A step towards wisdom, or how to survive the crisis of 30 years for women?

Before we analyze the very essence of the issue of the crisis of early maturity, that is, 30-35 years old, let’s first figure out what kind of young people they are who are now exactly at this age.

They were born around the end of the 80s of the last century.
What makes these young people special? Firstly, the fact that their childhood and adolescence occurred during a very difficult period in the history of our country: perestroika, shortages, the collapse of the USSR (by the way, according to official statistics, the peak of suicides occurred in 1991), 1993, August 1998. Someone managed to be an “October” by going to school! The period of late childhood and adolescence was marked by “coupons”, “empty shelves”, a sharp “change of course”, delays in parents’ salaries for several months, VCRs with their second-rate action films, set-top boxes.

Most people became acquainted with mobile phones and the Internet after graduating from school. In addition, the teenage period (up to 15 years) was overshadowed by the “hard” drugs pouring into all courtyards and gateways.

Dashing 90s

“The Wild 90s” is what people call the time during which the personal development of today’s young people who entered early adulthood took place. Racketeering, fierce competition, banditry, gangs, the war in Chechnya, terrorist attacks, the country was shaken by internal political intrigues of the active infusion of Western culture into the still unprepared worldview of adults. The older generation, who was young, young or already mature at that time, remembers how the lives of hundreds of thousands of families changed, and often remember this period with a shudder.

For children of that time, the world of adults was not only terrible, but rather familiar. Today's thirty-year-olds lived in that changing world, grew up, studied, made friends, loved, built relationships, while most of their parents asked completely different questions, for example: “How to survive?”, “How to protect your child from drugs?”

When talking with those who are now 30-35, you learn that most had street friends and acquaintances, classmates, neighbors, just acquaintances who began to use “hard” drugs, died from an overdose, committed suicide, went to prison for crimes, which were also drug related.

It can be concluded

We can conclude that modern young men and women aged 30-35 carry with them a certain baggage that can leave an imprint not only on behavior and self-identification, but also on the generation as a whole.

When does it occur and how long does it last?

It is impossible to say with 100% accuracy exactly when the crisis period will begin and how long it will last.
Like the severity of symptoms, these indicators largely depend on the character of the woman herself. The crisis may begin a couple of years earlier or a couple of years later . It lasts on average from 2 to 4 years.

But if a woman is not ready to spend so much time feeling sorry for herself and thinking about the current situation, and is also ready to act, this period will end much earlier.

As you know, women are more emotional than men. They also cope with psychological problems faster. Therefore, their crisis often passes less brightly.

Do family problems always signal a midlife crisis?

As you know, where it is thin, it breaks. If, for example, the family has already fulfilled its role - the children have grown up, the spouses are more like friends - the emotional relationship between them may weaken, which may lead to a desire to have an outside relationship.

Does this refer to a midlife crisis? The question is controversial. It happens that people met, got married, realized everything they had planned within the family, and then there is a feeling that something is missing. And an attempt may be made to create another family. However, unless we know for sure how people met and why they got married, it is not at all prudent to link their separation to a midlife crisis. It happens that the relationship between people is such that divorce is the logical conclusion of their relationship.

The essence and its reasons

To put it in simple words, the crisis of 30 years is the loss of the meaning of life . The woman looks back and realizes that part of her life, her youth, has passed, and she did not take advantage of the opportunities given to her. In fact, the years were wasted. And there are still so many years ahead that I really don’t want to live in the same way.

It also happens that a woman, on the contrary, has already achieved a lot, built a career, got married, and gave birth to children. And it seems like there is nowhere to go. And then the question arises: what next?

In both cases, a feeling of dissatisfaction, internal devastation, and apathy appears. Depression develops.

