The death of a loved one is a difficult test that can befall anyone. No matter how strong a person is, the loss of a loved one is a powerful psychological blow that must be met with humility, because nothing can be changed. Tragedy puts obsessive thoughts into your head: “How to survive the death of a loved one? How to continue to exist without him? And most importantly, why?”
Against the backdrop of deep emotions, depression, neuroses, and phobias often arise. A bereaved person often drives himself into a corner, from which only competent psychologists can help him get out - people take the death of a wife or husband so hard.
We are all born and die, but as long as we are alive, it seems that our parents, spouses, children, friends, and acquaintances will always be with us. We naively believe that our loved ones are eternal. But death is merciless and sooner or later it takes each of us to itself. This is a given from God, just like life. The more clearly we understand this, the easier it becomes to cope with the loss.
Two big hits
What comes to your mind when you hear the words “the man left”? There can be completely different stories behind this phrase. One woman, the morning after her husband’s death, wrote on social networks that he had left and would not return, that there had been conflicts and now they would never happen again. Many rushed to reassure: they say, he will come back, everyone is coming back. And only gradual clarification revealed the terrible news: he would never be able to return. She was in such a state that she could not write more specifically - and was misunderstood.
Another woman wrote: “That’s it, he’s dead!” And only in the course of a general, alarmed dialogue it became clear that he died only for her, because he cheated and was going to leave for someone else.
In terms of the strength of the stressful impact, these situations are on the list of favorites: the death of a loved one is in first place, and the breakup of a long-term relationship with a partner is in second. Both death and separation are experienced according to the psychological laws of living through loss. They have a lot in common, but, of course, there are also many differences, which we’ll talk about.
Question answer
What do losses teach you?
Expert opinion
Lavrova Tatyana
Rehabilitation specialist, psychologist
When a man or woman loses a loving person, he often cannot cope with emotions and pain. This is partly due to the habit of controlling one’s life and the lives of others, the desire to enjoy even small events, and the refusal to accept a traumatic situation. It should be the other way around: the grieving person understands that love without pain is impossible, and a person in the universe does not control the lives of others.
How to remove superstitions from your life?
Expert opinion
Nadezhda Dubrovskaya
Practicing psychologist, Master of Psychology RGSU, Moscow
We need to turn to God. Orthodoxy, like other confessions and religions, is against superstitions. It is believed that popular beliefs are based on fears and affect base feelings - only caring for the body. A person is not only a physical shell, but also a soul. This is why this method is a lifesaver for bereaved survivors.
What should you do if it seems that the deceased person is constantly coming to you?
Expert opinion
Lavrova Tatyana
Rehabilitation specialist, psychologist
Most likely, this is a consequence of the constant production of memories of a loved one. If you think about someone or something for a long time, this will contribute to the effect of its presence in the room. This situation suggests the need for more active grief. In addition, frequent visions and dreams involving the deceased are the result of a tired brain.
In what direction can you adjust your love so that mental pain goes away?
Expert opinion
Nadezhda Dubrovskaya
Practicing psychologist, Master of Psychology RGSU, Moscow
You can continue to love the deceased even after his death. But you can’t devote your whole life to memories of him. A person must have his own will. This means that if he wishes, he will be able to survive a difficult situation over time. But to do this you need to understand the problem. There is no need to give up love for the deceased, it is enough to accept the fact of his death, build your life anew, ask for help from friends, look for answers on forums, and do what you love.
How long does the feeling of loss last according to scientific concepts?
Expert opinion
Lavrova Tatyana
Rehabilitation specialist, psychologist
There are several stages of grief, each lasting from one to several weeks. No one gives exact dates, because this is an exclusively individual question. As a result, the total period of grieving for the deceased can last six months or 1 year.
How to stop being afraid of death?
Expert opinion
Nadezhda Dubrovskaya
Practicing psychologist, Master of Psychology RGSU, Moscow
It is believed that someone who has looked into the eyes of death at least once can begin to truly love life. At such moments, the awareness of unity with the universe comes, life acquires value. This is difficult for a modern person to understand, because the safest living conditions have been created. But there are more acceptable ways than becoming a hero, like a character in a comic book or film: you can take an active position in life, which will allow you to fill it with important things (serving people, having children, etc.), this will give you an understanding that after death, a particle of a person will continue to exist in others.
