Married mistress of a married man - psychology of lovers' relationships: what to do if a woman falls in love with a guy and he has a wife

Mistresses evoke contempt among others, especially among married ladies, who believe that their husband will never get involved with such persons. Until a woman herself falls under the spell of a married man, she will condemn such behavior. Moreover, the representatives of the stronger sex themselves do not miss an opportunity to joke about the moral character of their mistresses and consider them unprincipled individuals.

In practice, we have a different picture: about 90% of men have had at least one affair throughout their entire family life. About a quarter lie pathologically and regularly cheat on their wives, and 5% live in two families. Such statistics confirm that, despite the general condemnation of adultery, men continue to have mistresses, and women are increasingly becoming one. Why is this happening? And who is a mistress for a married man?

Why do wives cheat?

Many perceive male adultery as the norm, attributing everything to physiology and polygamy. They have many signals: they want change, they want to express sexual energy and just have fun. Many people don’t even think that a guy’s betrayal counts.

But girls are usually treated more demandingly, and therefore they are accustomed to hiding an affair more carefully. Let's figure out where it comes from. The usual “excuses” for men are unacceptable here:

Sexual attraction at the level of instinct - women are more likely to focus on feelings and emotions.
Novelty is repulsive, because they are attracted to stability.
Self-affirmation - no, because only a guy can assert himself, and for a girl such a reputation will only become offensive.

It is interesting to note that the real reasons are strongly related to the marital relationship. Common reasons why a married woman falls in love with a married or single man:

Poor relationship with your spouse, lack of affection, care, tenderness and sense of security. Psychological discomfort.
Lack of attention: the husband does not notice the new haircut or new clothes. He spends all his time in the garage under the car or in the company of his friends, leaving his wife to while away the lonely evenings.
Revenge. What if the man has already been caught in adultery? Of course, many go through this stage, forgive, try to forget, but subconsciously there is a certainty that the traitor should be punished.
Dissatisfaction in intimate life. Sometimes the spouse stops performing marital duty altogether or performs it, caring exclusively about his own pleasure - no foreplay, prolonged caresses, romance or gratification of sexual desires. The second common option is satiety with monotony.
Lack of emotions. Sometimes it happens like this: boring, the same, stable. I want adventure, like in a romantic film - an explosion, a storm, but at home everything is ordinary. Everyday life eats up men too - they stop expressing their feelings, which leads to a complete emotional vacuum in the family.
Finding the perfect love or a prince on a white horse. Often marriage occurs after an unplanned pregnancy or for other reasons, when they hoped for “endure and fall in love.” But all the years of marriage they are looking for that one and only.
Love. An outburst of intense mutual feelings can lead to an affair.

The imaginary attractiveness of being a mistress

Some men use the following expression in their defense: “Mistress comes from the word love.” Is it really so harmless, and what consequences of a secret relationship are most dangerous for a woman? Let's figure it out.

When a man starts an affair on the side, this becomes immediately noticeable: his behavior changes, now he is always in an excellent mood and is ready to move mountains. What does this mean? Right! The mistress gives him those resources that are so necessary for every representative of the stronger sex.

For some reason, the wife cannot satisfy the basic needs of the man. This could be support, recognition, inspiration, gratitude, sex, and so on. That is why a man tries to compensate for their lack in the arms of another woman.

3 important steps

which every woman should go through

Anika Snagovskaya

Author and presenter of women's trainings on harmonizing feminine energy. Master of removing limiting beliefs and master of constellations.

I have prepared three lessons for you that will help you better understand yourself, remove the restrictions that prevent you from feeling loved and living happily.

Video lesson with meditation: 5 states of femininity

You will learn about 5 female states that exist in every woman, how they manifest themselves and which archetypes are most manifested in you and which are not developed.

Video lesson + meditation: How to let go of past relationships

I’ll tell you what you need to do to free your heart from old feelings and break the energy threads connecting you with your past partner.

Audio recording: Neuro-af

Thanks to this neuro-affirmation, you can regain self-love and feel sincere gratitude and happiness for every day.

Top 3 useful materials that will help you know yourself better

And start a new, happy life for yourself.

Video lesson with meditation: 5 states of femininity

Video lesson + meditation: How to let go of past relationships

Audio recording: Neuro-af

Take your gifts!

Society is divided into those who pity mistresses and those who openly condemn them. So why do women continue to accept such dangerous roles?

