Dad died, how to survive the death of dad
The death of a loved one unsettles you. If under normal conditions a person copes relatively well with controlling feelings, then the death of a beloved relative interferes with this. The level of pain is so great that all sensations are heightened. Feelings can be compared to exposed wires, when the slightest touch intensifies emotions. A person turns out to be unprepared for this: difficult scenes unfold around him (farewell to the deceased, a coffin, a wake), in addition, one must also try to understand what is happening in one’s own soul.
Psychologists have identified several stages of grief that will help you understand your feelings in order to live them correctly:
1 DENIAL, SHOCK: having heard the news, a person does not believe in what is happening, cannot accept what happened, when he closes himself off from information, this is a way of protecting himself from pain, so one should not try to convey the terrible news of death by any means, because forced overcoming of such a barrier can end in failure (stress, mental disorders, severe depression, suicide);
2 ANGER, RESULT – negative feelings also need to be experienced, often they help to accept pain, because negative emotions partially give vent to grief, for this reason others should show understanding, if possible you need to be there, despite aggression, because this feeling comes from pain, and not from true resentment, the grieving person must live out anger towards the deceased himself, for this he can talk to the deceased;
3 BARGAINING WITH THE UNIVERSE, GOD: attempts are made to get what you want in exchange for return (actions, feelings), of course, the result cannot be obtained, the sooner this awareness arises, the faster the person moves to the next stage;
4 DESPAIR is a natural consequence of devastation, loss of hope, at this stage the grieving person can choose one of the paths (depression or continuation of life), often people unconsciously choose the first option, because it does not require struggle, on the contrary, it is enough to just go deeper into their pain , negative feelings, at this stage the support of loved ones is very important, even a silent presence;
5 “RECOVERY”, HUMILITY, THE BEGINNING OF A NEW PATH – the last stage that comes after difficult days of grief, and a person does not always immediately feel relief; usually the beginning of the path lies at the point where the decision is made to let go of pain, difficult emotions, and begin to live on.
Father's death: how to cope with the loss
Children at any age can have a hard time dealing with the death of their parents. But at different times, the reaction to death among those around us is equally illogical. In childhood, it is generally accepted that the child does not understand anything yet and is not capable of feeling deep sorrow, but adult children can cope with their troubles themselves.
In fact, support, and at the same time the help of loved ones, is always required in such cases.
It is necessary to show understanding and make it clear that a person can seek help at any time. But it is impossible to help someone who does not want to get out of a difficult situation. For this reason, the grieving person should also make attempts to alleviate his condition.
Don't rush to throw away sadness
People around them often do not know how to behave around a person who has lost his father. Many people prefer to distance themselves. Seeing this awkwardness, there is a desire to hide your feelings from everyone. But you shouldn’t do this, you need to realize what happened in order to cry and accept the pain. Only by living your feelings can you help yourself get rid of a difficult emotional state. Grieving is a natural process. At the same time, no one limits the period of grief - each person has his own deadlines.
Remember that the deceased parent would have wanted you to continue living
If dad dies, it’s hard for many people to get over it. The closer the relationship was during life, the more difficult it is to cope with grief. Depression, apathy, and lack of desire to live are a common reaction to a painful situation. Sometimes the support of others is not enough, because they will not be able to fill the emptiness in the soul or replace the deceased. In this case, it is important to remember that dad loved his children/daughter, son. The idea should be fixed in the mind that the father would want a happy life for his child. This will allow you to survive difficult times when depression pushes you to the edge of the abyss.
Keep a deceased parent in memory
A person experiencing severe pain can choose several paths to freedom from it. Different people try to help themselves in their own way: some rush to the center of pain and memory of the deceased, cannot give up the memories, others, on the contrary, go as far as possible from events and things associated with the deceased. The first option is more preferable if you control your moral state, because a person lives through his pain. The second option (refusing the memory of the deceased) postpones this moment, the period of grief is prolonged.
It is necessary to try to preserve in memory the image of the deceased, the joyful events associated with him. Over time, memories with a negative load will be erased on their own. But all good things can also gradually disappear from memory if you do not preserve images, voices, and smells. To do this, you can keep a few things, a photo of your father smiling, and talk more with your loved ones about him.
