How to overcome the fear of meeting girls

The fear of dating gets too much attention, an order of magnitude more than it deserves. This is the case when the elephant is really blown out of proportion, and when tested, the problem turns out to be so trivial that you involuntarily smile. What is fear anyway? This is a natural psychological barrier that prevents you from going beyond the point of critical danger. A person will not swim into the middle of a river during a strong current, will not jump into a fire, will not walk along the edge of a roof, because fear warns him - “you may die.” When it comes to personal relationships, every second man and young guy experiences this feeling. How to overcome the fear of meeting girls?

Fear not only signals mortal risk, it warns of the possibility of physical harm or losing something important. You won't die if a dog bites you, but the fear of pain makes you wary. In any case, the only function of fear is to prevent a person from endangering himself. What danger are you exposed to when you are going to meet a woman?

To overcome your fear of meeting girls, understand that it is unfounded and objectively does not exist outside of your head.

Dating is a rare type of win-win lottery: you can win an acquaintance, a friend, a lover or the love of your life. In the worst case scenario, you will gain a few minutes of pleasant time. But you cannot lose in this lottery, because even if you are rejected, you can simply try the next ticket and do so until the main prize is in your hands. The offer is so profitable that no one would ever refuse it if it were a real lottery with tickets and drawing of material prizes.

Types of fear of dating:

fear of being rejected;
fear of appearing stupid or funny;
fear of not satisfying a woman (not living up to expectations);
fear of relationships.

Like yourself

Self-criticism is the engine of personal progress and a litmus test of your readiness to take a step towards a relationship. If your fear concerns you:

do not meet the average girl’s idea of a suitable life partner or sexual partner;
you cannot or are not ready to give the girl what a serious relationship will require of you;
You won’t be able to withstand the competition of other men.

Ask the question, what is wrong with you and what can you do about it? It is better to answer on paper in the form of a list. This will be your personal list of changes, each item of which you will methodically carry out until you begin to like yourself. Having trouble making a list? Contact trusted friends with a direct question - what should I change about myself? Don't get mad at them for answering honestly, add everything you hear to the list. You'll get something like:

I smoke;
I live with my mother;
I earn little;
I dance badly;
I don't know how to dress.

We divide the list into three types of tasks:

Urgent. I'm quitting smoking from today.
Medium term. Until the end of the quarter I study at a dance studio, studying fashion and style.
Long-term. The next six months - find a new job, move into a rented apartment or take out a mortgage by the end of the year.

How to continue dating5

When the first stage is completed, a wave of panic rolls in before the second run. This is normal, because getting to know each other is actually much easier. The first date is much scarier! Of course, this is a topic for another conversation, because there are no less pitfalls here, but for the future you should know that:

The first date should take place no earlier than in a couple of days. All this time, messengers will help you. They will allow you to maintain contact and clarify your tastes and wishes a little.
You can’t drag a girl to a super-duper restaurant, otherwise, having raised the bar, you may not be able to drag her in the future. Ice cream and coffee are enough for a first date. And remember, we are not in Europe, you pay for everything! Even if she is a tenth generation feminist and prefers to pay herself, you must insist on paying yourself. At least on the grounds that you are a man.
Don't forget about the flowers. But don't buy a huge broom. You won’t surprise anyone with this, but it’s a little hard to carry it around with you. A modest but elegant flower, one is enough for a first date,

Be sure to accompany me home. Firstly, it ensures security, secondly, you can find out where madam lives, thirdly, this is a mandatory attribute of a date,
Think carefully about the topic of conversation. There is no need to rub in “I’ll give you a star,” girls are already born with the sound of a frying pan being cleaned. And there is no need to burden her with memories of her adventures: she doesn’t give a damn about when, where and with whom she hung around. It's better to talk about neutral topics. And don’t do a survey, you’re not at an interview. Watch your speech carefully. It should not kill with floridity, pomposity, monotony and argot, that is, jargon. Simple and tasteful. And yes, hold your humor. You are not at Zadornov's concert.
If the girl is working on the day of the date, then you should meet her. But, by agreement: suddenly she is a crane operator at a factory. She needs time to get herself in order.