No household problems

It is unlikely that anyone would think of forcing their lover (not a husband or a young man) to clean up the apartment, take out the trash or beat out the carpet. In addition, a woman does not need to stand at the stove for half a day and prepare a three-course dinner for her lover.

That is, there is no everyday routine in relationships, which sometimes destroys many families. It turns out that the mistress gets all the best, even though she, it would seem, does not make any special efforts for this.

No boredom in relationships

If a couple has been married for more than ten years, then sometimes their relationship becomes predictable and boring. Romance is a thing of the past, everyone knows each other so much that they can predict with 100% accuracy the actions of their other half. And with his mistress, every day is fraught with something new; a man feels like he’s on a volcano with her.

In a short meeting with his mistress, a man can experience a whole range of feelings and vivid emotions. It is for this reason that women also take lovers, in order to somehow diversify their “bland” family life.

More time for yourself

Infrequent meetings with her loved one allow a woman to devote more time to herself. She may well soak in the bath with a glass of wine, read a new novel, have a spa day or visit a beauty salon. The man, with his attitude, motivates her to take careful care of her appearance.

Reasons why a married man loves a married woman

Most husbands are not going to divorce. As I noted, they do not see anything wrong with betrayal, so they treat their mistress with ease, as temporary entertainment.

If a girl is unmarried, she intuitively hopes for the continuation of the relationship and its legalization. She has a lot of free time that can be spent on calls, messages, meetings. They are more interested in gifts and constant attention.

A married woman, on the contrary, is different:

Unpretentiousness: she is satisfied with her current situation, she does not want to change anything.
The desire to give all the love and tenderness, she is an experienced woman, she already knows a lot, she does not strive to play a role that is inaccessible.
The need to hide relationships. She will not gossip or tell her colleagues and friends.
Material considerations. It’s simply impossible to give expensive gifts - after all, how will she tell her legal husband about the new acquisition.

Why doesn't a man leave his mistress?

A mistress is a novelty in sex, or perhaps sex in general, because the wife, due to her negative feelings towards her husband, may no longer sleep with him. Also, the appearance of a third party may indicate that there are reservations in the family regarding satisfaction in bed.

Also, the mistress, with her words and calm behavior, gives the man a feeling of support, he feels that he is understood and accepted. She looks at him and touches him in such a way that the man understands: “She needs me. She needs me. She feels bad without me.” And this is a basic male need - to be needed, then he understands that he is cool.

Therefore, a wife should never forget to tell her husband that “I am happy that I have you. You close so many of the questions in my life and our family.” Then the man feels that he is valuable to this system. If the wife does not do this, then he finds a woman on the side who will say: “God, how happy I am that I just have you.”

Men dream about this - to feel important, needed, strong. Then he understands that he is a protector, a provider, a leader. There is no need to argue or fight with a mistress, she does not prove anything, but simply quietly follows him.

To understand the issues of love triangles: why men don’t leave the family, why you sit and wait for him in the hope that a miracle will happen and you will be happy together, register for a free 6-day online course: “Man: honest instructions for application. No drama or manipulation."

What does a married woman want from a married man and why does she prefer him?

In general, the reasons are similar. But jealousy is mixed in. Bachelors have a strong sense of ownership; they are not used to sharing a girl with anyone, even if the legal spouse is claiming. They will express dissatisfaction in every possible way; in case of a breakup, they may even threaten or blackmail.

Psychologist Daria Milai

Make an appointment

A lover who has a spouse will not be jealous, because he himself is in a similar state. He will not make a scene, blackmail, or publicize a secret affair, because he will have to divorce his wife first.

Another “minus” of bachelors is that they need a lot of free time spent together. In addition, the lack of commitment leads to the fact that they have a less regular sex life and uncontrolled sexual intercourse becomes more frequent.

Another advantage of married people is that they are reliable, accustomed to keeping their promised words, and acting appropriately, in accordance with the situation.

We conclude: if a lover and mistress are both married, they are more confident in each other and know how to relax and distract themselves from everyday problems together.

You can't achieve anything by force

When the mistress's patience comes to an end, she realizes that her expectations are not met and begins to get angry, blame the man for everything, and then blackmail is used. I worked a lot with triangles. There are times when a very young girl finds herself in such a situation. And the man has status, he has a career and reputation. And blackmail is simply dangerous for her life.

