I know what you're thinking. They saw the headline and were outraged: “Who does this guy think he is? Is it me who hates myself? Does he even know how cool I look? Have you seen my new hairstyle? Does he know that I once trained for a half marathon and even ran part of it? I love myself very much! What could he possibly know?
Look, I'm not arguing that you have great hair, but let's face it: we all hate ourselves from time to time, depending on how much trauma we've had to endure and how many episodes of Teletubbies
I had a chance to watch it as a child.
The good news is that self-hatred is part of human nature. There is, in essence, nothing “wrong” with this. We all have something that we really don't like or that we are ashamed of. I'm sure even Oprah hates herself sometimes. And I, of course, am no exception. After all, I'm writing an article about this - I probably have some very dark side that I hate about myself.
We all have unfulfilled dreams, unrealized ideals and actions that we should have done or, conversely, didn’t.
do. This is fine. We all have to come to terms with something about ourselves that we don't really like. Some people cope with this by ignoring it - we move blindly through life, do not make serious decisions, copy others and avoid difficult tasks and conflicts. Others escape through sex, psychotropic drugs, obsessions and distractions. Still others get so carried away that they try to save the world, create a utopia, and in the process they can start a world war.
The goal is not to get rid of self-hatred. The only way to do this is to eliminate your consciousness and/or become a psychopath. And we don't want that.
I also don't recommend suppressing your self-hatred because you might end up shooting up an Orlando nightclub.
A person who loves and cares for himself is not obsessed with doing everything right or perfect the first time.
No, the idea is to minimize this hatred by first becoming aware of it, and then learning to identify its form and control it. The challenge is to learn to cope with your disappointments without letting them take over you.
That’s why the article is called “How to learn to hate yourself less” and not “How to stop hating yourself once and for all by becoming a damn perfect snowflake.” There are no perfect snowflakes. I lived in Boston and saw a lot of snowflakes. None of them were perfect. And if there was, I'm pretty sure it wouldn't be you.
So let's get down to business. Below are nine steps that will teach you to hate yourself less, to control this feeling better, so as not to slide into manic-depressive disorder or, even worse, religious fanaticism, living under the banner of “God hates gays,” etc.
Instinctive hostility does not exist
— Other people are always mirrors for us. What offends others, what is incredibly popular or incredibly annoying, should be read as a signal that provides information about oneself.
For example, we are terribly annoyed by a colleague who has done nothing wrong to us. Moreover, he may not pay attention to us at all, but we look at him and simply lose our temper. There may be several reasons.
Victoria Markelova, psychologist. Photo from the site vdohnovimir.ru
Projection
Each of us has an ideal image of ourselves, which is very difficult to part with. It’s not for nothing that the Gospel says that “we see a speck in someone else’s eye, but we don’t notice the log in our own.” We don’t want to see shortcomings in ourselves, and the more we don’t like something about ourselves, the more we don’t accept it - this is how psychological defense works.
And when something about another person constantly, inexplicably and greatly irritates us, look inside yourself.
For example, we don’t like ambition in a colleague; it’s possible that we ourselves have it inside, but we just don’t recognize it.
And we project our unconscious onto another - it’s easier to be irritated and angry on another than on ourselves. This is how we relieve tension and neutralize the conflict within ourselves. In general, we are deceiving ourselves.
Particular anger at “our” other people’s shortcomings can be explained precisely by the fact that the poor “irritant” gets it both for himself and for “that guy” - we take out on him the hostility that we cannot turn against ourselves.
Of course, not everything that is unpleasant to us in other people is in ourselves. It’s worth thinking about when irritation is of a high degree and is rationally inexplicable, so to speak, “instinctive.”
Where's the respite?