Practice

Psychological states like fear are irrational and nest deep in the subconscious. You do not choose whether to be afraid or not; accordingly, even understanding the meaninglessness of fear on a conscious level will not protect you from its influence. For example, it is impossible to stop being afraid of water while remaining on land - everyone who knows how to swim knows this. Sooner or later you will have to jump, only then will the power of the phobia be shaken, and subsequent attempts will make it possible to completely eliminate it.

The first attempt to overcome fear will be difficult only if you doubt and decide for a long time. By analogy with water, this is the difference between a jump and a slow dive: the latter gives you time to change your mind, while the former does not imply a way back at all.

The small but legible “handwriting” of Cenophobia

For contact emancipation among others like oneself, certain individual traits are necessary. Unlike personality traits, they, along with other character traits we acquire, are not basic. This is precisely the development of our qualities that occurs as a result of some kind of psychological hardening.

Any teenager is constantly at the epicenter of the causes of his own experiences. Not necessarily tragic, or leading to nervous disorders. No, these experiences are rather akin to constant analysis of the manifestations of the external social environment.

The more insecure the individual is, the greater the amplitude of such self-analysis. By the way, age-related characteristics of personality development add their own “test” for “sculpting” worldviews. Therefore, it is better to stop the critical problems of kainophobia in youth.

Learn materiel

Acting and public speaking teachers, pickup artists, psychologists and business coaches know how to increase self-confidence. Courses dedicated to any of these areas offer working approaches and techniques for overcoming doubts and complexes. Choose what you like and practice under the supervision of a pro. Many pickup courses offer dating practice under the guidance of a coach, who, right in the process, gives you instructions on a hidden connection, while remaining invisible to the girl. If you are a young Don Juan, your choice is courses for developing the creativity of schoolchildren.

The creative direction allows you to study the psychological aspects of people's behavior using classical literary examples. In the theater, much attention is paid to the analysis and analysis of the role, and the actor first of all learns to deeply understand the character.

Educational program on hypnosis

Ready to dial, stop. State your request clearly. Please first look at the articles on hypnosis in order to have a clear understanding of the phenomenon and perhaps dispel fears and myths:

❂ What is hypnotherapy? About small demons of the human psyche.❂ Myths and facts about hypnosis. Rules for exploiting the subconscious. ❂ What is hypnosis from a scientific point of view and without buzzwords? ❂ Social phobia: little things in life. Reviews. ❂ How to forgive a person when you cannot forgive him? ❂ About psychosomatics. Lecture at the Psychological Institute of the Russian Academy of Education. ❂ Hypnosis myths and facts. Lecture at the First Moscow State Medical University named after. I. M. Sechenov. ❂ Lecture on hypnosis at the All-Russian Professional Psychotherapeutic League. ❂ Lecture on hypnosis and hypnotherapy at the Russian State University for the Humanities. ❂ Group VK “Treatment of fears and phobias. Hypnosis training" ❂ FB group "Psychosomatics. Treatment of fears and phobias with hypnosis"

Tattoo under hypnosis. Induced anesthesia. Self-hypnosis training.

Hypnosis: a review of the treatment of skin diseases (lichen ruber) with hypnosis.

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Use your imagination

If dating becomes a formulaic procedure for you, a la “hello, how are you, the weather is good,” then the chances of success will be low, and motivation will tend to zero. It’s another matter if you manage to feel the taste and excitement for trying new interesting “chips” to get acquainted with. At first, you can use the original advice of experienced pick-up artists, and later you can come up with ways yourself. Turn this into an unusual hobby, record the results, you can even start a blog and share your findings with subscribers.

This method is interesting because it not only helps to overcome the fear of meeting a girl, but also turns it into the highlight of the activity: a similar feeling is experienced by an extreme sportsman flying down a mountain on a snowboard.

Typical mistakes men make when dating

Sometimes girls don't give you a phone number or refuse a date because the guy isn't behaving correctly. We can highlight the following typical mistakes that men make when dating:

Too many words. When meeting someone, you don’t need to tell everything about yourself; just a couple of phrases that might interest her are enough.
Boasting. I want to create a good first impression about myself, but talking about all my merits and achievements is not very appropriate.
Creating a macho image for yourself. From the outside, unnatural behavior looks very stupid and evokes nothing but laughter or pity.
An abundance of compliments, rude flattery. The girl may also be unsure of herself. Praising her too loudly can scare her or even offend her.
Alcohol for courage. In a state of intoxication (even a slight one), you can talk and allow yourself too much; few decent girls will like this.