How to survive the pain of the death of a loved one?
Expert opinion
Lavrova Tatyana
Rehabilitation specialist, psychologist
When a grieving person is left alone, it is difficult for him to cope with the pain. But still there are different possibilities. All of them contribute to the completion of the stage of active grief and the transition to a new stage. To do this, you need to leave your cozy little world, leave the house more often, communicate with people, find a reason for further existence - find a new meaning in life. This could be helping people, having a child, starting a family. Even a favorite hobby brings relief. But it is equally important to accept what happened, live your pain, and not try to drown it out.
And only death will separate us...
Unfortunately, people are mortal, and sometimes they die unexpectedly. The death of a loved one is all the more traumatic the less opportunity you had to prepare for it. But in any case, the loss of a loved one is a huge stress. How does the grieving process occur in this case?
When I found out that Mark was hit by a car and died on the spot, I, of course, couldn’t believe it. Even when I visited where all this happened, when I went to the hospital, I still didn’t believe it. While at home, I either froze or began frantically looking for something. Suddenly I realized that I needed to arrange a funeral, but I had absolutely no strength for it. I drank tea from his mug and said “his” phrases. I wanted to go out through the window, but it’s good that my mother was nearby. I don’t remember much at all – they told me that later.
At the funeral I felt like I was under anesthesia - I couldn’t cry, people even wondered why I was so “calm”, but I just didn’t feel anything. For several days after the funeral, it seemed to me that I myself had died. There was no appetite, no thirst, and I didn’t want to sleep. I just wanted everyone to be left alone. Mom then took the kids away for a few days, and a friend came over to check if I had eaten anything.
Then something completely unusual began to happen - I began to hear Mark walking around the apartment, rattling his keys at the door at the usual time. Half asleep, I seemed to feel him nearby, and when I went outside, I saw him among people. I thought I was going crazy. It’s good that I came across an article in time about how such a state is normal at this moment.
After about two weeks, I realized: yes, Mark is no more. No and there won't be. I need to handle it myself. Anxiety about how to continue living gave way to anger. Thoughts came into my head that I was afraid to admit. I blamed him for “abandoning” us. “You feel good,” I thought, “but how are we now? How could you be so careless while crossing the road?!” Then she jumped to how much trouble his mother caused Mark with her claims (and he came from her). The children also got it: “if they had behaved properly, he would not have been so tired that day and would have been more attentive.” She blamed herself for a lot. I'm lucky that I have a sensitive friend. She just listened to it all several times without trying to stop me or shame me. Gradually it became easier.
Then it was as if I had fallen into a hole again, from which I emerged only after “forty days.” But at this time I could neither sleep nor eat normally. It seemed to me that life would now always be so bleak and painted in gray tones. I felt alone, truly alone. I tried to be closer to the children, to help them, but this was very difficult. And then, somewhere at the end of the second month, I suddenly felt relief. I was helped by a conversation with the priest in church, communication on the Internet with those who also lost their husbands, and several more consultations with a psychologist. I realized that this condition would not last forever, and I felt better.
I spent the next year learning to cope with my grief. Of course, sometimes it took over, and then I cried, but less and less often and not in public. I went to work and started earning good money. The children continued to study and attend their clubs. Gradually I began to notice that I wanted to put myself in order. I began to eat and sleep better. We rearranged the apartment in order to somehow update the interior, and I finally decided to remove my husband’s clothes and shoes from the “asset”. And although it was not easy for me, I still learned to live without Mark. Although in difficult moments I “turn to” him, and he “answers” me. He's in my heart.
Leah, 38 years old
How to help yourself if you find yourself in such a difficult situation? First, allow yourself to grieve. “Pull yourself together” is, of course, good, but it often leads to the fact that a woman exhausts herself in the first weeks and then for years cannot get out of a state where life seems meaningless. She cannot learn to live again, because she has stopped in the state of “I, too, seemed to have died.” Allow yourself to cry if you cry. Don’t push people away – loved ones and acquaintances. Take all the help they are willing to give. Look for help on the Internet if you are unable to communicate in direct contact. Find an opportunity to work with a psychologist. If you have children, be in the same process with them. If you want to cry, don’t hold back. Talk about the deceased, remember pleasant moments. And remember - then you will manage grief, and not vice versa.
