Reasons for a bad husband's attitude
How did it happen that your family life together turned out completely different from what you dreamed of? Are normal family relationships only shown in Disney fairy tales? Why did everything start out so romantic for Cinderella and the prince, just like for you and your husband, but all the romance disappeared in everyday life? It already seems that your husband doesn’t care about your existence.
1. It's my own fault
What nonsense? How can a wife be to blame for her husband not caring about her? She didn’t specifically want to get a disregard from her husband, the wife wanted love and happiness, it’s all the husband’s fault. And if it’s not the husband’s fault, then it’s all the mother-in-law or ex, and even the evil boss, but the wife is not to blame for anything at all.
It is the wife who is responsible for the atmosphere in the house, for the comfort and harmony in the family. Did your husband begin to treat you with disdain immediately after your wedding? Think what has changed? Ask him what pushed him away in his family life?
- Take responsibility for your life, for your happiness, and blame yourself for all your mistakes. This will give you the opportunity to correct them.
- I recommend a psychological exercise.
- Write down on the list what upsets you about your husband.
- In the second column, write what you think when your husband does these things.
- This will give you the opportunity to find out the reason for the negative attitude.
- Work through this reason yourself or with a psychologist.
For example: your husband yells at you when he comes home after work. You think he's yelling at you because he doesn't care about you and he wants to get rid of you. And he screams because you haven’t fed him yet, haven’t given him a rest, but you’re coming up with stories about Masha from the second floor and about what happened in “Let Them Talk.”
2. Problems at work
For men, work comes first, because without work, he will not be able to adequately support his family and occupy his rightful place of honor in society. Therefore, when your husband has problems at work, show all your patience. The husband needs to be supported and inspired, and not raised at his expense.
If your husband doesn't care about you
First, figure out whether your husband really doesn’t care about you, because there is a great possibility that you made it up to yourself and were offended.
1. Difference in thinking
Women's logic and men's logic are very different, so perhaps you are interpreting your husband's behavior completely incorrectly. Dialogue is the best solution to a problem. Express your position to your husband clearly and clearly. Hints won't help here.
2. Responsibilities
Have you and your husband talked about who does what duties around the house? Does your husband know that you consider him obligated to take out the trash and beat out the carpet?
Does he realize that you regard every doormat that is not knocked out as a spit in the soul and disrespect? It’s your mistake that you didn’t assign responsibilities, and now you’re creating scripts for a Mexican TV series on a household scale.
3. Selfishness
When was the last time you yourself did something nice for your husband? Maybe it’s enough to demand free veneration and worship, and it’s time to show your love for your husband yourself? He should, he must, why didn’t he? What have you done to maintain your relationship, besides endless whining and complaints?
4. Work on yourself
5. Family values
Are your family values similar to your husband's? Have you defined a clear family model for yourself, how have you distributed responsibilities, what is love for you? Work through these points in your head. Very often, girls get married with ideas about family life in their heads from fairy tales and fashion magazines.
Now you have a little experience. How do you imagine family life now? What are your values in family life? A clear positioning will help you chart a path to achieve happiness in your family life. For example, passion in family life and well-being are important to you. What have you done to rekindle your old passion? How do you manage your family budget? Are you helping your husband get a promotion? Review your goals and attitudes. Then it will immediately become clear to you whether it is possible to achieve your goals and dreams with your current husband, or whether he is an unreliable companion.
Bad relationships in the family undermine the psyche, fray the nerves and damage self-esteem. Here are some ways to boost a woman's self-esteem:
1.
Don't compare yourself to others, everyone is different, everyone has their own advantages and disadvantages.
2.
Don’t scold yourself, there’s enough negativity around, even if you give yourself compliments.
3.
Accept compliments. No need to refuse, oh come on, I’m not like that. Like this! You are the best!
4.
Take a course to improve your self-esteem, there are many options, choose which one is more convenient for you:
5.
Write a list of your positive qualities. Re-read and add to your list.
6.
Set small goals, achieving each one will increase your self-esteem. Break a big goal into small ones; every small victory in any business will help you assert yourself.
