Psychologists explained how to get along with toxic relatives

04/19/20215 minutes read 2089

Hatred towards parents. Lately, these phrases have been heard more and more often: I hate my parents, I don’t want to communicate with my parents, I’m very offended by my mom or dad.

At the first appointments, the psychologist always starts with childhood and is asked to talk about him, about his parents. It is with this information that the analysis and elaboration of problems begins. It is exactly how a person lived his childhood, how happy and carefree it was, what kind of relationship he had with his mother and father, the atmosphere in the family; the whole life of an adult, the quality of this life, and his attitude towards it depend on these main points.

It often turns out that not everyone has only good and vivid memories of their young age. Very often, a child and a teenager have to go through different moments and not always positive ones. A huge number of people enter adulthood with their own feelings and grievances, which can later even develop into a feeling of hatred towards their parents. These negative feelings and emotions simply poison the mind and interfere with a full, happy and fulfilling life.

The topic of the psychology of hostility towards parents is very complex and serious. It is best to work through it with a psychologist; it will take less time and give more results. A psychologist will help you get rid of childhood traumas, and there can be a lot of them, forgive your parents, calm your inner child, recognize and realize your feelings, improve relationships with your parents and with yourself. The process is long, labor-intensive and complex.

Important Therapy can take from several months to several years, depending on the severity of your injuries and grievances, because very often a person carries them throughout his life.

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Resentment: psychology and reasons

Resentment is an extremely negative emotion, a whole group of feelings: anger, disappointment, fear, self-doubt. There can be many reasons why a child may develop hatred towards his parents.

Lack of love. An overwhelming number of people come with resentment that their parents did not love them in childhood, that they did not have enough maternal or paternal love, which rightfully belonged to them, affectionate words, kisses and hugs, instead they felt emotional coldness and detachment.
Violence of any nature: physical punishment, beatings or moral bullying: humiliation, insults.
Indifference, indifference in upbringing, lack of interest in the child, his problems, life and feelings.
Uneven love between brothers and sisters, a feeling of being loved more than another family member.
“Everything is for strangers, nothing for relatives.” A special category of parents, with their own psychological problems, having which people try only for strangers, friends, acquaintances, children of acquaintances, etc.
Parents wearing rose-colored glasses. Parents who deny the child’s problems, experiences that deny the child’s existence. “Hey son, are you okay? How wonderful! And today I went to the store and saw a wonderful coffee machine...”
Conversations with such relatives are more reminiscent of a dialogue with a nightstand, or simply with a deaf person, an absolute reluctance to delve into life, feelings and emotions. With their entire appearance and behavior they convey to the child: “Don’t touch me, leave me alone.”
Overprotection, manipulation. The other extreme, but no less dangerous and toxic. Mother or father, or maybe both, do not allow you to take a step on your own. Total control, complete submission.
Comparison with other children, devaluation, disrespect.
Living in poverty.
High expectations, endless criticism.
Wrong and unhealthy lifestyle of parents.
Unfulfilled promises.

There can be a lot of variations on the theme of grievances, but most of them are connected with an unsatisfied need for love; the child did not feel loved, important and significant in the family, or did not feel stability and security.

When we feel good, we don't hate

It even happens that the parents are no longer alive, but the person is still offended by them, he believes that he was abandoned, left alone in this complex world. Resentment is a whole complex of emotions, where the main component is suppressed aggression and suppressed feelings. That is, a child, due to his age and lack of experience, simply cannot answer an adult, speak out, or express his anger.

You can live your whole life with these feelings, but until the problem is solved, the person psychologically will remain that little offended child. Problems with self-realization, in relationships with the opposite sex, in a career - there can be gaps in every area of life.

The nature of your interaction with the whole world, with yourself and even with your children depends on your relationship with your parents.

Hatred can poison life. It is necessary to understand that this is anger that cannot break out, it is aggression, the desire to cause harm, pain, but the inability to realize this, most often due to fear.

Hatred means wanting evil, but not being able to commit it, that is, aggression remains inside and a person fights the hated more in his imagination, and not in real life.

You need to work with this feeling, work through it before it deprives you of your last strength.

Important Negativity takes away and consumes all free time that could be spent usefully and joyfully for your life. When we feel good, we do not feel hatred, we do not seek to cause pain or harm to someone. We feel good and we wish the same for everyone around us.

Consequences of family hatred

Often people don't even think about how much negative feelings affect their lives. Thus, a grown-up child who hates his own parents may come to the wrong concept of raising his own heirs. He will try to do everything completely differently, while limiting the baby’s communication with his grandparents. As a result, the conflict will only take root, finally quarreling all family members.

Often quarrels with the closest people turn into depression or complexes for a person. He feels inferior and therefore cannot achieve success both in his personal life and in his career.

Psychologists note that there is also hidden hatred. The child secretly experiences negativity due to the excessive care of the older generation. However, he turns out to be too withdrawn or modest to express such emotions. As a result, spiritual darkness accumulates in him and results in inappropriate actions. Such hatred can turn into outright acts of violence.

You always need to fight such negative emotions. Psychologists advise not to forget that parents are still the closest people to their own child. That is why you need to fight to the bitter end for a happy and strong relationship with them.

Julia, Zavolzhsk

What problems arise?

Suppressed emotions, aggression, anger and despair, stored in the soul for months and even years, do not pass without a trace for a person. A lot of health problems arise. The so-called psychosomatics works in full.

sore throat and all kinds of throat problems,
tonsillitis,
chronic runny nose,
interruptions in the functioning of the thyroid gland,
nervous system disorder,
panic attacks,
depression,
chronic pain,

and this is not the entire list of possible diseases.

Containing anger, the inability to express one’s feelings, isolation, “a lump in the throat” literally prevents you from living to the fullest, prevents you from speaking, communicating with people and being happy.

Reasons for hating your mother

Negative feelings towards your own mother cannot arise spontaneously.
Hatred towards her is a product of numerous insults and a cluster of childhood psychotraumas that a parent intentionally or unintentionally inflicted on her child. Unfortunately, many children have been affected by this problem, and now it is poisoning their lives. Why specifically hatred of the mother may arise: Emotional coldness. Not all women have a pronounced maternal instinct. At the birth of a child, these mothers do not have a need to show feelings and tenderness. They serve him, feed him, take him to kindergarten, but always keep an emotional distance

It is very important for a child to feel his mother’s warmth. For proper psychological development, he needs a loving, affectionate mother.