Stages of bereavement
At different times, psychologists J. William Warden and Elisabeth Kübler-Ross identified several main stages of living through a painful situation. They are similar to each other, but were originally designated under different conditions. Thus, J. William Worden identified the stages of grief for grieving relatives, while Elisabeth Kübler-Ross named the stages of grief for people faced with an incurable illness. But in both cases, the result can be the same, in addition, a person can get out of such states by taking the listed rules as a basis.
Shock
The first reaction is to withdraw from the information received about the death of a loved one. The human body helps avoid severe stress, which for many becomes fatal (leads to heart attack, stroke, etc.). Information that can cause such pain is not fully recognized as relating to a person. A relative of the deceased hears the spoken words, but does not identify himself with the person referred to in the message received.
Denial and shock are two mutual consequences when receiving news of the death of a loved one.
At first, the information does not reach consciousness, the person is in shock. Then he gradually comes to his senses. That's when denial kicks in. This is a type of psychological defense that helps you smoothly enter a painful situation, otherwise you can die. Moreover, at the stage of denial, awareness of what happened has already reached the subconscious. A person knows, understands or guesses that a loved one has died. However, the news does not reach consciousness immediately.
The second stage begins: resentment and anger.
This stage is no less emotional than the first. When the person who receives the sad news realizes what has happened, he is bombarded with a whole range of feelings and emotions, most of them heavy: resentment and anger. They are destructive, so those around you should treat the grieving person with understanding, help if possible, not react sharply to harsh statements, and not be offended in response, because at this time the person may not fully understand what he is saying and to whom.
This behavior is explained by the need to give vent to negative emotions.
Anger can be directed at any person around you: acquaintances, relatives, friends, and even passers-by on the street. Even the smallest reason is used for this. Another option is that anger is directed at oneself, which can cause great harm (from deep feelings of guilt to suicide). Resentment appears as a way of partial compensation for the enormous pain that arose in the soul after the news of the death of a loved one. If a person experiences negative emotions, he does not grieve so much on the external level.
Negotiation
When the first emotions become less vivid, they are replaced by hope for the return of the deceased, a change in the situation, and an improvement in one’s own well-being. The grieving person conducts internal negotiations: with himself, the deceased, fate, God. He is ready to promise anything in exchange for changing a difficult situation for the better. However, negotiations are the next stage of denial, when a person cannot accept what happened. Consciousness goes to any lengths to reduce the intensity of pain. But everything is in vain, so a feeling of hopelessness follows.
Despair
When there is nothing left in the soul, this emptiness consumes the grieving person: the vital source of strength (the loved one) disappears, there is no more joy, happiness, future - everything disappeared in an instant. Understanding this is accompanied by the emergence of despair, which is comparable in strength to a tsunami wave. There is no strength to fight this feeling, it is all-consuming, limitless. A person who has not encountered anything like this before simply does not have the spiritual means to overcome such an obstacle.
Support from loved ones after the death of a loved one is something without which it will be more difficult to move on to the next stage. But even alone you can really cope with despair; for this you need to change your worldview. When a grieving person looks at the situation from a different angle, he will find a way out, a way to help himself.
Humility, acceptance
Over time, an understanding of what happened comes. The reactions and feelings of the grieving person change. The pain has not gone away, but may have dulled and transformed. At this stage, the person himself wants to change the situation, get out of the current situation, and find new meanings of existence. He experiences conflicting feelings, but acceptance of the death of a loved one is already inevitable, even if guilt and pain are still felt, and the person often cries. The experience of loss cannot stop instantly, but the grieving person resigns himself, does not attack others, and does not fight for lost happiness.
Pacification
One day the final stage of grief ends. A person is reborn to a new life, he finds peace. But this does not mean that oblivion comes; he ceases to remember the deceased loved one. A loved one will forever remain in the heart, but at the same time peace appears. Throwing ends, negative emotions disappear. When a person reaches this stage, it can be said that he has naturally finished grieving.
