Some people know only by hearsay what maternal love is. Although they grew up with their mother, they did not feel loved or important to her. And as adults, they don’t know how to build—or whether it’s worth building at all—a relationship with someone who deprived them of warmth and attention in childhood. What formats of maternal dislike exist? How to communicate with a mother who was cold or hostile, and, having grown old, expects participation and care? Let's talk to psychologist Anna Khidiryan.
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Mother-tyrant, monster: psychological portrait
Unfortunately, a tyrant mother is not such a rare phenomenon .
Everyone suffers from this - husband, child and herself.
Negative attitudes primarily affect children.
Signs that a mother is a tyrant:
- Your own opinion is not taken into account ; it is secondary or not taken into account at all.
- The mother strives to make any decisions for you , and no other option is discussed. When she tries to resist, she says that she knows better what is right.
- You live in a state of complete control by your parent.
She wants to know everything that is happening to you, what you are thinking about, where you are, who you are communicating with. - Evaluates and criticizes friends , tries to choose her social circle, prohibiting contact with those she does not like.
- She seeks to control even grown children . This is expressed in constant calls, advice, reproaches, requests for help, and blackmail.
- A woman raises her voice and may raise her hand. Disobedience is punished harshly.
- Punishments in such a family are regular occurrences , even for minor offenses.
- They convince you that you are obliged to help your mother, obey her in everything, and not contradict her . She tries to convince you that it was her destiny to raise the child, and now you owe it to her.
- She tries to instill in you a feeling of guilt - for any act, action, birth, or her failed career.
- She constantly emphasizes how much she has done for her child, how much effort she has invested.
- Calls several times a day , demanding a report on where you are and what you are doing.
- Criticizes for any reason , even when there is no reason for it.
Living with such a woman is unbearable. Children, as a rule, grow up with low self-esteem and are dependent on the opinions of their parents. It is difficult for them to navigate through life, since they are used to having everything decided for them.
At the same time, a tyrant mother may be constantly dissatisfied with the successes of her child, what heights he has not reached.
They make very difficult mothers-in-law, who rarely accept their daughter-in-law and seek to destroy her connection with her son.
The tyrant mother also has a set of her own complexes. She tries to control her loved ones due to internal insecurity .
Failures in her personal life and career lead to her trying to realize herself in the family and take at least some position.
The need to control everything causes internal tension and discontent, as loved ones resist tyranny .
At the same time, the woman does not understand why the children do not want to obey her, avoid contact, and then strive to leave the family as quickly as possible.
Short answer:
In families of modern society, the relationship between child and mother develops differently. Not everyone lives safely and happily, unfortunately. Most often, a prejudiced attitude towards a child for any reason occurs in dysfunctional families. In such a situation, you need to find allies among your close circle, this could be a school teacher (if you are still studying) or a close friend whom you trust. The main thing is not to withdraw into yourself and not accumulate all the unpleasant moments that you are forced to experience. And you definitely need to turn to a psychologist for help.
Why does she hate me?
To understand why this happens, it is worth studying the woman’s past. The children are not at all to blame for the fact that she hates them. It is likely that she had an unwanted pregnancy and that the child's father abandoned her.
Hate can be one of the symptoms of fatigue. It also develops when life is full of failures and a person blames other people for this.
Reasons for hatred:
- She does not know how to love and expresses her feelings in this way. Love is taught in childhood. If a woman did not have an emotional connection with her mother, then this became the reason that she was not able to establish the necessary contact with her child.
- The child was not wanted. In this case, the offspring are rejected. But since he still needs to be raised, the woman has no other choice.
- The child is like a father who is not around . In this case, the woman is forced to see a copy of her man every day, which causes additional irritation. Negative feelings are especially obvious when not only the appearance, but also the character of the child is similar to the father.
- The woman has mental disorders - depression, schizophrenia, neuroses. In this case, adequate perception of reality is disrupted.
- The child is perceived as an obstacle to personal life .
My mother dreamed of making a career, but pregnancy got in the way. She wanted to get married or find another partner, but the child is perceived as an obstacle to the relationship. - The behavior of a son or daughter does not correspond to expectations and ideas about ideal children . When giving birth to children, many parents have an idea of what they would like them to be like. However, expectations are not always met. Children grow up with their own character, needs, and a certain line of behavior, which is not always correct from the parents’ point of view.
- Weak emotional connection with the child . It did not appear after childbirth, and the woman did not try to do anything to establish it. In this case, we can talk about a cold mother who does not know how or is not capable of experiencing warm feelings for her children.
Saying “I hate you” in the heat of an argument does not mean actually experiencing hatred.
But if such behavior is observed regularly along with accusations and aggressive actions, then we can talk about hatred.
