The baby is one month old: “I will never give birth again!”
The child is one year old: “It’s so hard, how do women cope with two?!”
The child is three years old: “What a cute baby sleeps in the stroller, I want a second one!”
Such thoughts probably visit every second girl, but is the fear of having a second child justified and how to overcome it if you dream of a large and friendly family?
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Psychological fears
“Will I love the second one as much as the first?”
- a question that worries absolutely every mother. Of course, it is difficult to imagine the emergence of a second center of the universe like the only child in the family now. Experts advise trusting your instincts - as soon as you take your youngest newborn in your arms, see how unnecessary these fears were, because love for your children is genetically embedded in a woman. Do you agree that before the birth of your first child, you also didn’t know what a strong wave of feelings would engulf you in relation to him?
“What if I love the younger child more than the older one, or vice versa?”
- and this is also unlikely. You will love the baby who behaves better at a particular moment, and this cannot be avoided. But overall, both of them will be the most expensive and most loved.
“What if the first child gets jealous and feels unwanted?”
- this will not happen if you initially do not separate him from the younger one, either during pregnancy or after. Psychologists recommend immediately presenting the situation in such a way that you are all expecting your second baby together, and you will also take care of him together. While you are pregnant, together with your elder, arrange a corner for your future brother or sister, go to an ultrasound together, come up with a name for the baby, discuss how you will spend time together. Be sure to remind the first-born that, despite his new role as the eldest child, everything will remain the same and he will not lose his beloved mother. Consider in advance how you can allocate individual time for your first child when it is just the two of you, and let him know. Also allocate personal space for the older one so that he can spend time without the younger one.
By the way, experts call sending the elder to grandma, to a camp or to the dacha for the period of birth and the first weeks of a newborn baby’s life a parental mistake. If you don’t want to make your first-born feel like you’ve gotten rid of him for a while, you shouldn’t “send” him away. An older brother or sister will also be pleased to meet a new family member from the maternity hospital, go with him on his first walk and watch him get his first bath. This is how the older child’s feeling of caring for the younger one arises.
It is believed that the relationships between children in a family are largely determined by the difference in age. It is optimal when the arrival of the youngest child in the family occurs during the period of “babysitting” for the elder – this is from three and a half to five and a half years. They won't notice their age difference, but raising such kids will be extremely difficult for their mother. According to psychologists, a difference of three, seven or thirteen years would be undesirable, since these are children’s crisis ages, and the appearance of someone else in the family may be perceived with hostility. A difference of 4-5 years will help maintain the hierarchy between children, and a gap of more than 6 years will turn the older child into an additional parent and protector of the younger one.
Relationship with your spouse
This is a fairly important reason why many women refuse to become mothers for the second time. The fear of being left alone with two children arises in many mothers. And especially if the relationship with your spouse is not going too smoothly. But is there such a thing as an ideal relationship? Every family has certain problems that can and should be solved, but not remain silent about them. And, of course, the problem should be resolved together with your spouse. Perhaps you should calmly talk and discuss the situation. In addition, if a man really wants a second child, he will support his wife in every possible way and help her cope with her fears.
Health anxiety
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“The first child was born healthy, but the second may be born sick,”
- a thought that should be excluded from your head at the stage of its first appearance. If all tests and examinations are normal, and the ultrasound shows a healthy baby, the risks are minimal. If any problems arise, doctors will do everything possible to avoid pathology for the baby. Mothers with such fear should carefully monitor their health throughout pregnancy and do everything so that the baby in the womb develops without the mother’s stress. Do not forget that a full comprehensive examination before planning a child is an 80% guarantee of a successful pregnancy.
“It’s too late to give birth!”
. If you believe the statistics, the average age for the first birth among women in our country is 27 years old, therefore, the youngest children in Russia are born at about 32-35, but this is not at all a critical threshold when it comes to repeated births. You shouldn’t be afraid of the title “old-born”, which is so fond of “awarding” patients in maternity hospitals; this medical mark is placed much earlier, so with a 60% probability you earned it at the birth of your first child. Moreover, the average age of parents is getting older every year, so your maturity is unlikely to be a real issue during pregnancy, birth or after. But you will be able to give your second child parental wisdom and authority, and yourself youth in your soul for many years to come!
