- August 28, 2019
- Psychology of relationships
- Maria Matselevich
Many people, especially girls, are concerned every day with the question “Why doesn’t anyone love me?” And this is not surprising, because such questions can worry anyone. These may be teenagers going through difficult moments in their lives and experiencing a great need for love.
The same question can be asked by an adult and accomplished person who daily faces misunderstanding from colleagues and superiors. And it is very important for everyone to understand whether they themselves are to blame for this, whether they should blame themselves. What is the way out of this situation, what should I do, withdraw into myself or give people more attention? But the main thing to understand is that it is impossible to please everyone without exception.
Basics
We are all different, and no one is perfect. In some ways we ourselves are worse, in others those who are trying to evaluate us are inferior. And if you are wondering what to do if no one loves you, then you should realize that in fact, every person is focused primarily on himself. And only by showing love, respect, and attention can you turn the attention of others to yourself.
Otherwise, it is not dislike, but lack of interest. From a psychological point of view, the whole world consists of egoists focused on their own tastes and preferences. And if you look inside yourself, you will realize that you are no different from others in this matter. And it is this selfishness that provokes you to desperately seek love, and it also causes a feeling of resentment from not finding it without doing anything to get it. So, what to do if no one loves you?
Attractive and unattractive clothes
A girl won’t have to lament: “Guys don’t like me” if she correctly prioritizes her clothes. Representatives of the stronger sex really like clothes that emphasize feminine advantages, but at the same time leave a little intrigue (a man will only have to guess and fantasize about parts of the body invisible to the eye). Guys' priority: dresses, skirts, tops, tunics, negligees, short robes, shorts, tights, high heels, tight jeans and trousers. Clothes should be soft and pleasant to the touch.
Men don’t like it when a girl is dressed in overalls, trousers, riding breeches, sneakers, sneakers and other unisex things. Regular hair ties and bobby pins are also included in this list.
Path of solution. First step
First of all, it’s worth figuring out whether this is really the case. Of course, many who are looking for an answer to this question may immediately become indignant: “And if this were not so, why would we read about it?” But many simply miss the important things in their lives. Ask yourself, is there really not a single person on the entire planet who has tender feelings for you? After all, most likely the problem is that you are not getting the expected return in a particular society. And before you figure out what to do if no one loves you, it’s worth remembering about your family, friends, those you meet every day at work, school or in the store, it doesn’t matter.
The main thing is to analyze whether these people show you every day that you are not needed and unloved? Or do they still treat you good-naturedly, and there is simply no reason for panic and such serious conclusions? If you answer these questions honestly, you may be able to see that you are, in fact, loved, and that things aren't that bad. There are loving people near you. Of course, maybe there is someone who does not have the feelings for you that you expect from this person. But in order to solve the problem that has arisen, it is worth understanding how valuable it is that there are still those who care about you. And when doubts begin to torment you, remember these people, appreciate the time spent with them, encourage yourself with this.
He just up and disappeared
Women's excuses: maybe he died or went to the hospital?
Man's truth: maybe, but most likely he decided to leave you. And he didn't have the courage to tell you honestly about it. Info 100%. The one hundred percent of male respondents who "disappeared" from a woman's sight said they were fully aware that they had done something terrible, and no amount of phone calls or late conversations would make them change their mind.
Why doesn't anyone love me?
Psychology identifies many reasons why society rejects or does not accept a person. Let's look at the most basic of them:
- A person is not able to stop joking in a timely manner. Many people want to seem funny, but are so carried away by their acting that they don’t even suspect that the interlocutor has long become bored and no longer wants to waste time on this insincere one-man show.
- Negativism. We all ask each other how we are doing. Sometimes it's genuine interest, and sometimes it's just politeness. But there are people who cling to him as a lifeline, and dump all their problems and worries on their interlocutor. Few people would like to listen to this endless stream of negativity.
- Arrogance turns people off just as much as any other reason. What to do if they don't like you? Stop showing everyone that you consider yourself superior to them.
- Unavailability. Many people are so immersed in their own thoughts that they outwardly seem completely averse to communication.
- Eternal excuses. They always scare people away and turn them negatively against you. Especially if, in response to a trivial question, you tell a whole story about what misfortunes happened and prevented you from accomplishing your plan. Just say the real reason, people respect openness and honesty.
- You interrupt your interlocutor. Some people love to talk about themselves so much that they simply forget that they are having a dialogue, not a monologue. And they try to get their point across so confidently that they don’t even notice that their opponent has comments. Most often, people who are focused on themselves and in need of attention simply blatantly interrupt their interlocutor and do not give him the opportunity to speak. And few people will like such disrespect. Why should they listen to you if you don't want to listen to them?