Hot temper
The problem of fathers and children is eternal. Do you sometimes feel like arguments with your parents are endless and have no end? Do you feel like your mother doesn't love you? How to live if you want to cry from parental injustice? All these questions often arise on the basis of some rash conclusions made by children in their opinion of their parents. Only in dysfunctional families can we talk about the real reasons for parental dislike. But often the child’s feeling of negativity from his mother is due to his own fantasized and unrealistic guesses. Hot temper is one of the first criteria from which absolutely no conclusions can be drawn. In a quarrel or scandalous situation, a person may throw into the air a phrase that he will later deeply regret. In view of this, all conflicts should always be tried to be resolved in a sober mind and sound consciousness, with steam running, and not in a fit of anger. Then you can reach a consensus and avoid obsessive ideas about how to live if your mother doesn’t love you.
What to do with maternal hatred?
What to do if your mom hates you? First of all , do not give in to provocations , try not to incite a conflict. The mother is looking for confirmation of her emotions - my child is bad.
At the same time, you shouldn’t try to prove something or achieve success just for the sake of your mother. You will have to understand that you are not responsible for her life, she is an independent person.
You do not control her emotions, the internal state of discomfort that she constantly experiences.
However, they are able to learn to extinguish conflict using various psychological techniques.
You should try to learn to communicate with such a parent as calmly as possible, without reacting to her screams and provocations.
Learn to patiently prove that you are right.
People with a soft character find it difficult to get along with a tyrant. Therefore, it is necessary to be able to stand up for yourself, but without inciting conflict, but patiently explaining your point of view.
It is difficult for a tyrant mother to accept that sooner or later the children leave home, and that this happens through her fault, since living nearby becomes unbearable.
But for adult children themselves, most often this is the best option - to start their own lives.
What to do if you feel your mother's hatred:
- be patient;
- remain calm, do not shout back - this will lead to an even stronger negative reaction and protracted conflicts;
- if you have already grown up, then find separate housing;
- tell your mother that you have the right to choose and she will have to accept it;
- learn to make independent decisions;
- try to calm your feelings, stop negative thoughts towards your mother.
Demonstrate your autonomy to the parent - you now act on your own and resolve any of your issues.
Of course, you can sometimes ask her for advice.
The tyrant mother will strongly disagree with your desire to be independent from her, but you will have to stand your ground and not give up your position.
Advice from psychologists
Remember that if you are subjected to hatred from your parent, then it is not your fault. Don’t dare blame yourself and look for the problem within yourself. The problem definitely lies with your mother. Surely, you tried to find some compromises, talk with a person close to you, but everything ended in failure. Any person, at any age, needs maternal love. And you are no exception. You can help yourself, for this you need, when another conflict is brewing, just leave, no need to shout, engage in any clarification, just be silent, think about what gives you pleasure, this will help distract you from negative thoughts, and go to friends, relatives, to any place that is comfortable for you. Remember, you are an individual and no one has the right to break you and make a puppet out of you. Also, go to sessions with a psychologist, this will help you maintain your resilience, inner core and confidence. Don’t give up, no matter what happens, all problems can be solved and even those that at first glance seem fatal also have a solution. All the best!
Mom pisses me off and annoys me: reasons
The mother has developed her own stereotype of behavior, and it does not always correspond to the expectations of other people. If she has a dominant character , then she tries in every possible way to impose her will on everyone around her.
This causes irritation, since any person strives to make decisions himself and have his own opinion. You try to resist her attempts to control , but this causes an even stronger response in her - it is difficult for her to accept that you stop obeying her.
Irritation may arise due to differences in temperaments. For example, you are a nervous melancholic person, prone to fears, mood swings and doubts. And the mother is a bright choleric person, constantly active, on the move.
Why do I hate my mother? If there is no emotional connection with the child , this affects the future relationship with them. It should be formed in childhood, ideally from infancy. Did you feel maternal love or, on the contrary, did you feel coldness and indifference?
You may hate your mother because she strives to completely control your life , while you want to be independent.
The desire for independence is a natural need of an adult personality.
You may hate your mother because she paid little attention to you as a child and spent most of her time focusing on herself rather than on the child.
Analyze your life, childhood years - how your relationship with your parents developed, who raised you more.
It also matters what emotions other relatives invested in you. Unfortunately, it happens that, for example, a mother-in-law, hating her daughter-in-law , obviously or subconsciously seeks to pass on this attitude to her grandchildren.
Have there been times in your life when you were told how you should treat your mother?
Find a replacement
Parents are not chosen, and every child must come to terms with this idea. Are you unlucky with your mother? In such a situation, a family psychologist can help. A good specialist will explain to a person that there are many people in life besides his mother who love him. For example, grandparents, teachers and friends. There is no need to get hung up on mother's love. It’s good if it exists, but if it doesn’t exist, then you can still live happily. You always think: does my mother hate me? Such a thought only makes the situation worse. Thinking about a problem will not help solve it. Better find those people who love you and spend more time in their company.
Live for yourself
As you grow older, you become firmly established in the thought: my mother hates me. What to do? You need to accept this fact and not try to change it. You have already done everything possible to earn the love of your parent. If you do not notice any changes, then you should not try again. They are unlikely to succeed. Better try to live for yourself. This option is not so bad. Most people live under total control, so they cannot realize their potential. And you have no boundaries or restrictions. Do what brings you pleasure. Learn languages, travel, find a decent job, start a family and live a full life without looking back.
