Is it worth getting divorced: first, measure seven times, then cut once

Deciding to divorce your husband is always difficult - perhaps it is even more difficult than deciding to get married. Until the very end, we are tormented by doubts and uncertainty about the correctness of the chosen decision. How do you know if divorce is the only option for your family? Is this easy from a legal point of view? You will find answers to these and other questions in the article.

My history

My first marriage was a mistake. We were a dancing couple, falling in love, unplanned pregnancy, registry office. The usual story. We were connected only by dancing, and after the birth of the child we had to forget about them completely. But I believed that our boat of love should stay afloat no matter what.

The marriage lasted five years, during which I periodically thought about divorce. Sometimes out loud. But determination was lacking. Largely because outwardly everything was normal: we almost didn’t quarrel, we weren’t in poverty, our lifestyle stabilized over the years, the child was growing up. But there was nothing in common either.

I'm lucky. I met the man of my dreams and over time I realized that if I wanted to be with someone, it was only with him. But if it doesn’t work out, then I can no longer live in an empty relationship. Even if we had not met, I would still have come to the same decision, but later. There were calls.

Legal side of the issue

Is divorce inevitable? Be prepared for the fact that the divorce procedure may take a long time. Divorce will be easy if good relations remain, there is nothing to divide.

If there are children, only the court will divorce. Is the property divided without outside help? The court must determine the procedure for communication with the child and the issue of child support.

Have you come to a conclusion that is contrary to the family code? To avoid misunderstandings later, the court will record the agreement.

Divorces are conventionally divided into groups

:

• The couple has no claims on their acquired property and has no children.
• There are children, but there are no mutual claims.
• The couple cannot come to a mutual agreement.

We stopped talking to each other

At first we chatted a lot: where you studied, what you do, how you look at the world, who your parents and friends are, what music you listen to, what books you read, what films you prefer to watch. At the dating stage, there is always something to talk about.

But over time, the topics exhausted themselves. It became clear to both that there was nothing to discuss. Just like in the movie “What Men Talk About,” when Camille reads a text message from his wife: “Toilet paper. Bread. Milk".

Sometimes the conversation turned to views on life values. And here another problem arose. My husband is five years younger than me, and I turned out to be too experienced a partner for him in almost all areas of life. As a result, there was no dialogue - it was more like consultations. My husband was a smart and grateful listener, but I was getting more and more bored.

Conclusion

Communication is the main component of any relationship.

Most of the time you communicate. And it should be enjoyable for both of them.

If your partner looks into your mouth, and you spend your life raising children, over time you may get tired of it. If you are always in the position of an obedient student, someday you will want independence.

Communication should be mutually enriching. You should have a similar cultural background that you can build on together. When one person constantly drags the other one along, or when people go their separate ways, vital chatter gradually disappears.

Signs of stress and phases of anxiety after divorce

Psychologists warn about the following signs of stress after a divorce:

1. constant absent-mindedness;
2. apathy;
3. craving for alcohol;
4. manifestations of aggression and anger;
5. headaches and constant feeling of fatigue.

According to psychologists, a woman or man experiencing depression after a divorce sequentially goes through the following stages:

• Shock – a person becomes emotionally unresponsive, feelings and emotions become dull; This is the body's protective reaction to shock, which can last for up to two months.
• Resentment - when the shock passes, anger at the partner who unfairly trampled on the best feelings comes to the fore.
• Depression – a person loses interest in life, which can continue for another one and a half to two months.
• Return to normal perception of the world - after sequentially passing through the listed stages, a woman or man returns to an adequate reaction to the environment.

Psychologists recommend that relatives and friends help in this situation in order to minimize the period of resentment and depression, returning the person to normal life.

We tried to be away from home more

We spent most of our time apart, but somehow we didn’t want to be together. It was normal for my husband to come after 9-10 pm. I fell asleep calmly when I put the baby to bed. We could barely meet until the weekend.

Everyone also spent Saturday and Sunday in their own way. I walked with my son and tried to meet with friends. My husband spent time on his laptop: studying, working, movies, games.

I used to tug at him and ask him to spend time with me. He reluctantly agreed. Then I left him alone. I myself felt more comfortable this way.