Blackmail and manipulation begin, the man begins to get angry and think through ways of retreat, how to calm her down so that she does not cause grief to him or to herself, first of all. He did not promise the woman anything else, so he does not understand her complaints. The man begins to move away, the manipulations intensify, and the relationship becomes worse.

Even in such situations, threats to tell your wife everything do not work. This happens when the tension reaches such a level that a woman no longer has the strength to endure. The man is triggered by guilt and fear, and he begins to hate his mistress. Accordingly, he quickly leaves because he understands that this relationship has now become dangerous. This woman is now a danger to his entire system, she can destroy everything. All the good feelings go away.

Sometimes mistresses simply try to influence a man through persuasion and requests. He responds to this with promises that do not lead to serious action. This method doesn't work either. The begging mistress is in a too unequal position compared to the wife, who holds the entire house and continues its lineage. Therefore, the mistress will always be the most vulnerable link in the triangle; she will suffer the most.

How to deal with a married lover

Girls should be careful and not leave traces of their presence, and also not count on too much. In 95 percent of cases, he will not get divorced and will not propose marriage to you. I will give specific recommendations.

Behavior rules

Insist on meetings on neutral territory.
Never use his wife’s things - do not use perfumes, hygiene products, cosmetics.
Do not call first, do not write SMS or messages on social networks. Your best option is not to leave any written evidence of affection.
Don't demand too much: family is always more important.

If you are confused and find yourself in a difficult situation, I recommend signing up for my consultation. I will listen to your problems, give advice and recommendations.

There is no place for joy in the triangle

In a love triangle, neither party will be happy. The mistress should have a goal - to see the light, to understand the reasons why this is happening in her life, and not try to take the man away from the family by any means.

The same goes for the wife. Why did a second woman appear in the family? If a wife mentally imagines her mistress and looks at her, she will feel hatred and anger. But if a wife asks her mistress: “What are you giving to my man, my husband, that I didn’t give?” After all, if the wife again begins to give her husband the recognition and emotions that he needs, the mistress will no longer be needed.

I often hear in consultations: “Here, my husband... but he’s married.” I say: “He is the husband of another woman, you don’t even have the right to call him husband.” And the woman replies: “No, we live, he promises me.” That is, she is in complete illusion.

It is clear that it is difficult for a mistress to break this emotional codependent connection, because she will have to go nowhere, crush her hopes, dreams and enter the bride market with grievances against men. Therefore, you need to work with feelings, you need to work with self-esteem. And don’t blame yourself, because being a mistress is not bad, it’s ineffective.

Benefits of being a lover

This is an easy relationship - there is no need to give reports, promises, you can break it off at any time. No guilt, only freedom.
A rich experience. How can you find out the type of man that suits you if you don’t try to get closer to him?
Have a nice stay. The beloved on the side receives more entertainment, cafes and even trips to resorts than the legal spouse. Enjoy life without obligations.
Rest from household duties. You will open the buttons on the shirt, and someone else will sew them on. How to cook borscht, wash socks, iron suits.
Fresh emotions, including from extreme sports.
Material support. Often a man strives to provide for his beloved. You can expect even such large gifts as a car or an apartment from a well-to-do businessman.

Rules of conduct and secrets of the ideal lover

Are you wondering how to be a good lover for a man? Then take into account a few useful rules. By observing them, you can be sure that your loved one will not allow the thought of searching for a new object of his desires. Let's sort it out in order. So, the ideal lover:

knows exactly what the partner wants;
knows how to surprise a lover;
gives a lot, asks for nothing in return;
does not behave intrusively, does not control;
does not pose a tough choice, testing feelings for strength;
does not complain, is not capricious;
does not put himself above, does not point out shortcomings;
knows how to forgive, forgets mistakes;
does not teach life;
values communication.

Now let's look at the important aspects of relationships from a psychological point of view and reveal the main secrets of a good lover:

Don't make your partner feel guilty. This is a serious management tool, but not everyone knows how to use it correctly. Manipulation often leads to separation.
Don't try to hold him as a child - it's a bad idea.
Don't control. A man wants to feel free, and not be accountable for every step.
Don't start a showdown with your legal wife. Attempts to assert yourself and show that they chose you can serve as a catalyst for a breakup. Please note that in such a situation you will lose more than you gain.
Give up hysterics and showdowns, because next to you he is looking for peace and harmony.
To understand how to behave with a married lover, remember that sex does not always play a primary role. For such a partner, you will have to be a psychologist and adviser, listen to complaints about misunderstandings and quarrels with your wife, and provide moral support.
Keep secrets. Happiness loves silence, so there is no point in trumpeting at every corner about a “forbidden” connection.