There are a number of obvious signals that clearly say that the chosen one of your heart does not love you. Perhaps he values your friendships, or is he just flattered by your interest in him? Perhaps he keeps you as an “alternate airfield”, but does not consider that he has any obligations towards you?
Well, here are ten of the most striking signs that the man you fell in love with does not have any “we” plans with your participation. Read carefully, and if there are more than two coincidences with your love story, then, believe me, these are no longer coincidences!
Calls in monologue mode
Which of you dials each other's phone number more often? If there is an obvious imbalance on the face, this is not a good sign. In our gadgetized age, these simple things are very indicative: who calls whom first and sends SMS messages, writes letters and hangs funny cats on the wall. Even if your man is glad to hear your calls, but at the same time he has no need to dial your number himself - just like that or for an insignificant matter - something is wrong here! Well, and the obvious “telephone rule”: if you didn’t answer the call, and he didn’t ask why, know: he put a big, thick “nothing” on you. Exactly what he feels for you.
Freeze
Do you feel like your relationship is not moving or developing? You met on the Internet, you have dates on Skype every evening, but you still haven’t received an invitation to go for a walk to at least the notorious Van Gogh exhibition in a couple of months? Bad sign! If you are work colleagues and go to a business lunch together every day, but on weekends he always has things to do and plans in which you do not participate, you can, to clear your conscience, go on the attack and take the initiative. But be prepared for the fact that he has a hockey match with an amateur team, and it is unknown at which stadium, so “he-can’t-invite-you-sorry.” Good advice: find yourself another comrade to eat borscht and cutlets together on a working afternoon!
Popular
Who is there?
The topics that a person raises in a conversation say a lot both about what he breathes and about his attitude towards the interlocutor. You should be wary if a man doesn’t ask you about your favorite music and films, doesn’t ask what flowers you like, what you were interested in as a child, what you do at work, how you spend your free time. If you both have active profiles on social networks, agree, it’s a little strange if he doesn’t like or comment on your posts. It’s also significant when he knows that you are a vegetarian, but takes you to a restaurant where you literally have nothing to eat. And after his stories about his ex-girlfriends - and no matter in what way he speaks about them - all doubts about his true feelings for you can be considered dispelled! He doesn’t hear you, doesn’t feel you, doesn’t understand you, doesn’t respect you and, of course, doesn’t love you.
Peacock instinct
Narcissistic and selfish people are not capable of deep feelings. But if a man does not try to show himself as handsome in front of the woman he is interested in, does not try to “fluff his feathers”, to convey to her the idea that he has many virtues and rare spiritual qualities - this is also very strange. It’s even worse if he allows himself to let loose in your presence and regularly complains about fate and bad people who supposedly constantly create problems for him. Acting on pity in order to evoke a desire to save is somewhat different than showing oneself worthy of love and respect. Believe me, he is not driven by love! Perhaps this is a desire to find grateful ears into which he will pour out his resentment towards this cruel world. In general, the prognosis is unfavorable.
Secret behind seven seals
You only go on dates and only the two of you. He avoids the possibility of being in the company of your friends and is not eager to introduce you to the circle of people close to him. There is no talk of meeting the parents. As a result, you go to your own sister’s wedding alone, because he is “shy,” “doesn’t know anyone there,” and in general, “hates weddings.” A fairly typical situation: someone calls him on the phone, and the man sitting opposite you, when asked where he is and with whom, answers casually: “Yes, with no one.” If you don’t want to be a “nobody” in another person’s life, it’s time to end this story here and now. There will be no happy ending.
Weird humor
It also happens that you seem to be together, but at the same time in the company you feel like a loner. Your lover actively flirts with other young ladies, does not court you, and if he lost sight of you at a party, he does not look for you, is not interested in what you are doing, and whether you are bored. Things get even worse if he doesn’t take your side in public disputes, and if you’re outright wrong, he doesn’t try to smooth things over. He watches with interest as you sit in a puddle. If someone rudely attacks you or makes fun of you, he does not give any sharp reaction, and even he himself does not mind making an offensive joke at your expense. This is no good! A man in love cannot be indifferent to the feelings and experiences of his chosen one.