“The first birth was difficult, the second will be the same”
. There are many reasons to be afraid of this, because it all depends on why the first birth turned out to be a difficult ordeal. If it is possible to prevent this in advance, you can find a doctor whom you trust, discuss with him the expected birth scenario and talk through everything, down to the smallest detail. Well, if natural delivery is definitely excluded, and fears of an “epidural” are great, you can organize a caesarean section under full anesthesia.
By the way, the second birth is an excellent opportunity to arrange everything the way you want. Was partner birth a bad idea? - Give birth alone. If you don’t like one, ask your spouse to be present or sign a contract with a doula. Did it seem easier to give birth standing? – Choose a maternity hospital with vertical birth capabilities. The same applies to birthing in water, with musical accompaniment or with a personal midwife. Now you will no longer enter the maternity room with trembling knees and eyes round with fear, you know everything, which means you can prepare!
General Tips
Any fear described above exists, and under no circumstances should you make fun of it. What to do in such a situation, how to get rid of this strong feeling?
- First of all, the presence of fear must be recognized and accepted; without this, it will not be possible to overcome it, because you need to know the enemy by sight.
- If you can't handle it on your own, ask for help. Who to contact depends on the type of fear. If your fear, for example, is related to a health issue, you need to consult a doctor who can explain whether you are afraid of what you are afraid of or whether the fear is completely groundless. If the fear is not empty, the doctor will tell you how to minimize its risk. Many psychological fears can be overcome by loved ones, especially the father of the unborn child. A loving man can reassure his woman and provide her with support, the main thing is to talk to him so that he knows about your problem. After all, not all men can read between the lines and feel the inner world of another person, so they need to speak directly, avoiding hints. If your husband is interested in having a second/third child, he will reassure and support you. A woman should listen to herself, perhaps she herself knows what she wants to hear from her husband in order to calm down, and if this is so, then you should not play guessing, tell him frankly.
- Isolate yourself from people who bring you nothing but negativity.
Anxiety about finances
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“It’s expensive to provide for two children, and you’ll have to deny them a lot.”
In this fear, psychologists see parents’ fear of feeling guilty. After all, in fact, children can grow up physically and intellectually developed in any conditions. The main thing is how the parents themselves feel in a particular material situation. There are those who are comfortable not going to a water park every month and buying toys only on holidays. But many mothers and fathers do not want to deny their child anything, and if they have to do this, they begin to feel guilty. Consequently, as experts note, the psychological state of children may be affected not by the fact that they were denied another toy due to lack of money, but by the constantly depressed mood of their parents. Look at the situation from the other side: the second child will get many things from the first, and without newfangled consoles and a bunch of toys, there will be more time left for family communication and the kids playing with each other.
“Our apartment is too small for two children.”
Now is precisely the period of time when a second child can even improve the financial situation of the entire family, including in relation to living space. Let us remind you that for the second or any subsequent child in the family, the state gives parents a certificate for 453 thousand 26 rubles. You cannot receive maternity capital in cash, but you can spend its entire amount on improving your living conditions. That is, it is the second baby that will help you reduce your monthly mortgage payment or move to a new apartment if you use the certificate as a down payment. And now the question of the lack of a full-fledged nursery for two children disappears!
In addition, a mother of two children in our country receives a one-time allowance for the birth of her second child - 16,350.33 rubles, an increased allowance for child care up to one and a half years old (its minimum amount is 6,131.37 rubles), and if she goes on maternity leave while working , then also a lump sum payment for maternity leave. There should be enough for a newborn baby, taking into account the fact that most of the clothes and toys will be passed on to him from the older one.
Rescue of drowning people is the work of the drowning people themselves
Image copyright Thinkstock Image caption Keep a diary, record changes in mood, try to understand what caused them Doctors warn that postpartum depression is a disease, and it will not be possible to cure it through willpower alone. On the other hand, you should not rely solely on specialists and the achievements of the pharmaceutical industry. There are several generally accepted methods that can help women cope with depression. Expert advice may seem a little strange and obvious, but the British charity Mind, which helps people with mental illness, emphasizes that depressed patients often forget the obvious. What advice do they give?