Pay more attention to yourself
Losing a father is a great grief, especially for a child who had a strong connection, a very close relationship with him. The grieving person may fall out of life for a while, stop leaving the house, communicating with people, and even performing hygiene procedures. This is a reaction to drastic changes in life: there will no longer be an opportunity to see a person, talk, touch. But it is important not to linger at this stage, otherwise it will be more difficult to return to life later.
You should pay a little more attention to yourself every day. At first it will be a matter of minutes - to brush your teeth, then - to take a shower, have a cup of tea/coffee, read the news, and after that you can go outside, return to work, study, or do what you love.
Find out what's causing you to feel sad
When the grieving person returns to life after the loss of the death of his father, the state may remain depressed for a long time. Even if it seems that there are no problems left, the grief has been experienced, the pain has been accepted, there is still something that prevents you from fully enjoying yourself. This may be apathy, frequent fatigue, poor sleep in the absence of external health problems.
In psychology, this relationship has a specific term. We are talking about psychosomatics, when moral depression, resentment, hidden anger affects the physical state. It is necessary to find the cause, analyze what causes negative emotions, and work through the problem yourself through forgiveness or with the help of a specialist.
Don't Focus on the Five Stages of Grief
A person who has experienced a strong shock may clutch at straws in order not to lose touch with reality, not to lose himself during a difficult period. Accepting all feelings can help with this. Experts have identified several stages of grief, which most people go through at different times. But it is important to remember that each person is individual. Someone experiences negative feelings unnoticed, then it seems as if such stages have not been completed. Others go through not only the main, but also secondary stages of grief, so it is important to take into account your character, the feelings that a person lives: resentment, anger, hatred, guilt.
Don't make quick, rash decisions
The loss of a father for a son or daughter is a great grief; it is difficult to live with on your own; you should share this burden with someone close to you. Relatives or friends should, if possible, take on some of the responsibilities. This need is due to the fact that sadness, grief, pain, like other feelings when losing a dad, are not a very suitable basis for making decisions.
In such a state, a person’s mind may become slightly clouded, heavy emotions make it difficult to concentrate on one thing, attentiveness is close to zero, thoughts quickly replace each other, and it is difficult to concentrate. As a result, many wrong decisions will be made.
Don't isolate yourself
Participate in funeral preparations. This is the last opportunity to see your loved one, and maybe to tell him what you didn’t have time to do. You will not be so lonely among people who are experiencing the same grief and suffering with you.
It happens that people are afraid to voice their thoughts. Then a diary will be a good helper. Take any notebook, notepad, album and write about everything that comes to mind in any order and sequence. Write only for yourself. They say that paper can endure a lot, and it's true. This technique will help you leave all the most exciting memories in your diary, and it will be easier for your inner self to return to reality and move on with life.
Keep a diary. Write down all your memories of your loved one - this will make it easier to cope with grief.
Support
Experiences after the death of my father do not allow me to continue to live normally, and in solitude all feelings become aggravated, because there are no distractions that prevent me from feeling them to the fullest. If the grieving person is very weak and cannot cope, he may also die after his father. For this reason, you need to do everything possible to help your loved one get out of a difficult mental state.
Talk to a close friend
The father does not always play a secondary role (it is generally accepted that the mother has a stronger connection with the child). The opposite situation also happens, when the father performs maternal functions to a greater extent. In this case, it will be very difficult for the child to lose it.
At any age, he will need a friend, and this function is not always performed by blood relatives. It happens that the connection with them is not very strong or there is no mutual understanding, then it is necessary to find a person outside the family circle, but close enough to be able to talk about your experiences.
This is especially important for a teenager, because at this age it is more difficult to find understanding from others.
Talk to one of your relatives
Relatives do not always cope with emotions after the death of the father of the family. The child's psyche is especially susceptible to external influences. During this period, it is necessary to find among your loved ones a person who will support, but not condemn, not criticize for the way you experience grief (tears, refusal to leave the house).
See a Psychotherapist
No matter how actively relatives try to support a child who has lost his dad, or an adult who has lost his father, sometimes there comes a time when emotions get out of control. At the same time, a quiet, submissive person turns into an aggressor, and a more active one is in deep apathy. Other signs that allow you to understand that a man or woman whose father has died needs the help of a psychotherapist:
- nightmares at night;
- conversations about suicide;
- suicide attempts;
- fixation on certain thoughts and actions;
- forgetfulness;
- mental disorder.
