The average life expectancy in Russia in 2021 is 73.34 years. 100 years ago she was almost 30 years younger - 42 years old. Most of us will become widowed in old age: according to Rosstat data for 2018, there are 688 widows and 258 widowers per thousand people 70 years and older. American psychiatrists Thomas Holmes and Richard Ray consider the death of a spouse in old age to be the most difficult test in life - in their stress scale it ranks first, and the severity of the experience is assessed at a maximum of 100 points. But almost any stress can be relieved. “Taki Dela” learned how to support loved ones and not burn out while helping others.
Photo: Unsplash.com
The path to a new life. Attitudes towards death in different cultures
Mourning for the deceased should not last a lifetime. Only frankly stupid people can judge a woman who decides to start over and start a new family.
Our attitude towards death is determined by culture. Many beliefs perceive life as cyclical, the future goes hand in hand with the past, death is just one of the stages.
The religions of the East - Buddhism, Jainism, Hinduism - are built on the idea of reincarnation, the transmigration of souls. According to reincarnation, we live several earthly lives, each life is an experience and test, the passage of which determines the subsequent fate of a person.
Christianity and Islam are built on the concept of a straight path - from birth to the highest judgment, which inevitably awaits everyone at the end. Here it is customary to pray for the deceased, visit cemeteries, and commemorate people on the day of death.
Almost all religions agree on one thing - suffering for the deceased can become his “anchor”; they prevent the soul from moving on.
Stages of coming to terms with the death of a beloved spouse
The human psyche is capable of recovering from any incident. Accepting the death of a spouse goes through five stages. This is a long path, and the help of loved ones or specialists will help you get through it to the end without getting stuck at any of the stages.
The five stages of grief, which at first seem insurmountable, will be left behind, opening the way to a new life.
Pain
Pain is the first emotional experience that a woman who has lost her beloved husband faces. This pain can be consuming, deafening, and leaves behind scorched ashes. The woman feels empty inside, and every memory of her husband, which invariably flashes in her mind, causes a new attack of mental pain.
The pain waves subside gradually. They leave behind a misunderstanding, which becomes the beginning of a new stage.
Negation
Denial can be expressed to a greater or lesser extent. It is a defensive reaction of the psyche, for which what is happening is too strong a blow.
Awareness does not come immediately; consciousness accepts the sad news gradually. The process of awareness proceeds faster if a woman is organizing a funeral and communicates with friends and relatives of the deceased. However, in cases where the bitter news was found far from a loved one, when a message about death was received by telephone or mail, the consciousness may refuse to perceive the information.
Then the woman begins to deceive herself, suggesting that a mistake occurred, other people died in the tragedy, and her husband miraculously remained alive. Unfortunately, in this case, the psyche will be subject to a double blow when the terrible news is finally confirmed.
Aggression
When the wife of the deceased is unable to deny what is happening, she may be overwhelmed with emotions such as rage, irritation, anger, indignation and, sometimes, envy of families where both spouses are alive.
Relatives and friends should understand that this stage is a manifestation of the widow’s state of shock. If a woman suddenly reacts to attempts at consolation with an outburst of aggression, you should be patient - this is a tired, depressed psyche trying to relieve the tension at least a little.
Anger is an insidious and dangerous feeling. The widow, spurred on by anger, tries to find those to blame for what happened, often blaming herself first. Self-flagellation is expressed in thoughts: “I am to blame! I should have done differently! If it weren't for me, he would be alive."
One’s own actions before the tragedy are assessed biasedly, with particular severity.
Depression
Aggression towards the whole world is replaced by a depressive state. At this stage, the colors of reality fade, the irreversibility of grief occupies all the woman’s thoughts. She is left alone with the collapsed hopes of the past, in return for which, as it seems to her, she receives only melancholy for the rest of her days.
At the stage of depression, environmental support plays a huge role. The painful state dries up emotionally, the widow stops crying and screaming, there is no strength left for these manifestations of emotions. There may be a fading of all previous interests, a lack of reactions to any news.
The stage is characterized by the longest duration.
The end of depression marks the final awareness of what is happening, which is the next stage.
Adoption
Acceptance is the end of a difficult cycle, the last stage, followed by relief.
