I hate my mother-in-law: reasons, advice from psychologists, reviews

“I hate my mother-in-law” is a topic that can often be found on family forums, and for good reason. There are many anecdotes about the relationship between two women, but in life everything is much more dramatic. Quarrels can lead to divorce, so many wives endure in silence as long as they can, and some, less flexible and tolerant, start a real war with their husband’s mother. “I hate my mother-in-law, what should I do?” - wives come to a family psychologist with this question in order to maintain their relationship with their spouse.

Why is this happening?

While raising her son, the mother-in-law saw in him not just a child, but her own, ideal man, whom she had dreamed of all her life. Even if your spouse in reality is far from the idea of an ideal man, for her he is the best. The mother-in-law invested not only love in her son, but also ambition. She has already looked for the best girl for him, who matches her ideas about an ideal wife. And the mother-in-law will certainly oppose it if her son’s chosen one has a child from her first marriage. It is then, when reality does not meet expectations, that the mother-in-law’s main song begins: “This is not the kind of wife I wanted for you.” She begins to pester her daughter-in-law, nagging her and playing on her weaknesses. Here's what happens in everyday life:

Constant sharing of the beloved man - son and husband.
Showdowns from the series “who is the boss of the house.”
Different views on raising children, when the grandmother stands between her son, daughter-in-law and grandson, dictating what, how and to whom to do.
Different views on family life, household chores and leisure.
A son’s biased attitude towards a woman if he constantly criticizes her and compares her to his beloved mother.

What should a mother-in-law do to improve her relationship with her daughter-in-law?

The daughter-in-law does not have to carry the burden of reconciliation alone.

The husband's mother should also reconsider her behavior in order to make friends with the girl:

Don't criticize your daughter-in-law's appearance.
Don’t teach her “how to properly” cook, wash, clean, or shop. products, distribute money. Unless she asks for advice herself.
Do not impose your experience in raising children.
Don't talk about your son's ex-girlfriends.
There is no need to compete with your daughter-in-law.
Do not intrude into the personal affairs of young people.
Try to see positive qualities in your son's wife, not negative ones.

Wife's mistakes

Let's look at the main mistakes that wives make most often:

Numerous complaints to the spouse about the negative attitude of the mother and attempts to create a conflict that will show the daughter-in-law in a favorable light. This state of affairs will not only not improve the situation, but will also provoke a new wave of conflicts.
Rude language, swearing at the mother-in-law in the presence of her husband and more.
Playing for show, displaying feelings in front of the mother-in-law. This behavior can hardly be called adult.
Constant and obsessive attempts to please.
Reproaches during quarrels with her husband, that his mother raised him unsuccessfully, made him a loser, and everything in the same spirit.
Gossip about mother-in-law with neighbors and friends.
Separation of grandchildren from grandmother.

How to stop conflict?

If you also constantly repeat: “I hate my mother-in-law,” advice (what to do) comes from experts as follows:

