as well die instead of her, I agree, but I never held such thoughts because I understood that I would kill her with this. And now there are a lot of people who seem to be crying if something happens to me.. Dad was almost crying when he started worrying about my health.. I know their pain.. it’s too hard to bury everyone at once, there aren’t many of us left. And if my mother knew...she would go crazy. Well, if there is something there, it’s a setup for her.. But there’s a vicious circle in my head and I can’t get out of it. I used to believe in God and now I have something... but I don’t believe in life after death. I think that people go into eternity, from where they came. Church became different for me... not joyful as before, when I prayed for my mother’s health, but a crypt with preparation for eternity. In general, there is no meaning to life, there is no one to give me what my mother gave me and what I am so used to. I don’t know how to live for them, as I lived for my mother. And my future is not interesting to me. I don’t want to go and look for happiness because in the end there’s death and I’ll never see my mother, I won’t be able to do anything for her. I feel unworthy since I couldn’t be with my mother when she asked. Maybe if not for this I would have bounced back faster. In general, my own children, whom I need to give birth to at some point and if I succeed... are also not happy... I know that I will often remember my mother when I look at them and myself.. Nothing interests me. Mom wanted to live and died sane and alive, but I can’t see myself without her. I am nothing. I am a greater corpse than she is, because I have no joy in the world without her. Besides, she’s also a traitor, apparently, having seen her suffering, she blamed everything on herself... I even associate my movements with my mother... I see her hands instead of mine. In general, I don’t know what to do with myself. She wanted to tell me something. but didn't say. She told me not to quarrel with my loved ones. I don’t know.. Now I’ll probably live as a vegetable, who doesn’t love anyone much, especially himself, and feels guilty and retreats into eternity. I don’t know how to feel about myself and the world seems gray... and I seem unworthy, and the guilt cannot be erased... it’s already gone. Maybe tell me something, since I haven’t learned to live with my own head, and I’m afraid to listen to what my mother says... before everything was joyful, but now I understand that my mother created all this... and I’m basically nobody in this world. In general, dying is not so scary now. it became scarier.. but I think if something happens I’ll think about my mother too.... in general, I probably specifically want to destroy myself at the subconscious level. She always said that she gave birth to me for herself, she invested so much... but I didn’t repay her debt... and I don’t know at all... I was afraid of her death all my life.. then it seemed that I could cope.. as long as she didn’t suffer.. but It turned out that I was generally unworthy and I would agree to give her my years, if it were possible... part of them... so that she would be alive and joyful. It still torments me very much that she suffered and thought when she felt bad that she was unhappy, she suffered a lot... apparently I couldn’t stand it... that she decided that she was unhappy... and I tried so hard to give her happiness... apparently it didn’t interrupt. This means that her life was full of torment and I took away the joy before death... since I was not with her in the evening. In general, it’s hard, I don’t know, I already feel like I’ve partially undermined myself. Already headaches that never existed and my heart hurts. In general it hurts. Why am I so stupid.. thought about myself, and not about her.. closed in on myself.. even sometimes the thought flashes through that out of the three of us, she gave birth to me in vain.. I once told her this, when I was little.. because I thought that she had health problems because of me.. she was very offended.. I remember her pain and it hurts me unbearably.. what should I do? I feel like a living corpse. I even changed in appearance.. today I didn’t recognize myself. I know that it’s selfish not to live for the sake of loved ones.. I kind of try to do something for them.. but I don’t want to live for myself.. even take a scoop and dig in) my mother didn’t teach me to always listen to her.. although I tried.. I regretted it. .. and I turned out to be weak.. she was worried about why she was doing all this.. why is that? that she is so kind, good, doing good to people.. who loves her own and other people’s children must die, and this really happened.. and I don’t understand why my beloved mother died.. and seemed to be understandably ill.. but this fear is for me What? Since childhood I have been afraid of losing her and now I have lost her, and even with a feeling of guilt and not knowing how to live. This is probably a kind of selfishness.. In general, the New Year is coming, but it seems like such a deception) with its fairy tale... now everything that I liked before seems unbearable.. reminds me of the old me. happy.. now I will never be like that.. and she will never be. In general, who should pray... you yourself understand that they don’t come back... but live in our memory, soul... and now I have an unhappy mother living inside me, with pain in her eyes, and I thought that she was happy.. When my mother told me She was unhappy about my future.. but she said.. I now understand.. that she understood that she wouldn’t be there.. and what now? You don’t have to talk about prayers and that my mother is looking from there... she has been in this school since childhood... this was instilled in me from infancy... her body is not nearby.. and her soul is far away.. and if I don’t see her nearby... I see her her eyes.. If you can, pray for the newly deceased Photinia, she believed until the last, but died without receiving communion. He really was a wonderful person, a martyr in fact, who helped strangers even when she was so ill. She still has a voice in her head asking the doctors to help her for the sake of her children, but they only mocked her... and it’s true - a bunch of mistakes that cost her suffering. The disease is not that scary. how much doctors made you suffer. Either they have no head, or hands, or they are simply indifferent. She even went into the cold water at the monastery... there was a lot of pain... My sister could stand it, but I couldn’t... but my mother forgave me for going less often in the summer... but before her death, I couldn’t stand it again. =( eh. In general, I have a very sharp memory of the past.. now from happiness it has turned into guilt and pain for me. Only now I found the strength to remember her more or less healthy... this is terrible. =(( I supported her all my life , then she broke down.. From childhood I took care of her the same way she cared for me. She grew up and did this to her.. all because of the fear of her death, disbelief in it, hope.. apparently she became more callous towards her.. suddenly she thought that I didn’t need her? And I was just afraid of hurting both her and myself.. in general, I pulled away and this is my main sin. She once didn’t sleep at night for me and I owe her, and I only I was self-pitying, thinking that I had already endured so much... and poor thing, she had endured so much... I had cancer for 2 years... But I couldn’t stand it and didn’t want to stand the pain, now because of this it hurts more... although I still had to see a lot. .and do. I didn’t think about my mother at that moment, that I had to crawl.. but to be there, and not wait for the morning.. But to flinch from the morning calls.. to be afraid of her death.. I was probably wrong to think that I had there is my life for the last 2 years.. my feelings.. it was all hers. Priests, prayer, monks, confession give a short-term effect, I will try to confess differently over time. I also need to talk to the priest.. but I already think that it won’t help.. to live with it. I hope that I won’t break my health and God won’t be offended by my thoughts.. today I sat in church and thought about everything that was happening to me.. She said that I don’t believe in life after death, but I believe in him.. she said that I feel so bad and even I want to die.. and for him to help solve all this, if he can and not give me illnesses) for a sense of life) I noticed such a common thing. Mom kept wanting to lose weight.. then she cried, Lord, but not at the same cost.. Once she was worried about being overweight.. but it turned out like this. Maybe she should have done something herself for her health... but she already did a lot in life, and didn’t know something. She was very good and it’s really a pity that a place in this world has been vacated from her... such people are needed here, I don’t know how much more needed they are there. I used to want more freedom, but now I don’t want anything. I know that she wouldn’t want this to happen to me and I was like that, but I also didn’t want this to happen to her and neither did she.. It feels like, as my friend said, that the world where horses eat rainbows and poop has died colorful butterflies. and the horses died) Now no one will tell me that everything will be fine... Thank you if someone read all this..

