Spanish shame: what is it and what is the meaning?

A feeling of embarrassment for other people comes when we witness actions that, in our opinion, are ridiculous. We may be ashamed of show business stars, movie characters, friends and acquaintances. We can be very close and know a person who does what seems to us to be ridiculous things, or we can be hundreds of thousands of kilometers away and be completely unfamiliar with him.

There is an expression “Spanish shame”, which means shame for another. In Western sources, there are also other synonyms for “Spanish shame”: empathic shame, indirect embarrassment, secondary embarrassment (also second-hand embarrassment) and third-party embarrassment [Vicarious embarrassment]. In our country, the expression “Spanish shame” is used more; the rest are extremely rare.

The term “Spanish shame” comes to us from the English language. And to English - from Spanish. But this is only one version of its origin. You will find out the rest a little later, in total we managed to find five.

The more internal limitations a person has, the stronger and more often shame arises. Shame is a learned emotion. It begins to appear by age two [SHAME STEPS OUT OF HIDING AND INTO SHARPER FOCUS]. Spanish shame tells us about the fear of being rejected by society. And that's okay. Indeed, since ancient times, expulsion from communities was considered one of the most severe punishments.

If you do not work with the feeling of shame, then difficulties in communication and self-perception may arise. And these are not the most critical consequences. Because of shame, a person can remain lonely, become depressed, constantly feel guilty (due to his hyper-responsibility for others), and may even have thoughts of suicide.

Shame is limiting. And if we are ashamed of ourselves, then we limit ourselves. If we are ashamed of others, then we try to limit them too. What's the matter? Why do we feel shame that has nothing to do with our actions? And where did the expression “Spanish shame” come from? What is the difference between shame and guilt? And how can you work with shame to make your life better? You will find answers to these questions in our article.

What is Spanish shame and where did this expression come from?

Spanish shame is a feeling of embarrassment for another person. Someone does it, but it’s you who are ashamed. Remember, you probably had situations when your friend or acquaintance did something, and you blushed for him. This is Spanish shame.

From English, “Spanish shame” is translated as “a feeling of burning embarrassment for the actions of other people. Derived from the Spanish vergüenza ajena and literally means “shame for others” [Urban Dictionary]. And here is the first (also official) version of the origin of this expression. Below you will find the rest:

Derived from a Spanish expression. The translation was too cumbersome and the word was difficult to translate into English and other languages. In addition, it was difficult to pronounce the Spanish vergüenza ajena, so the British added the expression Spanish shame or “Spanish shame” to their language.
The second option is associated with the emotionality of the Spaniards themselves. It is considered to be the most emotional nation. Spaniards are very concerned about each other and are imbued with the events of others.
The third option assumes that the expression comes from the Bible. And here we managed to find two versions. First: when Judas was hanged on the aspen tree, the tree became ashamed. "Aspen" is translated into Hebrew as "ispa". This is where the expression “Spanish shame” comes from. But if you look in the dictionary, “aspen” in Hebrew is pronounced “aspa” [Big Hebrew-Russian-Hebrew Dictionary by Dr. Baruch Podolsky]. It’s not clear what “Spanish shame” has to do with it. A dubious version of the origin of the term, like the following : the cross on which Christ was crucified was made of aspen. And the tree also felt ashamed (as in the version with Judas) for its immoral actions that cruelly killed an innocent man.
Another option says that it was invented by fans of Spanish TV series. In emotional episodes, viewers worried about their favorite characters, and apparently the most common emotion was shame.

Some versions seem very strange, but they still exist. In our opinion, the most plausible is the first version - a derivative from Spanish or an untranslatable word.

Almost every language has words or expressions that are difficult to explain in other languages. Eg:

Jayus (Indonesian) is a joke that is not witty, inappropriate, or poorly told to the extent that one cannot help but laugh.
Tartle (Scottish) – the confusion that occurs when you forget the name of the person you are introducing.
Pogrom (Russian) – destroy, destroy [20 absolutely untranslatable words, the meaning of which is not so easy for a foreigner].

We feel shame when we violate generally accepted norms of behavior that we adhere to. And if they are violated, then the inner critic wakes up. Spanish shame is the same thing, only in relation to other people. Considering behavior inappropriate, we involuntarily put ourselves in the place of another person. But before we know why shame for others occurs, let's first understand its function. What benefit or harm does it bring to us?

Definition of the concept

Spanish shame - what is it? This is a state of a person in which he feels guilty not for his own behavior, but for the actions of other people. For example, some may feel it in a situation when they see that a person standing in a store at the checkout begins to seriously argue with the seller over change of 10 kopecks.