It is possible that decreased enthusiasm is a signal from your body that you need a break. Working for three months without days off, it’s impossible not to get tired. Don't forget that a normal working day is 8 hours, not 24, as you used to think. Try to take breaks from work more often, ask yourself an assistant, explain to your boss that, working in this mode, you are unlikely to be able to fulfill your duties well enough. You should not bring work unfinished in the office home - you should come to work well-slept and rested. Only in this case will you be able to work with pleasure. Or maybe you recently had the flu and you don’t need extra stress. Then your reluctance to work is a protective reaction against overwork. In this case, it makes sense to take a course of vitamins, pay attention to tonic infusions, such as infusion of ginseng or eleutherococcus, and, if possible, postpone all difficult tasks for at least a week. During this time, you will finally regain your strength, and your enthusiasm will return on its own.
By the way, psychologists from the University of Amsterdam warn: before taking on an important task, you need to have a good rest. Rested and tired from mental work, the subjects were subjected to a series of experiments, during which it turned out that tired people were less flexible and more persistent in their behavior, they periodically suffered from a lack of self-control. They also acted less rationally, repeatedly trying the same options even when it was clear they weren't working. They needed more time to think and draw some conclusions.
Envy
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This is the second reason why strange irritation may occur . Envy is a feeling that I really don’t want to admit to myself. It is difficult to accept that you are jealous, because it means that you lack something, that you want something, but cannot. And then you begin to get angry with a successful colleague or relative and accuse him, for example, of getting something dishonestly, or of sucking up to everyone, so everything is fine with him.
We get angry because we can't do it ourselves. And then even some good trait in this person begins to irritate us.
For example, easy-going or the ability to find a common language with anyone - after all, it seems to us that thanks to these qualities the person received something that we cannot get.
And so easy-going behavior in envious eyes becomes frivolity and irresponsibility, and sociability becomes the ability to suck up and lie like crazy.
The reason for envy may also be that we deceive ourselves in our desires and motives. Here’s an example: one person is terribly indignant that he is so creative, but doesn’t earn as much money as Uncle Vasya, who does some nonsense. But Uncle Vasya’s motive is to make money, and he makes it. And an indignant person has a motive - to do something with meaning, to bring good into the world. Then, it turns out that if Uncle Vasya’s motive is money, and yours is good, you are simply on different planes. Are you ready to change your motive to get big money?
You need to ask yourself the question: what do you want more? Money, like Uncle Vasya, or something else? Because in this case it’s a conflict: they don’t pay big money for what’s light and high. And if envy and irritation go off scale, you need to figure out your motive, is it real? Or how much of it is from oneself, and how much is from social roles and obligations? Or maybe the person just doesn’t know how to make money?
24 hour rule
If someone attacks you, you may experience negative emotions. If attacks happen in public, then other people may also experience unpleasant emotions. They might think, “Jane said that about James, so he must be an idiot.” Attacks can also be part of office politics or personal relationships.
The 24 hour rule works in almost any case. If you do not respond to the first attack, it will disappear within 24 hours. But if you answer at least once, reset the timer. It will take another 24 hours for the aggression to subside in the web of human communication. That's why some conflicts last for years. Participants react to each other's attacks, and all this continues until one of the opponents dies. And according to Onion magazine, the mortality rate in the world remains stable at 100%.
Trespassing
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The third reason for incomprehensible hostility is our own inability to defend our boundaries.
For example, they tell you: “Come with me” or: “Come and visit me today.” Or (boss): “Stay today and work overtime!”
The person agrees, comes, stays to work, and then begins to experience great irritation with the one he listened to, because he believes that he was forced.
But instead of admitting that he himself does not know how to say “no,” he transfers this irritation to his tormentor. And he begins to get annoyed because he was forced, but in fact he did not want to.
It seems stupid to be offended by the person who invited you - he didn’t drag it by force; You also don’t want to be angry with yourself for agreeing – that’s what results in such deep hostility and a desire to avoid a person to whom you cannot say “no.” As a result, both the tormentor himself, who suppresses you (which he himself, however, does not even know about), and all his manifestations become unpleasant.
And this is natural, because our borders are our security, and anyone who, in our opinion, breaks through them seems to us an invader. Therefore, it is important to protect and defend borders! Otherwise, you will continue to be surrounded by “invaders”, rapists, and they will not understand what they have done wrong to you: they simply offered, and you simply agreed.