Greedy
Maybe in some countries it is considered normal for both couples to have separate wallets, but in our culture it is still accepted that the man pays, at a minimum, for your coffee at Shokoladnitsa. Of course, the strength of feeling is not measured by the amount of money a lover spends, but a man’s psychology is simple: he readily invests in what truly interests him. Believe me, a normal man has a need to invest in a woman whom he wants to conquer, or whom he already considers his! The exception is pathological greed, but you can figure them out literally right away. A greedy man is not sexy. He must be abandoned mercilessly. A man with whom it makes sense to build a relationship is generous and ready to throw the whole world at the feet of his beloved, even if he is not rich. Honestly, he will find an opportunity to give you gifts and pleasant surprises! He will offer his help and try to predict your desires. If this does not happen, everything is sad.
Anti-sex
It is clear that people have different needs and opportunities for sex. But a developing relationship is the very case when desire looks for opportunity, and indifference looks for excuses. So if “your” man avoids intimacy in every possible way, he has a thousand urgent matters, he is constantly either tired or not in the mood - something is wrong here! This does not mean at all that he has another one. He just doesn't care about you as a woman. Another case is if a man is gentle and affectionate before sex and immediately loses interest in you after. If at the same time you notice that he, in principle, has begun to touch you less often - he doesn’t try to hug you, take your hand, his kisses give off a chill, and your attempts to caress are ignored - get ready for parting! It’s sad, but it’s unlikely that anything will help here, and it’s not about you or your “technique”. There is practically no chance to rekindle a faded passion, no matter how numerous “geisha trainings” convince you otherwise. And lighting a fire that doesn’t ignite right away is a hopelessness not worth your time. You don't want to be in the friend zone, do you?
The patient is more dead than alive
Everything was fine with you, as you thought. And suddenly he began to avoid meetings, forget about your requests, and instead of a clear reason for his forgetfulness, he presents some helpless stories from the “walked, fell, woke up, cast” series. A man who is preparing to “leave” a relationship suddenly experiences a deterioration in his health: he regularly sprains his legs, gets a sore throat, and eats potatoes at McDonald’s. Terrible diseases befall his grandmothers, aunts, friends and aquarium fish: he needs to accompany or take them to hospitals, wait for the ambulance to arrive, wander all over the city in search of a rare medicine. Catch him in incoherent fiction? This is not a royal matter! It's just time to say goodbye. No matter how sad it is.
Whoever calls names is called that himself!
When everything is smooth in a relationship, and you communicate nicely, it may seem to you that “everything is going according to plan.” Whether this is really so - the first quarrel will show. Just don’t deliberately provoke conflict! Sooner or later, a situation occurs in any couple when each of the two considers himself right, and the other is wrong. How you will survive an acute situation, how reconciliation will take place, what words you will choose in order to dot all the “E”s, will show your man’s true attitude towards you, and will also tell a lot about his character. If it is important for him that his word be the last, if in the heat of the moment he allows himself to insult you, getting personal, if he goes into deep resentment and forces you to humiliate himself, blackmails you with a breakup, sets some conditions for reconciliation - just turn around and leave. Still, one should expect condescension towards women’s weaknesses and whims from a strong man. In the same situation, there is not a word about love for anyone other than himself - a wonderful alpha male who needs to be served and please in everything. Such a man is either a notorious bastard or a weakling. In any case, it is not suitable for building long and lasting relationships.
So, the sad truth has become obvious to you. He doesn't love you. And it’s not so important how long you’ve been together, how far your relationship has gone. Alas, this happens. Not every union between a man and a woman ends in a fairy tale where the heroes live happily ever after. Remember the ancient Indian proverb: “The horse is dead - get off!” Then you have two options.
The first is to suffer properly, get over the disease, perk up and again plunge into a vibrant life in which there will be wonderful adventures, interesting acquaintances and new relationships. And they will be - don’t even dare doubt it!
The second is the path in accordance with the eternal female mistake: to realize oneself only through the man who is nearby. But if you are sure that you have just lost the love of the man of your dreams, start an operation code-named “Make him fall in love with you again.” There are no guarantees that everything will work out, and it is unknown how long it will take. But you will do deep work on your mistakes and work on yourself. Because you are valuable in yourself. There is no relationship in which you could invest - invest doubly in yourself. And now, the task for the next five years has already changed constructively! - become a superwoman, the best version of yourself. And then you’ll see who you need next to you. Maybe Superman? For harmony.