Psychologists have identified several reasons that, to one degree or another, contribute to the onset of a crisis period:

1. Difficulties in personal life . Women who have not started a family by the age of 30 often experience severe stress because of this. Especially if they are surrounded by friends who have been happily married for a long time. However, you should not think that married ladies are not susceptible to crisis. Everyday difficulties and fatigue lead to disappointment and, as a result, deterioration of relations with the spouse.
2. Aging . No, of course, thirty-year-old women do not turn into experienced old women. But the first signs of aging still appear. These are wrinkles, cellulite (for some it may have appeared earlier), sagging skin. For those who become mothers, these signs are often more pronounced.
3. Lack of career . A woman could set herself certain goals in her work years ago. And it’s good if they were achieved. And if not?
4. Comparing yourself with other, more successful women . By the age of 30, most women dream of having more than just a family and a job. I also want to have the opportunity to travel, develop, and make dreams come true. If all this is missing, so-called unconscious shame arises. It intensifies when meeting more successful classmates or childhood friends.

Whatever the reason that provoked the onset of the crisis, it will not be easy for the fair sex.

Should we deal with a midlife crisis?

There is no general correction for everyone, no general recipes. Sometimes they say: the child is in adolescence, he is so intolerable. But what is adolescence? This is a state when a child is no longer a child, but not yet an adult. He begins to intensively produce hormones, his behavior changes, he becomes hot-tempered, eccentric, and does not always understand himself. After some time, he moves into a physically more mature state, and after 20 he is already obliged to behave like an adult, because society begins to demand this.

A midlife crisis is also a condition. And everyone solves the problems associated with this condition in their own way. Someone can solve them on their own. And someone may go deeper into painful thoughts, and then they will need help. There is nothing wrong with this, because everyone goes through this crisis! There is no person who has not gone through this crisis: only for some it is easier, for others it is more difficult, for others it is very difficult. What is this connected with? First of all, with the environment and with the achievements of each individual person. If he has more or less come close to all his dreams and expectations that he had at a young age, in other words, he has realized himself - no matter in the family, children, the business in which he makes a living, or in something else - everything will be much easier to proceed.

Signs

The main “symptom” of the crisis of 30 years is depression. As users of social networks say, they experience despondency and apathy even when they have an apartment, a car, a dream job and a family. But this is just the beginning:

1. Life is “automatic” . Every day is similar to the previous one. Household chores are replaced by work and so on in a circle. No goals or dreams. They have been replaced by tasks that do not bring any pleasure. The woman understands that something needs to be changed, but does not find the strength to do it.
2. Reluctance to do anything . The stereotype imposed by society that 30 years is old age, a milestone after which nothing good can be expected, plays a role here. Accepting this fact as truth, the woman falls into despair, as if she is paralyzed. She understands that there is no particular point in change, and therefore refuses any action completely.
3. Comparison with other people . Representatives of the fair sex tend to compare themselves with friends, neighbors, classmates, etc. The situation is getting worse with the onset of the crisis. Women are increasingly visiting the social media pages of more successful acquaintances or simply strangers. This is followed by disappointment and depression.
4. Impulsivity . Trying to cope with unpleasant emotions, women do some pretty strange things. They radically change their appearance, unexpectedly dyeing their hair, for example, pink. They quit their jobs where they achieved certain career heights. They break off the relationship. But, unfortunately, all this does not help solve internal problems.
5. Dependence on the opinions of surrounding people . The crisis of 30 years is associated with a careful analysis of what happened in the past. Some unpleasant events, psychological traumas, etc. come to light. Trying to work through and survive them, a woman asks a lot of questions. Only she looks for answers to them not from herself or her family and friends, but from complete strangers, for example, users of social networks.
6. Concern with appearance . If it doesn't go out of line, there's no need to worry. Taking care of yourself is normal at any age. But during a crisis, concern about appearance becomes painful. A woman can work out in the gym until she loses consciousness, trying to get rid of cellulite and extra pounds. Every month he goes for rejuvenation and tightening procedures, etc.

Another symptom of the crisis of 30 years in women is insomnia or, conversely, drowsiness during the day. Everything is simple here. Increasing negative emotions and constant worries drive stress, which becomes chronic over time. And this, in turn, provokes sleep problems.