When a son or daughter does not receive attention from their parent and feels cold, they gradually begin to hate her, never receiving what is rightfully due to them.

Conflicts and lack of mutual understanding. A bad relationship between mother and child does not go unnoticed. Conflicts between generations are inevitable, but there are truly irreconcilable differences. Negative emotions accumulate, and then children feel alienation, anger, and emptiness. The inability or unwillingness of a mother to establish contact with her son or daughter leads to the fact that children hate the woman they should love and respect.

The power of the mother. If a woman does not allow her child to take a step without her own approval, then at first she can indeed serve as an unquestioning authority for him. But after a while, a child or a teenager will definitely rebel, and a real war will begin, which will lead to hatred. Unfortunately, mothers rarely understand their mistakes and continue to attack even when the child has long become an adult: they meddle in personal life, control, and impose their opinions. Then the relationship with your son or daughter never becomes friendly.

Mother's jealousy towards the child's father. Most often, this problem concerns daughters due to their belonging to the fair sex. Why does a daughter hate her mother within the framework of psychology? Sometimes women behave instinctively, without listening to the voice of reason. Mothers are unconsciously jealous of their husband, especially if a warm, trusting relationship has developed between dad and daughter, and not everything is going smoothly between the spouses at this time. As a result, the mother constantly humiliates her daughter, trying to compete with her in the fight for the attention of her man, spoiling relationships with both and causing fierce hatred in your child.

Violence in family. Psychological and physical terror on the part of the mother completely kills all the child’s positive feelings towards her. It is simply impossible to forgive such an attitude, because it leaves an indelible imprint on the child’s psyche. Children who have suffered from domestic violence in the family most often say with complete confidence: “I hate my mother!” And how else should you relate to a person who beats and bullies you, although he should be your support and support in everything?

These reasons for negative feelings towards your mother are quite understandable. It is quite difficult to establish relationships after such events, but hatred of the one who gave birth poisons the child’s life and has negative consequences even in the distant future.

Adult problems as a source of negative feelings

In addition to health problems, childhood grievances affect the quality of life in all its aspects.

First of all, the personal sphere. In his own family, a grown “offended child” faces a huge number of problems. Thus, unloved girls who do not have enough maternal love, for example, the mother worked all the time or arranged her personal life, not paying attention to the child, not being interested in him, or with a dad who is stingy with emotions, such girls grow into women who do not know how to love and appreciate themselves .
Very often they find “cold”, without emotional husbands, from whom they again receive neither love nor affection. This happens on an unconscious level, a person looks for those emotions that he already knows and is already familiar with.
Boys who grew up with a very authoritarian mother and a weak-willed father will look for a powerful woman, even if they feel unhappy with her, they will stay, since this model is familiar to them.
A child who has been beaten or physically mutilated grows up aggressive, insecure, embittered at himself and at the whole world. There is a huge probability that he will beat his children in the same way.

We recommend reading the interesting article “Is it possible to hit a child?”

A child who is constantly compared with other children, or with his own brother or sister, will have extremely low self-esteem and absolute self-doubt. As an adult, he will be guided only by the opinions of others; he will not have his own position in life as such. Constant competition with someone or even with yourself, trying to be better for someone or than someone, endless self-improvement for the sake of general recognition.
But children, in whose families there were constant quarrels, scandals, maybe even fights, will look for precisely these emotions in future relationships. The girl will look for a companion similar to her alcoholic father, perhaps he will not even drink, but most often he will suffer from other types of addiction and she will experience the same feelings with him.
Career, studies, and achievements also suffer. Children who were not supported in all their endeavors, but, on the contrary, stopped, saying that nothing would work out, grew up in constant fear that it would not work out, that they were unworthy. Many great scientists, artists, actors and other great people have disappeared, just because mom, or dad, didn’t believe in him. Nobody told them: “You will succeed, I believe, I know.” Try again. Don't be upset. I love you"
Children who grow up under the overprotection of their parents become absolutely dependent, unable to make decisions and take responsibility for their lives. They blame anyone for their failed life: circumstances, people, politics, time, etc. It is very difficult for them to get along in a team, build a career, and personal life.

Consequences of conflicts between child and mother

Family psychologists never tire of repeating how important the relationship between a mother and her child is. A person’s self-confidence and his future successes in his personal life often depend on the level of home warmth. What are the consequences of such hatred?

In the future, it may be difficult for a child to find a common language with his own children.
Due to the lack of maternal support and her eternal criticism, a person develops unnecessary complexes.
Often conflicts with the mother result in the child, in principle, being unable to love and build relationships.
Conflicts in the family often become a stimulus for increased aggressiveness in life.
Due to strained relationships with the closest and dearest person, the child may develop bad habits in the future.

Psychologists have repeatedly been able to establish that a person’s problems often come from the family. The inability to build long-term relationships, conflicts with one’s own children, career failures - all this gives rise to enmity with the mother.

Moreover, the person himself may not think about how much his complexes are connected with this enmity. This is why it is so important to sometimes talk to a specialist and explain how and when the complexes arose.

Of course, it is simply impossible to resolve a long-term conflict with a parent in one evening over a cup of tea. This is a long process that involves a constant struggle with one’s own inner demons. Moreover, the initiative must come from both sides. Both mother and her child must realize how important this relationship is for them and make concessions.

Over time, the situation should normalize. However, if relatives continue to develop complexes, the situation should be studied in more detail. Perhaps the mother’s aggressiveness has long roots and is connected with her personal problems in childhood, with grievances once hidden in the depths of her heart.

One way or another, the situation cannot be left unresolved. Mother and child should always communicate, because nothing in the world can replace such warmth, spiritual and physical. Listen to your mother’s advice, try to forget about the old enmity and the conflict will resolve itself.

Elena, Astrakhan

Parents do not treat them as equals

Parents do not treat their already adult children seriously, as equals. For them, a child will remain a child even at 30 or 40 years old. Therefore, claims made against them most often remain unanswered.

Most of the older generation is confident that they are right; it is almost impossible to prove otherwise. They often do not know who their offspring have become, do not respect boundaries, do not allow them to live life to the fullest or believe that they can still manage it, they listen but do not hear.

We recommend reading the articles:

“How to understand that you have low self-esteem”

"How to increase self-esteem"

I would like to return to my own question: why does a mother not love her own child?