My husband took up a hobby - archery. I became interested in pole acrobatics. As a result, we scored ourselves five evenings a week of separate leisure time.

The next distance was vacation. Everyone rested on their own and considered this the norm. We convinced others that it was easier and cheaper. That's true, but we wanted to travel without each other.

Conclusion

When the atmosphere in the house is depressing, you subconsciously look for an opportunity to be there as little as possible.

Go to work earlier, stay late, respond to any offers to meet with friends, come up with a hobby that takes up all your free time. Your spouse silently supports your absence. You leave when everyone is still sleeping, come back and everyone is already asleep.

The problem is not in the mode itself. The problem is that both of you are okay with it.

Crises in marriage are inevitable

Crises occur at different periods in a family's life. They are usually accompanied by situations that require an unusual solution to be found. Virginia Satir, one of the founders of family psychotherapy, identified several difficult stages of life in marriage:

• first year, distribution of responsibilities;
• birth of the first child;
• the child went to kindergarten, school, puberty;
• “pulling the blanket” of children for parental attention;
• middle age crisis;
• children leaving for independent life;
• decreased sexual desire in the husband;
• menopause in a woman;
• mastering new roles with grandchildren.

Every crisis has its own difficulties and ways to overcome them. Difficulties are inevitable. Psychologists Justitskis and Eidemiller identified turning points caused by unfavorable events in family life:

• household and housing problems;
• illness of a family member;
• change in the social status of one of the couple;
• material crisis;
• infidelity;
• violence;
• quarrels with others;
• increased load;
• adoption, guardianship.

Sex became less and less frequent

During pregnancy and especially after childbirth, my sexual appetites diminished to zero. This is largely due to how my life changed; there was no time for love. But then, when everything stabilized, I realized that I did not feel attracted to my husband. And it wasn't about him.

He was a good lover and knew exactly where and how to stroke me to make me tremble with delight. His sexual impulses always let me know that I was desired.

But I still felt that I did not experience emotional intimacy, so I often refused him, citing fatigue and getting up early. The amount of sex dropped to once a month. I perceived it as a marital duty and in 9 cases out of 10 I tried to end it as quickly as possible. It was nice, but unnecessary.

Conclusion

In a healthy relationship, the quantity and quality of sex suits both. There are couples for whom intimacy once a month is enough, but for some, six times a day is not enough. But if you constantly send your partner with the words “I want to sleep, let’s not tonight,” something is going wrong.

Lost time

Before breaking up, many women have thoughts that stop her from taking a decisive step and seem at least strange to others.

In a conversation with their girlfriends, they say in frustration that they spent the best years of their lives on a scoundrel. Firstly, young ladies say this out of resentment towards themselves. After all, they were the ones who once made the wrong decision. But as we know, there are no perfect people, everyone can make mistakes. There is no need to shed bitter tears over missed opportunities; what happened, happened. Take the test and find out what your chances are of getting your husband back

We stopped being interested in each other

With a generally caring attitude, I stopped immersing myself in my husband’s life; it no longer interested me.

One day my husband got sick and went to the hospital; he had to have an operation. I visited him only twice during my 14 days in the hospital. For the first time I brought documents, things and food. The second time I came after the operation. When he asked if I would come again, I was sincerely perplexed: “Do you need to bring something? What should I do there, hold your hand? I have a lot of things to do, I can’t.”

It's a shame. And I was offended when I returned from the traffic police exam with a driver’s license after 10 hours of stress, and my husband only said: “Cool, well done. Will you pick up your child from kindergarten tomorrow?”

Conclusion

Lack of immersion in the life of a partner, support, warmth is not revenge, but banal indifference, for which one cannot be blamed.

Feelings are either there or they are not. And they cannot be faked.

Indifference is a sign that the relationship is over, only functions remain: earn money, look after the children, maintain order in the house, cook food. This is not how spouses live, but roommates or bedmates.

We quarreled with anger

My ex-husband and I have non-conflicting characters, so dishes in our house never broke. However, sometimes quarrels arose, and we tried to hurt each other more painfully, to accuse each other of something.