The widow is fully aware that the person is gone forever, the old feelings have completely spilled out. At this stage, a woman is able to think about the future, about her prospects without the previous support.
The acceptance stage is often called the humility stage. It usually takes about 2 years to complete the stage.
How to survive grief after the death of your beloved husband and not go crazy
How to survive the death of your beloved husband if the new living conditions seem absolutely unbearable? The first thing to do is to know what feelings you might be dealing with. You need to try to analyze them soberly, and not be afraid to talk about them with your family.
The most difficult period is a month after the fact of loss. At this time, a person, like an exposed nerve, reacts extremely painfully and is subject to the destructive influence of his own negative thoughts.
Feeling of injustice
The feeling that widows most often face is that of injustice. A woman begins to live with an eye to the past, which is seen in an ideal light. Familiar married couples, lovers on the streets, even movie actors raise a silent question: “Why are they doing well, what did I do to deserve such grief?”
In order not to remain captive to this issue, you need to expand your social circle, spend less time alone, and try to look at the loss from a different perspective. If you can’t do this on your own, the best solution would be to contact a psychologist.
Feeling of betrayal and resentment
The psyche may react with resentment towards the deceased, with anger because he “left” too early. A woman may feel that her lover has left her alone, that his death is a selfish act.
Often the widow understands that she has no right to be offended, but is unable to redirect her emotions. It should be remembered that this period has its own time frame, the resentment will pass, especially if the person is actively trying to cope with it.
Guilt
Self-flagellation and blaming yourself for what happened can lead to a severe nervous breakdown. A woman may begin to analyze the events before the tragedy, thinking that she could have changed everything if she had acted differently in some situation. She forbids herself to rejoice and laugh, overcome by a feeling of guilt, believing that by smiling she is betraying the deceased.
It is worth writing a letter to your husband, describing your experiences in detail. Ask for forgiveness for past offenses, write that you also forgive him for everything, wish him peace. The letter should be taken to the cemetery, read aloud, or simply left at the monument.
It must be taken into account that there are no “right” feelings in such a situation and cannot be. Reactions are individual, but they need to be worked through so as not to leave the situation as a broken person and not to prolong negative experiences for many years.
Butterflies, rainbows and the culture of transformation
Our culture's ignorance about grief comes from many sources. There is so much behind these simplifying, seemingly harmless platitudes! We have already talked about the perception of grief as a problem that needs to be solved: it is on this idea that most of the statements of others about your condition are based. But the roots of our culture unfamiliar with grief lie deeper. The widespread adoption of a misunderstood medical model is just the beginning.
A quick internet search for the words “grief” or “suffering” turns up hundreds of thousands of memes with rainbows, positive messages, and phrases like “this too shall pass.”
We acknowledge that difficult things happen, but we are confident that with due diligence and the right attitude, everything will be great again. After all, our books and films about the aftermath of tragedy usually feature a widower or a grieving mother who, by the end of the story, feels even better than before. If sometimes everything seems a little sad or bitter, that's normal, because the main character has now learned what is truly important in life.
An inconsolable parent does a lot of work on himself after the death of a child, and just think - otherwise this would not have happened. A terrible, deadly disaster almost destroyed the entire family, but at least brought it together. Everything always works out for the better.
Part of our culture's strange relationship with grief comes from a seemingly innocent source: entertainment.
All our cultural stories are stories of transformation. Stories of redemption. Books, feature films and documentaries, children's fairy tales, even the fairy tales we tell ourselves - they all end on a positive note. We demand a happy ending. If it didn’t happen, it’s the main character’s fault. Nobody wants to read a book where the main character continues to suffer at the end.
We believe in fairy tales and Cinderella stories, where, thanks to perseverance and effort, everything turns out well. We face adversity with our heads held high. We don't let adversity weaken us, at least not for long.
Our heroes, real and fictional, are examples of courage in the face of pain. On the contrary, villains and unpleasant characters usually refuse to overcome their pain.
Our culture is a culture of overcoming.
Bad things happen, but we come out of crisis situations better than we were before. These are the stories we tell each other, and not just on screens.
Social science researcher Brené Brown argues that we live in a “Gilded Age of Failure,” where recovery stories are fetishized by their redemptive ending, obscuring all the darkness and struggle that precedes it.