Read forums dedicated to this issue and talk to people there
Today, quite a lot of information is available in consolidated access, on various topics, including psychology. There are also forums where people from different cities and countries gather to discuss the problem of the loss of a dad or another close relative. You can write asking for support and briefly describe the current situation. On the forums there are those who came for the first time, but there are also experienced ones - those who managed to live like this. They can share secrets about how they managed to survive the death of their beloved dad.
Find Solace in Faith
It will be easier for Orthodox Christians and believers of other faiths to cope with the death of their father. At the same time, a person turns to God, asks him for strength to survive trials, and takes them for granted. It’s more difficult for agnostics and atheists, because they look for the cause of a person’s death in other aspects: the people around them, themselves, the structure of society. It is necessary to visit the temple, light a candle for the repose of a loved one
. You can talk with a clergyman, ask for support and help.
Get a pet
When a person loses his father, but there is no family yet, he will need a living being nearby if the person lives alone. This will allow you to feel warmth and show concern for your neighbor. Giving energy during the period of grief is just as necessary as accepting all the feelings experienced. This will allow the soul to revive after a severe shock.
Communicate
Talk to friends or relatives.
The emotions that we hold back often cause irreversible harm to health and cause serious illnesses. No matter how difficult it is, do not turn away from your friends and acquaintances. Are you encouraged to speak up and share your feelings? Do this even if you don't know the person well. Ask friends or family for help. Don’t close yourself off, talk about your experiences and fears. Ask what to do. Read more: How to talk to your parents?
Support the parent who continues to live near you. Remember that you are not the only one who is having a hard time. Imagine what it's like for mom or dad. Together with the death of a loved one, they lost a part of themselves. Support each other. Go through a difficult period together and start a new life.
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Talk to a psychologist. Don't ignore professional help. No need to be shy. In the end, this may remain your little secret, but talking to a specialist means helping yourself to realize and accept many things. You will be able to ask all the questions you are interested in about death, justice, about everything that worries you.
Back to life
When the period of mourning for the father is officially over, the funeral is long past, in time the sons and daughters must be brought back to life. To do this, you need to change quite a lot of things in your life and perception. Help can be provided both by the people around you and by those grieving themselves.
Change your routine
After the death of dad, life is divided into “before” and “after”. When grief subsides, a person will be able to return to business, but most often this cannot be done under the same conditions. It is necessary to change the environment around, if the children lived with their dad in the same apartment or private house, and at the same time create a new daily routine.
Do things you've always enjoyed
You can try yourself in a new role, try yourself in other activities. This will allow you to fill your life with bright emotions, find a hobby or start a business that the children of a deceased father have long dreamed of. A change of environment, as well as new emotions, will speed up the recovery from a difficult emotional state. But such advice will only help if the grieving process ended naturally, the children of the deceased father accepted all the feelings and lived through the pain.
Quit drinking alcohol for a while
It is often more difficult to stop drinking alcohol amid grief if there is something left unprocessed after the death of the father. This may be guilt for what was said (“I wish my father dead”) or done (quarrel, disrespect). Also the cause is resentment for something the dad did during his lifetime.
Such emotions will slowly destroy a person. You need to understand how to forgive your deceased father, let go of anger, understand that the past is gone.
Keep yourself busy
A lot of free time opens up many opportunities for reflection, reminiscing, and grieving. But endless delving into the source of pain has negative aspects - the consequences are unknown: depression, unwillingness to live, apathy, etc. are possible. If the father has died, it is permissible to experience deep grief, but only at the first stage, when this process drags on for many months, years, this is a sign of depression, a complicated psychological condition. An activity you enjoy speeds up the process of dealing with grief, because it provides a more reliable support than anything else, and also distracts and gives positive emotions.
Do quiet things - this is very important
The state of the nervous system worsens with every stress. When the family cared for the dying father, and then buried him, they tried to survive the grief, their nerves were shaken. Some of your loved ones break down and get easily irritated, others get upset, cry for any reason, others fall into depression, apathy - all these manifestations intensify as soon as an even more significant load is placed on the nervous system. This means that it is important to remain calm when doing any work or communicating with people.
