How to let go of a grudge against a person and forgive? You need to take 3 steps to forgiveness.
How to let go of a grudge against a person and forgive? Being in a state of resentment, you have little idea that you can forgive, forget and move on as if nothing had happened. But I assure you that you will definitely forgive your offenses and get out of the position of victim.
Preamble
In fact, it is easier to prevent a quarrel with your husband than to think about how to survive this difficult conflict. Introduce one important rule into your family: under no circumstances should you involve relatives in disagreements or any mention of them. It’s hard to imagine a more serious cause of conflict than “but your mom is bothering us” or “your dad is lazy and worthless, just like you.”
How will you react if someone says something bad about your relatives, even if it is true? This is definitely a way to piss a person off. The main rule: parents are not chosen, they are not discussed. Take it to avoid a large number of quarrels.
What emotions and feelings keep you from letting go?
1.Pleasant memories
Our brain, our memory is structured in a very interesting way. They erase the unpleasant and leave the pleasant.
And they even seem to exaggerate the degree of pleasantness of what happened.
And, with the passage of time, you have already forgotten why you broke up.
Ah, this is a very important critical moment. Because it is precisely him who MUST BE REMEMBERED with all our might.
Maybe your ex didn't love you? Or maybe he treated you badly? Maybe it was not love, but addiction? Or, did your former loved one abuse substances - alcohol, drugs? Or was he just taking advantage of you?
In order for us not to succumb to the influence of cunning memory (which essentially erases everything bad in order to protect the psyche from overheating), we need to remember the reason why we broke up.
2. Fight for your self-esteem
A very curious feeling, rarely recognized - the struggle for one’s self-esteem, for a sense of one’s own importance and value.
The fact is that we have a basic social need - we want to feel valuable, significant, loved. This need, if we have not satisfied it in an environmentally friendly way OURSELVES, can play all sorts of evil jokes on us. For example, these:
You broke up with your husband (man, boyfriend).
And thus a blow was dealt to your self-esteem. Provided that you didn’t want to break up, but were forced or abandoned, there was a blow to your self-esteem.
Because, quite naturally, if we are abandoned, then we begin to think that there is something wrong with us, we are somehow wrong, crooked, slanted... This all starts the process of restoring self-esteem in the psyche - the psyche strives for homeostasis, like everyone else a living thing that has been damaged.
And, in doing so, we will make a global mistake.
We think: Since we were abandoned, then I am the defective one.
At the same time, we absolutely do not want to understand that we simply were not suitable for this person. WE ARE NOT DAMAGED. We just didn't fit in. And this means that we may be very suitable for someone else!
This is often exactly what happens. But we so badly want the ex-man who left us to restore our self-esteem .
The most common dream in this case: I want him to come back (write, call).
Never involve children in conflict
Before you overcome a strong resentment towards your husband, it is important to understand how to prevent countless quarrels. Any conflict must be stopped immediately if a child appears on the doorstep. Think about his fragile psyche, so you should not involve him in solving your problems. If only because any unnecessary word said to each other can hurt the feelings of children and change their attitude towards their parents.
If you want to say something rude or unpleasant, mentally count to ten. Perhaps the desire to quarrel will disappear. Do not provoke your significant other into conflict. Who will benefit from this? One way or another, everyone will have their own opinion, so is it worth disturbing your partner’s emotional state?
No to vengeance!
Many women are desperate to find out how to take revenge on their husband for an insult. Never act out of spite on your spouse, even if he mortally offended you. Don't try to touch him where it hurts by bringing old quarrels or negative situations into the conversation. Perhaps, if you do not use rancor, your marriage will be saved, but as soon as hurtful words are uttered in response or a hurtful act is committed, then there will be very little chance of a good life together.
Never take revenge, and if you promised to forgive your husband, then do not remind them of the quarrels after a while.
