A child throws tantrums: what should parents do?

In the life of every parent, sooner or later there comes a time when he is faced with hysterics in a child. For some parents, this becomes a real problem: they do not understand what is the root cause of this child’s behavior and how to deal with it.

In this article we will try to understand the possible causes of children's tantrums, their symptoms, and also consider options for parental behavior in which the risk of children's hysterics can be reduced or even eliminated.

What is "hysteria"

Hysteria is a very vivid emotional reaction, which is accompanied by loud screaming, tears, and demonstrative behavior; a condition in which it is difficult for a child to calm down.

The reasons for this behavior can be completely different. They depend on the age of the child, the characteristics of the nervous system, the type of upbringing in the family, etc.

A child’s hysteria can occur in response to an insult, a parental demand that the child has no desire to fulfill, or in situations of unpleasant news.

It is very important that parents can distinguish hysteria from another state of the child, very similar to hysteria - whim.

Caprice is the desire of young children (mostly preschoolers) to achieve something forbidden, but very desirable, at this very moment in time.

Whims occur in almost all growing children and are not a cause for concern. They are safe for the child’s psyche. If the parent behaves correctly, they help the child understand and accept the boundaries of what is acceptable.

Doctor Komarovsky's opinion

A well-known doctor believes that a “spectator” is important for a child during a hysteria. This is a must. There is no spectator, no hysteria. The person who is most sensitive to the child’s behavior will definitely be chosen to play the role of spectator.

Komarovsky’s opinion somewhat contradicts the generally accepted opinion that when in a state of hysteria, a child cannot control himself. Evgeniy Olegovich claims that the child assesses the situation very well and everything he does during a hysteria is quite conscious.

The doctor advises the whole family to choose a single behavioral strategy - “not to pay attention and not to succumb to manipulation”, then the child will understand that hysteria is not an option and will stop using it in his behavior.

About how to wean a child from hysterics, Komarovsky E.O. says in this video:

If you were nearby?

People around are also able to help a person who is beginning to “explode”. The main thing is to act correctly.

We need to redirect his attention. An effective way is with a slap. However, here you need to be very careful and act based on the specific situation and personality of the person. You should treat the situation calmly and not get angry. This has a calming effect on someone who is hysterical. In some cases, the method of “response aggression” can help someone.

At the same time, the person observing the hysteria should try to portray an attack. Such false hysteria distracts attention, and the person quickly calms down. It happens that the situation is too unpleasant and you can barely restrain yourself. In this case, you can use the “Chinese mirror” method. Repeat after the screamer all his actions. Your task is to show him how he looks from the outside when he behaves like this. This especially helps with children. The child quickly calms down and looks at you with curiosity. During an emotional outburst, try to prevent the person from harming themselves and others.

If you see that he is close to inappropriate actions, you need to intervene: to protect yourself and the “hysterical” person. Remove dangerous and heavy objects from his field of vision - knives, forks, screwdrivers, figurines.

If the rebel is light in weight, you can take him to the bathroom and put him under the shower. Or apply cold to his temples - ice, frozen berries or fruits. Splash cold water on your face. Cooling down not only provides an opportunity to take your mind off what is happening. It slows down reactions and therefore holds back emotions.

If a tantrum occurs with a small child at home, then this option comes to the rescue: the child screams, and you hit yourself.

By doing so, you are showing how hurt his behavior is to you. Usually the child is surprised at the first moment, and then rushes to feel sorry for you.

Causes

When examining the causes of children's tantrums, most psychologists agree that the most common are the following:

"Pay attention to me!"

In the modern world, mothers make high demands on themselves and place too much responsibility on themselves: every day they need to complete a number of household chores, have time to work as a freelancer, pay attention to their husbands, take time for themselves... In such a series of events, mothers quite often try to find an independent activity for a child.

Sooner or later, the child realizes that he is “standing in line” for his mother’s attention. Of course, this state of affairs does not suit him and then he unleashes a series of unreasonable, from the mother’s point of view, hysterics. In the manifestation of such hysterics, one can read his words: “Remember me! I'm here! I want your love, care and attention!”

