Lying is ugly. Our parents teach us this truth from childhood. Indeed, deception is always offensive and unpleasant. However, the statistics are inexorable: the average adult tells lies about 50 times a day. But if people understand that lying doesn’t make them happy at all, what makes them lie? And most importantly, how to stop lying?
The first thing to do is to understand the motives for such behavior. People lie for various reasons. Most often they just want to seem better than they really are. Attribute to yourself actions that you did not do, or merits that actually do not exist. Also, deception is often associated with the desire to relieve oneself of responsibility or justify some of one’s actions. Many people prefer to lie so as not to offend the other person. Deception, in essence, is the habit of not telling others, deliberately hiding certain facts. In some cases, the abuse of lies reaches such proportions that solving the problem on your own becomes impossible, and only the advice of a psychologist can help. There are many support groups where people with similar problems meet. It is always easier to face difficulties together, and such groups provide serious moral support and an incentive to change for the better.
What types of lies are there?
- Omission: an omission, a desire to hide the truth or some details.
- Denial: unwillingness to admit the truth.
- Self-deception: Believing yourself that false information is actually true.
- Substitution of concepts: provision of false information, misinterpretation or distortion of facts.
- Exaggeration/understatement: discrepancy between information and reality.
- Gray lie: lying in accordance with one's interests.
- White lie (white lie): the desire to protect someone from a cruel truth or to cheer someone up.
- Black lies: purposeful lies that only make things worse for both others and the liar himself.
THE MAGIC OF ACCEPTANCE
It's easy to accept reality when we like what we see, but it's important to accept it even if we don't like it. Especially when we don't like her. And then there will be a willingness to accept things as they are, and not as we want them to be.
If I'm a writer and my stories don't grab the audience's attention, maybe they really aren't that good and it's time for a change. Stories about talents recognized after death are very inspiring, but do not forget that this is 1 story in a million and more, it is not a matter of undervaluation, but of poor quality. A person must have the courage to accept it, correct it, and prepare for the consequences.
Life is a complicated thing. She can't be comfortable all the time. Self-deception gives the appearance of comfort for a short time, but then you still have to face reality. And the longer we wait, the harder it will be to accept. A fulfilling, conscious life requires honesty.
With the best,
Maria Azbel
Why do we lie
There can be a huge number of reasons why we lie. After all, a person is an infinitely complex psychological system. However, knowing the types of lies can reveal this secret and help understand the motivation and true intentions of the liar.
Protecting others
We lie if we don’t want to hurt the feelings of someone close to us. Sometimes we have to confuse others in order to maintain a secret.
Protecting ourselves
Some of us lie instinctively in an attempt to protect ourselves from pain and disappointment. However, this is quite selfish.
We benefit
We can lie in order to gain some benefit for ourselves. Energy vampires portray themselves as victims and suck the energy out of other people.
Attracting attention
Pathological liars behave in ways to gain sympathy and pity from others, as well as to attract attention to themselves.
Play "fool"
I sometimes use this technique with teenagers and young children.
At the moment of building rapport, encouraging the teenager to open up, I can ask clarifying questions, for example, “Oh, I heard something completely different. Help me figure out what's wrong." People who lie tend to seek power over others. If you are able to take a step back and appear humble, you are actually putting yourself in a position of being on top. This way you can encourage the interlocutor to explain what was said in order to once again weigh and evaluate the information. You are not trying to catch the person in a lie per se, but simply want to clarify information in a non-confrontational way.
Why do men lie?
To avoid drama
Women are by nature more emotional than men. That's why men lie so as not to aggravate the situation.
To avoid hurting a woman's feelings
A man subconsciously puts himself at the head of the family, thereby wanting to protect his woman from worries and troubles. In this case, men lie, hoping that they are doing it for the greater good.
To hide your self-doubt
Quite often, men lie about their work, hobbies and personal lives. Thus, they want to assert themselves in the eyes of others.
HOW HONEST ARE YOU WITH YOURSELF?
Rate the statements on a seven-point scale, where 1 is completely false, 2 is false, 3 is somewhat false, 4 is somewhat true, 5 is somewhat true, 6 is true, 7 is absolutely true.
1. My first impressions are always correct.
2. I don't care what others think about me.
3. Once I have made a decision, other people can rarely change my mind.
4. I am in complete control of my destiny.
5. I never regret my decisions.
6. I am a completely rational person.
7. I am very confident in my judgments.
KEY: For each question, give yourself one point for answering a 5, 6 or 7. The higher your score, the more prone you are to self-deception.