Breaking up according to the rules
Larisa lived with her husband for about 15 years, they raised two girls. The daughters were 8 and 11 years old when Larisa’s husband left. She was on vacation in another country when he texted her to tell her that he was leaving for another woman. By the time they returned, his things were no longer in the house. Larisa seemed to have fallen into a stupor: she did not believe that this was the end. She tried to call him, then that one, then the other one. At first she waited. Then I wrote about it on social networks so that all my friends would know. She complained to his mother.
The husband was ready for only one thing - he remains a father, wants to see his daughters, and can take them on weekends. Larisa couldn’t agree to this: “If you did this, then your daughters don’t need you!” No, she didn’t forbid them to talk on the phone, but it became clear to the girls that it was better not to do this: mom would find out what dad said, then get angry and say very bad words about him, and then start crying. When dad tried to come take the girls to the movies, there was a disgusting row.
Of course, Larisa was very worried. She even closed the door to their shared bedroom, moving into the girls' room. The door to the bedroom was blocked by furniture - a chest of drawers had been placed there. “He died for all of us,” says Larisa. The girls feel very bad: one has developed asthma and often suffocates, the other has joint pain so bad that she cannot walk.
You can already see how different these grief situations are. If a person dies, his image is most often idealized. He is seen as a “saint” – an “iconostasis” made from his photographs appears in the house. If a separation occurs (even if the initiator was a woman), there is a lot of anger in the man’s attitude, and he finds a way out in various “ugly” actions, for which he is then ashamed. And the man is not dead, he reacts just as violently!
In both cases, the woman rebuilds her relationship with the man.
In the event of death, she learns that he is “in her heart,” “communicates” with him mentally, and learns in reality to do without his usual help. She leaves a place for him in her soul, gradually beginning to understand that she may have another relationship. This is a relationship not with the person himself, but with his image. As for the breakup, especially when there are children, you have to build relationships anew with all the real options for material support, communication with children, use or division of common property.
Sometimes women who come to work with the topic of separation admit: “It would be better if he died: he would grieve and that’s it. And only good things could be said to children.” For some, this thought horrifies and plunges them into guilt, but in this case the chances of building civilized relations in the future are greater. If a woman hangs around in her hatred, she transmits this to her children, who get sick, suffer and feel unhappy. After all, every child is half from mom and half from dad. If the idea is imposed that dad is bad, then you yourself, it turns out, are half bad. And this is difficult to live with.
How to let go of pain, leaving a bright memory
Psychologists give effective recommendations to help you accept a difficult situation:
- you need to experience the pain, not fence yourself off from it, not try to forget yourself, but at the same time you should not go to the other extreme - endless grief, it is recommended to experience all the feelings, observing your reactions, then over time the intensity of the pain will decrease;
- it is important to rethink what happened, learn a lesson, find an explanation, the reason for the loss, accept it, and also understand that little in the universe depends on a person, nothing belongs to him, which means it is important to be prepared for losses, to go through such tests correctly - with humility ;
- you need to communicate, after a while, willy-nilly, a person will be forced to appear in society, thanks to support, the stage of grief will end faster;
- you cannot avoid thoughts about death, the loss of a loved one - reminding yourself of what happened will allow you to quickly accept the pain and survive it;
- it is necessary to mentally separate from the deceased, then it will be possible to remember him much less often;
- do not feel guilty, accept the possibility of making a mistake, even if it is connected with a difficult situation when a loved one died - such events can be part of the great plan of the universe in relation to a person;
- we must remember that love has been preserved after the death of a loved one, the person himself is the focus of it, you just need to look deep into the soul, discover the ability to give warmth again;
- rest: full, healthy sleep is just as necessary for a grieving person as for any other person, but in this case it is important to restore mental strength as quickly as possible;
- find a hobby or return to previous hobbies: an activity, or even better, an activity that brings happiness, will partly fill the soul with new emotions, which will make it easier to experience grief;
- change of scenery: you can go to another country or visit new places in your city, where you wanted to go right now, this will reveal your desires, help you look at the situation differently, and find the strength to live through the pain.
Thinking: men vs women
Of course, we think, feel and perceive the world differently. Just, dear women, have you ever wondered why you never hear about “single men”? It's about how they perceive periods of non-relationship. For them this is freedom! Why not also start looking at the situation from this angle?
We wonder how to learn to live alone. But it sounds somehow painful, with a slight note of sadness and suffering... Why have we stopped perceiving loneliness as a chance?
