Causes of neurosis. Where does neurosis come from?
Most often, neurosis develops in childhood. Parental criticism, coercion, prohibitions, ridicule, insults and violence (from emotional to sexual) go unnoticed for few people. Screams and scandals, nagging, demands for unconditional obedience, constant assessments of the child’s personality (you are bad, you are stupid, you are sloppy), coercion and violence, which is presented as “strict upbringing” ultimately forms a neurotic personality.
The parents of the future neurotic are usually neurotic personalities themselves: weak, weak-willed, unlucky, childishly capricious and impulsive. They can give the right advice, “go to school,” “get a job,” “start a family,” but I myself demonstrate the opposite: I always have no money, I haven’t finished college, and I have two divorces behind me.
When children grow up, neurotic parents try to change roles with them, believing that now the responsibility has been lifted from them - the children have already grown up! They expect children to fulfill their role: support, help, console. Children, to their worries, also add a feeling of guilt towards their parents (“today I don’t have time to drop by mom again,” “dad is waiting for me to put new windshield wipers on his car! What kind of son am I if I can’t choose the time?” !"). Parents are offended and reproach “I gave birth to you, raised you, and you are so and so ungrateful.”
The child perceives the personal example of the parents as something more important than words. And he himself grows up just as dissatisfied, weak-willed and unlucky. Having given birth to children, he will most likely copy the behavior of his parents... and raise a new neurotic. This is how neurotic pathology is passed on from generation to generation.
Eeyore is a typical neurotic
Examples of neuroticism
It’s hard not to notice neuroticism in everyday life:
- A beautiful girl who is convinced of her own unattractiveness and interprets signs of attention as a search for benefits.
- A shop worker who has never made a mistake in 7 years of work has earned the trust of the entire plant, but is convinced that his work is poor. Or he goes to work every day with the fear that he won’t succeed.
- An artist, composer, culinary specialist who is never satisfied with his creativity or product. He calms down a little only after he receives praise and approval from those around him.
Another characteristic and noticeable feature in everyday life is the inability to refuse or express one’s opinion, to call, to ask for help. A neurotic person has many internal inhibitions. He cannot refuse a product imposed in a store or an invitation to an unwanted meeting.
What does a neurotic personality look like? Symptoms of neurosis
- Fear of everything new. A person suffering from neurosis is afraid of everything new. Any change causes panic. A neurotic personality does not want to change anything, the will is suppressed, but there is a whole set of fears and phobias (from fear of self-expression to fear of making new acquaintances, fear of spiders and other more or less bizarre forms). Thinking is often illogical and comes down to only one thing: sit where you are, don’t twitch, don’t take initiative, don’t try to change anything, be closer to “trusted” people and nothing bad will happen. Often a neurotic is dependent on circumstances and people; he cannot be called independent, contented, satisfied.
- Dependence on other people's opinions. People with neuroses care about what other people think and say about them. And it doesn’t matter whether it’s a neighbor in the stairwell or a random fellow traveler on a minibus. Neurotics have difficulty making decisions. Taught from childhood to obey, they have no experience in making even the simplest decisions. They are terrified just from the fact that they will have to make the decision. Even when it comes to choosing bread in the supermarket.
- Neurotic pride . The tendency to seek approval develops into the desire to be the first, the best, the ideal. So that no one can point a finger and say, “He’s bad.” Moreover, no matter what a neurotic achieves, it is done precisely for approval. A neurotic wants to achieve everything easily and does not want to go through thorns to the stars (because along the way many people will judge him). Or, on the contrary, demand from yourself and others the perfect performance of everything (from creases on trousers to a brilliant career). Such neurotics tyrannize themselves and everyone around with perfectionism, not allowing them to relax even for a minute.
- Atrophied ability to do something to improve your life. Even if he is as poor as a church mouse, a neurotic will not lift a finger to make his life better. A neurotic person finds a lot of excuses why he needs to live in an apartment with torn wallpaper, why he can’t buy new dishes, why he needs to work as a janitor even though he has a higher education. “Life is hard!” - exclaims the neurotic, lighting a cigarette and crossing his legs - “you need to be able to tolerate failure.” His ability to get involved in stories and attract trouble is amazing. But over a person suffering from neurosis, “the evil Rock presses.” He is programmed by the subconscious for failure and will definitely ruin even inevitable success: he will cancel a meeting, be late, get scared, get nervous, break a leg, tear his jacket. And then he will suffer and tell how unfair life is to him. Yes, “endure” and “failure” are the basic vocabulary of a neurotic. Add to this grumbling and dissatisfaction: “The boss is biased towards me,” “Nothing can be changed,” “All these rich people are thieves,” and you get a portrait of a neurotic.