Functions of shame and what is the difference from guilt

When you feel shame, you may want to cover your face with your hands, hide, or avoid judgment. A feeling of helplessness comes and the inner critic wakes up. Or perhaps a defensive reaction arises, expressed in an attack on those in front of whom one is ashamed. As Alexander the Great said: “The best defense is an attack.” Shame can lead to withdrawal and self-improvement. But what else can shame bring us? Let's take a closer look:

No matter how paradoxical it may sound, shame helps to avoid awkward situations. After an unpleasant experience, the fear of repeating the situation turns on. And this allows you to re-evaluate behavior in order to avoid similar experiences in the future. This is especially noticeable among perfectionists. Perfectionists try to do everything perfectly. They are afraid of making a mistake and therefore work through everything carefully.
Shame helps us to be part of society. When a person experiences little to no shame, he causes a lot of inconvenience to other people. And such a person is often perceived as abnormal, inadequate, selfish and even dangerous. Most of us avoid such people.
Shame helps us see traits that we don't think others would appreciate. And in this way, shame signals us what we need to work on in order to do better in the future.

It turns out that shame is a social mechanism that helps us stay within the bounds of decency. Only sometimes it happens that the framework is very compressed and this affects self-esteem. Guilt and shame are often close together. They are often confused, however, they are different feelings.

Shame reflects how we feel about ourselves. And guilt shows the awareness that our actions caused harm to someone else. In other words, shame refers to ourselves, and guilt refers to others. And even if this is Spanish shame, then the projection of behavior comes to us.

Guilt involves the awareness that we have done something wrong. It arises from our actions (even if they are just fantasies). And it’s as if an inner voice turns on: “I feel bad because I messed up. And I want to do better next time because this relationship is important to me.”

Shame can result from the perception of guilt. And shame requires a condition: that others know about the action. We wouldn't be ashamed if it remained a secret. And this feeling is directly related to what others think of us.

For example, you made a witty joke, but it offended your friend and he became very upset. You didn't want to offend him. But realizing that you hurt him will likely bring up feelings of guilt and perhaps shame, because you care about your friend and what he (or others) think of you.

People with low levels of empathy are more likely to experience shame than guilt. Because guilt involves understanding or intuitively seeing another person's feelings.

Examples

There are quite a lot of situations in life in which people feel guilty for the behavior of other people. Very often mothers with small children find themselves in such situations: the baby, with all his childish spontaneity, can declare to the whole street that “that lady over there is very fat”, “that guy looks like a rabbit because he has big front teeth”, and “ this grandmother looks like a poker.” Parents in such a situation are very embarrassed and feel a sense of shame not for themselves, but for their own child.

Comedies often evoke the same feelings. The simpler the plot and the more stupid the roles the actors play, the more unpleasant it is to watch such films for those who are intimately familiar with the feeling of “shame of others.”

Why does Spanish shame occur?

Spanish shame essentially comes from our ability to empathize. And this ability allows us to understand how other people feel, and also to establish contact with them.

According to a study by Baston et al., people who show empathy, consideration, and concern for others are motivated to show altruism through their actions. The study revealed that the level of empathy in the group increased. This experiment shows that empathy improves the well-being of society and sets an example for others to follow [Is Empathic Emotion a Source of Altruistic Motivation?]

Empathy is closely related to Spanish shame and is one of the reasons why it occurs. But there are others:

Sensitivity (or high level of empathy). As a 2011 study conducted at the University of Lubeck in Germany showed, empathy can manifest itself in two forms: in the shared experience of feelings and in the observer position, when a person transfers the experience of another to himself. It is precisely the latter type of empathy that occurs in the moment of Spanish shame. And research shows that emotional pain activates the same parts of our brain as physical pain [Your Flaws Are My Pain: Linking Empathy To Vicarious Embarrassment].
Selfishness. Imagine that a friend of yours is in trouble. You sympathize with him and try to help, and you have the opportunity. Now imagine that you are not helping him. You will likely feel shame or guilt if you don't. According to research by philosophy professor Joshua May, the reason we try to help others is to free ourselves from guilt [Egoism, Empathy, and Self-Other Merging].
Overresponsibility for others. We cannot completely control the behavior of other people. And we also cannot think for them. If you experience other people's failures as if they were your own, and are ashamed of other people's actions, then you are a very responsible person. And your responsibility extends to those around you. Even if you cannot influence the situation in any way.
Fear of judgment. For a long time, exclusion from society (for example, expulsion from a village) was considered one of the most severe punishments. We all have the fear of rejection. It’s just that in some people it manifests itself to a greater extent, and in others it manifests itself less. And yes, we really react sharply to situations when society rejects (or may reject) one of our comrades.
Low self-esteem. Often people with low self-esteem perceive rejection and disapproval even when there is none. For example, if someone you know believes that other people dislike him or judge him, he will be more likely to avoid interacting with people, and perhaps react strongly to any comments - cynically or even aggressively. Although there are no prerequisites for such behavior. These are just his thoughts. He thinks that he is not loved and condemned. Our perception of ourselves is the basis of our behavior with other people. Moreover, when we think negatively about ourselves (say, calling ourselves clumsy, unlovable, obnoxious, shy, untalented, etc.), it becomes more and more difficult for us to believe that others will be able to see something in us good.