"What if…"

Often, with his hysterics, a child tests the boundaries of what is permitted. Through trial and error, he understands: what is possible and what is not, where is good and where is evil. Through probing the boundaries, knowledge of the world occurs. This is fine. This process is a natural component of the interaction between parent and child.

“I can’t, no way!”

The inability to restrain negative emotions and cope with them independently in the process of acquiring new skills is one of the main reasons for children's tantrums. The child wants to get the final, final result of his actions of some nature as quickly as possible (sculpting a certain figure, cutting out a circle, drawing a tree) and if there is no such result, be hysterical! You must understand that at such moments he is really very upset and this problem covers all the thoughts and feelings of the little person.

“Today you can, tomorrow not!”

In cases where parental behavior is inconsistent, when there is no clear and understandable system of restrictions, the child is at a loss and does not understand how to behave. He cannot choose the right landmark. In such situations, hysteria becomes the child’s ally and helps him.

"I'm tired"

If a child is planning a difficult and eventful day (lots of outdoor games, holidays and birthdays, long trips), the risk of hysterics at the end of such a day is very high.

“It hurts me! And give me something to drink!”

Any physical discomfort such as hunger, thirst, pain can cause a child to become hysterical.

"When there is too much love!"

When parents do not see boundaries in their care for the child, and smother the child with their love and care, children begin to resist this. And the main weapon in this battle for the child becomes hysteria. This is especially evident during crisis periods of age.

Respect your child's personal boundaries! With the “Where are my children” application, you will always know where your child is and what is happening with him, without unnecessary calls and SMS.

Additional recommendations

If a child is hysterical, this is the first signal to parents to change their attitude towards him, their education system and their daily routine. What measures will help:

1. Maintaining a daily routine.
2. Ensuring proper, healthy nutrition in an age-appropriate manner.
3. Sports activities.
4. Adequate rest without overwork.
5. Respectful attitude starting from a very young age.
6. Allocating sufficient time for games, walks, leisure, and favorite activities.
7. Allows you to show independence (in extreme cases, you can then re-tie your shoelaces and wash the plate).
8. Provide the right to choose (wear a yellow or blue T-shirt, go for a walk with your mother or grandmother).
9. Organize a calm atmosphere before bed (if he falls asleep hysterically).

Do not deviate from the education system. Among all adults in the family, its main points must be agreed upon. If it is not allowed to sit in front of the TV after ten in the evening, then neither grandparents nor anyone else should violate this rule. The moments at which a child is deprived of the right to choose should be:

• clearly and correctly formulated: it is advisable to avoid the words “must” and “impossible” - they act like a red rag on a bull, but the pronoun “we” is welcome;
• voiced;
• pronounced in a firm voice that does not tolerate argument, but not rudely or harshly;
• constant: they must be regularly repeated in the same wording every time the corresponding situation arises.

For example: “We’re eating porridge,” “Let’s go home,” “We’ll buy it next time,” etc. Every time a child hears such phrases, he will form behavioral patterns that parents need. He must understand that at such moments it is useless to argue and hysteria. This idea needs to be instilled in him constantly. At first, of course, he will protest, but soon he will learn the rules and will treat restrictions, rules and requirements more calmly.

Symptoms

The most common symptoms of hysteria in children are loud crying and screaming, which is accompanied by tension in muscle tone throughout the body.

Then, impulsive and chaotic movements take place, palms clenched tightly into fists (knocking on walls, tables, floors).

If an adult tries to physically influence a child at this moment, he receives blows, bites, and scratches in response.

After this, sudden movements subside. The baby is crying. There are a lot of tears. The muscles relax. Signs of fatigue appear.

Manifestations of hysteria also include: teeth biting (for example, furniture upholstery), hitting the head against the wall and floor, falling and “stomping” feet. Severe tantrums can lead to convulsions and respiratory arrest.

After this, children often complain of headaches, pain from bruises, and nausea.

Diagnostics

Parents should understand that tantrums are just one of the signs of crisis stages in a child’s development.

Often, the parent independently (intuitively) selects the most harmonious way to help the child with hysterics.

When should you seek help from specialists:

• during or after a hysteria, the child stops or holds his breath for a long time,
• he loses consciousness, is subject to sudden mood swings,
• harms others and/or oneself,
• experiencing pain and nausea,
• experiences fears and nightmares.