There are several reasons, and in fact, knowing the reason will not help justify the cruel attitude of a mother towards her child.

The most common one is transferring one’s own traumatic experience to raising children.

A woman, having become a mother, completely copies the child-parent relationship in her family, and in exactly the same way, she raises and treats her children.

With age, some of these women change, gain their own life experience, and it happens that subsequent children do not receive such an abusive attitude towards themselves.

But the first children have already received their traumas, and the mother’s changes cannot change the past, no matter how hard she tries.

But only a few change; the majority leave the parental scenario of raising children for the rest of their lives, while they completely justify their own behavior and blame their own children for not appreciating their efforts. And they consider their attitude towards children to be sincerely love and care, and no one will convince them of this.

The second reason why mothers do not love their children is mental disorders.

Unfortunately, in our country, a person will go to a psychiatrist only under pain of the death penalty, therefore, we have many undiagnosed mentally ill people.

I specifically looked for statistics on mental illness in Russia, and was dumbfounded by the numbers. Here is a small quote from the article:

“According to research, a mental or neurotic (depressive) disorder is observed in every third Russian . In recent years, the number of people with disabilities has increased by 13% due to mental disorders. These are very alarming figures, as experts suggest that due to the stigmatization of mental disorders in Russia, people seek psychiatric help only in the most extreme cases, and a huge number of patients are left without examination and qualified treatment.” (link to article)

I plan to write several articles about some mental personality disorders in the near future (write in the comments if you would like to read more about this).

But if you have an acute problem, I recommend searching for information about mental disorders on the Internet, and I am sure that you will be amazed at how the symptoms of the diseases will apply to your mother.

Narcissistic personality disorder;
Psychopathic personality disorder;
Borderline Personality Disorder;
Bipolar personality disorder;
Depressive personality disorder;
Anxious personality disorder.

I will not go deeper into this topic, because if your mother had or has a mental personality disorder, then the question is: “Why doesn’t she love me?” is removed automatically.

Is it possible to improve the relationship?

Ilya is 43 years old.
“Mom calls 3 times a day, monitoring my breakfast, lunch and dinner, hygiene, and whether I checked everything, turned it off when leaving. This has been going on for 40 years. In response to my requests not to do this, she laughs and replies that I am careless and frivolous, and if it weren’t for her, I would not have survived at all. I hate myself because I can’t fight back against my own mother, I hate her because she tells the truth... I’m a careless, clumsy, slack loser.”
Maria is 58 years old.
“I have 3 children, I’m divorced, I haven’t been in a relationship for many years. She lived her whole life with her mother until her death. She hated all husbands, considered them unworthy of me, provoked me to divorce, said that my mother knew better who I needed. Mom generally knew everything better: where to study, work, who to work with, who to be friends with.
Even at the age of 35, I was not given speech and freedom of action, I am already over 50, my mother has been dead for more than 10 years, but I have never learned to live on my own. I'm still waiting for advice, solutions, help. And I also hate my mother because my life is broken..."

There are a million of these and similar stories. The main thesis: “I hate my parents, my mother, my father...”

Find out how much your self-esteem depends on the opinions of others, go through:

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Conflict of interest between two adult women

The described problem gains more serious momentum in the daughter’s adulthood in her relationship with her mother. And if youthful maximalism projects problematic situations based more on fantasized grievances that do not exist in real life, then an adult woman in disputes with her mother is guided by real facts. “Mom doesn’t love my child”, “my mother continues to hate my husband”, “my mother only becomes more stubborn and angry with age” - such thoughts today often occur to mature, stately women who already have their own family and their own children. Often this behavior of mothers is explained by age: it is not for nothing that they say that old people are like children. Excessive touchiness, manifestations of annoyance, and frequent upsets for no reason are increasingly common in older women. And on whom else should they take out the costs of their old age, if not on their children?

Resentment towards parents of adult children

A colossal number of people, growing up, experience such strong hostility towards their parents that they stop calling and seeing them, deny their existence, try to go as far as possible, ignore them. Your silence and reluctance to get in touch, or moving, will not solve the problem. An offended child becomes an offended adult.

These situations should be understood from the very beginning. That is, if you were beaten as a child and you grew up as an insecure, complex adult with pronounced aggression towards people and the world, do not rush to blame your mom or dad for all the sins.

It is quite possible, and most likely it was, that your parents were also beaten by their parents. They had no other experience, and in Russia and the Soviet Union it was customary to equate physical punishment with education and justify it with it.

This is a widespread phenomenon and your case is not at all unique. You should understand and accept that for them this was the norm declared by society and time. Then no one thought or knew that a belt and rods could forever destroy not only mental balance, but also future life.

If fifty years ago your father had been told that hitting you on the butt and sending you to the corner for breaking dishes would deprive you of self-confidence, deprive you of a sense of security, traumatize you for the rest of your life and make you hate yourself, he would never have done it. I didn’t believe it, but would have twirled my finger at my temple.

All grievances of adult children can be divided into 2 parts: resentment against the mother and resentment against the father,

depending on which parent behaved more destructively.

Resentment towards mother

Resentment towards the mother leads to distrust of all people; in the future, a man or woman will be sure that everyone wants to offend him or her, deceive him or even betray him.

Resentment towards the mother leads to devastating changes in the girl’s life. Daughters grow up masculine, taking upon themselves everything that is necessary and not necessary, and will deny any similarities, external or internal, with their mother.

An interesting fact is that when they are offended by their mother, both men and women do not want or are afraid that they will have a girl, and in general, those who are offended by their parents do not seek to have children.

A man who is offended by his mother usually has several options for the development of events:

The first is that a man will choose a powerful, cold life partner, and his aggression and hatred will be more hidden and suppressed.
The second option is that a man will treat all women consumeristly, without considering them as an individual, a person, for him they are a lower class, a servant or something like that.

Resentment towards father

Daughters who are offended by their fathers clearly suffer in their personal lives. A woman is looking for a partner in a relationship who will solve all her problems, replace her father and everything that her own father could not give. Or, on the contrary, she turns into an imperious “snow queen” who is not at all interested in relationships.
Sons more often suffer from careers, self-realization and everything related to work and income. In family life they are weaker, gentle and sensitive, touchy and vulnerable. The other extreme is also possible, in the form of authoritarianism, cruelty, and imperiousness.

