Envy “white” and “black”... December 15, 2009, 00:20 | Christina
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On the eve of the New Year, I asked myself a completely non-New Year’s question. And my conversations with my friends inspired me to do this. We were discussing a gift given to a friend by her boyfriend. So, some of us spoke with admiration about the gift and about the young man: they say, what a great guy he is, attentive. And someone averted their eyes and remained silent. But on the sidelines, when the happy owner of the gift was not around, he gave vent to his feelings, dismissively saying: they say, nothing special, just think... But at the same time, it became clear to everyone around that this was envy. I also witnessed male envy. Two men at a tire shop were discussing a third man, or rather not him, but his vehicle. One praised the foreign car, and the other muttered through clenched teeth about the high cost of maintenance and said: “What a difference it is to domestic cars! And then they got greedy, bourgeois. We need domestic I envy you with white envy” or “she envy you with black envy”? Indeed, in essence, envy is a whole range of feelings. And somewhere there is anger and resentment that yours is not like theirs. And dissatisfaction with yourself or someone. And irritation. And the desire to have everything they have, and also a cart with a small cart... Why, when they want to offend a person, do they say: “It’s you out of envy”? And the one who is accused of envy makes excuses as if he was caught in something very shameful? Envy literally means “to look with hostility” from the Latin invidere. The Bible does not speak of envy in a positive sense: “for where there is envy and selfishness, there is confusion and all evil” (James 3:16). Envy is a resentment that arises as a result of the awareness of the superiority of another person in something and leads to a passionate desire to have the same thing. So does “white” envy exist or is only “black” envy? What is “white” envy and does it exist if envy itself is a negative feeling? Well, everything is clear with “black” envy, but what is “white” envy? Don’t laugh, but I conducted a mini-survey among friends and acquaintances. The essence of the survey is what is “white” envy and does it exist? Here is the result. All the feelings that arise in us from non-possession, dissatisfaction with something, leading us to bile, anger, aggression, the desire to offend, even somewhere to humiliate, insult - this is “black” envy. And she doesn't do us any credit. In this way, we seem to drive ourselves into a corner, like an animal, and snap at those around us. And that feeling of dissatisfaction that pushes us to heroic deeds, in the good sense of the word, that is, pushes us to action in order to achieve the same result and even better (in general, makes us move, and not be like a “lying stone”, under which water does not flow) is “white” envy. This is what I got. I hope I didn’t confuse you with my reasoning. It turns out that “white” envy is something positive?! But something tells me that “white” envy is simply joy for another. It's very interesting what each of you thinks. After all, we are all different not only in age, but also in interests, views, and judgments. So what do you think: is there “white” envy?
What is envy?
Envy is a feeling of annoyance, bitterness or irritation that arises at the sight of someone else's success or the presence of certain benefits in another person.
It's not surprising that people often want to get something they see from others. But envy is understood not as a desire to receive some good, but as dissatisfaction with the fact that this good went to another person.
From a psychological point of view, envy is a complex set of emotions and experiences experienced due to the presence of certain material or intangible values in another person. In psychology, this feeling is considered undesirable, since it contributes to the development of anxiety and generally has a destructive effect on the personality and psyche.
How does envy manifest itself?
The main emotional component of envy is the feeling of annoyance that arises at the sight of others' success and well-being. However, the strength of these experiences may vary. Sometimes a person painfully experiences only the moment of realizing that someone is more successful. And sometimes this feeling takes over all his thoughts for several days, preventing him from focusing on anything else.
In an effort to better understand what envy is, psychologists carefully studied this condition and found that it has three levels:
- Awareness of one's own failure, low financial income or social status compared to other people.
- Formation of frustration and bitterness, which turns into hostility towards more successful people, dissatisfaction with their successes and well-being.
- The transition of negative emotions into real statements and even active actions against an “irritatingly successful” person.
Psychologists call awareness of one's low position in comparison with others as a fundamental factor in the emergence of envy. People who consider themselves quite successful usually do not experience envy.
To avoid losing your favorite job, try:
treat colleagues kindly, take an interest in their successes, and give sincere compliments.