Sometimes the squabbles ended with me talking about divorce. One day my husband really began to pack his things. I cried and ran to the kitchen. I’m sobbing, and thoughts are spinning in my head: “How am I now? So, get up at 7:15, take the child to kindergarten.”

We separated not on that day, but later. But the way we fought and what we were trying to achieve clearly signaled that it was time to separate.

Conclusion

Unhealthy relationships lack caring and acceptance of each other's emotions. We behave coldly and instead of resolving the conflict, we are looking for something else to remember.

Healthy relationships also have arguments. Everyone is different and views the world differently, so disagreements are normal. But in the conflicts of a happy couple there is always a goal to make peace.

What do I want to get out of a quarrel? Sleep separately? No talking for three days? Or do I want to live a happy life with this person? If the latter, then even in righteous anger you will choose your words and try to talk about your feelings.

How to explain the situation to a child

Report the divorce with a clear belief that it is inevitable - after filing the application. Do not go into detail - give as much information as is enough to understand the situation. If the child is an adult, more explanations will be required.

Children under three years of age first evaluate intonation and emotions. The semantic content is still in the background. Parents, having stabilized the internal state, explain the situation to the child. Anxiety is unacceptable - it will be passed on to the child.

Older children need explanations. Children aged 3-6 years often take their parents' separation personally. Explain to the child that the relationship has changed between mom and dad - love for him is just as strong, and he did not influence the divorce, the decision was dictated by other factors.

It is important for both parents to participate in the conversation. Agree on a common position. The marriage relationship is over, but the presence of common children obliges us to build the necessary foundation of mutual respect and friendship. This is important for children. Example: “Dad needs to leave, but you will spend every weekend together,” “Dad will leave, but he will call every day.”

Focus on information that calms your child. Explain that meetings with dad will be regular, as well as communication by phone and Internet. Be truthful, talk about the conditions you are ready to fulfill.

I began to dream about what my life would be like without my husband. And I liked it

If you're feeling afraid about a breakup, imagine that what you're afraid of has already happened. What will you do about it?

This is necessary for the brain to develop an action plan and calm down. Not only will you stop worrying, but you will also understand how to lay down straw in case of misfortune.

I was afraid too. How will I live if I get divorced? I will be left with a child and a million financial difficulties. What will i do? And in 10 minutes my brain drew the following plan:

• Rent out your existing apartment.
• Rent an apartment within walking distance from the kindergarten.
• Transfer all of your child’s classes to kindergarten so as not to have to travel around the city.
• Transfer work to remote mode and collect orders so as not to waste time and money on travel.

I developed an understanding of my actions in case of divorce. Now we need to think about how to approach this. What emotions does the thought-up plan of action evoke? Do you want to live such a life?

If the answer is no, all is not lost. If the answer is “yes,” then congratulations, you will soon get rid of the oppression of unnecessary relationships and become freer and happier.

I suddenly realized that I liked my plan. I will spend more time with my son, without being distracted by my husband and without worrying that they are not communicating much. At that moment our family fell apart.

Conclusion

Try to imagine life after divorce. If you can’t, then you are not yet ready for such a step. If you can, but you don't like it, you don't need a divorce. If you have presented and everything suits you, get a divorce.

How to understand that it’s time to divorce your husband: main signs

Signs that indicate the inevitability of divorce

:

• When you return home from work or a walk, you feel disappointed. It intensifies when it is discovered that the spouse is also at home. You are better off alone, without him. It's time to decide to divorce your husband if you are pleased by his absence from the same territory as you, for example, when he is on a business trip, or in any other absence. The solution is obvious if you feel relief in its absence.
• There are no common topics for conversation. We are not talking about the dizzying feeling that occurs in lovers when it is pleasant to even just be silent. The silence of estranged spouses has a different character, and you understand this. You try to hide behind household chores, surf the Internet, take work home - all this takes priority over communicating with your spouse.
• It's time to decide to divorce your husband if you don't know what's going on in his life and don't have much interest in it. The spouse shared with you all the details of the work, now you know about them in passing. He doesn't start a conversation, and you're okay with that.
• Sex is a rare guest in your marriage. In the first months of marriage, almost every conflict ended with a kiss and intimacy. Now such a development of events is impossible - resentment and misunderstanding are stronger than desire. Now the bed remains primarily a place to sleep. Or you started sleeping separately (this point in itself is not scary if there are no other “symptoms” that it’s time to decide to divorce your husband).
• One of the parties is having an affair. If this happens, you must immediately decide to divorce your husband. Do not justify the continued existence of marriage by children, long years of marriage, or familiar life. Relationships have become artificial, fragile, humiliating. Couples who delay divorce when cheating usually inevitably break up, regretting the lost time.
• Coarseness. If there is physical violence, you need to leave immediately, without hesitation. Psychological and financial violence is also difficult to bear. Does your husband insult your appearance and intellectual capabilities? It is impossible to be happy at the same time. Financial violence can include the demand for a detailed report if you bought bread for 2 rubles more than usual, and other absurd situations related to finances that cause you anxiety.
• No time for jokes. Even the most serious relationships will quickly become boring if there is no healthy humor in them. You are annoyed by your husband's jokes, he ignores yours, or you have stopped joking altogether - your marriage is in danger.

Is it possible to save a problematic relationship?

You can save a relationship if both want it. But their dream is not to save the family, but to stay with their partner. Saving your family is about decency in the eyes of others and an abstract sense of duty. And the desire to be with a loved one is about a personal, conscious choice.

It happens that people simply do not know how to communicate and live together without destroying each other. Some have a hot temperament, others have problems with self-esteem. If you both feel bad, but without each other it’s even worse, then the problem is not in the choice of a partner, but in the quality of communication.

Read books on relationship psychology

"The Paradox of Passion" by Dean Delis and Cassandra Phillips

A book about imbalance in relationships, when one loves and the other not so much. From it you will learn where love disappears and why this happens, who the strong and weak partners are, and how to resolve conflicts correctly.

The book will be useful for weak partners who feel dependent on their other half and believe that the relationship rests only on them. You will understand why your partner is less and less attracted to you and learn how to become stronger, restore harmony and self-sufficiency.

The book will help the leading people in a couple to figure out what happened in the relationship and where the former love and passion went. You will begin to better understand your partner's motives and learn how to help him become more independent and calm and stop holding you near him.

Buy on Litres.ru

"The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman

A book about different forms of manifestation of love. Some feel love through time spent together, and some through physical care and assistance. For some, small but frequent gifts bring ecstasy. In total, the author identifies five types: time together, help, encouragement, touch and gifts.

Look among them for yourself and your soul mate. You may want to learn to love your partner in the way that pleases him best. The book will be useful to everyone who needs good relationships not only with a loved one, but also with other people.

Buy on Litres.ru

"Games People Play" by Eric Berne

The point of the book is this: people tend to play social games. There are simple stroking games that are known to everyone and accepted in society. For example, I came back from vacation, and you ask how I spent it.

There are more complex and dangerous games - scenarios. A person unconsciously looks for his script and plays it out. They are ingrained in us from childhood and can be good (become a doctor and save lives) and bad (saving the lives of others, not remembering yourself, burning out at work and dying at 35).

My scenario is that if you become pregnant, you definitely need to marry the child’s father, you can’t get a divorce - you need to raise a partner. I did not see any other options for the development of events and went straight towards this marriage, as if fulfilling a program. Only five years later I asked myself: do I really want it? Do I need this?

Buy on Litres.ru

You can read more about dependent relationships in the article by psychologist Mikhail Labkovsky “Family therapy is a divorce.”

Go to a psychologist

Another way to harmonize relationships and life in general is to go to a psychologist. But it’s better not together, but separately.

Psychologists don’t tell you how to live or give valuable advice about the toilet lid. They ask questions, help you look at the situation from different angles, put yourself in the other person’s shoes and realize that something is wrong. You find the way out yourself.

Psychologists help to effectively cope with anxiety, fears and anger through various therapeutic practices, such as art therapy or sand therapy.

As a result, you will no longer be affected by your spouse’s unpleasant behavior, and you will learn to be happy and stable.

After this you will have two options:

• your harmony will have a positive impact on your partner, relationships will improve;
• you will realize that you no longer need this relationship, and you will soon separate.