I’ll tell you exactly what you should never do:
don’t humiliate yourself, don’t make claims, don’t scream, don’t cry in front of him.
How could that help if he doesn't care about you?
There is also no need to bring him into a “frank conversation”: why find out from him that everything is over between you if you yourself understood it? Don't pester him with calls and SMS. You will only raise the level of irritation with your person and convince the person of your inadequacy. There is no need to go to great lengths to knock out a wedge with a wedge - it’s been tested: it doesn’t help. Don't go to fortune tellers! This is no comment at all.
Check these signs in your relationship!
What does a psychologist say in such cases?
This is a typical situation in which both are to blame. It is understandable that you, as the author of the request, may say: “But she takes it out on me and gets angry much more often.” You may not even agree that this is your fault either. Okay, let her be the active aggressor and you the passive aggressor. But you both are pragmatic towards each other, and it's time to stop.
Accept as a fact that a family with two children, where both work full time, is a difficult case. This is objectively true. Love is a wonderful feeling, having two children is an amazing achievement. Having a job that you're happy with is also a great thing. But when you try to put it all together, there aren't enough hours in the day. And this happens not once a week, but every day. Until one of you collapses from fatigue.
Family psychotherapy
Psychologists studying the level of happiness among family people have noticed that at the age of 20 everyone says that they live wonderfully. Then everything goes in a downward direction until the bottom is reached at 40 or 50 years old. During this period, people feel especially unhappy. And then things gradually begin to return to normal, and happiness levels rise until they peak in their 60s or 70s.
What's happening? Children leave family nests. And both parents can again live for themselves, pursue their own hobbies, without looking at anyone around them. Life turns out to be calmer and more harmonious, the feeling of happiness returns again. There are fewer obligations, and spouses can focus on what they have dreamed about all their lives. They may return to old hobbies: going to yoga or repairing and restoring antique cars.
Photo by Bruno Aguirre on Unsplash
Many families, even today, can afford one non-working spouse. But in the described situation this does not happen. Both are forced to work and raise children. The husband and wife have practically no time for themselves or for rest. That is, both exist in terrible stress and constant time pressure. Reactions to this stress can be very different, sometimes spouses begin to fight against each other.
Instead, they need to become a cohesive team, a reliable support for each other. And help restore strength, for example, by taking turns resting one day a week. It's quite clear where the battles come from. This is a war for limited resources: sleep, time for yourself, favorite hobbies. All this becomes an invaluable source of grace and peace, because this resource is lacking for both. Small children and work take up almost all the free time of each couple.
He doesn't talk about the future
You are not important to him if he does not plan your future together. He's just happy with the present. He doesn't want to take your relationship to the next level.
Hello! I have such a problem in my family life. We have been officially married for 6 years. My son is 4 years old. Everything was fine, but sometimes there were quarrels, but I was always the first to reach a truce, I always justified it, I was always the first to call. Now, this year, complaints regarding everyday life have begun: “I cooked it poorly,” “you don’t do anything at home,” and the statements “I don’t respect you, I don’t value you, or, more precisely, there’s nothing to respect or value you for.” My son recently got sick, he didn’t even call or ask how he was. Specifically, my life, whether I have problems, he is not interested, whether his son needs clothes or shoes, he does not care either. Now I haven’t called him for the second day and neither has he. He is 35 years old. We met when he was 28 and I was 20 years old. I got married at 22 and, naturally, I couldn’t do much, but I don’t demand much, just that I spend time with my son. I want to explain a little about his family. His parents live together but sleep separately. and my husband and I have no common interests, I tried to somehow discuss something and solve problems. In response to problems, he always says that this is a useless conversation and closes the topic. What, tell me, should I do? I'm ready to go for a divorce. It’s just that I always went first and tried to save the family myself, but on his part, he didn’t care about us. It’s just that in this situation it turns out that I need all this - calling, begging, etc.
