When a person is dissatisfied with everything and criticizes everything, what does this mean?

Loss of valuables

Sometimes we think we know how to behave in a given situation, but suddenly something happens that completely unsettles us, and as a result we do the wrong thing.

For example, imagine a situation where a colleague comes to you for professional help. In this situation, you gain a choice (you agree to help him), you are pleased that he chose you and want to be useful (involvement) and you get the opportunity to share your knowledge (competence).

But if suddenly the situation becomes more complicated or begins to develop not according to plan, for example, a colleague changes his mind about using your services, then all three motivation factors will suffer greatly. In such a situation, it is quite difficult to maintain your own motivation.

The habit of criticizing - where does the negative perception of the world come from?

There are many reasons that prompt us to look for flaws in everything that surrounds us.

Dissatisfaction with one's own life. Each of us has dreams and desires, but some can realize them, while others cannot. Sometimes established stereotypes get in the way, and we refuse to implement our plans, and then, when we learn that someone else was able to do what we refused, we attack this person with criticism. Very often this happens out of envy (even unconsciously) - wow, I couldn’t do it, but she did it!

Fear. Often the most ardent critics are those who are afraid of this very criticism. This also happens unconsciously - you feel irritated only because this person has qualities that you would like to get rid of.

Family problems. The child adopts the behavior of his parents. If mom is constantly dissatisfied with something, and dad always criticizes everyone, then the child will see only negative things in life.

Disappointment in life. Very often, when we reflect on what was successful and what was not in life, it turns out that many goals were never achieved. Disappointment sets in and we begin to meticulously examine those around us, trying to prove to ourselves that many things in life have not worked out for others.

Tell me about your fears

Fear is a powerful destructive force that feeds on the energy and common sense of all people. Overcoming your nightmares means freeing yourself from shackles, becoming a more peaceful and free person. But this task is extremely difficult, so most people live in constant anxiety. It is this condition that turns a full-fledged and cheerful person into an eternally dissatisfied person who both mutters under his breath and openly criticizes. What fears drive us and turn us into grumblers?

• Fear of not being accepted by society. That is, the opinion of others is important to a person; if they do not respect him, this is a reason to hate everything around him.
• Fear of being unloved. Why live if no one will appreciate and love you simply for being you?
• Anxiety that something bad might happen and everything will be destroyed.

One of these three fears in any form can lead, or perhaps all of them in tandem feed each other, thus destroying the personality.

Problems

Now let’s look at the most common problems in setting goals that can seriously interfere with achieving results.

1 The goal is too specific

If the goal is set very narrowly, then a person may miss other, very important points. To avoid this mistake, try to gather as much information as possible about your potential target.

2 The goal is too narrow

When you focus on only one problem, you stop noticing others that can also be very important. For example, in one experiment, two groups of students were asked to read a paragraph of text. At the same time, some were asked to find only grammatical errors, and others - all possible ones. Of course, the second group coped with the task better. Because their task was not too narrow.

To avoid this mistake, try to compare your narrow goals with global ones and find a connection between them.

3 Too many goals

People who have too many goals end up focusing on just one, and statistically, some types of goals are ignored much more often than others. In one study, researchers set several goals for volunteers: they had to select stocks for investment and at the same time count the number of portfolios processed and the accuracy of this processing. When the two goals together were found to be unattainable, participants neglected accuracy in favor of quantity.

To avoid this mistake, try to set a minimum number of goals (2-3 per month) and monitor the implementation of each of them.

4 Narrow time period

For example, people with flexible wages often choose to work more hours on high-earning days and fewer hours on low-earning days. At first glance, this is logical, but if during this period you do not focus on time and consider the total income on different days, you can reduce the total working time and at the same time increase earnings.

To avoid this mistake, compare your short-term goals with your long-term ones and try to find a “golden mean” between them.

5 A very risky goal

Sometimes setting goals can trigger risky behavior and greatly reduce productivity. These are, for example, those cases when tightrope walkers, for the sake of glory, set themselves the goal of conquering a rope at a very high altitude without insurance. Yes, some succeed, but others simply die for the sake of an ambitious goal.

Before you set a goal, think about what you are willing to do for it. And be sure to set a clear boundary that you will not cross.

6 Unethical behavior

People are much more likely to lie about their performance if they have a challenging goal than if they don't have any goal. This also happens in situations where it is not possible to achieve the goal.

To avoid this mistake, simply set ethical boundaries for your behavior up front.

7 Goals Get in the Way of Your Learning

If people are given specific goals, they are less likely to resort to alternative methods to achieve them.

Instead of a very clear goal, just indicate the direction in which you want to develop.

8 Purpose encourages competition

If a person is focused on achieving his specific goal, then he can easily succumb to competition or even change his attitude towards others. In this situation, it is much easier to ensure that your goals coincide with the goals of your team.

9 Goal Setting Hijacks Intrinsic Motivation

Intrinsic motivation can decrease even due to the very fact of setting a goal

Often people simply exaggerate the importance of external incentives in motivation. That is why it is better to turn more often to internal motivation

How to be in the present moment

The study Meditation leads to reduced default mode network activity beyond an active task showed that meditation helps reduce DMN activity. Moreover, the effect is noticeable both during and after practice.