Remember that your main weapon against your mother-in-law’s caustic attacks is tact and politeness. Stay calm and don't let her freak you out. If you are polite, she will have no choice but to stop attacking.
Nothing brings two people together like common interests. Invite your husband's mother to go shopping, to a cafe or cinema, or to aerobics classes. Perhaps deep down your mother-in-law doesn't want to get old and wants to spend more time with younger people.
The war with the husband’s mother is lost in advance, even if the mother herself often ruins the life of her adult son, and he does not speak very well of her. He is allowed to do this, but not you. His mother lived with him his entire life. Your complaints about your mother-in-law will ruin your family life, not their relationship with each other.
Don't try to take the palm from your mother. This is silly. Why do you have to be in charge? You are not a mommy, but a beloved woman. They run to wives of the “mommy” type for consolation, support and help, and then go to others to love them and conquer them, surprise them, and give them gifts. Women who become “mothers” for their men are doomed to be content with very little from them: to be happy when he eats borscht and enjoy modest bouquets on the Eighth of March, and meanwhile they have to invest much more in this relationship. And the men next to them become weak and helpless. So let mom be mom, don't interfere in the relationship between them.
No matter what your mother-in-law tells you, no matter what valuable advice she gives, you have the power to either get annoyed about it, or listen, nod and do as you see fit.
Accept the fact that your husband’s mother is not fighting against you personally. She sees you not as her son's wife, but as a rival for his attention and love. The mother-in-law thinks that she no longer needs her son, and begins to attract his attention in every possible way with attacks on her heart, a broken window, or anything else that her imagination can handle. This is a common manifestation of jealousy that occurs when a person lacks love. The simpler you take this, the better. Call your husband’s mother, consult with her, even for show. It is more important that she feels important. Ask about her health, what she did during the day, tell her good news. This little thing can significantly smooth out the rough edges in your relationship.
Praise her and her husband. Another nice little thing is feminine cunning and no fraud. Praise her pies, tell her that you would never make them like this yourself, appreciate her dress or blouse, and tell her how valuable your advice about the sweater was to her son. Praise your husband, what a wonderful, caring, wonderful father, hard worker he is, and overall a dream man. And never do the opposite: complaints about your husband let your mother-in-law understand that she is a bad mother and could not raise a worthy man. The more compliments you give, the faster the relationship will improve, but sincerity is important.
The mother-in-law is also a woman. Come to her with flowers, sweets, fruits or whatever she likes.
Do not interfere with your children's relationship with your husband's mother - they are not to blame for anything. After all, even the most evil mother-in-law in the world is just a grandmother for them. Give them a happy childhood, not memories of constant fighting.
Don't get personal or respond to insults, just agree so as not to inflame the conflict even further.
Don't have too frank conversations with your mother-in-law. Keep in mind that she can put everything in a favorable light for herself at the very first quarrel between you and your husband.
Don't make plans for revenge with other relatives.

I hate my mother-in-law: how to get rid of hatred?

Until about 30 years ago, mothers-in-law and mothers ironed and washed bed linen. Now everything is somewhat different. Even things for newborn babies are now no longer boiled or ironed at high temperatures.

Adviсe:

This is due to the fact that modern washing machines have appeared that contain silver ions and disinfect clothes. There are also special modes for washing newborn clothes. That is why there is no need for boiling, soaking, and bleaching things. Even modern shirts, as well as trousers, do not need to be ironed.
If such a need really arises, then purchase things that are made of wrinkle-resistant fabric. Nowadays there is really a huge number of such things, and all of them are suitable for wearing in the office. This will greatly facilitate your household chores, and there will be no need to constantly smooth out the arrows. It would also be a good idea to purchase a drying machine, since things dry in it quite quickly and, most importantly, do not wrinkle.
Therefore, ironing clothes will be much easier. In order not to upset your mother-in-law, try to introduce her to the benefits of civilization, and show her that it is not necessary to do housekeeping in the old-fashioned ways. Modern appliances and devices make household chores easier. If your mother-in-law really doesn’t like the fact that you don’t cook enough for your son and he doesn’t eat well, then give yourself a few days a month in which you will prepare for a few days in advance.
What is meant? Buy meat, prepare minced meat from it, and then cutlets, and freeze them. This way, you will have ready-made semi-finished products that you can prepare very quickly. To carry out such preparation you will have to spend some time, but in this way all the food will be homemade and very tasty.

Scandal with her husband
If the daughter-in-law tries in every possible way to improve the relationship, and the mother-in-law considers her her enemy, it is unlikely that it will be possible to improve the relationship. Therefore, the main task is to explain to your mother-in-law that you are not going to compete with her and do not want to share anything. Because the son belongs to both of you and will devote time to both the mother-in-law and daughter-in-law.

Should your spouse know?

Another question that concerns women: “Should my husband know that I am constantly under pressure and I hate my mother-in-law?” What should I do, should I tell him about it or not? Professionals recommend the following. If these are minor little things, then you shouldn’t talk about them. Imagine what it will be like for your spouse if you start putting pressure on him from both sides. You only need to hint at a frank conversation with your mother if the mother-in-law’s attacks continue for more than one month in a row. However, if he himself has a bad relationship with his mother, he most likely won’t have to wait for help. You need to solve the problem yourself.