Overcoming the Critical Inner Voice
Once we honestly admit that we are coming from this inner critic, we can begin to separate it from our real point of view. We may notice times when it seeps in and interferes with the filter through which we see ourselves and the world around us. We can then recognize how this destructive thought process affects our actions. How does my inner critic actually change my behavior?
There are five important steps to overcoming this inner critic. These steps include a method developed by psychologist and author of Master Your Critical Inner Voice, Dr. Robert Firestone, known as voice therapy.
Step One: Find Out What Your Inner Critic Is Telling You
Start to notice when your thought process changes and your inner critic begins to invade your mind. Maybe you're on a date and it starts with, “She doesn't even like you. Why are you wasting your time? You might be in a meeting and when you finally speak, you have this thought: “You're not making any sense. Everyone is looking at you. They want you to just shut up." It is important to understand what situations trigger your critical inner voice and what that voice tells you in those moments.
As an exercise, write down your critical inner voices as “I” statements, such as: “I’m so boring. Nobody likes me". Then, next to these voices, write down thoughts in the form of “you” statements. “You're so boring. Nobody likes you." This actually helps you begin to compartmentalize and see the voice as the enemy rather than yourself.
Step 2. Think about where this critical attitude comes from.
When people record or speak their voices out loud, they sometimes understand where these evil thoughts come from. Many people even begin to imagine that the voice is coming from someone in their life, such as their parents, who were always worried that they would never make friends. Identifying where your voices were originally formed can help you practice self-compassion and differentiate these old relationships from your current reality.
Step Three: Return to Your Critical Inner Voice
This may seem difficult, and this step is often the hardest for people, but it is important that you stand up for yourself. Voice or record a response to your critical inner voice. You should strive to see your good friend from the perspective you would like to have. Write down a more compassionate and realistic response to your vocal attack, once again as an “I” statement. “I'm not boring. I am a unique and worthy person who deserves friendship. I have many qualities that many people will appreciate and love." Don't listen to the undermining criticism that comes up when you do this exercise. As Amy Poehler said, “Standing up for ourselves as well as standing up for one of our friends is a difficult but rewarding thing. Sometimes it works. Even demons need sleep.
Step Four: Think About How Your Voice Influences Your Actions
As you get to know your voices, you will become better able to recognize when they appear. You can actively try to distract yourself and begin to notice how this voice affects your behavior. This may tell you that you are too shy to make friends, so you avoid social situations. This can make you feel insecure in your relationship, so you find yourself seeking reassurance from your partner. If he tells you that the world is rejecting you, you may find yourself being a little angrier in everyday interactions or a lot angrier towards yourself. Try to remember all the moments when your critical inner voice determines your behavior. In doing so, develop what Dr. Daniel Siegel calls a COAL (curious, open, accepting and loving) attitude towards yourself.
Step Five: Change Your Behavior
Once you've identified them, it's important to challenge the behaviors dictated by your inner critic in order to get what you want out of life. So, if your inner critic tells you to stay private or keep your mouth shut at a party, although it may seem uncomfortable at first, you must find a way to stop yourself from allowing such behavior. This will only make you feel ashamed or lonely. Even if you feel embarrassed at first or don't feel good about acting against your voice, remember to practice self-compassion. Using the voice will cause anxiety, and changing the behavior pattern may make the voice louder at first. However, the more actions you take against your inner critic, the more confident you will become. This voice will fade into the background over time.
If in this process you find yourself having thoughts like, “Yeah, right. My voices about me are right,” remember that almost everyone feels this way at some point. Most people feel like outcasts on some level. Challenging this exact feeling is what will lead you to what you want in life. This will allow you to shed the layers that are keeping you from feeling. Regardless of what your inner critic tells you or uses to reinforce its arguments that you are different or unworthy, you can find ways to access your power to calmly calm this destructive coaching and be persistent in moving your goals forward. Slowly but surely your inner critic will weaken. Your real self will become stronger, brighter, more known, understandable and accessible to the world around you.
No one has ever loved me as a girl
Many representatives of the fair sex, especially in adolescence, sometimes encounter this feeling. And at the moment of experiencing these emotions, the problem seems global. But in fact, such a conclusion arises at the moment when someone specific does not perceive you from the side that you would like. Each of us at least once in our lives heard from the person we like that we are just a friend or girlfriend for him. And in fact, there is nothing wrong with this, you just have to let go of the situation.
After all, if a person is truly dear, then no one will force him to do and feel what he does not want to experience only because of our selfish need for love. Most likely, you also do not notice someone who loves you, as the object of your adoration does not perceive you properly. Take a closer look at your surroundings, remember your friends of the opposite sex, and perhaps you will finally understand that that bouquet of roses in honor of graduation or that cake with tea was not at all friendly for one of you.