Moreover, since meditation improves Dynamical properties of BOLD activity from the ventral posteromedial cortex associated with meditation and attentional skills. attention and working memory, increases Effects of mindfulness on psychological health: a review of empirical studies the feeling of well-being and helps fight Meditation programs for psychological stress and well-being: a systematic review and meta-analysis. with anxiety and depression, scientists concluded that these effects are due to decreased DMN activity.

It is not necessary to start meditating in the classical way: sitting in silence and concentrating on the emptiness in your head. Instead, you can focus on your life. And it will be an exciting adventure.

As soon as you turn off your inner chatterbox and immerse yourself in the experience of the moment, you begin to notice a lot of new things: what an interesting timbre of your friend’s voice, how to optimally fold the dishes so that they stop falling out of the closet, what an incredible color the autumn leaves are and how they contrast with the sky . Most of your “wants” fall off by themselves, leaving only what is necessary and important.

We have everything we really want. This is true, but only if we live in the present moment.

Self-affirmation

People with an inferiority complex are prone to constant criticism. This is how they increase their own importance at the expense of others.

And if before your man was not so critical, but now “with or without reason” - this is a matter of self-esteem.

This could have happened for many different reasons: bad luck in bed last Saturday, an unpleasant conversation with his boss this week, or simply the cockroaches running wild in his head.

How to behave in this case? Show that you believe in him. Praise and thank him, nourish his masculinity and admire him.

And even if it seems to you that there is nothing to praise for. Look at the little things. Motivate him to act in such a way that there is a reason for praise. I have said more than once that your femininity is the best fuel for his masculinity.

If you don’t know how to do this yourself and think that he should deserve praise and gratitude, the problem is with you, dear.

The reason for my husband’s eternal dissatisfaction is that he doesn’t know how to switch.

Some people do not know how to switch their thoughts and emotions from negative to positive. We can say that they are stuck in some negative situation and cannot emotionally get out of it. And it goes without saying that problems are constantly spinning in your head, and a dissatisfied face is like a scoreboard on which all the numbers are displayed.

How is your husband doing at work? Does he have problems?

Especially if your husband comes home from work angry and dissatisfied, then this has nothing to do with you.

Men have one peculiarity: it is difficult for them to focus on several things and thoughts at the same time.

Men are single-taskers! In one unit of time, they solve one problem.

And it is quite possible that when your man comes home from work, work issues continue to spin in his head, and he cannot adjust to household chores.

This reason can be calculated quite easily, based on several signs:

1. He talks about his problems, blames his superiors, colleagues, etc.
2. When he comes home, he looks unhappy, but after a while, maybe an hour, he begins to smile and communicate normally with you. He needs this hour to switch his thoughts, and therefore, he should not jerk him and ask: “How are you?”

Different approaches to online learning

It is impossible to say unequivocally that all online courses are bad. However, it would be more correct to divide them into several key categories. For example, studies have shown that students using a mixed method (online with offline elements) end up achieving quite high results.

But if we talk about completely online learning, then this category is recognized as the most problematic. Classes without the supervision of a teacher require high interest and motivation, and yet no more than 5% of students have the necessary qualities.

However, despite all its shortcomings, online education still remains quite popular and in demand, and in different segments, from the school curriculum to the university course. Still, this saves a lot of time and often allows you to gain the necessary skills almost without leaving production.

How to stop criticizing and learn to enjoy life?

If there is every reason to believe that you are depressed, then it is better to consult a psychologist. If criticism has simply become a habit, then you can deal with it on your own. First, learn to notice the moments when you judge something or someone, take them apart, looking only for the bad. If you notice that you are “carried away” into the negative, immediately try to say something good, positive. Of course, no one forces you to lie and be a hypocrite, lavishing praise left and right. We are talking about unconstructive criticism, when nothing is proposed to improve the situation, and only the bad is noticed.

Every time you feel the urge to criticize someone, try to put yourself in that person’s shoes and understand why they behave the way they do.

If you are already at the stage when you see only the negative in everything, then at least through force, using the method of self-hypnosis, try to look for at least something good in people and in everything that surrounds you. It will be difficult at first, but over time you will begin to notice the positive, talking about it will be much more pleasant than discussing someone.

If possible, try to communicate less with those people who are constantly unhappy with everything. And when you are about to once again express your dissatisfaction with someone, imagine how this scene looks from the outside. It is unlikely that you would want to communicate with such a person...

Psychologists say that recognizing a problem is half solving it. Of course, it will take time to get rid of the desire to look for negativity, but you didn’t develop this habit right away. The main thing is to have a desire, and then you will learn to see the world in bright colors!

How to communicate with people who are unhappy with everything and everyone

Dealing with people who see complete flaws in others and do not consider it necessary to hide it is not easy. And it is not always possible to avoid such unpleasant communication. How to maintain a good mood if you cross paths with a toxic person? Let's talk with clinical psychologist Nadezhda Georgieva .

– Nadezhda, what does psychology say about people whom you don’t feed with bread - let me find a reason for dissatisfaction?

– People who are constantly dissatisfied with everything and like to criticize have an external locus of control. They do not feel responsible for what happens to them, so they often position themselves as the victim. With amazing ease they find those “to blame” for their troubles and failures, often far-fetched.

Such people are confident that those around them should take care of their comfort and well-being. If these expectations are not met, they begin to become indignant and make claims. They strive to control other people even in small things. They are very self-centered - they don’t give a damn about other people’s feelings and interests, the main thing is to emotionally discharge themselves. They cut the truth without thinking that it can be very painful for a person.