Think about your mom

“I hate my mother-in-law and my husband, because he is so spineless, he doesn’t take my side, doesn’t protect me, I’m his family, me, not my mother.” Have you ever had such thoughts? Yes, you may have many objective reasons to be angry at the behavior of your spouse who does nothing in this direction. But imagine the other side of the conflict: the man you love constantly insults and humiliates your mother in your eyes, what does that feel like? You probably won’t like it either, and you won’t be able to restrain yourself from saying a few “kind” words to your spouse’s face. You will take mom's side, right? Then why should a husband behave any differently towards his mother?

Is it possible to improve relations with my husband's mother if nothing helps?

It is useless to seek reconciliation when one of the parties does not want peace. Some mothers-in-law simply enjoy humiliating their daughter-in-law.

If all the methods have been tried, but there is no result, and a lot of time has passed, it is reasonable to limit communication as much as possible and explain the decision to your husband.

Prioritization

I hate my mother-in-law, advice like “breathe more smoothly” no longer helps, what now? Decide what is important to you. You have every right to feel hatred if you want. But you may want to ask yourself why you are doing this. Include awareness, control of emotions and thoughts. Imagine, day after day you tell yourself “I hate my mother-in-law,” what do you get in return? Constantly scrolling through negative thoughts in your internal dialogue worsens your physical and emotional well-being. It has already been proven that many diseases are based on grievances, such as cancer. In psychology there is a whole section devoted to diseases and their psychological origins. This section is called “psychosomatics”. If you repeat every day: “I hate my mother-in-law,” and the advice of psychologists saying that you need to try to build relationships irritates you, then you are primarily harming yourself and your body. It's the same as throwing a ball of dirt at another person. It may not reach the recipient, but you are guaranteed to get your hands dirty.

Also, think not about yourself, but about your husband. How does this affect him? A man initially bears a large burden of responsibility: he is a money earner, a father, a husband, the whole family expects something from him. What does it feel like for him, coming home from work, to hear once again: “I hate my mother-in-law, your mother is terrible, we quarreled again, you know, but here she is...”. Do you really have nothing else to talk about except quarrels, and your husband has no other problems? Do you want his mother to leave your life, or for everything to be calm in the family?

I hate my mother-in-law: causes of conflicts

Many women are outraged that mothers-in-law have a completely different attitude towards housekeeping and everyday life than modern youth. This is true, because times were different before, when there were not a large number of fast food restaurants, home delivery, and household appliances that help with cleaning and cooking.

Causes:

Accordingly, at that time women were accustomed to working more and devoting a lot of time to housework. That is why the different rhythm of life of the modern generation can really irritate and upset the mother-in-law. This is connected not only with the daughter-in-law specifically, but with the entire generation as a whole. Because girls aged 20-30 are accustomed to having washing machines, food processors, as well as ovens, bread makers, and microwaves.
Accordingly, it is much easier to prepare a very tasty dinner now than it was then. Therefore, mothers-in-law are perplexed why a woman prefers not to cook, but to feed her son with semi-finished products, or food ordered from a restaurant.
However, in the past, working conditions were slightly different than they are now. In most cases, everyone worked at state enterprises, where they understood the young parents, making various concessions. Previously, a woman could actually go on sick leave more often, because she had lawyers and a trade union behind her.
Now there are very few state-owned companies left. Therefore, many women work in private enterprises that value efficiency, consistency, and discipline. Accordingly, no one accepts early leaving work, being late, or frequent sick leave.
It is necessary to explain to your mother-in-law that in order to support your family you need to work, from morning to evening. This is why you cannot, because you are very tired, constantly pamper your spouse with home-cooked dinners.

A good relationship

Take off your imaginary crown

If the phrase “I hate my mother-in-law” has become your motto, then you are still far from harmonious family relationships. Ask yourself why your husband’s mother didn’t please you so much. Of course, you can make a whole five-page list, but accept a simple fact: those around you are not at all obligated to try to please you and live by your rules, meet any standards of behavior or meet expectations. If you constantly experience negative emotions towards your mother-in-law, find fault with her actions, cling to her words and complain to your spouse, you are behaving exactly the same way as she does. You are the same, whether you like it or not. If you want to establish dialogue, try to be tolerant towards your mother-in-law.

