For many Russian families, domestic violence has become commonplace, and, as a rule, the most severe cases are recorded. Types such as beatings, humiliation, psychological pressure, and insult are not made public. Sociological studies show that cruelty occurs in families with different social status and income levels. Many people believe that if a husband insults and humiliates his wife, then this is their own business, and no one should interfere in the conflict. However, great violence begins with small things.
If cruelty is not stopped at the very beginning, the outcome can be sad. According to the Ministry of Internal Affairs over the past 10 years, 70% of all murders are committed within the family. Moreover, approximately half of the crimes are committed by women who are no longer able to tolerate insults and beatings from their husbands.
With the strengthening of the social role and status of women, her marital behavior also changed. Female violence in the family is quite common, usually manifesting itself in the form of insults, both towards the husband and towards the children. To prevent serious consequences, it is important to know how to stop the aggressor, and what to do if the insult has already occurred.
Why does a spirit of competition arise between ex-spouses?
Former spouses are not just separated lovers, they are people who have gone through all the stages and difficulties of separation, from the first doubts and attempts to preserve a relationship that has become fragile, to the last difficult decisions about children, apartments, and finances.
Why does parting so often not bring a bright sense of freedom or at least just peace and satisfaction? Probably, in order to understand the essence of this problem, we must try to understand each relationship history.
After all, long before the divorce, a man and a woman lived a whole life together, full of incredible and vivid emotions. First meeting, falling in love, first intimacy - and it seems it will always be like this. This unforgettable stage, as a rule, remains in the memory and subconscious of a person for a long time.
All further problems and questions will be constantly compared with this best period of life together. But at some point the spouse suddenly begins to evoke pity (he cannot feed his family!), although he once seemed to be the personification of strength and masculinity.
A married woman often hears reproaches from her husband about how “slender or cheerful” she used to be.
And this is quite normal, because in the way of the young couple, “pushing the lyrics” to the background, everyday and financial problems arose that needed to be resolved.
Unfortunately, often the joint “struggle for life” - finding a job, raising children, household chores, instead of uniting a married couple, brings discord and hostility into the relationship.
An unspoken competition arises about who contributes more to family well-being, who should have the final say, who is the leader, and so on.
The inability to stop in time and sort out one’s differences, the reluctance to simply feel sorry for a partner, to sympathize with each other like a “funnel” drags them into an even greater whirlpool of disagreements, leading to unnecessary showdowns, and sometimes mutual unfair insults.
Requests for help Write your story Hello, I am 31 years old, I have 2 small children. Daughter is 5 years old and son is 1.7. I’m divorcing my wife, she constantly puts me down and insults me, I’m tired of arguing with her, but I think that I love her, in addition, there is a huge sense of ownership that she will have someone else. I haven’t had a permanent job for 3 years now, my business burned down in 2013, and I still can’t recover from this financially. Two years before that, my father, whom I loved and love very much, died, I was very worried, but my wife was pregnant and expecting a child really helped to bypass bad thoughts. My wife says I’m a loser and everything I don’t do turns into shit. Plus, they recently set up a huge pile of money that you can’t earn in your entire life, and a bunch of other small debts! I can’t really provide for my children, I love them very much, but I think that they don’t need such a mediocre father. And the wife says I’ll find myself a normal person and he will raise the children, they will quickly forget about you. I don’t have the strength to fight with her and I don’t see the point in working for thunderstorms, in general I don’t see the point in anything anymore...
Loser, age: 31 / 06/25/2017
Responses:
Hello. I wouldn’t sprinkle ashes on my head in your situation, especially when you have children. Jonah? My wife attached this stigma and instilled a permanent feeling of guilt. That's not the case here, it's my fault. Don't be fooled and don't project everything onto yourself. Was there a business? This means that you have a light head on your shoulders. Then you can do it again. It's about your lack of self-confidence, and the lack of confidence comes from your wife. Pull yourself together and act, without regard to her and others. Children are your motivator and engine.
Artem, age: 32 / 06/26/2017
Hello. Perhaps the wife has postpartum depression, which causes aggression. Try to go to earn money, you still need to help the kids and pay off debts. The wife hopes in vain that someone else will provide for her family. Be strong.
Irina, age: 29/06/26/2017
You have to move in front, at least slowly, but move. Everyone has their own speed. It is important to note, by the way, that someone is standing still. Yes, he has a job and much more, but the story of the tortoise and the hare will work here. You can overtake x. Start solving problems gradually. Everything fits together one after another. Why is there no work? What kind of business was it?