Why do women lie?
According to a recent study, Women tell more fibs than men... honestly! Four in five say they tell a lie on a daily basis. , women are twice as likely to cheat as their partners.
Perhaps the secret lies in the peculiarities of the structure of the female and male brain. The left hemisphere is responsible for the speech abilities of men, while both of them are responsible for women. Therefore, women are able to predict the reaction of their interlocutor and say what they want to hear from them.
The motives of women's deceptions can be the same as those of men. However, there are other reasons why they lie.
To cheer someone up
Women may flatter to encourage someone, boost someone's self-esteem, or give that person confidence.
To avoid appearing vulnerable
Women are afraid of getting into trouble, so they instinctively protect themselves.
To save face
The opinion of friends or colleagues is very important for many women. Therefore, sometimes they lie to appear better than they are.
How to find out the truth: from chewing rice to truth serum
The first techniques for detecting lies appeared thousands of years ago. In ancient China, for example, they discovered that a person forced to lie became agitated and his throat became dry. Therefore, during questions, the suspect was given a handful of rice to hold in his mouth, which he was supposed to spit out after a while. If most of the rice was dry, the person was considered guilty.
Dry mouth as evidence of guilt was also used in more dangerous methods of revealing the truth, and one of them has reached the present day. The Ayida Bedouin tribe in northeastern Egypt are the last to practice the ritual to determine the guilt or innocence of a suspect.
The suspect is forced to lick a hot iron in the presence of tribal authorities. If a person's tongue becomes blistered, it means he is guilty; if it remains unharmed, he is innocent.
The Ayidas reason like this: if a person is guilty, then he becomes nervous, his mouth becomes dry, and the hot metal burns his tongue.
An equally cruel method of revealing the truth was used in Ancient Sparta. Young men, before entering special schools, had to pass a test of courage. They were placed on a rock above a cliff and asked if they were afraid. Naturally, the answer was always negative. But in order to determine whether the subject was really so fearless or just pretending, they carefully monitored the change in the color of his face. If the young man was pale, it meant he was lying. Excessive pallor was associated with an inability to be dexterous and courageous in battle, so such young men were simply thrown off a cliff. Many years of observations led the Spartans to the conclusion that a man who turns pale with fear can never be a good warrior.
In the Middle East, subjects were given a fragile egg and interrogated. The one who could not keep the egg intact was considered guilty. It was believed that when a liar answers a question, his fingers either involuntarily clench more than usual or begin to tremble, causing the egg to burst.
A similar reaction was used to determine deception in Ancient India. During interrogation, suspects were given a gong and asked to strike it lightly when answering questions. The elder alternated between neutral questions and “critical” ones related to the crime (this is what they do in our time). When the question was difficult, that is, the topic was too significant for the suspect, he could not answer simply and completely sincerely. As a result, the blow occurred with a delay or was stronger than the others.
In addition to physiological methods of detecting lies, the ancients also used psychological tricks. In the same China, a person suspected of a crime was sent to a dark room, where he had to pull the tail of a “sacred” donkey and immediately return back. The man was warned: the proof of his guilt would be the cry of an animal. The creators of such a “lie detector” hoped that the criminal would be afraid to pet the donkey - what if he screamed? Consequently, only those who, out of fear of exposure, violated the test conditions, left the barn with clean hands.
And yet, the ideal method has always been when a person reveals the truth on his own, no matter how disadvantageous it may be for him. This method seemed pure fantasy, but only until 1913, when the American obstetrician Robert House gave the woman in labor an anesthetic that included scopolamine. When it came time to weigh the baby, House exclaimed, “Where are the damn scales?” The woman, who was “passed out,” suddenly answered clearly: “In the kitchen, behind the painting.” The obstetrician was amazed: it turns out that a person can give the necessary information against his will, and suggested using scopolamine in the interests of justice without the permission of the suspects.
In 1922, Robert House published an article in a medical journal, “The Use of Scopolamine in Criminology,” and a couple of years later he reported to police officers that his method allows, against the will of the subject, to extract from his memory information “hidden” at the subconscious level of the psyche. Scopolamine, as Dr. House assured his listeners, induces either deep sleep or wakefulness with “turned off consciousness.”
In such an artificial unconscious state, a person can answer questions like a small child - honestly, directly, without trying to evade the answer, deceive or cheat.