Our cultural narrative tells us that adversity helps us grow beyond ourselves and that no matter how dire the situation may seem, the end result is always worth the struggle. You will reach the final, you just have to believe. The happy ending will be brilliant.
People experiencing grief experience impatience from others precisely because they are not following the coping program that our culture dictates.
If you don't "transform", if you don't find beauty in your suffering, you are a failure. And if you don’t have time to make this narrative transition from tragedy to transformation before we get distracted by something new, then you’re living wrong.
In real life and the stories we tell, there is a non-disclosure agreement. In our culture, people don't want to hear about anything that can't be fixed. There is a reluctance in our culture to know about pain that will not be rewarded. But there are things you have to learn to live with - and this is not a happy ending. No matter how many rainbows and butterflies you throw into the plot, many stories don't end well.
How to cope with the emotional loss of a loved one yourself
How to get out of depression after the death of your husband without resorting to the help of a psychotherapist? There are several effective tips, but it is strongly recommended to turn to specialists if it seems that your own strength is running out.
First of all, understand that your husband would not want you to live a life of despair and tears. You have to start all over again, for the sake of him, yourself, family and friends.
Vigorous activity and a regular change of environment will help you overcome your apathetic mood. It takes time to feel the effect of all actions.
1 Try not to close yourself off from your friends. Communicate on distant topics.
2 Keep yourself and your apartment in shape, don’t forget to exercise, and clean regularly.
3 Find a community of women who have experienced a similar tragedy. It will be much easier to cope with grief together.
4 Avoid alcohol.
5 Spend more time on existing hobbies, find a new hobby.
6 Sign up for a spiritual practice. Yoga, qigong, tai chi are perfect.
Father or psychologist?
Clergymen help many people cope with trouble. Religion teaches that one cannot mourn the dead for a long time, since their souls suffer greatly from the tears of the living. Moreover, all religions talk about this. Listening to the priest, the woman is imbued with this thought and begins to try to control her feelings.
The belief that a loved one does not die forever and that his soul will remember her can literally resurrect a grief-stricken widow.
She comes to terms with his death and begins to sincerely believe that life does not end there, but simply passes into another form. Regular visits to church, religious rituals for the repose of her husband’s soul, prayers, and reading spiritual literature greatly help a widow to find peace of mind.
What signs indicate that specialist help is required?
You cannot do without the help of a psychologist when a woman feels that her own strength is running out. An inconsolable state that lasts several months can be an alarming sign of the onset of depression. Depression requires mandatory treatment under the supervision of an experienced doctor.
You should definitely seek help if you begin to have nightmares at night or your sleep becomes restless and does not bring strength. If support from loved ones is not enough, this is also a good reason to consult a doctor.
Advice from a psychologist: how to get out of depression and get back to life
Expert opinion
Lavrova Tatyana
Rehabilitation specialist, psychologist
To find the strength to live on, you need to see a clear goal in front of you. A man without a goal is a ship without a helm, so a widow especially needs a goal. Aspirations in life will help you come to terms with your loss and regain your energy and joy. With its help, a frozen life will begin to move again, new acquaintances will appear, and the pain will dull.
The following can help you achieve your goal:
- Mastering a new skill, expanding your range of interests;
- Journey;
- Participation in charity events;
- Watching motivational films;
- Playing sports, taking care of appearance;
Appeal to God. Advice from a priest
Father Vladimir
Clergyman
The doors of the church are open to everyone in need, and many people feel much better within its walls. Priests regard death as an inevitable stage of life, and are always ready to help with advice. An illness, unexpected death, or accident can terminate the existence of the physical body without causing any harm to the immortal soul. The wife of the deceased can concentrate all her pain, love and energy on prayers. In prayer you can tell your loved one everything that you did not have time to say during your lifetime.
Also, the widow can confess to the priest, he will direct the words of the grieving woman to God.
Advice for others who are experiencing loss
People close to the grieving woman should be especially attentive and sensitive. They are required to have patience, perseverance, and participation.
Physiological reactions of the body and responses from the psyche
It is necessary to take a closer look at the widow’s reactions and behavior. Your presence nearby should be unobtrusive and tactful.
