Narcissism is a bad character or mental disorder

Narcissism is a character trait that manifests itself in inflated levels of self-esteem, narcissism, and the perception of oneself and one's qualities from an exclusive point of view, which often does not correspond to the real state of affairs. The very name of this psychological feature comes from the Greek legend about Narcissus, who preferred admiring his reflection to the love of a nymph, which is why he was turned into the flower of the same name.

In psychological and psychiatric practice, excessive development of narcissism is considered from the perspective of personality deviations and character accentuations. At the same time, many scientists say that every personality has a narcissistic part; the only question is the level of development of this trait and its impact on the overall quality of a person’s life. Depending on how narcissism manifests itself, it can be divided into destructive and constructive, pathological and normative.

It was previously believed that narcissism was an exclusively male trait, but recent research has shown that it is equally common among both men and women. Narcissistic accentuation is usually not an innate quality, but acquires pathological forms only under certain developmental conditions, however, there may also be hereditary prerequisites at the level of the nervous system, for example, ADHD may be the basis for this type of personality disorder. It practically never occurs in childhood. The first signs may begin to appear in adolescence, and most often in adolescence and adulthood. This is due to psychological trauma, the development of reflection, social environment and upbringing.

Narcissism is

Narcissism is a characteristic of a mental state. A person presents himself as a superior person, his self-esteem is inflated. Such traits are found in ambitious, goal-oriented individuals. The desire to please everyone cannot be called a deviation.

But narcissism syndrome is pathological narcissism, a symbiosis of inflated conceit and inner emptiness. Constant suppression of feelings of envy, shame, guilt.

Deviations arise if an incorrect scenario was laid down in childhood. The desire to appear ideal turns into pathology. Narcissists are often diagnosed with other mental disorders - depression, bipolar disorder.

Narcissism is not a common personality disorder. The total number of daffodils in the world does not exceed 6%.

Causes of narcissism

Most personality disorders have roots in childhood. Narcissism is no exception.

Sigmund Freud believes that all children go through a stage of primary narcissistic syndrome. This is one of the intermediate but important stages in the development of personality. But then he identified other forms of narcissism, which confirmed that the disorder was a mental disorder.

A man reads a book in front of a mirror, admires himself

Karen Hortney believes that narcissistic character is formed in children if they constantly have to build psychological defenses from their parents. This happens if parents try to realize their ambitions through their child. At the same time, the desire and true manifestations of the child are not taken into account. Children develop an inferiority complex, which transforms into narcissism.

According to psychotherapist Otto Kernberg, narcissism is the desire of an adult to receive positive emotions that were not received from parents.

Why narcissistic injuries occur:

• disappointment in parental love;
• conditional emotional warmth - love needs to be earned, to be good, to be comfortable;
• physical punishment, moral violence;
• being ignored by parents, communicating only at the level of demands and obligations;
• there was no right for weakness or mistakes.

In addition to unhealthy family relationships, narcissistic syndrome occurs under the influence of environmental factors. In the media and social networks I constantly show ideal relationships and things. And advertising imposes services to bring people closer to these ideals. This has a negative impact on mental health.

Narcissistic personality type: inner world and formation

There are several theories about the origins of narcissism. This may be the parents' use of the child's natural talents. The so-called “only child syndrome”, when his success in the field of study, hobbies or extracurricular activities ensures the parents’ self-esteem.

“But my daughter was already reading well at the age of five,” says a mother to another woman, whose daughter, at six years old, still does not read. A daughter's early reading ability provides her mother with a brief sense of superiority or compensates for her failure in another area of ​​life, such as her career.

Such children grow up disoriented regarding their own desires, and prone to a narcissistic personality type, for which external achievements sometimes replace internal content.

Preoccupied with external attributes - beauty, achievements, fame, wealth, social status - narcissistic adults may feel empty deep down. The image, the “appearance” becomes more alive and important than the real inner core of a person, which seems to be completely absent.

What do you want to do with your life?

- “Budding” of apartments! This is when I build an apartment with the money I earn, and then I receive income from the apartment and work and buy another apartment, etc.

From a personal conversation

The need for external recognition is necessary for the narcissist to confirm internal worth. Since external admiration will never fully fill the inner emptiness, it is important to patiently seek and maintain contact with one's true nature.

This can be done through addressing the body and gender. For example, if you were born a girl, became a girl, then a wife, a mother, it is important to always remain a woman. Appearance, clothes, gait - this is the external image of a woman, but there is also the internal state of a woman.

