On Sunday, August 9, at 10:10, the MIR TV channel will start showing the multi-episode television series “It Can’t Get Better.” The main character Victoria is used to living in abundance and prosperity. She has an exemplary husband and child, a beautiful and rich house, cheerful and successful friends. And possible problems have been resolved for years to come. But it suddenly turns out that fate gave her all this on credit. Now it's time to pay the bills. The husband unexpectedly announces that he has found someone else. And Vika is forced to start a new life. Without money, with a child, she moves to live with her son’s nanny. And gradually he learns the real price of everything: money, meanness, and love.
A still from the television series “It Can’t Get Better.” Director: Evgeny Semenov. 2015
Watch the first episode of the film “It Can’t Get Better” on Sunday, August 9, at 10:10 on the MIR TV channel.
Stories like this don't only happen in movies. Psychologists, psychotherapists and coaches spoke in an interview with a MIR 24 correspondent about how a woman can survive her husband’s departure in real life.
“Pain, despair, suffering, disappointment, anger, misunderstanding of the meaning of long-term life - these are the first emotions experienced by a woman after her husband leaves. For whatever reasons a divorce may occur, no matter how prepared people are for it, the emotions experienced by a person are sometimes akin to those that occur upon the death of a loved one,” says family psychologist-consultant Natalya Trukhina
.
Of course, there is a difference in what year the divorce occurred and what obligations the spouses are burdened with. If two or three years have passed, there are no children, no jointly acquired property, then in such a situation it is much easier to survive what happened. Only personal emotions and feelings are seething here. When, during the marriage, children are born to the spouses, they have acquired some property, or they have other joint obligations, then, in addition to emotions, problems arise that fall - on one or both - with a heavy burden.
“In any case, the departure of a husband is a difficult psychological moment, accompanied by depression, irritability, unwillingness to accept the situation, resentment, and hatred,” says Natalya Trukhina. – It is possible and even necessary to understand such a woman. Support and help are important at this time.”
Natural suffering
Sometimes, after a month of experiences, a woman begins to feel that the suffering has been too long, that it is high time to forget everything and start living in a new way.
However, it is natural to suffer and feel the pain of loss.
Cheating and leaving a man is a small death and must be experienced.
This is always a tragic event, which is accompanied by pain, disappointment, loss of trust, a feeling that you have been betrayed, humiliated, treated unfairly, abandoned, rejected. And what can we say about hurt pride and pride...
Parting is especially difficult when you have years of marriage behind you.
Many women in this dramatic situation ask themselves the following questions:
- how to live further?
- how to survive betrayal?
- how to cope with pain?
- how to find the strength not to run after a man and not ask him to come back?
- and, in the end, how to believe that life is not over, that new meetings and new love are possible?
Very often, a woman lacks simple knowledge about the natural stages of experiencing loss. She doesn’t understand how to continue to live, how to behave.
In such a situation, you need to know that when we break up, our psyche goes through certain stages of experiences.
Cheating and leaving a man is a small death...
What to do if your husband leaves for another woman
After the door slams behind the man, the farewell words hang in the air, the woman is left alone with questions: “Why did my husband leave for another? So what's now? How to survive this?
If the spouses lived together for many years, made plans, then words like: “Don’t cry, forget him, you will find someone else even better, everything will be fine,” do not bring the desired consolation. After all, it turns out that not only does the woman have no future together, but her present has also become somehow blurred and unclear. She begins to blame herself for everything that happened, remembering that she often made scandals and was offended over trifles. However, such torment will not help to return your spouse. But does a woman need a man who overnight betrayed her and destroyed everything that they had created together for years - a question that should be thought about. In general, instead of useless soul-searching, a woman should calm down, realize and analyze her mistakes in order to prevent them from happening in the future.
You need to let go of the situation and look at it from the other side. With one in which a woman is now free and independent. And find many advantages in this.
First, wipe away your tears, relax and imagine how streams of cool, clean water wash away problems and failures.
Of course, it’s difficult to accept the fact that a man left, abandoned, betrayed, did not appreciate. But this means that another young man, reliable and loving, may appear in a woman’s life. You should not cling to the past, otherwise you may not notice the present and miss the future.
Five stages of bereavement (loss) of a loved one
Stage 1. Denial
This could have happened to anyone, but not to me!
You've probably heard about similar stories, but you find it hard to believe that this happened to you. Separation and impending loneliness are so frightening that you don’t understand how to live on. During this period, a person does not experience pain; he seems to become impervious to pain. The person does not understand what happened.
Stage 2. Anger
How could he do this to me? I don't deserve this kind of treatment!
Sadness and misunderstanding turn into rage, and you are sometimes frightened by the intensity of your hatred for your ex-partner. Because of resentment and bitterness, injustice and humiliation, you feel helpless and very angry. Anger is always a defense against more painful feelings living inside you.