In the right place
Perhaps the reason for the lack of desire to work is an unsuccessful workplace. For example, colleagues and visitors are constantly scurrying past you, pestering you with questions. You get distracted all the time, can't concentrate, and end up not doing your job well enough.
Of course, your self-esteem as a specialist suffers from this, and the desire to work disappears completely. If you don’t have the opportunity to change your “dislocation”, try to at least better arrange your desktop - nice-looking trinkets, a favorite flower and a photo of children on the desktop will make the office atmosphere more comfortable. And, of course, get rid of clutter in your workspace. While you are rummaging through a pile of papers, trying to find the necessary document under the rubble, the desire to work may dry up.
Forgotten problem
Photo from ndtv.com
And finally, the fourth reason for “instinctive hostility” is some kind of repressed trauma.
It happens that a person cannot stand a certain type of people. For example, tall and thin. He cannot stand them to such an extent that he cannot even touch them without disgust - it’s the same as touching an insect. Such things may be tied to some repressed childhood traumas. Maybe an adult, tall, thin uncle approached a little girl at the age of three and scared her with something. In the unconscious part of the psyche, fear remains and is consolidated. Then a person grows up and no longer remembers, but this suppressed, forgotten, repressed, associated with some kind of trauma or unpleasant situation, develops into such hostility.
This can happen not only in childhood, but in adulthood something happens to us, and the psyche works in such a way that we forget it.
If it is very unpleasant, then we convince ourselves that it did not happen.
Nevertheless, the image that traumatized us remains, and we will feel hostility towards it, without understanding why we feel this.
Causes
Misanthropy is a disease that does not arise out of nowhere. Certain factors contribute to the accumulation of negativity and the formation of unpleasant attitudes. It will take a lot of mental effort to cope with the consequences. Hatred towards people is often a reflection of an incorrect lifestyle, the result of some unfavorable events. It would seem, where does hatred of people come from despite outward prosperity? They need to be understood in detail in order to notice the origins of the formation of obvious disadvantage. Sometimes people don't want to admit to themselves that difficulties exist. Such a game easily turns into self-deception, since the individual feeds his pride and does not want to concentrate on solving everyday problems.
Childhood trauma
When family relationships do not work out, a person often withdraws into himself. Strict parents sometimes cause significant emotional wounds, sometimes without even knowing it. The child is left alone with his sorrows. He gradually gets used to the fact that at the right moment no one will take pity on him, caress him, or say a kind word. The result is severe disappointment in people. It seems that since those closest to you deceive and betray, then in principle you can’t trust anyone. In this approach, a person seeks complacency and justifies his own inaction. Childhood traumas can live in the soul for a long time, poisoning life. Sometimes we are not even aware of them, because we are too busy with worries and selfish views. But how much we don’t notice! As a result, life is wasted, without joys, emotions and everyday good impressions.
Excessive sensitivity
There are people who are naturally hypersensitive. They often find themselves deeply impressed by the most everyday events. Excessive sensitivity affects how a person builds relationships and communicates with relatives and colleagues. One careless word can make a huge impression, contribute to increasing tension and the growth of conflict. That’s why one can read wariness in one’s gaze, and one can see aloofness in one’s behavior. Closeness in interaction is reflected in other areas of life: personal life does not work out, problems arise at work, numerous fears and psychological barriers arise. Coping with all this is quite difficult, especially when you don’t fully understand what exactly is happening.
Miseducation
If parents pay little attention to the child’s personal development, then he develops a feeling of personal insecurity. It seems that the world is cruel and unfair to the extreme. The result is wariness, detachment and reluctance to engage in conversation. When people focus too much on negative experiences, they end up getting nothing done. They lose the necessary supply of energy and stop believing in their own prospects. As a response, isolation, unsociability, and complete reluctance to engage in normal everyday life arise.