Anna, Nizhny Novgorod, Russia, 28 years old
Typical example:
“My wife is impossible to please. We have two children who go to school, we have been married for 10 years, we both work full time. No matter what I do, she is always unhappy, even if I try to do my best or give up things to do her errands. The list of tasks she writes to me for the week is huge. Very often I am the one who takes care of the children, taking them to school, taking them to classes.
I have to ask her several times every day how she is doing. At least once a week she gives me a dressing down. And during the day he can make several comments. This has been going on for about two years and I am very tired of it. I began to think that I couldn't do anything right. I let her relieve the tension by swearing at me.
Recently I went to football with my friends; it was the first weekend in six months that I allocated for myself. When I returned home, she was furious. Then she didn’t talk to me for a week. We decided to fix everything and went on a romantic date. But even there she could not relax. We ended up bickering over little things instead of enjoying our vacation.
Why does my wife scream and swear at me? How can I help her relax? All my friends are married, most of them do much less housework, and their wives hardly scold them. I also want to be happy, how can I get my old relationship back?”
What to do for both
If you recognize yourself in the description, read the recommendations and understand that this is about you, conduct an experiment. Write down everything you do around the house on a piece of paper. Be petty, learn all the nuances down to who takes out the trash and changes the toilet paper roll, who wipes the children’s noses and pours tea into everyone’s mugs.
Then, on this list, highlight all the things, all the items that you do for yourself, and not for your wife or children. Let your spouse do the same. If betting could be done in such cases, most experienced psychologists would bet that the wife's list is much longer than her husband's. There is no need to guess here: whoever gets more tired is more likely to break down.
Quarrel at a psychotherapist's appointment
Try another experiment: switch roles for a week. If your wife used to tell you what to do all the time, now it’s your turn. Ask for whatever you want: buy beer, bring tea, run to the store, put money on your phone. Let her serve you in addition to her standard to-do list. Then ask each other questions.
- Did she manage to complete all your instructions?
- Did she manage to hold out for a week?
- Did she manage to hold out for at least one day?
- Did she manage to do everything right? Or did you also have to make comments?
New time
The era of the 1950s has passed. Then the ideal family was like this: the husband worked, the wife stayed at home. She could spend 30 minutes choosing the best tenderloin in the store, and had time to wash and cook everything. After all, she didn’t have 2 hours after work to do this, but the whole day. She didn't have to spend 40 hours a week working in an office.
Now it is fashionable to live differently. Both work, and they do it for the privilege of having much more money than they could. But for some reason it is believed that women still have to do everything, and at home too. The children must be looked after, the apartment cleaned, dinner prepared.
In our grandmothers' youth, a man who was willing to take his wife's to-do list and do something about it was considered a hero. This was an exception to the rule. Everyone said: “Look at him, he’s so progressive, he doesn’t even complain, he allows his wife to run errands for him.”
Photo by Matthew Bennett on Unsplash
In modern generations, this type of behavior is no longer considered progressive. Husbands are called henpecked, and wives are called aggressive bitches. Start living as equals.
The man who wrote the complaint with which the article began should start living for himself. He needs to remove phrases such as “helped with the children” and “helped around the house” from his vocabulary. He didn’t help, but did what he had time to do, insuring his wife, who will do something for you next time while you are late at work.
In the current family there are no male and female responsibilities, with rare exceptions this is true. Whoever has time takes the children out of school. Whoever can come early organizes dinner. Teaching children to do homework will be a good help.
Photo by Tina Dawson on Unsplash
From primary school onwards, they can clean their room or wash the dishes. Moreover, there is no need to hand out any trophies shouting: “Wow, you did it yourself!” In a family where both parents work, children should learn self-care skills from an early age.
The wife in this situation needs to learn techniques that allow her to relax and control her anger. These can be simple breathing exercises. Having spent a couple of minutes on them, she will not lash out at her husband and will not destroy a relationship in which both are having a hard time due to simple fatigue. No one should yell, insult or give negative feedback. This must be done in the interests of both, in the interests of the family.
It will be difficult for a wife to overcome this behavior if she has been using swearing and swearing as a way to reduce her stress levels for years. But you need to understand that she does not receive anything good in return. As a rule, after scandals there is only a feeling of sadness, loneliness, fatigue, and sometimes a feeling of guilt.
