When I, an experienced neurotic, finished reading M. Labkovsky’s book “I Want and Will” to the middle, I experienced complete disappointment...
...the libido of my patients is slowly but changing its vector. The neurotic reflex arc is destroyed, new healthy neural connections are created, and self-esteem rises. As a result, not only conscious, but also subconscious reactions become different. Watching this is amazing, interesting and pleasant. Although the task, I repeat, is difficult, and if I manage to finally solve it, I will probably receive the Nobel Prize
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The thought that all my attempts to cure neuroticism with the help of psychology were not guaranteed to be successful, and that in this life only a lobotomy would make me truly happy, did not give me hope for a bright future...
Fatality quickly gave way to protest - it cannot be that I am doomed to suffer from my own mind for the rest of my life, there must be a way out...
And the solution has been found! Just not in the plane of psychology and the material world. And in the world of physics, esotericism and the power of thought...
Elizaveta Volkova's master class changed my understanding of relationships in a couple. I learned how to get a man back into a relationship, even if it seems like everything is ruined forever >>>
“Beat the mind with a stick!” - oddly enough, the most adequate and effective way to be happy, to get rid of neuroticism forever and find harmony in love.
Now being neurotic is a thing of the past for me and it’s time to share with you the secret of my success.
Neurotic - who is it? Perhaps this is about you too?
I remember with a shudder the times when I went to see a psychologist once a week and re-read tons of psychological literature in order to find happiness in my personal life.
It seemed that life was a complete pain, that I was serving a sentence in this body and that I had no hope of early release. And that it’s easier to go out the window and end it all than to endure this mental anguish.
By the age of 25, I clearly realized that I was neurotic and that something had to be done about it.
For reference, Wikipedia defines neuroticism as follows:
Neuroticism (neuroticism) is a personality trait characterized by emotional instability, anxiety, low self-esteem, and sometimes autonomic disorders...
According to the great psychological encyclopedia, a neurotic is
a person under the influence of neurosis is a disadvantaged personality, poorly adapted to the external environment, reality; the dominant behavior is emotional-instinctive reactions. According to S. Freud, this is explained by the predominance of the pleasure principle over the reality principle. Figuratively, a neurotic is a person who stands in his own way...
I admit, the characteristics are unsettling. Even if a neurotic person does not need medical help, he still feels uneasy.
The concept of neuroticism has been explored from all sides on the Internet by the best psychologists and psychotherapists who specialize in this area. But let's throw away all these complex definitions and cliches.
Personally, as a person who has lived all this from the inside, I can say this - a neurotic is a person who constantly needs emotions. It doesn’t matter whether the emotions are positive or negative, the main thing is that they exist.
The woman is neurotic.
According to many scientists, starting with S. Freud, the foundations for the formation of a neurotic personality are found in childhood.
The difference in the development of girls and boys affects the differences in the manifestation of neurosis in men and women.
Neurasthenia in women manifests itself in excessive responsibility, high sensitivity to criticism, intensity and duration of emotions and pronounced anxiety.
Hysteria is characterized by a low degree of determination and purposefulness, significant suggestibility and sensitivity, anxiety and lability.
Obsessive-compulsive neurosis contains responsibility, low levels of activity, self-confidence, determination, and focus; anxiety, suspiciousness, impressionability, sensitivity to criticism.
A neurotic needs a dose...
A neurotic person experiences the need for euphoria cyclically. Having received his dose of emotions today, and having enjoyed its aftertaste for some time, the neurotic goes for the next dose. And so on endlessly.
And each time the dose should be larger, while the aftertaste time becomes shorter and shorter. If there is no dose, then a terrible withdrawal begins, which is accompanied by anxiety, irritation, aggression, panic, fear, self-pity and other range of unpleasant emotions...
Does this remind you of anything? This reminds me of a drug addict. Only the dependence here is not on some prohibited substances, but on emotions.
Thus, I reduce my definition to the fact that a neurotic is an emotional addict who needs to be treated. But how?
I never found a clear answer to this question, so I had to create it myself. But more on this a little later, but for now we continue to understand who a neurotic is and what they eat with.