Vivid emotions
Also use a break with your beloved husband to return to your favorite hobby. Relationships almost always require a lot of time, emotions and other investments of yourself. Vivid emotions, creativity, any hobbies will help you regain self-confidence and forget your departed husband.
Representatives of the fair sex in such a situation devote themselves entirely to work, this is a good option for the development of events. Whatever you choose, first let loose all the memories of the past. It doesn’t matter whether they are positive or negative.
Basic Rule
If you don’t know how to overcome resentment towards your husband, then use this advice. If the cause of the conflict was not the betrayal of the spouse, but only some incorrect actions and spoken words, then it is necessary to have a preventive conversation.
In most cases, partners in relationships are offended by rudeness that was spoken to them. Explain to your spouse what exactly hooked you.
There is a golden rule: if nothing helps you cope with the desire to quarrel, then do it, but only without humiliation and insults. Everyone swears, you can’t do without it. Each person has his own emotions, experiences, views on life. And even people who love each other can have hundreds of differences and differences of opinion.
I DON'T WANT TO LET GO OF AN EX-boyfriend (husband, man)
Interesting situation. I watch her from time to time. People come to me asking me to help them let go of their ex (ex) from their thoughts, from their souls. And, I ask a simple question:
Imagine an absolute life without this person. That's it, he won't exist anymore. Never! Are you ready to live well and happily without him?
And then it emerges that although they “want to let go,” they are not ready to live without him.
And it turns out that the desire to get your ex out of your head is just a declaration, it’s just a cunning move so as not to suffer, not to suffer.
How to survive a conflict?
Resentment towards your husband can destroy your marriage and relationships in general. But if after a quarrel there is a strong aftertaste, then look at your partner. Do you really want to continue living with this person under one roof, as one family? If the positive answer does not cause you any doubt, then you need to start working on restoring the relationship.
HOW TO FORGIVE your ex-husband and let go of the grudge?
If you, in the process of writing down your feelings or just thinking about it, realized that you are holding a grudge. Then, of course, you want to forgive your ex-man, let go of the grudge against your ex. And, here are special tips that will help us do this. These techniques are taken from professional psychological help. And, their effectiveness has been proven many times. They help you forget a person.
1.Technique of empty space, chair, armchair.
You mentally sit your ex (or ex-wife - it works for everyone) in the chair or stool opposite you.
Focus and express all your grievances to him. As completely as possible.
After this, you mentally transfer to his place. You get used to it, feel into it and answer yourself on behalf of your ex.
Feeling into his personality will give you the opportunity to see the REASONS that prompted him to do this to you.
And these reasons are not always offensive to you, even though he offended you very much with his behavior.
Assault
Most women who are humiliated and insulted by their husbands do not want to end their marriage. But if a man once dared to raise his hand against his beloved during an ordinary quarrel, then there can be no talk of any restoration of the relationship. However, it is important to understand that the stronger sex is the same people as women, having emotions, feelings and a limit of patience. If a girl starts beating her man, provoking him to fight, then at that moment she turns from a spouse or girlfriend into a sparring partner. However, nothing will justify the guy who was able to return blow for blow. Even if the blame for the provocation lies entirely with the woman.
In this case, only an immediate interruption of the relationship can help to overcome the resentment towards the husband.
HOW to let go of your ex-husband
And also how to let go of your ex-man, boyfriend, lover, lover... It doesn’t matter who. This technique will also help to even let go of your ex-wife.
So, the first thing we need to do is turn on awareness and highlight in our head all those feelings and emotions that do not allow us to let go.
For this, it is best to work with a psychologist. But, if there is no possibility, there is self-discipline and a burning desire to get your ex out of your head. So, you can act on your own.
We need to take a notebook and start recording our feelings and emotions towards our ex for at least a week. Every day, it is important to note to yourself what exactly you feel? You need to honestly face your emotions, even if they seem unpleasant and wrong to you.