Stage 3. Activity
You start to think: “What if?..”
You are looking for possible options to get rid of pain and change a terrible situation. These searches cause a surge of energy. You become creative. Take every chance to restore your relationship.
There is an awareness of your mistakes and hope for correcting them.
Many women come to a psychologist just at this moment with a request to return their husband. With a great desire to change, to become different. Or they begin to negotiate with God or the Universe, promising to do anything if the relationship is restored. Some turn to fortune tellers and clairvoyants.
But all actions are in vain. Nothing changes.
Stage 4. Depression, loneliness
After a rise in energy and an emotional outburst, even deeper disappointment and severe devastation sets in.
Powerful sense of loss, loneliness
, sadness, powerlessness, inability to change anything and general fatigue from the world - this is what a woman feels at this stage. She has difficulty getting up in the morning to go to work or do household chores.
of depression appear
: lack of appetite, sometimes – reluctance to see or communicate with anyone, as well as tears, insomnia or, conversely, constant drowsiness.
Stage 5. Acceptance of the situation and the desire to get out of this state. Journey within yourself
A strong desire to heal leads you to serious work on yourself. You begin to analyze your relationships, your life, yourself. A natural question arises: “Why did all this happen to me?”
You begin to look for ways to heal emotional wounds, let go of the past, forgive everyone, reconnect with your self and find peace in your soul.
This is the final step that allows you to move on - from divorce to a new, happy life.
And I also want to tell you: do not pay attention to the words of your friends that you should shake yourself up and pull yourself together. Now it is very important for you to go through all the stages of grief. Remember: “The night is always darkest before the dawn.”
Loss is a very painful test in a woman’s life, but it leads to internal transformation and purification of the soul.
When going through all these stages, it is very important that you have people around you who are ready to support and understand you. The person who will help you understand everything that happened will guide you through all the difficulties of separation.
Who is this? A close friend, mother, spiritual teacher, psychologist - it doesn’t matter. The main thing is that you should feel that you are not left alone with your suffering.
Common mistakes
If your husband leaves, how to survive a divorce is not the only question you need to ask. You need to make sure that the experience gained is beneficial and does not spoil your potential new relationship. To do this, you need to avoid the mistakes that women most often make in such situations. The most common of them:
- Attempts to completely switch to a career. This will have a good effect on your finances and help you avoid worries, but it will ruin your relationships with family and friends and reduce your chances of finding new love. Try to find a balance between work and communication with other people.
- Numerous novels. A few flings and even a lover can really help you ease the pain and hurt, but don't let these hobbies completely take over your life. You will be able to build strong relationships only some time after the divorce, and each new fleeting romance will reduce your chances of true love.
- Public jealousy. Even if it’s hard for you to cope with your husband’s departure and it hurts to see him with another woman, don’t let him understand this. Moreover, you should not pursue him and try to ruin his life together with his new chosen one - this may make their feelings even stronger.
- Involving children. Do not involve your child in your disputes with your husband; even after a divorce, he should still have a loving father. Stories about how ugly dad acted can instill in children an aversion to the very institution of marriage and problems in future relationships. And if the child really loves his father, your attempts to turn him against his father may lead to a deterioration in your relationship with him.
- Frequent mention of ex-husband in new relationships. There is no need to constantly complain to your new chosen one about your ex-spouse, much less often compare them with each other. The past should not spoil your present and future.
- Trying to meet my husband without a clear goal. If you just want to see each other, but do not understand whether you are going to renew the relationship, it is better not to make an appointment. Often the reason for looking for meetings is jealousy, resentment and loneliness, and with such negative preconditions, a long-awaited date will not bring you any positive results.
- Excessive reflection. A breakup is always a reason to reevaluate yourself and try to become better, but you don’t need to get too carried away with introspection. Too many wives blame only themselves for divorce, even in cases where the husband was openly unfaithful and completely ignored the needs of the family.
Stop suffering
The acute experience of grief usually lasts a year. It takes about three years to completely recover from pain. If your suffering has been prolonged, it’s time to think.
If you suffer for a LONG time over the man who left you, you cannot let him go, or accept the situation - you are emotionally dependent on the relationship and the man. Getting out of any addiction
never simple.
Any addiction dooms you to suffering.
Deep down you know that there is another life and you can live differently. But for some reason you think that this is not for you. It's like being at a table full of delicious dishes and not deciding to try any of them. Do you know why? Because you have never had the experience of a long-term, joyful and deep relationship.
If you worry about a departed man for a long time, then your worries do not heal you, but, on the contrary, destroy you and your life. For you, love is associated with suffering. While you, in agony, think about him, you maintain the illusion of a relationship. It’s as if you continue to be in a relationship with him, although in reality you don’t have one. By not making space, you are preventing other people and things from coming into your life. Only emptiness can be filled. In addition, your energy continues to be spent on maintaining non-existent relationships, and there is no energy left for improving your own life.