How to become neurotic
In searching for the roots of neurosis, it is not enough to take into account only actual psychotrauma. Such a straightforward relationship is observed relatively rarely. The occurrence of neurosis is usually determined not by a direct and immediate reaction of the individual to an unfavorable situation, but by a more or less prolonged processing by the given individual of the current situation and its consequences and the inability to adapt to new conditions. Also V.A. Gilyarovsky O. It is necessary that this trauma find a corresponding resonance in the personality structure . This means that the search for a specific mental structure predisposing to neurosis is productive. Consequently, “neuroses...usually arise from the collision of the forces of reality with an inadequate, infantile attitude, which, from a causal point of view, is characterized by an abnormal dependence on real or imaginary parents...”
Neurotic relationships
It is especially difficult for a neurotic to cope with personal love relationships. At the same time, a neurotic person needs them more than a healthy person. And in them he reveals himself as an unhealthy personality in all its colors.
In general, M. Labkovsky described neurotic relationships and the scenario according to which they develop best in the same book “I Want and I Will.” He did it schematically, with details and in five acts. If you are as neurotic as I was before, then in every act you can recognize yourself in almost every word.
I encourage you to read this book for yourself, but in short, this is the gist.
Act one. Start of a relationship
Usually this idyllic period is accompanied by falling in love and a certain euphoria. All this lasts for three months and is characterized by a complete lack of critical thinking in relation to the “object”.
When meeting a potential life partner, a neurotic, unlike a healthy person, falls in love with him immediately and, as it seems at first, forever. A neurotic person puts on rose-colored glasses and sees in his partner an ideal image that was created by him even before meeting a real person. And he wears them until he feels in love and gets his dose of emotions.
Act two. First difficulties...
Some people, when something in their partner doesn’t suit them, come up with a strange maternal idea - “we’ll fix this,” “we need to work on this a little,” “in my caring hands the guy will be unrecognizable.” Although they are not mothers to their boyfriends...
But this does not last long, because... The euphoria of falling in love ends very soon, and the first dissatisfaction with life, with your partner, with yourself appears. But no one canceled the need for a dose.
Act three. Conflicts
…
... and then it begins: dumping all the claims in bulk, remembering that a month ago something happened that you “immediately did not like,” vindictive details, heartbreaking details, personal insults...
And this is where the real thrill for a neurotic begins! Apocalypse, suffering, drowning in tears, etc., etc. There is no trace of love left, relationships are filled with claims, and sometimes hatred for each other.
On the subject: How to get a relationship back: real stories of ordinary people
The penultimate act. Fear of separation
You can, of course, remember that from love to hate there is only one step. But I'm sure that at the heart of the story, when you just loved each other, and then - bam! - and it’s all over, FEAR LIES...
At this stage, on the one hand, there is absolutely no joy left from the relationship, and on the other hand, the relationship continues to persist and no matter for what reason, in fact, because the addict simply cannot lose the source of his dose.
The last act. Parting
When you are afraid of separation and do nothing but try to avoid it, hush up problems, push comments and requests down your throat and reason according to the principle “if only there is no war” - this is all very noticeable. And paradoxically, as a result, this is precisely what causes the breakup. Your partner reads your fear and loves you less.
And it always ends the same way - with an overdose - we take some, sometimes initially even the most harmless situation, to the point of absurdity and the relationship ends. Less often we end them, more often our partner, exhausted by conflicts.
For some time you are in this state, reveling in self-pity, euphoria from your pain. And then, either carry these painful relationships with you for a long time, continuing to remember them, savoring the most emotionally difficult moments. Or you try to knock out a wedge with a wedge and, without recovering, without coming to your senses, without healing your wounds, you throw yourself into a new relationship, as if into a pool with your head, where you repeat everything according to the scenario that has been worked out over the years.
Sound familiar? So do I.
If your relationship has reached a dead end and you don’t see a way out, I recommend starting by learning an effective strategy for restoring a true love relationship >>>
Happy neurotic
I am always very pleased to observe how changes occur in a neurotic during the course of psychotherapy: at first they are almost imperceptible, then, gradually, those around the neurotic begin to notice them, and now, at the end of the course of therapy, the neurotic greets the next visitor as he leaves the office... “Why did he leave you so happy? Did you give him a happy pill there? What about me? I want it too!” - the newcomer is perplexed.
Are neurotics happy? As a result of treatment - yes!
Psychotherapist
Vitkin Mikhail Maratovich
Neurotic. Where it all begins
When I fully realized that I was neurotic, the first thing I tried to do was understand why I became one?
Many people say that all our troubles come from childhood. And in this case, I think there is some truth in this.