In addition, if hysterics end with the child’s extreme fatigue or severe lethargy, then the parent should not ignore this and should consult with specialists (psychologists, neurologists, psychotherapists, etc.).

When to see a specialist

Parents do not always successfully cope with children's tantrums, even if they do everything right. This occurs in cases where attacks are dictated by persistent disturbances in the functioning of the nervous system or psychological trauma. They require the mandatory intervention of specialized specialists - a psychotherapist or neurologist. What signals indicate the need for such a step? If hysterics:

• continue despite all the measures taken by adults, which turn out to be ineffective;
• arranged daily;
• characterized by excessive, uncontrolled aggression, directed at everyone indiscriminately who happens to be nearby;
• accompanied by loss of consciousness, respiratory arrest, shortness of breath, vomiting;
• get a job after 4 years;
• last more than 20 minutes;
• occur at night, accompanied by nightmares and panic attacks;
• end in serious injury and damage to oneself and others.

Night hysterics are considered especially dangerous, requiring immediate intervention from a specialist. Parents should also be wary if, after the attack ends, the child remains in a state of complete apathy for some time, lies down, does not react to anything, is pale and lethargic. This can last 1.5 hours or more.

Hysteria of children at different age periods

Some children may experience tantrums even at the age of nine months, but most often the onset of children's hysterics occurs when the child is one and a half years old. Due to his age, the baby is unable to control his emotions. His speech is not yet developed at the proper level in order to express and explain his thoughts, feelings, and desires.

At 2 years old, a child often resorts to tantrums to attract the attention of adults. In doing so, he uses:

• screams;
• lying and rolling on the floor (especially in crowded places);
• stubbornness.

This behavior is quite natural, since the emotional system of a child of this age has not yet matured.

We can observe especially vivid attacks of hysterics in three-year-olds. During this special, crisis period, hysterics are expressed in completely different ways, but they are united by strong stubbornness, negativism and strong self-will.

At this age, the child does not have the ability to compromise. The method of manipulation is mastered. If a three-year-old managed to manipulate his parents with hysteria once, then in the future he will actively use this tactic.

As the child grows up, his knowledge of the world around him expands, and he no longer feels the urgent need to resort to hysterics. By the age of four, communication skills are quite well developed, and the child increasingly chooses the “eco-friendly” - verbal way to tell the parent about his feelings and desires.

If hysterics continue after four years, this is a serious reason to reconsider the education system and seek help from specialists.

How to help yourself?

When a tantrum occurs, the best way out for the person who has “lost it” is to work through the situation.
In other words, you should not push your hysteria inside and suppress your emotions. It’s better to throw them out and, figuratively speaking, “enjoy your hysteria.” That is, it is necessary to discharge completely. It’s another matter if hysteria is close, but it’s not there yet. In this case, you need to switch to something, try to distract yourself. The rule here is this: the stronger the internal tension, the more powerful the method of distraction should be.

When are tantrums good?

It’s hard to believe, but tantrums also have a positive component, both for the child and the parent:

1. With the help of hysterics, including tears, the child gets rid of tension and stress.
2. The release of suppressed emotions during a hysteria helps to normalize the emotional state and sleep.
3. If a child shows you his feelings openly (through a tantrum), this indicates some kind of trust between you.
4. Through hysterics, a child learns to probe the boundaries of what is permitted.
5. After the hysteria ends (if the adult does not try to stop it), the child “reads” the parent’s unconditional acceptance and subsequently begins to feel more trust in him.

How to prevent the development of hysteria

First of all, it is necessary to shift the emphasis in life from the patient’s ego, which is painfully inflated by excessive attention, to other, no less important aspects of existence. It is necessary that the child being raised is as open to the world as possible and finds his rightful place in it, and does not languish in anxious loneliness on a “pedestal” that is inaccessible in height for him to be able to jump onto it.

Any suggestion of exclusivity, pain, or helplessness should be excluded from verbal communication and the customs and traditions of the family. It should be taken into account that this process is not quick, often requiring the re-education of several generations of the parents themselves.

