It is no secret to everyone that the final outcome of life is death. You seem to understand this, even partly accept it. But when this happens to your loved one, it absolutely doesn’t matter how many stories you’ve heard, how much information you’ve sifted through. Accepting the fact that your beloved dad is no more is something unbearable and unthinkable.
For a girl, a father is the first beloved man, a certain standard of true strength, courage and support. It is the image of the father that, consciously or not, sits in the head when assessing potential suitors. The death of your dad is something that changes your life in one way or another. Even understanding that your father lived a long and happy life, and you have long been an adult and independent, the accompanying pain does not decrease.
In this article:
5 stages of loss How to help yourself?
How do children aged 6-8 years experience grief?
A child aged 6 to 8 years is a schoolchild who, in communication with peers, tells them about his parents. Therefore, it is important to help children be prepared for questions, where is your dad? You need to teach him to answer briefly, with one phrase, “He died.” But it’s better not to tell others how it happened. The child may behave aggressively with peers and the teacher, so it is important to warn the teacher about the incident so that he can keep an eye on him.
Hobby for the soul
The best outlet can be an interesting hobby that will allow you to switch gears and help you fight bad thoughts. That is why teenagers who have experienced the bitterness of losing a loved one need to engage in their favorite pastime in their free time. Developing creativity helps overcome depression. In addition, constantly being in the company of like-minded people allows you to feel less sad.
The realization that you will never see mom or dad again can come immediately or be disguised as a reluctance to accept this fact. But in both cases, you cannot withdraw into yourself and restrain your emotions. This threatens deep depression. You feel like no one understands loss. Actually this is not true. Look around. You're not the only one losing loved ones. Your relatives may not have parents for a long time, and rarely does anyone remember that, for example, your grandmother has been living on her own for many years.
Imagine that your deceased parent sees you. Did he really want you to suffer, suffer, go astray, or give up your dreams? No, relatives always wish their children happiness. So maybe it’s worth thinking about this and continuing to pursue your dream in the name of your parents.
Self-test questions
- How did you feel immediately after the tragedy?
- What are you feeling now?
How long is too long?
I remember telling someone I was having a hard day about five weeks after my partner drowned. “Why, what happened?” - asked my interlocutor. “Well, Matt died,” I replied. "Oh yes! Does this still bother you?
Still worrying. Yes. In five days, five weeks, five years.
When I talk to someone who has experienced loss in the last two years, I always say, “This just happened. Just a minute ago. Of course, you’re still in pain.” I physically feel how my interlocutor feels better.
We are accustomed to the idea that any serious condition should last a maximum of two months. Exceeding this period is regarded as simulation. As if the loss of a loved one is just a temporary inconvenience, a minor nuisance, something you shouldn’t be upset about for a long time.
Take a break
Try to get back to school as quickly as possible, no matter how difficult it may be. As a last resort, if you don’t want to part with your remaining parents, allow yourself unscheduled vacations. At school and at home your wishes will be treated with understanding.
Try to finish your parenting work. For example, if mom grew flowers and did not have time to plant a garden. Or maybe dad never cleaned up the garage. Firstly, the activity will distract you, and secondly, the result will remind you of a loved one.
If you are offered to take part in an event, a new school or student project, agree. This will distract you from sad thoughts. Nobody wants you to forget about your parent. But he definitely didn’t want you to be alone.
A teenager's grief
The most difficult age for a child is, of course, adolescence. At this time, they are already very emotional and are going through a difficult period, and having lost their father, they are completely unsettled. The teenager begins to look for bad company, secretly smokes cigarettes and drinks alcohol, and even worse, tries drugs. At this age, children hide their emotions from others and most often remain silent. But inside they are very worried, sometimes reaching the point of attempting to commit suicide. It is important to provide the teenager with the proper attention, care and love so that he knows that he can always find support in his mother.
Erase superstitions from your mind
I know that Thomas receives hundreds of questions about superstitions. “We wiped the monument in the cemetery with children’s clothes, what will happen now?” “Can I pick up something if I dropped it in a cemetery?” “I dropped a handkerchief into the coffin, what should I do?” “A ring fell at a funeral, what is this sign for?” “Is it possible to hang photos of deceased parents on the wall?”
The hanging of mirrors begins - after all, this is supposedly a gateway to another world. Someone is convinced that a son cannot carry his mother’s coffin, otherwise the deceased will feel bad. What an absurdity, who else but his own son should bear this coffin?! Of course, the system of the world, where a glove accidentally dropped in a cemetery represents a certain sign, has nothing to do with Orthodoxy or faith in Christ.
I think this is also due to a reluctance to look inside oneself and answer really important existential questions.
Bad habits will increase mental anguish
Quite often, after the death of one of their parents, teenagers try to find solace in alcohol or drugs. The use of such substances turns off the brain and promotes temporary forgetfulness. No matter how trite it sounds, such remedies are not a way out of the situation: they only temporarily dull the pain. Aggression is also quite natural for young people - it is a kind of defensive reaction of the body.
Alas, a bad habit cannot heal a mental wound, since every person sooner or later has to return to reality. In such a case, it is important to realize that the deceased parent would never approve of such behavior. After all, he would like to see his child happy and strong, despite any emotional experiences.
“This can’t be! I do not believe!"
When the news about the sudden death of a father is reported to his relatives, the first thing they feel is rejection of the current situation; it seems to them that this is just a dream, not reality, that this could not happen to them.
Denial is a person’s defensive reaction, so he may not experience any emotions, not cry, because he does not realize what is happening. It will take him some time to come to his senses and accept his father's departure. If adults first of all deny the fact of what happened, then they do not always know what is going on in the child’s soul. Therefore, it is very important to help him not withdraw into himself and not receive psychological trauma that will haunt him throughout his life.
Self-test questions
- Write down pleasant memories of your mom (dad).
- What would you tell your dad (mom) if he (she) were alive today?
- How do you comfort your younger brother or sister?
- What do you want to know about a deceased relative? Write down questions and ask them to other family members.
Action plan
- When sad thoughts about the deceased come flooding in, I will do the following...
- To the remaining parent, I will ask the following questions...
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