Sergey, age: 26/06/26/2017
Good afternoon At one time there was a similar situation. And they abandoned the business and my wife looked askance... Also for 3-4 years somewhere... What can I say... 1. If you decide to get a divorce, get a divorce! But competently and prepared. Stop fighting with your wife - this is where your energy goes. If you have somewhere to go, go away. 2. Now YOUR completed decisions and the feeling of a winner are EXTREMELY important to you! I am not kidding. Start small. “I’m going to hammer a nail today.” And he scored. Those. your body needs confirmation that you CAN. 3. Wife of happiness, girls with two other people’s children, boosting their self-esteem at someone else’s expense, are now in wild demand on the marriage market. Incl. don't worry, it won't go far. 4. But he will start to respect you if you divorce correctly and protect YOUR assets (house, car, money). Some people understand that now you are OBLIGED only to pay alimony. If you want more, you have to try to come to an agreement yourself... 5. It’s easier with creditors - the main thing is NOT to run around and give at least a little bit. It is advisable to carry out all official loans with wild interest through termination of the contract in order to pay interest according to the Central Bank of the Russian Federation. Well, decide with the property to eliminate the pressure. 6. Understand one thing, children ANYWAY need you. The sooner you get back on your feet, the better it will be for the children. First of all, they need you to be CONFIDENT in yourself and your decisions. For the daughter will look for such a groom, and the son will copy the model of behavior.
roman911ekb, age: 39 / 06/26/2017
Hello. We are almost the same age and I also have two children. I'll try to analyze the situation from a woman's point of view. Of course, your wife is wrong to humiliate you. But do not take her cruel words to heart, perhaps in this way she is trying to motivate you to action. Or is it from powerlessness, because you don’t hear or understand her. It is very difficult to cope with two such small children. And given the difficult financial situation, she is constantly worried about their future. She, most likely, has absolutely no time to take care of herself, to get distracted and have fun... So she “simmers” in her negative experiences, stresses herself out, and then throws it all out on you. On my own behalf, I dare to advise: 1. You say that you don’t see the point of working for pennies. Yes, for people who had their own business, it was difficult to work “for someone else’s uncle.” But treat this as temporary difficulties. After all, as a rule, career growth starts from the bottom; it takes time to achieve success. And then you will get back on your feet and resume your business. 2. Be more open with your wife, share plans for the future, consult so that she can see that you are trying to solve problems. After all, she may just think that you have given up and are inactive... 3. Help your wife with the children. Let her go free (without children), chat with friends, go shopping, etc. This is a very important point that calms your nerves! For example, going to the gym helped me a lot. 4. Don’t be afraid to make concessions to your wife; she will also soften in response. Being a real man means, among other things, being tolerant of women’s hysterics. Each of you is right from your own position. It is important to calmly and without pretensions discuss what is on everyone’s mind. Here you will have to take the initiative into your own hands. It may not work the first time. Getting a divorce is not a difficult matter, but try to improve your relationship. Only in words your wife is so easily ready to break up, but believe me, her soul is not sweet. She understands that, on the contrary, after a divorce you have more chances to arrange your personal life. A woman with children is looking not only for a husband, but also for a father to her children. But not every man is ready to take responsibility for other people's children. And no one will love them more than you. All your difficulties are temporary. No matter how difficult it is now, everything will definitely get better.
Evgenia, age: 34 / 06/26/2017
No, you don’t need to label yourself as a “loser” - a huge number of people find themselves in this situation... Debts, loans, setups are the main topic of men’s conversations now. We need to calm down and find inner support. Not finding support in anyone or anything, a person usually turns to God - from Him he finds the source of strength and the meaning of life. Then everything in his life is controlled from above, sometimes in simply unexpected ways. Everything depends on the strength of faith.
Nathanael, age: many / 06.26.2017
In the event of a divorce, you are the one who remains in an advantageous position. The debts were incurred during the marriage. In the event of a divorce, the spouse receives half of these debts. So you will reduce your debts. In the event of a divorce, you still have the right to see your children. So they won't forget you. And the ex-wife will have to look for someone willing to support her, two children and pay off her debts.
Olga, age: 45 / 06/27/2017
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Why does an ex-husband insult his ex-wife after a divorce?
This “unresolvable” dispute can continue after the divorce. Having failed to come to an agreement in their life together, the spouses experience a feeling of dissatisfaction and incompleteness of the conversation.
The hostility towards each other that arose during marriage cannot go away - resentment, the desire to humiliate, insult cannot simply disappear after a stamp of divorce.
In men this is expressed more strongly - a feeling of humiliation and wounded pride force him to continue to “assert himself” after the divorce. A false sense of humiliated pride pushes the ex-spouse to new “exploits.”
At this time, a compelling and significant reason is needed so that the former family man can “let go” of his partner, forget, try to understand and forgive past grievances.
Each spouse should strive to “switch”, using various objective circumstances: new attachments, work, hobbies, household arrangements (repairs, construction of a summer house), sports. If you have children, the desire to look decent in their eyes, as well as working on yourself, will help you cope with “wrong” emotions.
There are decisions that make the cockroaches in your head give you a standing ovation.”
3 years is not long enough to hold on to a marriage.