When meeting people, you need to behave naturally. If there is excitement, you can talk about it. This captivates girls, because everyone faces fear.

You can overcome the fear of approaching a girl and start getting acquainted only with practice. You can't learn to swim by standing on the sand. You need to communicate more often with girls you already know, then the tension will go away.

It is important to get rid of the fear of rejection. It should not be perceived as a personal defeat, but only as a useful experience.

Choose the right environment, place and time

For those who still want to reduce stress to a minimum and still get results, there is the most painless way. To do this, you should be in an advantageous position relative to the girl. How is this possible:

Official position. It is always easier for a boss to talk to his subordinates than to other women, because psychologically he feels more solid ground under his feet. At the moment of meeting relatively equal people, solid ground is the prerogative of the girl, since she decides whether to continue communication or not.
Meeting at your location. The territory is not only personal apartments, but also a well-known familiar space (park, street, restaurant, office, etc.). Being “at ease”, you avoid additional stress from the unknown and novelty, and your companion, on the contrary, is exposed to it. In such a situation, just start taking care of her so that she can feel “at home”. It's easy for you and valuable for her.
Meeting under a convenient pretext for you. If you have never done any home renovations in your life, but responded to a girl’s request to re-wallpaper her room, this is a bad decision. By doing something that is not very difficult, but unfamiliar, you will look clumsy, work for a long time and raise serious doubts about your competence. It’s another thing to come to do a job that you are a master at, show off your skills and receive your portion of gratitude. Or, as an option, teach the girl something: give a couple of lessons in working with Windows, practice mathematics or play the guitar.

A good actor must have many skills: good memory, emotionality, courage, perseverance, and a professional acting school helps to shape them. Teachers teach students to speak competently and beautifully, develop vocal abilities, and deal with anxiety. Sign up for a trial lesson

What causes kaynophobia: the origins of the problem

Fear of dating almost always takes root in childhood or adolescence. The soil for the emergence of kenophobia is laid in the family. Often parents demand from their children complete obedience, modesty, and politeness bordering on helpfulness. The child is taught that only complete agreement with others can ensure his success in the future. Parents immediately stop the little one’s slightest attempts to demonstrate their point of view and show independence. The result of such upbringing is a shy and indecisive person who is afraid of everything.

Another aspect of upbringing is the excessive demands and strictness of parents. A child is criticized for a tiny offense. He is not allowed to make mistakes. He is simply not allowed to experience life and learn from personal experience. Such parents themselves arrange for their child to meet the “right” children. The child is not allowed to contact those peers who are interesting and attractive to him. As a result, the baby does not develop communication skills. Having matured, a person does not know how to establish contacts in society.

A fear that parents also instill is fear of strangers. Moms and dads put it into their children’s heads that contacts with strangers will definitely result in trouble. He is frightened by the “everywhere” maniacs, rapists, robbers and murderers. They suggest to him that an unfamiliar uncle or aunt will cripple and mutilate him. As a result, such a child is afraid of all phenomena in the world around him, which in his understanding is nothing more than a source of threat.

The cause of kainophobia in men is a pathological fear of women, which arose due to matriarchal upbringing . This phenomenon often occurs when a boy is raised by one mother. It is from the mother that all rewards and punishments come. Children and teenagers experience first-hand the dictatorship of their mother, who rules the family. Over time, the child develops a kind of dependence on the authoritarian mother. Having matured, such a boy projects unconscious fear onto all female representatives.

Another reason for kenophobia is a person’s belief that he lacks any virtues that might be attractive to the opposite sex. Such a subject is sure that he cannot interest a new acquaintance. He is convinced that his proposals will be rejected. This denial of one’s own uniqueness and worth is also the result of a problematic period of growing up.

Kaynophobia can also be caused by negative personal experiences. Of course, fear of dating is a natural consequence of experiencing physical or sexual violence. Also, fear of dating occurs if a person has had a negative dating experience. More precisely, when the subject interpreted the current circumstances as tragic irreparable events. For example, when, when meeting new people, a person became the object of ridicule or criticism. Or unfair reproaches and groundless accusations were directed at him. The suspicious individual took the words of those around him very painfully and focused his attention on the phrases he heard.