They live in a system of numerous strict prohibitions and get very angry if someone lives differently. They expertly clip the wings of those who carelessly entrusted them with their dreams and plans. After their devaluing remarks, it’s easy to grab your head: “How stupid is what I’ve planned!” - and abandon the intended path. Communication with eternally dissatisfied people is like poison, so contacts with them should be minimized, or better yet cut off completely.

– It is not always possible to avoid communicating with those who are always out of sorts - for example, with relatives. How to be in this case?

– Adjust your attitude to what is happening and your strategies of behavior and communication. On the one hand, it is important to remind yourself that relatives are not chosen and a person can change only of his own free will. Therefore, it is better not to indulge in dreams about how one day your loved one will stop being a grouch. He is what he is, he cannot be changed.

On the other hand, you need to regain your locus of control - soberly assess what you can do in the current situation. For example, gently but clearly define the boundaries: “Thank you, I heard you. Let's end this conversation." Or give feedback, indicating your condition: “I don’t like listening to this.” Or separate yourself: “You have one life experience, and I have another, so my opinion does not coincide with yours.”

If communication with a relative always ends in a quarrel, try to keep company with him as little as possible. Everyone has the right to avoid interaction with a toxic person, even if they are related by blood. There is nothing wrong with protecting your peace of mind. Of course, you should not refuse an invitation to a wedding or anniversary just because this relative will be among the guests. Just reduce contact and move conversations to neutral topics.

It happens that complaints and dissatisfaction come from the mother. Well, you have more room for sincerity in communicating with her. Do not under any circumstances develop the brewing conflict, do not utter phrases that will only inflame her: “You are impossible,” “You are disgusting,” “You are disgusting.” Feel yourself in your body, in your mind and resolutely draw boundaries: “Mom, I love and respect you. You have your own experience, your own conclusions. I heard you. Thank you for sharing your opinion. I will think and make my decision myself.”

– Dissatisfied people can meet at work. How to communicate with grumbling colleagues?

– It depends on what level your relationship is, how long and how closely you have known each other. There is an opportunity to ignore communication - take advantage of it. You can, for example, put on headphones and turn on music. If conflict flares up, tactfully set boundaries (aggression will only make things worse). Say a phrase like “The office is a place for work, not for personal bickering. It’s better to take quarrels outside of it.” If you are on friendly terms with a colleague, you can cut him off in a friendly manner, but only based on your own boundaries, i.e. speaking exclusively about himself: “I feel unpleasant,” “It hurts me,” “I’m angry.”

If a colleague makes a complaint, try to find an option that suits both of you. For example, a workmate thinks that you open the window too often, while he sits in a draft and risks catching a cold. Kindly explain that you feel unwell in a stuffy room. And invite the whole office to leave for ten minutes at the agreed time, leaving the window open. The second option is to change places with a colleague during the ventilation period.

Sometimes co-workers make unfounded comments, for example: “Why don’t you rush to wash your cup as soon as you drink your tea? It stands, callused, on the table for a whole hour and a half!” Such attacks indicate a desire to break through your boundaries. Well, you have to defend them: “This is my cup, it’s on my table. And only I can decide how often and how thoroughly to wash it.”

– There are a lot of irritable people in clinics, shops, and public transport. Perhaps they are easiest to ignore?

- Yes. If you don't give them what they crave - attention, they will run out of steam very quickly. But remember that sometimes it is not easy to get rid of such people. They persistently try to involve the intended victim in conflict communication in order to feed on her emotions. Therefore, maintain emotional fortitude. And if you feel discomfort and begin to get irritated, try making a remark, only in an emphatically polite manner. If a person’s behavior goes beyond the bounds of decency, or even more so, is threatening, warn that you will call the police. It is your right to take care of your borders and safety.

Interviewed by Irina Bareyko

... or destructive?

The reasons for such criticism may be hidden not only in your relationship, but also in his internal state. You could have hurt him or offended him with something. But he was hurt and he cannot forgive. Even if he tries hard.

It is very easy to notice and understand if he criticizes:

• on little things;
• without a real reason;
• he is constantly dissatisfied with everything;
• shifts focus from one problem to another;
• criticizes your appearance in a way that really hurts.

And there is no point in asking the questions “What’s wrong with me?” The whole point of criticizing is to hit your self-esteem and instill doubt in you.

If this doesn't work, he may not be interested in a harmonious relationship. There are also cases when a man criticizes, feeling guilty of cheating.

A dissatisfied person, or Always rejoice!

There is a type of people who are always dissatisfied. Each of us encounters them all the time. Those who are dissatisfied can be roughly divided into three main categories: those who are dissatisfied with themselves; dissatisfied with others; dissatisfied with everything.

The first category is not dangerous for others, although over time it begins to tire. A person who is dissatisfied with himself evokes sympathy from those around him. I feel sorry for him, it’s hard for him to live in this world. Friends and relatives can convince him as much as they want that he is beautiful, but he doesn’t believe it. As a result, no one runs the risk of encouraging someone who is dissatisfied with themselves, because this entails a long lecture with a detailed listing of the signs of their own imperfection. And yet, this category is the most harmless, especially since each of us falls into it from time to time.

He who is dissatisfied with others constantly sees enemies and pests around him. They looked at me wrong, they said the wrong thing, they pushed me in the transport, they didn’t answer politely enough, but in general - where are the signs of great respect for my beloved? If something is bad in this world, it is always someone else's fault. No one dares to experience negative emotions (if this is not intended by the dissatisfied person) - a doctor has no right to be tired and unfriendly, a store clerk has no right not to smile - in general, no imperfection!