Mother and father: such different love

How nice it would be if raising children was regulated solely by instincts. Just reproduce the sequence of actions fixed at the genetic level, get a predictable result, and no painful thoughts and internal tossing for you.

By the way, until the beginning of the 20th century, maternal love was credited with a similar, unconsciously innate character. But over time, data began to accumulate on such significant differences in upbringing that scientists began to seriously wonder whether the maternal instinct was so omnipotent.

Of course, motherhood has a natural basis - for example, doctors have proven that its strength directly depends on the hormonal status of the female body. Thus, a low level of the ACTH-RF hormone causes a weakening of the maternal instinct, to the point that a woman stops feeding her children and taking care of them in any way.

But still, the mother’s attitude towards the child is largely determined by ideological reasons, and the experience of pleasure from interacting with the baby is nothing more than a natural safety net, an additional mechanism that binds the mother to the baby.

Dad feels differently. If for a woman the safety of a child is tantamount to complete control on her part, then a man, on the contrary, encourages children's independence and the development of new experiences, while being the guarantor of the same security.

Father's love is conditional: the heir must go beyond the boundaries of his mother's cozy little world, prove his right to life and earn independence. It is interesting that “papal” authoritarianism is perceived by children more constructively than maternal one. The first stimulates development, the second suppresses. It is because of such gender differences that in many cultures there is a tradition: until the age of 3-5, a child develops under the supervision of his mother, and only then does the father become involved in his upbringing.

However, now society is cultivating the early inclusion of the father in the life of the child, and at the same time, a woman has the right not to devote herself entirely to the family. Moreover, a modern mother can plan the birth of a child and determine the “measure” of her involvement in motherhood. It would seem that you can live and be happy, but even in such comfortable conditions, a dislike for children arises from somewhere.

How to forgive grievances against parents

You can list many human destinies, stories where everything is due to resentment towards your main loved ones, resentment that grew into hatred and poisoned the soul, heart and life.

The choice is yours - to forgive or not, to take revenge and ignore, to disappear or to try to forget. The latter is unlikely to succeed, since it is impossible to forget your past, but it is possible to free yourself from childhood grievances and change your attitude towards them.

It may take more than one day or month to change your thinking, look at your childhood and parents from the other side, and let go of resentment towards those who brought you into this world.

Let's divide the actions into several points:

Acknowledge your feelings. Anger, hatred, resentment, whatever it is, admit to yourself that this is exactly what you feel towards mom or dad. Allow yourself to feel this. Accept your emotions, condition, feelings.
Try to understand the parents, explain their actions, why they did or said this, perhaps they had no other choice. Don’t judge them, they had no other experience, and they themselves didn’t know what to do, in the vast majority of cases, they came from the best intentions and wanted only the best for you, even if they used methods that we now consider toxic and destructive.
Don't try to change them and don't expect them to become different people. This is impossible. Parents are who they are, this must be accepted as a fact and come to terms with it. They most likely will not admit their guilt, but, on the contrary, will blame you - their children. This is a defensive reaction of the psyche, a mother may know that she is to blame for something, but cannot accept it - this destroys her picture of the world, in which she is a good person and a good mother, so she will turn her guilt against you.
Be direct. Talk to mom, dad. Directly and clearly explain what you don’t like or what offends or offends you. Be prepared in advance that you will be haunted by feelings of guilt (I offended my mother), let go of this guilt, separate yourself from mom or dad, you have the right to feel offended and talk about it. Do this for yourself to get rid of that “lump in the throat”, unexpressed feelings, chronic stress
Realize that you can have different feelings towards your parents, and love or hate is your choice. Awareness and articulation of these points is very important.
It is important to understand that your inner child is offended and you need to return to the position of an adult and take responsibility for your life and emotions.
Bring the relationship to a formally friendly note, set personal boundaries that must be respected. It is quite possible to improve relationships by turning them into friendly conversations or reducing communication to a minimum.

I can't communicate with my mother and I hate myself for it. How do people with a guilt complex live?

Source: Snob (snob.ru), Moscow, September 6, 2020

Everyone is familiar with the feeling of guilt. But how to live when it becomes destructive and takes on pathological forms? People with guilt syndrome told “Snob” who imposed this feeling on them in childhood and how it complicated their adult life.

Alexandra's story

I'm five years old, my sister is about three. We're playing around. Mom can’t calm us down, so she lies down on the sofa, rolls her eyes and asks to call her neighbor: “I’m dying!” We believe her (my mother was very ill, suffered from asthmatic attacks of suffocation and spent my entire early childhood in hospitals), crying, we promise to obey, and ask: “Just, please, mommy, don’t die!” Since then I have been very afraid of death and think about it often.

I'm a late child. My mother grew up in a conservative family. Since childhood, she instilled in my sister and me that premarital sex is bad, girls who lose their virginity before marriage are prostitutes, and sex itself is dirty and abominable and is only needed to give birth to children. I think these views are also explained by the fact that she married an unloved man who was much older than her. It was a kind of marriage of convenience: the mother needed to find a place in the big city, and the father, for whom this was his second marriage, needed a free housekeeper. When, as a teenager, I shared my love experiences and failures with my mother, she would call me an idiot and say that it was my fault because decent girls don’t chase boys. Instead of support and words of consolation, I only heard accusations and reproaches. That said, I can’t say that I felt unloved or unappreciated in other ways.

Until I was 18, my mother managed to keep me under a tight rein. Then I started to “rebel”: I dyed my hair black and got a piercing. I still didn't have a relationship. Mom constantly controlled where I was and with whom. I lost my virginity two months before my twentieth birthday. Mom went to rest with her sister, and I could walk until late with whoever I wanted. The father took this calmly. It was sex for sex's sake. Nature began to take its toll at the age of 16, but somehow there was no opportunity. And then I just slept with a guy I’d known for a couple of weeks. I remember my first thought was: “Now no one will marry me.”

Since then, every time I get into a relationship or have sex with a new partner, I feel guilty. I'm worried that they'll think badly of me, even though they don't. I don't want them to think I'm a whore. This attitude, hammered into my head as a child, does not allow me to live in peace, although with my brain I understand that all this is nonsense.

When my mother found out that I was not a “girl,” she said that she was disappointed that I had disgraced her: “You made a “mistake,” I hope you won’t “make a mistake” (read: have sex with someone before marriage) again.” . To this day, when we quarrel, she can sometimes call me a prostitute just because I had more than one partner, and even before marriage. At the same time, sex happened infrequently in my life, and I never cheated on my regular partner, even if I slept with him a couple of times a year, until the relationship completely broke down. Well, I'm starting to make excuses again...