Be ready to listen to a woman at any moment and support her with a kind word.
Apathy
If the wife of the deceased has been in an apathetic state for a long time, you need to gently persuade her to visit a specialist. Invite her to go to the reception together.
Do not allow a woman in a state of apathy to drink every day; try to distract her in every possible way.
Appetite disturbance
Lack of appetite for a long time may indicate the onset of depression. Try to gently persuade the woman to eat, offer to go to a cafe or cook her favorite dish.
The opposite situation may occur when the widow overindulges in food - this is a manifestation of extreme stress. Try to find another distraction for the woman.
Dizziness, tachycardia, microinfarctions, seizures
These reactions are typical for the first hours after the sad news. If the attacks do not go away over time, seeing a doctor is vital.
Unusual reactions
If a woman has an unstable psycho-emotional background, atypical reactions to bitter news may be observed: hysterical laughter, a desire to destroy everything around, or icy calm, followed by attacks of rage.
Be discreetly nearby
Presence should not be intrusive. You should be there when a woman needs it, without putting pressure on her. It is important to understand and feel when it is better to leave a widow alone, and when not to leave a single step.
Help when a woman asks for it, clarify whether she needs you, do not impose your help when there is no need.
Avoid loneliness
Be sure to tell your friend about your feelings. At some point, you will want to hide from the whole world and just remain silent, but it is in such a situation that communication with a loved one is necessary. Don't demand too much from him, because he may not know what to answer or how to console you. If a person does not understand you, do not move away from him, but simply speak out. Over time, you will become comfortable communicating, and this will greatly ease the state of grief. You shouldn't go to parties or birthdays if you feel uncomfortable. The holiday atmosphere may seem inappropriate and even offensive to you. Communicate with close relatives, the loss has shocked them too
If the other parent is near you, pay special attention to him. Together it will be easier for you to overcome grief
How to help a friend cope with the death of her husband. How to deal with loneliness
The widow's friend will need all the sensitivity, care, and tenderness she has. During such a period, it is extremely important to be nearby and show your participation with all your might.
What not to say to a friend
Avoid talking about finding a new partner or future marriage - the widow will take what is said as an insult.
There is no need to give examples of similar tragedies. Someone else's pain cannot drown out personal pain.
Don’t copy the widow’s behavior; don’t cry with her or complain about fate. At this moment, you need perseverance and fortitude.
What do we have to do
You should unobtrusively remind that there is a lot of good left in the widow’s life, and try to get the woman to think about a bright future.
You can try taking the widow out to crowded places and offering to learn a new hobby together.
Try to talk about abstract topics. Carefully monitor the woman’s condition, insist on visiting a psychotherapist if her condition sharply worsens.
How to help your mother cope with the death of her husband
Adult children should come to the aid of a mother left without a husband. Children need to not only cope with their own grief, but also become a support for their mother.
What not to say to mom
Don't leave a woman alone with sadness. She may claim that everything is fine - for your sake. But having lived for so many years with one man, his departure cannot but affect her condition.
Mothers may begin to treat their children with overprotectiveness. Do not prohibit such manifestations. A woman needs care to fill the void.
Do not forbid crying for the deceased.
What to say
Actively support any new endeavors: dating, hobbies, going out to public places.
If mom feels better, you can look through old albums together, remembering the best days from the past.
Try to walk together, and while walking, highlight events not related to the tragedy.
How women were able to cope with the death of their husbands
I was very young when my husband died and a serious illness developed. I thought I would go crazy with grief. I started reading the Bible and praying every day. I still remember how I read the lines, and they blurred because tears flowed from my eyes in an endless stream. Now the grief has turned into a bright melancholy. I was able to let go of my loved one.
Ksenia, Tyumen
Ekaterina, Voronezh
New meaning came into my life 2 years after the tragedy. Before leaving, my husband fought cancer for a long time. I was able to rely on my children; they were always there. The children helped me open my own bakery, and I directed all my efforts there.
I buried my husband more than 5 years ago. A new man appeared in my life quite recently. I didn't think I could fall in love. The grief I experienced taught me to appreciate every moment with dear people. The new man is married, I think that I will soon be ready to give him a positive answer.
