Illustrative photo: Pixabay.com Social phobia is an obsessive irrational fear of performing actions in front of an audience. The manifestations of social phobia are varied. Psychotherapist Yagdar Turekhanov spoke about the causes and methods of combating this disease in an interview with NUR.KZ. The specialist described in detail four steps towards freedom from social phobia.
Social phobia is a person’s anxiety or fear of interacting with people. Fear, most often associated with the expectation of a negative assessment of his personality by other people.
Recognition is important to every person to one degree or another. Recognition of him as an individual, as a person worthy of acceptance and love. A feeling of completeness, importance and need, at least for your loved ones.
What is social phobia?
Let's say a person comes to the company of other people. It could be a party, or a seminar, or a work meeting, or a date. A person is afraid to go to this meeting.
He is afraid of appearing wrong, unworthy, stupid, boring, strange, afraid of being devalued, ridiculed, humiliated and, ultimately, rejected. This is what “social phobia” is.
A person tries to avoid such situations and if he succeeds, he feels more or less good. But still lonely and sad. Finding himself in such situations, a person falls into horror: “perhaps I look or move somehow wrong, I say something wrong or say something wrong.”
Everything that happens is seen as proof that “I am some kind of flawed subhuman.” A person really wants to make a good impression on others, he tries to put on a mask and play the role of an “ideal” member of the party in his understanding.
That is, to behave unnaturally, not to be yourself. Because of this, a person behaves tensely, constrained, seems busy, unemotional, or, conversely, overly excited, displays emotions that are inadequate for the given situation: inappropriate giggling or theatrically pretentious grimaces of sympathy, tenderness or any other emotions. Without experiencing them yourself.
We know that in reality a person is gripped by the fear of appearing wrong. As a result, this fear is often justified.
Clumsy, tense attempts to impress may seem strange, funny or scary to others. And the person actually gets what he was so afraid of - misunderstanding, ridicule and rejection.
Of course, it is much more difficult for such people to achieve social success, build friendships, personal lives, and careers. This is why social phobia is called the “disease of missed opportunities.”
About fears as they are
So, let’s say you climbed a mountain a couple of thousand meters high and you became scared - what if I’m about to fall down! The question: why did you go there, we will omit it.
Or you are flying on an airplane and see a turbine catch fire. You are terrified - we will fall!
But if your plane is safe and sound, and you are walking on a flat road, and in your head you have “and we’re all going to die.” Or you are desperately trying to maintain a relationship, even knowing that you are unhappy in it, just so as not to be left alone. All this in the language of psychologists is called unmotivated fear.
What are the causes of social phobia?
The causes of social phobia are currently being studied. There are innate factors, and there is a share of the influence of parents and upbringing conditions. The risk of the disease is higher if one of the parents was also socially phobic, or if the child was raised in an atmosphere of excessive criticism or overprotection.
If you constantly make it clear to a child that he is loved and proud of him only because he behaves “correctly”, if you shame him for showing natural emotions and desires (by the way, all emotions and desires are natural, no matter what we fantasize about). ).
If we constantly compare a child with other children (the son of his mother’s friend / “zhurttyn balasy”) and everything like that, we can get a whole spectrum of mental disorders - a maladjusted, unhappy person living with a constant feeling of hopelessness.
Diagnostics
The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM), Fifth Edition, specifies the criteria for diagnosing social phobia. The patient should exhibit the following symptoms:
- noticeable anxiety or fear due to a social situation (one or more) where he will be under close attention;
- fear of being in an awkward position, receiving a negative assessment from people, ridicule, insults, rejection;
- active avoidance of the above situations;
- fear about the same situations;
- excessive fear that does not correspond to the threat (which, in general, does not exist);
- fear and avoidance worsen the quality of life, interfere with normal social activities and work.
The psychiatrist must make sure that the patient does not have other phobias that cause fear: PTSD, agoraphobia, body dysmorphic disorder, etc.
What to do if this person is you?
What steps can you take to alleviate your condition or even completely free yourself from social phobia? Psychotherapist Yagdar Turekhanov spoke in detail about this process.
Step 1: Admit that “I suffer from social phobia.”
“Yes, I’m a social phobe and that’s normal.” It’s normal, because on average more than 10% of people on Earth suffer from social phobia.
This is normal, because in our culture, implicated in hypocrisy, hypocrisy, constant cultivation of feelings of guilt, mistrust, fear, manipulation, it is very difficult to remain mentally healthy.
The problem is also that a social phobe, who already feels somehow inferior and unworthy, considers his very social phobia a sign of even greater inferiority. Because I’m used to interpreting everything that happens around me as proof of my own abnormality and insignificance.
Although in certain circles it is fashionable today to flaunt psychiatric diagnoses, this is a different story.
Step 2: Accept the fact that “my brain (in the grip of illness) is doing everything to confirm my picture of the world.”
He does everything to confirm: “I am nothing of myself”; “I am to blame for the problems of my family and friends” (often due to the fact of my birth and existence); “I owe everything”; “everyone owes me”; “Sincere love and friendship do not exist.”
“There are only selfish commodity-money relations, when people pretend to love you in order to use you and throw you away”; “Accordingly, you can’t trust anyone, everyone is just waiting to trip up, troll, humiliate and trample” and so on and so forth.
Step 3: Study in detail and observe “exactly how I do all this.”
How exactly do I validate all these beliefs? For example, I magically find for communication exactly those people who are prone to ridicule, manipulation, humiliation (let's call them partners).
I find these notorious sadists and try to build relationships with them. And, naturally, I quickly become the object of their toxic manipulations. In fact, it seems to you that they themselves come across your path.
Or it even seems that other people simply do not exist. Or other people seem uninteresting to you. Or you feel like other people are not interested in you.