Psychologists say that from childhood, the behavior of our parents programs us for certain behavior in adulthood in relation to our partner. In the case of girls - the behavior of bad fathers who never praised or did not pay attention to their daughter and aggressive ones. In the case of boys - authoritarian mothers who did not pay attention to their son and were emotionally cold.
In both cases, this behavior of our parents cultivates in us low self-esteem, dislike for ourselves, makes us try to earn attention and love, neglecting our self-esteem.
Parents and our upbringing in childhood are not the only reasons that lead us to suffering in adulthood, but they are probably the most common. There are many more reasons, everyone has their own. Some people accept this as a fatal fate, accept their role as a victim and live with it, while others, realizing it, begin to fight. Like I once did.
Neurotic parents
The baby’s connection with his mother and father, as the most significant figures in early childhood, becomes the basis for the child’s mental development. Disagreement existing between parents as a result of the neurotic behavior of one or both of them has a constant negative impact on children from the moment they begin to feel the atmosphere of the family. The child takes on the role of a detective - he explores the hidden content of the parents' neurotic behavior and often comes to the conclusion that he himself is the cause of the parents' problems. Thus, he finds himself in a situation of contradictory influences, which can be generally reduced, for example, to the following alternative: “keep your distance from your father” and “mother is a weak person and you will hurt her.” The combination of irresponsibility and anxiety leads to helplessness in making decisions. At the same time, the child is hypercompensatory trying to get away from the despair that haunts him. The feeling of guilt is combined with confusion and may sound something like this: “I never did anything wrong!” - forming a neurotic personality.
Neuroticism and manipulation
My struggle with neuroticism began long before I knew what a neurotic was and realized that I was one.
Growing up, making various attempts to start relationships with men, I realized that I was bad at it. That men don’t give me what I want, don’t meet my expectations, and I tried to get from them what I needed through their training. There is no other name for such methods.
The Internet is full of coaches, psychologists, relationship experts who are generous with advice - “Don’t write first... if he wrote, don’t answer right away, wait... if he answered you after 20 minutes, answer him in 40...” and so on and so forth. But very soon I realized that it didn’t work! If there was any result, it was short-lived, and sometimes it was not there at all.
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And now I clearly understand why. Because these are all strategies using manipulations that generate counter manipulations. Normal relationships cannot be built on such methods. But you can further strengthen your neuroticism.
This, of course, could hardly be called a struggle. What happened during this period were rather the first signs that not everything was harmonious in my life and I needed to stop and listen to myself. But it was almost impossible to do this then. I didn’t have experience, knowledge and people nearby who would advise and guide me.
How to stop being neurotic
In psychotherapy, a fairly large number of methods are used to treat neurosis. It is important to understand, and those who read this article, I hope, already understand, that in order to obtain positive results, personal changes are required, changes in the structure of unconscious processes that are distorted in the process of personality formation. Most methods are aimed at working with childhood psychotraumas, starting with birth. Often, to achieve results, it is also necessary to work on the balance of the feminine and masculine parts of the personality, which are in conflict due to the upbringing received, a re-awareness of relationships with parents and attitudes towards oneself.
Neuroticism and relationship psychology
Very soon I discarded these methods and plunged deeper into the psychology of relationships. By that time, I realized that a systematic approach was needed here, and not just a few rules in communication, and I began to surf the Internet in search of interesting lecturers on this topic, including Vedic psychologists.
I was interested to hear about the principles of proper relationship building. But I very quickly cooled down to all this knowledge, because all these concepts - who owes what to whom, and what they shouldn’t - seemed somehow unnatural to me.
But there was an undoubted benefit to me from this experience. All of these lecturers, as one, spoke about certain stages in relationships that could last for years. They gave all sorts of recommendations on how to behave, how to present, how to accept, etc. And all this was not about me. For me everything has always been as I described above.
And for the first time I thought about myself, that something was wrong with me and there was no particular point in working with men or on relationships, because it was probably me.
In general, I realized that the problem is deeper, that it’s about me
and began to analyze her personality. And then more serious specialists came to my aid, who rely on scientific research and sort our psyche into pieces, telling us why we are the way we are. And it started to dawn on me.
On the subject: The illusion of reality: does this world and the people around us exist?