Don't rush yourself
Relief when experiencing intense grief does not come immediately. Moreover, the speed of recovery after the loss of a loved one depends on various factors: relationships with the deceased, cause of death, family ties. This means that you should not rely on standard deadlines, which are often specified by psychologists. When your dad dies, you can grieve, but you don’t need to delve into these feelings without the support of your loved ones, because it will be more difficult to return to life on your own.
Pleasant memories and words are important for the deceased
When a person dies, his soul is on earth for the first time, and then finds itself in another world, but it does not stop watching its loved ones, helping them, and supporting them. The living on earth often commemorate the dead; this could be enough. However, the priest can advise the husband or wife and their children to remember the deceased more often, and not to speak badly about him.
Period of reflection
Understanding of what happened can occur both soon after the funeral and several months after the death of a loved one. You can talk about comprehension at the initial stage or after a long time, years - it all depends on the grieving person. You should not try to speed up or slow down this process, it should develop naturally. As a result, after cremation and burial of the remains, a person realizes that he has lost his dad, although it will take 1-2 years or more.
Continue your father's work
In order to feel close to the deceased, to calm your grieving heart at least for a while, you need to find something to do that was common with him during his lifetime. This could be fishing, professional activity, etc. Deeds for the good of society will allow you to give energy: care, love. Then the memory of the person who died ahead of schedule will be preserved until the contract is broken.
Transforming sadness into art
Many psychologists recommend keeping a diary at a time when your soul is especially difficult. By talking to your diary, you can throw out all your feelings, try to understand your feelings and experiences, realize the loss, learn to live on without a loved one.
Read more: How to adapt a child to kindergarten: advice from a child psychologist
After all, each of us understands that our parents will forever remain in our hearts, and their words and actions will warm us throughout our lives. You can also transform your feelings into creativity: write poetry, draw, sing, etc. A favorite activity really helps to get rid of negative emotions and also develops personality. You should definitely try to distract yourself from sad thoughts in this way, and peace of mind will certainly come for a certain time.
How to write when dad died
If one of your loved ones received the sad news of death earlier (for example, a son or daughter), it is necessary to inform other relatives about this. To do this, consider the following options:
- by telegram - contains a short message;
- email – used only between colleagues, for professional purposes – to express condolences to the boss;
- through SMS messages, various instant messengers, which is the least suitable option, since the text is perceived detachedly;
- by phone - this option is suitable for those who cannot come, there are no other communication options (in remote regions, in case of bad weather).
The message is written using predominantly soft words and phrases with positive connotations. It is advisable to prepare the deceased - to come “from afar”, there is no need to immediately write the cause of death.
Question answer
A year has passed since death, and the pain has not yet gone away, what should I do?
Expert opinion
Lavrova Tatyana
Rehabilitation specialist, psychologist
The duration of grief after the death of dad can be different; it is impossible to predict how a person will behave if a close relative dies. But feeling pain for 1 year is a variant of normal, natural grief. In any case, the intensity of difficult emotions will be lower than at the beginning of the journey. You can forcefully speed up this process: get distracted by a new task, talk with loved ones, your confessor or psychologist.
How to change your attitude towards the situation?
Expert opinion
Nadezhda Dubrovskaya
Practicing psychologist, Master of Psychology RGSU, Moscow
Regardless of what feelings a person experiences, it can be difficult to return to life: when the love for dad remains very strong even after death, if guilt or resentment is felt, you need to understand how to forgive your deceased father. In such a situation, there is only one answer - you need to remember the positive moments more often; there are probably more of them than negative ones. It should be understood that the deceased father, even in the most difficult times, when there was no mutual understanding, wished happiness for his child.
How to release feelings and find peace of mind?
Expert opinion
Lavrova Tatyana
Rehabilitation specialist, psychologist
You should not put off all the feelings that the grieving person experiences. If a feeling arises (pain, resentment, anger, etc.), it cannot be replaced with others, hidden behind entertainment, activities. All emotions must be experienced, only after that will it be possible to find peace of mind.
Should I cry or not?