The intelligence services became interested in the discovery.
However, truth serum has not become widely used in the United States, partly because such a procedure violates the arrestee's right to remain silent. In addition, under the influence of scopolamine, a person perceives reality inadequately, which also affects the reliability of his words. It is difficult to choose the required dose of the drug, and an overdose can lead to death.
Another possible outcome of the effects of scopolamine is complete loss of memory in the victim.
How to Deal with a Liar
In family
If one of your relatives often deceives you, there is no need to express your complaints to his face and call him a liar. This may worsen your relationship. Don't humiliate him, but try to get him to talk. Think about why the person is telling you lies. He may need help or advice.
With baby
If you catch your child in a lie, surround him with care and trust. After all, very often children lie out of fear of being punished or misunderstood. The child should feel that he can tell you everything and that no one will judge him for it.
He needs to explain that lying is wrong and that sooner or later the truth will come out anyway. Be sure to reinforce this truth with your own example. What we learn in childhood usually stays with us throughout our lives.
With a partner
Honesty is the key to happy and trusting relationships. Discuss pressing problems together, share your emotions and experiences. This is the only way you can solve them and save the relationship.
With colleagues
If one of your colleagues is lying to you, be wary. Find out how fair the statements are, why the colleague is saying this, and what consequences deception can lead to. Once you know these details, you can decide what to do next. If you decide to talk to this person, control yourself. It is worth having a private conversation and, if necessary, asking someone for help.
What is a lie
A lie is a conscious statement that is obviously not true. This is the deliberate transmission of distorted factual and emotional information for the purpose of creating or maintaining a belief in another person. [1]
Lies have long penetrated into all areas of our lives. They say that without deception it is impossible to achieve success at work, maintain a marriage for many years, raise a child, or maintain friendly relations with relatives and friends. This is a big mistake. Even a harmless lie can cause serious consequences for at least two people - the one who lied and the one who was deceived.
Let's learn to be honest and truthful
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Lying is a phenomenon that includes a variety of situations and tactics. Emotions, actions, words can be deceitful. A person can distort data by removing important details from a story or embellishing reality. Even hiding important information is considered deception.
How to stop lying
If you are aware of your problem, a few tips may help you.
Find out the reason
Try to remember how, when and why you started telling lies. What are you trying to hide in this way? Lying is a certain type of addiction, which, like all others, needs to be gotten rid of. If you're afraid you can't handle this alone, ask family or friends for help.
Remind yourself of the consequences of lying
You probably chose to forget how your lies hurt someone. However, you need to recall this moment in your memory. Let it serve as a reminder of how lies can ruin relationships and ruin lives.
Admit the lies
If you catch yourself lying again, don't make excuses or make excuses. Admit it. Explain that you are now working to overcome this problem. Perhaps the very person you lied to can help you.
Don't promise the impossible
Sometimes it's difficult to admit that you can't do something, especially if you promised to do something useful and good. Just remember that your broken promises will greatly hurt the people you care about.
Reasons for lying
To understand how to stop lying to people, you need to understand why this happens. Sometimes a person is saddened to realize that he very often tells lies. Fables can be of a different nature, but the result is always the same: people lie and stop remembering what, when and to whom they said. The lie grows like a snowball, this leads to sad consequences.
Psychologists identify the main reasons why people cheat:
- The desire to look better. Every person would like to be a worthy role model and to be admired. In life, unfortunately, this is not so easy to achieve. The easiest way is to lie and “whitewash” yourself.
- The desire to control others. Sometimes a person comes up with various stories that help him influence other people. Such manipulations are effective for only a short time: soon people will expose the liar, and his power will end. But along with her, respect for him will disappear. Therefore, before choosing this path, you need to carefully consider whether the game is worth the candle.
- Self-praise. This reason drives people with low self-esteem. They want to appear more gifted, wonderful, and interesting. Lying helps them raise self-esteem in their own eyes.
Try to admit you made a mistake
In order to break the habit of lying, you need to recognize that it is a real problem. Pathological liars know this well. To reduce the negative reaction of others to a minimum, you need to admit your mistakes yourself. Try to explain to the deceived people why you did such an act.
In addition to confession, you need to promise that in the future only the truth will come out of your mouth and you will make every effort to change your behavior habits. Although they are unlikely to believe you the first time. Close friends can forgive and forget the insult, but relationships with someone will end forever.