M. Labkovsky and neuroticism
There are many such specialists, they all talk differently about the same thing. And I consider Mikhail Labkovsky to be the most useful and adequate of them, to whom I have already referred more than once above in the text and plan to continue to do so. In my opinion, he spoke in the most accessible language about what neuroticism is and how it is eaten. In his lectures and books, he talks on his fingers about who a neurotic is.
A neurotic always needs that fly in the ointment in any, even the biggest barrel of honey. Discomfort, frustration, anger, resentment - feelings with which they are familiar, they are always at home with them. And what is typical is that they themselves do not know how to enjoy life, and they do not allow others to do so.
And what is a neurotic relationship?
The most important check: if after the first or second date, perhaps after sex, the guy/girl doesn’t call, “disappears,” then a healthy, NOT neurotic reaction is to immediately lose interest in this relationship. But no! For a neurotic, this is the beginning of great love.
In his book “I Want and Will” I saw the clearest description of my personality and the relationships that I had been building all my life. And there I found a lot of useful practical advice and instructions that are aimed at at least partially turning a neurotic into a healthy person.
On the subject: How to recognize your desires by following Labkovsky’s 6 rules?
Partly because there are no guarantees of recovery using psychological methods. And even M. Labkovsky hints that it is impossible to turn a neurotic into a healthy person and, most likely, does not qualify for the Nobel Prize.
It was the experience of a specialist I respected, as well as 2 years of personal consultations with my psychologist, that put an end to my relationship in psychology and made me think about what to do next.
I realized that there are improvements, they are quite serious, but they promise me the prospect of spending a whole life adjusting my personality, or maybe two... but I don’t have that much time, I want to be happy now
.
I also realized that in this plane I would not be able to achieve the desired result - to find a sense of inner happiness and healthy, serious love relationships. And do you know why?
Yes, because psychology has its own ceiling, against which it rests. And only when I realized this and the fact that I had to go beyond the logical and the usual, the material, then the magic began.
The power is in thought
By going beyond, I mean realizing that I myself create my own reality. I create what I think about most of the time. Everything that happens to me is the result of my personal choice.
Today something happens to me that I thought about yesterday. Tomorrow what I think about today will happen to me.
I am the only creator of my life. And I myself have chosen and choose my personal life or lack thereof, my environment and my health with the help of my words, thoughts, beliefs and feelings.
I won’t go into detail on each item listed now; you can find articles on all these topics on this blog.
On the subject: The power of human thought: how thoughts can become reality
Let me just remind you now that no one forces us to think what we don’t want and what brings us suffering. No one forces us to experience feelings that torment us, no one forces us to create our reality in a way that we don’t like, to constantly carry with us a burden from the past that no longer exists and associate ourselves with it.
No one except our mind, which we are not.
And now we will look at this point in more detail. I will tell you exactly what you need to do to become happy once and for all. Ready? Go!
Beat the mind with a stick!
So, the first thing you need to realize now is that neuroticism is created by the mind, and the mind is not you.
The mind is just a tool that was given to you for your happy life, and which you can control. And it is you who decide when he should work for your benefit, and when to remain silent and not interfere with your enjoyment of life.
And if your mind makes you suffer, you just need to educate it, like parents raise their children.
Then, having realized this simple truth, you need to begin to control the work of your mind, monitor the thoughts it thinks and nip in the bud any attempts to think about what upsets you.
How to do this, you ask? After all, tens of thousands of thoughts fly through our heads every day and it’s simply impossible to keep track of them all! And I have an answer to this question - just monitor the sensations in your body.
If you feel good, have positive emotions, you are thinking in the right direction, thinking thoughts that lead you to your goals. And it gives you a pleasant feeling.
And if you feel bad, if you are overcome by fear, panic, anxiety, self-pity - this means that now you are thinking what you do not want. What accelerates increases your neuroticism and provokes reactions and behaviors in you that generally make you unhappy.
And all you need to do when you realize that a wrong thought has settled in your head is just find it and stop thinking about it.
On the subject: Positive thinking: how and why does it need to be learned?
Thus, simply by paying attention to how you feel, you will be able to control how your mind works.
And here you can, quite reasonably, remind me that it is easy to say - just stop thinking the wrong thought. How to do it?
This seems impossible when you are already in the grip of emotions, apathy or depression, when you believe that the universe and the whole world are unfair to you. When you are offended and feel your aggression. When you are completely at the mercy of the mind, which has taken the reins of power over you in “its own hands” and carries you along the waves of emotions, anticipating euphoria.