But don’t let their problems come to your heart, don’t gossip, “judge not, lest ye be judged” should be a dogma in your attitude towards employees. Don’t evaluate your colleagues, remain neutral, don’t take part in other people’s conflicts, try not to stand out from others, don’t boast about your education, don’t give reasons to discuss your appearance. Dress according to the dress code for the office. Leave jewelry and revealing outfits for parties, don’t break away from the team, attend corporate parties, don’t refuse treats on birthdays, don’t talk about your personal life, the less information about you, the better for you. Following these simple rules will help you avoid conflicts at work, will protect you from gossip and envy.
Types of envy
From a psychological point of view, envy is a complex complex of feelings and emotions. This complex includes disappointment with one’s own successes, the desire to possess certain benefits, resentment towards the person who has these benefits, and even the desire to harm him in order to take revenge for his success. Depending on how these feelings are combined with each other, envy can have different emotional shades. There are usually two types of envy: white and black.
White envy
This term is used in an attempt to emphasize that this is a positive feeling. White envy is admiration for the successes of others and frustration at the lack of them in oneself, but without resentment towards the other person for his well-being. By admitting to white envy, a person seems to be saying: “I admire your success and am very happy for you, but I regret that I myself cannot achieve something similar.”
Writers and poets often envy their colleagues with white envy. For example, after reading a successful poem, such a person may exclaim: “Why didn’t I write this?!” At the same time, he continues to sympathize with his colleague and wish him creative success, despite the episode of white envy.
White envy can be easily channeled into a constructive direction, turning it into motivation. It is enough to believe that the success seen in another person can be repeated. To do this, you need to imagine yourself having already achieved such success. And having envied your future a little, you should get to work.
Black envy
This feeling, unlike white envy, has a destructive effect on the psyche, causing a person to feel hostility towards people who have done absolutely nothing wrong to him. Black envy does not imply any admiration. Having seen someone else's well-being, a person immediately feels dissatisfied that it went to someone else. He begins to perceive this person as a villain who stole his success.
Black envy crowds out all positive feelings towards a successful person, causing condemnation, hostility and even hatred. The envious person begins to wish him harm and thereby causes serious damage to his own psyche. Quite often he allows himself to make ugly statements and actions. Others quickly notice this behavior, which is why envious people usually do not have real friends.
Why people envy - the essence and roots of envy
The habit of comparing oneself with someone starts from childhood. In kindergarten we compare ourselves with toys, at school we compete in grades and outfits, and as we grow up, we strive for leadership in work, financial status, children’s success, etc.
In the process of comparing oneself with others, envy is born, accompanied by pride in oneself, negative emotions, anger and other manifestations .
But whatever the motive of envy, it is always a powerful factor for a person’s subsequent actions - for creation or destruction, depending on character, moral principles and, as they say, “to the extent of its depravity.”
Reasons for envy
The main reason for envy is dissatisfaction with some aspect of your life. People who are accustomed to financial difficulties, dissatisfied with their profession, social status or lack of personal achievements are most prone to envy. Also, a reason for envy is often dissatisfaction with one's own appearance or physical shape.
Psychologists say that the prerequisites for envy are laid down in a person in childhood. As the main reasons, they name such features of upbringing as:
- Lack of unconditional love. It happens that a child gets the impression that his parents love him when he is successful. He is praised for getting good grades, for washing the dishes or cleaning his room. And he begins to think that they might stop loving him. This makes him very jealous of other people's successes.
- Punishment for any imperfection. If a child is punished for every little thing, when he grows up, he will be reprehensible towards other people and believe that they do not deserve the well-being they have achieved, because, unlike him, they did not try hard enough.
- Wrong attitudes about wealth. In some families, there is an opinion that wealth is bad, since “only criminals make big money these days.” A person who grew up in such a family envies wealthy and successful people with black envy.
- Restriction of a child's personal freedom. It happens that parents make it clear to the child in every possible way that he has nothing of his own and even personal space. They force him to share and do not allow him to freely dispose of his things. This also creates the preconditions for envy in adulthood.
- An imposed negative attitude towards life. Sometimes parents impose negative life attitudes on their child in the style of “life consists of continuous problems and disappointments.” As an adult, it quite naturally seems to such a person that life is unfair to him, and the success of others only emphasizes this injustice.
All of the above features of upbringing can make a person very envious. At the same time, he often limits himself from success, so there are always a lot of successful and prosperous people around him, giving a lot of reasons for envy.
Are all people envious?