Strong feelings of guilt affected more than just my sex life. Mom, who was used to living the life my sister and I lived, never came to terms with the fact that we grew up. When, at the age of 25, my sister decided to live separately and moved out, my mother, with tears in her eyes, accused her of ingratitude, of “abandoning her elderly parents to the mercy of fate,” etc. The father, I must say, took his daughter’s move as a taken for granted and did not make a tragedy out of it. I couldn't move out. The feeling of guilt, love for my parents and the feeling that family is most important got the better of me, although I understand that moving out does not mean quitting. Well, my parents are really elderly, I help them a little financially (which also prevents me from renting a house) and do various small jobs around the house: from going to the store for groceries and making an appointment at the clinic to nailing down shelves and fixing a laptop.

Everything would be fine, but my mother is still trying to control me and meddle in my personal life (“Good girls don’t behave like that!” - “Mom, I’m a grown woman! Stop talking to me like I’m a little girl!”). I'm trying to assert my boundaries and learning to say no. Often this ends in a quarrel. I break down and yell obscenities that I’m sick of everything, that I can’t do this anymore. If my mother is visiting a sick person, I can send her. Previously, I was always silent and endured her insults, but then I got tired of it. In response, I hear that I have no right to insult her, but she can do this, because she gave birth to me, and not vice versa. I blame myself very much for these breakdowns later. And the mother begins to tell her friends that children are ungrateful and there is no need to devote your life to them.

I've been crying a lot lately and I think it would be better if I moved. “Well, move out! - she says, and then almost immediately: - And you too! Yes, I put my whole life on you, I didn’t sleep at night!” By the way, my mother is still unsuccessfully trying to return my sister to her father’s house, trying to influence her through the parents of a friend with whom my sister rents an apartment. My conversations on the topic that my sister has long been an adult, independent, independent and there is no need to interfere in her life, lead to only one reaction: “I don’t interfere! And in general, I am a mother, I know what is best. She should live at home. When she gets married, let her do what she wants.”

Mom, due to circumstances, never served a “glass of water” to her mother. My aunt looked after my bedridden grandmother, who lived in another country, for many years. She never got her life together. Sometimes it seems to me that the same will happen to me and that I will only be free when my mother is gone. I hate myself for this thought. And I’m very afraid of this moment: I love my parents and don’t want to lose them.

All these showdowns and gnawing feelings of guilt take up a lot of energy, so I try not to leave the room and keep communication with my mother to a minimum, and this is difficult - we live in the same house. And, of course, then my mother begins to be offended that I don’t communicate with her much, and I again begin to be tormented by a feeling of guilt. And so on in a circle.

Veronica Timoshenko, psychologist at Semeyny:

Many psychologists believe that the cause of guilt in adults is strict or even harsh upbringing, which does not take into account the needs of the child. Alexandra’s mother used manipulative techniques, instilling in the girl that she was obliged to live up to her expectations, often idealistic. The feeling of guilt imposed on the girl was used as leverage over the child.

A person who grew up in such a family seems to live a life that is not his own. A guilt complex forces him to constantly please his parents' will. He experiences fear of choice: he chooses who to be, who to live with, how to behave, not on his own, but with an eye on his parents. At the same time, it seems to him that he is not good enough at his job, in his relationships with his partner, children, and friends. The feeling of guilt is painful and causes great discomfort, which does not allow you to feel happy.

Maryana's story

My whole life my mother told me that I was somehow wrong, that I couldn’t cope with anything and wasn’t capable of anything. I believed her and since childhood I lived with a feeling of anxiety, thinking that everyone lives like this. It wasn't until last year, when I sought help from a therapist due to panic attacks, that my eyes began to open.

Since childhood, my mother shamed me and blamed me for everything. I remember one late evening, when I was little, I woke up and didn’t find my mother nearby. I was very scared and sobbing loudly, “Mom! Mom!”, ran out onto the porch. Then she appeared and, instead of calming me down, started yelling that I should be ashamed, that I was disgracing her in front of the neighbors, she was so big - I was scared! Another case. My mother and I returned home late. It was a long way to go, and some soldiers decided to give us a lift. There were three of them. Mom, an anxious person, came up with something and started crying. Maybe she was afraid to travel alone with three men. (She later told a friend that she didn’t know what came over her then.) I was scared and, not understanding why my mother was crying, I also started crying. As a result, we were dropped off on the side of the road. Mom started screaming that they did this because of me and I shouldn’t have cried. And there were many such situations when I was made guilty.

In general, it seems to me that my younger brother and I were something like cats for my mother: if my mother was in a good mood, she could pat her on the head, if she was in a bad mood, we shouldn’t get in her way. Mom had a saying that she used to scare my brother and me if we didn’t obey: “You’ll jump up to me again.” Hearing this, we rushed to do everything. True, she didn’t beat us. Our father was an alcoholic - I was scared to death of him. Mom knew this, but did nothing - she is not good at love and support. Therefore, since childhood, I tried to be as comfortable as possible for my parents: sit quietly, talk little, don’t ask for anything again, as long as they don’t get angry. I thought that this way they would love me more and scold me less.

A few years later, my mother divorced my father and often told my brother and me: “If you don’t like something, live with him.” I had the feeling that my mother didn’t care whether we were there or not. After the divorce, I missed her terribly: she worked a lot and spent almost all her free time with her friends. Due to the stress I experienced, at the age of 16 I developed social phobia and obsessive-compulsive disorder, and later generalized anxiety disorder. My therapist and I are still working on this.

I entered the university, but later dropped out due to depression that hit me during the third session. Mom then just started hinting that she didn’t know how to continue paying for her education. And I was already so exhausted that in a sense I decided to do her a “favor” by leaving everything. I thought that I was not smart enough to study at university, and I needed to go to work as a salesperson, like my mother. Although I passed all previous sessions successfully. After that, my mother constantly told me that I was a failure, that now my only choice was to find a rich husband and live off him, because I was of no use anyway. Manipulation, lies, sarcasm, devaluation, criticism and the constant belief that I was helpless were presented as care for me. Therefore, for a long time I idealized my mother and believed that the problem was solely in me, that everything was my fault. I even had thoughts of suicide - I felt like such a nasty and worthless person.