The third category is reputed to be the most progressive and subtle people. Joy and satisfaction are the prerogative of the average man and the fool in their opinion. A progressive person cannot forget for a minute that everything is actually bad! And be sure to remind everyone of this, especially those who dare to rejoice at something. Usually, along the way, slightly humiliating, or even not slightly...

The most striking examples, as always, can be found on social networks. The same Facebook is simply a treasure trove for observations of human nature. What you won't see, what you won't read. It seems that the very format of the social network encourages such reactions and an outburst of one’s dissatisfaction for everyone to see. If you have nothing to write, scold someone (something), and a portion of likes and sympathetic comments is guaranteed.

Marketers have long known that negative reviews about a service are written much more readily than positive ones. It’s easier to scold and, what’s more, somehow more pleasant. For some reason, criticism feeds the ego. If you are dissatisfied with something, it means that in the eyes of your readers you are a progressive person, conscientious, perspicacious and independent.

Sometimes you wake up in the morning and it’s pleasantly raining outside. You open Facebook, and those who are dissatisfied have already written - ah-ah-ah, how terrible the weather is! The next morning the sun is shining - but the dissatisfied people are not so happy again, it’s painfully hot! This is not how stops are announced in the metro, on some line - what a horror - Stas Mikhailov! How dare they, these metro bosses, come up with such a thing? And in general, our country is terrible, people are gloomy, no one smiles, there are scoundrels and fools everywhere, in general, there is nothing to be happy with... much less be happy about anything!

And for those who dare to rejoice in something, there will always be those who want to open their eyes to how terrible everything is in this world. For example, a person says how great it has become in our city, clean, flowers, fountains. And he was immediately answered - of course, do you know how many kickbacks went into the pockets of officials, and you know how the budget was cut, and most importantly, you know that this is all to distract you from the main political problems? “Look, what the weather is like, it’s sunny! - yes, they can do it... (or “yes, they have money for this”) - remember that old joke?

I keep thinking about the nature of this discontent - why, oh why? One enjoys every little thing and sees good more often than bad, while the other looks for a catch in everything? Which approach is better? Or maybe we need a golden mean, the “royal path”?

It seems to me that the origins of dissatisfaction (or gratitude) lie in different attitudes towards life. To put it simply, if you think that life (Dear Universe, God, Fate, whoever) owes you something (everything), then, of course, any deviation from the ideal scheme that is in your head torments and outrages. How is it that I was pushed? How is it that the weather is not perfect every day?? How is it that there are a lot of ugly people on the street??? And so on, endlessly. At its logical extreme, this is the path to madness.

And if you see the world as a gift given to you “for nothing.” You didn’t deserve it, but YOU deserve THIS! Sky, sun, rain - whatever. Lord, thank you! And what kind of grass, and how the dust glows, and so on endlessly.

Of course, in their pure form, both types are rare, but whatever one may say, living with the structure of the soul of the second type is much more interesting and exciting. And more constructive. Because if you know that no one should “do well” for you, you yourself will be more willing to take on creation in order to, to the best of your modest ability, do it “well” for yourself or someone else. It is necessary to make a reservation that “being grateful” does not at all mean rejoicing in evil and lawlessness, putting up with meanness and all that. It's not about being happy about everything. It’s about not missing out on the really good stuff. Including among the bad ones.

Many will say that “just being happy” is, after all, stupid and childish. But to me, a capricious blogger cursing snowfall or an insufficiently pleasant voice on the subway looks much more childish.

It seems to me that the golden mean is to always inquisitively evaluate your desire to publicly express dissatisfaction. How objective is your judgment, how susceptible or not is it subject to momentary emotions. And, most importantly, will it bring benefit or harm? What will your dissatisfaction contribute to - improving the world or increasing entropy? And if you check this every time, perhaps there will be a little less dissatisfaction in the world.

Honestly, the world is worth celebrating.

There is so much love for us

And there is such an abyss of time,

What a total nonentity

Will swallow it for free.

Yunna Moritz

Subpersonality that does not give the right to mistakes

The emergence of the inner critic occurs in childhood. A child, exploring the world and his capabilities, is faced with the expectations of society and the discontent of others when he does not live up to these expectations.

When raising children, adults are guided by a certain set of rules of behavior that they adopted from their parents. And as soon as a child breaks these rules, he is scolded, criticized, shown his dissatisfaction, deprived of encouragement, put in a corner, thus demonstrating that actions outside the rules are punishable. As a result, the little person gains experience: everything that is not included in the “correct” category is fraught with trouble.

Jordan Whitt/unsplash.com

In order to prevent further painful experiences from punishment for “wrong” actions, a protective intrapsychic mechanism is developed that inhibits human activity. This is self-criticism, or the inner critic. Since the child absorbs everything that comes from the outside, his critical voice speaks in the words and intonations of significant people: parents, educators, teachers.

“Shameless, arrogant idiot! You are nothing of yourself!” — a young woman hears her father’s words in her head in situations where she needs to defend her point of view or express her desires. These phrases have been etched into her memory since childhood and emerge against her will, depriving her of strength and self-confidence. These thoughts make her hands and feet cold, her throat constricts, her body turns to stone, like in childhood, and she can’t do anything about it.