Expert opinion
Nadezhda Dubrovskaya
Practicing psychologist, Master of Psychology RGSU, Moscow
Society dictates its terms and tells you to run away from difficult emotions. But this is a road to nowhere; relief seems very far away in this case. You need to let go of your feelings, but in moderation. If you have any doubts, you can talk to the priest, after the death of your dad he will answer: “Humble yourself”, when the relatives want to see the deceased, “be patient”, if it seems that you will never see the person again, this is not so, there will be a meeting, but later. Understanding such laws will help you avoid depression, but you can cry if necessary.
Does my father's soul hear me when I talk to him?
Expert opinion
Father Pavel
Clergyman
The soul remains on earth until the third day after death, it sees loved ones and hears them. But the imperishable shell has the opportunity to observe relatives from another world if it is supposed to protect a living person. You can turn to your dad, even though you won’t have the chance to meet him again in this life.
How to live after the death of your father?
Expert opinion
Nadezhda Dubrovskaya
Practicing psychologist, Master of Psychology RGSU, Moscow
The main thing is to remember that after death a loved one still wishes happiness for their child. This thought should support the grieving person. It is necessary to remember dad, keep a few of his things as a memory. You need to communicate with people whenever possible, look for activities you like, this will allow you to take your mind off things. But it is also important to experience pain; at the same time, you can give energy: to help poor, homeless animals. When they do good to those in need, they forget about their pain.
How to cope with the death of your daughter's father?
Expert opinion
Lavrova Tatyana
Rehabilitation specialist, psychologist
You need to give yourself time to grieve. This rule applies to everyone: spouses, parents, children. Time has stopped while pain and other feelings are experienced. You need to seek support from loved ones, because it will be harder to go through difficult times alone, and there is also a risk of falling into depression and apathy.
How to cope with the death of your father from coronavirus?
Expert opinion
Lavrova Tatyana
Rehabilitation specialist, psychologist
A person who has lost his father experiences greater grief than someone who was left without a father who died from a long illness. When infected with the virus, death can be sudden, and relatives will not have time to say goodbye to their loved ones. In addition, the situation in the world leaves its mark, as well as the high risk of infection for healthy people, the inability to care for the sick and conduct a funeral service.
My husband’s father died, how can I support him?
Expert opinion
Nadezhda Dubrovskaya
Practicing psychologist, Master of Psychology RGSU, Moscow
The wife must show wisdom. You should not try to entertain the grieving person, force him to go to work to change the environment, especially if he does not like it. You need to give the person what he needs now: silence, silence, but you can stay close if your husband doesn’t mind; you can talk about the deceased or on an abstract topic. You should walk more, it is also useful to find something you like, a hobby.
How to help a child cope with the death of his father?
Expert opinion
Nadezhda Dubrovskaya
Practicing psychologist, Master of Psychology RGSU, Moscow
Children at a young age may not know what death is. The first thing you need to do is talk to the child, answer questions that may interest him: about death, the journey of the soul, the place where dad went. You cannot hush up feelings; you need to remember the deceased more often in order to preserve his memory.
How to survive your father's funeral?
Expert opinion
Lavrova Tatyana
Rehabilitation specialist, psychologist
You need to give yourself the opportunity to grieve at the coffin, the grave of your father. But there must be someone close to you to support and take responsibility for organizing the funeral. Often the silent presence of a loved one is enough, rather than a large number of cliched phrases that are usually uttered when expressing condolences.
How can a teenager cope with the death of his father?
Expert opinion
Nadezhda Dubrovskaya
Practicing psychologist, Master of Psychology RGSU, Moscow
Parents need to pay even more attention to their child than usual. It is important to answer questions that arise. If a teenager does not have close relationships with anyone in the family, it is important to seek support from the school: a teacher, a psychologist. Parents should set an example of how to cope with grief: you can cry, be left alone if you don’t want to talk, and you also need to share the feelings that arise and memories of your father.
After dad died, mom became unbearable
Expert opinion
Nadezhda Dubrovskaya
Practicing psychologist, Master of Psychology RGSU, Moscow
People may want to change, but they may not be able to do so. This often happens after the death of a loved one. A lot of difficult feelings come over a person, he cannot cope, which results in waves of aggression, irritation, and intolerance. This is the result of unlived feelings, when the mother refuses to accept the pain and is afraid of its magnitude.