I lived with my mother for another ten years - there was no financial opportunity to move out. Constant screams, scandals, “you live in my house, so do as I tell you.” It is very difficult to live with a person who is always dissatisfied with everything and criticizes everyone. At 28, I moved out and was finally able to breathe out. My brother, who is two years younger than me, still lives with his mother and has no plans to move out. He considers her a savior who took us away from our aggressive alcoholic father. I think my brother subconsciously believes that as long as he lives with his mother, he will be fine.

With the move, anxiety and depression did not go away. Every time I met with my mother, the mood deteriorated: it was as if I was thrown back into the past, where I was not considered anything and was constantly reproached. When I said how great it would be to go live in another city or country, she told me that I couldn’t cope and would disappear, and in general, how could I leave my mother. If I didn’t want to do something for her, she said: “Well, how can it be that you’re refusing your own mother?” And I felt guilty again.

A couple of years ago, panic attacks were added to my anxiety and depression. I remember one night, when it hit me, I called my mom and asked to talk to me, because I was very scared and it seemed like I was dying. Mom just said irritably that I had chosen a bad time to call, because she had to get up early for work tomorrow, and I had to deal with my problems myself. I didn’t turn to her for help anymore and finally turned to a psychotherapist. He helped me get rid of panic attacks and understand that I do not have to maintain relationships with people who make me feel bad, even if they are my relatives. I realized that all this time I had not broken contact with my mother only out of a sense of duty, and in the end I stopped communicating. But sometimes I think that I was mistaken, that all this seemed to me, that suddenly the therapist and I are wrong and with my decision I am violating age-old social principles. My inner child is still afraid of the mother on whom he depended as a child.

Veronica Timoshenko, psychologist at Semeyny:

Maryana grew up in a dysfunctional family with dependent and codependent relatives, and her mother was emotionally unstable. In such families, personal boundaries are not respected, there is no respect for each other and for children, and children do not have a sense of security. In order to survive, a child has to adapt to an adult, fulfilling his emotional needs. Subsequently, this strategy does not allow the individual to express himself and live a full life and can cause various disorders.

Sergei's story

My dad grew up without a father. His mother worked as a conductor. There was barely enough money to raise two children. My father learned early what responsibility and independence were. Although we played football and went fishing with him, he did not participate in my direct upbringing and never gave the advice that a boy needed so much, for example, what to do if a fight breaks out.

My mother is the youngest child in a large village family. Her childhood could not be called happy either: she had to do a lot of housework, and my grandfather, after drinking, sometimes ran after her with an ax for fun. After school, my mother moved to the city and studied to become a teacher. She treated me not like a son, but like a student, plus she took great care of me. My mother constantly scolded me for grades below an A, even if it was an A minus, and compared me with other children and with herself: “I studied for A’s, you should study like that too!” At the same time, I was not praised for excellent grades, because getting five is “normal,” “that’s how it should be.” Or here is another illustrative example of her attitude towards me. When I was 5-6 years old, I was playing in the yard with the boys: they threw me into a snowdrift and piled on top of me, and I almost suffocated, since I was the smallest. Frightened and crying, I returned home and swore at the boys from the doorway. For this, my mother immediately hit me with a hand on the lips, because I shouldn’t swear. My mother was absolutely not interested in why I was crying.

When I was 12, my parents took out a mortgage; my father worked late into the night to pay it off. Around the same period, we took in our paralyzed grandmother, who had begun to suffer from insanity. All this had a negative impact on the family psycho-emotional background. After classes, I was forced to sit at home and take care of my grandmother. I began to study worse. My attempts to justify myself to my mother did not lead to anything good: in response to my arguments like “there are children who study worse,” she hypocritically retorted “they don’t bother me,” although my mother often compared me with those who study better. During these quarrels, I sometimes heard from my mother, “Some people in the orphanage live without parents at all, so you should be happy!” I didn’t understand why she behaved this way towards me, and at some point I began to feel like an unwanted child (later I made complaints to my parents for this, trying to make them feel guilty - I used their own methods against them). In addition, my father sometimes, without malice or intention to hurt me, told me that even before his marriage, in another city, he had a good job as a scientist and he regretted that due to family circumstances he had to give up everything and return home. My consciousness distorted this story into the thought: “If he regrets that he returned, it means he regrets that he started a family, that I was born.”

By the age of 16, I developed a depressive disorder. Attempts to verbally justify myself, get rid of the feeling of guilt, prove that I was normal, led to nothing, but only aggravated the situation, and I began to cripple myself. Physical pain distracted from mental pain and allowed emotions to be released. In a fit of anger, despair, or hysteria, I could create a hematoma on my forehead with a pen and stab my hand with a knife. The mother’s “maternal instinct” immediately turned on, and she abandoned her attacks. It turns out that I became the one who manipulates and causes feelings of guilt. We switched roles.

At 23, depression reached its peak: I lost sleep, couldn’t taste food, got up feeling like a brick had been placed on my head, and thought about suicide (“No person, no problem”). Good friends sent me to a psychiatrist. Psychotherapy sessions helped me return to relative normality, recover physically and change my attitude towards the situation. However, I cannot say that I have solved all my problems.

My critical condition affected my relationship with my parents. I communicate normally with my father, because I have fewer complaints against him. With the mother - depending on how. Although we had long conversations about forgiving each other, her habit of remembering the events of 10-15 years ago during any quarrel causes me a sharp response. We still periodically throw bile at each other, it’s just that now I dominate the conflict (at the same time, I don’t wish my parents harm). This is absolutely not good for anyone, so I decided to distance myself and keep contact to a minimum. When I moved away from my parents, life became much easier for me.

Veronica Timoshenko, psychologist at Semeyny:

Sergei's mother was emotionally cold and distanced herself from the child. In addition to the feeling of guilt, she imposed an excellent student complex on him. The feeling of guilt begins to take on pathological dimensions and forms when a person engages in constant self-flagellation, does not believe in his own strength, becomes touchy, and refuses to think and dream about the future. To get rid of this destructive feeling, a person needs to admit that it has acquired a pathological form and go to see a specialist. Because, as a rule, a person with a guilt complex cannot independently accept the postulates that no one is obliged to meet the expectations of others, that each personality has its own boundaries, that each personality is integral and valuable in itself, and look at the situation from different angles.

