Fear of intimacy - where it came from and how to deal with it

You may have met people along the way who were sincere communicators, considerate lovers and caring listeners, and then out of the blue they pushed you away and said: “This has gone too far. We need to separate." This is often done by counterdependent people - those who are afraid of emotional intimacy, although they want it no less than you.

Clinical psychologist Angelina Chekalina explains that counterdependence is a form of self-defense.

“When a person enters into a relationship and begins to feel something vaguely reminiscent of what he experienced as a child, a lot of emotions from past traumatic experiences that have not been experienced and are repressed come to the surface. It becomes unpleasant and even painful for him. And I want to quickly do it so that it doesn’t hurt. But there is no such way. And then escaping painful intimacy can become an effective form of behavior.”

In the book “Fear of Intimacy. How to stop defending yourself and start loving,” psychotherapist Ilse Sand lists several ways that counteraddicts resort to insuring their hearts from pain. The first is the rejection of real attachments and replacing them with relationships based on mutual exchange, for example: you give me sex, I give you money. Sand does not see anything wrong with such relationships, but argues that if this is the only type of attachment that a person is capable of, then he loses a lot.

The second technique is endless attempts to catch the “pie in the sky.” In life, it can look like this: a guy constantly falls in love with girls who are indifferent to him, which allows him to remain at a safe distance and still experience feelings. Or - and this is the third way of self-defense - he hopes to melt the beauty’s heart, make her happy with his love - and then she will never run away from him. And if a girl still shows interest in him, he may begin to actively look for flaws in her. At some point it may seem to him that she is not very smart, not very beautiful and generally an abuser. Who seeks will always find!

Ilse Sand names a couple more self-defense strategies - this is the search for an ideal partner and the desire to become ideal yourself. In the first case, a person cannot come to terms with the fact that his chosen one in some way does not live up to “the one” or that his feelings for him are not as bright as they “should” be. In the second, he tries to make himself someone he could love forever. And in this he is helped by self-help literature, in which the mantra is repeated page after page: “First heal yourself and only then build relationships.”

How to recognize fear of intimacy?

It's not easy to admit that our partner suffers from a fear of intimacy.
It is important to understand that he himself is aware of this. This is because many people rationalize their approach to life by recognizing that being single is a conscious choice that suits them best. If your partner treats you with detachment and you feel like you're sharing a wall, this could be the first symptom of fear of intimacy. He is notoriously avoidant of contact, he does not like to meet with family and friends, he does not answer phone calls - these are just some of the symptoms that may suggest a fear of intimacy.

Sexual fears: where they come from and what to do about them

In this interview, the host of the podcasts “To You or To Me” and “Tea with a Psychologist,” Egor Egorov, talks about fears of intimacy and their causes, the fear of seeming like a “log,” about machismo and ways to combat imposed attitudes.

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Posted by Egor Egorov (@psy_chay)

Fear of intimacy is normal. Fear is a defense system without which we would not survive as a species. Another thing is that sometimes this system works too actively. Most often, fear of sex is social. We are afraid of being rejected, misunderstood, not like everyone else. Most people are afraid that they will be hurt, they are afraid of embarrassing themselves or looking ridiculous. This is the fear of being rejected by a loved one or society. This feeling is almost no different from embarrassment. Shyness, self-consciousness, bashfulness are all just forms of fear.

There are different theories of the origin of these psychological phenomena, but in general it is either a personality trait (then a person is tense and shy in other areas of life) or psychological trauma, or upbringing, or social pressure. Or all together. Another problem that reduces the quality of sexual life is the fear of open conversation about sex and one’s desires.

I think this has to do with stereotypes: for example, a woman should be a “nun” and a prostitute in bed in everyday life, and a man should be a sexual giant with a huge phallus. All these attitudes and idealization make it difficult to openly talk about sex, although the topic is already taboo for many.