- Love and manipulation. The twisted logic of a neurotic naturally affects his relationship with his partner. A neurotic person experiences a whole range of fears when it comes to his personal life: from distrust and hostility to the idealization of a partner, the desire to find in him what his parents did not give him at the time. Neurotics often fall into codependent relationships. A neurotic is prone to primitive manipulations: “if you love me, you will immediately take out the trash”, “if you like brunettes, then you don’t love me, because yesterday I dyed my hair blonde.” Often it is the neurotic who throws a scandal because the neighbor suspects her husband’s infidelity (the neurotic is easy to convince, he easily accepts other people’s opinions, he is suggestible and often falls under influence, it is he who often takes out a loan to buy a prestigious and expensive thing, but he does not need it) . It is difficult for a neurotic to make decisions, it is difficult to accept everything new. Therefore, at the beginning of a relationship, he is thrown from one extreme to another: “I can’t live without you,” “I don’t want to see you!” We broke up,” “Come back, I’ll forgive everything,” “Nothing happened yesterday. Forget". He considers such “African passions” to be true love.
- Aggression and conspiracy . A neurotic often considers himself a kind, sympathetic and completely harmless person who is offended by everyone around him for some reason. Internal aggression is projected onto other people: “They are up to no good, I can feel it!”, “Why are they all looking sideways at me? Are they whispering? This is definitely about me." A neurotic can perceive the harmless words and actions of other people as a threat, a conspiracy; close relatives are perceived as calculating villains who want to deprive the neurotic of everything.
Neurosis causes a person to be unlucky, unhappy in love, and dooms him to a joyless existence.
What is neuroticism associated with?
A neurotic personality has traits of asthenism and hysteria. Even with external well-being, such a person will still have internal discomfort. Remember Eeyore? Here is the most striking example of a neurotic with elements of asthenia.
Uncontrolled neuroticism fetters a person’s hands. Mistakes frighten a person so much that a neurotic person prefers to give up and do nothing. And even numerous positive experiences do not reduce fear and anxiety. The neurotic is too insecure and fixated on failure.
Neuroticism is sometimes a way of attracting attention and manipulation. The neurotic personality asks not to be disturbed, to be left alone. As a result, her problems are often solved by empathetic strangers. And then the neurotic simultaneously finds himself in the center of attention and avoids life's difficulties.
Neuroticism is often complemented by somatic disorders: headaches, arrhythmia, hypotension or hypertension. Neurotics are irritated and depressed by any sound. This is a weak personality suffering from irrational fears and anxieties.
Neurotic conditions can contribute to an increase in the speed of the thought process
So says a group of researchers from the Medical University of the State of New York. Scientists conducted a small experiment and found that people overwhelmed by doubts and fears are, in some cases, able to show higher results in IQ tests than those who are less susceptible to anxiety.
The point here is that neurotics tend to adapt to life better, because they try to avoid ambiguous situations. And they are constantly busy with this, which loads their brain with additional tasks and makes them think faster.
However, this opinion still seemed controversial to us. After all, there are a lot of people who are simply lost when they find themselves in a stressful situation.
I leave the house and start to worry that my iron is not turned off. Am I neurotic?
If you suddenly develop anxiety that greatly affects your quality of life, for example, you find it difficult to calm down and have to return home several times to check if the stove, water, or that same iron is turned off, then these are symptoms of obsessive-compulsive disorder. Previously, such conditions were called neurosis, but this is an outdated term.
The most important thing is that this has nothing to do with neurotics and does not depend at all on the personality type. Neurotics can live calmly, periodically encountering anxiety, but it will not affect their quality of life in any way.
Anxiety is a normal, healthy feeling. We get anxious when something is important to us.
Who are neurotics?
In structural psychoanalysis there is a theory on the types of personality organization: conditionally, all people can be divided into three categories.
Neurotics . Such people are prone to anxiety and lack of self-confidence. First of all, they are focused on making others feel good with them. And for this you definitely need to do something, because things just can’t be good with them. People with this personality type have a fear that they do not fit in enough with the world, and as a result, with their own expectations of what they should be.
Psychotics. They, on the contrary, can be super-confident and prone to anger: that’s how it is with me, you’re not like that. People around them may feel uncomfortable. The world does not live up to their expectations, and they express their dissatisfaction very strongly.
Border guards . They cannot define themselves, figure out what is important to them, so they choose what to strive for based on the assessments of others. They fit into a company depending on what is expected of them. To some extent, they can be called unformed personalities.
Personality type is not a disease. It cannot be “cured” or changed. You are who you are. But you can learn to live comfortably with it both for yourself and for those around you.
About the inevitability of a sad ending
People susceptible to neurotic behavior are convinced that the glass is always half empty. During my student years, I went on an exchange trip to the United States, where, based on my musical passions, I met Danny, a boy my age who lived next door. He was a thoughtful and suspicious person, which, however, did not prevent him from being an excellent friend and interlocutor. In short, he was a classic neurotic.
So, his favorite saying was: “That would be nothing my friend” (“Nothing will come of it, my friend”). This phrase was always pronounced somewhat theatrically and sounded so doomed that one day I asked him again: “Nothing, really? Why so Danny?” (“Really nothing? Why, Danny?”). I immediately really liked Danny's answer: "C'mon man... If it would be nothing, you won't be disappointed."
What a very convenient approach to fate and all its unexpected turns!
According to an article published in the journal American Psychologist, neurotic people tend to express negative emotions in response to a threat, a hopeless situation, or a serious loss. But despite the obvious unproductiveness of such behavior in a difficult situation, a little pessimism can be useful: life is still complex and unfair, so we need to approach it more realistically.