In conclusion, to all of the above, I would like to add that any woman who is concerned about the question: “How to become a good lover?” should learn to be silent and listen more, and prefer languid sighs to boring phrases and moralizing. Also, one should not forget about a well-groomed appearance (stylish hairstyle, lace lingerie, stockings, high-heeled shoes). All this together will make you simply irresistible.

Why do guys have relationships on the side?

Any person gets tired of monotony, and the male half of humanity has never been monogamous. Causes:

Mental rejuvenation. This is especially true for people aged 45+. They are interested in younger girls, they make them feel young and reckless.
I want to get away from my wife's nagging. The spouse nags on various issues, while the mistress is ready to listen with understanding.
Aesthetic pleasure: in the evenings he is greeted by a beautifully made-up, well-groomed lady in sexy lingerie, and not slippers, a robe and curlers.
New sensations in bed. Sex with the same partner for 10-20 years often leads to decreased libido.
Revenge on the wife if she committed adultery.

Advice for a married lover

In connection with the reasons for betrayal, I want to emphasize that you will not replace his family, but only several areas of his life. Therefore, 95% of the time he will not abandon his wife. Do not spoil your and his nerves by demanding a divorce, blackmailing, contacting your wife.

Ask a question

Should I agree to become the mistress of a married man?3

For example, a woman, directly or indirectly, received an offer from a family man to become his mistress. Her future life will depend on the decision she makes. She must be ready:

To be only a friend for the chosen one. The desire to partially replace his wife, to tie him with care and gifts, should be abandoned. Do not make comments to a man (even if there is a reason for this). The destiny of a mistress is to be always ready to meet her lover with an impeccable appearance and organize pleasant communication.

To be a supporting woman for a man. Even if the close relationship between the spouses has ceased to satisfy the man, he will never make a decision in favor of his mistress. The scales on which are children, family, settled and familiar life will always tip the scales.

To keep a man, a mistress must always be fully prepared: not just keep herself in shape, but constantly look for new ways to diversify her intimate life and not bore her partner.

The relationship will always be on the woman’s territory, in a rented apartment or hotel. Joint trips to the theatre, club, guests, and especially relatives, are out of the question.

A woman should not get hung up on this relationship. She is free and has the right to decide how long they last.

Recommendations if a married woman falls in love with a married man

In this situation, it is necessary to understand that both partners are in an equal position. Adviсe:

Respect his personal space, then he will take care of yours too.
Set boundaries and agreements – when and where meetings are scheduled, how communication will take place.
Take care of your family and value it above all else - lovers can change, but children will always remain.
Don't get involved with your spouse's friend/colleague, this will lead to the connection being quickly revealed.
Hide your emotions in front of your husband. If he is attentive, he will notice the shine of his eyes, increased attention to appearance, and a loving smile when reading an SMS.
Make sure you have a good alibi. This could be a club you go to with a friend. A great option is going to the gym 3 times a week.
Label gifts, but don't hide them. Tell us about your mother’s birthday present or your own purchase with the bonus you received.
Correspondence and calls - only at work using a company computer/phone. No personal gadgets.
Wash away the smell of men's perfume and the aroma of aftershave lotion.

Meets the needs of someone else's family

A man, thanks to an emotional connection with this woman, is filled, and he already has everything at home: he has a wife who performs her household functions well, there are children who are in his space, and there is no point in destroying this space. And the mistress gives love and emotions.

Therefore, these two women, the mistress and the wife, have their own different roles. Men often say: “It would be cool if we combined them into one. I would just be happy." The mistress closes emotional “holes” that are not closed in the family, and it turns out that she feeds someone else’s family with her energy. She has less strength, and everything is lining up in the man’s family. Therefore, the mistress’s position is always the most vulnerable.

Very often, after a love triangle, new children appear in families. Because the family is going through a crisis, and they are reassessing their values. According to statistics (about 90% of 100 triangles), the man returns to the family, or the man leaves the family, but does not begin to build a relationship with his mistress. And everyone goes in different directions.