It's like being a mother - whether there is a child around or not, you still remain a mother. So you remain a woman or a man in any case, there is no other option. It is necessary to learn to feel your natural manifestations of gender - feminine or masculine nature.

It is also necessary to decide who am I? We are talking not only about learned social roles, but also about internal content.

In everyone’s life, they have probably met a person who seems to radiate light; you want to be next to them. He found himself, his inner self, from which he does not turn away.

Finding and maintaining this contact with the part of oneself that is the real self is vital for the narcissist.

- Who are you? - Well, mother.

- Who are you? — Wife, granddaughter, adventurer, journalist, person, woman, <...>, I don’t know, everything.

- Who are you? - ... “Inspiration” for others and myself...

Workshop exercise

By the way, it is the narcissistic personality that is often susceptible to fears for their own health: “If I have a cold and a high temperature, it seems to me that I am dying!” This is associated with a feeling of one’s own fragility, the fear of feeling like a nobody, which is close to death. In this way, the fear of inner emptiness, of feeling like a “nobody,” is shifted to concern for physical health.

The narcissistic personality type can also develop as a result of early disappointments in relationships with caring adults. If a schizoid (schizoid personality) often has a protective, boundary-violating mother in childhood, then a narcissist may have a cold, depressed or dependent mother whose love is impossible to achieve.

I don't have a single positive memory associated with my mother.

From a therapeutic conversation

Then the child adapts to adults, continuously achieving successes that can be provided in payment for love. Dad values ​​self-reliance and independence - the daughter will do everything herself, the grandmother cares about school grades - the grandson will study well.

On the one hand, thanks to this behavior, the will to live, hard work, perseverance, enterprise, everything that is called “healthy narcissism” is formed. On the other hand, there is a distance from the inner world and, as a result, an inability to have spiritual closeness with other people. If a schizoid chooses to retreat into himself, into his inner world, then a narcissist chooses to escape into external life.

As a result of “renunciation” of an emotionally significant parent, the narcissistic personality is characterized by a polar attitude towards significant adults, for example, the mother is interpreted as unambiguously bad, and the father as unambiguously good, etc.

The point is that any child initially loves his parents, regardless of their attitude towards him. At the same time, when he begins to see indifference, coldness, indifference and dislike in the behavior of a significant parent, then instinctively the psyche will try to compensate for this situation.

If one parent is indifferent and bad, then the child learns to devalue his contribution and endows the other, often more distant parent or relative with ideal traits: “My mother always had no time for me, but my grandmother, and after her death, my grandfather and father did everything for me.” This is how the formation of devaluing and idealization mechanisms occurs.

An atmosphere of constant evaluation contributes to the development of a narcissistic character. Moreover, it does not matter what exactly - criticism, or praise and applause are accepted in the family. In both cases, the child is constantly aware that he is being evaluated, and admiration, unlike acceptance, is fleeting, and gives rise to anxiety that there is something in a person not worthy of admiration - emptiness, falsehood.

Also, the primary factor provoking narcissism in an adult is permissiveness in childhood. It can be of any origin: from a parental message with good intentions “you should have everything, unlike us,” to an indifferent “nobody cares about you - do what you want.”

So, the tendency to develop a narcissistic personality type is formed as a result of:

• exploitation of a child’s talent to maintain the parent’s self-esteem;
• the indifferent attitude of a significant adult, most often a mother, due to which compensation is formed by achievements and the inability to be in close relationships;
• evaluative criticism and constant attempts to shame the child, or evaluative admiration and praise, or both;
• spoiled and permissive behavior of the child.

The narcissistic personality type is characterized by the inability to distinguish between one's true feelings and efforts to impress. Since the narcissist's self-esteem is built on external attributes, admitting failure, failure, guilt or addiction is very painful and is experienced as something shameful.

A narcissistic person avoids or rarely and reluctantly shows feelings of regret about mistakes, heartfelt gratitude for help, which leads to impoverishment of communication with others.

The internal experiences of a person with a narcissistic personality type include a feeling of vague falsehood, emptiness, shame, envy, inferiority, in response to which compensatory opposites develop - self-sufficiency, pride, self-confidence, contempt, vanity and a sense of self-superiority.

Moreover, states of grandiosity can alternate with feelings of one’s own insignificance. For a narcissist, it will be important to try to maintain a balance between euphoria and despondency, otherwise, the greater the hit in one direction, the further the rollback in the opposite direction.