Lena, age: 25/12/31/2011

Today, of course, complete relief came, only the memory of my mother remained, and unexpectedly. I heard my mother’s voice during the day, after I was upset again and thought that I would have to live with this and that I couldn’t beg God, and especially forgive myself. Although I wanted to write a confession to the monastery, as my friends advised me. You know, my mother seemed to say very loudly in person, very loudly and more irritated than ever: MOTHER has forgiven you, whose forgiveness DO YOU still need?! WHO else do you want to ask for forgiveness?! What are you up to?! MOTHER FORGIVED YOU! Everything inside was shaking. In general, now I’m not worried and the month is remembered as an incredible ordeal. I smiled for the first time today when my husband said, even though he is not a believer and is against everything, that my mother even still has enough fire to push through. =))) My previous message was very sad and written inappropriately)) I’m ashamed of it now. =) I was lucky to have such a mother. And it’s a shame that my mother had to leave so early, because she was a very bright person and her parents gave her the exact name Svetlana. Many people told her that she shines for people. Once again THANK YOU and all the best. =)

Lena, age: 25 / 01/12/2012

Good evening Lena. I’m 21 years old. At the age of 16, my mother died of lung cancer. Everything happened so quickly and rapidly that I didn’t realize that she was dying. Thoughts were spinning in my head that my mother would get sick and be cured, and things would get worse definitely won't. Many of my relatives hid the diagnosis from me and from my mother. They said it was a stroke. I really regret that I didn’t see that this was far from a stroke. She was fading away every day. I was nearby. But still. I love her very much! How I learned to live. Sometimes I think that I’m probably deceiving myself, that I was stuck in the same way at the age of 16. But everything around me is changing and not for the worse. Maybe this means something. My mom made me promise. She said that I’m stronger than my dad. .and stronger than her. Because she told me this, I believed it. My promise was to live. Literally. and I live. I try to live, not exist. I have 2 brothers. I love them.very much. And They help me fight sadness more than even I do. When I feel bad and sad. I imagine their future. What processes in our lives occur with the presence of parents. Where my mother would like to go with them. And because I imagine myself with them. I forget about everything.bad. I must. and not only should. I want to be with them. If you look for meaning, it lies in the future. The future, what happened to my mother, of course showed that it is not predictable. But it also showed that how you need to appreciate the moments... And hoping for the future is what saves. I don’t like the phrase time heals. Nonsense. We accept it gradually, but we are not cured. I sometimes imagine myself in that place. So that I would wish. Of course, not to lose heart. Wake up. Open my eyes. See what is valuable. and did everything not to break completely.