I hate my mother-in-law and my husband for his support

The situation is much sadder if a man is on the side of his mother, and she turns him against his daughter-in-law.

Adviсe:

In this case, it is advisable for you to talk with your mother-in-law face to face and find out the reason for her dislike. Try to talk and explain to your mother-in-law that you are not trying to take her place and are not her competition. Even if you hear some reproaches and unpleasant words directed at you, try not to react, but to treat everything that happens as calmly as possible.
It is advisable, of course, to close your eyes and suppress aggression within yourself. Perhaps a good attitude towards your mother-in-law will correct her attitude towards you, and you will find a common language. However, if the situation continues for quite a long time, then often the woman cannot stand it and simply explodes. In this case, divorce is inevitable.
Many daughters-in-law try to turn their husbands against their mother-in-law. However, keep in mind that in most cases you will fail. This is due to the fact that the husband has one mother, and the wife can be changed. This is the principle by which most men live.
Indeed, no matter how much he loves his wife, he will never betray his mother. Accordingly, no one will withstand your quarrels with your mother-in-law for long. Therefore, if you want and are determined to live with your husband for a long time, you will have to build a relationship with his parents. No matter how terrible and disgusting your mother-in-law is, you still have to make peace with her and hide your hatred.
In most cases, during a quarrel with his mother-in-law, the husband assumes neutrality. And this is one of the favorable options, because some men really take the side of their mother. Almost none of the men takes the wife’s side. Keep this in mind and don't think you're special. Try to find a common language and improve relationships.

Bad relationship

Separate housing

“I hate my mother-in-law, we live together, I try my best, but I still can’t please, it’s not like that, it’s not like that. My husband is tired and so am I.” If this scenario is about your relationship with your husband’s mother, conversations and concessions do not help, then the best option is leaving. If you do not have the opportunity to buy a separate apartment, then you can find rented housing and come to your mother on weekends. Do not prohibit your spouse from visiting your mother at other times or communicating with her by phone. This will smooth out the conflict. If possible, do not involve small children in your relationship with your mother-in-law, as they should not be hostage to adults’ quarrels.

Wedding banquet

It is better for the bride not to organize the celebration; all the troubles should fall on the shoulders of the parents. And the young bride must choose a suitable wedding dress and all the accessories for it. Her mother can help her with this.

At a wedding, the mother of the bride is mainly responsible for all rituals and customs, and if we talk about the responsibilities of the groom’s parents, then his father leads the newlyweds to their festive table and seats them at it. If you follow traditions, you should walk around the table three times.

Golden mother-in-law

You don't have to say the phrase “I hate my mother-in-law” if she has:

Own apartment. You can do your own thing or not do it, postponing it until better times, watch your favorite movie, order food delivery without moralizing that you are a slob and don’t care at all about what your husband eats.
Spouse. The husband's mother begins to terrorize his family when she has no personal life of her own. If the mother-in-law is doing well in her family, she simply won’t have as much time to spy on her son.
Daughter. As a rule, the daughter’s problems are much closer and clearer to the mother than the son’s; more attention is devoted to her.
Own interests. There is no need for another person to eavesdrop and spy if he is satisfied with his own life. It doesn’t matter what it will be: yoga, fitness, swimming, drawing, crocheting or your own business.
Read also: Life values: what they are, what they are, a list with examples

Why doesn't the mother-in-law love her daughter-in-law?

Initially, many women note that they feel hostility from their mother-in-law from the very beginning. This is indeed quite possible and happens for several reasons:

Mother-in-law considers her daughter-in-law her rival
The mother-in-law expects that with the arrival of her daughter-in-law, her son will begin to devote much less time to her

It is these reasons that lead to mothers-in-law treating their daughters-in-law poorly, and out of the blue they come up with reasons why they should not be loved. Quite often they also come up with the idea that the daughter-in-law is a slob, not a housekeeper, doesn’t want to cook, and doesn’t look after the children well. Many psychologists note that establishing relationships between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law is a job for two.