The only way to overcome this is to start talking. There are no secret life hacks. Just open up to your partner little by little: first tell something very minor, then move on to more complex topics. It is important to express your thoughts through the “I” pronoun, without becoming personal or blaming anyone. Just tell us what you like and what you would like to improve to make the process even more enjoyable for everyone involved.

In psychotherapy, this is called the method of gradual approximation: you need to break down the solution to a complex problem into small steps and move step by step, starting with a simple one. You need to ask your partner in advance for gentle and careful feedback.

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Don't know what you like? The advice is the same - try it. Try to abandon stereotypes for at least one evening (this can be done, for example, at a sex party. - Ed.) and try something new. Discuss boundaries with your partner in advance, indicate what can be done and what will be too much. If you don’t like something during the process, be sure to say so right away, but not aggressively and gently, keeping in mind your partner’s feelings.

It is possible to get rid of fear on your own, but it is difficult. First of all, you need to abandon the strategy of avoidance - stop pushing away fears, not thinking about them and pretending that there is no problem. If possible, share your thoughts with your loved one. Open conversation about sex is the best way to combat phobias.

During those periods when fears begin to overcome you especially actively, do not drive them away, but look them in the eyes, try to strengthen them. The effect is paradoxical: if you face your fears, they go away. If you drive them away, they intensify and begin to chase you.

Sex education

There is an opinion that “too correct” upbringing can cause sexual problems. Let's first figure out what “too correct” upbringing is. Most often we are talking about restrictions, excessive severity and the desire to protect the child from everything in the world, to lay straw even where it is not necessary. All this results not only in sexual repression, but also more generally - fear of entering adulthood.

This is usually how anxious parents raise their children. They need to pay attention not to the child, but to themselves, so as not to “inherit” anxiety and controversial attitudes. It’s a pity that not all parents understand that they need to work through their traumas with a psychotherapist in order to raise a healthy and happy person.

It is difficult to say who is more likely to have fears of a sexual nature—men or women. The issue of gender is not that important. There are probably very rare phobias that sexologists know about. I'm not a doctor, but I've read a lot of stories that our podcast listeners have sent in.

It seemed to me that men are more often nervous about their sexual strength, masculinity (for example, a girl touched his anus - this often causes panic), the partner’s orgasm - this again goes back to words about “male strength” and self-esteem.

Women worry about how they look. This is not exactly sexual fear, but rather self-doubt and even sometimes dysmorphophobia (obsession with minor defects or features of one’s body. - Ed.), which has passed into the intimate sphere. Another common fear is not to satisfy a man properly, to look inexperienced - what if he later says that you are a “log”.

There is also the fear of pain or unwanted pregnancy. The latter is easy to explain - unfortunately, issues of contraception are often of interest only to women. But most fears still have roots in our patriarchal society and are imposed from the outside.

Who to talk to and who to listen to

Many people find it easier to talk about sex with friends than with their partner. There's nothing wrong with that, but remember that friends aren't always the best advisers. Yes, they can say something useful, but often other people's experiences only intensify their fears. Discuss topics that are difficult for you only with non-toxic people who know how to accept someone else's point of view without criticism, accusations or bias in one direction or another. The same applies to sources of information: sex bloggers, sexologists, psychologists. Listen to those who carry a positive charge.

Who to follow:

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Publication from Masha, come on! (@masha_davay)

Masha Arzamasova

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Publication from TATYANA NIKONOVA (@nikonova.online)

Tatyana Nikonova
I think our podcast with Christina Wazowski “To you or to me?” people like it because everyone is now becoming more conscious, they value pleasure more and want to get positive emotions from intimacy. Women are more attentive to their desires - the times when only men's preferences mattered are becoming a thing of the past, and that's great. Now mutual pleasure and love are valued.

In general, sex education helps many people. This is a good trend that can protect not only from fears, but also, for example, from sexually transmitted diseases.

Why am I afraid of relationships?