Akmaral, age: 21 / 02/10/2013

Don't cry, life goes on.

Alina, age: 42 / 11/23/2013

your mother was sick and died a natural death and there is nothing you can do about it! You are in vain blaming yourself, the date of death cannot be changed if it is so ordained by God! Guilt prevents you from letting your mother go to another world! Your mother loved you very much and has already forgiven you everything and was I would be very glad if you pulled yourself together and continued to live! And someone told you that it would be harder for your mother there because the priest didn’t have time, only the Lord knows!

Olga, age: 32 / 02/08/2014

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How to admit your mistakes

Many people believe that guilt, like pain, will subside over time. And they prefer to live with her until the end of their days. No, it won't subside. Remorse will only flare up with even greater force. Until understanding and acceptance of some important points comes.

First, we must accept the fact of death. After all, we will all leave, but life will continue after us. That is, it is important to cope with all periods of loss and grief.

To do this, live through the situation - say goodbye to the deceased, bury him with dignity and, without focusing on grief, let go (you can’t bring back the past), start living your old life, proving your love for your loved one with your actions

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You need to analyze your mistakes, and they happen to everyone. Having understood them internally, at the first level, having realized, admitted: yes, this is true, my behavior in that situation was not correct. And this is the right step.

It’s good to share your confessions with someone who won’t judge and start spreading them left and right. This is an admission of error at the second level.

You can visit a psychologist. A good specialist, having figured it out, will quickly begin to help get rid of the obsessive thoughts that haunt a person.

It also happens that it takes 2-4 sessions to answer the question “how not to blame yourself for the death of a loved one.” Sometimes even regular correspondence on Skype or another messenger is enough.

Believers go to church. And not just to light candles or order the demand. At such moments, communication with a priest is very saving. This could be a confidential conversation with him or a confession. It is enough to tell very honestly about what worries you, what is wrong in your soul and what was done wrong during the life of the deceased

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Home prayer helps a lot, asking God to grant you the ability to see your mistake and admit your guilt.

The people closest to you are in trouble: what to do?

As a rule, it is the mother and the best friend who are two especially dear people in a woman’s life. If by chance one of them became a widow, we must try to do everything to ease their fate.

How can I help my mother survive death?

First of all, provide her with constant (perhaps even around the clock) moral support for some time. Someone should be with mom at all times. Moreover, it’s not worth talking to her constantly to distract her from sad thoughts. She should have the opportunity to be alone with her grief and decide how to start living. But the presence of a daughter or son in the house in itself helps a lot.

It is extremely important to listen to her in moments when, after the death of a loved one, she shares memories of the deceased. This is a kind of psychotherapy that has a beneficial effect on the state of the psyche. If your mother behaves aggressively, you need to treat this with understanding. If her grandchildren irritate her, it is better not to bring them to her for a while. Children also don’t need extra stress. React calmly to your mother’s outbursts of rage, as if you were reacting to a rainstorm or a hurricane.

Although sometimes a stern but kind remark can do a good job, and the woman will come to her senses. But correctness and love are important here. There is no need to invite relatives and friends in order to “dispel maternal loneliness” - this is both inappropriate and will not help.

Good films or TV series with a life-affirming, positive message can bring great benefits. But not frivolous comedies! Any initiative of the mother that distracts her from sad thoughts must be immediately supported with all our might. This will help her quickly accept the situation and learn to live without her husband’s support.

How can I help my friend cope with the death of her husband?

If she is left alone, you should live with her for a while. Of course, with her consent. You need to act on the same principle as with your mother - don’t interfere with conversations, but always be nearby. Don’t be offended by aggression, but try to listen with participation to everything your friend says. Often this is just a way to vent anger and resentment at injustice, and you are just a “catalyst.” After an outburst of anger, the widow may immediately burst into tears, and this is where she needs to be supported and pitied in a friendly way. The advice with films and TV series is also suitable.

How to correct mistakes in front of a person who is no longer around

Why do they feel guilty? Because they don't admit their mistakes. Or they admit them, but extinguish the gnawing feeling of guilt (by the way, it is necessary, because we learn through it) and do not correct themselves.

It is important not only to admit mistakes, but also to begin to correct them

.

What if he admitted it, but our loved one is no longer with us and there is no one to apologize to? You can say words of apology to the deceased for the mistakes made towards him. Do this mentally, as if communicating with him. But this is optional.

And then eradicate them in yourself and not allow this to happen to others.

Finally, there are other people around you. And you may be making the same mistakes with them. Acknowledge them. Apologize. Stop doing them.