Narcissistic arrogance serves as a defense against envy: “I’m better than them,” and self-confidence serves as a defense against intimacy: “I can handle it on my own.” The narcissist has difficulty admitting his role in the problems of establishing close relationships. It even seems that intimacy is some kind of trifle that the narcissist cares little about.

A highly adaptive, narcissistically organized person can be fun, energetic, interesting, and infectious, but they have difficulty being in close relationships, being vulnerable, warm, sympathetic, and empathic. It is generally difficult for him to remain, he is constantly moving, improving, developing, achieving.

Signs

It is not difficult to recognize a narcissist; the disorder has characteristic manifestations. The exact assessment criteria for narcissism are described in the American Psychiatric Association's Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders.

To test narcissistic traits, there is a questionnaire - “Analysis of the main components of the narcissistic personality.” It was developed by Robert Raskin and Howard Terry. The more positive answers, the more pronounced the manifestations of narcissism.

How narcissism manifests itself:

1. Inflated self-esteem, the habit of exaggerating one’s own talents and achievements. The narcissist expects praise and admiration for even the most insignificant actions.
2. Constant dreams of worldwide recognition, power, relationships, success. But the person does nothing to make his fantasies come true.
3. He considers himself right and chooses an environment to suit himself. If you make friends, then only with the right people. The girl should have a model appearance. All items are only from famous brands.
4. Constant demand for admiration, attention, recognition. He believes that any of his actions is an excellent subject for an article in a newspaper on the front page or a news report.
5. Everyone owes Narcissus, he is sure of it. Everyone must fulfill his whims on demand; nothing is more important than serving him. After all, he is so irreplaceable.
6. Using people to achieve their goals is the norm for patients with narcissism. At the same time, thanking people for their help is not at all necessary.
7. They don't know what empathy is. They are not interested in other people's experiences. A narcissist will hurt you and not even notice it. He is more concerned about how not to lose his own greatness in an uncomfortable situation.
8. Envy is a constant companion of the narcissist. He envies everyone, he is sure that everyone envies him, that’s why he criticizes.
9. Arrogance is a core character trait that drives people with narcissistic disorder. Self-affirmation at the expense of the shortcomings and mistakes of other people? It's easy and there's no shame.
10. The main methods of defense are perfectionism and disappointment. Patients with narcissism syndrome avoid attachments because they are afraid of disappointments. They often create ideal images in their imagination, but the discrepancy between reality and ideal leads to disappointment.

The presence of at least five of the listed symptoms indicates a disorder.

You hate feeling emotions

“The very fact of having feelings in the presence of another person suggests that you can be moved emotionally by friends, family, partners, and even the occasional tragedy or misfortune,” says Harvard Medical School psychologist Craig Malkin. This is why narcissists hate them.

The emotions “challenge their sense of complete autonomy,” he continues. “Admitting feelings of any kind assumes that they can be affected by someone or something from the outside.”

As a result, narcissists tend to change the subject when feelings are brought up, especially their own.

What is the difference between female and male narcissism?

In 2015, the University at Buffalo conducted a study on narcissism to identify gender differences. An analysis of 30 years of data from 475 thousand participants showed that men are more likely to be narcissistic than women. The results of the study were published in the journal Psychological Bulletin.

There is little difference between female and male narcissism.

When identifying gender differences, researchers studied 3 aspects - leadership, authority, law and exhibitionism.

Results:

1. Men are more likely than women to exploit others and feel like people with unlimited privileges.
2. Narcissistic men strive to dominate and are more assertive than women. But the quality of a leader is not considered feminine. Girls are constantly criticized for authoritarian, aggressive behavior, and excessive determination. Under the influence of public opinion, manifestations of narcissistic behavior in girls and women were suppressed.
3. Both sexes are equally self-centered and vain.

You're More Attractive Than Other People - Or At Least You Think So

Narcissists are typically rated as more stylish and physically attractive, according to a study conducted by University of Washington psychologist Seemin Wazir. However, this is not always the case. According to a 2008 study, narcissists rated themselves highly in both appearance and intelligence, but when they took IQ tests, they scored average. When their peers were asked to rate their narcissistic friends based on their appearance, they scored lower than the narcissists themselves.

How to communicate with a narcissist

Building a healthy relationship based on equality and trust with a narcissist is difficult. It's easier to cut it off and forget. But this cannot be done.