- Don’t forget about personal hygiene, take a shower more often and don’t walk around the house half-naked, even if you’re not going anywhere and aren’t expecting guests.
- Keep a diary in which you record changes in mood, this way you can more accurately notice what events, affairs or conversations are ruining your life
- Lower your demands on yourself: if you didn’t have time to do something that you had planned, then okay! And sometimes treat yourself like you would treat your best friend.
- And be sure to contact an organization that provides support to women with a similar condition. They know what to do!
Fears about personal time and career
“My job doesn’t allow me to go on long maternity leave”
. Yes, it is possible that a two-year maternity leave will have a negative impact on your career, you will lose some qualifications, and another employee will take your position. But even in this situation, you can find a way out. Firstly, you can agree with your boss that your maternity leave will be short-lived - for example, six months. Then you will have to resort to the help of grandmothers or a nanny, but you will be able to return to work. Secondly, if your company really values a specialist like you, it will be able to wait for you for at least a year and a half until you send your youngest child to a nursery. And thirdly: perhaps it’s time for you to realize what you dreamed of during your first maternity leave? What if you are able to open your own small business or work remotely? You know, with a small child this is quite possible, and even with two!
“I won’t have any time left for my hobbies.”
And this problem is easy to solve if you don’t hesitate to ask your loved ones for help. In the end, during the time that the first grandson was growing up, the grandmothers became experienced, the husband stopped being afraid of small children, and the older child, if the age difference with the younger brother or sister is large enough, will be able to spend some time with the stroller in the yard. There will always be time for what is truly important. As experienced mothers say, if you get up an hour earlier than the children and go to bed a couple of hours later, the woman again has her own life. It is quite possible that your hobbies will eventually become family hobbies: for example, you can do fitness with your baby as a weight, or paint on canvas all together.
“Because of the second child, my relationship with my husband will suffer”
. According to psychologists, this moment should be key in deciding on a second child. Perhaps, like many other couples, after the birth of your first child, you and your spouse faced a serious crisis in your relationship that you really don’t want to repeat. Discuss whether you are truly ready to go through this again. Just keep in mind that the second time will be easier, since you both already have an idea of what problems you might encounter while your baby is growing. Together you have already managed to raise a whole person, so will your team really be afraid of the second test?
You can't forbid being beautiful
Such a familiar phrase for a woman who is pregnant for the second time only causes an influx of sadness. You can hear from your mother: “I’m very afraid to give birth to a second child, because I’ll get fat.” In addition, the first year after childbirth is usually quite difficult. Mom doesn’t get enough sleep, doesn’t rest well, and has bruises under her eyes. But this period can also be avoided if you approach the problem correctly. It is advisable to create a schedule for yourself, your older child and your newborn and try to stick to it. You should walk with your children as often as possible, do exercises with them and do not forget to take time for yourself. When the baby goes to bed during the day, the mother should do the same. Then you won't be so tired and will look much better. If you organize your sleep and wakefulness correctly, you can be beautiful and attractive even with a newborn child.
How to make a decision?
If after our arguments there are still doubts, it’s time to resort to the most common method in decision-making - weighing all the pros and cons. Yes, a child is not a thing, but why not write down on a piece of paper all the pros and cons of having him in your family? In the “negative” column, you will probably have many items such as financial difficulties, jealousy on the part of the first-born, lack of living space, or the inability to take a career break. And don’t forget to add the following few points to the “positive” column:
- You will be able to try everything that you couldn’t do with your first child: partner birth, infant swimming, co-sleeping, traveling with a sling, do-it-yourself “developmental exercises” and everything that your imagination can handle.
- The second baby can be called by the name that “did not win” the first time.
- You will again get all the hidden things of the first child. How nice it will be to put on such familiar little ones again, rompers, caps and socks!
- With your second child there will definitely be less fears, but more self-confidence and maternal wisdom.
- To the so annoying question “When is the second one” you can finally proudly answer “Already!”
But the most important thing is that with your second baby you will again feel that incredible feeling of maternal euphoria, which, quite possibly, you have already forgotten. And this is sometimes much more expensive than material problems and career growth.