That is, the formula looks something like this. Guilt and guilt after the death of a loved one is an unacknowledged mistake. An apology and correction following the admission of mistakes is the best thing that can happen for the soul of a living person and a deceased one.

Active methods of “rehabilitation”: what can be done?

Creation

Any type of creativity is suitable as therapy for a widow. By creating something with her own hands, a woman learns to distract herself from tragedy and acquires new interests and goals. Help to overcome grief:

1. drawing;
2. modeling from polymer clay;
3. photographing;
4. sport;
5. dancing;
6. vocal lessons;
7. breeding rare plants, aquarium fish, shrimp;
8. beading;
9. embroidery, knitting and other types of needlework.

This is a minimal list of what can captivate a widow and give her a decision on how to live further. The courses are suitable for those who prefer to be surrounded by other people and strive to establish communication. And mastering a new hobby from books or the Internet is for those who are not yet ready for intense communication. Gradually, the “shell” of alienation and grief that closed the woman from the world will open up, and she will fall in love with life again. But it takes time.

Help those in need

A very effective method that has helped a huge number of women who have lost their husbands is charity. By communicating live with people who have also experienced a huge tragedy or loss, but have not lost their strength of spirit and thirst for life, the widow will be inspired by their example and will gradually stop giving in to despair.

By providing financial, physical or moral assistance to those in need, she will strengthen her own spirit and be able to accept with courage what happened and survive grief. A good way out would be to help lonely people, children without parents or people with serious health problems. This path is not for everyone - it is indeed very difficult, but it is also the most effective. Often he completely changes a woman.

If a widow has managed to find the strength to do something and has achieved some success in this, depression is replaced by humility. The woman finally fully accepts what happened, understands that this is the natural course of things and begins to learn to live without her husband, but this time consciously.

What if there is no feeling of guilt, but you are blamed? False or imposed guilt

Could it be that I don’t feel guilty, but everyone around me claims that I do?

Alas, people can impose their mistakes on a person. But that's not his problem. Or the deceased loved one could be blamed for something. But this is false, and not about you.

The living can falsely accuse themselves. Like, I didn’t have time, otherwise he wouldn’t have died, I screamed yesterday and didn’t apologize, didn’t call, but he needed me.

There are many such reasons to blame yourself. But there is no point in blaming yourself for the death of an elderly parent - everyone, and not just mom and dad or grandparents, die.

Therefore, if there is no feeling of guilt inside, i.e. remorse means there is none. But try to impose it on yourself, torment yourself endlessly? Don't blame yourself. It is not worth it.

What if the family has small children? How can you avoid hurting them?

Candidate of Psychological Sciences Natalya Nozikova and educational psychologist Ekaterina Kolesnik argue that a child is more likely to experience grief without post-traumatic syndrome if he is allowed to show feelings. And also if there is a significant adult in his life who takes care of him.

Lena, 36 years old

When my mother died, my daughter was less than two months old. I wasn’t at the funeral, I couldn’t leave her with anyone. I think mom would understand. I don’t have an open gestalt about farewell.

I was constantly concerned about my daughter. I consoled myself with the thought that it was natural that we bury our parents. Mom lived a difficult life, buried two sons, but remained strong. I wanted to get support from her, I couldn’t believe that I couldn’t call her. Although I am 36 years old, it seems that before my mother died I was a child, and now I have become an adult.

Olga Shaveko

You can tell the child that his grandmother or mother has died, that now we will not see her, but we will remember her. You can take a child to a funeral, but don’t lead him if he doesn’t want to, don’t push him to take active action. It is important for a child, like an adult, to say goodbye to a loved one. The very presence at the funeral is not traumatic for him. A hysteria from an adult that he sees can frighten a child.

Younger children 3–5 years old see death as something reversible. From the age of 6, children understand that living things tend to die. You can build a conversation based on the child’s questions and his reaction.

If you feel that the child will have a hard time bearing the news of death, you can read fairy tales in which the characters lose someone close.

Often clients say: “How can I cry, because there are children nearby?” If a person does not bang his head against the wall, then children are able to withstand the tears of their parents. You can tell your child: “I’m sad that grandma is not around.” This is how we allow the child to feel. Children grieve too, but they may show it differently.

Instead of a resume

Someday each of us will go into Eternity. So that those living do not suffer from feelings of guilt and understatement, as if tangled in one ball, they do not need to engage in self-flagellation and self-criticism.

First, it is important to accept the fact of death; second, admit mistakes and correct them; third, stop blaming yourself, continue to live, proving your love for the deceased with good deeds and deeds.

If there is a feeling of guilt, justified or not? Choose any of the options described above. After all, the dead don't need anything. (And certainly – our groans due to imaginary or not imaginary guilt.) In addition to our good memory and constant prayers for their repose...

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