The truth is that the diseased brain, or rather the disease itself, tricks the brain into seeing only what confirms the painful picture of the world - all those sad beliefs listed above. And what does not confirm this picture of the world, the brain does not seem to see, or does not even believe that this is possible.
Or, for example, you got involved not with a ready-made professional super-toxic sadist, but with a person who is generally kind and in some sense even capable of sympathy, but at the same time, has a mocking potential. More or less hidden.
In this case, the task of the disease is to reveal this potential. This involves subtle, barely noticeable (in fact, unnoticed by either you or your partner) pushing a person to realize his hidden toxic traits.
For example, you can be in constant melancholy and dissatisfaction with this person: “this is a good trait you have, but not good enough”; “I liked the gift, but actually I wanted something a little different”; “but they do it a little better”, etc., etc. In general, do approximately what your parents did to each other or to you.
As a result of these unconscious efforts, we quietly nurture monsters and provoke the revelation of their sleeping “nasty” traits. Moreover, from the outside it seems that “I had nothing to do with it, I tried to be good, but the scoundrel turned out to be a werewolf and took advantage of my defenselessness.”
This is actually true. It has nothing to do with you. It is not your fault. All this happens unconsciously (that is, not on purpose) as a result of painful processes in the psyche.
When it’s impossible to make a monster out of a potential monster - he doesn’t want to reveal his toxicity (maybe he doesn’t have it), there is a third win-win option - to interpret any words and actions of a partner as a manifestation of callousness, misunderstanding, bullying, ridicule, humiliation and devaluation .
“You said it as if you didn’t care”; “You act as if they are more important to you than me”; “You looked at those photographs - everything is clear,” and stuff like that. In general, you yourself know how it happens. Your task is to study in detail how your brain does this. It would be a good idea to even write down and draw all these diagrams for clarity.
Step 4: Imagine how you would behave with people if you were confident that you were a full and complete person.
Imagine yourself as an interesting person (interesting, first of all, to yourself), with your own unique characteristics.
Imagine if you believed that love and friendship really exist, that some people are interested in me and need me simply because they enjoy being around me, and they are not trying to somehow use and exploit me. On the contrary, they sincerely want to help and support.
Some people don't like me or are interested in me. But not because I am bad or behave incorrectly, but simply because all people are different and everyone has their own preferences and inclinations.
I don't like all people and I don't have to like everyone - that's okay. Most people do not wish me harm and do not seek to harm me. There are, of course, those, but this is most likely the result of their psychological problems and internal conflicts, low self-esteem and self-doubt.
And not because I am “somehow different.” In any case, the vast majority of people want to love and be loved, not everyone succeeds in this, but at their core, all people in their souls want peace and goodness, even if they do not always realize it.
Imagine if you had exactly these beliefs in your head, this picture of the world, how would it affect your behavior? How would you look, move and talk? How would you communicate with people?
Every person hates to hear a refusal. But if you thought something like this: “I was refused reciprocity. Probably because the person wasn’t happy with something about me, didn’t like something, perhaps it seems to him that I’m not right for him.
And if I, as I am, am not suitable for him, perhaps he is not suitable for me. In general, it’s good that this has become clear now. It's sad, of course, but what can you do? He didn't like such an interesting person like me. It is sad.
Perhaps he has problems and you can only sympathize with him. Well, I will communicate with those who are interesting to me and who are interested in me. Fortunately, there are such people: this is me, my friends whom I chose precisely according to this principle - these are people who like me, my feelings, thoughts, my behavior. I like me - I’m real.”
How would your life be different if you thought this way? Think slowly and try to imagine all this. In the smallest detail.
These four steps are the first stage on the path to freedom from social anxiety.
“Perhaps these steps, just by reading them, cause some changes in your soul. Perhaps some lines offended, outraged or disappointed you. This is fine.
Try to follow these instructions no matter what. Take your time. It’s normal if you don’t succeed right away and not everything works out. At the same time, you can use special literature, for example, a workbook on self-medication of anxiety.
In the end, you can always turn to a psychologist or psychotherapist. You are not alone in your problem. “You will succeed,” concluded Yagdar Turekhanov.
Original article: https://www.nur.kz/health/medical-conditions/1900045-sociofobia-posagovaa-instrukcia-po-samoisceleniu-ot-psihoterapevta/
Why face fear: therapy for social phobics
Social phobia is a chronic disease with a high risk of relapse. A Harvard University study confirms that it is also one of the most persistent mental disorders.
Scientists observed for 12 years how anxiety and affective disorders developed in 711 patients. At the start of the study, participants had remained diagnosed for an average of 19 years. Without treatment, 37% of participants recovered from social phobia during the experiment—this was the lowest rate among other mental illnesses studied. For comparison, generalized anxiety disorder went away on its own in 58% of participants, major depressive disorder in 75%, and panic disorder in 82%. However, with regular and long-term help, social phobia is highly treatable.
The disorder is based on a lack of social support and experience, and this cannot be compensated for with drugs alone.
At the same time, any psychotherapeutic practices are very effective: when a person discusses with a specialist for a long time what is bothering him, he feels better.
The task of a psychotherapist in the treatment of social phobia is to help the patient correct their dysfunctional thinking styles and irrational attitudes (for example, that failures in communication are inevitable) and learn to cope with traumatic situations. Due to this, a person should regain his self-esteem and develop the correct attitude towards the reactions of others. As a result, he will also get rid of the physiological manifestations of social phobia.
One of the most effective methods of treating social phobia is the cognitive-behavioral approach. This is the name given to a group of psychotherapy methods that are designed to change a person’s thoughts and/or behavior. It is believed that maladaptive behavior is often associated with a way of thinking and, if you change your thinking, you can influence problematic reactions.