The inability to separate brings suffering. To stop suffering means to truly separate
.
Most likely, the thought of breaking up is simply unbearable for you. But remember - by holding hope in your soul, you close off the opportunity for yourself to become happy.
It is addiction that makes separation impossible. And you must understand this.
To give up hope, to let go, means to stop giving energy to nowhere.
This means starting to take care of yourself and take care of your energy reserves. Clear your space of what you don't need and make room for new things .
“He left me” or “we broke up”?
Agree that how you experience your breakup depends on your perception. “If you say “he abandoned me, he left me for someone else,” then this is clearly the perception of a victim and an abandoned toy, and as a result, you experience helplessness and resentment,” says psychologist and coach Liliya Levitskaya
. “If you say to yourself, ‘It didn’t work out for us, we broke up,’ then this is a completely different formulation of the question.”
According to the psychologist, the departure of one person from a couple is always a consequence of a disease in the system, which means something important was either missed from the very beginning or did not work out in the process, and this is already a reason for serious reflection. It is needed in order to differentiate responsibility, to understand yourself and him. And experience the pain, and as a result, first let go, and then, after some time, build new relationships without the burden of old grievances.”
During the experience, it will be important to see how you chose each other, whether you were real in the relationship, and whether it was really good for the two of you in this relationship. After all, the stamp in the passport is only the very beginning of the project, and this project can either succeed or fail, this is normal. For everything to work out, the contribution and desire of both is important.
“If it’s difficult to cope on your own, then it’s better to turn to a specialist in order to talk through your pain and understand your experience, free yourself from unnecessary things and allow yourself to continue to be happy,” says the coach.
Need for a man
In dependent relationships, separation is impossible because only with the presence of another can you feel safe.
One of my clients, who for years could not forget her husband, who had left for another woman, during our meetings remembered how, as a child, she every time hoped and waited for another man to leave her mother’s life.
He left, and my mother emotionally returned to her again, until the next novel. And, having already become an adult woman, after breaking up with the man, she continued to hope that he would not be able to live with another, that he would realize how much he loved her and would return. The idea that he no longer loved her was not “digested” by her.
A child can hardly bear the lack of love, so hope continues to live in women’s hearts for a very long time. On the one hand, hope helps a person in certain moments, but on the other hand, on the contrary, it hinders.
Only when you understand that you cannot influence the situation and a miracle will not happen, can you accept that the man has stopped loving you, only then will you begin to heal. After losing hope, you will experience real grief. It is in this feeling that your real experience of loss will begin.
Hopelessness is when on the fortieth day you stand at the grave of a loved one and realize that he is no longer there and will NEVER be. At this very moment you discover a huge gaping inner emptiness and wound.
Hope can live for a long time, hiding in a corner of your heart, gradually destroying you and depriving you of the opportunity to be happy.
How to live further if you don’t want anything?
Elena Vos, coach
— A new period in life will be marked by your motivation. This is the main engine of all our affairs. She encourages action. Remember physics lessons from high school? No object will move from its place without the application of internal or external force. This is why we need motivation.
Often at this stage it seems that we have no motivation, because there are no desires and goals. And I don’t want anything at all. Old goals do not work, and there is no strength, no desire, no concentration to create new ones.
So, there are four types of motivation. Open your notepad on a new page and write 1. 2. 3. 4 in the column.
Motivation can be internal and external. It is also divided into positive and negative. Thus, we have four options for motivation.
Motivation 1 is internal positive. These are our desires, dreams, goals. When we want something, when we actively strive for something, then nothing can hold us back or stop us. I want that, period - we categorically declare and direct the flow of energy towards the implementation of our plans.
This motivation is the most environmentally friendly. It has its origins in our positive desires. Helps you move forward and open new horizons.
What to do if you are not ready for this yet? Use other motivation, but don't stop.
Motivation 2 is externally positive. This is help, motivation and support from the environment. We have already said how important it is to communicate with positive, interested people, friends or family. And also do something for others.
External motivators can be children, loved ones, work. Those. it is someone or something that you are willing to live for and give joy to.
Motivation 3 is internal negative. Sometimes negative motivation arises on its own, especially in a situation like this. For example, you want to prove that you can do it yourself. And don’t let separation from your husband put an end to you. You want to be strong. Or maybe even take revenge.
The desire for revenge is not environmentally friendly. Although it often inspires action. Try to use your burst of motivation for peaceful purposes. Limit your negative dreams to writing a script: model on paper the development of a situation in which you take revenge on your ex-husband for the grief he caused you. This will help you release your emotions and understand the consequences. Believe me, if you seriously consider the possible course of events, you will understand that the motivation for revenge can cause harm, not good.