Inga, Orel
Viola, Moscow
We all couldn’t believe that dad could die so suddenly. He and his mother got married when they were both 18 years old. My brother and I supported my mother with all our might and did not leave her alone. Now the grief I experienced seems very far away.
My friend met with terrible grief. When her husband died, she was left with a small child in her arms. I supported her every day, we read the Bible covenants together, went to church. She was sad, but was able to get out of this state. I sincerely admire her.
Albina, Saratov
They buried and remembered. What's next. List of important things to do after the funeral
There are a lot of things that need to be taken care of immediately after the funeral. Being active will help you take your mind off the experience.
Reimbursement of funeral expenses
Reimbursement of expenses is a legal human right. To receive government compensation, you must keep all receipts. A certain amount can be reimbursed by the former employer of the deceased or government agencies within six months.
Register an inheritance
Relatives have 6 months to register the inheritance. The wife of the deceased inherits the property first.
Register ownership
The ownership of the deceased's property must be certified by a notary. A woman experiencing loss must enter her name into the FSW database.
Renting out real estate
If living in the apartment of the deceased is unbearable due to memories, the best solution would be to rent out the property on a monthly basis.
Feeling of prospects being destroyed
This feeling appears when the person who was irretrievably lost had goals and plans that could not be achieved. In this case, the best solution is to develop new perspectives. Your actions should proceed from a surplus approach - make the most of the existing unpleasant situation for personal growth and improve your life.
Of course, working out the prospects will take more than one day. But this needs to be done. And the more time you devote to this, the faster this cause will be eliminated.
You can work out the prospects like this:
- Create a file in Evernote or any other application that supports automatic synchronization and write down ideas on how you can improve your life after this situation. Of course, you can work purely with a computer, but online notepads are better because you can immediately write down an idea if you have your phone at hand. This must be done throughout the transition period.
- Start implementing the ideas that come to mind. It is clear that in depression the most difficult thing is to start doing something; volitional potential is reduced almost to zero (especially in deep depression). But if you regularly take small, feasible steps, over time you will get carried away and even enjoy transforming your life.
One business coach essentially did just that. After the death of his wife, he began to work more actively, which contributed to the growth of his professionalism, the number of clients, and earnings. But the main thing here is not to go to the other extreme - try to go to work so as not to think about the loss. In this case, we are essentially replacing one dependency with another. Our task is to become self-sufficient people. You can use work to take your mind off your grief, but only if it helps you become stronger and actually overcome depression, not drown it out.
How to build a new life after the death of a loved one
The pain of loss can break the body and soul. The “scar” from the experience will remain forever, but sadness can become bright and teach you a lot.
Accept the fact of loss
You can accept loss by changing your attitude towards death itself. Don’t suppress your feelings, let them open up completely, then awareness will come sooner.
Excellent memory. Memories, photos
In the first stages, you should not get rid of photographs, just as you should not review them, causing yourself new pain. You can return to the photo when it becomes easier.
Pictures are a bright memory of the deceased; treat it with gratitude.
Get rid of painful memories of death
It is impossible to get used to a new life if you endlessly remember the first difficult days. Mentally let go of these memories, write them down on a piece of paper, take this letter to church.
Shift attention to those who need it
Look around you and you will see how many people still need you. Try not to deprive them of your care and warmth.
The narrative of avoidance of grief and strange remarks
In the first days after the tragedy, I heard unimaginable things about grief, about my ability to cope with it, and about Matt himself. I was told that I was not a good enough feminist if I was so upset about “losing a man.” It was argued that my personal and spiritual development must have been at a low level since I was not able to perceive this situation as a gift. I was also told that Matt never loved me, that he was better now that he was separated from his body, and that he would be horrified if he saw me in this state. That Matt and I created this situation ourselves, intentionally. That we had an agreement while we were alive, and since we had it, now there is no reason to be so upset.
At the same time, they instilled in me seemingly very good ideas: that I was strong, smart and beautiful, that I would find someone else without any problems.
That over time I will be able to look at my loss as a gift, that I should think about all those people whom I will now be able to help. That if I stop suffering like this, I will finally feel the love surrounding me (but only if I stop suffering like this).
They said literally anything to relieve me of pain and sadness and to direct my life in a more acceptable direction.
But all these statements pale in comparison to the stories that bereaved people from all over the world shared with me.