If there are no children, then maybe it makes sense and it’s worth trying to let him feel the difference between “your past” and “his loneliness.” If there are reasons to be with him that are more important than personal pride, then it is enough to learn: 2 to find the positive intention of his claims, not what is bad for you, but what good he wants to achieve for himself by this, and try to give it to him in another way
3 remember your main thing in life and begin to live intensively with it, getting used to it and ceasing to notice and pay unnecessary attention to his whining, just as we forget, for example, about our usual shortcoming, or regular menstruation
4 we learn to COMMUNICATE, listen, clarify, clarify and clarify it and ourselves, speak to each other specifically and clearly our emotions, experiences and thoughts, and very soon the number of different words will turn into the quality of common meanings.
or maybe it’s useful to start slowly instilling in him that in fact, with your past you perfected your sexuality just for him, or that chastity is more important than virginity, and in general nothing really happened, and all the stories are in order to arouse his passion.
How should a woman behave with an aggressive ex-husband?
But what should you do if it happens that your ex-partner does not want to change and continues to pursue you, showing aggression?
And although a lot of effort has been made, attempts to sort things out, to “sit down at the negotiating table” in order to look together for the reasons for resentment and dissatisfaction - everything is in vain, even the proposed concessions “do not work”.
Indeed, deadlock circumstances often arise when no conversations or proposals help - the unreasonable aggression of the ex-spouse does not subside.
Having mentally abstracted ourselves from this person, as from an old acquaintance, imagining him as a complete stranger, but in essence this is the case, we again ask ourselves the same question, slightly changing it: what should I do if a stranger behaves maliciously towards me? or aggressive?
The answer to the question of what to do with an aggressive ex, as if on the surface, is to turn to specialists. Exist:
- law enforcement agencies,
- social services,
- crisis centers for women,
- psychological support services,
They are obliged to help, suggest in which direction to move, or, as a last resort, protect the victim.
If the couple regrets the divorce, is it possible to restore the marriage?
Another situation that sometimes seems strange to others is when divorced spouses again try to improve their relationship, and this is not such a rare and surprising event.
Not all divorces are a well-thought-out and only correct way out of the situation. Often the decision to get a divorce is made rashly, under the influence of strong emotions, and then you have to regret what you did.
This could be the betrayal of one of the spouses or any other offense that cannot be forgiven or forgotten for a long time. It seems that pain and resentment obscure everything, but in fact, memory carefully preserves love, purity, and everything that once connected the couple. In such situations, the banal phrase “time heals” answers the question of why these two people, who recently seemed strangers, are together again.
This is a very difficult situation when ex-spouses again think about a new marriage, “again following the same rake”? But in fact, there are many positive and encouraging moments in it. First of all, people who are already familiar with the complexities of family life are going to live together.
By making a decision to be together again, they are potentially ready for them . They, most likely, were able to forgive, learned to understand each other, and this is important in family life. Having divorced, they had to make a kind of “inventory” of their own relationships and highlight the main thing in them.
Each of us makes mistakes, and the right decision is not always on the surface; sometimes you have to go to it in a difficult indirect way, and there is nothing strange, and certainly not bad, in the fact that after a divorce, ex-spouses try to be together again.
Action plan
So, you have analyzed the events taking place, corrected all the mistakes on your part, being a patient, loving wife. If nothing you have done has helped, take some advice from a psychologist.
- Leave the house. Even if you don't plan to break off the relationship, your departure can instantly sober up your husband. Disappear from his life for at least a week: stop answering calls and don’t look for a meeting. And when you return home, let your spouse understand that a quiet life without his screams suits you much more.
- Try to ignore his next attack of aggression. Leave the house or lock yourself in another room and wait until he calms down. Then try to have a normal conversation.
- Try to start a dialogue with all the questions that interest you in some crowded place. Usually domestic sadists behave calmly in public.
Here are some tips from psychologists for those whose husbands do not offend very often or the situation has only become aggravated recently:
- first of all, put yourself and your thoughts in order, not every man can insult a beautiful, well-groomed woman;
- take a walk with your spouse to places associated with nostalgic shared memories, for example, to where your first dates took place - this method allows you to return feelings to families that have been consumed by everyday life;
- look through wedding photos and videos, remember how good you had together.
But what you definitely shouldn’t do is run to your friends and complain about the tyrant. If you feel that you are unwell and simply cannot cope with everything that is happening on your own, take advantage of free psychological help.
Consequences for the child
You may be surprised, but your children receive the most significant blow from your spouse’s insults and humiliation. After all, it really only seems that the child is in no way involved in the conflict. In fact, the mother is always and in everything a protector for children, and when she is offended, the child loses the much-needed feeling of security. As a result, he is subjected to severe stress, which can gradually manifest itself in a craving for sadism, theft, various phobias and other psychological deviations.
If we are talking about humiliation and insults of a husband in front of a child, then all psychologists unanimously agree that there is only one way out of the situation: to stop everything that is happening. And there are many options here: starting with all sorts of psychological seminars and ending with a complete break in relations. Each individual situation may have its own way out.