There may be several reasons to be afraid of relationships. Traumatic experiences from the past can negatively affect new acquaintances. If your previous relationship was toxic and you were humiliated by your partner, you will find it much more difficult to enter into a new relationship because you will carry in your memory the negative emotions associated with the previous difficult relationship filled with negative emotions. What to do in such a situation?

We must definitely learn again what trust is. Fear of love can ruin even a promising relationship, which is why it's important to define your expectations and needs. You won't build valuable relationships on lies and uncertainty.

Causes of intimophobia:

Negative youth experiences. One day, a person trusted another, revealed his soul, or had an intimate relationship and was ridiculed and cursed. There is a fear of opening up again and experiencing pain again. A person always keeps his distance when making new acquaintances.
Parenting. The parents told the child that no one can be trusted, there is deception everywhere.
Religious stereotypes that believe that intimate relationships are only for childbearing.
Lack of parental love. Parents did not devote time and love to their child. He grew up alone. And he grew up without emotions. When getting close to another person, he feels uncomfortable.
The presence of real or imagined physical disabilities. Judging the appearance of an authoritative person instills self-doubt.
The reasons for sexual intimacy can be: lack of sexual experience, negative experience, fear of contracting sexually transmitted diseases, fear of unwanted pregnancy.

This fear begins to manifest itself in adolescence, when parental attitudes are still in effect. But this goes away with age and new life experiences. But it is also possible to preserve it in adulthood.

Fear greatly influences social activity.

Signs of fear of intimacy

Avoidance of intimacy has its own characteristic symptoms:

commitment problem
building ongoing relationships
frequent changes in decisions
feeling of fear of loss
fear of losing privacy
blame yourself for failures
difficulty making decisions
avoid contact with people
resignation from meetings
initiating fleeting romances based solely on sex

A loving partner will support you and understand that you are afraid of intimacy. If you feel overwhelmed by your problems and your fear of intimacy is significantly impairing your daily functioning, seek professional help.

We live in the 21st century and mental illness, anxiety and depression should not be isolated. Remember that each of us faces difficulties. The most important thing is to find the right solution.

Treatment of this pathology:

Treatment takes place in several directions. During the treatment process, emotional and personal problems are corrected.

Psychotherapy. The method is selected separately for each case, depending on the personal qualities of the patient and the characteristics of the disorder. Psychoanalysis, group trainings, auto-trainings are used. Self-esteem is corrected during the treatment process. The main reason for the appearance of fear is revealed. Then the fear is processed at the subconscious level.
Psychocorrection. Special situations are used, after coping with which, a person gets rid of fear.
Hypnosis. A person is put into a trance state, in which he is taught the correct reaction to a stimulus.
Autotraining. When using regular autogenic training, a person’s stress level decreases. Which accordingly makes his condition easier.
Drug therapy. Drugs of different pharmacological groups are used: tranquilizers, antidepressants, antipsychotics. They help eliminate disturbed mood.
Rehabilitation . The results achieved during psychotherapy and drug correction should be consolidated in everyday life. With the participation of relatives and friends, patients maintain a healthy lifestyle, including regular varied nutrition and moderate physical activity.

Fear of beautiful women

Causes:

Lack of self-confidence, inferiority complex
The stereotype that beautiful women will always try to take over a man
Fear of Rejection
The stereotype that beautiful women are stupid and selfish

How to express it:

At the sight of a beautiful girl, a person experiences shortness of breath, dizziness, and rapid heartbeat.

The cause of fear is lack of self-confidence

A man feels uncomfortable in the company of a beautiful girl.
A man communicates well with girls of ordinary appearance, but panics when communicating with beauties.
In cases of severe phobia, a man may run away from the place where a beautiful woman is.

A man feels uncomfortable in the company of a beautiful girl.
Ways to solve the problem:

If the guy is still a teenager, then this phobia will most likely go away with time.
Contact a psychologist. Find out what event from the past caused this phobia.
Take a self-esteem course.
Learn affirmations about self-love and repeat them to yourself during phobia attacks.

Find out what event from the past caused this phobia