Serious quarrel
After a conflict, you need to talk to your spouse - popular advice from psychologists. Resentment towards your husband will continue to torment you if you don’t dot all the i’s in time. Remember that this is not a simple domestic conflict, but a serious quarrel leading to the breakdown of a marriage.
If you understand that a man is really ready to listen to you and change, then conversation in this case will be the best medicine against resentment. But before you express your dissatisfaction with your partner, it is best to write them on a piece of paper and then read them several times.
This method allows you to “pour out your soul” and not be afraid that someone will find out the truth of your family life. It will become much easier for you once you express it on paper. Sometimes after reading what is written, quarrels and insults seem not so terrible and deadly. Sometimes girls simply burn the sheet of complaints and prefer not to talk to their husbands about this topic, forgetting and forgiving everything.
As a rule, grievances expressed to the husband may be unjustified and exaggerated. Therefore, before you go to sort things out, it is recommended to clearly know what your partner’s fault is—specific, and not far-fetched.
Towards a new life
In certain situations, it is worth cutting off all contacts with your husband in order to move towards a new life. Delete his phone number, change your own, erase his email address. But this is suitable for those who do not have children. If you decide on new novels, then you should be careful here, not to allow yourself to succumb to a sudden impulse, as well as the fear of being alone. Don't use relationships with others to increase your self-esteem.
New feelings should bring joy, and for this to happen, wait a while, get rid of the negativity of the past!
Go for reconciliation
“Yesterday I had a fight with my husband. He said a lot of nasty things to me, as did I to him. Now I am consumed by resentment towards my husband. What to do? Should we compromise, or should we wait for an apology from him?” - it is important to understand that not all women are ready to accept the situation as it really is.
Even if you imagine that your spouse really offended you, you need to give him time to think about the whole situation. Of course, resentment towards your husband can be much stronger than the ability to be patient and wait out a few hours or days.
To begin, let your spouse come first to apologize and repent. When he takes the first step towards reconciliation, never show him your character. Your husband found the strength to step on the neck of pride. Remember that only a strong person can forgive, so learn this ancient art.
It can be very difficult to step over your “I” - but one day you will realize how much easier it is to live without your pride and selfishness. Let the pronoun “we” be heard often in your family, and then the number of quarrels will decrease.
If your spouse did not dare to approach you first, but you want to make peace, then you will have to act independently - decisively and without hesitation. In most domestic quarrels, both are always to blame - one, because he could not control himself, and the other, because he is not able to escape the conflict and remain silent when necessary. Approach your husband and offer to have a serious conversation. Explain what offended and offended you in exchange for revelations on his part. Let your spouse tell you where you went wrong. When all the i's are dotted, it is necessary to make a general solution to the conflict.
What about betrayal?
It is extremely difficult, and sometimes impossible, to forgive betrayal. Cheating always entails, if not divorce, then cohabitation, but for the sake of children, a shared loan, a mortgage, or old parents who may not survive the breakup. In this case, many women wonder how to forgive their husband for insult and betrayal?
- Firstly, every girl wants to receive guarantees that her husband will never cheat on her again - neither physically nor mentally.
- Secondly, it is important to learn to trust your man. This advice applies to those women who agreed to forgive the betrayal, but for many months, or even years, they blame him for his mistake and send him back to work with pain and stress.
If you accepted your spouse and agreed never to remind them of the betrayal, then that’s the way it should be. If you cannot overcome your resentment towards your husband, then sooner or later you will become the culprit of divorce. And this despite the fact that once upon a time your spouse hurt you by cheating on you.
Imagine if you could live with this man under the same roof, knowing that one day he chose another woman instead of you? If it is difficult to get used to this idea, then it is better not to agree to restore the marriage. So you will think about only one thing - how to take revenge on your husband for the insult.
But cheating in return will not bring you satisfaction. On the contrary, you will begin to feel even worse - humiliated and low.
Psychosomatics of resentment, is it possible to get sick from resentment?