Developed intelligence
The smarter a person is, the more critical thinking he develops. Psychologists note this pattern. The ability to notice the shortcomings of others comes to the fore. An attack of misanthropy can happen suddenly and confuse you, depriving you of significant prospects. Developed intelligence manifests itself in the need to criticize, analyze and question every individual action. There is also a danger that a person begins to be proud of the education he has received, the things he has acquired, the fact that he knows several foreign languages and reads philosophical literature freely.
Dissatisfaction with your life
If you fail to achieve something significant in life, then a feeling of disappointment comes. It seems that nothing good will happen anymore, since external events are not encouraging anyway. Dissatisfaction with life is a good reason to withdraw into yourself and stop paying attention to how the people around you behave. Experiencing deep disappointment, a person often discovers a need to withdraw and stop reacting to events in the outside world. It often occurs to people to start blaming other people for their own failures. This happens instinctively, because there is no other way to act despite the prevailing circumstances.
Soul emptiness
Emotional problems greatly affect the ability to empathize. Spiritual emptiness leads to limited perception. A person withdraws from the everyday bustle and stops all communication with people. If someone turns to him with a request or advice, it only causes irritation. There is no incentive for action, there are no skills for social interaction. When a feeling of hopelessness gnaws at you, the need arises to run far away and never face aggravating conditions.
How to live and fight with all this
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First, you need to honestly admit to yourself that there really is a problem: hostility towards a person who seems to completely not deserve it. He does us no harm, he has no or almost no influence on our lives, but irritation or disgust towards him is present.
Awareness of the problem is the first step to solving it, because, having realized it, we seem to take the problem outside, we can look at it from the outside and understand what to do next. By the way, it’s not so easy to realize, because we are used to considering ourselves white and fluffy, and even admitting to ourselves that we are incredibly angry at a person who is, in general, innocent of anything is difficult.
Keep a diary of feelings
Photo from godlifechurch.me
The second step is keeping a diary. It is necessary to describe in writing as detailed as possible what specifically irritates a person. We take a notepad and draw a table in three columns. The first is the cause of irritation, for example, “he sits and spins in his chair” or “laughs insincerely when talking to his boss.” The second is my feeling that arises about this. Third - how, in my opinion, an “irritant” should behave. We keep such a diary for at least a week, with all care.
We need to start analyzing the issue point by point, that is, very clearly, on paper. Because when everything is only in thoughts, it scatters in all directions. I need to clearly write down what I specifically don’t like, what annoys me.
It is necessary to write down all the details - it’s not just annoying and that’s all - but you don’t like the way he talks, or ingratiates himself with the boss, or sucks up to everyone, is a hypocrite, puts on airs, brags, etc.
There will be several results here. Firstly, we will bring out the feelings and emotions that previously tormented us from the inside. Secondly, we can figure out for ourselves whether there is something in ourselves that irritates us so terribly. Or maybe we really don’t, but we really want it?
In my practice there was a very quiet and modest girl who was afraid to speak out and speak. And her colleague at work wouldn’t shut his mouth. That is, she told everyone exactly what she thought.
And this irritated the quiet girl to the point of fainting; she called her colleague an upstart, and vain, and worse.
But in fact, she wanted to be able to be so decisive herself. But for a very long time she did not want to admit to herself that she also wanted to be able to behave so openly. That is, in fact, she liked the quality that her colleague had and the lack of which she was so upset about.
Or another example. Let's say I'm incredibly annoyed by the gossip that a person engages in at work. Then I need to track how I behave myself, and then ask: “Am I not gossiping myself?”
Your first instinct will be to say “no.” But take your time, think about it, and then try asking someone you trust. You need to learn to watch yourself carefully.
If the cause of irritation and hostility towards another is found and eliminated, then the irritation goes away.
When a person admits that he is also not a saint and can also gossip, be jealous, boast, etc., he becomes more tolerant of those who are also not saints. This is a rule: the more tolerant we are able to treat ourselves and accept ourselves with shortcomings, the more tolerant we treat others.