A person who was criticized, condemned, and punished a lot in childhood has a lot of doubts about his abilities, skills, usefulness, and dignity. His inner critic is strong and active. He stands guard so that a person does not get into trouble, so that his actions do not again turn out to be wrong. Often this subpersonality deprives us of the ability to do anything at all.

Who should not study online?

Despite the obvious advantages, online education is completely contraindicated for some people. This primarily concerns less prepared students and those who do not have sufficient self-control and organization. Experts made this conclusion during a study based on Chicago schools. Students who failed the exam were divided into two groups to prepare for a retake. As a result, among those who studied online, the failure rate was quite high, but those studying “live” successfully retook the exam.

But for people who are very motivated to study, such courses, on the contrary, can help expand their horizons and acquire new skills.

Nuances of education

A very good reason. If it was customary in his family to communicate at the level of criticism and complaints with or without reason, he will adhere to the same strategy in relationships. Dropped a cup - a bungler, came with a deuce - a fool, a girl refused - “not a man.”

All this becomes fuel for everyday nagging. There are two news: bad and good.

I'll start with the bad: it's impossible to change a man with a snap of your fingers. There is a chance only if he himself realizes the problem and wants to solve it. I’ll tell you a secret: men in general are extremely difficult to change and I strongly do not recommend doing it.

So if you are at the stage of choosing a partner and you no longer like the fact that he criticizes you, teases you, finds fault with you - end this relationship.

The good news: if a man works on himself, and you keep up and change like a woman, his bad habit can be eradicated.

How to Avoid a Shame Spiral

As you move through the five stages of bereavement, it may happen that some rejection or criticism will set off a chain reaction of negative thoughts and doubts. For example: “I was rejected because my idea was no good. It means I'm mediocre or not smart enough. Of course, I'm mediocre - I failed my final exams. Speaking of exams, I was a failure at school too. Yes, I’m still a loser! I won’t succeed, it’s easier to forget about it.”

If you notice that you have become unreasonably negative towards yourself or, contrary to reason, are looking for evidence of your inadequacy, then you have fallen into a shame spiral. One thought leads to another, as if you are stuck in quicksand and will soon fall headlong. How to get out? Here are some tips:

1. Recognize that you have entered a shame spiral. This spiral begins to unwind when you draw lines from today's failure to the past or allow the current failure to paint everything in dark tones: “Bad day, bad week, whole life is crap.” When you fall into despair, you urgently need to understand that you do not see the truth, but what your mood tells you.
2. Relax and take a deep breath. If you get stuck in quicksand, fill your lungs with air and you won't drown. If you're panicking after being rejected or criticized, taking slow breaths can help you calm down.
3. Take a pause. If you start twitching, you will get stuck even deeper in the sand. After hearing refusal or criticism, do not make hasty movements. Before any important decision, take a pause - allow yourself to experience resentment, anger or disappointment.
4. Find a way to get out. Engage in some kind of restorative activity to lift your spirit and dispel bad moods. If meditation helps you, find balance with it, blow off some steam with a run, or reach out to your trusted circle.

Whiners, dissatisfied and always suffering

• No time and can't get anything done? Stop surfing the Internet, the phone, playing on the computer and lying on the couch. There will immediately be enough time, just like everyone else.

• Small salary? If you don’t earn well, improve your qualifications, change your job to another and get more. But is it easier to whine than to look for solutions and work?

• Child benefit is pathetic? Before you have sex, think about whether you can raise a child. Nobody promised to feed your children. This is your decision and you give birth to children for yourself, and not for the state, parents or others.

• Poor health? Drink, smoke and party all your life, and then complain about your health? First, pregnant women drink and smoke, and then the whole world collects money for treatment for a child?

• Are banks taking money? There was no point in taking out a new iPhone, car or other similar nonsense on credit. 50% of things that are bought on credit or in installments are not particularly needed by a person.

• Too fat, too thin and bad heredity? How many times do you play sports a week, how do you eat and what kind of lifestyle do you lead? It's easier to complain than to go for a run and go to the gym.

• Do your parents or grandparents help you a little? Your parents gave birth to you and raised you. They are not obligated to give you a car, get you a good job, or move out of their apartment to make room for you.

• Money is tight? Eternal complaints about the small amount of money in your wallet? But the show-off is through the roof. Every weekend at the club, expensive phones, branded clothes, trips to Europe and money down the drain. Maybe show off less or earn more?

People complain about things all the time. If a person constantly complains but doesn’t change anything, then he’s happy with everything. He just likes to whine and get sympathy. He is not looking for a solution, but wants you to feel sorry, help, or join the stream of negative whining.

How to protect yourself from the flow of negativity and whiners?

• Create distance with the whiner. Avoid always dissatisfied people and try not to communicate. Whiners make you weaker and pull you into their abyss of whining.

• Ask for a solution. Ask how the person is going to solve his problem. Usually whiners shut up because they need to complain, not solve the problem.

• Ignore. Sometimes the people closest to you whine. Put on your imaginary defense, nod and smile.

If you like to whine, whine. But step aside and don’t pester people with your tears and snot who want to be happy and enjoy every day in life.