However, why not prove that you can cope with life and problems yourself. Therefore, if you feel internal negative motivation, channel it in a good direction. Why not start life over again, with a clean slate?
Motivation 4 - external negative. These are forced circumstances. Things labeled “must” that we are obliged to do.
Yes, the word “should” is not the most pleasant motivator, but it’s not the worst either. By acting under orders or under pressure, we can achieve certain results. To prevent negative external motivation from prevailing, when planning, limit its duration. Look for a more interesting scenario.
Often in practice we come across combinatorial options. When several types of motivation operate simultaneously. This is fine. We do something because we want, something because we have to, something for others.
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Look back
If you look back at your relationship with a man... Most likely, it was not joyful, in your heart you were unhappy and did not feel happy next to him. You had many complaints against him; you probably considered him unworthy of yourself. When you were next to him, you had reasons to suffer; your partner could not make you completely happy.
You always lacked something in your relationship; it seemed to you that the man didn’t love you enough and didn’t pay enough attention to you. You didn’t feel happy with him, and perhaps you even dreamed of life without him, and when he left, you realized how much you loved him. Tenderness and love have awakened in your soul. There are many reasons for such polar feelings. This is also your pride, which always wanted more than a man could give. This is also your fear of losing him. The desire to return.
Whatever is behind it, one thing is important. If you have been experiencing betrayal for a long time and your condition has dragged on, then this means only one thing: it’s time to think about your life. And, therefore, start searching for yourself. Realize your life without a man.
What to do?
So, how to survive your husband leaving for someone else if the husband is not going to return. How to forget your husband? Under no circumstances should you engage in self-criticism. You shouldn’t say: “I love you, that’s all.” You are a beautiful, charming and attractive woman. You must ignite that spark that could go out under the yoke of everyday life. Life doesn't revolve around one man.
First of all, you should change your external image. For example, update your wardrobe, hairstyle, lose weight or get a sexy tattoo. Choose brighter clothes, put a smile on your face and go conquer the world. If you finally decide to forget him, throw away everything connected with the person who left for another. Erase it from your head, from your life, from your heart. Why do you need to remember him again? Tear up or burn photos of you together. Throw away his things: tools, shirts, underpants. There is no need to refer them to him. He doesn't deserve it.
Leave the house, walk more on the street, in the park or in the forest. Avoid being alone for long periods of time. Meet with friends at a club, cafe, or have a get-together at home with a friend. When you are alone, think positively - there can be much worse, and this is not the worst situation.
You need to talk it out. It’s great if you have a smart friend who can help put everything in its place and calm you down. Contact her. Choose who you talk to carefully. If there is no such thing, then you need to go to a specialist. Be sure to listen to the advice of a psychologist. In a very difficult moment, you can call a helpline or a psychological help center. It is possible that in your circle of close friends there are people who have experienced betrayal. Talk to them, ask for advice and find out how long it took them to regain meaning in life.
Gynecologists advise getting tested for sexually transmitted diseases and other diseases. It would also be useful to clarify the presence of pregnancy. If you face threats from your husband or in the event of a divorce, you will need to seek legal help from another specialist.
How to cope with your husband's departure, how to behave
The first days after my husband leaves are the most difficult. Self-flagellation will not help. We need to find the strength to make our own changes, support our children (they should not feel guilty), and restore spiritual harmony.
Advice from psychologists will help with this:
| Way | Action |
| Self improvement | This is done in different directions:
|
| Focus on children | Prevent your children from taking the blame for the divorce and feeling left out:
|
| Finding the positives | In any situation there are positive sides, you need to find them:
|
How to return your spouse to the family: tips
You have a significant advantage - knowledge of your partner’s habits, character and weaknesses. In addition, there will be time to rethink many things and actions. But you need to be prepared for the fact that the return of a husband who left the family is only half the victory. It is important to learn how to keep your marriage at the highest level so as not to lose your loved one again.
Please note: it is much easier to return the husband who left you than to prevent divorce.
Where to start:
- Understand the reason for leaving.
- Stop being a victim.
- Establish communication with your spouse.
- Reconsider intimate relationships.
- Create a better version of yourself.
- Attract the attention of other men.
An improved version of you will definitely arouse your husband's interest, and the attention of new fans will provoke jealousy. All men are owners, and this can be used to their own advantage.
They returned it, and then what?
When your husband returns, at first you will experience euphoria. But then calm down and the resentment may remind itself again.
That's why:
- do not reproach your husband for cheating;
- be patient. This is your best ally in this situation. You won’t be able to completely forgive and let go of an offense in a day or a month;
- learn to trust your partner again. Groundless suspicions and accusations, as well as total control, will destroy the fragile happiness that was built.