How to deal with isolation and loneliness
The critical inner voice greatly influences feelings of isolation, loneliness and social anxiety. As Dr. Lisa Firestone wrote in her article, “Ending Loneliness.” “It’s helpful to realize that loneliness is very much a state of mind, and unfortunately, that mind is essentially lying to us.” Loneliness is not necessarily a problem; it is a filter of seeing yourself as lonely that needs to be challenged. People who feel lonely tend to see the world differently. There are even certain structural and biochemical differences in the brain of a lonely person. Some of the psychological effects of feeling lonely include focusing on exclusion instead of inclusion. In other words, we are more likely to notice one time when someone doesn't invite us than five times before. Another effect is timidity. We may act timid with others, making it difficult to have clear or relaxed exchanges that lead to positive social outcomes.
Finally, loneliness can lead to misremembering. So, when we think back on our days, we may distort what people told us or how interactions happened in ways that perpetuate the perception of ourselves as isolated.
As loneliness researcher Dr. John T. Cacioppo said: “Lonely people are more likely to construe their world as threatening, hold more negative expectations, and interpret and respond to ambiguous social behavior in a more negative, aversive way, thereby confirming their perception of the world as threatening.” and not subject to them." Once again, this creates a self-fulfilling prophecy. If we begin to perceive the world as threatening or unaccepting, we are more likely to act in ways that alienate or alienate others. So, once again, to challenge our loneliness, we must challenge the negative filter through which we see ourselves and the world around us. We must accept our critical inner voice.
Self-esteem
If the problem is much deeper, and the person is really not loved by anyone on this side, then the reason may be his low self-esteem. Think about it, if you have been despising yourself for a long time and don’t take care of yourself, then how can other people do this? On an intuitive level, they feel your attitude towards themselves, and they have nothing to cling to, they simply thoughtlessly reject you the same way you reject yourself.
To solve this problem, you need to seriously take care of yourself, your thinking and worldview. Remember: if you don’t love yourself, then why should other people do it? After all, noticing your attitude towards themselves, at best they will feel indifference towards you, at worst - irritation. And every thought you have about how insignificant you are will be reflected in their head, provoking them to intuitively express their dislike for you.
Problems from childhood
Most often, the question of why no one ever loved me is asked by people whose parents or guardians did not pay enough attention to them in childhood or planted attitudes in their heads that gave rise to seeds of doubt and similar thoughts. Even the most insignificant phrases like “You don’t know what’s best for you”, “Don’t bother, you see, mom is talking”, “Leave me alone with your nonsense” can provoke the realization that he is not really loved. What can we say about dysfunctional families, where parents really openly show their aggression and dislike to their own children.
What guys don't like about your appearance
The expression “boys don’t like me” will be forgotten forever if girls realize their shortcomings in appearance (men love with their eyes). Men are scared off by the following points:
- Excessive fullness. Excess weight greatly spoils the figure, and men prefer moderation.
- Thin. Being slim does not mean being skinny; a girl who is too thin looks unhealthy, and guys dream of procreation.
- Small stature. This feature is easily corrected by the presence of heels, which men like so much.
- High growth. You can “reduce it” a little by not wearing heels or look for a groom among athletes (there are many sports where tall height is a prerequisite).
- Ugly teeth. If a girl has crooked or yellow teeth, her smile will not be very beautiful (and this is the first thing you need when meeting someone).
- Ungroomed hair. Cleanliness of hair, as well as the whole body, is the main condition for attracting the attention of guys.
Reasons for feeling a lack of love
Another risk area is single parents who decided at one time that they were having a child “for themselves.” This is a very dangerous moment, since the parent uses the baby as an excuse for why he does not dare to move on with his life, build relationships and lead a normal lifestyle. And at first, justifying their indecision by caring for the child, they shift responsibility for themselves onto him.
And when he grows up, he is blamed for the missed opportunities. And the suggestion begins: “I ruined my whole life for you,” “You are trying to drive me to a grave,” and the like. There are many of these suggestions. An adult who has not received the required dose of parental love, but is drowned in reproaches, feels that something is wrong with her, worries, but cannot get what she wants.
"Take pity on me"
Each person has his own ideas about love, formed in childhood and reinforced by experience in adulthood. There are many distortions in these beliefs, for example, confusion between the concepts of love and pity.
Example. Parents paid attention to the child only when he was sick. The child develops the idea that love is directly related to poor health: “If I am sick, they love me, which means that in order to get attention, I need to complain about my health.” Sometimes it works, but love has nothing to do with it, and it’s unlikely to be possible to build a harmonious relationship on pity alone.
Article on the topic Toxic love. Signs of a Toxic Relationship