When preparing a child for independent life, it is worth resolving the issue of rational professional guidance with the possibility of eliminating occupational hazards in the form of additional neuroticization of the individual at work.

Everything must be done so that the individual can believe that he is capable of life without the care of parents and patrons.

And for this, she needs to be unobtrusively but demandingly encouraged to take the first few independent steps as early as possible. For any journey begins with standing on your own feet. And, as Tsiolkovsky once aptly said on another occasion, “you can’t live forever in a cradle.”

What should parents do?

How to calm a child during a tantrum

1. Try to prevent the onset of hysteria. Especially if you already have experience with your child’s tantrum, you can “calculate” the risks and prevent its occurrence in advance.
2. You should not try to stop a hysteria with severity, shouting or using physical violence. If your child does not harm himself or others during a tantrum, you can say that you are waiting until he calms down so you can talk. You should speak calmly, not loudly, but confidently.
3. If you haven’t had time to understand what exactly led to the hysteria, try asking leading questions: “Are you scared?!”, “Are you hurt?!”, “Do you want...?!”
4. Hug your child. He will feel safe, understand that he is not alone and that they will help him.

Treatment of hysterics

If all your efforts to prevent tantrums do not work and the child’s condition only worsens from time to time, you should seek help from specialists.

At the very beginning of your journey, it is better to consult a psychologist. If working with a psychologist does not bring results, then the psychologist himself can recommend other specialists, or you can make this decision yourself. A neurologist and psychotherapist, if indicated, can prescribe medication. But in the conditions of modern medicine, before starting treatment, try to consult with different specialists, listen to different points of view, and only after that make an informed decision regarding medications.

general characteristics

Childhood hysteria (hysterical neurosis) is a state of extreme nervous excitement, accompanied by loss of self-control and inappropriate behavior. From the outside it looks ugly and scares everyone around. Most often used consciously to achieve what you want. However, there are exceptions to this rule. Attacks can be dictated by psychological trauma or diseases of the nervous system. In such cases, the help of neurologists and psychotherapists is required.

Despite the fact that most parents know how to stop children's tantrums (ignore them), not everyone succeeds. Sometimes adults take this advice too literally and do not carry out any work at all with a child prone to such attacks. In fact, ignoring is only used in the midst of a seizure. And before and after it, it is necessary to use the techniques and techniques offered by psychologists and psychotherapists.

Sometimes the hysteria goes far and lasts for more than an hour. What to do in such situations?

Start asking distracting simple questions, the person will begin to answer them little by little, turn on logical thinking and, thereby, reduce his emotional outburst. This quickly relieves affective tension and leads to a sober assessment of the situation.

With prolonged hysteria, which can last for hours and almost lead to physical fainting, it is sometimes necessary to use extreme measures.

In such cases, you can try to bring the person back to his senses in a harsh way - slap him in the face, sharply pull him by the arm, or do something similar. It will be a bit of a shock to him, but it will help distract him from the state in which he is so deeply immersed. This will bring the person “to the surface” for a while and help regain self-control.

This is where it is necessary to force a person to talk about his condition, problem, situation in which he finds himself. Next, support, as described above, and help find a solution to the problem or a way out of the current situation.

Sometimes a person reaches a dead end and begins to struggle from powerlessness, not finding a way out. But another person’s “outside view” can easily find it. Give the person a hint or share your speculations about this, and then the interlocutor will be able to handle it himself.

How to respond to tantrums in children? A neuropsychologist answers.

Why is he hysterical? Everything that is important for parents to know about children’s whims “from scratch.”

Crying with all your might, stomping your feet, falling on the floor is disgusting behavior, adults will say. Emotional lability is a sudden change in mood for no apparent reason, a scandal at the snap of a finger, experts explain. When children behave this way, they say about them: “I drove myself into hysterics!” But what is actually hidden behind this behavior, which the child’s brain communicates to parents with the help of hysterics. Neuropsychologist Dilyara Sagutdinova tells.

The most important thing for adults to remember: don't take a child's tantrum personally. This is not manipulation: until the age of 6-7 years, a child’s brain is not even physiologically ready for such complex psychological operations. The child is not hysterical on purpose and certainly does not plan in advance to start a little scandal for breakfast. Hysteria is a stop-cock of the nervous system.