Spanish shame can be used as a litmus test - it is stronger if you associate with the person you are ashamed of. And with the help of shame, you can see areas for your development in order to become stronger.

What the psychologist says

The phraseology “Spanish shame” is explained by the emergence of a painful emotion as a result of awareness of stupidity in people’s behavior, which does not correspond to ideas of decency and moral standards.

Psychologist Elliott Aronson writes in his book that “we often compare ourselves to the people around us, and this, in turn, increases our self-esteem.” When we see someone behaving immorally, we are content to humiliate the unfortunate person, telling ourselves that we would never be in his place.

What conclusions can be drawn? Unscrupulous and ill-mannered people should be feared. In the process of socialization and upbringing, children must be taught normal behavior so that it does not lead to undesirable consequences.

Decency, politeness and tact should be instilled from an early age. Embarrassment, on the other hand, is an indicator that something has gone wrong. We turn our backs to support someone in trouble. This kind of compassion is a wonderful spiritual impulse that makes us better people. Therefore, we must understand that Spanish shame is not a bad character trait.

How to deal with Spanish shame?

Embarrassment and shame can be excruciating. And it’s worth paying attention to the reasons why it arises and starting with them. The following methods will help you quickly cope with Spanish shame:

Increase self-esteem. As we have already said, self-esteem affects our relationships with other people and affects our quality of life. The more vulnerable you feel, the stronger the experience. Consider your strengths, you certainly have them. You can start with self-awareness.
Remove trigger. If you eliminate the stimulus that causes the feeling of Spanish shame, the problem will only be partially solved, because the next time you encounter a similar situation, you will again experience shame. This will help, but the problem will remain. Alternatively, you can remove the emotional stimulus while you work on yourself.
Moderate perfectionism. Excessive demands on oneself and other people complicate communication and deal merciless blows to self-esteem. Perfectionism increases anxiety and keeps you in constant tension.
Adjust empathy. Hypersensitivity to the experiences of others often blurs personal boundaries. And to reduce it, try to concentrate on yourself, namely on your sensations in your body, thoughts and the present moment. Over time, you will be able to become less involved in other people's emotions.
Set personal boundaries. This will help you remove the unnecessary responsibility for other people that you have placed on yourself. It will also help reduce hypersensitivity (see point 4).

And immediately at the moment of feeling Spanish shame you should:

Remember that this is temporary. Every emotion ends sooner or later. For example, fear and shame last about 30 minutes, but hatred can last 60 hours! [Which emotions last longest and why: The role of event importance and rumination].
Stop and pay attention to the feeling of shame that arises. This way you will notice it and realize that it is already there.
Accept him. Sometimes we deny emotions even when we notice them. By acknowledging emotions, we accept them and this helps regulate them.
Remember that you did not commit this act. We are talking about another person. You are you. Another is another.
Don't judge someone you're ashamed of. Condemnation will only intensify emotions and add resentment. Try to be more tolerant.
Take 10 deep breaths and exhalations. This helps relieve tension and become calmer.

Using these techniques, you can cope with feelings of discomfort and other emotions. However, in order for the feeling of shame to bother you less, it is worth finding its cause and working on it. If it is a high sensitivity to the experiences of others, regulate it by setting your personal boundaries. If it's about self-esteem, feel free to raise it. Perfectionism can also be reduced and the demands on yourself and others can be relaxed, making them more flexible and not burdening either you or the people around you. Also pay attention to the course on developing emotional intelligence. It will help you better understand yourself and other people, and you will also be able to manage your emotions and influence the decisions of other people.

Why do we feel embarrassed for others?

The most popular explanations for Spanish shame are: self-centeredness, fear or threat of rejection, low self-esteem, vulnerability and hyper-responsibility. Let's take a closer look at them:

Egocentrism

As people grow older, they develop their own attitudes about what is acceptable and what is not. Personal perception becomes more important than other people's perceptions. This is why some people may behave in ways that make others feel ashamed. Because of the difference in moral and ethical standards, Spanish shame arises. Someone may say words or do things that are unacceptable to another person.

Fear of Rejection

All people feel the need to join society. This is due to the power of majority opinion, where people tend to make decisions like everyone else. One’s own attitude towards life, the world, and other people is formed in early childhood; attitudes are formed by parents, teachers, and the environment. This is how social norms are formed. Getting into a certain situation leads to a loss of reputation in the eyes of others.

This perception has its roots in tribal and communal times. Certain violations could lead to exclusion from society, making survival difficult. Today, falling out of favor with the majority can also lead to negative consequences. This is what the emotion of shame is associated with when someone is in a disadvantaged position.