For example: you yourself provoked your child’s cancer through unresolved personal problems. You have two more children, you should be grateful for that. If she died, then that was fate. Here is the Lord's providence. It's really time for you to forget everything and move on. He wasn't such a good person. A truly enlightened person does not become so attached to other people. You are clearly dependent. You brought trouble upon yourself with your thoughts. You needed this to learn something. There is no need for you to be paralyzed with grief. Some people don’t manage to understand themselves at all, but you have such a chance.
Bereaved people regularly face judgment, criticism, and dismissive treatment of their feelings.
Of course, most comforters have “good intentions,” but the difference between those intentions and the actual consequences of their words is huge.
The fact is that often the difficult experience of loss is perceived as a state from which one must get out as soon as possible. As if pain is some unexpected, outlandish and wrong response to the disappearance of a loved one from your life.
There is only a tiny interval when a person is allowed to express grief. And then, having passed this acute phase, you must return to ordinary life, carrying with you the gifts that you have gleaned from valuable experience. You are supposed to become wiser, more compassionate, and finally understand what is truly important.
If you continue to suffer, then you are doing something wrong.
Such ideas are firmly rooted in our culture, and it is difficult to even describe how a person feels when encountering such “support.” Now I would like to say that most people experiencing severe grief are faced not only with misunderstanding, but also with complete indifference on the part of others. We stop saying “I’m hurting” because no one is listening.
Section question - answer
How can a young widow cope with the sudden death and loss of her beloved husband?
Expert opinion
Lavrova Tatyana
Rehabilitation specialist, psychologist
Connect with friends and family, don't close yourself off from them. Don't forget about your appearance and physical fitness. Celebrate the holidays, don't forbid yourself to smile.
How can a housewife cope with the death of her beloved husband?
Expert opinion
Nadezhda Dubrovskaya
Practicing psychologist, Master of Psychology RGSU, Moscow
Try to find new hobbies, since your previous life was closely connected with household chores. A change of environment will have a beneficial effect.
How to cope with loss at 60 years old?
Expert opinion
Lavrova Tatyana
Rehabilitation specialist, psychologist
Taking care of younger family members, finding a new hobby, and getting help from a psychiatrist can fill the void.
How long will it be bad, how soon will the grief pass?
Expert opinion
Nadezhda Dubrovskaya
Practicing psychologist, Master of Psychology RGSU, Moscow
The duration of the period is individual, but vigorous activity, distractions, and new acquaintances have been proven to shorten it.
A year after the death of my husband, how to move on?
Expert opinion
Lavrova Tatyana
Rehabilitation specialist, psychologist
A year has passed, and the tragedy that seemed to have happened quite recently is moving further and further away from you in time. Congratulate yourself, you have survived the most difficult period. Find time to find new pleasures and be outdoors more often.
How to cope with the death of your husband at 40?
Expert opinion
Nadezhda Dubrovskaya
Practicing psychologist, Master of Psychology RGSU, Moscow
Don't let grief consume you. Communicate with people, don't isolate yourself. Admit that you need support.
How to get rid of longing for your dead husband?
Expert opinion
Lavrova Tatyana
Rehabilitation specialist, psychologist
Don’t close yourself off from other people’s support, consult a specialist for advice, and talk openly about your grief. Let your emotions pass through yourself so that they can subside after they have healed.
My personal story
Galina, Tolyatti
A distant relative reported the death of her husband. I was going crazy, I believed that the unbearable melancholy would not disappear. Over time, the pain dulled. But life leads me to new joys. Fate can be amazing, don’t give up on life, give yourself another chance!
"Stuck" in grief
I am often asked what to do when a friend or family member is “stuck” in their grief. To this I always answer: “What do you think it would mean to not get stuck? What are your expectations? According to most people, “not getting stuck” means that a person returns to work, regains his sense of humor, attends events, does not cry every day, and is able to talk about topics other than his loss and grief. He seems happy again.
We think that “happy” equals “healthy”.
As if happiness is the starting position, the norm to which people return from any condition and under which we live the way we should live.
In short, “getting back to normal” is the opposite of “getting stuck in grief,” and getting back to normal (happy) needs to happen as quickly as possible.