How does this normally happen? Imagine a train. When the driver knows in advance where he needs to stop, he gradually slows down, presses the necessary levers and slowly stops. Moreover, if the train is modern and the driver is professional, passengers will not even notice the machine is working. But if suddenly there is an obstacle on the way, a breakdown occurs in the mechanism or any other unforeseen circumstances, the driver pulls the stop valve to prevent a big disaster.

In the story about hysterics, the train is the body and all its systems, the driver is the brain. When the nervous system is exhausted and cannot independently switch to the mode of rest and replenishment of resources, the brain triggers emergency braking. That is, hysterics.

For example: - A child did not sleep well at night or did not sleep during the day - in the evening he becomes hysterical. - I was overtired at a noisy event, I experienced a lot of emotions and impressions during the day - hysterics. - In crowded places, children’s nervous system quickly overheats (stimulants from all sides: flickering, noise, all sensory analyzers work at once - vision, hearing, smell, touch). And hello, hysteria! - The child is hungry - we are waiting for a tantrum.

In such situations, hysteria is expected, that is, normal. It is necessary to minimize the risk of its occurrence as much as possible. And if possible, review the regime.

Such tantrums can happen to any child. And they are especially common at 1.8-2 years, at 5 years and in the period from six and a half to seven and a half years. This is due to physiological changes and periods of growing up.

- A hysteria normally lasts no more than 15 minutes. Then the child calms down or switches. - In any case, there is no need to scold. This further depresses a tired nervous system (and yours too). - You can try to distract the child. Hug or pet. — If a child does not make physical contact during a hysteria, try not to touch him, not to say anything, but to be nearby, in sight. There is no point in leaving your child alone with his condition - he still needs your support.

But there are situations when hysteria is a signal about suboptimal functioning of the body.

— For many children, hysterical behavior is a sign of an incipient viral disease. Even BEFORE the first symptoms appear. — The child seems to go into hysterics out of the blue, banging his head on the floor or walls, hitting himself on the head - perhaps this is how he signals a headache. Children do not know how to differentiate pain - that is, clearly name what and where it hurts. This behavior is their way of showing that there is a problem. — Frequent and groundless hysterics may be a sign of intracranial hypertension. — Aggression towards oneself or towards others at the time of hysteria may indicate suboptimal functioning of certain parts and structures of the brain: disturbances of venous outflow, liquor dynamics, displacement of the cervical vertebrae.

For such children, hysterics and physical activity are a way to recharge their exhausted brain and gain energy. The problem is that this is low-quality energy; it is quickly consumed again.

— Hysteria can be an external manifestation of internal malfunctions in the intestines and metabolism. For example, with complete or partial intolerance, gluten and lactose are converted into neurotoxins that affect behavior. Try adjusting your diet, removing gluten and lactose from your diet for a while - and watch how behavior changes - An excess of pathogenic flora makes children hot-tempered and uncontrollable. A common culprit for this behavior is candida. Under her influence, children are very dependent on sweets: if they don’t give them candy, they throw themselves on the floor and become hysterical. This is not a child screaming - mushrooms, bacteria and other harmful inhabitants of the intestines are screaming. They eat sweets! — An always whining, dissatisfied and hysterical child is a reason to check the hormonal system.

If nothing is done about the physiological reasons, the thoughtful brain will make tantrums a habit. A behavioral stereotype is formed: if you want to achieve what you want, start hysterics.

Important takeaways for parents:

It is useless to scold and shame for hysteria: at the moment, on the contrary, it is important to show the child that you are there, accept him and are ready to help. Often it is enough just to be close, slowly stroking, without trying to shake the child or put him on his feet.

Every time after a tantrum, analyze what could have led to it: lack of sleep, hunger, overwork. Review your routine.

If hysterics appear regularly, you cannot understand the connection between hysterics and the events of the day, it interferes with the quality of life of the child and the whole family, you need to look for the cause and eliminate it. We start with neurodiagnostics: after it, the further route of research and correction will become clear. The best prevention of child hysteria is harmonious development, age requirements, an established daily routine, balanced nutrition and adequate exercise.