Only approximately 1% (I call this conditional figure) - when the mistress remains with the man, and they then become husband and wife. But there are some nuances, they pay a price for it.

How to get away from the family

This is a rare occurrence, but you can achieve a divorce following these recommendations:

Act quickly. An impulsive decision is made in the first months of falling in love.
Find out more about personality, habits, activities, preferences.
Become a friend, listen to complaints, give advice.
Collect information about your wife and be better than her - externally, intellectually.
Give him what he doesn't get at home.
Don’t dismiss your problems; if you want to help, he will become interested himself.
Don't focus on finances.
Any contact with the legal spouse is prohibited.

How do you feel in this relationship?

If you are now in the position of a mistress, imagine now your man-lover, that is, the husband of someone’s wife, and evaluate how you currently feel about him. And ask him how he feels about you at this moment in his life? Maybe he already wants to run away from you, or maybe you just met recently and still feel euphoria for each other.

Then ask him another question: “Please tell me why you came into my life (namely a married man)?” Listen to the very first answer. Now ask: “Please tell me what lesson you brought me by coming into my life (married man to a free woman)?” And listen to the first answer too.

Usually, when asked what lesson they brought, girls hear the answer - value and love yourself. This means the time has come for the mistress to make love to herself, because she loves him, but she has not put herself in the first place in her life.

With faith in you, Alla Pilipyuk

Is it possible to avoid betrayal?

To rule out adultery, give your spouse:

a varied sex life - don’t be afraid to experiment in bed;
a stable life with its own foundations;
aesthetic pleasure - visit the beauty salon and gym more often, do not forget to put on makeup before dinner together;
do not give reasonable reasons for jealousy.

With such a life partner, a faithful person will not want to turn to the left.

Passion for a man in marriage

Unmarried mistresses of men with families are mostly women who do not enter into serious long-term relationships with men or are unable/unwilling to maintain a relationship with one man. Why is this happening? As psychology suggests, the reasons for this can be very different:

A pattern of family relationships where one of the parents (usually the father) was absent, or both parents lived in a relationship without intimacy, like strangers. Girls growing up in such families have nowhere to take the image of strong family ties. They cannot learn to build relationships and establish contact. All they are used to seeing is, at best, a partnership between two people who are distant from each other, or an endless struggle between two unhappy people, at worst. Girls who have endured this pattern of adult relationships do not want to start their own families, trying to avoid repeating their parental experience;
Reluctance to bear the obligations of family relationships. Long-term serious relationships imply responsibility and work both on yourself and on the relationship with your partner, and equally on both sides. Women who do not like to work “full time” in a relationship, as well as girls with infantile behavior, prefer the less expensive format of a mistress;
An easy, bright life is another reason to be the mistress of a married man, and not look for a permanent partner. This role is by no means “easy” in everything, namely in terms of everyday life. Such women love and know how to make an impression, look impressive in society and in photographs, and also play to the public. Moreover, apart from this, they, as a rule, do not know anything else. Many married, financially successful men lack just the colors in life and the feeling of constantly conquering someone beautiful. They pay for “performances” that their flamboyant mistresses gladly give them;
There are also mistresses who can be conditionally classified as “Decembrist wives.” These are the constant (several years) passions of married men who have become accustomed to a supporting role and bought the idea “If it weren’t for” (children/wife’s age/her position), then he would definitely have divorced his wife and lived with his mistress. There are two factors at play here: the first is the low self-esteem of the mistress, who believes that she cannot get the whole man and therefore must be content with part of him. The second is the role of a savior, which such a married lover gives her. It is with him that she is a piece of paradise, a break from everyday life, a fighting friend and, in general, an ideal wife, if not... a real wife. That is, Decembrist mistresses live with the idea that they themselves cannot form a full-fledged match for another man, and sometimes spend their entire lives with this fate;
And there are a large number of mistresses of married men who fell into this role by accident or semi-accidentally: due to boredom, experiment, thirst for independence, revenge, or simply falling in love. This is a “passing option” for lovers who, due to circumstances, fell into this role and may remain in it for some time, but, as a rule, come out of it back into loneliness or a long-term relationship with one partner.

In life, usually not one reason works, but several of the listed options. That is, each case of the formation of a mistress and an affair on the side is unique. Married men have their own motives for having mistresses.