If I discover in myself the same qualities that irritate me in another, I go to confession, and then say: “Okay. If God forgives, then why don’t I forgive myself?” Then I can be tolerant of others. That is, I will treat myself with love, and I will treat others with love.
This does not mean that you need to be tolerant of objectively bad actions and manifestations. Love the sinner and hate the sin.
Time cures
Hate cannot last forever. Often it turns into a slow simmer. The sun, which was so bright during the day, turns into a purple haze and dark orange at sunset. This doesn't mean you and your haters are friends now. It simply means that the open wound will finally heal, leaving a small scar and a memory, but nothing more. It doesn't matter if a betrayer, an ex-spouse, an ex-lover, or a blog commenter hates you. It is important to learn how to reduce time.
Some people experience hatred, anger, bitterness and regret for years. Sometimes a lifetime is not enough to heal wounds. It's a waste of life. Of course, she also has a right to exist. No one is forcing you to live a meaningful life; you can safely waste it. And since more people will hate you every time you stick your head out of the sand (which I hope you do), you will have many opportunities to ruin your life. Enjoy them.
Sometimes (but not always), people hating you means you're stepping out of your comfort zone. You create and grow. But I hope that your wounds are healing faster and faster. In fact, I wrote this post for myself. I hope that my wounds are also healing faster every day.
In response to hate, I try to use these techniques and learn more about myself. If I can’t learn anything new, I try not to hurt myself. If I succeed, I try to be grateful and move on to the next stage where I find love, creativity and satisfaction.
An incident from private life
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There was such a story with me.
In the parish where I worked as a psychologist, there was one lady who believed that psychology was one evil. And this lady was constantly secretly competing with me.
All the time she hurt me and provoked me. I just couldn't see her.
At some point I said: “I can’t do it anymore. I just can't stand her. I see her and I’m shaking.” What to do? I began to figure it out and ask myself questions: “What exactly bothers you about her? Competitiveness, okay, but aren’t you competitive yourself? And you can’t bear for someone to dare to be better than you. And you want to be in first place, to be the best, to be loved and praised by everyone. Don't her qualities have anything to do with you? Yes, you are just like her! You’re just younger and know how to behave better, so you win.”
Right at that moment I felt better. I laughed so hard: “Well, why are you attached to this aunt? I’m the same.”
The task is not to kill yourself for this and not to say: “Oh, how terrible you are!” And somehow treat it with humor and say: “Okay, let’s think about what we can do about it.”
Just by admitting it, of course, I won’t stop being, for example, a competitive person, but at least my irritation has disappeared. I didn't love her, but at least I stopped hating her. I accepted that I had this in me and calmed down about it.
Rule 30/30/30
I had several posts where I used the same illustration found on the Internet: a woman doing yoga on the beach. I've been criticized for always using pictures of sexy women. I was also criticized for using these photographs without attribution.
Then the woman in the photographs wrote to me. I told her that I had received such comments. She told me her beautiful story, which was included in my latest book. But she also said this: for everything you create, a third will love you, a third will hate you, and a third will be indifferent. This means doing what you love and putting your best effort into it. You must improve every day. And when you receive critical feedback, simply put it in the one-third negative basket.
Do not try to be friends with the “irritant”
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There is a mistake that many people make when they want to be honest with themselves. Feeling guilty before a person for their dislike, they begin to treat the object of their dislike with exaggerated attention, deliberately trying to do something for him, trying to reverse their negativity.
To use a medical metaphor, these people are trying to carry the heavy bag of the “victim” with a broken arm. But until the hand grows together and gets stronger in the cast, any tension for it can be detrimental. So here:
Until we realize the real reasons for our hostility and understand how to overcome them, such forced friendly behavior will not bring any good.
It will look hypocritical, but inside, in addition to hostility, aggression will also accumulate.
I would advise not to pester the object of hostility, but on the contrary: to step back a little and watch him. Try to understand why he behaves one way or another, what his internal reasons may be. Look at the world through his eyes, try to feel it - or, as the English say, walk a mile in his shoes. Perhaps something will be revealed to you, after which you will no longer be able to be angry with him.