Low self-esteem

Reacting harshly to comments and mentally projecting shame onto yourself indicates that you consider yourself a failure. The next time a co-worker scolds you, watch yourself.

If you feel ashamed, it means you belong to the same group as this person. This is a sign of low self-esteem. In this situation, you should reconsider your attitude towards yourself.

Too developed sensitivity

Increased sensitivity is associated with the need to help others. Feeling shame for the mistakes of others makes you want to help correct the situation.

Results

When we are ashamed of others, this is Spanish shame. It’s as if we are putting ourselves in an awkward situation and experiencing someone else’s experience that has nothing to do with us. Shame can appear when watching movies, shows, interviews, or when we witness the actions of our friends and acquaintances. Someone made a bad joke, applauded at the wrong time, or spoke loudly in the cinema hall - all this can cause a feeling of shame.

Other-shame has many names: Spanish, vicarious, empathy, secondary shame, or second-hand embarrassment. And most often it occurs in those who are more sensitive to the emotions of others.

Spanish shame has different versions of its origin, ranging from the biblical context and the emotionality of the Spaniards to a more real one (derived from Spanish or an untranslatable expression of the language).

Spanish shame can arise even if the person is a complete stranger to us. And if we know a person and our relationship with him is close, then we tend to worry about him more. Shame often comes from worrying about what people will think of us and how the situation will affect our reputation.

Shame is not an innate emotion, we learn it. It is formed by the age of two. Shame and guilt have differences. We are ashamed of ourselves and our reputation in society. Guilt comes when we realize that we have harmed others. We can say that shame is our concern for ourselves, and guilt – for others.

When Spanish shame arises, we put ourselves in the place of another and relate it to our standards of behavior in society. Feelings of shame can make it difficult to communicate with other people, reduce self-esteem, and promote negative thoughts. And at the same time, shame can show us areas for growth and contribute to our development.

Shame for another person is most often experienced by people with high levels of empathy. Spanish shame can also arise when people feel responsible for others, are afraid of condemnation, have high demands on others and low self-esteem.

Intense shame can affect self-esteem and make it difficult to communicate with others. Therefore, to make your life better, you should raise your self-esteem, work with fears, learn self-regulation and build personal boundaries. You can do it and you already have all the necessary resources. Good luck to you!

We also recommend reading:

Storytelling
"The Language of Memory" by Douglas Hermann and Michael Grunberg
Signs of apathy and overcoming it
Exercises that kill the fear of creativity
L. Kohlberg's theory of moral development
Guilt
What lessons can a monkey teach a person?
Paris syndrome
Defense mechanisms of the psyche
Emotions and health: how they are interconnected
Using Negative Emotions to Take Action

Key words: 1 Communication, 1 Psychoregulation

Spanish shame: good or bad

No one can say unequivocally whether experiencing Spanish shame is good or bad. It would be more reasonable to indicate that everything should be in moderation, including shame for others.

Does everyone feel Spanish shame?

Spanish shame is considered normal. Many people have experienced this feeling. The degree of discomfort depends on empathy. People who are accustomed to empathy or sympathy are more likely to feel embarrassed by the behavior of others. Spanish shame is often experienced by people who believe that they made a mistake in choosing a wife or husband. The risk group includes perfectionists, pedants who worry about every mistake of a loved one. Not everyone is inclined to experience Spanish shame. Indifferent people are not affected by the behavior of others; they are not inclined to experience this feeling.

How to get rid of the feeling of embarrassment for others?

Obviously, this feeling is not the most pleasant, and in most cases you want to get rid of it. We offer you a few tips that will significantly reduce discomfort:

Increase your own self-esteem
. The more confident you feel, the less susceptible you are to unnecessary worries and unpleasant emotions. Therefore, spend more time reading and studying materials on how to increase self-esteem.
Eliminate the provoking factor
. If the irritant is too strong, it should be excluded from your life. Sometimes this means completely ceasing communication with a certain person.
Realize the meaninglessness of the experience
. With each exacerbation of unpleasant feelings, ask yourself the questions “How does this affect me?”, “How does worrying about this help me?” and the like.

Features of manifestation

We’ve already figured out what Spanish shame is, now let’s look at how it can manifest itself. This term is used to convey the intense embarrassment that a person may feel when observing the shameful behavior of a friend or even a complete stranger. According to psychologists, this feeling occurs when we feel a connection or associate ourselves with a person who has committed a wrong act.

It could be friendship, family ties, belonging to the same group, or simply some kind of similarity that gives rise to this inappropriate manifestation of empathy. The reaction to strange behavior of different people can vary quite a lot. For example, if a stranger behaves strangely, this can cause laughter and amusement. But the same behavior performed by a close friend plunges one into a state of extreme awkwardness.