Forming a definition

Even in official psychology, no one calls an eternally dissatisfied person in one word. It’s just that a term that would characterize this phenomenon has not yet been invented, despite its ubiquity. But among the people there is a very clear and justified “nickname” for such people, which, although it sounds fun and funny, has a very serious context. So, what do you call a person who is always dissatisfied with himself, those around him, life and everything in the world in general? Grumpy. This is exactly how such individuals are called in the fairy tale about Dunno. They don’t just mutter something under their breath, condemning this existence (although this is the norm for them). Such people can openly criticize anyone and anything, they cannot be liked, they cannot be pleased. The weather is always bad, even if the sun is shining, it is too bright. The food is always under-salted or over-salted, etc. And it turns out that whatever an eternally dissatisfied person is called, that’s how he behaves - grouchy, quarrelsome, repulsive.

How does the inner critic manifest itself?

1. Dissatisfaction with one’s appearance, character, behavior: from mild annoyance to self-hatred. A striking example of this is women who go under the knife of a plastic surgeon in order to remake their body.

2. Feeling of awkwardness and shame at the slightest reason. Hence the ban on pleasure and the realization of one’s own desires as a punishment for one’s wrongdoing. Surely you have met such people.

3. Comparing yourself with others, often not to your advantage. Those around you are initially perceived better in all respects. From here arise relationships built on emotional dependence. And from here the legs of dependence on the opinions of others grow.

4. Irritation as a background feeling, regardless of the situation. Constant dissatisfaction with oneself sooner or later develops into irritation.

5. The desire to do everything perfectly.

6. Demandingness, rigidity and irreconcilability towards oneself and others. The inner critic is merciless in his assessments and demands that everything be perfect. When this subpersonality is developed, a person becomes like his critical part.

7. Doubt about the correctness of your thoughts, feelings, desires. This gives rise to the state of “I don’t know what I want,” helplessness and infantilism.

8. Blurring personal boundaries from within. The inner critic devalues ​​the person himself and idealizes the opinions of significant people.

9. Harsh self-criticism suppresses naturalness, spontaneity, emotionality, sexuality, creative expression, and contributes to the development of apathy and depressive states.

Inbox forwarding

Redirecting incoming aggression is one of the most common reasons for criticism. Not only among men.

Work conflicts, family squabbles and a bunch of other things can cause emotional stress in him.

That’s why a storm often hits you, but the aggression doesn’t reach the culprit.

So you get the role of a punching bag. If you understand that criticism and complaints are absolutely unfair, carefully ask how he is doing. Find out what makes him angry, why he behaves this way.

I recommend talking about your feelings, this will melt his heart and help you better convey your thoughts to him.

A man cannot resist this. You literally make him fall in love with you!

For example, like this: “Darling, I have a feeling that you’re actually angry about something else. Tell me what happened."

This is how you can show your love in a way that he will truly understand.

By talking about your feelings, you let the man know that you don’t take his criticism with hostility. That you are open to dialogue.

Three main scientific truths of motivation

Motivation is the energy that we need to perform a particular action. Three main factors can provide you with a large amount of good quality energy - choice, involvement and competence.

You must have a choice. Every person has a need to realize that he has the right to choose, to feel his capabilities and to manage the situation. Every person has the right to choose how to behave, otherwise achieving his goals becomes a more difficult task.

You have to have ownership. Each of us has a need to feel a close connection with other people. We strive to set meaningful goals and contribute to the common good. If this does not happen, then the quality of your energy suffers seriously and you do not experience any satisfaction from the process.

You must be competent. A person must know that he has the ability to manage everyday situations and demonstrate his skills while experiencing his own growth. If this does not happen, then the energy is blocked and frustration sets in from the inability to perform the simplest tasks.

It is these three truths that underlie the motivation of every person. If you look around, you will notice that if these three factors are present, you are calm and confident, but if you lack something, then you feel fear, anger, stress and a lot of pressure.

Our brain has an interesting feature - the reticular formation system. It goes off like an alarm, for example, when someone calls your name loudly in a noisy room

And it can help to understand the importance of gaining choice, belonging and competence

Through this prism, you can look at the actions and behavior of children from a completely different angle. For example, a baby who tries to feed himself with a spoon is defending his choice, a two-year-old who turns to a stranger is trying to gain belonging, and a baby who takes his first steps and falls is learning competence.

An exercise to help you deal with your inner critic

avemario/Depositphotos.com

Methodology

An active inner critic can ruin your life. While you evaluate your actions with the help of this subpersonality, you continue to look at yourself through the eyes of significant adults from childhood. One of the ways to get out of the influence of the inner critic is to learn to evaluate your actions yourself, based on your current capabilities and lifestyle.

I offer you one exercise that will help you cope with this task. It reduces the activity of the inner critic and helps improve self-esteem. Do it at the end of the day.

Keep a separate notebook. Divide a sheet of paper in half with a vertical line. On the left, write down in a column all the complaints that you have against yourself today. Put down your notebook. Drink tea, mind your business or take a walk. And after 15–30 minutes, write opposite each negative statement what advantages you received as a result of this situation.

Important points

1. Write down complaints not for your entire life, but only for today: what you didn’t do that day, didn’t finish, did wrong. Start dealing with your critic little by little, otherwise you will not be able to cope with the number of complaints against yourself.

2. You need to write until you feel that you have nothing more to say. Let your critical voice speak out, and you may learn useful things for yourself.

3. A feature of the internal critic is a generalization, which manifests itself in phrases such as “Everything is bad”, “Nothing worked out”, “As always”, “A complete fool”, “A terrible cretin”. Therefore, if you want to write something similar in the left column, clarify what your mistake was, what you were bad at. With such a detailed description, the emotional charge decreases. There is an opportunity to see what you have achieved.