Impossible, but not for you and me! Yes, it is very difficult, being in the midst of emotions, to realize that something is wrong. But, if you are reading this article, then you are already aware enough to suspect something is wrong and begin to change the course of events.
How? Fortunately or unfortunately, a neurotic always needs someone who will share with him the approaching wave of negativity. And this person, in most cases, is against it. And his protest will be a signal for you that you are in trouble and need to slow down and rein in your raging mind.
Before I tell you about my methods of slowing down and returning ourselves to a normal state, let's look at how we end up in an abnormal state in the first place.
How the mind makes mountains out of molehills
I have already said above that a neurotic is an emotional addict and that, with a certain frequency, he needs a dose of, as a rule, negative emotions.
The easiest way for our mind to get negative emotions is to come up with, write in our heads a wonderful and, even better, unrealistic scenario for the reversal of some events with the participation of the closest people. Don't tell anyone about this. And then indirectly blame these people, especially a loved one, for the fact that everything is not going the way we want, expressing our indignation at them about this.
Indirectly, because a neurotic never speaks directly about his intentions. A neurotic person is closed to the world and communicates with it only through manipulation. And this makes it almost impossible to find a harmonious relationship with anyone.
At the moment when the neurotic’s expectations are not met, he begins to feel sorry for himself, feels resentful, gets angry and aggressive. And it is by working with these destructive feelings that I propose to begin our inhibition.
Types of neurotics
In general, neurotics are divided into three main categories:
- I want but I can not
- I want it, but I can’t afford it
- want Want want!!! - give!!!
What does it mean? Due to constitutional and psychotypical characteristics, people are very different from each other. When these pronounced differences cross a certain line of comfortable existence, this becomes noticeable not only to themselves (they experience a certain discomfort), but also to those around them. In this state, they can shock others by expressing their experiences in a form characteristic of them.
“I want to get a promotion, earn more, relax in beautiful places, but I can’t lift my butt off the couch, and not because I’m lazy, but because I simply don’t have the strength.” Once you start something, you discover that the efforts spent on the decision to start were accompanied by such nervous tension that it took away all your strength.
This is astheno-neurotic neurosis (syndrome).
“I want to take a survival course in the forest, but as soon as I imagine what dangers and difficulties I will have to overcome, how I will worry about the iron I left at home, and the poorly locked door, my thoughts begin to run in a spiral, not just closing in a circle, but , with each turn creating new alarms. At the same time, it is a little calming to perform the usual (sometimes meaningless) rituals, such as pulling the handle of the front door 7 times, making sure that it is locked, etc.
This is an obsessive neurosis.
- I want everything, and right now! What? - Total!!! And immediately!!! Himself! Beautiful, rich, tasty, so that it was - Ah!! And if not, I will sob, throw my head back beautifully, gnaw at the wall, faint, etc. And just try not to react - you will be to blame for my death... or life, unhappy, of course...
This is hysterical neurosis.
From theory to practice
The simplest, fastest and most effective way to deal with resentment is through a practice called the 13 steps of radical forgiveness.
Watch the video, answer the questions and realize that the unpleasant feelings that were possessing you are beginning to subside. If necessary, you can repeat this procedure twice. It usually helps me the first time.
video here
Then, when you are more or less back to normal, continue the cleansing with one of my favorite Ho'oponopono meditations. This technique is well written about in this article.
You can purchase recordings of this meditation and play it whenever the need arises.
And meditation on opening your heart and attracting love will help you consolidate your calm emotional state and, moreover, raise you to high vibrations and fill your life with love.
And then, when you are already completely normal, realize what thought pushed you to neurosis. Find it, maybe it’s your negative attitude and replace it with a good one, even better, rewrite it.
Read more about negative attitudes here >>>
Perform these practices every time you experience unpleasant sensations in your body from wrong thoughts, when you feel the approach of a neurotic attack and understand that you are about to burst into flames like a match. Or when you have already suffered and someone close to you “screams” to you that the situation is heating up and you are one step away from the irreparable.
This is not an easy daily job, but if you work hard, you will soon learn to track your states and thoughts, easily control your mind and create the reality in which you want to live every day.
Well, did you recognize yourself in the article? Were you able to overcome your neuroticism? Share your thoughts and experiences on this topic in the comments.