The predisposition to envy is inherent in human nature. The degree of expression of envy varies. But at the same time, it cannot be said that there are individuals who do not at all have this feeling. If they say they don't envy someone, it may well be that deep down they have feelings of envy, but have learned to control it well.
During the period of preschool childhood, the child’s character is still being formed, so his envy can be short-lived. Provided proper upbringing and parents' reaction to momentary manifestations of envy, it will pass without a trace.
Younger schoolchildren know that envy is bad. This awareness forces them to hide their envy and control their own emotions. Through art therapy, role-playing games and educational conversations, you can teach your child not to envy.
Psychologists have found that envy is more common among boys and girls aged 15–20 years. This is due to puberty and the need of boys and girls to correspond to the reference group in terms of external attributes.
At the age of 21–30 years, envy concerns the professional and family spheres. If a woman is not married before the age of 30, she begins to doubt herself and envy her married friends. If a man cannot get a prestigious position, he is angry with himself and his unpresentable appearance, envying his prominent comrades.
After 30 years, the feeling of envy weakens, because at this age, as a rule, every person has certain achievements in life. If an individual fails to arrange his own life, envy turns into a mental disorder. Psychologists, psychotherapists and psychiatrists deal with such cases. People who are over 40 years old adapt to life and learn to control their envy.
As a rule, after 60 years the ardor of the most ardent envious people fades away.
Not everyone is able to admit their own envy, because everyone understands that this is a negative feeling that can put a person in an unfavorable light. To admit your own envy means to admit your inadequacy.
The Negative Impact of Envy
Above, when we figured out what envy is and what it can be, we decided that white envy can be considered a completely positive feeling that can motivate a person to achieve success as quickly as possible. But the tendency to black envy usually greatly worsens the quality of life of the envious person himself. This is most pronounced in three aspects:
- Depression. Being a strong negative experience, envy provokes the production of cortisol, which gradually worsens mood and well-being, driving a person into a state of depression. In addition, envy is always associated with a painful experience of one’s own failures.
- Lack of respect. An envious person makes a bad impression on others and rarely enjoys their respect.
- Low self-esteem. Envying others, a person concentrates on their successes and the lack of them in himself. Gradually he comes to the conclusion that he is a failure.
How to overcome envy and benefit from it?
Envy can not only be overcome, but also turned to your advantage. To do this, you need to remember and constantly follow 5 simple rules in everyday life:
- Acknowledge envy. Most people don't like to admit this feeling. But it is quite natural, and there is no need to be ashamed of it. If you feel that you are envious, do not try to hide it from yourself. By acknowledging this feeling, you will already ease it.
- Explore your envy. Try to better understand what you feel and why. It is likely that it is in this state that you become aware of some unsatisfied need that you had not noticed before.
- Feel grateful. Sometimes envy helps you learn about some internal problems or find motivation for new successes. And you need to be able to thank yourself for this, and also be grateful to the person who provoked this feeling.
- Look for motivation in envy. Having seen other people's successes and felt envy, it is worth thinking about what you can do right now and in the near future to get the same.
- Take action. Every time you feel discomfort due to feelings of envy, this should be a reason to take active action to achieve your desired goal.
How to determine if you are envied?
Below we list the signs by which you can identify envious people:
your success is artificially lowered. All your efforts and efforts will be nullified by an envious person. He will present it as if you didn’t put a lot of effort into success, it just fell on your head. The greater your success, the more gossip there will be about you with insincere joy. The envious person will congratulate you on your success and give a compliment, but at the same time he will hide his aggression and pretend. In this case, you should reciprocate the offender, show your admiration for the envious person’s successes, disarm him, in this way you will reduce his envy to zero; an envious person can imitate your behavior. Imitate your behavior and manner of dressing. Don’t be upset, try to explain that he is no worse than you and you shouldn’t imitate him, each person is individual; envy can be expressed in competition. Don’t get into a fight, give up unnecessary rivalry, take care of your nerves; every envious person rejoices at other people’s failures. For any mistake you make, the envious person will be happy. Take your failures with your head held high - this will disarm your opponent. Don’t be upset, don’t give the offender pleasure, don’t listen to gossip and don’t spread it yourself. Ignore them and interest in you will disappear. Envy is always accompanied by hatred. Never prove anything to anyone, don’t make excuses. If you can’t establish a good relationship with an envious person, it’s better to cut him out of your life.
