Crises of family life and how to overcome them

The article explains:

The crisis of family life from the point of view of psychology
Normative crises of family life
Non-normative crises related to various problems
Crisis of the first year of family life
Crisis of 2-3 years of marriage
Crisis 5-7 years in marriage
Crisis of 10-12 years in family life
Help from a psychologist during a crisis

With a high degree of probability, not a single married couple can escape crises of family life. Sooner or later, people will face certain difficulties provoked by one crisis or another. And in order to maintain the relationship, partners will have to take some action. Otherwise, things may end in separation.

And this is not an empty warning. The number of divorces in Russia is growing steadily. For example, statistics for 2021 state: 564 thousand marriages broke up, with 770 thousand registered. Of course, crises in family life are not always to blame for such an outcome, but very often they are the issue.

The crisis of family life from the point of view of psychology

The state of crisis is familiar not only to those who are trying to build relationships with each other. Every person experiences age-related mental changes throughout his life, and they do not always occur smoothly and painlessly. The perception of the world changes, the usual manner of behavior suddenly begins to fail, a different attitude towards life and towards oneself appears.

For example, today many are familiar with the concept of a midlife crisis. Family psychologists are confident that it is during this period of life that a family’s strength is tested. Youth leaves, and with it unfulfilled dreams, you want change, but inevitable old age looms on the horizon. If one of the spouses suddenly realizes that life is passing by, then internal tension may arise in the family, which often leads to a break in the relationship.

Self-discovery can lead to a renewal of the usual way of life and the creation of an improved model of relationships. But what to do if the development of the crisis leads to new, deeper conflicts that destroy both the usual way of life and the marriage itself? This situation is a vivid example of a crisis in family life.

Another option for the development of a crisis situation is a sharp change in the usual lifestyle, often associated with the birth of a child, but not only. We will talk in more detail about what crises are typical for family relationships a little later.

The cause of a crisis situation may be a hidden conflict based on mutual dissatisfaction between the spouses or one of them, or some event that has sharply changed the established family structure for the worse.

Examples of such negative impacts may include:

Loss of a job by one of the spouses. The deterioration of the financial situation is only one side of the problem. Relationships are no less strongly influenced by changes in the usual routine of living together.
Conflicts with the older generation. An initially established family union can be destroyed by relatives - usually the parents of one of the spouses, and sometimes both. Resentment at one's failed life is often transferred to a young, happy family.
A sharp change in the financial situation. This applies equally to quick ruin and unexpected wealth. “Give a man power and money, and you will find out what he is capable of” is a very accurate saying.
Moving to a new place of residence. Some people find it difficult to change their usual environment, and the need to find a new job becomes an insoluble problem.
The appearance of a seriously ill person in the family - this could be one of the spouses, a child, or a close relative.
The birth of a child with a congenital disease. Treating a child already requires a lot of physical and moral strength and resources, but it happens that parents begin to blame each other for what happened.
Uneven division of responsibilities in the family.
Cold, indifferent attitude of spouses towards each other.
Constant business trips and other long absences from the home of one of the partners. And openly expressed dissatisfaction with this situation of the second.

The examples given reflect only a small part of the problems that lead to crises in family life. Unions also break up for less important reasons; a crisis can also arise as a result of an event that is significant only for one couple. According to the classic, “every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.”

A real life example of how not to “ruin” your own marriage...

The young people got married while they were students.
Initially, they were madly in love with each other and dreamed of children. With the advent of children, life became somewhat more difficult financially, so the husband found a better-paying job, which left him practically no free time.

At this time, the wife was taking care of the house and raising children.

It is absolutely clear that both partners were very tired, each in their own way. As a result, quarrels, resentments, and misunderstandings have become more frequent. The situation worsened, and there was talk of divorce. The couple simply did not have the courage to admit that their family life had reached a dead end.

But good friends advised them to a good family psychologist.

As a result, after visiting a specialist, the couple became more open. They began to talk more often about personal difficulties and experiences, and ask each other for help. The family began to happily continue to exist.

The point of this example is this: a crisis does not mean that love has gone away and people no longer experience the same attraction. A crisis is just a kind of test of strength. It can be difficult to cope with, but it’s always worth trying, and don’t be afraid to admit to yourself that you’ve encountered a difficulty.

Normative crises of family life

The famous American psychotherapist Virginia Satir developed a classification of family crises, which today is considered the main one and bears her name. She identified 10 normative problem situations that arise in every family:

The birth of the first child.
A child's acquisition of spoken language.
The child enters school.
The teenage period of its development, coinciding in time with the midlife crisis of the parents.
“Empty nest” syndrome – children leaving for independent life.
Children have their own families.
My wife is in menopause.
Decreased libido in my husband.
The appearance of grandchildren and mastering the roles of grandparents.
The death of one of the spouses.

Afterword

Family development can be compared to personality development and age-related development. Each person goes through age-related crises in the same way as a family: if successfully overcome, he develops, if unsuccessful, he degenerates.

The modern Russian family is characterized by isolation, tightening of external and unclear internal boundaries, and the predominance of internal stabilizers. Perhaps this is what explains the increase in crises and the increase in requests for psychological help.

How to determine who is in charge in the family and stop making trouble? Find out from the video.

Non-normative crises related to various problems

In addition to normative crisis situations, psychologists Eidemiller and Justitskis defined other problems that cause major crises in family life. In their opinion, they are directly related to negative events in the life of a family that arise at different stages of its existence.

Non-normative crisis situations include:

serious illness of one of the spouses;
socio-economic processes occurring in society (financial crisis, war);
extramarital affair of one of the spouses;
conflicts with neighbors, colleagues, relatives;
problems with housing, domestic troubles;
promotion or demotion, retirement and other changes in the social status of one of the spouses;
overtime at work, excessive workload at home;
the appearance of an adopted child or the appointment of guardians;
bullying, beatings, domestic violence.

No family is immune from such abnormal situations; they can appear throughout life, and often overlap each other, which only worsens the situation.

But most often, periods of crisis in family life are tied to the number of years spent in marriage. Long-term observations of divorce processes, studying the reasons that pushed spouses to divorce, allowed psychologists to establish these periods. The division is quite arbitrary; for each couple they may occur a little earlier or later.

Crisis of 2-3 years of marriage

This stage of the family life crisis, according to the observations of psychologists, is defined as one of the most destructive. The theory is confirmed by disappointing practice - about 40% of couples file for divorce during this period of time. What becomes the main reason for the sad outcome of events?

Bored relationships. The monotony of family life causes a feeling of fatigue and irritation from forced daily communication. Common topics of conversation disappear, you don’t want to go home after work, and intimate relationships have become a routine habit of performing marital duties.

3 main rules for an ideal relationship:

Getting to know each other has long ceased to interest spouses who believe that over the past time they have already gotten to know their significant other enough. Hence the reluctance to listen, to delve into the essence of the problem, constant conflicts and quarrels. To distract himself, the husband begins to glance at pretty women on the street, and the wife makes eyes at her handsome colleagues.

Family life is gradually turning into a daily showdown, which sooner or later will lead to divorce, unless both come to their senses and try to restore their feelings again.

Crisis 5-7 years in marriage

By this time, the family already has at least one child, and a crisis situation develops at the moment when the spouses learn to be parents. Another overlap is when husband and wife reach middle age, when a person tries to understand his place in the world around him and find the meaning of his existence. In addition to these unfortunate coincidences, the crisis of family life for 5-7 years has a number of other reasons.

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