How to deal with a narcissist - recommendations from a psychologist:

• Emotional detachment. You need to learn not to react to provocations, toxic comments and manipulation. Patients with narcissistic syndrome do not admit their own mistakes because they are confident that they are right. Therefore, they do not know how to draw conclusions or correct behavior.
• Set boundaries for personal space. You cannot allow yourself to be drawn into unpleasant conversations or carry out intrusive requests or orders. You will not receive gratitude and reciprocal help.
• Use only short answers in conversations. This helps to resist manipulation, avoid psychological attacks, and unnecessary conversations.
• Stick to the topic of conversation and don’t go off to one side. People with narcissistic syndrome like to get personal and make ridicule and complaints. Therefore, try to keep the discussion on track.
• Compliments are the only way to get what they want from narcissists. After flattery and praise, your request will be granted.

You must always be in control

Just as narcissists hate talking about their feelings, “they can't remain at the mercy of other people's preferences,” Malkin says. “It reminds them that they are not invulnerable or completely independent—that, in fact, they may have to ask for what they want—and worse, people may not be willing to grant that request.”

This is why they can control themselves without getting angry. In romantic relationships, narcissists control people with disapproving glances, calls to change plans, and chronic tardiness. This allows narcissists to undermine other people's ability to make choices. By doing this, narcissists maintain their sense of complete autonomy, which they so desperately need.

Treatment

The narcissist does not admit that he is sick, because he is ideal, the feeling of guilt is not inherent in him. Such people turn to a specialist with other problems - depressive, bipolar disorders, alcohol addiction.

There are no medications to treat narcissistic disorders, but psychotherapy helps to get rid of feelings of superiority, irritability, depression, low self-esteem and self-worth. The most effective psychotherapeutic techniques are Gestalt therapy and transactional analysis. Classical psychoanalysis and Jungian depth psychotherapy are used less frequently.

During sessions, the psychotherapist teaches the patient:

• treat people better, which will help build close and trusting relationships;
• find reasons for mistrust, contempt for people, constantly compete;
• accept responsibility;
• recognize and accept one’s potential, realistically assess one’s competence, and calmly accept criticism;
• empathy, ability to manage feelings;
• methods of getting rid of unattainable goals.

Short-term therapy is aimed at eliminating the causes and consequences of stress, smoothing out the manifestations of the crisis. But to completely eliminate the disorder, long-term therapy is required, often with the involvement of family members.

You put some people on a pedestal

Malkin says the logic here is: “If I find someone perfect to be with me, perhaps some of their perfection will rub off on me, and I will become perfect by association.”

With this ideal in mind, narcissists suck up to people they perceive as perfect—whether it's a coworker or a romantic partner—and then are truly disappointed when that person isn't as flawless as they imagined. For a narcissist, everything has to be perfect.

What can you tell us about being in a relationship with a narcissist?

A relationship with a narcissist is not a relationship, but constant stress, a war for personal space. He only seeks in partners confirmation of his own importance, superiority to reinforce vulnerable self-esteem. To avoid mental health problems, such relationships need to be ended.

But breaking up with a narcissist is a difficult process. From a feeling of unbearable insult, he will use all methods to get his partner back. For a while he will become what they want him to be. But all this is just another manipulation. Having achieved his goal, he returns to his behavior.

How to leave a toxic relationship:

• make a list with all the reasons for breaking up and keep it handy;
• get rid of illusions - people do not change, and especially narcissists;
• stop any communication - block everyone, if you have common children, take a friend or relative to meetings.

Let go of your feelings, suffer a little and don't blame yourself for it. The narcissist does not suffer, he restores the ego, using the most unpleasant methods for this - gossip, searching for a new victim.

You enjoy humiliating other people

Narcissistic people intentionally suppress others in order to maintain a high, positive image of themselves. “Admiration seeking is like a drug for narcissists,” says Mithja D. Back, a psychologist at Johannes Gutenberg University in Mainz, Germany. “Eventually, things become very difficult because not everyone is ready to applaud them, so they always have to find new acquaintances from whom they get their next fix.”

This also explains why narcissists usually only maintain weak relationships.

The narcissist has deep dissatisfaction with himself

From the outside it seems that narcissists endlessly love only themselves. But that's not true. Narcissism is one of the ways to hide gaps in self-esteem and feelings of dissatisfaction with oneself and uncertainty.

Patients with narcissistic injury often consider themselves worthless and do not consider themselves worthy of love or respect. But they cope with this condition by demonstrating compensatory behavior. Defense mechanisms are triggered, coldness and arrogance appear.

Narcissism is not a bad character, but a multifaceted personality disorder, manifested by inflated self-esteem and conceit. The treatment is provided by a psychotherapist.