4. If you have nothing to object to the claim of your inner critic, then agree with him. After all, he is often right. But add something that could compensate for your mistake.

Let's talk heart to heart

Of course, you personally will not be able to correct a grumbler, even if it is your mother or brother. Remember that a person can only help himself; no “therapy” or other techniques will be effective until he understands the essence of the problem and is eager to solve it. All you can do is push him towards this outcome. With a family member who has similar negative qualities, try to have a heart-to-heart talk. What bothers him so much and why does he speak so negatively about you, perceives all words negatively, sees everything in black. By remembering everything and sharing this with you, firstly, the grumbler will get rid of emotional baggage, secondly, he will begin to rethink the situation, and thirdly, he will understand what kind of fear is driving him. Often people of the old school are dependent on the opinions of others, even if it is the opinion of a stranger from the elevator. That's why they growl at their children, scolding them for mischievous behavior, apologizing out of the blue for smiling, for asking a question, etc. If you stop thinking about what others will say, even for a second, life will become easier.

false mirror

Are you annoyed by your friend's way of speaking or her habit of wearing short skirts? Don't you like untidy people? Stingy men?

Likewise, your man can criticize you for being overweight, although he himself has tens of extra pounds.

Or he compares you with others in the style of “here’s Tolik’s wife...”, but doesn’t remember that Tolik provides his woman with everything to make her happy.

To deal with this problem, you definitely shouldn’t scream and throw tantrums. First, think about whether you give him the opportunity to express himself as a man. Are you a woman who destroys or creates?

If the latter, explain to him softly, confidently and in a calm voice that you will not accept criticism in this form. Choose your words carefully.

You also need to be able to talk about your boundaries or refuse a man.

What not to do

In all cases, without exception, people who are always dissatisfied with life are drowning people who scream and beg you for help. With all this, they can be especially aggressive, and when you start to “rescue” them, they will try their best to push away you and your proposals. In such situations (if the person is dear to you), under no circumstances stop fighting for him. Living with clenched teeth and enduring his eternal negative attacks is a destructive policy for both him and you. Remember that psychologists know about eternally dissatisfied people; they know how to help them and guide them in the right direction. But first of all, you must, as a family and friend, persuade the grumbler to resolve his main problem.

Forms of manifestation

Well, now let's see exactly what these fears look like and what qualities they develop in the affected individual:

• Vulnerability. All words, even compliments, are perceived with a minus sign. They tell her that she looks good today, and she asks: “And yesterday, that means I looked bad?”
• Categorical. Even the most innocent actions of people are considered as universal evil. A guest who does not praise the hostess's cake is an uncouth rude person!
• Extreme self-doubt. A person simply cannot move along the path of life, because he is afraid to take a step to move closer to his dream, and blames himself for inaction. A vicious circle generates eternal discontent.
• Demandingness. This trait is most characteristic of parents who did not succeed in life. They make children into “super personalities” so that they can be proud of them, demanding the impossible.
• Pessimism. No comments here. Even before the most successful and attractive event, pessimists will tell you how and why it will go wrong.
• Emotional reclusion. It borders on self-doubt, but manifests itself somewhat differently. Such people always leave things unsaid so that “the information will not be used against them,” and have a superficial attitude towards both work and relationships. When everything stops working out for them, they start grumbling.

About dissatisfied people

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There are toxic substances, they are also poisons. And there are toxic people - those who can poison your life. It is impossible not to meet such characters at all. Have you ever noticed the following manifestations among your loved ones, friends, acquaintances, colleagues:

This is the colleague who seems to not only be shrouded in a cloud of negative aura, but also covers everything around him with it. Such people feel satisfaction when they create problems and anger others. They turn any situation into a stressful one. Let's call them “toxic people”.

1. Everything is always bad for them.

Such a person is always dissatisfied, whines all the time or makes malicious jokes. He can behave both as an eternal victim and as an aggressor, but in both cases he literally infects you with his black and gray view of the world.

2. They are sure that they are always right.

No evidence or arguments help - such a person hears only himself. They do not conduct a normal adult dialogue; they will interrupt, shut your mouth and simply interrupt the conversation if they do not agree with something. Oddly enough, the reason for such obstinacy may be self-doubt, but you are not this person’s personal therapist to deal with his childhood or not-so-childhood traumas. Your task is just to save yourself and your nerves.

3. They are drama queens.

If you communicate closely or, for example, are in a love relationship, then your life is constantly filled with drama. Crises, conflicts, hysterics, scandals - you get all this in full, you won’t get bored... They literally enjoy the very process of the scandal, but after that they also manage to present themselves as victims and blame you for everything.

4. They waste your time.

These people have an amazing talent for popping up in your life at the wrong time, often without warning, and taking up your time - you can’t get rid of them right away, they urgently need to talk, and they don’t really care that you’re busy or have other plans.

5. They lack empathy.

These people have problems with empathy and emotional intelligence - they do not sympathize, do not empathize, and do not know how to put themselves in the shoes of another person. And they don't want to. After all, the center of the world is themselves.

6. They constantly criticize you.

Sometimes we want our friends and family to tell us the harsh truth without embellishment or give us direct advice. But toxic people are something completely different. They are masters of unsolicited advice and passive-aggressive attacks. They criticize you, your choices, your lifestyle, you constantly feel like you have to justify yourself.