You can add to the list:

• excessive irritability,
• laziness,
• sudden mood swings,
• dissatisfaction with absolutely everything around,
• decreased sexual activity.

What can make your symptoms worse or worse?

The degree of severity of symptoms largely depends on the personality of the woman herself, on her character, temperament and other similar factors.
But that is not all. The crisis will be easier if there is support from family and friends , for example, a spouse or good friends who can be trusted.

It is also easier to cope with if you have a gainful job and enough time to relax.

Symptoms become more pronounced if a woman withdraws into herself. Often, trying to drown out unpleasant emotions, representatives of the fair sex begin to abuse alcohol or, even worse, take drugs. Of course, it doesn't get any easier for them.

What are we even talking about?

Midlife crisis is a collective concept. We are talking about an emotional state associated with a reassessment of life experience in the age range from 30 to 50-60 years, when most of the opportunities that a person dreamed of in childhood and adolescence are missed (or, conversely, realized) and a strong desire for something urgently arises change in your life. Sometimes, instead of a passionate desire for change, depression and apathy sets in.

The midlife crisis is multidimensional and affects a variety of areas of life: personal relationships, life opportunities, professional fulfillment, material wealth. This is also a period of experiencing physical changes: strength decreases, health begins to fail, and there is a feeling that death is just around the corner and life is coming to an end. In other words, the midlife crisis cannot be reduced to separate areas: only work, only family, only sexual relationships, only worries about old age and death - this is all at once.

How to overcome a difficult period?

Psychologists advise following a number of simple recommendations:

1. It is important to convince the inner “I” that the past cannot be returned. There is no point in worrying about what happened or what never happened.
2. Remember your strengths and achievements. To be more convincing, you can write them down on a piece of paper and re-read them from time to time.
3. Think about the goals you would like to achieve, dream. After that, analyze the possibilities and think about how achievable these goals are. Then you can draw up an action plan and begin to implement it in practice.
4. If necessary, seek help from family and friends. Even a simple conversation, the opportunity to talk to someone you can trust, will significantly improve your condition.
5. Stop comparing yourself to others. It is a generally accepted fact that every person is different. Some achieved success earlier, others later. Some women build a career, others build a family. The question is what each of them personally likes and wants.
6. Expand your opportunities by changing jobs. If for some reason this is not possible, find a hobby that will bring you pleasure and distract you from sad thoughts.

Meditation, yoga, and walks in the fresh air will also help you cope with the crisis of your thirties. You can watch motivational films, for example, “Bridget Jones's Diary” or “Brad's Status.” If there is no improvement, and the condition only worsens, you should consult a psychologist.

Is it possible to identify specific symptoms of a midlife crisis?

Often in books and on the Internet you can actually find a list of signs of an ongoing midlife crisis. Among them the following appear most often:

1. anxiety;
2. irritability;
3. mood swings;
4. conflict;
5. the feeling that life is running out and you don’t have time to do something important;
6. feeling of loneliness;
7. loss of vitality;
8. pessimistic views about the future;
9. feeling of futility and others.

However, if you look at these symptoms abstractly and do not comprehend them within the framework of a specific problem, they will not say anything. You can worry about anything, conflicts with the environment are not excluded at any age, we can get irritated with or without reason.

If we take a midlife crisis, it is not only about a set of external manifestations (for example, depression and increased anxiety). It is much more in-depth and is ALWAYS accompanied by:

1) thoughts about the meaning of life and how this life is lived;

2) the feeling that what we have now will remain unchanged - and this is categorically not satisfactory.

A person is suddenly overwhelmed by a feeling of complete lack of prospects, which is aggravated by the fading of physical capabilities.

If we take examples from cinema, this state is perfectly conveyed by the hero of the film “Groundhog Day”, each day of which repeated the previous one. The midlife crisis is conveyed no less vividly in the cartoon “The Simpsons”: Season 25, Episode 4.