Being offended, we become angry, become absent-minded and inattentive. The pulse quickens and the blood pressure rises. Anxiety leads to headaches, and high blood pressure can trigger a stroke. As you can see, it is quite possible to get sick from resentment.
Insomnia due to worries and anxiety also does not add to your health. As a result of a sleepless night, you can get injured at work due to fatigue, or even get hit by a car.
There is an opinion that unforgiven grievances lead to cancer. This fact has not received scientific confirmation. Psychologists have met people with feelings of resentment who have been diagnosed with cancer, but the coincidence is due to the prevalence of cancer and the lack of early diagnosis.
Learn to forgive
Not all women know how to deal with resentment towards their husband. Psychology, together with religion and philosophy, teaches people to forgive. Resentment after spoken words, quarrels or conflicts makes you vulnerable and weak. You waste precious time on meaningless showdowns, and then endlessly thinking about what was said or done during conflicts. Of course, if a quarrel escalates into a fight or moral violence, then it is best to cut such a person out of your life.
Domestic conflicts are easily resolved, especially if you understand that most of them are born out of financial difficulties, parental responsibilities, illness or high expectations. Marriage is where two people are willing to support each other and grow together. You can't let your pride, emotions, or lack of control over your temper ruin your relationship. Learn to forgive, even if for this you have to step over your “I”.
Why is forgiveness of offenses so important?
Many do not understand why he should forgive insults, citing the fact that this will make his offender even better and he will not suffer any punishment. You need to understand that this is necessary to maintain your health. You may ask, what does health have to do with it?
You've probably heard that thoughts are material. Constantly replaying some painful situation in your head, remembering the details of the offense, you will not make things worse for the offender . Since you experience negative emotions, it is your body that suffers. After all, it’s no secret that stress provokes health problems. Resentment is stress, and constantly “chewing” resentment is persistent stress . Over time, emotional problems lead to physical illness. This is called psychosomatic diseases, and psychosomatics studies this problem - a science that explains the influence of psychological problems on the functioning of various organs.
Examples of some diseases that arise from emotional problems:
- allergies – protest, difficulties in expressing one’s position, inability to refuse;
- sore throat - unspoken resentment, anger because you cannot cope with some situation;
- gastritis and other stomach diseases - anger, irritability, fear;
- headaches, migraines - constant tension, tension, low self-esteem, self-criticism, fear;
- gynecological diseases - rejection of femininity, a woman’s rejection of herself;
- obesity - attempts to protect yourself from traumatic surrounding reality, hypersensitivity, building a barrier between yourself and the world;
- liver diseases - unexpressed resentment, sadness, anger, suppression of irritability;
- cancer – deep-seated resentment, desire for revenge, mental wound;
- heart disease – lack of feeling of joy, love problems, loneliness.
With the help of diseases, negative emotions find a way out . But, if psychological problems are not solved, diseases will receive “feed” from them. This could drag on forever. So why accumulate grievances? Why should we allow them to poison our body, ruin our health and life? Let them go.
Don't get hung up
The resentment that sits inside you can become destructive, where one spark will lead to a huge explosion. Even if your husband insulted or humiliated you, said or did something very unpleasant, do not let your emotions take over.
Imagine a situation where you said a few words to your husband about the offense, he apologized, and the relationship returned to normal. But something deep down continues to torment and torment you, forcing you to return to that conflict situation every day. Soon these feelings will develop into something more, turning a self-confident woman into an obsessive and emotionally unbalanced person. Any trifle will be accompanied by quarrels and another “Do you remember what you said/did last time?”
For those who want to become stronger
In order for you to be guaranteed to forgive your offense and stop being a person who tends to take offense, I wrote for you the book “From Victim to Hero: The Path of a Strong Man.”
It consists of practices aimed at ensuring that you stop holding anything to yourself and gain the determination to immediately talk about everything that does not suit you.