How to survive the death of a father in Orthodoxy?
Expert opinion
Father Pavel
Clergyman
According to the canons of the Orthodox religion, a person needs to accept difficult trials, since they are often given to overcome the imperfections of the soul, as retribution for sins. In any case, you cannot blaspheme God, you need to accept what happened and pray about it. You should go to church more often, here the pain dulls, the need arises to cry, to talk about your feelings. This can be done by contacting a clergyman, having a conversation, asking questions.
How to cope with the death of your father from cancer?
Expert opinion
Lavrova Tatyana
Rehabilitation specialist, psychologist
When a person is sick for a long time, relatives still do not have time to prepare for his death or accept it. Psychologist Mikhail Labkovsky advises not to rush to get out of the state of grief. You need to give yourself time, you should not speed up the natural process. When a person accepts pain and experiences other feelings, he must remember that it is not his fault. Moreover, the body is mortal, it is impossible to stop its destruction.
Talking about your pain is the best solution
In this case, no matter how hard it is to do, it is best to talk it out to a loved one. In the family circle, share your pain, cry, shout, share the misfortune with your loved ones. In this way, there is a certain understanding of what is happening, moral cleansing and the release of emotional negativity.
It is important to understand that when a person talks about his pain, it is sure to dull it. Naturally, children never forget their parents, and the memory of them always lives in their hearts and souls. However, it is important to learn to live on, having managed to overcome the loss, so as not to derail your own life.
First person stories
My husband died, my child was left without a father. He was 7 years old, a fairly grown-up son, but at the same time still so small. I told him to cry if he wanted, to talk to me when the need arises. And I also showed by example how I cope: I cried, but I could smile when I saw something sweet and beautiful. Yulia Menshova once said the same thing: you can grieve greatly in your soul, but outwardly remain relatively calm.
Alina Kuraeva
Zhanna Rybina
When the guy’s father died, I was there: I did household chores, because he couldn’t, and I helped at the funeral. We talked little, but stayed close and spent a lot of time together. I saw that this made my young man feel better.
After the death of her husband, she told her son that your daddy sees you from heaven and will not leave you, even if we can no longer see him among the living. The child took these words as an adult, I saw that he latched on to this thought, believed in it so that no one could take this faith away from him. And I myself also felt the presence of my husband, as if he had never left, but was still with us.
Svetlana Zhabina
How to survive the death of your daughter's father, advice from a psychologist
Khalzanova Svetlana Borisovna
Practical psychologist
Parents need to remain calm so as not to frighten the child. The father is very important for a girl, so you should be attentive to her feelings: - tell what happened (without details, understandable to the child), answer questions as honestly as possible; - you can cry together, but you should not throw a tantrum with uncontrolled expression of emotions and tears; - you can go somewhere together more often, do what your daughter likes, go for walks, but you don’t need to constantly overwhelm her feelings with entertainment.
How to survive the death of your beloved dad - advice from a priest
Father Vladimir
Clergyman
The first piece of advice is to give yourself time to process the grief, and a few weeks or months is not enough. For a believer, questions of death are not common. The pain becomes unbearable for a person with weak religious foundations. He can concentrate on the accompanying negative feelings: resentment, anger. This is wrong, such behavior leads away from true faith, because the one who is offended, like the one who is offended, carries within himself a particle of God, which means that denial of any person is a sinful act. We need to be more tolerant towards the dead, including. They cannot answer, but they hear, and therefore they should talk more with the soul of the deceased, pray for it.
Active recreation allows you to temporarily escape
During periods of sadness and prolonged depression, it is recommended to rest more often. The ideal option for a teenager is to spend the holidays in a place where he has long wanted to visit in order to change the scenery and also recharge himself with positivity. It is necessary to spend time in the fresh air, because alone with nature, every person feels cheerful and peaceful.
After a “collision” with the death of a parent, it is important for a child to listen to his health and mental state. It is required to fight with all our might against aggression and deep sadness in order to avoid prolonged depression and not fall into despair.
It is difficult to comprehend the loss of a loved one, but only by understanding what happened can you accept the present and believe in the future. Despite the burning pain inside, it is important to continue to live for yourself and your deceased dad (mom). Remember that your every achievement would certainly please your parents, which means there are always goals to strive for.