When it's time to sound the alarm, why do you need to do it on time?

If several signs of an imminent ending appear, you should take measures to help your partner and yourself, return happiness and warmth to the relationship, and prevent the breakup of a couple or family. Becoming more attentive and caring towards your partner, adding variety, coming up with a trip together - it doesn’t require much effort, and the relationship will sparkle with new colors.

If separation is inevitable, it is necessary to protect yourself from a sudden proposal of a break, which can unsettle a person for a long time.

Situations in which a couple is doomed to divorce

In some cases, it becomes obvious that the union or marriage has outlived its usefulness and will soon be over.

1. Lack of respect for the partner as an individual, neglect, ignorance.
2. Physical danger, abuse, moral abuse of a partner, children.
3. Dependence on alcohol, smoking, and other addictions that the partner does not strive to overcome.
4. Lack of work, unwillingness to solve serious issues.
5. Personality disorders or similar character traits: selfishness bordering on narcissist syndrome, pathological jealousy.
6. Relationships are perceived as a heavy burden. Vivid feelings have disappeared, together it feels bad, but being alone feels unusual and scary.
7. Regular cheating.
8. The pain of betrayal, the inability to forgive.

In what cases can an alliance not be broken?

Before making an important decision, it is necessary to analyze all aspects, pros and cons , to decide what exactly to save and whether it needs to be saved. The following signs indicate the value of a relationship:

• compatibility of partners at the physical, emotional, intellectual level;
• sincere feelings;
• presence of children;
• financial stability;
• absence of bad habits;
• respect, care, lack of aggression.

When the only option is divorce

My first marriage became for me something like chickenpox, after which the body forever acquires immunity. Was this marriage a failure? Yes, I was. Did I need such a relationship? Yes, we do.

We always attract only the right people. We learn next to them. And if we learn a lesson, we become better. I needed a man with whom I could be a superwoman, to be proud of the burden of my life.

Then I grew out of these ideas, but the relationship itself did not change and ceased to suit me. And there was only one way out.

Why do you need a psychologist

Appointment with a psychologist
Spouses at some point may decide that their relationship is not developing and decide to divorce. If you can’t understand each other, the best way is to consult a psychologist. Being a participant in the situation, immersed in experiences and emotions, it is difficult to be objective. A couple needs an outside perspective to understand and hear each other, and then make a final decision.

During and after a divorce, many questions arise. A mediator may be needed if you cannot reach a compromise on the division of property, raising children and other issues. It will help the parties build a constructive dialogue and find a solution that suits both parties.

Divorce is not a sentence, but work on mistakes

We were not and could not be happy together. This is no one's fault. My ex-husband is a wonderful person, decent, smart, attractive, he dances wonderfully. I treat him well and wish him happiness from the bottom of my heart. I didn’t want to hurt him at all, although I understood that divorce would be a tragedy for him. However, I didn't shine around him and eventually I stopped trying.

For me, there was only one option - to separate. Of course, it’s a pity for the effort and time invested in the relationship. I was worried about my ex-husband, I was worried about how the divorce would affect the child.

I was not ready to sacrifice myself out of politeness and regrets about the past, because this would not make anyone happy.

If you've been walking somewhere for a long time and suddenly realize that you've been walking in the wrong direction all this time, you have two options: turn back or deliberately continue walking in the wrong direction.

Divorce is not a disaster; people don’t die from it. Divorce is about working on mistakes. I admitted my mistake, forgave myself for it and happily move on with my life.

Divorce without scandal if the husband is a tyrant

A common cause of breakup is the inappropriate behavior of a tyrant husband. Many women hesitate to file for divorce, fearing for themselves and their children. However, over time, fear becomes the predominant emotion that drives radical action.

How to divorce your husband without a scandal if he is an aggressor?

1. It is important to choose the right moment to talk about separation: the husband must be in an excellent mood, sober and rested.
2. You must try to remain calm, even if the man starts screaming.
3. The main thing in a conversation is facts; you should avoid unnecessary emotions.
4. If you have concerns for your own mental and physical well-being and the condition of your children, it is better to change your place of residence during the divorce process.