The guilt complex goes hand in hand with the concept of obligation. There is a common concept: “no one owes anything to anyone.” It may sound controversial. But try replacing the word “should” with the word “want”, and then your actions and your life will take on a completely different meaning: I help my loved ones not because I have to, but because I love them and want to help. Do you feel the difference?

You should not blame your parents and your difficult childhood for your own adult problems and failures. Try to become a better parent to your inner child. Your life is in your hands.

What is a guilt complex and how to get rid of it

Irina Kutyanova, psychologist at Semeynoye:

Guilt is an exaggerated sense of responsibility; it can be both rational and irrational. An irrational feeling of guilt arises when a child is given responsibility disproportionate to his age (as in the third story), and too much is demanded and expected of him. The child cannot cope and feels guilty.

In all the stories, children were unwanted or not born out of love - and this is the root of the problem in the first place. That is, the formation of a guilt complex began even before these children were born. Such children try in every possible way to earn the love of their parents, but at the same time they believe that they are unworthy of being happy. They try to be comfortable, first for their parents, and later for those around them.

Parents unconsciously convey negative attitudes towards life to children who are unwanted or not born in love: don’t love, don’t live, don’t be happy. For example, in the first story, the mother, on a subconscious level, believed that she had entered into an unhappy marriage, therefore her daughter does not have the right to be happy and must follow her path, and her own desires are bad and sinful. In such families, there is a problem of emotional fusion, lack of boundaries, the child is perceived not as a separate person, but as the property of the parents.

Therefore, in order to overcome the guilt complex, a person needs to work with building personal boundaries, understand when he is acting under the influence of his own emotions and when under the influence of others, increase his value and significance and give himself permission to live, love and be happy person. For people with a guilt complex, it is important to work with the release of emotions, although it will be very painful for them to realize that they are unwanted and have a traumatic childhood. It is important for them to separate from their parents, especially emotionally. Sometimes physical separation is necessary: moving out and not allowing your parents to interfere with your life. When this happens, the feeling of guilt weakens and the relationship becomes equal.

However, it is not easy for such parents to let their children go. When children grow up, parents become afraid that they will become unnecessary. Then manipulation begins: for example, a mother suddenly feels bad when her son is going on a date or is somehow trying to arrange his personal life. Parents begin to burden their children with responsibility and remind them of unpaid debt. Although caring for parents is ingrained in our culture, life is about moving forward: children give a “duty” to their children. It is difficult for a child who grew up without parental love to return it to his parents. He does something for his parents forcedly, out of an exaggerated sense of guilt and duty, and not out of love. When a child grows up in love, he returns not a “debt”, but care, of his own free will.

How to work through a grudge against parents

There are many techniques for working through your childhood grievances. Let's look at the most common ones.

Write a letter, or rather, letters.

The first thing is to tell my parents, from myself now, a story about all my experiences, all the pain and resentment, to tell them what tormented me for so long.
The second letter is to my little self, with words of support and understanding.
The third letter is the answer if your parents would answer you after reading it.

Re-read these letters, understand everything, and then burn them or tear them up and throw them away. There is no need to store them. This method perfectly helps to shed the heavy burden of old grievances, allow your “inner child” to speak out, forgive and understand.

Compensate yourself for what you didn’t have in childhood and adolescence. Become your own parent for a while: buy the same dress that you so wanted 25 years ago, but didn’t have the money, go to the circus, feel sorry for yourself, or, conversely, constantly praise for the work done, and just praise.
Shout out your pain. Going to a deserted place will help here. Go to a place where there is no one and just scream at the top of your lungs, let your hatred and anger come out, throw it out, cry, grieve. This is a big step forward for many people and helps a lot.

Important Give time to put everything in its place, don’t expect quick changes. Your grievances have accumulated over the years and now you cannot get rid of them so easily, but it is quite possible to change your attitude towards them. You won’t be able to forget, but you will be able to let go of the past, accept it and start living differently.

Maternal love as a consequence of unwanted pregnancy

In everyday life, we are used to seeing happy children next to equally happy mothers. Alas, the current environment, poor heredity, as well as the decline in health indicators both among older members of society and among young urban residents, entail frequent metamorphoses in which seemingly healthy women suffer from infertility. Therefore, today for many of them, the number one pressing problem and insoluble issue is the inability to become a mother. In such cases, unhappy women look with tears in their eyes and involuntary envy at other representatives of the fair sex who have already experienced the joy of motherhood.

Despite the irresistible feeling of joy that every young mother should experience, today there are often ladies who are not particularly happy about their pregnancy, and especially about motherhood. Unfortunately, such non-standard trivial situations still happen among some representatives of the fair sex. As a result, women who give birth during an unwanted pregnancy are then unable to adequately express their feelings towards their own child. The unfortunate baby, being a child and then growing up as a full-fledged mature person, then often asks the question: “Why did my mother never love me?”

Help from a psychologist

It’s good when there is a loved one with whom you can share your experiences, who will understand and listen. More often than not, situations associated with childhood are so difficult, sometimes even catastrophic, that it is not possible to decide to tell or share with a friend.

Psychologists note that relationships with parents are one of the most frequent requests lately. Treatment of childhood injuries sometimes takes months or even years, depending on the severity of the situation.

Having worked through your grievances and hatred, you can get rid of negativity, from wrong attitudes, and find the answer to the question: “How to forgive your parents?” A specialist will help determine causes and consequences and choose the appropriate work method. Your life is in your hands.

The information presented in this material is for informational purposes only and does not replace professional advice from a physician. If you feel resentment and hatred towards your parents and it gnaws at you, consult a specialist!

Author: Anna Zabrovskaya

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Tags: psychological state psychologist online problems with self-esteem low self-esteem how to increase self-esteem how to become happy test locus of control test motivation approval

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Adaptation of a first-grader at school. Difficulties and features of the period of getting used to studying.

How can we try to improve the current situation?

Here is one of the techniques. Invite your son to draw. For example, draw your family. First, you can ask him what family means to him, who his family is. The picture can show a family on a walk, at lunch, at a birthday party, etc.

The child will determine this himself. Next, ask the boy to name 2-3 positive qualities that each family member has, or what each person does best. And it’s better to start with him himself.

Summarize what you drew, note how soulful the drawing turned out, what a beautiful and strong family it shows, how many good qualities the family has. Praise your son for his drawing, for his ability to note the positive characteristics of everyone, add a few more positive qualities to his “portrait”.

A child swears at school: what to do?