Mother in law hates daughter in law

Hatred towards my husband's sister

“I hate my mother-in-law and sister-in-law” is another problem of many married women. The husband's sister can become a problem when there is personal unsettlement involved and the brother was the only male in the family. In such a family, where the son was raised without a father, he is often forced to take on other male social roles: he is at the same time a son, a husband, and a brother. The mother wants to see in him a support that she has never seen in a man if she loves her son. In this case, she may constantly ask him to come, even for a minor reason. And if the relationship with the ex-spouse did not work out, and the external features or character of the son resemble his father’s, then with a high degree of probability he will face constant complaints, no matter what he does. Thus, an abandoned, lonely and unsettled woman expresses claims not to her son, but to her husband. In her son she sees traits of her husband that did not suit her. This results in constant scandals. In her daughter, especially if she is as lonely as her mother-in-law herself, she sees herself, her own problems, her expectations about men and demands that she be constantly helped. And in this case, it is very difficult to explain that the sister-in-law is an adult girl or woman who may already have children of her own. In the person of the mother-in-law, she is a victim, and the brother, as a man, must take responsibility for her. Such behavior provokes hatred towards the sister-in-law. Not because she is bad, but because she should be helped at the expense of the other family.

Establishing relationships with mother-in-law: specific situations

Both women understand that they cannot live endlessly in scandals. This is exhausting and creates a tense environment. How should a daughter-in-law behave with her “mother” so as not to lose her dignity in the person of her husband and not to ignite a conflict?

Mother-in-law teaches how to raise children: what to do?

With the birth of a child, a new stage begins in the life of the young couple, where the husband’s mother plays an important role. She criticizes educational methods. He climbs in with advice, allows his grandson what is forbidden, disrupts the daily routine, feeds him sweets and spoils him. Moreover, he constantly makes complaints to his parents. It’s hard to avoid quarrels here.

The irony is that both mother and grandmother love the child and try to give him only the best. However, the latter refuses to understand that her experience is not an indicator, her education methods are outdated, and excessive love is a problem for teachers in the future. It’s worse if the grandmother interferes in upbringing in order to strengthen her own authority, wanting to “crush” her daughter-in-law.

What should a new mother do?

Gently but firmly, with the support of your spouse, explain to the woman the goals and motives of parenting methods.
Use an example to show how the grandmother’s indulgences affect the child. If you stay up late watching TV, you won’t wake up for kindergarten or school. I ate too much candy - hello allergy. If he receives any toy upon request, he will grow up to be an egoist.
Do not quarrel with your mother-in-law in front of the child.
Do not limit the communication between grandmother and grandson.

And sometimes you really need to listen to the advice of the older generation.

Mother-in-law teaches how to run a household: what to do?

It all depends on where you live. If a couple lives under the same roof with the husband’s parents, then it is better to listen to the advice of his mother and not make trouble.

If the mother-in-law extends her power in the spouses’ apartment, then it is worth reminding her who is the mistress. It’s better if your husband confirms that the borscht is delicious, the floors are clean, and there’s no need to iron your shirts every day.

What to do if the mother-in-law tries to manipulate her son?

Alas, even a woman with gray hairs sometimes resorts to this bad fraud. “You won’t go against your mother, will you?”, “Have you stopped loving me, son?”, “Mother knows best” are typical phrases of a manipulator.

Through her son and his affection for her, she strives to establish her own order in his family. Blackmail, gossip about his wife, and tragicomedy performed by a bad actress are used.

It’s difficult for a daughter-in-law to resist this, but you can influence your husband:

Explain to your spouse that a family is a closed garrison where two people decide, period.
Mirror mother-in-law. This way the man will understand how absurd the mother’s behavior looks.

Reviews

Reviews from those who have tried psychologists' recommendations regarding their mother-in-law show that they work. In most cases, everything returns to normal after the husband’s family begins to live separately from the mother. The most important thing is to call more often and react calmly if your spouse leaves to visit your mother-in-law. Then she will have no reason to feel abandoned and unwanted. Even better if he is accompanied by children. Time and patience help you get closer.

There can be a huge number of reasons why daughters-in-law hate mothers-in-law and vice versa. This includes nagging from the husband’s mother, upbringing, and lack of tolerance towards each other. But be that as it may, this is a related conflict. Do you also say: “I hate my mother-in-law”? Advice from psychologists on what to do, collected in the article, can help overcome negativity. However, the choice of method is yours.