7. They talk more than they listen.

These people do not know how to maintain a normal dialogue. They are so self-absorbed that they are sure that everyone should listen only to them, so they speak without stopping and interrupt at every word.

8. They lie.

It doesn’t cost them anything to lie, make up big stories, present a story with tiny additions in their favor, “forgetting” facts that don’t suit them.

9. They say nasty things about others.

Does your friend always talk about people behind their backs? Gossiping and retelling who said something bad about whom? Don't participate in this: gossip pollutes your life and ruins not only your relationships with others and your reputation, but also your mood. And you can rest assured: if a person tells you bad things about others, he will also talk bad things about you as soon as the door slams behind you.

10. They only talk about themselves.

The dialogue is structured like this: your friend talks about herself, brags, complains, even asks for advice... But she never asks questions about what’s going on with you. And it literally leaves no room for your response: “But I have...”. Are you sure this is a dialogue?

11. They control you.

Even a very close friend or relative has no right to control your life, your feelings and actions. Do you notice attempts at control and manipulation? Goodbye!

12. They play the victim.

A sign of psychological maturity is the ability to take responsibility for one’s actions. If a person always blames other people or circumstances for everything, and never takes responsibility for himself, this is infantilism. But the main thing is that it is toxic for you. If a loved one blames you for all his troubles or simply complains about how the whole world is to blame for him (his mother and father who did not love him, the good God, the stork that dropped him on the way from the maternity hospital... - underline what is necessary) - listening to this is just as harmful for you how to inhale gases from an exhaust pipe. Don’t listen, don’t get involved, don’t let yourself be poisoned by other people’s negativity.

13. They are impolite to strangers.

If a person is polite to you and to other people in his circle, but is rude to strangers, especially those who are “lower” in status, this is a very unpleasant signal. White bone, blue blood? After all, we do not live in medieval Europe or in the Indian caste system - we do not have “lower” or untouchables. If your new acquaintance is nice and charming to you, but in passing he yelled at the waiter, cloakroom attendant and saleswoman, run. Firstly, this is just a sign of bad upbringing, and secondly, then he will yell at you too.

14. They often lose control of themselves.

Does your loved one lose his temper so easily that your interactions feel suspiciously like walking through a minefield? Topics that need to be avoided are multiplying every time - you say something wrong, and he no longer answers for himself? Adults are supposed to be able to control their emotions. Here is the psychologist's phone number.

bad for no reason.

And finally, the main test: intuition. It seems that the person doesn’t do or say any special nasty things, but you feel uncomfortable next to him - you lose self-confidence, your mood deteriorates, you start to get angry - that’s all, that’s enough. Don't blame yourself: intuition is most important in communication. It is your sixth sense that tells you: this person is toxic for you, you do not need to communicate with him.

16. A person cannot get results. When asking: why? He answers: that he tried everything, but his strength is not enough. He needs someone to help, he can’t handle it on his own. In fact, he needs your power, and when communicating, he will take it away. And you will feel like a squeezed lemon.

17. A man forces everyone to do as he ordered. When asking: why? The answer is: to maintain your authority. Otherwise, give them free rein, they will sit on your head and dangle your legs. And with these words, he brings you the “virus” of suppressing your will. There's a knot in your stomach. And you just want to agree with him rather than argue.

18. Vulnerability or a tendency to be offended by other people’s comments: for example, the phrase “you look great today” evokes an exclusively negative reaction: “So yesterday I looked bad?”

19. Categoricalism or a tendency to invest negative motivation in completely innocent actions of other people : for example, guests who do not praise the hostess’s treat are regarded as “uncouth rude people who do not deserve invitations in the future.”

20. Lack of self-confidence. We are talking about a feeling of helplessness, an inability to cope with the trials that we encounter along the path of life, which leads to severe anxiety when faced with such trials and to feelings of shame and guilt if a person avoids these trials.

21. Pessimism or the tendency to believe that the future is dark and hopeless. For example, negative people are much more willing to imagine how and why an important commercial visit might go wrong than vice versa.

22. The desire to control the behavior of other people, especially loved ones. For example, negative people make strict demands on how their children should eat, what kind of car they should buy, and so on.

And these are not all types of human viruses. There are cooler ones. But it is important to understand that they are absolutely unaware that they are such. They don't know they are harming you. All this happens subconsciously, i.e. unconsciously. Understanding is the wisdom to understand what is happening and decide what to do.

It is worth noting that all of the above manifestations of negativity have one thing in common, namely the tendency to blame external factors - other people, the environment or “luck” - rather than oneself and one’s negative attitude towards the world.

Negative people often think, “If only people knew what I was capable of, if only people were kinder to me, if the world wasn’t full of dangers, and if only my friends, colleagues, and family treated me the way I should.” I would like that, I would be happy!”

At first glance, it may seem rather paradoxical that negative people experience self-doubt and at the same time consider themselves entitled to demand respect and love from others. It may also seem quite paradoxical that negatively minded people look with pessimism at their own future and at the same time demand success from others. However, in reality there is no paradox here. This happens because negative people do not feel respected and loved, do not feel that they themselves are able to control their lives, and therefore demand love and respect from others and strive to control everything around them.

This leaves you with only three options. First, you can grit your teeth, face that negativity, and hope that the person standing in front of you will change someday. The second option is to try to find a professional counselor or mediator (for example, a mutual friend) and hope that a “third party” opinion will help the person understand that their negativity is not helping anyone.

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