We have already said that after five years a child swears consciously and, moreover, does it intentionally. That is, he already knows when and what word is best to use. At this age, the main thing is to chop while still standing. Then school, friends and independent life begin. Well, as an independent person - you no longer walk hand in hand with him, he begins to communicate more often and more with his peers, goes to visit them (or vice versa)

It is important not to let this situation slip, but also not to go too far

If a child swears at school:

Under no circumstances, do not scold or hit! At this age, the child begins to form as a personality. He makes his own friends, lays the foundations of communication and even a position among his peers. If you scold, criticize, or, even worse, beat your child, he will simply withdraw into himself. And this will not only have a bad effect on communication with friends, but also on your studies. After all, an insecure person doubts everything.
Perhaps he made not very good, let's say, comrades. Another very common mistake made by most parents is to forbid him to be friends with anyone or to force him to make friends that you like. This will only result in riots and even more swearing. If he really got involved in bad company, try to gently and unobtrusively convince him that these are not the best friends.

At this age, aspects such as meaning and position in society already become important. There is no need to tell tales about Leshy who takes away bad boys. And speaking swear words is bad. If a 7-year-old child swears, he himself understands it perfectly well. Heartfelt conversations are important here. Moreover, things need to be called by their proper names. Press (only gently, without pressure) on who he will become. It’s worth giving clear examples of which people on the street swear more often (you don’t need to look for them for long).
Swearing is often used to express anger. You can create such a rule in your family - replace obscene words with acceptable and harmless expressions. Let those around you not understand you in this case. But then, just get closer to your child.

Better yet, teach and let your child understand that there is another way to get rid of tension. For example, play sports, run or just take a walk in the fresh air.
Although we said that there is no need to tell children fairy tales about the dangers of swearing at this age, one version can be announced at this age. By saying swear words, we seem to turn to the dark side of life and turn away from our guardian angel. Therefore, troubles and troubles will happen in life.
If teachers complain about a student, do not press the drill on the child with them. At this age, the support and faith of parents is very important. Of course, you also don’t need to attack teachers in defense of your child. Just try to figure out what happened at home. If a child loses his temper, try to find out the reason. Find out if there is anything you can do to help or come up with a joint solution to the problem.
And one more piece of advice - slowly let the child go away from you. He must prepare for adulthood and become independent. Give him the right to choose and vote in your family, let him make mistakes. Always support your child, but do not control or dictate too much. Especially at that age.

Misjudgments

The main causes of girlish disorder regarding unacceptable (through the eyes of children) behavior of parents can be their following judgments:

“My mother loves my sister, but she hates me.” 50% of children living in families where there is more than one child think so. The eternal battle of lots between brothers and sisters regarding who receives more parental love is due to typical manifestations of youthful egoism. Often, these are, again, far-fetched beliefs of teenagers.
"My mom doesn't like my boyfriend." Another rather stupid belief that is common among many young girls. Any mother (especially of the Soviet type) does not accept her daughter’s relationship at such a young age in general, in principle. And this does not mean that she does not like the young man who is her daughter’s boyfriend; it only means that she considers any romantic relationship with her participation to be too premature.
“My mother doesn’t love me because I interfere with her life.” When girls hear various kinds of comments from their mothers, for example, regarding unsatisfactory academic performance or the inability to clean up after themselves, or about refusal to help with housework, at this age girls take everything with hostility. As a result, it seems to them that they are simply annoying their mother with their presence and feel completely misunderstood and unnecessary to their parents.

Ways to deal with mother hatred

It is normal to experience difficult feelings due to conflict with loved ones. But it's worth asking what happens next to these feelings:

they are realized or suppressed;
accumulate as a heavy burden or splash out in the form of anger on others;
what is hidden behind hatred - a feeling of humiliation, powerlessness, fear, anger, resentment.

The girl is alone with her troubles.
A child who still lives with his parents can hardly influence the situation in the home and family. But you can help yourself, learn to support yourself, and handle your emotions correctly.

What to do if you hate and are angry with your mother

Accept your anger and not blame yourself for it: “I have the right to be angry, irritated, offended by my mother, and this does not make me a bad person.”
Think about what lies behind the hatred. Hatred is a very strong feeling that overshadows the others, but it does not mean the entire attitude towards the mother.
It is safe for yourself and others to be angry. A lot of problems in relationships are due to the fact that loved ones suppress negative feelings towards each other, accumulate them, and then take it out on others. You can speak your irritation out loud before it overwhelms you, write your thoughts down on paper; throw out anger into actions - stomp, growl, hit a pillow, tear paper.
Learn to correctly convey your thoughts and feelings. For example, to use I-messages - during a conflict, do not reproach and blame, but explain your state: not “you don’t understand me!”, but “I feel lonely” or “it’s difficult for me to deal with the problem myself.” Such expressions sound unusual at first, but later help people understand each other.
Seek support. You can almost always find a trustworthy adult in your environment - this could be a relative, a teacher, a coach, a school psychologist. It is not necessary to tell the situation at home in detail - a simple, confidential conversation with an adult on an abstract topic will already change the situation.

The girl thinks about her mother

A grown child, having left the parental home, still needs contact with his mother - this is a feature of the human psyche. The attachment to the mother lasts throughout life. If this connection was painful, communication between grown-up children and their parents does not bring joy and causes resentment and anger. But a grown child can take some responsibility for the relationship.

What to do with hatred of a mother in an already grown child

Go to a psychologist. Both a joint visit and an individual visit will be effective. If the proposal to go together to a psychologist causes ridicule, sarcasm, or devaluation from the mother, there is no need to insist, it is better to sign up for a consultation yourself, the benefits will be no less.
Refuse the image of an idealized mother. Every child dreams of a loving, accepting, supportive mother, but in reality, few have such parents. The psychological solution would be to admit that I will no longer have the mother I dream of.
Give yourself what your mother didn’t give you. Find out for myself what emotional needs I have - support, a sense of security, approval, love, and learn to satisfy them myself.
Define your psychological boundaries. Healthy boundaries mean that a person calmly and confidently explains how he can be treated and how he cannot be treated, while not “rolling out tanks” at every careless word or behavior.
Find out what kind of love is right for you. Often mothers do not know kind, supportive words, but they can show care in other ways - handing over potatoes from the dacha, knitting socks for their grandchildren. Discuss in what form your mother can show her love, and in which you are ready to accept.