After reading it, you will learn to live as if it were your last day: your head will become clearer, doubts, resentments, fears and excuses will cease to make sense. You will begin to understand what is truly important. And you will gain the determination to change everything that does not suit you in life. You will learn to take responsibility. You will take an active life position and will easily express everything that you do not like. You will become stronger and naturally, instead of being offended, you will immediately look for and find a solution.
You can read the full description of the book and reviews of it, and also purchase the book using the link.
Step #3: Take Charge
And we continue the technique of forgiveness. Third step and third leaf. Resentment is your choice, which is most often not realized. Between stimulus and response, there is always a choice - how to respond. So, between an insult and being offended by this insult, there is a choice: to be offended or to pass by. The problem is that, as a rule, you do not have time to realize this and are immediately offended. The first time you choose your response to abuse is as a child. For example, a neighbor boy called you a fool, and you were offended. Since then, year after year, whenever a similar situation happened to you (you were insulted or criticized), you unconsciously chose to be offended again and again.
Have you ever noticed that some people are not offended when they are criticized? They consciously chose this. Or they were lucky - their parents taught them not to be offended by criticism in early childhood. And you start learning this now. It won't be easy, and it won't work out right away. But gradually, with patient effort over and over again, you will get what you want.
Whenever someone says or does something unpleasant to you, take a mental break. You have a choice how to react. Make this choice. While you are offended, you follow the offender's lead. But this is your life, and it’s up to you to decide whether to follow someone else’s lead or live the way you want.
So, the third step and the third piece of paper. Start it like this: “Dear (name)! I understand that I myself chose to be offended by you then. I bear full responsibility for being offended, for hating you...” Continue on your own. In this letter to your offender, write why you chose to be offended. What exactly bothered you then? All this time you have been transferring responsibility for the offense to the offender. But now you take responsibility. You were not offended, but you were offended. It's entirely possible that your abuser had no idea he was saying or doing anything wrong. But even if he did it intentionally, it only means that he achieved his goal. He has you hooked. You were offended, and all this time you were thinking about him and his action. You followed his lead.
From now on and forever, take responsibility for your grievances. You choose to be offended. This doesn't mean you have to take the blame. It is the offender's fault that you were treated this way. But you are responsible for reacting the way you did. There is a big difference between guilt and responsibility, and the key difference is that only by taking responsibility can you be able to forgive.
Resentment is the position of the weak and small. Responsibility is the position of the strong. I talk about this in detail in the book “From Victim to Hero: The Way of a Strong Man” and help you learn to take the position of a strong man.
Step #4: Forgive and Let Go
Start the fourth piece of paper like this: “Dear (name), I forgive you for that...”.
Write everything you wanted to say but couldn’t. Put all your love into this letter, all the warm and pleasant feelings that you feel for this person. Imagine him sitting in front of you and talk to him in your mind. Surely, he will be glad to hear that you have finally forgiven him. He will accept your kind words and reciprocate. Imagine all this while you write your letter of forgiveness.
Thank your abuser for giving you the opportunity to see your growth areas. Now you know where you need to grow and develop, what qualities to improve.
After performing the suggested technique, you should feel better. During the technique, you should feel unity with the offender and the completion of what was not completed then, on the day when you were offended. The main condition is to relive your resentment, all the emotions and feelings that fill you, to the maximum using this technique. Do it sincerely and with all your heart. Only you yourself can free yourself from this heavy burden.
Now you can do this technique with all the people and grievances that you have accumulated. Resentment takes a huge amount of energy and strength, so after performing the technique you will feel filled with energy. She comes back to you.
If by chance you ever mentally return to that unpleasant episode in the past that you just worked with, I recommend that you go through the fifth step.
Resentment is a very deep feeling that does not go away in one day. To do this, you need to work with yourself, you need to know yourself, be able to talk to yourself, recognize your feelings and emotions, and not deceive yourself.
Step #5: Anchor Exercise
You have completed the forgiveness technique presented in this article. But suddenly it happened that you again, perhaps out of habit, remembered your old grievance. In this case, add one more to your memory. After the abuser says those nasty words to you (or does those nasty actions), he comes close to you, looks you in the eye, takes your hands and says, “Please forgive me. I didn't mean to hurt you. Do not feel angry with me. Let go of your resentment."