However, against this background, men, as a rule, try to change something in their lives: to live better or to live a more vibrant emotional life. This is where the search for new sexual partners begins, affairs on the side, hunting trips, parachute jumping, attempts to change their place of residence and move somewhere, start life from scratch with another family - any attempts to satiate your life and jump out are used. out of this emotional hole. This is how a person tries hard to compensate for what he once did not receive.

Neoplasms

At the end of the crisis period, the woman becomes wiser . She knows exactly what she needs from life and how to achieve it. Moreover, she is ready to support other people facing similar problems.

The personal life of representatives of the fair sex who have survived the crisis is also undergoing a number of changes. Now it will be brighter, creative and rich. At the same time, a woman does not rely on the opinions and advice of others, but solely on her own worldview.

How do most of us cope with a midlife crisis?

Everyone goes through a midlife crisis with different experiences.

You can make a list with two columns: on the right “what I want” and on the left “what I got.” Match these columns. If the lists on the right and left are approximately the same, then the midlife crisis will be felt very weakly.

When a person has many embodied things behind him, then the feeling of achievement, the feeling of his own usefulness will warm and support him very well, as a result of which he will be able to continue making plans and setting goals, taking into account his current physical and life capabilities.

It’s much more pleasant to plan something when you have a lot of implementation behind you. And it’s harder to plan when much of what was previously planned has not come to fruition: in this case, it is difficult to understand what you are capable of, and chaos arises in your soul.

But as we have already said, a midlife crisis IS NOT a PATHOLOGY. This is a state of mind, an emotional experience associated with what age a person finds himself at, what he can afford next, what he wants to correct, what to get, what to make up for. In other words, this is an assessment of the lived period of life and making plans for the future.

And now this crisis comes. What happens? A person acutely experiences the loss of some opportunities. He is afraid of the prospects that he sees around him or that he has drawn for himself. But at some point these experiences begin to fade. There is an understanding that nothing can be done about it. You should move on with your life. When a person looks around and talks about this topic with someone else, he realizes that he is not the only one who has encountered this. And as a result, it gradually calms down. You have to upset yourself very much about some gloomy prospect in order to worry for a very long time. This condition usually goes away on its own or becomes less severe over time.

There are two most common scenarios:

1. people tried to fix or change something, some worked, some didn’t, then life goes on, and over time their midlife crisis loses its severity;
2. people at a higher level of meaning try to understand themselves, find ways and means of living the rest of their lives more vividly and, as a rule, find a different scenario and learn to enjoy the rest of their lives. When faced with a crisis, they emerge from it stronger and more constructive and find new meaning.

Why shouldn't you ignore manifestations?

If you don’t notice the manifestations of the crisis in time for 30 years, and blame everything on banal fatigue, you can face serious problems. Ignoring visible problems is the first mistake many women make .

The second is associated with a reluctance to help oneself with the help of a specialist or on one’s own. Lack of help entails extremely unpleasant consequences.

Here are some of them:

• eating disorders;
• drowsiness or insomnia;
• decreased libido;
• pain symptom for no apparent reason;
• decrease or, conversely, increase in performance;
• difficulties with adaptation to new circumstances;
• inability to adequately analyze the situation;
• decreased self-esteem;
• infantile behavior.

Also, many women simply distance themselves from reality, retreating into dreams and fantasies. They deny everything that is happening to them and do not take all the negative manifestations of the crisis seriously.

Does everyone face the fear of death during a midlife crisis?

During a midlife crisis, a person is overcome by the fear of death. This is the revival of childhood fear. As children, we become aware of our mortality and worry that we will die at a very early age—usually before age 7. Then we forget about it. But when we notice that the body is aging, this fear begins to revive.

The fear of death at the stage of a midlife crisis, one way or another, is connected with how satisfied we are with life now and how rich it is. These are interconnected things. A person who lives a vibrant life, from which he receives moral satisfaction, as a rule, does not think about death. If a person is overcome by such gloomy thoughts, then either he is seriously ill, or his life does not suit him at all.