Every time you mentally return to that offense, add this new episode to your memory. Over time, the new episode will become fixed in your thoughts along with the offense, and they will only be remembered by you together. Rest assured, you will soon be able to forgive.
Where to get away from thoughts
The best way to cope with mental trauma is through work. And it doesn’t have to be a mediocre one, where you need to go 5 days a week. Work can mean any activity - hobbies, sports, travel and shopping.
Keep your mind and body occupied and distracted from your own overwhelming thoughts to regain confidence in your relationship and not dwell on resentments. By constantly thinking about negative things, you attract only negative events into your life.
Analyze how serious your grievances are. Will you be able to live with them in the future? Why did you decide to forgive your husband? Will you be able to accept his apology in the future? Have you embellished the situation? Do you want to be pitied after a quarrel? Do you have a habit of looking for those responsible for any conflicts?
Answering these questions can help you understand the importance and severity of your grievances. If you understand that the situation is not worth wasting your life energy, then should you remember and dwell on conflicts from the past?
What is resentment and how to recognize that a person is offended
Resentment can be called a whole range of feelings when they are unfairly criticized, unfairly punished or insulted, betrayed and humiliated. Such a feeling does not bring anything good to a person. A touchy person cannot think about anything else; he is overwhelmed by feeling.
It is not difficult to recognize that someone is offended at you. A portrait of a touchy person looks something like this.
- The person does not want to talk, moves his eyebrows, puffs out his cheeks and lips, flares his nostrils, and the corners of his mouth droop.
- A touchy person closes himself off from the whole world; everyone around him seems to be an enemy.
- He often crosses his arms over his chest, demonstrating his closedness.
- To the question “What happened” the answer is “Nothing.”
There are easygoing people who, a couple of hours after a quarrel, behave as if nothing had happened. There are vindictive people who remember hurtful words for several months, years, and even their entire lives.
There are no perfect people
Every person has the right to make mistakes. You probably also once allowed your emotions to take over - you offended loved ones, caused them pain. Someone still holds a grudge against you, but the rest have forgiven and forgotten all long-standing grievances.
If your husband made a mistake, then give him the opportunity to make things right. Don’t present yourself as if you are the only person in the world who has been hurt or at least unpleasantly hurt. If all conflicts and quarrels are not systematic, however, like grievances, then allow your spouse to apologize, draw a conclusion, remove life experience from the situation and try to never repeat the same mistake again.
This rule should also be supported by women who, sooner or later, are capable of saying a few rude words or provoking a partner into a conflict. When you learn to forgive and forget all the negativity, you will ultimately become a more balanced, kind person, surrounded by people who are ready to accept apologies and not remind you of quarrels.
Understand the motives
Even in ordinary controversial relationships, it is difficult for us to imagine ourselves on the other side of the barricades in order to understand someone else’s position. But what about situations in which emotions were hurt, you felt insulted, offended, or for a long time you experienced the unworthy behavior of someone close to you? However, here too you need to be able to abstract yourself from emotions, at least for a while, and try to find the motives of the offender. It often turns out that he is guided by weaknesses, not strength. Let's say that parents who suppress their own children, in most cases, were themselves deprived of love and a happy childhood. A husband who raises his hand against his wife may subconsciously be afraid of women. The father turns away from the “disobedient” son, who did not live up to expectations (became a musician, not a pilot), in the depths of his soul he hoped that the child would realize the dreams that he himself could not fulfill. Realizing the motives of other people, you stop seeing yourself only as a victim: he did this to me because he doesn’t love me, I’m not needed, I’m not valued... The emphasis shifts from your own feelings to the inner world of another person, you begin to see his imperfection, weaknesses and troubles. This also helps not to hold a grudge and let go of grievances.
